An Overview
PETER: "Would you send me to school?"
M R S . DARLING (obligingly): " Y e s . "
PETER: "And then to an office?"
M R S . DARLING: " I suppose so."
PETER: "Soon I should be a man?"
M R S . DARLING: " V e r y soon."
P E T E R (passionately): " I don't want to go to school and learn solemn things. No one is going to catch me, lady, and make me a man. I want always to be a little boy and to have fun."
W e all r e m e m b e r t h e c o m p e l l i n g s t o r y o f happy-go-lucky P e t e r P a n , right? T h e soft, effeminate b o y w h o w o u l d n ' t g r o w up? I t w a s P e t e r w h o s h o w e d u s t h e g l o r y o f e t e r n a l youth. I t was t h e P a n w h o bedeviled C a p t a i n H o o k . H i s song and d a n c e b r o k e t h e c r u e l p i r a t e ' s h e a r t and sent h i m on a self-destructive passage o v e r t h e ship's side and i n t o t h e w a i t i n g j a w s o f t h e " c l o c k e d " and c a r n i v o r o u s c r o c o -dile.
P e t e r P a n s y m b o l i z e s t h e e s s e n c e o f youthfulness. T h e j o y . T h e indefatigable spirit. A s P e t e r c a p t u r e s t h e Jolly Roger and cavorts w i t h T i n k e r b e l l , he a w a k e n s t h e c h i l d 2 2
THE PETER PAN SYNDROME: AN OVERVIEW 23 inside all of us. We are drawn to him. He is wonderful. He offers us the hand of an everlasting playmate. When we allow Peter Pan to touch our heart, our soul is nourished by the fountain of youth.
But how many people realize that there is another side to the classic character created by J. M. Barrie? Are there skeptics among us who would look deeper into this haunt-ing tale? Have you stopped to consider why Peter wanted to stay young? Sure, it's tough to grow up, but Peter Pan avoided it vehemently. What made him reject all things adult? What was he really after? Is it as simple as it sounded? Was not Peter's desire to stay young actually a militant refusal to grow up? If so, what was his problem?
Or problems?
A careful and thoughtful reading of Barrie's original play opened my eyes to a chilling reality. As much as I want to believe the contrary, Peter Pan was a very sad young man. His life was filled with contradictions, conflicts, and confusion. His world was hostile and unrelenting. For all his gaiety, he was a deeply troubled boy living in an even more troubling time. He was caught in the abyss between the man he didn't want to become and the boy he could no longer be.
Forgive me for using a psychological claw to unearth a story line that the faithful have buried. But I do feel jus-tified. A close examination of the fictional account of Peter Pan not only becomes an instructional allegory of youthful whims, but also gives modern-day professionals insight into a ghastly reality. Unknown to many parents and oth-ers who love them, many of our children are unwittingly following in the footsteps of Peter Pan.
With increasing frequency, the little-known side of the famous Pan has captured the heart and soul of a signifi-cant segment of our children. If they're not freed, they will endure endless emotional and social turmoil. I feel certain that Peter wouldn't mind if I use his story to help
24 THE PETER PAN SYNDROME
o t h e r s . I n fact, I ' m n o t sure h e w o u l d e v e n c a r e .
T o d a y ' s c h i l d r e n live i n t r o u b l e d times; it's n o t u n l i k e t h e t u r b u l e n c e t h a t s u r r o u n d e d P e t e r and his s e r e n e N e v e r N e v e r L a n d . B u t u n l i k e o u r i m p i s h h e r o , o u r c h i l d r e n are u n a b l e t o f l y off and stay y o u n g forever.
