I couldn’t believe more strongly that the nuclear family represents not only the fundamental unit of society, but a central key in the vitality of the code of manhood.
This tenet is admittedly at odds with the evolutionary history of human culture. In most primitive tribes, the nuclear family was not a distinct unit and familial ties and bonds extended out to all blood relations. When a man came back from the hunt, he distributed the game he had bagged amongst the whole tribe, rather than only to his own family.
Yet I think it is most telling that in the faith traditions of more than half of the world’s population, the world began with a man and woman – one couple not only facing the hard world together, but charged with building it side-by-side. One need not believe in the literalness of the Adam and Eve story to think that it contains an allegorical and prophetic truth – one that’s perhaps never been as pertinent as it is in our
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In primitive times and really up until the 20th century, people were constantly surrounded by their extended family. Husband and wife didn’t have to lean on each other as much – there were uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents to lend support. And lifelong friends were common – you all might grow up and die in the same small town together.
Today, in America at least, extended families are usually scattered across the country. Your parents live in California, you’re in Texas, and your sister is in Ohio. Good friends step into the familial role…until they move away. The only constant companion you can count on in your life’s journey is your spouse.
Some social commentators have worried that this has put too much stress on one person. But I honestly think the relationship can take it – especially now that marriage has evolved to where you marry your very best friend instead of the person society or your family expected you to. I think it’s what the story of Adam and Eve foretold, actually. Exceptionally close marriages are the culmination of the institution – the highest spiritual truth, and an incredibly powerful thing. You and her, against the world, building the world. Within the intimacy of marriage, the innate masculine and feminine energies that we previously guarded and even denied often naturally emerge. We’re sometimes surprised to discover these feelings, and how much we enjoy them.
On a more practical level, the married couple has really become the most nimble unit for adventure and entrepreneurship. With everyone so mobile, the easiest, most effective thing to do is to team up with the person you know will stick around for the long haul.
All of this is to say, that as you’re plotting your roadmap to living as a man in the 21st century, make marriage a goal you actively pursue. In and of itself, marriage isn’t as strongly connected to the traditional code of manhood as the other elements we have talked about, but what it leads to, is: children.
Procreation is one of the three pillars of the ancient, universal code of manhood. But in modern times, it’s certainly the least popular and the most controversial!
But though it may, ahem, beget me plenty of ire, again I will say that the family is central to the vitality of manhood.
Men’s most primal biological drive is to reproduce and pass on their genes. This drive is really what motivated men’s striving for excellence in the other manly imperatives. Men sought to be proficient hunters and fearless warriors to impress their fellow men, and consequently to gain a reputation as a superior provider and protector that would garner them more opportunities for mates, sex, and progeny. And once men had secured those wives and children, they were motivated to feed them and keep them safe.
Thus, the nuclear family serves as a mighty bulwark against the dissolution of manliness. In a large, complex, and diverse society, where an honor culture can no longer function, a man with a wife and children still has small group — tiny tribe — to protect and provide for. The code of manhood, as
discussed above, can definitely be pursued for its own sake, but having people depend on your adherence to it is highly motivating. The code of manhood evolved in part to integrate men into society and
counteract men’s tendency to go their own way; and with families crumbling, that’s exactly what some men are doing.
As a husband and father of two children, I can attest to the motivating power that family can have on a man’s life. Life isn’t just about me anymore. And I couldn’t be happier about that. Beyond scratching that primal itch to pass on one’s genes, having kids is just amazingly fulfilling – a dimension of human
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Be Part of an Honor Group
While I often feel that all I need in the world is my merry band of McKays, I know that’s not enough – not if I want to keep the code of manhood, activate my innate masculinity, and live the fullest possible life.
If the family is the basic social unit of society, the gang has always been the basic social unit of males. Our chimpanzee relatives ganged together in all-male groups to patrol the perimeter and to raid competing groups’ territory. Anthropologists have found that ancestral humans did something similar by forming closely-bonded hunting and fighting bands.
