Driving experience forward

Becoming a lone parent also involved different processes that helped the participants to manage their new life course. This is represented in the process of ‘driving experience forward’. This was expressed through enduring and committing as the first way, and integrating self and life management abilities as the second way, participants managed their new family set up.

5.6.1 Enduring and Committing

When talking about their experience, participants often referred to a persisting approach described as ‘coping on a day-to-day basis’ (P5); ‘trying the best I could’ (P3), ‘it was a

tunnel of focus’ (P1); and ‘getting on with it’ (P2); All these accounts suggest that the

participants permeate their ethos of ownership with a strong sense of purpose to ‘get to that

finish point’ (P1) and to ‘look at the bigger picture’ (P5); thus, reflecting their commitment

to their new life and parental responsibilities. This involved a commitment without apparent emotional influence to make things work, which was described by P5 as:

‘I don’t look at things through an emotional lens… Errm thoughts and ideas and,

solutions… I don’t think about emotions.., I got on with it’.

Driving their experience forward also represented a commitment to their parental responsibilities above anything else. For instance, P2 stated:

‘You know just to go out with friends, [parents] having their own freedom or whatever you know. It’s not on, you know. You take care of their needs first and then you have your life back, don’t you?’

Participants shared the mind-set that their children’s needs take priority over theirs and that their own needs only included basic needs, which P5 described as having ‘a roof over my

head’ and ‘eating’. This suggests that the participants generally drove their experience

forward through having a focus on their life course, stripping away non-essentials to prioritise their children and looking their situation in the face with the intention of ‘doing

- 72 - 5.6.2 Integrating self and life management abilities

Participants also seemed to drive their experience forward through the integration of self and life management abilities.

For instance, P5 said:

‘I decided once I got my head around the whole situation, I kind of saw it was a project, you know, that’s how I rationalised it’.

Maintaining a sense of control appeared to be important in the way that they managed themselves and their new life. For all participants, maintaining a sense of control involved staying organised while having a routine or a daily structure. This was illustrated in the following examples:

P6 said:

‘You have to be a lot more organised. Yeah, being more independent, that’s in terms of structure and strategy and things like that really’.

Similarly, P4 explained:

‘You know, plan anything you want to do around making sure the kids are okay, you have to

be up every morning to make sure they are up and so on’

Fostering mental resilience and self-reliance also appeared to be essential ingredients. First, fostering mental resilience refers to developing a mental toughness that helped some participants drive their experience forward and persevere against any ‘curveballs that life

throws’ (P5). To achieve mental resilience, P1 used the tactic of ‘accepting what you can’t change’ and then emphasised ‘maybe if you are not strong enough, you can’t make it and that is it’, a view shared by P2. Second, self-reliance refers to the ability and the effort to

provide the necessities of life for the family unit in order to stay sane. The importance of self-reliance is illustrated in the following account by P3:

‘At least I work and I provide for my son and look after him. I am not sponging off the government. I just try to get on with it and, you know, you have to. You have to, [as] nobody is going to help you. You’ve got to do it yourself otherwise you go to a nut house’.

- 73 - 5.7 Managing own emotions

In addition to integrating self and life and management abilities to manage their experience, participants also had to manage their own emotions in two ways; being steered by internalised masculinity norms and alternate forms of support, and professional help-seeking. 5.7.1 Being steered by internalised masculinity norms and alternate forms of support

The participants seem to manage their own emotions by focusing outward rather than inward. This can be conceptualised as being steered by internalised masculinity norms in the sense that their responses to emotional difficulties might indeed be related to the dominant cultural characteristics of masculinity and gender-role expectations.

First, side-lining their own emotions appeared to be a coping strategy amongst some participants so that all their energy could be focused on the children and their needs.

For instance, P1 described:

‘My emotions were almost… they almost had to go to my back pocket and stay there. And then… and when I needed them I used them for the boys’.

Second, business and distraction also helped some participants keep their emotions at a distance, ‘I don’t think I consciously thought of it really’, P2 reflects, ‘I just got on with what

I had to do’.

