#1
NEW
YORK
TIMES
BESTSELLING
AUTHOR
EVERY
TIME...
and
have
him
beg
for
more!
NAURA
HAYDEN
and
keep
him
faithful
forever!
The
First
andOnly
Book
and
havehim beg
formore!by
NAURA
HAYDEN
When
Naura did a survey in 1997, she interviewed510 married
men
from all over the United States.The surveywas totallyanonymous, making it easyto
be totally honest.
She gavethem 57 questions aboutthe most intimate
details of theirlove lives: faithfulness, unfaithfulness,
pornography, prostitutes, impotence, sexual stimulants,
emotional intimacy, etc.
#6. Have you ever thought about being
unfaithful?
#15. Has sexwith yourwife ever gotten boring
toyou?
#17. What is yourfavorite wayof
love-making?
#44. Doyou think a
man
can be happilymarried without having sex often?
#45.
How
often would you like sex?#52. Would you like yourwife totake sexual
control ofyour body?
Naurawas amazed atthe answers, and you will be, too.
Women
will nowfinally findout whatthey've always wantedto knowabout the most carefully guardedsecrets ofmen's sex lives.
This isthe first and only book thattells you exactly how
to keep the sex so exciting thatyour marriage will last
Dear
Reader,In 1982,
my
book
HOW
TO
SATISFY
A
WOMAN
EVERY
TIME
. . .and
have her begfor more!came
outin hardcover and swept the country. I travelled all over
during 1982 and 1993 doing
TV
andradio interviews, andthe
book
sold204,000copies hardcoverandwas
tenweekson the
New
York Times bestseller list.When
I stopped promoting it, an amazing thing hap-pened. It continued selling byword
of mouth, around10,000 copies a year.
Cut to 1990.
HOW
TO
SATISFY
A
WOMAN
was
stillsellingby
word
ofmouth
without promotionandI thoughtto myself "It's doing nicely without
me
—
Iwonder
if Ican bring it out again and re-promote it so that
more
married couples can find sexual happiness and save their marriages?"
So
I did in late 1991, and it really took off.By
early1992 it hit the
New
York Times bestseller list again andwas
onit forsixty-twoweeks
the secondtimearound 1992to 1993, (the only time in the history of the
New
YorkTimes that the
same
identical hardcoverbook
—
not everin paperback
—
came
backyears lateronits bestsellerlist),and to date has sold over 2,000,000 copies in the U.S. In
nineteen countries worldwide, it has sold over 600,000
copies andhitthebestsellerlistsinAustraliaand
Germany,
the two countries in which I promoted it.
Lots of people insisted I write
HOW
TO
SATISFY
A
MAN
EVERY
TIME
. . .and
havehim
begfor more! butstandnude onhis backporchandalittlebreeze couldwaft
by and give
him
an orgasm."But I was kidding on the square. I truly believed that
men
neededno help. Itwas
almostimpossibleforawoman
to have an orgasm through intercourse alone, and that's
why
HOW
TO
SATISFY
A
WOMAN
was
so incrediblysuccessful, but
men
were blessed with a sex organ thataroused easily and climaxed easily.
Finally in 1996, the lightbulb went on in
my
head. "Ifsex is so great for men,
why
are somany
men
cheatingon their mates? Ifsex is so exciting for men,
why
are somany
men
getting divorces?"Then
the ideas startedpour-ing forth.
The
psychology of sex dominatedme
for weeksas the ideas started formulating.
And
Ihavecome
up withmany
original ideas, a sexualtechnique,and a '
'masterplan'' forany
woman
who
wantsto guarantee that the
man
she loves will stay faithful toher because he will neverbe bored with her sexually.
It really works!
HOW
TO
SATISFY
A
MAN
EVERY
TIME
. . .and have
him
beg
for
more!
NAURA
HAYDEN
I
KENSINGTON
BOOKS
Readers are advised to consult with their healthcare providers
knowledgeable in alternative/complementary/preventive medicine
todeterminewhichvitamins,mineralsandfood supplementswould
bebeneficialfor their particularhealthneedsandthedosageswhich wouldbe best for them.
KENSINGTON
BOOKS
are published byKensington Publishing Corp.
