INTERNAL EXPECTATIONS TO EVALUATE YOURSELF

We may not see ourselves as being externally controlled at all. For example, people who are rebellious usually see themselves as "free" and "independent." However, true rebels are externally controlled people. The word "rebel" implies that they are rebelling against something. True rebels do the opposite of what others want or expect. They are motivated by getting disapproval, surprise, or some other negative reaction from others. Consequently, they are externally controlled by the expectations of others.

Conformists do exactly what others expect. Rebels do exactly the opposite of what others expect. Internally controlled people make their decisions based upon

their own values and expectations--independent of what others expect. Who is to be the final judge of what you do in a particular situation?

Who are you really trying to please? Whose standards are you using to evaluate your behavior? Who are your judges and how important are they? The more you judge yourself by your Higher Self and what is beneficial to yourself and others, the more you are internally controlled. The more you allow yourself to be judged by others--especially those who are not contributing to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of others--the more you are externally controlled.

External control is often related to lack of self-worth, self-esteem, and self- confidence. If you do not love yourself enough, do not respect yourself, and do not trust your own intelligence and judgment, then why would you trust yourself to judge or to decide?

I once read a card that said, "You don't have an inferiority complex, you're just inferior." Down deep many people with low self-esteem believe that about themselves. They may believe that they have some basic defect (such as an "emotional disorder" or "low IQ") that means they cannot trust their own opinions or judgments. Therefore, they always defer to others' reasoning and opinions.

Your own needs, expectations, and opinions are important. The U.S.

Constitution does not require that people have an IQ of 120 or pass a battery of psychological tests to vote. It presumes that no matter what a citizen's IQ or emotional heath status (except extreme cases), they should be allowed to vote; because each person's needs are important and each person can best speak for his or herself.

It doesn't matter whether or not you are the most important, intelligent, or emotionally mature person in the room, your needs and views are as important as anyone else's! Remind yourself of the U. S. Constitution when your old messages tell you that your point of view may not be important.

When it comes to judging yourself, your expectations are the most important ones, because you are the one who is most affected most by those expectations.

We will only learn to make good judgments and decisions by judging and deciding. We will never learn if we do not practice. To learn to make good

judgments or decisions, it is necessary to practice making judgments and decisions. Remind yourself of that when you are tempted to defer to others. Listen to others, but make the final judgments and decisions yourself!

WHAT DO THEY WANT versus WHAT DO YOU WANT

How do you balance your own wants and needs with the wants and needs of others? Do you tend to constantly focus on others' needs and wants at the expense of your own? When you disagree, do you always end up losing? Is the overall balance of control (who gets their way?) with each person in your life

about 50-50%. Or is it disproportionate in some cases (such as 70-30%)? How often are decisions and disagreements settled by "I win--you win" outcomes--in which both people are happy? How often are the outcomes "I lose--you win" or "I win--you lose" types?

The United States constitution asserts that you each have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness so long as it does not interfere with the rights of others to do the same. I like that principle. This assertion is basically permissive and says we can do anything we want to pursue happiness so long as it does not hurt others.

Jesus, in the New Testament, asserted that we should love others as we love ourselves. He seemed to assume that we love ourselves (and therefore will take good care of ourselves) and will ideally love others as much as we love ourselves and care for their needs almost as if they were your own. This is a great contrast to the belief of many churchgoers--"always put others first."

Your Higher Self automatically cares about you and other people. You cannot be maximally happy without making contributions to others' happiness in addition to your own--not "in place of" your own.

If you are in the habit of focusing on other people's needs and worrying about their feelings before your own, then you need to reverse this trend. Start focusing on your own goals first. Remember, you are most responsible for your needs and feelings, and they are most responsible for their's.

