We’ve covered the No Contact period .
But what if your ex tries to call, text, or Facebook you during this time? Should you just avoid responding altogether?
Some would be inclined to say yes, you should stick to your guns during “No Contact” and simply forgo responding to any of his messages until the 21 days elapse .
But there’s a problem with this approach: NOT responding can itself be seen as an emotional response to his actions .
When you ignore your ex completely, an actively attempt to prevent him making contact, you are sending him a direct message that you are avoiding him . And if he gets wind of this, he’ll start to think you’re being calculated and playing avoidance-games, or that he’s in a competitive battle with you for who can be the most unaffected by the break-up .
You do not want to get drawn into any of those games .
For this reason, there is an exception to the 21-day ‘No Contact’
Period: If your ex is the one who initiates contact, only then are you allowed to respond.
However .
That doesn’t mean you have to respond . In fact, for most of the time during this initial period, I would hold off responding to texts . Even if he just says “thinking of you” don’t feel the need to send anything back .
Nor should you leave the dinner table with your friends or family to suddenly answer his phone call .
You can always get back in touch later to his missed call and say
“Sorry, was at a dinner party with friends, what’s up?” . This is a
high value way to respond if you miss his call, because now he’ll be imagining the fun you were having and he’ll see you’re moving on with your life in a positive way .
But what if he sends you inquiring texts? What if he sends you a message saying “How are you?” and wants to know what you’ve been up to?
Unless he’s definitively telling you that he wants you back, don’t entertain much in the way of text messages . This still applies even if he sends messages saying things such as “I miss you” – don’t mistake this for an invitation to get back together . It’s normal he would miss you . Don’t read too much into it .
A guy can be messaging you immediately after the break-up for several reasons, so it’s important not to take his texts as an immediate sign that he regrets his decision to end things and wants to get back together .
He may be texting because:
a . He feels guilty - Some guys just feel terrible and want to see that you are doing ok . He’ll want to be reassured that you are moving on because he can’t stomach the idea of you being in pain .
b . He gets nostalgic for you - A man may text you because he starts thinking about the good times, and starts to miss them (especially when he’s sitting on his own without anyone new) . But this does not mean that he is suddenly about to decide to get back together . So initially you must stick to No-Contact and not take this too seriously .
c . He’s scared of letting you go - Some guys feel the need to regularly check in because they are scared at first that you
will move on faster than he does, and he wants to know that you’ve not suddenly started dating someone else . This is often borne of jealousy, but once again, it is not the signal that he wants to be back in a relationship with you . It just means he’s worried about losing you for good .
d . He’s lonely and needs validation - For some men, texting you after the break up is a symptom of his need to still feel desired by someone special . Since he’s now single and probably hasn’t met someone as good as you yet, in his lonely moments he subconsciously thinks about texting you and feeling like he matters to someone he’s attracted to and feels close with .
Given all of these possibilities, you must not take the fact that your ex is sending you messages as being a reason to skip No-Contact altogether and jump to talking to him every day . It’s more attractive at this point to actively disengage with him for a period of a few weeks .
So while you can have the odd (very short) conversation by text if necessary, if he texts and calls you a lot you should stand your ground and assert your need for some distance for a while . For example, you might say in an e-mail or a text:
“I know we’ve still been talking since the breakup but I personally need some distance to be able move on with my life and being still so close right now only makes it emotionally harder. If something has suddenly changed in your mind about the break up we can talk about working things out, but apart from that I hope you’ll appreciate I really need some space right now.”
If you send your ex this message and you start moving on with your life, he will respect you so much more than if you start getting back
to all his messages during the No-Contact period . You can always re-initiate later (and when you do, you are going to have a much bigger impact if you stick to your guns at this point) .
At this point, the only messages you should take seriously from him are those in which he says something like: “I screwed up, I made a mistake”, or “Can we please talk?”, and even these messages you should take with a pinch of salt initially and not simply sprint back to your ex immediately . Invite him back in gradually, and take any decision to get back together slowly .
You need to show your feelings are not there to be toyed with at his whim . Part of that involves communicating that there are risks to him emotionally messing you around . He may just want to talk because it makes him feel better . Find out first what it is that needs to be discussed . You need to be respected and show him the consequences of him oscillating and changing his mind and being uncertain .
So if he says: “Can we talk?”, say to him: “Can I ask why first?”
He might then say: “I want to clear the air” or “I just want us to talk” .
You have to be the strong one here . If this conversation isn’t intended for you both to work things out and be back together, it doesn’t matter what he has to say right now . It doesn’t change anything for you .
If you speak to him over the phone and he just settles into normal casual conversation, don’t indulge it for too long . He may just be wanting to hear your voice and feel soothed, and it’s your job to show him now that, in spite of you having no bitterness towards
him, you have no intention to remain in limbo while he keeps changing his mind about whether or not he wants you in his life . If he does call, keep it short (5 minutes or so), be nice, but excuse yourself after a short period and be the one to end the conversation . Then tell him that you need space right now and ask if he can refrain from contacting you for a while (unless he wants to talk about working things out) .
This will feel hard to do when all you want is to hear his voice, but entertaining this whim right now will not do you any favours in the long-run .
Instead, decide you need to move on and let him see that you are gradually breaking away and living your own life away from him . It will make him immediately see you as high-value . He’ll also not be able to soothe himself by just picking up his phone to hear your voice, which means he will feel the pain of distance as well (which is a good thing for you) .
Remember, you want distance right now . Only by having space and making positive changes in your life will you be able to get back your ex, so think about the longer game in this scenario and make sure you don’t jump to your phone every time your ex sends you a message . Have some time off for your own sake .
The longer game in all of this is making sure you feel better than you’ve ever felt and can move on from the break up with strength (whether or not you end up back with your ex) . Hanging on to your ex and staying in close contact before you’ve emotionally moved on is going to leave you in purgatory and only make your recovery time longer . Start the healing now .