The students, lost, understanding nothing, crowded by the announcement. Fuji and Professor Stinktopp, also in the hall, did not answer questions, waiting until Sardanapal approached.
Dusya Dollova and Verka Parroteva sobbed. Rita On-The-Sly nibbled a hanky with her strong white teeth. At the same time she hit Shurasik’s finger for his expression of sympathy butting in inopportunely. Shurasik sadly went away, nursing his finger. He did everything in the world with good intentions and absolutely everything at the wrong time.
And it was the saddest. The development of Shurasik and the surrounding world could in no way be in sync.
On the other hand, Coffinia appeared not especially distressed. She strolled along the hall and, akimbo, told everyone indiscriminately, “Well, you lived to see on what island we live! They’re sending us to the moronoids! Doesn’t matter, my Pupie will find me anywhere! Indeed I won’t be returning to this hole!” She used her only spell for the day to print a whole bundle of residency cards. On each card appeared:
COFFINIA PUPER (Cryptoff) Coffinia Cryptova (Puper) Address: England, Dragonball School of the Invisibles.
“Cryptoff — this I still understand! But since when have you become Puper?
Somehow, I don’t remember your wedding! Or you simply forgot to invite me?” Katya Lotkova said mockingly, examining the card handed to her.
“There hasn’t been a wedding yet. But there will be, and very soon. And some insolent little witch will be left out in the cold,” Coffinia assured her.
“This we’ll see!” Katya snorted. “Why does Puper need you at all? Without you they also have harpies on the field to scare people away!”
An enraged Coffinia tried to put an evil eye on Lotkova, but her ring did not work for a second time. Besides, Katya had not yet used her spark for the day, and Coffinia was forced to put off her vengeance. “Doesn’t matter!” she hissed, “He who laughs last laughs the loudest!”
“Nonsense!” Lotkova categorically stated. “The one with good teeth laughs the loudest!
But this doesn’t relate to you. So giggle to yourself into a hanky, Citizen Cryptoff!”
Into the hall entered Sardanapal, Dentistikha, Slander Slanderych, and soon after them Medusa. Her copper- red hair was tied up with a kerchief, but all the same, it was obvious that it was hissing and trying to become snakes. Docent Gorgonova clearly did not like the announcement that Sardanapal was going to make. It became instantly quiet in the hall. So quiet that even the hoarse breathing of the Atlases, holding the arches above the stairs, was audible.
The academician stopped in the middle of the hall in the mosaic circle with runes. He tried to look above the heads. His eyes behind the glasses gleamed suspiciously.
Apparently, finding it tactless to tease their owner at this hour, both moustaches and the beard were behaving like good children. The moustaches thoughtfully supported the loose arcs of the glasses.
“My friends! My little friends! We are very ashamed that everything has turned out so, but magic energy on Buyan is running low. Someone, whom, until now, we have not been able to discover, has stolen from Tibidox the objects that once belonged to The Ancient One. For this very reason, all of you will have a long flight today to those moronoid cities, where you lived earlier. Accompanying you will be Slander Slanderych and Dentistikha. They will remain with you, ready to come to your aid on your first call…”
“As if I would call Slander for help! I’d sooner agree to eat a live mouse!” Bab-Yagun whispered. Since the morning, he had already nosed out from his granny that he also had to fly to the moronoids. Sardanapal displayed obstinacy inconceivable for him, sending home even the freshmen. Certainly, no one intended to make an exception of Yagun, almost fifteen years old. It was decided that Bab-Yagun, who had nowhere to go, would settle with Tanya at Uncle Herman’s. But Vanka would remain in Tibidox. Yagge flatly refused to release him, stating that with such a concussion the boy would only be able to fly on a stretcher and no further than the cemetery at that. Here Sardanapal could not but yield to her.
“And now I am appealing to the members of our team. A great pity that dragonball training has to end now, when the match is so close. But too much magic has to be expended to flights and maintenance of the magic field around the stadium. In this regime of the strictest savings, which we have introduced, we cannot allow even our players to remain in Tibidox for the summer,” continued Sardanapal, casting looks at Nightingale O. Robber, standing still with a stone face.
