As humans we have an almost childlike wish to be the person who comes up with the best thought, the cleverest answer or the winning idea. Like at school, where praise and reward come to those with the ‘right’ answer.
In collaborative coaching, the rules of your game are subtly different. To continue the classroom metaphor, you apply all your learning and experiences to make sure that the person next to you comes up with the answer. That may or may not be the answer that you’d thought of. Clear ownership of the answer rests with the other person, who will normally go and use it on their own, to get what they want, together with the praise and reward.
As a coach, you win when someone else does. Your pleasure comes from being part of someone else’s process, and helping them see different ways in which they can create the results they want. This becomes incredibly fulfilling for the coach, and a huge moti-vation to continue coaching.
In practical terms, solutions or ideas spoken by the person being coached are often more reasonable, pragmatic and likely to be formed into action. That person will usually feel greater ownership of the idea, and link that to a sense of responsibility for its success.
For example, I might be coaching a working mother having problems juggling her life between work and home. We may have explored lots of different aspects of the situa-tion, in order to understand the different values and factors involved.
As an observer, I might have the idea of changing her childcare centre, as this seems to be causing the problems. I might advise this, with the following potential consequences:
➡ It’s a perfect idea for the coachee, and she seizes it immediately.
➡ She rejects the idea because she has a ‘polarity response’ to advice, i.e.
automatically takes an opposing view.
➡ She rejects the idea because it doesn’t feel right to her, or make practical sense to her.
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➡ She initially accepts the idea then disregards it later.
➡ She accepts the idea, switches to another care centre, but that makes things much worse and she then blames me.
➡ She accepts the idea, and disregards her own instinct, which was to involve her mother in the situation.
A coach can resist the temptation to always have the answers. A good coach will often operate from the perspective that the best quality solutions come from the coachee, not the coach. The coach will still influence those ideas and insights. The process of a coach’s involvement guarantees this. The coach’s most common tools of influence are still questioning, listening, observation and reflection.
When we work with the rule consistently, however, we also develop an understanding of when to break it. I would recom-mend that a coach stay mostly out of advice, and not ‘tell’ people what they ‘should’ do.
Infrequently I’ll ask permission to offer a suggestion, e.g. ‘Can I offer a thought?’ then
‘How would switching your childcare centre affect the situation?’
By requesting permission, you’re increasing the probability that the other person will accept your idea, whilst acknowledging the intrusion.
Once you’ve offered the suggestion, let it go. Don’t become attached to their agreeing to it. They may or may not go with your idea, and that might be immediately, or some time afterwards.
Above all, remember to give up the idea of ‘appearing smart’ by having the ‘right’
answer. In the above situation, the best solution for the coachee may well have been their own idea to involve their mother, because of factors the coach wasn’t aware of. The person’s mother might welcome the opportunity to spend more time with their grand-children, be flexible when and where they looked after the grand-children, and do all this for free. Until now, the coachee’s mother may not have offered her services as she respected her daughter’s need for independence.
The coach’s most common tools of influence are still questioning, listening, observation and reflection.
A collaborative coach needs to temper a basic human instinct to be ‘right’ about some-thing. By giving up an attachment to finding a solution to a coachee’s problem, we are actively encouraging them to find their own solution. Collaborative coaching encourages someone to be more powerful, more creative and more in action around situations, by helping them to find their own ways forward.
An exercise Help someone else find the answer
For this exercise, you’ll need to have a casual conversation with someone where they are discussing a problem or frustration. You can have this conversation by asking someone to do this, or you could wait for the next time one happens naturally. It will be a conversation where the other person is not asking you to solve their problem, they’re just talking, or complaining about it. For example, maybe they’re too busy, too tired all the time, fed up with their job, etc.
Rules of the game
During the conversation, you mmuusstt nnoott give them any advice or suggestions for a way forward. No matter how great your ideas or advice, just pretend for a while that you don’t have an answer – and they do.
Step one – display the relevant facts
Ask them questions until you’ve (both) heard what you feel to be the ‘key’ or relevant facts about the situation, e.g. ‘What’s causing this?’ ‘How supportive is your boss?’ ‘What actually is the real problem here?’ If observations work better than questions, then use them, e.g. ‘You seem to be spending a long time out of the office.’
Step two – discover their answer
When you feel you’ve got enough information for them to answer the following questions, use whichever seems appropriate:
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➡ ‘What are you considering doing about this?’
➡ ‘What do you need to fix this/sort it all out?’
➡ ‘What could you do to improve the situation?’
➡ ‘What options do you have?’
Or any other question that requires them to think of their own solution to their situation.
Step three
(This step is optional.) If you are still 100 per cent convinced that you have a better answer, the right answer, and that they will benefit tremendously from hearing it, then tell them. Perhaps use one of the following phrases to link to the previous part:
➡ ‘Can I offer an idea?’
➡ ‘As you were talking, I’ve thought of something that might help. What if . . .’
➡ ‘You know, another answer might be to . . .’
Sanity warning
This can be a difficult exercise! – Especially if you’re used to solving other people’s problems for them. We can feel quite awkward or uncomfortable not ‘fixing’ things for people. So if the conversation isn’t going well, e.g:
➡ The discussion isn’t flowing naturally.
➡ You can’t think of the right questions or observations.
➡ They really (definitely) can’t think of any ways forward.
Give up, and have a go another day! Go back to having a normal, casual conversation, e.g.
give your own views, experience, ideas, etc.
Alternatively, do step one on its own, then add step two when it feels right. Simply ask a few more questions than you would normally, before suggesting something. Before long,
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you’ll find that feels more natural, as you feel less compelled to give your idea or advice.
Then when that bit feels comfortable, simply ask them what their solution is, perhaps using some of the suggestions in step two.