Third, a practical and logical approach that highlights ‘thoughts and ideas, and solutions’ as opposed to looking at ‘things through and emotional lens’ (P5) was employed to manage emotions. Emotional support resources also included ‘good friends’ (P4), ‘family’ (P5),

‘getting out and meeting people’ (P1).

Internalised masculinity norms were apparent in participants’ accounts. Some participants felt that turning inward into their emotional world might expose their vulnerabilities and this was not a risk that they were prepared to take. In this context, the fear of vulnerability prevents them from expressing emotions in public.

For instance, P3 explained:

‘You have to stay strong to be honest… Yeah I just put them away and when I am on my own

- 74 - Internalised masculinity norms might be a reaction to gender role socialisation and expectations, a view that is echoed by P6 who said that seeking help as a man ‘just feels

wrong’ and P5 talked about ‘going somewhere for help’ being seen ‘as a weakness’.

It is unsurprising that talking about feelings then, is also experienced as unappealing or unhelpful. Returning to P5’s account, he reflects:

‘I am not sure that, you know, men talking more is, is the answer to it. In fact, I think that’s

not the answer. I think that’s what, you know, what might work for, it might be more effective for you know, for women’.

The above account suggests a possible need for psychological interventions to be more gender-specific, which will be addressed later.

5.7.2 Experiencing and understanding help-seeking

As a consequence of their own internalised masculinity norms, participants experienced and understood professional help-seeking in differing ways. The participants who did experience professional help-seeking were those whose wife left without the children and without otherwise fulfilling a parenting role. This suggests that the circumstances that led them to become lone parents might have influenced their experience in a different way than the other participants. The relationship break-up had not provided these fathers with the time to process feelings, which seems to be related to the way the separation and maternal withdrawing happened. For example, after a moment of silence, P6 reflects about ‘feeling

something’, yet unable to identify what he is feeling, he tells that he managed ‘pretty well’ in

terms of the children, but ‘not so well’ in terms of himself. Despite his earlier account that, help seeking as a man ‘just feel wrong’, P6 still sought counselling for himself in order to escape his current reality and to have the opportunity to process his own feelings and emotions.

He explains:

‘Support from (name of counselling service) was helpful, to just get away from it and (…), to change, to make things better was the motivation’, suggesting a deep desire to reconcile his

own personal needs with his expectations.

P3 sought counselling to deal with dashed ideals and expectations related to ‘deserving the

wife he wanted’. However, when he did seek help, he was turned away because of the multi-

- 75 -

wouldn’t work for me. I had too many problems, to come back when I’ve sorted my problems’.

Related to this, P1 discussed how his needs for support changed over the transition period into lone fatherhood. Just over a year into his lone fatherhood experience, P1 explained how he went to his GP but ‘they weren’t very helpful’ and ‘they couldn’t give me support

instantly’. P1 needed practical and immediate solutions and he did not have ‘the time to sit and wait’, so because he was not given something tangible to work with, P1 describes, ‘I stood up, brushed myself down and best put forward and off I went really’. However, three

years later, P1 returned to his GP and this time accepted the treatment plan that had been offered during his first help-seeking experience. This is because he had ‘now moved from

somebody who is their guide to now somebody who is controlling their emotion. It was not worth it. I had to stop that’.

In addition to his support needs changing over time and a process of self-realisation, P1’s accounts reflect men who have traditionally masculine attitudes to help seeking. For instance, P1 mentioned that he only visits health care professionals if he ‘can’t see past it’. This reflection is also emphasised in the meaning he gives the anti-depressant medication:

‘Have we fixed the damage? Have we repaired the little bit of the damage of my mental state’, an understanding of his mental health as needing to be fixed just like a car or a

physical ailment such as a bad back.

