Marrying dancers - 'an invitation for divorce'
ANI7 December 2009, 12:00am IST
s, are more likely to divorce than vets, agricultural engineers and teachers, says a
new research.
Dr Michael Aamodt, an industrial psychologist at Radford University in Virginia, came up with the formula to work out the lik
on the occupation of one of the partners.
The study, to be published in the Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology, found that dancers, choreographers, massage therapists and bartenders have around a 40 per cent c
courts. Nurses, psychiatrists and those who help the elderly and disabled were also said to be facing the risk of a relationship breakdown with around 28 percent chance, reports the
Dai Williams, a chartered occupational psychologist and member of the British Psychological Society, told the Observer: "This is a fascinating piece of research containing all sorts of surprises.
"It won’t amaze anyone that relationships frequently break down under the pressure of jobs i
hours and unpredictable working patterns. Or that if you work in an extrovert environment, you will have more chance to meet other people and develop competing relationships. Opticians, who have a low divorce rate, meet lots of people, but don’t have the time to chat them up.
"But what is interesting is that those involved in caring professions experience a high level of break-up. This might be because they spend too long caring for other people at the cost of their own families, or because they are naturally sensitive people who are more vulnerable and sensitive in their own relationship."
Jobs with the highest chance of a divorce:
1. Dancers and choreographers 43.05 percent 2. Bartenders 38.43 percent
3. Massage therapists 38.22 percent
4. Nursing, psychiatric, and home health aides 28.95 percent
5. Entertainers and performers, sports and related workers 28.49 percent 6. Baggage porters and concierges 28.43 percent
7. Telemarketers 28.10 percent 8. Waiters/waitresses 27.12 percent
9. Roofers 26.85 percent, and maids and housekeeping cleaners 26.38 percent
10. Chefs/head cooks 20.10 percent.
Before you file IPC 498A or Before Divorce consider this - what happens to children ?
1> Children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around.
2> Children from divorced homes have more psychological problems.
3> A Child in a female-headed home is 10 times more likely to be beaten or murdered.
4> Children tended to be "lonely, unhappy, anx
5> Children who come from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide or develop health problems 6> Usually children under the age of 5 react with rage and grief thinking that they are actually divorced or left by their p 7> Children with divorced parents are usually more delinquent and shows lower grades than any other students.
8> A majority suffers a huge amount of trauma because of it.
9> Unlikely to report emotional or psychological improvements
For the children it is often the beginning - of sadness, of conflicting emotions, of divided loyalties, of a sense of responsibility. They can
often feel overwhelmed by many questions:
· Where will I live?
· How often will I see my Mum/Dad?
· Will my mum marry her new boyfriend? What will happen to me?
· Will my parents get on with each other?
· How can I get them back together?
Anger - is often the most intense emotion that lasts the longest. Children are often unable to express anger they feel at their par
divorce so it gets directed to other areas of their lives generally not in constructive positive ways.
Loneliness - with parents moving on with their lives, dating and attempting to fill their lives up with new experiences the kids can often
left out and as if there is no one to turn to.
Tension - Family events and milestones - birthdays, weddings, graduations, even funerals - often become a minefield of emotion. Who are they going to invite? Are the different families able to get along? Can their mother and father be in the same room together without creating
a scene?
Souring of current relationships - Unfortunately our kids learn from what happens around them. As they grow up, the experience of their own childhood and divorce experience will impact on their own ability to sustain relationships and enter into parenthood.
GUIDELINES:
There are a few basic rules to consider when discussing divorce with your children.
Consider each child's age and maturity level; tell them only what he or she can understand. The ability to intellectually and emotionally comprehend certain aspects of your divorce will depend upon your child's age. The majority of four year olds can't understand the concept of divorce. If they know the word, they may simply think it means "Daddy and Mommy don't live together." By the time children are six or seven years of age, they may be able to realize that courts and lawyers are involved and that divorce has meant many changes for their family. When children are eleven or twelve years old, they are very interested in how custody is decided. By this age, children have developed a sense of fairness, and they may want to be sure custody and visitations are equitable.
Always be honest with your child. If your child asks you something about your divorce, always answer as truthfully and thoroughly as possible (taking into consideration what the child can absorb). Sooner or later, fabrication will be discovered and will only confuse your child about the real reasons for the divorce. Being dishonest about the divorce will also cause your child to doubt and mistrust all of your statements.
