When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with

somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible”

- When Harry Met Sally

Ahh the great label debate. You can be dating a guy for an extended period of time, you know you like each other, maybe you even love each other, but he just won’t put a label on it. It makes absolutely zero sense to you, so you push the issue to figure out what’s going on. This only makes things worse. Suddenly the entire relationship becomes a tug of war as you struggle to get him to give you a title that you have rightly earned.

From here, a deeper problem forms. As soon as you start asking a guy if he cares about you or where the relationship is going or why he won’t call you his girlfriend, you allow him to call all the shots. He knows what kind of commitment you want and it's in his power to decide when and if he's going to give it to you. Things take on a more frustrating shape if he knows that you’ll be there no matter what.

When he has this sort of conviction, he won’t have any incentive to lock it down and become official.

On the surface this may appear like some kind of cruel bargaining game. The reality is that men have a certain criteria that they expect a woman to meet in order for her to become his girlfriend or wife. Not only do most women make no effort to discover or understand his criteria, they don’t even know it exists! Instead, they just assume that being around for a certain period of time entitles them to receive an official title.

If you want the title, you need to understand what makes a man

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

inclined to bestow it upon a woman as well as what the title really means to him.

WHEN A GUY WON’T CALL YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND You can't badger a guy into becoming official, be it an exclusive

relationship or marriage. If you try to force him into something he isn't ready for, you will either send him packing or cause him to resent you.

When a guy refuses to call you his girlfriend after a certain amount of time, it can radically change the dynamic of the relationship. While he pursued you initially, you may find that you are now the one trying to win him over by constantly trying to prove that you are good

enough to be his girlfriend. You may cook for him, clean up after him, work around his schedule even when it’s inconvenient for you, and be there whenever he needs you in the hope that doing these things will cause him to realize how great you are and what an amazing

girlfriend you will make.

This is problematic because:

A) Instead of appreciating you, he will take you for granted.

B) You will lose sight of whether he is good enough for you.

Don’t Ask for It and You Shall Receive It

Men can be creatures of contradiction. If you tell him you want a relationship, he will resist with all his might. Tell him you're not looking for anything "serious" and he will do whatever he can to change your mind.

Asking him why he won’t call you his girlfriend is a colossal mistake. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, you would be. Asking him about it isn’t going to accomplish a thing. He’s not going to say,

“Oh wow, I didn’t even think of that! Yeah, we should totally become

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

official!” Instead, he’s going to give you some excuse about liking things the way they are, about not being “ready,” about his “fear of getting hurt” because his last relationship ended badly, or something else from the unoriginal excuse arsenal.

The correct way to have "the talk" is... don’t. If you're on track for a deep, meaningful connection and relationship, you shouldn't feel the need to have a talk to make it clear. And it shouldn't be a concern that he wouldn't understand. And whatever you do, don't use the phrase: "We need to talk." There is nothing more chillingly awful than a girl using those four words in a sentence. To a man, it translates as:

"I (the woman) am going to put you through hell for at least a couple of hours and you are not going to be able to get out of it."

When you start getting on his case about the label issue, you are buying him a one-way ticket to the Freak Out Phase. Freak outs often get triggered when a guy feels like he’s losing his freedom and

independence. When you pressure him to become your boyfriend, you are no longer the cool chick that he enjoys hanging out with.

Instead, he’ll see you as a bounty hunter who is trying to throw his butt in jail and he will do whatever he can to outsmart you in order to keep his freedom. As irrational as it may seem, guys are petrified of being “locked down.” They want a companion who makes them feel like an inspired winner every day, not a prison warden who wants to keep them on lock down.

If you maintain your independence and demonstrate that you don’t need him in order to be happy, he won’t be afraid of losing his

freedom. Instead, he will view a relationship with you as the

beginning of something great, not the end of the wonderful life he once knew.

Suggestion: If you absolutely have to bring up the label issue, say something casual like, “You know... for the last month I feel like you've been acting like a boyfriend... am I imagining that?" And listen

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

to his answer. If you frame it in this nonchalant way, you'll know where his head is at and it won't be an uncomfortable conversation for either of you.

