• No results found

Friendship in Relationship: Tapping With Each Other Using Provoca- Provoca-tive Energy Techniques (P.E.T.)

In document The Heart And Soul Of Eft (Page 156-159)

MY APPROACH

I work with couples and I work using EFT. when I can. I choose to work with couples who have a degree of goodwill and friendship, and who don’t regularly abuse each other; in the face of cruelty and severe dysfunction I tend to avoid any therapeutic “heavy lifting” to save the relationship.

I also use “Provocative Style” (a derivative of Provocative Therapy) in the relational as-pects of “holding” both partners in the session, and work with whatever issues arise. Tech-niques that address issues quickly and effectively must be tempered with good rapport and personal connection, especially when there are two people to relate to, if you are the thera-pist. When you have this rapport then the framework of the session is likely to be strong–

sufficiently strong to "hold" the couple while they experience their issues in the room with you. The combination of the two approaches is Provocative Energy Techniques (P.E.T).

On the one hand, the Provocative approach uses humorous and paradoxical communi-cation styles and techniques drawn from Provocative Therapy and Brief Strategic Therapy.

The approach addresses the multi-level nature of problems through warmth, liberating laughter, and spontaneity – elegantly addressing both mind and body in therapy. It's a pow-erful combination which allows you to cut through resistance, negative beliefs and other emotional barriers to get right to the heart of problems. On the other hand the meridian stimulation of EFT. helps desensitize and harmonize any aroused negative feelings. When

“Provocative style” is used to stimulate the client’s problem the meridian therapy relieves it disproportionately, in our experience. Thus it represents leverage in the use of meridian healing.

The essence of Provocative Therapy is in being able to play the “devil’s advocate while being firmly on the side of the angels” (Frank Farrelly). The hallmarks of this therapy or ap-proach are excellent rapport, respect for the person, validating all aspects of the client’s life, and a lighthearted, humorous style of “playing” with the problems and associated behav-iors. Validating someone’s dark side compassionately, paradoxically and humorously typi-cally ensures that the problem and its patterns rarely settle back to their original state.

Provocative Energy Techniques interrupt the repeating cognitive, emotional and behav-ioral sequences behind problems, enabling people to break through these limitations and develop new ways of seeing. Here, the client’s own self-defeating experiences are used in the service of change. EFT. involves meridian stimulation—tapping the points—and I have found from much experience that the more actual tapping done in the presence of the prob-lem, the more likely a “deeper” and better result. Thus I am content to do a lot of tapping—

without stopping. I call this continual tapping. Any points may be used as long as you vary them (I use half a dozen, mostly on the hand and arm)

With or without “Provocative Style”, I find that the outcome of using EFT. in a compas-sionate and thoughtful therapeutic approach adds dramatically to the quality of the emo-tional work that is done

RELATIONSHIP

My definition is a devotional friendship, where the wounds from the poison of criticism are healed by compassionate acceptance.

The key to expanding the good things in a relationship is to use the goodwill and friend-ship that lives within it for productive purposes. Since “relationfriend-ship” is much too hard for most people to understand I am quite happy for those wanting insight to practice being friendly towards each other. It is only our own negativity and bad habits that stand in the way of deepening connection with the one you have chosen to love and be with.

Criticism is the end-result of the noxious habit of pretending that another’s problems are more fascinating and important than your own. As a result, you feel that it’s necessary to remind the one you love that they are not perfect because of their bad behavior or actions (and when so often you are oblivious to how much your own behavior is utterly frustrating to them…).

My own take on this noxious habit is that it is completely unnecessary. The only time you are entitled to do it is when you have cleaned up your own act to the complete satisfac-tion of your partner—and you hear this from them. Mutual help is far more rewarding and satisfying.

One opposite of criticism is admiration. The feelings that are brought up in each part-ner, by contemplating the good that is the original intention of each, are life-affirming. I would like more partners to feel some of the feelings of success more often, when their good work bears fruit. This is the role of admiration and acceptance. I facilitate this every chance I get.