Take initiative; do not wait for your child to ask you questions. Oftentimes, children are reticent about bringing up divorce
Their silence does not mean that they don't have any questions or don't want more information. It may mean, however, that they are taking cues from you and sense your reluctance to discuss the divorce. If you remain open, not blaming, and calm i
divorce, then the pertinent facts, feelings, and information will be shared naturally and comfortably with your child.
It can be very tempting to vent your hurt and anger at your former spouse to your children. Resist the t
to other adults or to a support group for divorced people. Voicing destructive comments about the other parent in the presence of your children is very harsh, and it tears down their confidence and self esteem. Most children love both parents, and they should not be coerced into loving one parent or the other. Actions of this kind almost always backfire, leaving a trail of deep emotional pain. No matter what happens between you and your former spouse, your kids should be encouraged to love and respect both parents without fear of hurting either one.
Many parents aren't aware of the kind of damage that they do to their children by openly and brutally verbalizing their anger against each other. A well adjusted child will be reduced to being fearful and withdrawn. Some children repeat their parent's behavior with their friends, or as adults they repeat it when going through their own divorce. Others are unable to have happy and fulfilling relationships of any kind with anyone, because the deep and disconcerting injuries that their parents inflicted on them made them doubt themselves as worthwhile and
deserving people. Trust is an issue. They sometimes become dysfunctional.
you need to say enough so your children understand the "why's" behind your decision.
Some times I tell parents to create a narrative - that is, a brief story - that accurately describes why they are divorcing. This narrative or story might go something like this: We've been fighting an awful lot and we are both unhappy. We've tried to work things out but we haven't been able to. We think it will be better if we live apart. We want you to know that we love you and we will still be your parents, but we are going
to live in separate houses. Part of the week you'll stay with me and part of the week you'll stay with your mom. Initially, it's best not to say
much more than this. Stop and let them absorb what you've said.
It's normal for your children to feel shocked, confused or very upset. Don't try to fix their feelings by smoothing things over
upset. Divorce is upsetting. If they are silent - ask how they feel about what you've said. I'm sure they'll have questions. Try to answer them as simply and completely as you can. If the plan is for one of you to be the custodial parent, then you'll need to talk to your children about the visitation schedule. Hopefully you will have worked this out before you sit down with them.
If your situation is one where only one of you wants the divorce or if there's too much animosity or resentment between you
to have separate conversations with your children. While you may be tempted to blame your spouse for the divorce, DON'T! Engaging in criticism and making negative comments about your spouse places your children in the middle. This is destructive. Your children need both of you as parents. Also, in my experience, the parent who's most critical and negative about the other often sacrifices their relationship with their children. Children don't want to take sides. Asking them to do so usually backfires.
One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to work out a specific visitation schedule and stick to it. In a time of great transition, children need predictability. While it may seem easier or more convenient for you to keep the visitation schedule loose
good idea for your children - especially young children.
Once you and your spouse have separated and the visitation schedule is in place, talk to your children re
sometimes think it will be better for their children if they de-emphasize the divorce by avoiding any discussion of it. Occasionally they even discourage their children from talking about it. This is a BIG mistake. Children need to talk about the changes in their lives but they may
need help doing this.
Asking young children how they feel or if they're alright is too vague. One approach is to talk with them about how things are different now than they were when you were all living together. Ask them what they think has changed and which changes they like and don't like. Don't be discouraged if your children don't like anything! Maybe they're angry. If so - they have a right to be. After all, the divorce wasn't their idea. You can talk about what you miss from the way things used to be too. This gives them permission to speak openly about their feelings.
They won't feel like they have to protect you by acting like everything is fine when it's not.
It's not uncommon for children to develop behavioral symptoms related to divorce. Young children have trouble verbalizing their feelings and may act them out instead. They might become listless in school, have trouble sleeping, complain of stomach aches so they can stay home, become clingy, act aggressive towards playmates, throw tantrums at home, refuse to do their school work, or begin wetting the bed.
None of these symptoms are unusual. They are an expression of anger or anxiety.
Again - it's wise to give your children an opportunity to talk about their anger and upset. Let them know you can accept their anger
devastate you - but set some limits about how they express it. Talk with them about constructive ways of getting their upset feelings out.
Share what you do when you're upset.
If you are divorcing and your children are teenagers - you may be entering a rocky couple of years. First of all, teenagers can choose who they want to live with. This may mean you have to deal with disappointment if they choose to live with your spouse. If this is the case, you might try to talk with them honestly about why they're making this choice. It's important not to appear so fragile that they can't be open with you. Also, it's good to see if you can dig a little deeper into why they feel this is best for them. See if their reasons make sense.