L i k e P e t e r ' s c o n t e m p o r a r i e s , o u r m a l e c h i l d r e n are suf-f e r i n g t h e most. A l l across o u r land, y o u n g m e n are resuf-fus- refus-i n g t o g r o w up. T h o u s a n d s , m a y b e even h u n d r e d s o f thou-sands, are m o v i n g t o w a r d a m a n h o o d t h a t f r i g h t e n s t h e m . I n a state o f fear, t h e y rush t o j o i n t h e r a n k s o f t h e legion o f t h e lost b o y s . S o o n e r o r later m a n y o v e r c o m e t h e i r fears o f a d u l t h o o d and d r o p out o f t h e l e g i o n . B u t m a n y o t h e r s s u r r e n d e r t o t h e i r fear and p l e d g e a l l e g i a n c e t o t h e cause o f b e i n g lost. T h e l e g i o n o f lost b o y s has m e m b e r s o f all ages. M a n y " s u c c e s s f u l " adult m e n still b e h a v e like lost c h i l d r e n .
T h e y o u n g e r m e m b e r s a r e easier t o identify. T h e y are a study i n c o n t r a s t s . T h e r e i s n o t h i n g o u t w a r d l y w r o n g w i t h t h e m . O n t h e c o n t r a r y , t h e y are absolute g e m s — b r i g h t and beautiful, s e n s i t i v e a n d s i n c e r e , t h e j o y o f a n y p a r e n t ' s hopes and d r e a m s . H o w e v e r , i f t h e y stay i n t h e l e g i o n v e r y long, t h e i r b e h a v i o r b e c o m e s a b i t b i z a r r e . T h e y fly a w a y from reality, get h i g h o n t h e n a t u r a l h e r b s o f t h e land, c a v o r t w i t h fairies, a n d c o p o u t o n m a t u r e r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s .
T h e s e r e i n c a r n a t i o n s o f t h e P a n w o u l d q u i c k l y e c h o his passionate r e b e l l i o n e x p r e s s e d a t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f this c h a p t e r . T h e y d o n ' t w a n t a n y t h i n g t o d o w i t h school, w o r k , o r a n y t h i n g else t h a t s m a c k s o f adulthood. T h e i r desire i s t o d o w h a t e v e r t h e y m u s t t o r e m a i n j u s t w h a t t h e y are: little c h i l d r e n w h o w o n ' t g r o w up.
M o s t o f u s have f l i r t e d w i t h this attitude a t o n e t i m e o r a n o t h e r . I t ' s p e r f e c t l y n o r m a l to s p r i n k l e a little m a g i c a l dust o n y o u r head, e s p e c i a l l y d u r i n g y o u r y o u n g e r days.
T h e n you c a n f l y a w a y t o N e v e r N e v e r L a n d b y j o i n i n g y o u r pals i n c h i l d i s h p r a n k s o r s i m p l y soar a w a y from reality o n t h e w i n g s o f y o u r o w n fantasies. T h e r e ' s c e r t a i n l y
THE PETER PAN SYNDROME: AN OVERVIEW 25 nothing wrong with having the desire to join Peter and his frivolous fellows. Nothing, that is, provided you return from Never Never Land when it's time to deal with the real world.
I remember my own encounter with Peter and his magi-cal dust. I wasn't invisible to adults as Peter was, but I did try to fly away one day by jumping off the chicken shed like my feathery friends. Nature gave me a down-to-earth (and painful) lesson in reality. I also told my grandma that I wasn't going to grow up. She was kind and compassionate as she said, "That's nice, Danny. N o w get out in the garden and hoe the tomatoes."
Reality neutralizes the powers of the magical dust. If parents, teachers, and other concerned adults help the child deal with reality, the effects of Peter and his legion will fade fast, remaining a source of pleasant memories. But if chil-dren enter their adolescence in full pursuit of eternal youth, monumental problems develop as reality becomes clouded. And if they reach the beginning of their third decade with the same outlook, a serious identity crisis will consume them sometime during their early twenties.
There are many flesh-and-blood young men whose flirta-tion with Peter turns sour. They start out like the rest of us, enraptured by the excitement of eternal youth. But, for a combination of reasons, they reach a point where the daydream of Never Never Land turns into a disastrous nightmare. Some recover; an increasing number do not.
Your son might be a victim; so might your husband.
