UP UNTIL NOW

Instead of, "I just can't make speeches!" it will be more accurate and more helpful to change to, "Up until now, it hasn't been easy for me to speak to groups." You are constantly changing, and there is no reason at all why the way that you have done things in the past will be the way that you will do them in the future.

Allowing your thoughts and feelings about yourself to move in a positive direction is particularly important the last few minutes at night, just before you go to sleep. I think it is very likely—and very tragic—that hun- dreds of thousands, perhaps millions of people lie in bed for thirty minutes or an hour each night thinking, dwell- ing on, re-experiencing all of the things they have done wrong all day—thus virtually guaranteeing that they are going to do them all over again.

Just before you fall asleep is a very special time to be sure that you are directing your thoughts toward the things that you feel good about having done, or the activities that you are looking forward to in the future.

Here's another way in which it is possible for you to reinforce, develop, enhance your personal level of self- esteem. You can build your own feelings of worth, value, and significance by reinforcing and strengthening the self-esteem of the epi-organisms of which you are a part. Think about your family, the department in which you work or some other group to which you belong. Each member of the group has some feelings about the value or significance of that epi-organism, and when you put all of those attitudes together, you have a group attitude—"How we feel about us."

Your family has a self-esteem level. Mom has some feelings about the family, Dad has some, Judy, Mary, Johnny—each member of the family has some feelings about "our family." If you are very fortunate, you are part of a family with a high self-esteem level, where the prevailing attitude is, "What a terrific place to be!"- or "I'm proud and happy that I'm a part of this family. I feel sorry for people that are not a part of a family like this one. We love each other, we do things together and express ourselves to each other. What a great family!" Whatever potential exists within that family is likely to be flowing easily and naturally.

Unfortunately, all too frequently, we find families in which the prevailing attitude is: "How do you get out of this outfit?" That certainly says something about the self-esteem level of that group personality, and whatever potential exists within that group is probably locked up tightly. The brakes are on!

Look at this as it applies to a company. You may be part of a company—or other organization—in which the prevailing attitude is: "What a great place this is to work—I really like being here! I'm working with terrific people. We're doing important things and we're doing them well."

Your group's self-esteem level is somewhere on the scale from low to high.

If it is in the lower range of the scale, maybe it would be to your advantage to get busy and do what you can to move it up. Consider that carefully. Can you see that it will be to your personal profit and benefit to help the

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group feel better about itself? There are at least two important ways in which it will be to your self-interest. First, you will find it much easier to achieve your own goals if the groups within which you are living and working are functioning effectively. Second, when you know that you are a part of a winning team, you feel better about yourself and that helps to release your own abilities.

How much value will it be to the tackle on the foot- ball team to go into the huddle between plays and say to his teammates, "Boy, we are a bunch of clods!"? If you have ever played on any kind of athletic team, you know how dramatically productive it is for someone on the squad to "talk it up." It is contagious; before you know it everyone is more energetic, better coordinated, and expecting to win the game. That surge of positive self-talk within the team and the resulting feelings do increase the chances of victory.

Because the athletic world in our culture is so visible, it is easy to see a process like this at work in a team of professional athletes. What happens when a player is traded to the top team in a league? Whether it is in baseball, hockey, basketball or soccer, when that player puts on the uniform of the championship team, his per- formance improves. Just knowing that he is good enough to have been traded to the top team causes him to walk taller, play better. The new uniform doesn't change his potential—it stimulates a thought and feeling sequence which releases his brakes!

You can see this same phenomenon with certain branches of the armed services, too. Some units "know" that they are the finest—and they act that way when they are in combat. In every industry there are companies which have that same atmosphere of high self-esteem, and it is no coincidence that they are leading the way and attracting the best people from their competitors.

Take a very close look at this idea—again from your own selfish viewpoint. See if you could profit by spend- ing a little more time reinforcing the positive feelings about your group. Look at the application to your family, your bowling team, your company, your department, your service club, trade association, church, community,

and your country. Anything that you can do, say, express in an way that will reinforce the good feelings within that group about the group will help the group to function better, achieve its goals more easily, and help you to get where you want to go a lot faster.