Don’t Act Like His Girlfriend Until You Are His Girlfriend

Butterflies flutter away…unless you capture them. In layman’s terms:

a guy will hold out on calling you his girlfriend for as long as possible if he knows you aren’t going anywhere. When he senses that you’ll move on unless he takes action, he will be spurred into action like his pants are on fire and will slap that label right on you. He won’t delay even a second when there’s a risk of some other dude sweeping in and snatching you up.

When a relationship gets to a certain point, a lot of girls will jump the gun and assume the girlfriend-role before it’s official. To prevent that from happening, remember this: you are not his girlfriend until you are his girlfriend. Doesn’t that make things easier?

If you’re giving him all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the commitment, why should he take it to the next level? There is no

reward in that for him. It only becomes a reward when you establish yourself as the prize and he feels like the luckiest son-of-a-gun in the world to be your boyfriend.

Being official may give you some security, but it isn't ironclad. If you had those fears before, you will continue to have them after and will continue to seek further validation from your partner. What you really need to consider is the quality of the relationship you have with him as well as the quality of the relationship you have with yourself.

Do you wake up in the morning loving yourself? Do you love who you are in this relationship? Do you love him for exactly who he is in the relationship? Or, do you feel like you’re chasing him? Like you’re not quite good enough? Like you’re not sure where you stand with him and if his feelings are real?

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

Oftentimes, the reasons you want the title are more important than the title itself, so take some time to really consider the answers to those questions.

Watch What You Give

When you give to a man unconditionally, you make it seem like you have something to prove. He won't see your generosity as a virtue;

rather, he will view it as a manifestation of deeper insecurities.

We’re not saying don't give a man anything. You should give;

giving is great. Giving makes us better people and makes relationships stronger. However, do not give until he shows he

deserves and can properly receive. Don't invest heavily in him before he has shown any sort of commitment to you. Don't cook for him, clean for him, surprise him with notes and gifts until he shows you how much he appreciates and adores all that you have to offer. If a man refuses to call you his girlfriend, don't bend over backwards trying to cater to his every whim in the hopes that he'll realize what an awesome girlfriend you'll make, this strategy never ever works.

The rules of giving can apply to all stages of relationships, but it's especially important in the early stages. When you first get involved with someone, it's best to stay as objective as possible. Blame it on infatuation, emotions, or hormones, but the beginning of a

relationship can consume you with some intense feelings that prevent you from seeing the other person clearly. Giving will only make the problem worse, causing you to fall deeper in lust and clouding your vision so that you can't see him for who he really is.

Being selective with what you give in the beginning will also give you a better sense of the guy you're dealing with. A truly decent guy who cares about you will recognize and appreciate anything you give to him and will happily reciprocate. A jerk will just keep on taking as long as you keep on giving.

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

Rather than spending your relationship wondering what you can do to show him how amazing you are, keep this question at the forefront: Is he good enough for me?”

Remember, we will always value that which we invest in, so pull back and let him work to win you over. Wouldn’t that be a whole lot nicer than waiting in the wings for him to decide if you’re worthy of being his girlfriend?

The Difference Between Wanting a Boyfriend and Needing One There is a big difference between wanting a boyfriend and needing a boyfriend. When you feel an ache deep inside and long for a

boyfriend—or even just a guy to hook up with—it’s a symptom of a larger issue.

This type of longing is usually a symptom of some deeper insecurity or feeling of incompleteness. Any negative feelings you may have—be it insecurities about your appearance, dissatisfaction with your job, uncertainty about the future—may incite a yearning for someone else to be there and reassure you that you are beautiful, that you are worth it, and that everything will be okay. Guys are acutely in tune with your state of mind and no man wants to be in charge of your self-esteem, that’s just exhausting (not to mention impossible to satisfy for another person).

The real reason guys resist becoming official early on isn't because they're "commitment-phobes." A guy will happily become official with a woman who truly wants and desires him. The hesitation comes when he feels like he's just filling a slot, one that could be filled by any other guy out there. He wants to feel like you chose him because of how amazing, unique, and irresistible he is, not because you need a boyfriend in order to feel good about yourself and any man with a pulse will do.

The best possible attitude is one that says you'd be happy with or

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

without a guy. When you come from this place, he knows that you want him for who he is, not because you see him as a means to sweet relief from your inner suffering.