The final common pathway of the personal work that EFT. helps you to do on yourself is acceptance. According to Eckhart Tolle in The Power Of Now it is the great catalyst for change in relationship—when you can accept your partner as he or she is, without wanting to change him or her in any way. Then the door opens to many possibilities.

You accept that these problems are here and that they may not change. You are going to work on your own reactions (upset, hurt, disappointment, sadness) first, and see what happens afterwards. Accept that you don’t accept all of your partner (nor yourself for that matter) but work on it. Neither of us is perfect but i am only in charge of one of us—me. I call this whole process being stretched. In this context EFT is the balancing and healing agent.

HOW TO WORK TOGETHER USING EFT

Commonly for a therapist there is not a couple present in most cases but only a partner

seeking help. If you do have a couple ready, then obviously each partner needs to learn how to do EFT.—ideally on a neutral subject first (such as body tension). Then you can progress to using EFT. together because each knows the points and is comfortable with that concept.

I find it is too much to assess a couple and teach EFT. and start couple therapy all in the first session; it takes a few meetings to have all the elements in place.

If the couple problems were amenable to logic and reason and intellect, then most would be ameliorated by discussion and agreement. Obviously the emotional hurts are the main blocks to being able to bear with the unacceptable behaviors or habits. Thus a third person is often the necessary mirror for a couple to move forward. EFT. is the ideal tech-nique in my opinion since it is so easy to use and extremely effective.

The simplest way to move forward in couple work is to graft the habit of continual tap-ping on to the problems and the discussions just as they are. This is rudimentary accep-tance of the fact that they exist and this is the way things are now. The tapping becomes a pattern interruption, and a facilitating process, by virtue of its relaxation and inherent stress-management. As well, each partner is able to gain some benefits most of the time.

I think it is very useful for each partner to use individual continual tapping for personal blocks or objections while doing whatever works best in their dialogue. This is preparing.

Later it’s possible for one partner to tap on the other’s hand points while the other talks (the tapper is silent here while looking into the talker’s eyes). Then you switch for equal time. This is engaging with a supercharged version of “active listening”. If all is well and sufficient tapping and listening has been done, then at the end of enough time spent in dealing with the mundane issues of right and wrong, you could progress to 5-10 minutes of tapping on each other’s face points simultaneously—in silence, looking into each other’s eyes, while each recalls something to admire in your mate (from the present or the past).

Something that they have done just for you, or efforts that have been appreciated by you.

This promotes intimacy.

Obviously the conditions must be right for this mutual tapping as I have found it to be quite powerful as a reconnecting force. It cannot be rushed (the ‘positive bypass’) or done without working on the dark misperceptions that caused the troubles in the first place. Mu-tual tapping is where I have found a great deal of the “magic” of EFT.

In many cases it is more important to get “leverage” on a problem than to decide the fine points of where and how to tap. This is akin to working on a blocking belief when treat-ing a personal issue—the effect on the issue is strong because the belief drives much of the negative feelings. I find that the more tapping you can do while in the ‘hot’ part of the prob-lem, the greater the positive effect, as long as you have good support and connection with a person or therapist, as an emotional safety net. The relational aspects of a treatment are as important as any technique.

IN SUMMARY

Attend to your friendship and give up all criticism. Tap for the hurts that do come even when they are not intended. Work on accepting your partner the way he or she is, and more to the point, accept yourself with all your faults. Use EFT.—particularly continual tapping—

for all this effort, and for gaining and keeping clarity.

CONCLUSION

The work of dealing with our own problems and reactions in relationship never ends. The negative problems must be balanced with some hope and faith (for this I specifically focus on friendship and goodwill). If not, there is an imbalance created in the solution too.

These are the essential elements in a session of couple work that I find work well to-gether to produce a shift in being toto-gether. If this EFT-facilitated approach brings an inter-ruption of a habitual pattern of negativity, and allows some heartfelt mutual understanding with more acceptance, then I am satisfied.

NOTE

P.E.T. is the therapeutic approach originated by Steve Wells and David Lake CONTACT INFORMATION

David Lake

PO Box 738, Newport, Nsw Australia 2106 61-2 9997-3848

dlake@optusnet.com.au www.eftdownunder.com

In document The Heart And Soul Of Eft (Page 156-159)