Children who follow in the footsteps of Peter Pan even-tually experience a serious psychological problem that usu-ally leads to social maladjustment. Many of them are emo-tionally crippled and interpersonally inept. Feelings of isolation and failure abound as they encounter a society that has little patience with adults who act like children.
But these people see no reason why they should feel so bad.
Viewing the problem as temporary, they do their best to forget about it. Needless to say, it gets worse.
26 THE PETER PAN SYNDROME
B e c a u s e the p r o b l e m m i r r o r s t h e fictional life of a classical hero, t h e r e b y f a c i l i t a t i n g e x p l a n a t i o n and u n d e r s t a n d -ing, i t didn't take m e v e r y l o n g t o label t h i s c o n d i t i o n t h e P e t e r P a n S y n d r o m e — P P S for s h o r t .
T h e P P S has its r o o t s i n e a r l y c h i l d h o o d . I t d o e s n ' t b e g i n to manifest itself, h o w e v e r , u n t i l p u b e r t y , at age 12 or thereabouts. F r o m ages 12 t h r o u g h 18, four s y m p t o m s slowly develop i n b o y s w h o h a v e y e t t o f o r g o t h e p u r s u i t o f eternal youth. E a c h s y m p t o m i s a p r o d u c t o f t h e stresses that m o d e r n s o c i e t y p l a c e s u p o n t h e f a m i l y and, u l t i m a t e l y , upon the c h i l d .
F r o m ages 1 8 t h r o u g h 2 2 , t w o m o r e s y m p t o m s e m e r g e , both o f w h i c h a r e fostered b y t h e four b a s i c s y m p t o m s . T h e s e t w o i n t e r m e d i a t e s y m p t o m s c e m e n t t h e p r o b l e m i n place and set t h e stage for a c r i s i s p e r i o d . D u r i n g this crisis, the y o u n g m a n m u s t c o n f r o n t a n d resolve m a n y years o f magical t h i n k i n g a n d m a r g i n a l e g o d e v e l o p m e n t . I f h e fails i n this process, h e i s l i k e l y t o b e t r a p p e d i n t h e P P S for a n e x t e n d e d p e r i o d o f t i m e , p o s s i b l y t h e rest o f his life.
B e l o w , I briefly r e v i e w t h e s i x s y m p t o m s a n d t h e social stress t h a t acts as a c a t a l y s t in t h e d e v e l o p m e n t of each s y m p t o m .
IRRESPONSIBILITY
P e r m i s s i v e attitudes have p e r m e a t e d o u r l i t e r a t u r e , media, and e d u c a t i o n a l p h i l o s o p h i e s for o v e r t h i r t y years. T h e y have given p a r e n t s t h e n o t i o n that, i n r a i s i n g t h e i r c h i l -dren, t h e y m u s t avoid a u t h o r i t y and p u n i s h m e n t and n e v e r establish or e n f o r c e l i m i t s on a c h i l d ' s g r o w t h space.
T h e p a r e n t s w h o adopt this a p p r o a c h n u r t u r e t h e devel-o p m e n t devel-o f i r r e s p devel-o n s i b i l i t y . I speak n devel-o t devel-o f laziness devel-o r m i n devel-o r p r o c r a s t i n a t i o n , b u t o f full-fledged i r r e s p o n s i b i l i t y i n w h i c h t h e c h i l d believes t h a t rules d o n ' t a p p l y t o h i m .
W h e n such i r r e s p o n s i b i l i t y goes u n c h a l l e n g e d , c h i l d r e n
THE PETER PAN SYNDROME: AN OVERVIEW 27 fail to learn basic self-care habits. Failure in the little things (cleanliness, orderliness, proper manners) can build into an avalanche of slothful activity that buries self-confidence.
The child believes, "I'll never handle the big things if I don't even know how to handle the small ones."
ANXIETY
PPS victims are filled with anxiety. Early in life, tension begins to pervade the atmosphere of the home. It grows every year. It surrounds the child, eventually becoming the background to every life scene. T h e cause of this free-float-ing anxiety is parental unhappiness.