What it Looks Like…In Reverse

Danielle had been seeing Tom for a few weeks and couldn’t shake her feelings of uneasiness with the situation. On the day they met, he confessed that he has never had a real girlfriend before and made it clear that he was looking for something serious. She didn't think much of it until he aggressively started trying to become "official."

Danielle definitely liked him and saw potential, but they were still only getting to know each other.

Tom said he really liked her, that he never felt that way about a girl before, that she was the kind of girl he could see himself marrying, but Danielle was dubious. It’s not that she didn't believe she was a catch, she just didn't believe Tom could possibly know her on a deep enough level to have those kinds of feelings. He showered her with superficial compliments (“You’re so beautiful/smart/funny/amazing”), which only convinced her that he didn’t really see her. He didn’t even seem to care about getting to know her or finding out who she was deep down, he only cared about securing that title.

Danielle wasn’t flattered by Tom’s persistence, knowing it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with some lingering chip on his shoulder. She didn’t want to be the girl to fill that void for him so she ended it. Tom had a new girlfriend two weeks later.

When He Says He “Doesn’t Want A Relationship Right Now” (But Keeps Acting Like He’s Your Boyfriend)

We stress the importance of looking at a guy’s actions rather than his words. While this holds true in most regards, the exception is when he tells you he “doesn’t want a relationship.” When he says this, believe him!

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

Most women fixate on the tiny slivers of hope that their guy offers.

It could be something considerate he did, a sweet compliment, an extra dose of affection, anything to maintain the belief that he will want an exclusive relationship…eventually. When things continue to stagnate, many will turn inward and start wondering what they’re doing wrong (Was I too needy? Too unavailable? Too nice? Too mean?)

We get so, so many versions of this type of scenario:

Dear Sabrina and Eric,

I’ve been seeing this guy for a while and things have been great. I finally decided it was time to have “The Talk” and he basically said he wasn’t ready to be in a full-blown relationship. However, he still calls and texts me every day. And when we hang out, he’s really sweet and affectionate and calls me baby and stuff. I don’t get it, why are boys so confusing?

Ladies, he isn’t telling you he doesn’t want a relationship because he thinks it’s funny to toy with your emotions or because he’s trying to test you. It isn’t code for something else; it isn’t due to bad timing. It is the result of him genuinely not wanting to be in an exclusive

relationship with you.

Why is he still calling and texting? Because he’s lonely and you’re available when he wants you. Don’t worry; he’ll stop confusing you with the phone calls and the affectionate pet names as soon as he finds a woman he does want to be in a relationship with. And when he finds this woman, an amazing thing will happen. All of his issues will suddenly melt away and he’ll suddenly be “ready for a

relationship.”

So what do you do if he hits you with this impossible-to-swallow statement? Let's look at an example of a woman who isn't needy and sees herself as the prize:

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

Guy: "I like you, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship."

Girl: "That's fine, I'll keep my options open then." (And without being upset or whining or taking it personally, she continues to keep her options open...)

The sub-text: "I know I'm desirable, I know you want me and if you don’t want to risk losing me to another guy, you need to make this official."

If this kind of impressive laissez-faire attitude doesn’t spur him into action, then he simply doesn’t want a relationship with you and you won’t have to worry about wasting any more of your time. He said he does not want a relationship (again, the reason doesn’t matter) and if that belief is going to change at all, it will change if he senses that he could lose you to someone else. If you’re content being his “non-girlfriend, girlfriend” then that’s fine too. It all comes down to what will make you feel fulfilled and happy.

You deserve to have the relationship you want, so don’t settle for one that falls short of that just because you don’t think you can do any better or because you’ve convinced yourself that one day he’ll see the light and things will be different. It’s a tragic trap to fall into and you’re worth more than that.

Most women are absolutely terrified of backing off for fear of losing the guy. We’re going to make this a whole lot easier on you. If he truly cares, he’ll come after you, no exceptions. If he doesn’t come after you, then he never cared all that much to begin with and you just saved yourself many months, or years, of being with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

When you accept it and move on, you get all the benefits and skip all the heartache. You'll either get him back (and he'll stay, realizing that he needs to keep you happy or you'll go elsewhere), or he'll let you go, freeing you up to find someone more worthy of your time.

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It

The Pains of Premature Exclusivity

We see this scenario play out over and over again. A girl starts dating a guy and likes him so much right from the start that she can't even

In document HesNotThatComplicated X (Page 84-106)