The male gang, what I like to call a platoon, constitutes an honor group — an exclusive, tight-knit, all-male society of equals. Every member is expected to live a certain code of behavior: those who excel at the standards are honored; those who fail the minimum requirements or show disdain or indifference for them are shamed, and possibly excluded.
Honor groups foster both inter- and intra-competition between men. A platoon will test their skills and prowess in contests with other platoons, while men compete for status within the platoon to see who is the best in the group. The two tracks of competition feed each other – in competing amongst themselves for status, the platoon becomes stronger and better prepared to meet an external competitor.
Honor groups are governed by respect – you respect the code, and you respect your brothers, and so you care what they think. While we often think of honor as staying true to one’s own standards, that’s actually integrity — classic honor meant having a reputation worthy of respect and admiration as judged by one’s
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The idea that we must rely on the judgments of others for our status as men flies in the face of
modernity’s hyper-individualistic attitude. You often hear men today say things like, “A real man doesn’t care what anyone else thinks about him!” or, “A real man doesn’t need other men to tell him what’s manly,” or, “Being a man means whatever you want it to.”
What these men don’t realize is that they’re voicing a conception of manhood that runs completely contrary to the ancient code.
Manhood has always been earned. And just as awarding yourself an Olympic gold medal for a race that no one witnesses carries no value, awarding yourself the status of man is meaningless. For manhood to really mean anything, others have to recognize it in you.
But what do you do when you don’t respect the opinion of men in your society — they’re not your equals, they don’t share your standards, they’re not fellow men of honor? The ancient Romans faced this problem when their empire began to crumble and cultural decadence set in. The Stoics’ solution was to withdraw into themselves – to become impervious to the judgments of others. While there’s wisdom in this
response, as we discussed in the sections on mental toughness and autonomy above, it’s not a complete solution and there are serious drawbacks to be found in it.
First, making yourself the only judge of yourself is a recipe for narcissism and mediocrity. Honor begins as an inner-conviction of self-worth, but then you must present this claim to your peers for validation. Other people serve as a mirror of the self and a check to your pride – they are there to call bullocks on an inflated or false self-assessment. Without this important check, men become like Narcissus – staring at only themselves all day and absolutely loving what they see. An honor group facilitates the giving and receiving of open and honest feedback, so you can assess where you can improve. Being accountable to other men whose opinion you care about, and not wanting to let them down, pushes you to be better. And the competition for status within a male group motivates you to be your best. As the old proverb notes, iron sharpens iron.
Second, social withdrawal can lead to isolation, and isolation is psychologically crippling. We still carry that primal itch to run around in all-male groups, but due to increased mobility and an ever-increasing dog-eat-dog world of marketplace competition, many modern men go through adult life without a close posse. Research indicates that the decline of close male friendships has contributed to a host of mental and physical ailments in males, and there are studies that show that men with few close friends die younger and are more likely to report being depressed than men with several close friends. Further, men who are part of close-knit, all-male groups have greater resiliency to pain and stress. Seeking honor together forges these kinds of vital tight bonds.
Thus, I strongly suggest you seek to wed the timeless code of manhood with the wisdom of the Stoics. Scratch that itch for male camaraderie by joining (or forming) an honor group with men who share your standards. Respect the judgment of men inside your platoon. But when it comes to men outside your circle, who are not your equals and do not share your standards, cultivate a studied indifference to their opinions.
A modern man must live with both integrity and honor – inner conviction and concern for reputation among men should work together. When outside your honor group, and nobody is watching, your conscience keeps you living the standards you believe in; when back with your platoon of men, they strengthen your motivation to live those standards.
For modern men, an honor group can be found in joining a sports team, fraternal organization, collegiate club, men’s group, or small group at church. If there isn’t a men’s group out there that interests you, start
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We have written extensively on the nature of honor, and how to form your own platoon, so I won’t go into further detail. Be sure to check out those posts for more reading on this important subject.