850Third Avenue
New
York,NY
10022Copyright
©
1999 by Naura HaydenAll rights reserved.
No
part of this book may be reproduced inanyformorby anymeanswithoutthe priorwrittenconsentofthe Publisher, excepting briefquotes usedin reviews.
Kensington and the
K
logo Reg. U.S. Pat.& TM
Off.ISBN 1-57566-399-6
To Love, which is Good . . . which is Love . . . which is Good . . . which is Love . . . which is Good . . . which is Love . . which is Good
Author's
Note
You
cannothave
thequadruplewhammy
ofphysical,mental, emotional,
and
spiritual ecstasy unless sex isbetween
two
peoplewho
love each other.Ibelievethatsex
and
lovebelongtogetherinaloving,faithful, committed, married relationship.
Foreword
Women
do
not understandwhy
men
cheat. There isenormous
ignorance aboutmen
and
sex.Men
don't cheatbecausesomeone
elseisbetter-look-ing.
Men
don't cheat becausesomeone
else is younger.A
man
cheats because sexbecomes
dull with his wifewhen
shestopspayingattentiontohispenis.She
focuseson
her kids, her house, herjob, herfriends, herself, butnot
on
his penis.We've
all heard oftenenough
thatmen
don't under-standwomen,
butI think it'smuch
more
universal thatwomen
don'thave
a clue about theenormous
impor-tance of sexual excitement to
men.
I didn't say loveand
I didn't say sex. I said sexual excitement.It's difficult for us to
comprehend
how
importantsexualexcitementisto amale. Hispenis is anextension
emotional, spiritual, and physical selves revolve around
this appendage.
Not
to say he's totally aware ofhow
important hissex organ is to him. I said totally aware, but he is
definitelyawarethathispenisiskingandreigns
supreme
over his life. Penis
power
to aman
ismuch
more
importantto
him
thanwe
have everbeen led tobelieve.And
undoubtedlymore
important than he has everthought,becausehe'sprobably never analyzeditbefore.
Of
course yourman
knows
you
lovehim
becauseyou
married him, and even thoughyou
may
not oftentell
him
orshow
thatyou
love him, ifyou
pay attentionto his sexual needs, he willfeel loved.
And
when
he feels loved and sexually satisfied, thereason for his fooling around outside his marriage has
evaporated.
Would
you
need to take anamphetamine
when
yourbody
is bursting with health and energy?Would
you
need to take a sleeping pill at the end of aday in
which you
ran a26
mile marathon?Wives
ofmen who
have been caught cheating havealways been considered the victims of their husbands'
infidelity. Mrs. Nelson Rockefeller, Mrs. Albert Ein-stein, Mrs. Frank Gifford, Mrs.
Norman
Mailer, Mrs.David
0. Selznick, Mrs. ArtieShaw,
Mrs. JohnF.Ken-nedy, Mrs.
Jim
Bakker, Mrs.Robin
Williams, Mrs. BillClinton, Mrs. Frank Sinatra, Mrs. William Paley, Mrs.
FranklinD. Roosevelt,Mrs. Desi Arnaz, Mrs.
Ted
Foreword
Mick
Jagger,and
about200
trillion (ifnotmore)
wivesthroughout history
have
all felt sorry for themselves aswe
also felt sorry forthem
for having such unfaithfulhusbands.
An
affair is nothing as simple as just anew
body. Ifit were, a one-night stand
would
be
all he'dneed
everyonce
in a while.Every
man
wants to "fall in love",and
that'swhy
men
risk everything tohave
an affairwhich
is not a one-shotdeal, but asometimes
long-termsexual relationship outside marriage thatkeeps the
man
excited.It has to
do
with the depression ofboring sex. Itmay
appear shallow that the lack of exciting sex can cause
overwhelming
depression in aman's
life, but hisneed
for sexual excitement is so
deep and
so important to his mental, emotional,and
physical well-being, thatwithout it, life doesn't
seem
worth living.What
we
women
don'tcomprehend
ishow
deeplydepressed a
man
gets if his sex life has gotten boring.We
hear aboutsome
man
cheatingand
we
think"Oh
sure, he found
some young
thingand
justbecause she's(younger, prettier, bustier, slimmer, etc.) than his wife,
he
had
tobed
her."But
that's not the answer.Sex
with his wifehad
become
so boring that he thought he'dgo
mad
(ordo
away
with himself) if he didn't findsome
sexual excitement.Foreword
I
am
now
convincedthatitisthewifewho
isresponsi-ble for the husband's cheating. If she hadn't
become
complacent and allowed the sex to
become
boring athome,
he wouldn'thavebeenforcedtolookfor excitingsex outside his
home.
