What survivors of any death need most is for their loved ones to be remembered, and yet once the funeral ceremonies are over, many people never mention the deceased again.
“I don’t understand it,” says the mother of a young man who took his life. “It’s like he never existed. I think people are afraid that if they bring up his name and talk about him, it will somehow make me feel worse. What they don’t understand is that I can’t feel worse. Talking about him makes me feel better. I want to talk about him. Not just about his death, but about his life and what he meant to me.”
To help any bereaved person, remember the person who died. If you know the deceased’s birthday or their wedding anniversary, call or drop in and say, “I’m thinking about you today. And about Jack (or Lindsay).” Make a similar call on the anniversary of the death. As one man remembers, “My father was ill for a long time and then he died. A year later, a friend came over, hugged me, and said, ‘How’s it going for you today?’ I was glad someone remembered. I talked about Dad a little bit and felt much better. That one person really lifted the burden of the day.”
In the United States, we don’t give people much time to grieve. They might get three days’ bereavement leave and then be expected to hit the ground running at work.
Three times as many women as men attempt to take their lives, but four times as many men as women complete the act.
Talking Points
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We ask people to “get over it” quickly, not because it’s best for them, but because it’s more comfortable for us. A call, e-mail, or visit a few months after the death acknowl-edges the reality that people don’t recover from a death in the blink of an eye, and that they are remembered and cared for.
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Little children don’t understand the permanence of death; they may ask the same questions over and over: “When is Mommy coming home?” “Why can’t Grandpa come to my birthday party?” Even if the questions are very difficult for you to hear, try not to be impatient. Answer as simply as possible with the physical facts. “When a person dies, her body doesn’t work any more. Her heart doesn’t beat. Her lungs don’t breathe. And her body doesn’t see or hear or move.”
Preschoolers often have very practical concerns. Who will get my lunch? Who will take me to school? Who will tell me a bedtime story? Explain that all those important tasks will be taken care of. Daddy will tell your bedtime story. Mrs. Johnson will take you to school, and the babysitter will fix your lunch. Routine is comforting to a child who will eventually confront the reality that a member of the family is missing and will not come back.
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Older children, who have experienced the death of a pet or observed dead animals by the road, have more realistic notions about what death is, but they may still have ques-tions about why someone died. Was the person bad? Did he do something wrong?
Isn’t death creepy?
Once again, it’s best to lead with the facts. Everything dies, and it’s not creepy. It’s just a fact of life. Most people die from illness, old age, or accident, so you can say,
“Grandma had a disease, and eventually there was nothing the doctors could do. Her body just wasn’t strong enough to fight off her illness, and she died. We’ll all miss her very much.” Emphasize that Grandma’s illness was very serious so the child won’t believe that a cold or stomach virus will be fatal. You don’t want her to be frightened every time someone in the family comes down with an inconsequential bug.
It’s perfectly all right to cry in front of your child when discussing the death of a loved one. Children need to know that their parents are people, too, and that the end of life is sad.
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U “Grandma went to sleep.” The child may very well equate sleep with death and be afraid to go to bed or take a nap, and who can blame him? Grandma went to sleep and look what happened to her.
U “Grandpa went away.” Now, there’s a way to make a child nervous every time someone leaves the house. Will Mommy come home from the office? Will my brother come back from playing down the street? Did I do something bad that made Grandpa so mad he left? The idea is to reassure the child, not make him even more uncertain.
U “Mommy was such a good person, God took her to be with him.” There are so many things wrong with this statement that it’s hard to know where to begin.
First of all, the child may reason that if God takes good people, she’d better misbehave so she gets to stay behind with Daddy and her brothers and sisters.
Or alternatively, if she’s very, very good, God might take her to visit Mommy.
A third possibility is that she’ll conclude God is nasty to little girls, personally snatching their mothers away from them just because he can. None of these is a good outcome, so it’s best not to plant the idea that goodness or lack of it has anything to do with death.
U “Now that Daddy’s gone, you need to be the man of the family and take care of your mother.” What a terrifying burden to place on a child! Daddy mowed the lawn and fixed the plumbing and sometimes he cooked the dinner. He went to work every day and earned money to pay bills. The child doesn’t know how to do any of those things, and he may panic at the thought that he’s now to assume these chores. In fact, the child’s job is to go to school, do appropriate home chores, play with his friends, and grow up. It is the surviving parent’s job to be the adult and care for the child.
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U A co-worker’s death can have profound effects on workplace relationships.
U Many people with life-threatening or chronic illness show up for work every day and are productive, useful workers.
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U The main point of condolences is to comfort those who are bereaved, not to share your opinions or judgments about any aspect of the situation.
U Often the most useful thing you can do is listen.
U Children require special handling to help them cope with death.
11
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U Is it bad news or is it just change?
U Eight steps to sharing bad news U Telling the boss
Nobody likes to hear bad news, and too often recipients shoot the messenger.
Surely being the bearer of bad tidings qualifies as a difficult conversation. In this chapter, you’ll learn some ways to get the job done with the least amount of pain for everyone.
7abVS<Sea@SOZZg0OR-Sometimes news is just news. It’s factual, neutral information. But people generally perceive news as bad if it requires them to change some aspect of their life or work. They may become:
U Negative U Resistant U Apprehensive
U Angry U Sad U Resentful
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These emotions are most prevalent if those involved have had no say in the decision-making process that has resulted in the change now facing them. They feel controlled, manipulated, and bitter. Some of the types of issues that might set off an emotional reaction include:
U A new reporting relationship U A change in job responsibilities
U A consolidation or separation of departments U Installation of new hardware or software
While all of these situations eventually may have positive consequences, at the moment they are introduced they can seem difficult or frightening. Managing the response to change is crucial to the successful implementation of the new realities.