Tanya again thought with horror about what she was thinking the whole time last night
— Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel. Does she really have to live with them again? She had only just begun to hope that she had taken leave of this nice family forever. Good at least that Bab-Yagun will be with her. If, of course, the Durnevs will let him stay. Today they
are leaving at four, so this evening a surprise is waiting for Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel.
Then suddenly a sharp recollection, in no way connected with the Durnevs, woke up somewhere in the labyrinths of her memory. She recalled the indistinct figure she saw in the twilight not far from Tararakh’s room: a grey silhouette dragging something bulky.
Now she finally understood what he had in his hands. The vanished cauldron of The Ancient One! That being the case, then he also stole the canopy and rocker! “Yagun! Get your things; I have to call on someone! I’ll return soon!” Tanya said quietly and slipped from the hall. In the confusion that broke out after Sardanapal’s announcement, it was really simple to disappear unnoticed.
Soon Tanya was already at Tararakh’s den. She would not risk appearing unexpectedly in, say, Sardanapal’s office or Medusa’s room without an invitation, but it was an entirely different matter with Tararakh. He loved it when they dropped in casually. Moreover, there was a special reason for this visit. Tanya knocked. No one answered and she understood that Tararakh, most likely, had disappeared to the dragon hangars. There was no longer time left to search for him. “Has to be so… I hope he won’t be offended!”
Tanya thought.
Pondering how to get in, the girl already wanted to use her only spark for the day, but recalled just in time where the pithecanthropus hid the key. Tararakh was not a magician and locked his door the same way as moronoids. Putting the key into the lock, Tanya thought that she preserved the spark opportunely. It could prove useful in the evening — who knows what forms of delight she would get from Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel.
Tanya entered and, plucking up all her spirit, jerked back the curtain dividing the den into two parts. The Sleeping Adonis, with hands on his chest, was lying in the crystal coffin. The expression on Gottfried Bouillon’s face was the haughtiest.
“Listen, Gottfried! You don’t by chance roam Tibidox at night and drag away The Ancient One’s things? If it’s you, then it’s better for you to immediately return everything to its place, or I don’t envy you! I swear by my double bass!” Tanya said not very decisively. The Sleeping Adonis did not even open his eyes, but it seemed to the girl that he heard her perfectly. Of course, there was neither cauldron nor rocker nor canopy in or next to the coffin. Most probably, the phoney villain hid them somewhere hereabout, but clearly not in Tararakh’s den.
“So, you won’t return them in an amicable way, no?” Tanya asked. Not answering, Gottfried Bouillon cumbersomely turned to the other side. The crystal coffin shook on the chains. Tanya threatened the lethargic one with a fist and drew the curtain. “Pity I can’t tell Sardanapal everything! Then he’ll find out that Tararakh made a slip of the tongue to me about Gottfried. Can’t tell Tararakh either: he’ll understand that I didn’t follow Adonis at night… Well, no matter, this sleepy kleptomaniac won’t get away with it!” she thought.
Something familiar chomped in the wall. Tanya surmised that they were spying on her.
Moreover, terribly awkwardly. So awkwardly that only one character known to her was capable of it. “Lieutenant!” Tanya hailed. “Lieutenant!”
Lieutenant Rzhevskii’s face stuck out from the wall. “How did you guess it’s me?” he asked.
“Only you would chomp so loudly! What, can’t filter through the walls noiselessly?”
Tanya said.
“I can. But more interesting this way. Besides, it’s my trademark,” explained Rzhevskii.
Tanya thoughtfully looked at Lieutenant. Right then one thought came to her.
“Rzhevskii, we’re flying away today,” she began.
“I know,” confirmed the spectre. “Lady, Eyeless Horror, and I also asked, but they turned us down. They said that it’ll be enough stir to the moronoids already. Allegedly last time we caught the eyes of a pile of people too often and upset them!”
“Listen, Rzhevskii… Not as a service, but in friendship. While we’re not here, will you follow someone?”
Interested, the spectre began to make noises with the knives. He perked up noticeably, although he tried not to show it. “Who?” he asked offhandedly.