The
lack of sexual excitement in a marriage iswhy
there are so
many
divorces, and this iswhy
I've writtenIntroduction
I've
been
a big fan ofAnthony
Quinn's for years.He's always
been
a great film actor, butmore
than that,he
was
aman who
knew
how
to have,and
alwaysappeared to
be
having, a great time.He
was
married inhis twenties to Catherine DeMille, the daughter of the great film pioneer, Cecil B. DeMille,
and
had
several children.Then
hemet
Italian-born Iolandaon
themovie
set of
Bar
abbas
in 1961where
shewas
working
as awardrobe
assistant,and
theyhad two
sons out ofwed-lock. Five years later
when
shewas
pregnant with theirthird son, they
were
married.Meanwhile,
while marriedto Iolanda, he
had
afew
other children out ofwedlock.And
of course several years ago, hehad
yet anotherchild (he has thirteen kids to date!), this
one
with hisformersecretary,
Kathy
Benvin,and
when
the childwas
born
and
his wifefound
out about it, shewent
crazy,child with Kathy).
He
came
up
withwhat
he thoughtwas
a great solution—
Iolanda live in one part oftheirhuge
apartmenton
theUpper
West
Side ofNew
York,and
Kathy
inthe otherpart. Iolandawas
understandablyoutraged, said no, and eventually filed for a divorce.
She
was
heartbroken her marriagewas
over.What's
soobvioustomost
of usisthatifTony
hadn'thad
the affair with Kathy, hewould
havehad
one withsomeone
else and couldjustas possiblyhad
a child (heobviously loves kids). It's not the girl's fault. Iolanda mistakenly thought he loved her so
much
that they'dbe together forever.
He
undoubtedly does love her agreat deal, but I believe his
new
wifemust
bemaking
sex exciting for him, and that's
why
they're together.And
thesame
thing with Pavarotti. His wifeAdua
is very upsetbecauseLuciano's been travelling all over
the world with his assistant, Nicoletta Mantovani, a
young
woman
in her twenties. I believe it's not justbecause she's young, it's because she's
making
sexexciting for him.
Adua
knows
heloves her, the motherofhis children,and
heknows
she'shisbestfriend.But what
she doesn'trealizeis
how
boring sex canoftenbecome
to husbandsafter
many
years.Numbingly
boring.Most
women
believe that love conquers all. This iswhat most churches and philosophies teach, and love is
themostimportantemotionofall. But what mostchurches
Introduction
isanactive state,notapassive one, and
must
beexpressed through its deepest expression, sexual love.It's the
same
as ifyou
really lovemusic and
you
activelypursuegreat
CDs
and
playthem
on
awonderfulCD
player with super speakers so themusic
willbe
heard to its best advantage.
You
don't passively listento it
on
your decrepit tape player or dinky car radio. Ifyou
really love food,you
actively pursue greatrestau-rants
and
fresh, ripe fruitsand
veggies.You
don'tpas-sively wait till
someone
maybe
tellsyou
about aterrific cafe or anew
recipe.And
ifyou
love to read,you
actively pursue great
books and
a verygood
readinglight next to your bed.
You
don't only readbooks
thathappen
upon you
passively asyou
browse
through alibrary or a bookstore.
So
many
ofus love ourhusbands
passively, but loveof spouse is an active experience,
and
tobe
a greatexperienceitneedsthe
same
dedicationasloveofmusic, love of food, loveofreading,and any
oftheotherloves.Now
love hasmany
expressions.You
can hug,you
can kiss,
you
can hold hands, but again, the deepestexpression of love is sex.