How long has it been since you sat at the dinner table and said to your family, "I'm really proud to be a part of this family. We are really terrific!" Don't say it unless you feel that way about the family, but if you do feel it, why not express it? It may feel a little uncomfortable the first time. That goes back to some childhood pro- gramming about not expressing your emotions, but go ahead and release that brake. When you have a positive feeling about your group, say it! You will enjoy the results.

When the group does something badly, use NEXT TIME to avoid wallowing in the error and reinforcing it. When others in the group slip into the trap of "That's like us, we're always goofing things up!", step in, gently, with a question: "What could we do to handle situations like this better in the future?" Help the group to find a way to change the procedures which led to the difficulty so that it is less likely to happen again.

Nations have self-esteem levels, too, and they are con- stantly changing, just like those of individuals. A look back through the pages of history will disclose some dramatic examples of the ebb and flow of self-esteem within various nations, and the relationship between how a country felt about itself and its ability to use whatever potential it possessed. Great Britain, Russia, Germany, Israel, Japan, Mexico—as you think of each country can you see how the national self-esteem level has changed, and how that has affected progress, pro- ductivity and the effectiveness of the citizens of the country?

How valuable is it to our country—and to you as a citizen of the country—to talk about and reinforce all of the things we have done wrong? Might it not be more useful to dwell on the incredible successes of our nation and feel good about them? In those areas where we have failed, what can we do to correct the system so that if

we ever encounter a similar situation again we will be more likely to handle it well?

Now let's look at how you can help other people to reinforce their feelings of self-esteem. This may be the most exciting and productive way of building your own feelings of value and worth. One of the interesting pe- culiarities of this basic releasing mechanism is that the more you give away to other people, the more you get! The more you reinforce, enhance, undergird the self- esteem of the other people in your world, the better you like you. The reverse is also true, and perhaps even more obvious. Anything I do to cause you to dislike yourself creates an uneasy feeling within me about myself. So, one of the ways that you can build your own per- sonal self-esteem level is by helping others to build and reinforce theirs. And, there is an extra bonus benefit to this process. By providing other people the opportunity to enhance the positive feelings they have about them- selves, you are enriching your environment.

Pause for a moment and think about the dozen most important people in your world—the people you live with, work with, have frequent contact with on a social level. Who are the twelve most important, significant other human beings in your world? They might include a mate, your children, people with whom you work closely in your professional or vocational activity, close friends or neighbors. Think about those people for a moment and ask yourself this question, "What would it mean to me if those individuals, in the next month, really, honestly, deeply liked themselves better?" What would that mean to you? Would it be useful, to your advantage—or would it be harmful, unpleasant? Would it be a plus or a minus if those people with whom you interact every day, people with whom you have daily contact, were to move up that self-esteem scale and really like themselves better?

I feel certain that as you think about this idea you will see that life is a lot easier when you are dealing with people who have a high level of self-esteem. In- stead of working (or living) with people who are de- fensive, withdrawn, inclined to "shift the blame," you

have a more open, honest, trusting relationship with mutually set goals and more direct communication. Much more exciting, positive things happen when people who have an abundance of self-esteem are working together. Try this. Set yourself a project in the next month. Pick out specific people with whom you have regular, frequent contact, and decide that you are going to do whatever you can to help those individuals to genuinely, honestly feel better about themselves.

How do you do that? By spending more time and effort putting those people up, and less tinie and effort putting them down.

An exercise that you may want to test came from one of our PACE Youth Conferences. One of the most im- portant—and exciting—programs which my organiza- tion offers is a Conference for teen-agers in which we explore the entire PACE framework as it applies to young people. In the summer of 1968, one of the participants in a PACE Youth program created this exercise and called it."The No Put-down Game." The way to play it is simply to time yourself and see how long you can go without putting anyone down. Can you go for fifteen minutes? An hour? It may not be as easy as it seems.

The rules prohibit putting anyone down, out loud, including yourself, even in jest. The "joking" put-down is outlawed because it usually has a sharp barb attached to it. It is certainly possible to tease someone in a warm, loving way, but to rule out the possibility that the teasing, joking put-down is just a clever way of sneaking in a little dig, avoid it as you play this game. Moreover, this is an individual, personal, private project. Do not tell anyone else what you are doing; just time yourself and see how long you can go. You are only working on yourselfl Calling another person's attention to the fact that he has just put someone down is a put-down, even if you were the one being attacked.