Parents of PPS victims are dissatisfied with their mar-riage and themselves. Reasons for this discontent are varied and complicated. Some of the more prominent are: lack of emotional warmth and sharing, an imbalance in work and play, poor self-discipline, and an upheaval of traditional roles and values.
Each parent's unhappiness has a different effect on the child. Dad camouflages his pain with the tough-guy image and uses trite phrases to express his concern ("C'mon, don't be feeling sorry for yourself," or "Oh, you'll be okay.").
T h e result is an estrangement between father and son in which the son views Dad as an enigma and a person whose love and approval will never be forthcoming. T h e anxiety is like a dull ache.
Mom tries to suffer in silence but fails. She wears her martyrdom like a battle ribbon and feigns satisfaction at the prospects of sacrificing her life for the children ("I never really wanted anything for myself except your hap-piness."). T h e son perceives the isolation and distress. He's tempted to blame his father but doesn't, because he needs Dad's love. So he blames himself, figuring that his mother has good reason to reject him. This irrational conclusion
28 THE PETER PAN SYNDROME
haunts him continuously and causes an anxiety that is akin to a deafening roar.
In most cases the parents pretend to be happy. They are afraid to confront their feelings and face the truth. Their avoidance is facilitated by the fact that they aren't terribly disturbed, just blandly miserable. So they put on false smiles and participate in forced and fitful family outings while uttering plastic words that have a million-dollar sound but aren't worth a plug nickel.
To the casual observer, nothing is wrong with these families. They appear well adjusted and are often the envy of the neighborhood, but this outward appearance is illu-sory. In truth, the specter of discontent spreads like an emotional cancer, devouring the children's security and peace of mind. T h e parents usually don't say it, but they are staying together for the sake of the children. They shouldn't. T h e children suffer.
LONELINESS
Families of PPS victims are usually too affluent for their own good. T h e parents give their children money instead of time. They don't help the kids learn how to earn. The youngsters take their food, shelter, and safety for granted and concentrate their efforts on finding new ways to pur-chase pleasure.
Affluence without restraints creates a falling domino effect in the children. T h e value of work is the first to tumble as children take pleasure as a right rather than as an earned privilege. Then, with too much time on their hands and too little security in the home, they search for group identity. They desperately want to find a place where they belong.
In a state of near panic, the children are seduced by the profit-seekers who use dazzling media displays to promise
THE PETER PAN SYNDROME: AN OVERVIEW 29 kids that the key to belonging is to do what "everybody"
else is doing. Consequently, peer pressure invades every aspect of their lives, compelling them to belong, no matter what the price. The stampede toward sameness tramples their spirit of freedom and deprives them of what little self-confidence they have. They work so hard to avoid re-jection that they have little or no time to enjoy the comfort of belonging. The result is loneliness.
Loneliness is the worst problem in our country today. It affects both adults and children, the latter paying the big-gest price. PPS victims, anxious and irresponsible, are dealt a crushing blow by loneliness. It thrusts them into an emo-tional quicksand. They desperately need friends; yet the more they struggle, the worse they feel. Many of them turn to drug abuse, sexual promiscuity, and other vices in a fruitless search for rescue;
Loneliness and affluence tend to go hand-in-hand. Chil-dren who don't appreciate the value of work don't have much of a chance to feel proud of their accomplishments.
Without honest pride, they are more apt to be crushed by peer pressure than are the children whose day-to-day sur-vival cannot be taken for granted.
Inner-city poor kids have a crying need to belong, but belonging must share time with concerns for physical shel-ter and safety. This deprived condition retards the develop-ment of the Peter Pan Syndrome.
Farm boys have more opportunity to learn good work habits, which in turn frustrate the growth of the PPS. If you can accept the premise that affluence contributes to loneliness, then you can see why I call the Peter Pan Syn-drome a suburban affliction. With rare exception, the PPS affects middle- and upper-class children. In a moment you'll see why these kids are exclusively male.
30 THE PETER PAN SYNDROME