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Chapter Fifteen Reality

In document Nothing Left to Hold (Page 93-97)

The lights are on but you're not home You've drifted off somewhere alone

Somewhere that's safe, No questions here

A quiet place where you hide from your fears

Call Harry masochistic or whatever you want, but he couldn‘t take his eyes off of them. Isabella had come back the night before and was currently sound asleep on the couch with her head pillowed on Edward‘s chest as he ran his fingers through her hair and looked idly through a magazine. Harry felt like something was lodged in his throat – making each breath more painful than the last. He felt like someone had ripped out his heart and held it in their hand squeezing it right in front of him.

As much as Harry couldn‘t understand it, as much as he hated it – hated her – it seemed as if Edward really did care for the human girl.

Sometimes when you're out of rope The way to climb back up's unclear The walls you build around yourself

I guess they also keep you here Are you afraid of what they think?

Whoever "they" happen to be Or are you hiding from the scars of

Your own reality?

Harry felt his heart twist painfully, and even shocked himself when a distressed sound escaped his lips. It immediately drew the attention of everyone in the room. ―Harry?‖ Draco asked standing from his seat by the window, where he had been reading a book.

Harry shook his head and stood quickly, making his way to his new bedroom be- fore any of his family could notice his trembling hands.

―Harry?‖ Esme inquired this time, making her way around the kitchen island, where she had been preparing his supper. ―You look pale honey is something wrong?‖ she asked in concern. Since the day before they'd all been concerned. Their concern was like a giant purple elephant standing on Harry's chest. Yet, no one had approached him about his announcement yesterday.

―Just feel sick,‖ Harry answered breathlessly pushing pass Jasper and Emmett, who had stood from the dining room table where they had been playing a card game. He needed to get out of there and quickly before he either retched or passed out in front of them. The room was getting entirely too hot. He felt sick and dizzy, and the trembling was becoming worse.

―Wait Harry, let me check you,‖ Carlisle stated coming over to stop him, but at that moment something inside Harry broke loose and a blast of magic shot out, pushing his family back and rattling just about anything not bolted down in the room.

After everything settled Harry felt like he‘d run a couple hundred miles, but at least the sick feeling was gone. His family was too shocked to move but Draco was by Harry‘s side instantly, with his arms around Harry‘s waist, steering him toward his basement bedroom, which had been finished by his brothers just the day be- fore, while he'd been gone.

So you sedate and drown in vain You've got a pill for every day A suit and tie to mask the truth Its ugly head is starting to show through

As soon as they were in the room and the door was closed, Draco was taking off his clothes while quickly trying to remove Harry‘s as well. Harry caught his wrist though – stopping him, and walked over to sit on the edge of his bed. Harry placed his face in his shaking hands and just sat there. After a moment of tense silence, he felt the bed dip beside him and Draco‘s tentative hand on his shoulder.

―Harry?‖ he questioned, and Harry could hear the worry in his voice.

―It‘s not working anymore,‖ Harry answered looking up at the far wall with a va- cant expression. He felt – empty.

―We could go to that club I talked about – find you someone else. Maybe you just need something new,‖ Draco suggested hesitantly.

Harry shook his head, running a hand through his hair. ―You‘ve always been able to help the most,‖ he said summoning his jacket over to him so that he could get a cigarette, but his hands were shaking so badly that Harry could barely light it. Draco took the lighter from his hands though and lit it himself. ―Why didn‘t you tell me? How long?‖ he asked with a frown, as he grabbed Harry‘s trembling hand and rubbed it as if to bring back the warmth.

―Couple days,‖ Harry answered blowing out a long stream of smoke.

Sometimes when you're out of rope The way to climb back up's unclear The walls you build around yourself

Are you afraid of what they think? Whoever "they" happen to be Or are you hiding from the scars of

Your own reality?

Harry remembered when it had first started happening, the tremors, the dizzy spells, the feeling of emptiness, the bitterness that ate at him, and the sickness that stayed lodged in the back of his throat. He‘d managed to survive a few months on Calming Draughts and a few other potions, but eventually those had stopped working. Then Draco had suggested that he duel and exercise more to try and get rid of the built up energy and magic – eventually that had stopped working as well.

It was by accident really that Harry found out sex helped. Harry hadn‘t been sure if he‘d be able to do it with anyone but his mate – the thought had sickened him, but then again the thought of his mate doing it with someone else had eased Har- ry‘s guilt to a degree. At that point, Harry and Draco had stopped their own relationship, considering they knew that a relationship could never be between them and Harry had turned elsewhere.

Harry couldn‘t even remember the name of the Ravenclaw boy that had gone down on him in the boys‘ bathroom that first time, but he did remember that momenta- ry feeling of release and relief from the pain. After that, it had steadily progressed, from blowjobs and hand jobs, until random sex in an alcove before class was rou- tine. Yes, Harry felt guilty, felt dirty, but he‘d rather the guilt and worthlessness than the emptiness any day.

Harry was like an addict – anything to stop his hands from trembling.

The monster you're feeding Your lack of perception The things that you do To fulfill your addictions

The light at the end of your tunnel is closing What is it that you're so afraid of exposing? You'd give it all up for what's theirs for the taking

Whatever it takes to keep Your hands from shaking The same things you're thinking

Might make you feel better

The same things that probably got you here

Then somehow – Harry couldn‘t remember… in fact, he was pretty sure they‘d been drunk, he and Draco had ended up in bed together again. The next morning the pain had been gone – just a dull ache in the back of his heart. They‘d re- searched for hours and found that the closer Harry was to the person the more it

would help. He and Draco were already best friends, they shared that bond, and being a friend, and loving Harry as he did, Draco had offered himself to Harry again and again and again.

Draco was the only reason Harry had survived as long as he had without his mate, but now it seemed that Draco‘s touch was wearing off.

Sometimes when you're out of rope The way to climb back up's unclear The walls you build around yourself

I guess they also keep you here Are you afraid of what they think?

Whoever "they" happen to be Or are you hiding from the scars of

Your own reality?

―Harry, you‘ve got to let me tell them. You‘ve got to tell him!‖ Draco commanded in frustration getting to his feet so that he could glare down at Harry.

Harry merely shook his head, still staring off into space.

―You could die!‖ Draco exclaimed angrily sinking to his knees in front of Harry and grabbing his shoulders to shake him. ―You will die if you don‘t tell him, Harry! Do you get that! You‘re fucking dying, Harry!‖

Harry merely hid his face in his hands once again and remained silent as Draco embraced him.

―Harry, you can‘t make me do this,‖ Draco choked, voice overwhelmed with emo- tion. ―Please Harry, don‘t make me watch you do this.‖

The monster you're feeding Your lack of perception The things that you do To fulfill your addictions

The light at the end of your tunnel is closing What is it that you're so afraid of exposing? You'd give it all up for what's theirs for the taking

Whatever it takes to keep Your hands from shaking The same things you're thinking

Might make you feel better

The same things that probably got you here

Chapter Sixteen

In document Nothing Left to Hold (Page 93-97)