APPROVAL AS A "MUST" versus APPROVAL AS A "BONUS"

Are you constantly seeking others' approval? Are you worried about being popular? Does it seem important that everyone like you, agree with you, or approve of what you do? If you don't get approval and respect from nearly everyone, can you accept yourself? Are you afraid that if others don't approve, some "disaster" will occur--such as total rejection, a terrible conflict, or worse?

These are all signs of external control. They are based on assumptions that you must have other people's approval to be an ok person or get your basic needs met. People with more internal control are not so concerned about approval. They do not believe that they must have others' approval. Instead they are concerned primarily about their own internal standards and their approval of themselves. They may enjoy other people's attention, respect, liking, and approval; but they view these external signs of approval as bonuses--unnecessary additions to their own self-approval. Following are some possible underlying causes of a high need for approval.

A powerful fear of being alone (that makes approval a "must"). Do you fear

being alone for extended periods of time? Do you fear living alone indefinitely or never having your own family? Those types of fears may underlie a high need for approval.

It is important to remember that many people are happy alone. I have met many people who overcame overwhelming fears of living alone. They thought they would never be happy alone or get over their fear of living alone. I have

had many clients who have successfully made this transition. Many of them had previously stayed in bad, unhappy relationships due to this fear.

Overcoming a fear of being alone by learning "to take care of myself." These

clients overcame their fears of being alone by gradually learning how to take care of their own needs and feelings--without depending upon a partner.

They learned to do everything for themselves--pay bills, cook, do the laundry, get the car fixed, entertain themselves, find new friends, get a job and support themselves, make a cozy home for themselves, and take care of their own sexual and emotional needs. They learned to overcome their fears of going places alone (and their fears of what others would think of their "being alone" or "a loser"). They learned to really enjoy taking themselves out to dinner or a movie--alone.

A key to overcoming this fear is to develop mentally stimulating activities alone--to overcome the boredom (and depression). People who learned to feel comfortable alone have usually learned how to entertain themselves without spending much money. Music, reading, TV, computer-related activities, do-it- yourself projects, and art are only a few examples.

People living alone often complain about feeling "lonely" and want emotional support from others. Some people who are happy alone have friends or family to whom they go to for emotional support. However, many people do not have any close friends or family available. What can they do for support? They can learn how to give themselves support. They can support themselves in many ways. Following are a few suggestions that have worked for others:

● Get in touch with your Higher Self and related beliefs. Reassure yourself that you and your happiness are important--unconditionally. Remind yourself that there are many routes to happiness in any situation. If you face failure or loss, these reminders can crucial.

● If you believe in a higher power or God, then use prayer or talk with that higher power to get comfort. Develop your relationship. Don't just talk, but also take time to listen.

● Imagine getting a big hug. Imagine giving yourself a big hug--or do it--when you need one. Or imagine getting a hug from someone you love or an image of someone you ideally want to meet in the future. One client imagined God putting His arms around her and giving her a big hug.

● Read comforting passages from books that get you in touch with your basic beliefs, such as the Bible or your favorite self-help book. Poetry and music lyrics can be especially helpful.

● Recall times when you have received positive attention, support, or affection from others who really cared about you. Really "get into" the memory so that you can feel the support and warmth. Positive visualizations can be very helpful.

PRACTICE: Use your own ideas to make a list of comforting activities now.

Once my clients became more self-sufficient, they no longer "had" to be in a relationship. One client said that in years past she had lost two men that she really loved; her "neediness" had driven them away. Then she spent three years

learning how to take care of herself and her own happiness. She went back to school, got her career going, made friends, learned new hobbies, and learned how to entertain and support herself emotionally.

The irony is that since she has been happy alone and stopped "needing" anyone to make her a whole person, she has had many more opportunities to get involved with desirable men. She can now be in a beautiful, intimate, equal relationship with someone she really loves. She had to wait until now, because only now is she the person she wants to be (and the person a man desiring equality and independence wants to find). She no longer has to settle for men who want to dominate her or own her. Domination had been the price for finding someone to take care of her.

TRYING TO IMPRESS OTHERS versus