Sex
is a driving force, a life force screaming tobe
expressed—
and
ifwomen
understood this sex drive in themselves (forget for the
moment
their husbands),we
would
have
fewerfrus-trated, angry,
and
tense wives.We
wouldn'thave
somany
terrible motherswho
make
their children's livesangry and took it out
on
me.Almost
always, becausethe rest of the time she
was
loving, but Iwas
so afraidof her terrible temper that I tensed
up
and stayed thatway
formuch
ofmy
life.She
toldme
once before she died that shehad
neverhad
any pleasure in sex.She
said she
had
never had an orgasm.No
matterwho
awoman
really loves, she willdo
anythingto
make
thatpersonhappy
and keepthatpersonwell.
We
allknow
awoman's
sacrifices for her children:she'll get
up
early tomake
their breakfast, she'll packtheir lunches, she'll drive
them
to school, she'll takethem
tothe doctoranddentist, she'llgo
withouttomake
sure her children are well-dressed, healthy, and happy.
Now
we
allknow
not everywoman
is like that, butmost
are.Some
people are not really capable of deeplove.
Maybe
theywere
mistreatedwhen
veryyoung
andthis pain built
up
a wall to keep out anymore
pain, butsadly the wall can't distinguish between
good
and bad,so it keeps out all feeling. That's
what
fear brings withit.
Certainly there are neurotic, sick and disturbed
women,
but the majority of us are ready, willing andable to give and receive love.
We
don'tusuallytakeourkidsforgranted—
we know
they need us at all times, they need our help and loveon
a constant basis.But
oftentimeswe
do
take ourIntroduction
it because
we
know
we
have
to in our marriage.But
many
of us, ifwe
reallyhad
a choice,would
giveup
sex altogether. This is because we, the wives,
do
not always, if ever,have
the great pleasure of an orgasm.Many
of usmake
love (actuallywe
allow our husbandsto
make
love),and
because of our passivity,we
don'tmake
it exciting.We
lie thereand
lethim "do
histhing," thinking that's all
we
need
todo
tokeep
him
sexuallysatisfied.
But
alas,he issoon super-boredsexu-ally withhis unimaginative,bored wife (anything
would
getboringif
one
ofthe partners isbored),and
it's prettyobvious wifey,
who's
doing itby
rote, ismore
thanbored
—
she honestlywould
do
almost anything not tohave
tomake
love with him.*'Nottonighthoney,
I
have
aheadache, stomachache,my
period,I'm
tired, etc., etc., etc." Obviously, if sheknew
thetopof herhead
would
come
offinanincredibleorgasm
of intense pleasure in less than ten minuteswithout any struggle, frustration, great effort
and
enor-mous
expenditure ofenergyon
her part, her headaches,stomachaches, period, tiredness, etc.,
would
disappearin a flash. In fact, they
would
neverhave been
there inthe first place 'cause she
would
have been
thinkingabout her exciting body-pleasure-to-come during the
day
and
shewould
be thrilled to have herhusband
initiate sex.
And
if he didn't, she would.Ah,
but that'smy
other marriage manual.10 Introduction
bodies. That's
why
awoman's
sex organ (clit) is there for pleasure.A
man
must
orgasm
to procreate, but awoman
can have twenty children literally and neverhave an orgasm.
The
clitoris is a part of herbody
thatisthereonlytogive herpleasure, onlytodeepenthelove shealreadyfeelsforherhusband,becausehopefullyhe' the one giving her the orgasm.
Ifa
woman
lovesherhusband
formany
otherreasons(he's smart, he's funny, he's loving, he's affectionate,
he's thoughtful), she will forget herself for the
moment
andconcentrate
on
keepinghissexlifeexciting.Becausewhen
she's gothim
panting forher (even afterfive, ten, twenty, forty andmore
years), she will be in a positionof great strength, and he will
do
almost anything shewants (learn to
make
incredible love to her).And
that'sthebeginning of a trulygreatmarriage
when
two
peoplewho
really like, love, and respect each other have greatsex every time they
make
love.If a
woman
really cares about her husband and/orreally wants their marriage to last, she'd be wise to
revise her thinking and try to understand that, if the
love is still there, sex is the cement that keeps that
marriage gluedtogether.
