It’s not helpful to tell her about your family member who had the same illness and did so well—until he died. In what universe is that a useful observation?
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You don’t know how she feels unless you have the illness yourself, your family situa-tion is exactly the same, and you have been through, or are currently undergoing, the identical treatment.
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Let her maintain her faith in her doctors. Treatment regimens change rapidly, so what the doctor did for your aunt five years ago might no longer be appropriate. A comment such as, “I’ve never heard of something like that. Are you sure he knows what he’s doing?” may create uncertainty she doesn’t need.
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While positive comments are good, don’t be such a Pollyanna that you sweep the seriousness of the situation under the rug. “Buck up and don’t worry about it” is pretty cold.
Follow her lead. If her doctor has given her a good prognosis and she feels hopeful, by all means reinforce her optimism with comments such as, “I’m sorry you have to
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deal with this now, but it’s wonderful your doctor has such effective treatment avail-able. I’m sure you’re going to do well. What can I do to help you?”
If the outlook isn’t quite so rosy and she’s anxious and frightened, you don’t have to be all gloom and doom, but acknowledge her feelings and be as empathetic as possible, with comments such as:
U “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”
U “I’m here to talk if you want to.”
U “I’ve got your back when you need help.”
You may have very real concerns that your colleague’s illness will result in overwork and stress for you. These are issues to discuss with your supervisor, not with your co-worker. Piling on the guilt about the inconvenience her diagnosis brings to you isn’t compassionate. This isn’t about you.
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At diagnosis, throughout treatment, or when illness becomes chronic, sometimes the most valuable thing you can say is nothing. People who are ill often need a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.
Many people are uncomfortable when talking with someone who has a serious illness.
Because they are afraid, anxious, or ill-prepared, they may deny or trivialize what the person is trying to say. They don’t allow any discussion of negative topics, and they may rush to fill silence with inconsequential small talk.
Being permitted to talk freely and frankly, without judgment, is a luxury many people dealing with illness never get. All you need to do to be helpful is to eliminate distrac-tions, sit quietly, make eye contact, ask questions when it’s appropriate, and let the person talk until she wants to stop. If she’s upset, let her be upset. Hold her hand or give her a hug. That may be all she needs.
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Millions of Americans live with chronic diseases such as Crohn’s disease, fibromyalgia, post-polio syndrome, Lyme disease, irritable bowel syndrome, closed head injuries, and other conditions that may cause severe pain, fatigue, nausea, dizziness, weakness, or confusion. These conditions are called “invisible” diseases because those who have them often look quite well.
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Friends and co-workers sometimes can’t seem to make sense of the fact that some-one can look healthy and feel rotten. Those with chronic conditions often have to deal not only with their illnesses, but also with those who believe the sufferers are lazy and self-indulgent. They are often subjected to advice such as:
U “Cheer up. Smile.”
U “You’d feel better if you got more exercise.”
U “Stop dwelling on every little symptom. You sound like a hypochondriac.”
U “If you have to live with it, you may as well develop a positive attitude about it.”
U “Just ignore it. You can’t let it rule your life.”
U “Throw away all those pills and live a healthier lifestyle.”
Think about the last time you had a rip-roaring case of the flu or a raging intestinal virus. Now imagine it never went away. Would you want to cheer up, exercise, toss out your pain relievers, and develop a positive attitude? Although some people with chronic illness have only moderate limitations, others are in pain nearly all the time, and just getting through the day is a triumph.
If you need to comment at all on a person’s health, you might try something that acknowledges the truth of her condition, such as:
U “I’m sorry you don’t feel well enough to go out. I’d love to see you. Would you like me to visit or would you rather just rest today?”
U “I’m proud of the way you handle all you have to deal with.”
U “I thought I’d bring dinner over tonight. What sounds good?”
Chronic conditions, rather than acute illnesses, are now the most common medical problems.
Talking Points
Chronic means a health condition that lasts a long time, sometimes for life. The patient may have remissions and relapses, but the underlying condition doesn’t go away.
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AV]cZR7BSZZbVS1VWZR`S\-Absolutely tell them, and do it as soon as you know the whole story. Children, even very young ones, can sense when something is amiss. They notice whispered conver-sations and worried looks. If you say everything is fine, you are teaching them to dis-believe the evidence of their own eyes and ears. They learn they can’t trust you to tell them the truth, and that can have serious consequences down the road. When they know you’re lying, what they imagine may be far worse than the facts.
6]e;cQV]TbVSB`cbV2]BVSg<SSR-Children should be told as much as their age and maturity will allow them to under-stand.
Children younger than three probably will not catch on to the ramifications of seri-ous illness, no matter how you present the facts. Kids this age are egocentric, and what’s important to them is their own life and activities. Surround them with people who love them; enlist the help of other family members and friends to try to make the transition to necessary new routines as smooth as possible. The children may be frightened and have many questions they can’t articulate yet, so be as calm and reas-suring as you can be.
Preschoolers and younger elementary school children are always full of questions:
Why? Why not? Who? How? Answer every question simply and directly, but without a lot of embellishment or frightening details.