Whole companies have grown up around the concept of change management.
You can help defuse anxiety by listening fully to others’ concerns and asking them for suggestions on how the change might be instituted with the least amount of disruption. Those who are most affected by a change often have valuable insights into issues others might not have considered. If you harness the cooperation of frontline personnel, they can help make the change go smoothly. If you ignore their wisdom, you are virtually guaranteed the opposite result.
Emphasize the positive aspects of the change, but be truthful. For example, “When we all get used to the new system, you’ll be surprised at how it streamlines daily operations. The amount of data it generates is amazing and will help us be much more efficient.
I think you’ll be very happy with it. But it’s a steep learning curve. I’ve seen it and used it and know you all will be able to master it, but it will take some time. I want you to know you can come to me any time you don’t understand something. I’ll be glad to help you out.”
Change management means to direct organizational transfor-mation in a way that minimizes resistance to change and to implement all aspects of the transi-tion from one process to another.
When delivering bad news, do it eye to eye. Sit down with the other person. Don’t stand over him or position your-self near the door. You want to be perceived as a caring col-league, not as someone who’s ready to cut and run the moment the news is out of your mouth.
Words to the Wise
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Keep the end result in the forefront of everyone’s mind. As the change is taking place, it’s your job to continue articulating the reasons for the change and the benefits to be gained.
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Life’s only constant is change, and somewhere in America, people are receiving bad news every day. Companies close, throwing a small community into financial disar-ray. Operations are altered and entire divisions are moved overseas, costing hundreds of jobs at once. A beloved boss resigns to take a position in another state. A choice must be made to close a department or ask everyone who works there to take a 10 percent reduction in pay. Benefits are slashed. Pensions are abandoned. It’s a nasty litany of harsh truths.
If you’re the person who must deliver this life-changing news, the message must be clear, unequivocal, timely, and as compassionate as possible.
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Bad news can alter the course of someone’s career or life, so you can’t be cavalier and offhand. Write down key points and practice what you have to say a couple of times.
You don’t want your presentation to sound canned, but you want to make sure you’re accurate, candid, and compassionate. Think about what reactions you’re likely to face and what you might say in response.
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In businesses large and small, there’s little news that’s really news. Rumors leak out in dribs and drabs, and once they hit the grapevine, they take on a life of their own. And as the story passes from person to person, it’s often distorted, embellished, or transformed into something that has little relation to the facts.
Everyone who hears it gets upset and you’re faced with heavy damage control. The cure for the “grapevine effect” is accurate information as quickly as possible.
In 1982, seven people died after taking Extra-Strength Tylenol that had been laced with cyanide after the product left the factory.
Johnson & Johnson’s immediate response to the crisis and the company’s candor are still the benchmarks by which “bad news”
communications are judged.
Talking Points
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Several years ago, a hospital was the subject of a negative news story. One minor point of the story was true; the rest was pure fabrication on the part of a disgruntled employee who had recently been fired. Only a few employees had seen the story on television, but those who did were full of questions. They were shocked and confused and didn’t know how to respond to outsiders.
Upper management made the decision to deal with the issue head on. They obtained a copy of the news story from a video clip service and called several meetings during the day, evening, and night shifts so employees could view the clip. Employees also were given the facts to refute all the allegations. They were provided with information about the single story point that was accurate and how that situation would be handled.
Management representatives answered every question employees raised during the meetings.
Within 24 hours, the entire staff knew everything there was to know and they were highly motivated to share the truth with anyone who asked. A story that could have had lasting repercussions instead served as a rallying point. There was no drop in productivity and no morale problem. Patient care continued as before and the media dropped the story entirely. The truth will set you free.
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Today’s business climate encourages the use of double speak and meaningless euphe-misms. If you have to fire someone, “We have to let you go,” is unambiguous. The employee is sure of what you mean. If you yammer on about involuntary attrition, deselection, negative retention, growing down the workforce surplus, or reducing the census, however, she may be very confused. Is she fired or not? Tell her what she needs to know. It’s cruel to keep her guessing because you can’t find it in you to spit out a simple declarative sentence.
Often the lack of clarity is an attempt to soften the blow, and occasionally a supervisor will resort to buzzwords because he’s afraid of the employee’s reaction. In fact, dancing around the issue just prolongs the agony and may result in a reaction far more negative than it would have if you’d been clear and concise in the first place.
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Much of the bad news that rains down falls on individual people, and it requires supervisors and managers to deal with situations one to one.
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If you have unpleasant facts to deliver, don’t waste time with idle chit chat and filler.
Get to the bad news right away. When an employee is called to a supervisor’s office, he’s probably nervous, so you may as well end the suspense quickly, with words such as:
U “Shirley, I’m sorry to tell you that the copy for the annual report is unsatisfac-tory and you’ll have to redo it by Friday.”
U “Mike, your behavior at the employee recognition event reflected badly not only on you, but also on me and the department. Since this is not the first time you have exhibited inappropriate behavior, I’m filing a record of disciplinary action and placing you on probation.”
U “Whitney, I’m afraid your request to go to part-time has been denied.”