1 . Create spontaneous moments
Suppose you stood up when having coffee and say “It’s a nice day let’s go for a walk” . Perhaps on that walk you happen to pass by an exhibition and say “Let’s go inside!” . Maybe you stroll through a market and sample some local and exotic foods . Compare this type of spontaneity with sitting there and doing the very serious, very tedious work of pulling apart the various threads of your relationship, deciding who is to blame and listing your grievances . Instead, the more off-the-cuff approach sends a clear message that you as a couple can have fun, and he’s left not quite knowing what to expect from you, which feeds his desire .
Note, this isn’t saying that you can’t at a later date discuss serious issues as a couple, it is simply that now is not the time to have
logical discussions about the relationship . Now is the time to remind him of how you both are capable of having a great time together, so that he leaves the date thinking: “Oh yea, we have so much fun now the dust is all settled between us . Maybe those things we got so worked up about were just temporary hurdles after all…”
This doesn’t mean you’re going to change his entire mind about the relationship in one date . But this is where you sow the first seed . And that first seed has to come from something positive .
I remember a time I was attracted to someone I’d known for a long time but never really felt anything for . One night we decided to visit the science museum in London . They were holding a special event during the nighttime called Science Museum Lates (a cool date idea by the way if the museum in your town is running it) . They opened up all the normal cool exhibitions, but only to people over 21, and they served drinks . It was like an adult playground . In one of the rooms they did something really cool . They had a silent disco . As you walked into the room, they gave you a pair of wireless headphones, with five different music channels, from hip hop to house, to pop music, and you could tune in to the channel of your choice and dance along with the 200 other people in the room who were listening to their own favorite type of music . It was a strange scene . If you took your headphones off, it was completely quiet and everyone was dancing around you to different rhythms . As we danced in this room together, I felt like this was someone I could do anything with . After all, it was not the sort of thing you could do with anybody and not feel awkward . She became a representation of someone I could let loose with . Someone I could just have fun and break down barriers with . Very often in relationships we get stifled around our partner, especially if we’ve been a certain way with them for so long, we feel like we’d be embarrassed to suddenly show a different part of our
personality in case they thought we were weird or laughed at us . Relationships are funny like that . You can have one partner who you never danced with because something about it felt awkward, so you always stifled the part of you that loved to dance unless you were on your own in the car or shower . Then you had another partner who made you feel so carefree that the two of you could dance together in the living room for hours with no one else present .
We all secretly yearn for somebody who can bring out the dormant parts of ourselves that we desperately want to express . We want someone who gives us permission to be those things . Well imagine right now that in your relationship with this man before, both you and him suppressed parts of each other’s personalities . For that reason neither of you were quite sure you could be exactly who you wanted to be . This is your chance to be carefree, to show him the parts of you that you felt too insecure or awkward to bring out the first time around, and to give him permission to do the same . I guarantee you nothing could leave him feeling more excitement and you feeling more liberated .
Send a clear message that you can be different as a couple together now . You can experience new things, broaden your horizons and your comfort zones together . It’s like saying to someone ‘nothing could be uncomfortable between us . We are here for the growth and experience of each other . Nothing is awkward or embarrassing between two people who are lovingly committed to each other’s growth as human beings’ . And when you are with someone like this, you want to experience everything through the lens they provide . There’s a quote from the movie The Great Gatsby that sums this up beautifully . Daisy is dancing with Gatsby in his house and she says to him “I wish I’d done everything on earth with you” . Now imagine making him feel that .
2 . Tell stories that involve new people in your life
One of the sure signs that someone has begun to move on in their life is the appearance of new characters in their life . If since being with him you have a new group of friends that you hang out with, you have new acquaintances or just stories of people you’ve met along the way, it adds to your unpredictability and the intrigue he feels around you . Being around new people means you are growing, being exposed to new ideas, and people who satisfy you in different ways: emotionally, intellectually, or just serve to bring fun and laughter to your life . It’s also true that when a man hears of other men you hang around with he can’t help but assume that they are hanging around you because they are attracted to you, and thus they create a sense of competition .
You might be thinking that if he senses you are spending time with other guys or new people that he’ll pull away or refrain from trying to get you back . But it’s the COMPLETE OPPOSITE . Remember our Moving Train mindset from earlier? As you’ll recall, the best thing you can do right now is make him feel that the train (i .e . you) are pulling away and won’t be around for long to stay and wait for him while he sits pondering on the platform .
This effect isn’t limited to the people that are constants in your life . It also applies to isolated interactions you’ve had with people along the way . Here are some examples of both:
a. Telling a funny story:
For example, “I was getting a round of drinks for people the other night and in a truly embarrassing moment fell over a chair carrying them back to everyone . My whole group was laughing at me! One of the guys had to help me up!”