Not
just sex,butexcitingphysi-cal, mental, and emotional sex, and
when
awoman
gives that to her
husband
on
a daily basis,no amount
of
TNT
orno
H-bomb
couldblow
that marriage apart.And
a wife's age has nothing todo
with it.Most
Introduction 11
peopletendtothinkthatalla
woman
hastobe
isyounger
to wrest a
man
away
from
his wife.Not
true. Itmay
seem
so because everyday
many
more young
women
enter the
work
force out of high schooland
college, soyouth abounds,
and
many
men
wind
up
withyounger
women.
Look
at Prince Charleswho
left his thirtyish wife,Princess Diana, for his fiftyish paramour, Camilla
Par-ker-Bowles.
And
his uncle, theDuke
of Windsor, 42,who
became King
Edward,
forsook a gorgeous,much
younger
woman
in her early twenties, GloriaVander-bilt'saunt,
Lady
Thelma
Furness, tomarry
WallisSimp-son,
who
was
forty,and
foranyone
who's
ever seenher photo, not a beauty. In fact, she
was
rather homely,but with
mucho money
and
good
taste; she dressedexceedinglywell
and
became
atleast stylishly attractive.But
she obviouslyhad
strong sexualpower
overKing
Edward
forhim
tohave
givenup
his throne for herwhen
theymarriedin1936
(andhe
and
she thenbecame
the
Duke
and
Duchess
of Windsor),and
their marriagelasted their lifetime.
What
attracts aman
is awoman
who
thinks he'ssensational,
and
if his wife has started takinghim
forgranted
and
ayounger
woman
atwork
treatshim
likea king, anything could
happen and
often does.All a
man
really needs toknow
and
feel is that his12 Introduction
everything to
make him
happy.A
wife can be any ageand if she cares
enough
and has learnedhow,
she cansexually captivate her man.
I don't care if
two
people are married fortwo
yearsor forty years, it is absolutely possible for a
woman
toenchant her husband so
much
sexually that he'll never feel the needforanotherwoman.
Obviously, a wife hasto really love her
guy
and be willing to learnwhat
todo
to keephim
enchanted, but unequivocally I state it1
Why
Men
So
Easily
and
So
Often
Get Bored
Sexually
Every
man
desiresand
needs sexualexcitementeveryday
of his life.It doesn't
have
tobe
actual physical sex every day(althoughthat is the ultimate
"high"
for a male), it canbe just the thought of
someone
who
turnshim
on
thatbrings the excitement.
Some
men
sublimate their sexual energies intosociallyconstructive orcreative channels.Others deflect
theirbiologicalurges intobusiness transactions.
But
thebasic sexual needs
and
desires are there.What
seems
likejusta small part ofhisanatomy and
his life actually controls his mental
and
emotional well-being.I
am
going to liken aman's need
for sexualdiabeticadailydose ofinsulin, the diabetesiscontrolled
and he is healthy. If
you
give aman
a daily dose oforal sex, his need for sexual excitement is controlled
and the marriage is healthy.
Ifyou
don
f
tgive theinsulin,the
man
willdieofdiabeticcoma.
And
ifyou
don't pay attention and focus on theman's penis, the marriage will die of marital coma.
Having
anorgasm
is the greatest physical pleasureon
this planet—
bar none.And
it's very simpleand easyfor a healthy
man
to orgasm, so it'sno
wonder
he'dlike it as often as he can get it.
But
ifhe's married and his wife has lost interest in sex,boredom
will set in.I don't
mean
boredom
with sex, Imean
boredom
with the person he's sexing with.When
aman's mate
is too sure ofhim
and fails tokeep sex exciting, he will look around for excitement.
It's as simple as that.
Many
wivesknow
their husbands lovethem
andknow
they're their husbands' best friends. After livingtogether for
many
years, having kids, sharing the joysand thepains, thelove is very strong.
But what
somany
women
don't realize ishow
boring sexbecomes
tomales if
you
just expecthim
to put it in,pump
away,andquicklyorgasm.That
would
beinfinitely worsethaneatingonly dry toastatevery
meal
in a very smallroom
with
no
windows.Now
when
you're starving, the toastwould
be a treat, but otherwise—
BOR-RING!
Washing-Why
Men
. . . GetBored
Sexually75
ton, D.C., research
showed
thatmen
have
sex to feelphysicalpleasure (surprise!),
and
most
women
have
sexto strengthen the relationship through sexual intimacy.