Thus, possibly indicating internalised gender norms around masculinity, self-reliance and, emotional and mental resilience, also indicated in P4’s description who said he might consider professional help that was ‘more about symptoms’ rather than discuss feelings. 5.8 Seeing self as the expert

Seeing oneself as the expert helped participants withstand the complexity of gender roles and stereotypes that they faced. Consequently, some participants protected this expertise through defending lone fathers. Others used this expertise to express much needed changes that involved a need for better awareness and inclusion of lone fathers and a need for the right type of support at the right time.

5.8.1 Defending lone fathers

Some participants felt that through their own experience they are challenging gendered rules and norms. Indeed, they are suggesting that their own experience proves their competence and their ability in the context of being a man who is also the primary caregiver of his

- 76 - children. P5 shares, ‘I am a living breathing example that dads are as capable as mothers’, and P2 describes how society views lone fathers as ‘pioneers’ in what they do. Related to the idea of lone fathers as ‘pioneers’ in what they do, participants frequently defended men as

‘perfectly capable of being the primary carer of the child’ (P2) and as having the ‘propensity to learn and to care’ and to have ‘passion for their kids’ (P5). Participants share the view

point that, ‘sometimes mums make mistakes, sometimes dads make mistakes’, indicating that being a good parent can be subject to individual variation and that gender should be irrelevant. Participants’ accounts suggest that lone fathers might be able to provide a more inclusive understanding of lone fathers that breaks away from traditional, prescriptive gender roles, which is why it is important not to ‘write them off’ (P3) or ‘patronise them’ (P5), accounts that led to the construction of the next sub-category that emphasises a need to bridge the parenting gap.

5.8.2 Pushing for better awareness and inclusion

In this sub-category, participants identified a strong need to bridge the parenting gender gap. For example, P5 said:

‘Dads are valuable and dads are able to do stuff. And buildings, and services, and

professionals, you know, practitioners need to be accepting dads as they are mums’.

Some participants pushed for better awareness and inclusion in the court systems, post- separation or divorce. For example, P1 suggests that both the mother and the father ‘should

be able to put their case forward’ as opposed to the court system immediately assuming that

the best place for the child is with the mother, and that the decision process should be grounded on assessing who ‘the better parent’ might be, in the context of being able to meet the child’s emotional, developmental and practical needs. In contrast, P2 emphasises the idea of doing “what’s best for the [children]’ and he reflects that ‘if what’s best for them is living

with the other parent, then embrace that’ as it is very ‘important that [children] have that relationship’ with both parents. These accounts further demonstrate the need to bridge the

gender gap post- separation and set out to focus instead on individual circumstances and the needs of children.

5.8.3 Pushing for the right type of support at the right time

Participants identified a strong need for the right type of support at the right time. In alignment with the literature that suggests that the men whose wives leave without the child experience greater psychological burden in the first couple of years of the transition than

- 77 - other patterns, P3 discusses how he needed ‘better access to counselling services’ in ‘the

first months, in the first year’. P3 describes the risk of getting 'depressed and the situation getting worse' if they are left alone. ‘We get neglected or whatever’, he reflects about his

own experience as well as of the children:

‘It can be the other way around; the child can get depressed and not seen by anyone you know so you just don’t know. So I don’t know maybe for people to be more aware of it’.

This suggests the lack of support at the right time might have concerning repercussions not only for the man as a lone parent but also for the children involved.

The above was expanded by P3 who said, ‘a lot of single dads they struggle and they don’t

know what to do or what steps to take’ and believed that it was the job of professionals ‘to try and find out and give direction’, suggesting that knowledge of help-seeking processes

might be valuable to lone fathers.

To address the issues of social isolation and male suicide, P5 uses his own expertise to identify a way forward. He suggests that counselling services should focus more on building

‘resilience in dads’ and providing them with ‘some practical pursuits and some friendships’.

Similarly, P6 identified through his own experience that the psycho-educational courses that are available in the National Health System (NHS) are ‘too generic’ and described them as

‘unhelpful’ in the context of his own needs. This points to the need of available NHS courses

to be more gender-specific and father-specific. As mentioned earlier, P1 discussed how his needs for support changed over the transition period into lone fatherhood.