If you think your teen is choosing to live with the parent who's going to provide the least amount of parental oversight
sincerely about your concerns. While this may seem like an easy ride, reinforce the fact that they will be making decisions during this period of their life that may impact their future. It's wise to support their independent decision-making, but also express the hope that they'll feel like they can talk with you about what is in their best interest. It's difficult and often painful but try to be objective and examine the pluses and minuses of them staying with you versus your spouse. Let them do most of the talking.
It's often difficult to get teenagers to open up about their feelings. They're more likely to be open with you if the two of you have had a
strong relationship prior to the divorce.
It's not unusual for teens to act indifferent about the divorce and to say things like, "It's no big deal. I'm
anyway." Don't buy it! They're still kids. They still need parents and a stable home.If they become withdrawn, begin staying away from the house more or act angry and hostile towards one or both of you, you need to talk to them. Again
disappointment, though they may not admit it. Kids who aren't able to talk about their feelings some times resort to self
behaviors as a way to distance themselves from their feelings. This includes drug and alcohol use and promiscuity.
The teen years are difficult for parents and children alike, but divorce in the midst of this period can be especially challenging. Teens are trying to figure out their identity. They are beginning to make choices about their future. They are starting to develop bonds with people outside the family. A teenager's ability to successfully launch themselves into adulthood has a lot to do with how secure their home base is.
You don't want your teen to leave home prematurely - before their ability to handle independence has been sufficiently developed.
Children, especially young children, often hope their parents will reunite. In fact, many children harbor a fantasy about reunification that lasts for years. Others act-out in school or at home so their parents have to work together to address their behavior problems. This can be an
attempt to reunite the parents.
If you sense that your child is holding on to a fantasy of reunification, it's best to address it. This is a sign that your children are having difficulty coming to terms with and accepting the divorce. Again, the best remedy is open conversation and clear reinforcement that you and your spouse are not getting back together. You need to help your children accept the fact that your divorce is final.
Dating is a challenge for divorced parents with children. If your children are young, they are susceptible to growing attached to your new love interest. This is dangerous. It's best for parents to keep their dating life separate from their children until they are certain the dating
relationship is a substantial one and that it is going to be longer term. Your children don't need to go through another loss. Additionally, young children often feel caught in a loyalty bind between the new romantic partner and the parent of the same sex.
An awkward dynamic occurs when teenagers and their divorced parents are both dating. Teens feel awkward and uncomfortable about their parents as sexual people - especially in light of the fact that they are beginning to explore their own sexuality. With teens, it's important to remember that how you handle your sexuality may impact how they decide to express theirs.
Teens may be slower to accept your new boyfriend or girlfriend than younger children. They may mouth
person or treat the person rudely. This is their way of acting out their anger and disappointment over the divorce. It may also be their way of being loyal to the same sex parent. On the other hand, they may have some legitimate reasons for not liking your new partner. It might be smart to explore what their feelings, attitudes, observations and objections are. You might learn something that could be important.
With adult children who are out of the house, anger and disappointment over your divorce are often related to feelings of betrayal. Your adult children may have a lot of questions about what was going on in your marriage, about why you're deciding to divorce now, etc. With adult children, it's easier to be open and honest and to go into a bit more depth about your reasons for divorce. Chances are they will understand your decision to a greater degree because they have a better grasp of who each of you are as people
parents. They will have observed and developed their own attitudes and feelings about each of you, about your flaws and about the shortcomings in your marriage. Still, adult children often feel cheated. They may have an understandable wish t
having had an intact family - regardless of how difficult the circumstances may have been. There may also be a greater likelihood to take sides, because they've developed their own attitudes and perspective on each of you as people
In summary, the single best step you can take is to keep the lines of communication open with your children need to place your own feelings about the divorce on the back burner long enough to take an active interest in ho
with the divorce.
Tip 1 - It is important that as parents you encourage your children to be honest about what they are feeling in relation to what is happening.
By doing this your children can see that their feelings are being taken into consideration even though the feelings you have for each other are
not what they use to be.
Tip 2 - Although you may find it hard it is important that you hide any animosity towards your partner from your children especially when you are both in their presence. If not it is going to lead to tension between all those involved and could lead to your children become even
more traumatized.
more traumatized.