“This Adonis here! I have a suspicion that he’s indeed not sleeping as he seems…”
“Are you saying he’s a spy? Now I’ll not take my eyes off him! Here, I’ll only tune my eyesight,” Lieutenant Rzhevskii assured her. Not putting aside for tomorrow what it was possible to do today, he immediately started to shake out his eyes from their sockets and rub them with a sleeve of his uniform.
Tanya turned away in a hurry. It was useless to reprove the brash spectre. Rzhevskii would only begin to do it to spite her. Foolish, of course, to have to seek the aid of this unreliable companion-in-arms, but what else can you do? “If anything happens, immediately send a cupid to me! Clear?”
“Easily! At least a dozen! No problemo, I’ll now stick to this character like a shadow!”
Rzhevskii assured her, screwing into a crack in the floor.
* * *
Towards four, the entire school was assembled in the large dragonball field of Tibidox.
Hundreds of students, knapsacks, trunks, vacuums, mortars, mops, teeth-rattling helicopters, and even long swooping carriers, for those who preferred to fly as a group or simply feared height, were everywhere and anywhere. The field was so jam-packed that the harpies hovering in the sky were at a loss, not knowing on whom to spit. Soon they became so confused that they fought among themselves and with disgusted cries flew away into the forest.
Slander Slanderych produced more noise and fuss than everybody did. He contrived to be simultaneously in all places and butted in everywhere. Tanya noticed that there was no longer a ring on the principal’s finger and he, hiding this, always tried to conceal his hand in his pocket. Dressed in moronoid military camouflage, Slander resembled a military instructor. For validity, he would only need an officer’s strap, whistle, and binoculars.
The things Slander had with him were only a small knapsack and a keg with the mermaid. So that the mermaid would not fall out, the keg was tightly corked and was even labelled with the disguise: Lightly Salted Atlantic Herring. It was assumed that the label would fake out the moronoids and they would not want to poke their noses in there. The principal somehow did not consider that barrels do not fly at all in the moronoid world.
The Great Tooth, who earlier had hardly ever left Tibidox, from want of habit, took with her so many trunks that in no way could she place them on her hovering bed with vertical takeoff, and she was terribly nervous.
The farewell was brief.
“Success! We’ll try to bring you back as soon as possible! I promise you!” Docent Gorgonova shouted.
“And don’t forget to prepare for exams! ‘Postponed’ doesn’t mean ‘cancelled’! As soon as we discover the lost items or new reserves of magic, you will return!” Sardanapal admonished all. He did not even hint about the throne of The Ancient One. Finally, the academician glanced impressively at Tanya, as if he was emphasizing that the secret must remain a secret, even if someone was hiding in the wardrobe in an inopportune hour.
Tararakh kept silent. But then he hugged Tanya so many times that he almost broke all her bones. On the side, Professor Stinktopp blew his nose into his rat coat and twirled the spoon on a chain on his stomach. Either he was also suffering or he was secretly glad that everyone was leaving.
“Get on your vacuums!” Slander deafeningly bellowed, hiding in an enormous crow’s nest, accommodating him for the flight. For economy, Dentistikha released from her ring a single spark necessary for the operation of spells. “Hastenus plodus!” a whole choir exclaimed. Tanya and Bab-Yagun would have preferred Speedus envenomus, but Slander stated that all must move as a group, and personally would not envy those, who would separate and fly ahead. As he would not envy those, who would utter anything besides Hastenus and Pilotus kamikazis (for benches, beds, and clumsy carriers).
Immediately after the utterance of the spells, hundreds of vacuums, mops, mortars, and musical instruments simultaneously rose above the dragonball field, hung for several instants, and afterwards, forming a kind of wedge not unlike a well sweep, aimed for the invisible barrier separating Buyan from the moronoid world. “Grail Gardarika!”
Dentistikha shouted. Seven intertwined rainbows flared up. The magic curtain parted.
The wind flung the greyish foam of the waves and biting drops into their faces. They flew over the ocean.