All
men
want
sex.Most
want
it often.And
that'sbecause it is such incredible pleasure
and
the pleasurecomes
so easily to them.And
it alsomakes them
feelso
good
and
so"UP"
afterwards (lots of endorphinskicking in!).
If
women
had
as easy a timeorgasming
asmen
do
(feeling the incredible pleasure),
we
would
seek sex as relentlessly as they do.But
we
don't because it's verydifficult
—
almost impossible withoutmy
technique—
fora
woman
toorgasm
duringstraightman-on-top
inter-course,
and
the otherways
(oral sex, hands) are not nearly as excitingand
fulfilling as the "missionary."The
difference is that a femaleorgasm
with oral sexorhands is only around the genital area, the sex organs,
whereas afemale
orgasm
with intercoursemakes
everynerve ending in
your
body
explode—
your knees, yourelbows,yourlegs, yourarms,yourneck, yourshoulders,
your
stomach
—
every nerve ending!
So
because sex doesn'tcome
aseasy forus,we
many
times relegate it
way
down
on
our priority list.Almost
everythingbecomes
more
important than sex: kids,new
furniture,clothes,hair style,havinga
good
figure,mani-cure,
new
car, terrific diet, great movie, exciting job,fabulous apartment,
and
the list goeson
with sex nearNow
men
allwant
more
or less thesame
things aswomen
do, but their priorities are different.Sex
would
be at the top of the list, not the bottom.
And
when
women
really realizethis,we
willactivelybecome
great lovers.I'm
talking both technicallyand
psychologically great lovers.
To
drive aman
wild, insane, crazy inbed
(assuming thatyou
love each otherinthe firstplace)will guaranteethat relationship will last.
When
the sex is constantlyexciting, he will think about
you
when
you're notthereand
want
a replay as quickly as possible.Many
feminists will scream thatno
woman
should ever have sex with aman
just to please him, that that'sdemeaning
towomanhood. They
sayithas tobe alwaysmutual pleasure.
But
when
a wife really loves herhus-band, look at the great pleasure she
would
feel givingher beloved
much
needed love (an oral sex orgasm)every day or as often as possible.
Goodness
is itsown
reward!And
look at other aspects of life, particularly work. Ifyou
can't waitto leave the office and are outthe doorat 4:59:59, or if your focus is not
on
yourwork
andyou
takelots of personalcallson
company
time,do
you
think yourbosswilltreasure
you
asa valuedemployee?
A
workingwoman
with a boss might stay late in heroffice to finish ajob because she
knows
that willmake
Why
Men
. . . GetBored
Sexually17
a
woman
is running herown
business shemight
takea client out to dinner,
even
though she really doesn'twant
to, but sheknows
thatwhen
she doesgo
out of herway
for the client, the client will bemore
likely tobe
loyal to her business.How
is this differentfrom
pleasing or not pleasingyour
husband?
Ifyou
know
promptness is important tohim, is it loving for
you
tomeet
him
thirty minuteslate?
And
ifyou
know
he
desiresand
needs a lot ofsex,
why
not cater to his pleasure? Ifyou do
it in yourjob
and
you do
it for your kids,why
notdo
it for theman
you
loveand
married?Feminists tend to
have
aproblem
whenever
sexcomes
into the picture.When
my
book,HOW
TO
SAT-ISFY
A
WOMAN
EVERY
TIME
...and
have herbeg
for
more!
came
out, feminists picketed a bookstore inSan
Francisco.They
were
outraged withmy
title(whichI loved because the
"begging"
isamusing
tome,
butmost
feminists are notknown
for their great senses ofhumor!)
The
reallyamusing
partisthattheLos
Angeles Timesprinted a question
from
a reader asking ifany
lesbianswere
buying the book.And
when
Isaw
the reply, thatyes,
some
bookstoreshad
reported that, I started asking booksellers ifthatwas
theirexperience.Many
said yes,that
even
thoughthehuge
preponderanceofbuyerswere
only goes to prove that
no
matterwhat
your sexualproclivity, everyone
who
cares forsomeone
is lookingto learn
how
to satisfy that sexual partner.I definitely considermyself a feminist
—
I've alwayssupported myself, I believe in equality in every area, I
bought
my
own
house, etc. I'veneverbelievedthatmen
are better than
women
or thatwomen
are better thanmen.
