Remember, any sign you are trying to rush things and get him back is going to make him feel that he’s still being chased and that you are only pretending to have let go of the relationship in order to get him back .
That is not what you’re doing .
Once you have completed the No-Contact period and followed the Break-Up Recovery Guide (i .e . The ‘Back To Life’ bonus accompanying this programme), you are going to feel very differently in your approach to this . You are going to feel you are doing this from a position of valuing yourself, instead of just desperation . So, perhaps let’s say the first time you got back in touch you just recommended him a movie . Maybe you messaged him on Facebook saying “I just saw Mad Max at the cinema . If you haven’t watched it, go see it! You’d love it .”
Then just leave that message with him . No follow up questions . Just wait for his reply . If he doesn’t reply at all, keep going with No-Contact . This might sound like extremely difficult right now, but honestly your best move after that is to leave it entirely, carry on recovering on your own, and move on with your life . If your ex wants to get back in touch, he will respond to the message eventually . Or he’ll just message you eventually . But do not ever rush things by sending him multiple messages and repeating the same attempt to no avail . You can always send him a message in a few months as one last try to see what happens . But save that for later .
It’s always possible that your ex was 100% certain in his decision, that unless he sees you as a totally different person, he simply won’t want to get back together . In that case, moving on is still your best bet so that you don’t waste anymore time with this guy .
That’s the worst case scenario .
What’s more likely though is that your ex still misses you and will get back in touch to an initial text (or he’ll text you at some point, which also happens a lot) .
So let’s imagine a typical conversation:
Him: “Hey! How’s it going? Just wanted to see what’s happening in your life?”
You: “Hey, I just was at an art workshop . So much fun!”
With this first response notice that you don’t need to ask any questions back . Keep it short right now and gauge where he’s going in the conversation . Let him do more of the questions so you can find out if this is general chit-chat or something more .
So the conversation might go on:
Him: “That sounds awesome, I’ve just been working a lot . What’s been going on at work lately?”
Her: “Well, i’m planning this new project which I’m really excited about because…(etc . etc .)
Perhaps your first conversation will feel a little bit like this . Chances are he’s just checking in and is curious to know everything about
your world right now . Don’t feel the need to talk too much and give away a lot at this point, just be friendly and polite .
He may do one of two things . He might either (a) excuse himself and say goodbye, or (b) get more emotionally serious (i .e . saying things like “I miss you” or “I’ve missed hearing your voice”) .
If he does (a) and just says goodbye, let it go for now and carry on as you were before . Then in about 5-7 days you can send another message, such as the Cute Spontaneous Reminder Text (see more detail on this in the “What To Text Your Ex” bonus in this programme) . This text might be something like: “Remember when we had that silly arm wrestling contest and we broke all the dinner plates on the table? I just found another chunk of plate under my couch!” . Or you can send him a Missed Opportunity Text, in which you tell him something funny you saw or somewhere amazing you went that he would have loved . For example, if he loves Jazz you could say: “I just saw a live jazz band playing Miles Davis and Chet Baker songs . Such a cool place!” . Or perhaps you went to a reading by his favourite author, or saw a great concert, or visited a place you both talked about . Any of these can be used at this point in a message (only one short message though!) .
After a few conversations (assuming you have first completed No-Contact and cutt off your ex for a while first), you may just find that your ex may suggest meeting up .
How you respond to this depends on how he proposes this meeting . If he goes in very deep, by saying: “I really think we should talk” you should respond somewhat cautiously, since this does not necessarily
mean he wants to get back with you, and if you jump at it too quickly you won’t show him that you have boundaries .
Simply reply by asking “What do you want to talk about?” . Or if he says “Can we meet to talk?”, you can respond:
“Look, I’d like to meet too, it’s been difficult not seeing you, but I also know that I need to move on from this relationship and this may just hurt both of us more . If you want to talk about something serious like our relationship then we can discuss that together, but if you don’t know what you want and you just want to hang out then I think it’s best we don’t spend too much time together” .
This is going to feel very counter-intuitive, but letting him know here that you have boundaries and don’t want to be messed around is crucial to showing your value .
He may then say he wants to meet and discuss the relationship, in which case, arrange a time to get together soon .
But if he just replies to your message by saying “I’m not sure what I want…” then be careful: it probably means he misses you but isn’t sold on getting back together right now, in which case you should just say: “Well, let me know when you’re more clear about what you want and we can always talk then .”
However, there’s also the chance that you and your ex will talk very light-heartedly, and maybe will just joke around via text a couple of times . If the mood is very light, and he suggests meeting up in a casual way ONLY see him if it’s something that’s very convenient for you . When he suggests meeting up, you can always say: “I’m in your part of town Friday, if our timings match we can grab a coffee” .
If you want to make this message more interesting simple additions will do this . For example “I’m in your part of town on Friday, we should grab a coffee so I can keep making fun of you” . This works well if you’ve been teasing him in your messages .
Or: “We should grab a coffee and geek out on the movies we’ve been watching”, a nice one to use if you are both movie buffs . These work well only as long as you have left enough distance and time for your ex to not feel that this is a ploy on your part to win him back . That’s why you also need to make it sound as casual and non-committal as possible (and DO NOT do it at either of your houses – make sure it’s somewhere neutral and innocuous like a coffee place near your work) .
If you give a reason for meeting up (teasing him, geeking out on movies together) no matter how tenuous it is, it gives purpose to your meeting and distracts emotions away from the feelings of awkwardness which might arise from the notion of seeing each other again .
There may be other scenarios in which you see your ex at a party or a birthday of a mutual friend, in which case, treat that event as one where you are still keeping some distance with your ex . Be friendly, but do not use it as an excuse to reconnect and spend lots of time talking one-on-one with him . Be nice and say hi, but spend most of the night with other friends and leave on your own terms . He can always text you later or call if he wanted to talk more and hang out privately .
If he NEVER once suggests meeting up, you can JUST ONCE propose the idea of meeting, but make it sound very casual and if possible link it up with another social event: e .g . “I’m going to a
house party on Tuesday, let me know if you fancy getting a coffee after work that day before I go home and get changed .”
Notice how you’re still leaving it in his court to actually pick up the ball and run with it by asking to see you, and you haven’t put yourself on the line by having to actually pose it as a question . It’s merely a suggestion he can decide whether to not to take you up on .