Personal relationships: changes and challenges

Some biggest changes and challenges faced by the men in the context of relationships, were those that impacted on their personal and intimate relationships. Those who were in relationships, or civil partnerships, were aware of how their partners were affected both emotionally and sexually. Christopher described the frustration both he and an ex-partner Tim experienced due to Christopher’s inability to perform sexually. Their relationship became more problematic when Christopher discovered Tim had chatting to men on the internet.

“With some guys it absolutely doesn’t matter. Tim, my boyfriend said Christopher, it doesn’t matter...something I've learnt with Tim, is that when you've said it doesn't matter, underneath that it does matter, and you're trying not to hurt me by saying it doesn't matter, but what I really want from you is the truth, not so you can beat you up and I can beat you up and reject you or whatever, it's so I can only deal with the truth. And when we've had spats and fallen out he's said yeah, actually Christopher, it does matter, when you can't get your dick up when you can't get an erection, you can't screw me…it really does.”

(Christopher)

Joshua and his partner Daniel, attempted to overcome some of the challenges they experienced by, on some occasions, introducing a third party into their sexual relationship. They found this to be a positive experience.

“…we’ve come to sort of an understanding. It’s fine, it’s a perfectly mutual sort of thing, but we’ve actually started to pick up other guys for like a threesome or whatever, and twice, involving the same bloke twice as well. And that’s worked out really well, you know. And I think we’ve sort of come to the conclusion that we both like doing that and, you know, if we do it like once a month or something, that’s going to be quite a good addition really because somebody else is there with a proper erection and all the rest of it. It’s something else to the mix, you know. And the two people I’ve found, it’s not been a problem at all, you know, for them, it’s worked out alright. And that I found very confidence building and reassuring”.

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Matthew described some of the challenges he now faced as a younger man with prostate cancer. During our interview, Matthew’s partner Neil was also present. Matthew described a recent night out that both men would have gained immense pleasure from prior to Matthew’s diagnosis. This entailed both of them going out to a gay club, separating for part of the evening, in which time both men would take part in sexual activities with other men in the club, before meeting up again later to go home as a couple. I asked Matthew what the experience of going to gay clubs with his partner was like for him now, especially since hormone treatment had lowered his libido. Matthew went on to describe a brief moment in which he experienced a sudden sense of vulnerability concerning his partner, after seeing him engaging with another man.

“… just for a minute I thought, I felt a bit de-masculated and it’s like because I can’t, I haven’t got the libido or I can’t cum anymore. And I thought, if I’m honest I felt a bit vulnerable, not that I don’t think you [speaks to partner Neil] would ever go off with anybody... But just for a minute it was just like, you know, I can’t do what I used to do… it wasn’t jealousy, it’s never been jealousy, it’s just fleetingly I felt sadness… And maybe now it’s that, there’s a slight part of me that feels a bit, oh I don’t know, vulnerable or

disappointed that if the situation could arise again, these really attractive guy or guys, and I’m just thinking, oh, you know, I can’t respond to it like I used to...”

(Matthew)

Although Ian acknowledged that his relationship with his partner had changed as a result of prostate cancer, he described how his relationship with his partner had changed for the better. However, he also admitted that they had faced challenges. Having to make plans in the event of Ian’s death had led them to discuss some difficult past truths.

“Neil is probably the most important because whilst we’ve got over having those conversations of a practical nature, we then had to talk about the emotional bit. And although we’ve been together nineteen years, we went through a really rough patch in year seven. I had an affair and we’d never really talked about that at all. And that forced the issue, in terms of, because he was really angry about it and he’d never been able to tell me how angry he was, but it all came out… it was incredibly uncomfortable, it was incredibly uncomfortable because, it was uncomfortable for all

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sorts of reasons. I don’t know if it cleared the air as such, I think it just put things into context for us both, you know.”

(Ian)

Not all the men’s relationships withstood the strain placed upon them during this difficult time. Hugo’s relationship broke down because he felt unsupported by his partner whilst he was undergoing cancer treatment.

“… useless, he was useless, and that’s not me being vindictive, he just was useless. Whilst I was having my treatment, you would be there, you would be there, you would go with the person, you would, even if it was a friend of mine I’d be doing that, you know. He should have been in the car beside me on the way up… he didn’t even get out of bed or stir, he was still asleep when I got up to go. I used to get picked up about seven thirty in the morning to get taken up, it was a long way…”

(Hugo)

Elliot, who described being in a loving and committed relationship, expressed sadness and frustration on account of his partner not wanting to talk openly about Elliot’s emotions and his worries about the future. Elliot found this frustrating as his partner’s father had also been diagnosed with prostate cancer several years earlier. He had wrongly assumed his partner would be more understanding.

“My partner is ten years younger than me and what’s ironic and he doesn’t seem to get it…You know, we’ve had real massive

arguments and all the time I’m really aware that because I’ve read so much about cancer generally, about the corticoids and about stress… and I sort of said this to him; I don’t need the stress, I really don’t need this and I can feel, because I do get very stressed out, I am very passionate about things and I said about integrity and more about rights and getting things sorted. Actually, that sort of support needs to be forthcoming and if you can’t, and it’s understandable, maybe it’s too close. Being a partner that to get that sort of support and their having to dress it in their own way themselves, you know if you were heterosexual then you are sharing something with the wife, they’re not going to share prostate cancer.”

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Personal relationships were not the only ones subject to change. Following his diagnosis, Francis’ relationship with his employers became strained after he felt that he was pressured into taking early retirement. The nature of his job meant that Francis was required to provide pastoral care to a fairly large community. Hence, his employers were concerned that he may not be well enough to fulfil his duties whilst undergoing treatment.

“My immediate boss came round to see me within days and said, I’m sorry, we can’t have this, we need to sign you off. And I said, well, you know, why? Because I can manage, I’ll be alright, I like to do things. No, it’s not fair to anyone, we can’t have this…when they sort of opened the briefcase and got out a letter, I’m thinking, God they’re obviously sort of thinking, we can’t let him go on with this. And I’m sure in a way they had the best intentions at heart, but I did feel as if I was being kind of pushed into something a little bit…”

(Francis)

Francis’ working life was, in many ways, bound up with his personal life as accommodation was provided by his employer. Leaving his job meant that he would have to move house, in order to enable his successor to move in, and away from a community he had come to feel part of.

“I’m feeling quite depressed at times because I suppose I feel

psychologically not prepared for retirement and I wanted to go on. And as I feel better, I feel as if I could do things and I’m a bit fed up. And I feel sort of sad that I left them all, even though I was, you know, I was beginning to think it might be time to move on from there. But that terrible sense of not having a role anymore is very strange when we retire…I’ve invested so much into it, yes and I just suddenly feel role-less and kind of quite empty at the

moment. And I just need to find something to do, if I’m going to be alright, I’ve obviously got to be okay with all this, you know.”

(Francis)