Some
women
are smarter andsome
men
aresmarter—
it's an individual thing.But
most
men
aresexually needier than
most
women,
andwomen
must
understand this to coexist happily in a male/female
world. I also believe in the
power
of sex in marriage.Everybody
knows
thepower
oflove in a marriage, butnoteveryoneunderstands
how
powerfulsex(thedeepestexpression of love) is.
I'vereadof
two
situations withtwo
different couplesthat I found very enlightening.
The
firstwas
a story inVanity Fair (agreatmagazine)
'The
Screenwriter:Not
Your
Average Joe"
about one of themost
successfulscreenwriters in Hollywood, Joe Eszterhas,
who
was
married to Geri and
had
a teenage son and daughter with her.He
has writtenmany
big screen hits includingBasic Instinct, starring Michael Douglas and Sharon
Stone. In the spring of 1993, he and his wife
had
ahouseguest forseveralweeks,
Naomi
Baka
Macdonald,whose
husband had
left her for Sharon Stone, and shewas
recuperating emotionallyattheirhouse.Naomi
saysWhy
Men
. .. Get
Bored
Sexually/£
see a lot ofthings that she should
have
seenand
couldhave
seen."When
the three ofthem would
go
some-place in a car,
Naomi
says that Geriwould
encourageherto sit inthe front seat ofthe car with Joe. ''He likes
talking to you,"
Naomi
says his wifewould
say. Geri, the wife,even
encouraged hertobuy
a short black silkrobe, saying,
"Joseph
would
love iton
you."Is it possible
anyone
couldbe
orwould
be
so naiveand
so blind to reality? In a short period of time in themidst of
Naomi's
stay, Joe left Geri,moved
in withNaomi,
divorced Geri, marriedNaomi, and
thenhad
two
children with her. Joe says, "thathis ex-wife feels thatNaomi
is ademon."
As
I see it, she's not ademon,
and
Joewould
nothave
fallen in love withNaomi
iftheir marriage
had been
satisfying.The
second situation I read about in a wonderfulbook,Haywire,
by Brooke
Hay
ward, daughter ofa veryfamous
show-biz couple of the 1940sand
1950s.Her
father, Leland
Hay
ward,was
one
ofthe biggest actor'sagentsofhisera(hediscovered
Henry
Fonda
and
Jimmy
Stewart,
and
representedmany
of the topHollywood
stars like Greta Garbo,
Judy
Garland,Gregory
Peck,Fred Astaire, etc.)
and
then laterbecame
a producer ofsome
of the greatestBroadway
shows
(Mr. Roberts, Gypsy,Sound
of Music, etc.),and
her mother, Leland's
wife, MargaretSullavan,
was
astaron
Broadway
(StageDoor, Voice
of
the Turtle, Sabrina Fair, etc.),and
a20
HOW
TO
SATISFY
A
MAN
EVERY
TIME
Jimmy
Stewart,Back
Street with Charles Boyer, etc.).They
had
three children andwere
veryhappy
together.His
work
was
mainlyon
theWest
Coast in the filmbiz, and she hated Hollywood, so she took her
own
money
and bought a house in Connecticut and lived theremost
ofthe time with the kids, herhusband
flyingback whenever
he could.She
was
so upsetwhen
she found out that hewas
fooling around in her absence (what did she think he
would do
when
shedeliberatelylefthim
aloneforweeks
on
end?), that shedecidedto testtheirmarriageanddo
aplayin
London
forsixmonths, even thoughherhusbandbegged
her not to go, and told herhow
vulnerableand
lonely he
was
at that time.Quoting Leland from
thebook, ''Basically,
I'm
absolutelymonogamous.
Basi-cally romantic. Faithful.
As
long, that is, as Iknow
I'mcared about."