When you find out how long you can go without any put-downs, then see if you can break your record. See if you can go for a longer period next time.

At the same time, develop the habit of putting other people up instead of down. See what happens if instead of undermining other people you reinforce their good

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feelings about themselves. Be alert to the positive feel- ings that you have about another person. Be aware of what is going on inside of you and when you feel a sense of admiration or regard or warmth for another person, go ahead and express it. You will be delighted with the results. As you spend a little more time putting people up and less time putting them down, you will not only be enhancing your environment, but you will find yourself liking you better, too. You will be building your feelings of self-esteem as you develop the ability to rein- force the positive qualities of others.

In your dealings with other human beings, you always accomplish a great deal more by praising the qualities that you admire than you can ever accomplish by criti- cizing those that you condemn. I'm sure you have noticed that. It can be very tempting sometimes to criticize the behavior or attitudes of other people when they are doing something "wrong"—which means they are not doing it the way that you would do it. But it is much more productive to reinforce the behavior—or qualities—that you admire.

Imagine a husband and wife sitting in a restaurant. One of them says to the other, "You're not really going to eat that piece of banana cream pie, are you?" The question (and the tone of voice that goes with it) has a reinforcing effect, but probably not in the direction the person who asked it had in mind! Calling attention to behavior you do not admire and would like to see changed often has just the reverse effect. It might be better to wait until the other person passes up dessert to comment on that in a positive manner. "I know how much you like desserts, honey, and I really admire your decision to not have any."

If you are in a management role, or if you are a parent, you will occasionally encounter situations in which someone under your supervision has done some- thing badly. Your child crawled up on the counter, reached for a cookie, and broke the cookie jar. Some- thing needs to be said, but what the child does not need is to have someone tell him, "You broke the cookie jar!" He knows that. He's already aware of the fact that the cookie jar is broken, and he probably feels bad

about it. Now there are a lot of little pieces of ceramic mixed in with the cookies and they don't taste as good. So, he's upset enough with himself and with the situa- tion without having someone help him feel worse about what he's done.

What he needs is some help in how to handle this kind of project differently—better—NEXT TIME. He needs some loving, coaching guidance about how to get cookies without breaking cookie jars. It might be more productive to say, "Next time, get a taller chair," or "Next time, call me and I'll get the cookie for you." Sometimes a question can be valuable. "That didn't work out so well, did it? How could you handle that differently the next time you want a cookie?"

A sales manager might say to one of the sales people, "When the telephone rang in the middle of your pre- sentation, you lost your momentum and never quite got back on track. Next time a phone call breaks your stride, how can you handle it better? What can you do to get back on track and close the sale?" In many cases it will be desirable to give your opinion about something which might work well next time. Above all, be sure to discuss the activity or the behavior, not the person. The coaching kind of helpfulness on the part of a manager or parent is more likely to be in the category of a "next time" message and an expression of opinion, rather than advice.

Before we leave self-esteem, there is one other puzzle it will be valuable to examine. What about the person who has so much self-esteem that you can't stand him? I suspect that if you really think about that person, the one who is always bragging and boasting about past accomplishments, you will probably find that you are not dealing with someone who has an overabundance of self- esteem. Chances are that a person who blows his horn all the time is pretty near to the lower end of the self- esteem scale.

Here is someone whose "REALITY" structure is saying, "I know that I am worthless; and if anybody else ever really knew me, they wouldn't like me either. So, I can't let that happen." He presents a facade self, a false front. Talking constantly about something that he

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has done well, he tries desperately to convince others that he may have some value—and at the same time, he is trying to convince himself! Of course, the transparent

facade evokes a flood of messages from other people that they don't admire the fraudulence, the falseness; and so he tries harder and harder to be a likable person and to pretend tliat he is more worthwhile than he really believes that he is.

If you have someone in your world who is trying to compensate for low self-esteem with bragging and con- ceit, your natural inclination may be to get out your needle and see if you can pop his balloon. When some- one is blowing his horn all the time there seems to be an almost automatic urge to whittle him down to size. But the reverse approach is much more productive. It may