The implication is that you were out with a group of friends . The self-deprecating nature of the story masks the undertone, which is that there was another guy present who helped you up and played the protector role in the scenario . Whether the guy is a friend, or attracted to you, is totally ambiguous . Ambiguous is good .
b. Talking about something you’ve done recently:
For example, “I went on a weekend trip with two of my coworkers to the Malibu winery . If you haven’t been you should go, we had the best time” .
This simultaneously shows you are having new experiences and that you are having them with people he doesn’t know . Again, it is ambiguous in this case as to whether they are male or female . It should be said that if you have a new job or hobby, mentioning people from either will always be unknown territory for him and have a similar effect . Any reference to “my boss” “my colleagues”
“the people in my class” will bring up feelings of uncertainty for him . Your life has changed, and he is hearing about it .
Moreover, it’s the perfect line to say “You should go!” because it makes him feel like you are encouraging his independence which will only make him feel more desire for you . Because he feels “off the leash” and free to move where he wants, he’ll be more inclined to come to you (and feel like it’s his own choice to do so) .
c. Mentioning something someone said to you recently:
For example, if you dyed your hair a lighter colour:
“I went bowling the other night and someone came up to me to tell me I looked like Scarlett Johansson…that’s the first time anyone’s ever said that!”
The idea of someone likening you to another attractive woman shows that someone was paying attention to you, sought you out and, to put it in male language ‘was hitting on you’ . Letting him know about the complements other people have given you shows other people noticing how great you are .
d. Mentioning something you’ve been getting attention for:
If you show up to your date with him wearing a hat, and he says that he likes it, tell him:
“aww thank you! I swear I’ve gotten about five comments on this hat today”.
It’s like you’re telling him that he’s just one of a large group of people who thinks the same thing .
And of course, as we’ve learned, he’s not imagining a bunch of fashion conscious men telling you how much they love your style, he’s imagining five people who used your hat as an excuse to hit on you!
*Warning* It’s important to remember, don’t try too hard to over-emphasise the ‘male’ element of the new people in your life . Less is more in this context, because even the slightest of suggestions will have his imagination doing all of the work for you, without you needing to overdo it and risk looking like you are proactively looking to make him jealous . It’s tempting to play the jealousy game, but remember: Some games are best won by never playing them to begin with . This is one of them .
3 . Use SCARCITY and INDEPENDENCE To Drive Him Crazy At some point during the conversation a difficult issue may come up: Has he been with anyone else?
It may not be a pretty subject, but let’s face it: it’s hard for both of you not to give any thought to whether the other has been on any dates or hookups since the breakup .
The subject of whether you’ve been with anybody else (or are still seeing anybody else) is sometimes brought up indirectly and at other times explicitly . If it does have to get brought up explicitly, let it never be you who brings it up . No good can come of it at this stage . It only makes you look over eager to hear what’s happening with him on that front, it shows far too much intent on your behalf, and has the undesirable result of making you look jealous and possessive at the precise moment where you want to look carefree and fun . If he does ask you if you are seeing anybody else, your answer should be vague . Whether you are or not, you should be using ambiguity to your advantage here . You might say for example:
“I’ve had offers but it’s not what I’m looking for right now”
“There are guys who want to take me out but that’s not really what I’m focused on right now”
And if you wanted to go a step further:
“I’ve been on a couple of dates but I’m not trying to rush into anything” .
There are two key ideas you communicate with these phrases which INCREASE his desire for you:
1 . SCARCITY - The idea that people are pursuing you and it’s only a matter of time before someone great comes along .
2 . INDEPENDENCE - The idea that you are not looking for someone to ‘fill the gap’ right now, because there is no gap . You are focused on your own development right now more than anything else .
Of course this also carries with it an implied challenge for him . It tells him that you might not even be looking for a relationship right now, and makes him wonder if there would even be room for him in your life if he wanted you back at this stage . What you’re sub-communicating is this: “Who knows, maybe I’m not interested in a relationship at all right now”!
I’ll tell you why this works so well . And it requires some brutal honesty about guys on my part: Even though this guy may have broke up with you, until he has COMPLETELY moved on, he is sickened by the idea of YOU moving on first . The last thing he wants to hear is that you are even close to forgetting about him and god forbid moving onto other people . When we break up with someone we all have that selfish feeling that we still want to feel wanted . And this feeling is especially pronounced for guys, because he KNOWS that for women, going out and sleeping with someone else is way easier for a woman than it is for a man . And let me assure you, he’s terrified of you going out after this date and getting a cute guy’s phone number, or going home with some charming fellow who sidled up to you at the bar tonight and got talking to you . So that being said, if you allude that there is a good chance guys will be offering themselves to you (or already have flirted and hit on you) this is going to drive him crazy and will stop him sitting around and mulling over whether to take any action .
So here, you are stoking his desire just by reminding him of your desirability (coupled with your newfound independence from
him). This dramatically spikes your value in his eyes and makes him desperate to ACTIVELY pursue you again .