Nothing curious took place during the flight, except that Gunya Glomov swallowed a flying fish, the cuckoo flew away from Liza Zalizina, and Shurasik fell from the vacuum into the ocean and peacefully set off to the bottom, but he was fished out and forced to dry off.
* * *
That same June evening, Aunt Ninel and Uncle Herman were sitting on the sofa and cooing tenderly. So that she would not interfere, Uncle Herman lent Pipa his yataghan, and she left for her room to disembowel soft toys. She called this procedure “playing poleaxe-head.”
“Poor girl! Not surprising that she has become so antsy!” Aunt Ninel sympathetically said. “Imagine, Herman, in school they have been assigned to read a nightmarish novel.
Dead Ears, or something. Have you ever heard of such a thing?”
“Tell her that I allow her not to read it. It’s not enough that they already dream all kinds of filth at night. Indeed must think up such things — Dead Ears! This is even beyond Professor Flank!” Uncle Herman said. Lately the best deputy drank only red wine and ate exclusively beefsteaks with blood. He simply could not look at anything else. But the strangest was not even Uncle Herman’s attachment to beefsteaks, but to the boots with spurs. He did not remove them even at night, and when he walked along the corridors of
the Dumas, the spurs jiggled terribly. Those who envied Uncle Herman even called him Puss in Boots.
Aunt Ninel feasted her eyes on her husband. She found his emaciated hand on the sofa and placed it on her knees. “Whose little hand is this?” she asked. This was their special family game, begun long before the appearance of Pipa.
“And you’re still asking whose hand is this? It’s Herman Durnev’s, honourable chairman of V.A.M.P.I.R.!” smiling languidly, the best deputy answered.
Happiness spread through Aunt Ninel. “And whose little feet are these?”
“These are the feet of Herman Durnev, chairman of V.A.M.P.I.R., and perhaps even the future president. Did I tell you? The best party almost agreed to support my candidature.
They hinted to me: if all the other twenty candidates refuse, I will automatically remain the only one!” not being able to contain himself, Uncle Herman bragged.
“But will they refuse?” Aunt Ninel doubted.
“Naturally! I’ve almost convinced them!” Uncle Herman said, slightly advancing his eyeteeth.
“Oh, my baby! My lion!” Having experienced a sudden burst of tender emotions, Durneva threw her arms around the most important vampire and started to rock him on her knees. The heart of Aunt Ninel always melted when Uncle Herman manifested ambition. Bouncing on his wife’s knees, the best deputy was floating on clouds of bliss.
“Ah, Herman! I even dream that the Americans would conquer us! In that case, I would not be the least bit worried. Better for them not to find you as President!” kissing her husband’s ear, Aunt Ninel whispered.
Durnev restlessly stirred. “Ninel! For some reason they haven’t sent me my regalia!” he complained in a whine, for a minute looking out of the clouds.
“A nightmare! Why would that be?” Aunt Ninel said and, calming her husband down, started to rock him doubly fast. The descendant of Count Dracula smacked his lips like a baby and closed his eyes. He did not know yet that there was quite a short time left for him to revel in bliss.
A bell began to jingle. “Oh, it’s Isadora Cutletkina! She was going to look at the photos from Pipa’s first shoot!” Aunt Ninel exclaimed. Without looking at the TV screen or into the eyehole, she rushed to the door and opened it.
In the next moment, Aunt Ninel’s deafening howl spread through all the floors of the government building. Uncle Herman with dumbbells and Pipa with the yataghan immediately rushed to her aid. They were certain that bandits were attacking the apartment. “Mom, you hold them and I’ll chop them up like cabbage!” Pipa cheeped in a warlike manner, seeing nothing behind the wide back of her mama. The best deputy looked out at the landing, sighed, and dropped the dumbbells on his own foot.
Tanya and Bab-Yagun were standing on the landing. Tanya waited for a while for at least some greeting. She thought that they would grumble a “Hello!” or give a friendly smile. But the Durnevs looked at her like at a snake. “Good day! I see you are terribly glad to see us! May we go through?” Tanya said.
Aunt Ninel did not even move aside. “And what’s this with you?” she sullenly asked.
Aunt Ninel did not even move aside. “And what’s this with you?” she sullenly asked.