While
his wifewent
to England, he took anotherwoman,
SlimHawks,
ex-wife of directorHoward
Hawks,
toHawaii
(whichnews
devastated his wifeagain,
what
did she think hewould do
for sixmonths
alone?), and
when
his wifecame
backfrom
England, they got a divorce.Everyone
who
knew
them
at thattimeall agreedthat
Maggie
had
anarrogance ofwantingthings the
way
shewanted
them
without thinking ofor caring aboutwhat
her husband needed or wanted.He
eventuallymarriedSlim
Hawks,
who
lateralso lefthim
Why
Men
. . . GetBored
Sexually 27divorced.
He
thenmet
Pamela
Churchill,who
reallyknew
how
to loveand keep
aman
(see next paragraph).If both his wives left Leland alone so
much, you
canimagine
how
important theymust have
thought sexualpleasure for their
husband
was. This kind of arroganceand complacency
is thebottom
line towhy
somany
couples split.
Any
and
allwomen
really successfulinloverelation-ships
know
and
practice giving their lovers greatand
loving sex.
The
recently deceasedPamela
Digby
Churchill
Hay
ward
Harriman,one
ofthetwentiethcen-tury's great
paramours
(ifnotthegreatest),who
marriedthree extraordinarily successful
men, had
long-termand
intense relationships with
some
of themost
powerfulmen
in the world:Randolph
Churchill (Winston's son)whom
she married,William
Paley, Jock Whitney,Edward
R.Murrow,
John
F.Kennedy,
Aly Khan,
GianniAgnelli, Elie Rothschild, Leland
Hayward,
whom
she married,and
Averill Harriman,whom
she also married.Obviously, she
knew
theoverwhelming
power
of sex.She
alsowas
very caringand
nurturing of whateverman
shewas
with, so with great loveand even
greatersex she conquered
some
of themost
powerfulmen
ofthis century.
Whenever
there'sno
fun,no
surprise, things getbor-ing.
Think
of anymovie
that boredyou
—
you
knew
what
was
going tohappen
nextand
you
couldn't waitit
was
over.Think
of peopleyou
know who
bore you.They
repeat and repeat thesame
things over and over,you
never hearanoriginalthoughtfrom
them, andwhen
you
spot any ofthese dullards walking toward you,you
know
they're going to corneryou
and you'll betrappedand have to listen to tedious, uninteresting, obtuse,
tire-some
conversation.So you
eitherpretendyou
see some-oneyou
know
across the room,wave
andwalk
away.Or
you
talk for several minutes and then say you'regoing to get another drink, hors d'oeuvres, coffee, or
anything
you
can think of to get away.Well, that
same
boredom
iswhat
happenswhen
aman
realizes that sex with his spouse has gotten to thepoint ofputting itin,
pumping
afew
times, andcoming
into a wife
who's
evenmore
bored than he is, but atleast she just has to lie there.
He, as a male, has to first desire his wife's body, get excited, andthen ''doit."
Now
sometimeshe'ssohornyhe could
do
it to a knothole, butI'm
not talking that.I'm
talking about his normal, everyday lifewhen
heneeds mental stimulation to "get it up."
And
if thatstimulation ain't there, he's going to
go
looking for it,because sex is very important to him.
And
he might not even have togo
looking. Thereare lots of
women
out therewho
can sensewhen
aman
islooking, and
you
reallycan'tblame
herforbeingtherewhen
he needsher.Itishewho
givesout (consciouslyorWhy
Men
. . . GetBored
Sexually23
Believe
me,
when
aman
ishappy
sexually athome
and
truly satisfiedby
hisone and
only (andnot athome
alone or
on
the road alone travelling forweeks
at atime),
no
woman
can seduce him.You're
goingtofindoutwhat you
cando
toabsolutelyguarantee to
keep
him
un-boredand
sexuallystimu-lated, satisfied,
and
faithful toyou
. .2
What
Every
Man
Is
Looking For
You
can't seduce a sexually satisfiedmarriedman
you
can't breakup
a sexually exciting marriage.Everybody
is looking for thesame
thing—
to fall inlove and to stay in love.
Not
to say thatmen
are awareof this.
Men
are usually only aware of sex, sexualattractions, and sexual feelings;
most
just don'tknow
that falling in love always starts as a sexual attraction,
and the sexual pull
must
be there or he can't and won'tfall in love.
And
only if the sex (or the promise of it)is exciting for
him
will he keep the relationship goingwhich
thereby gives love a chance to happen.Now
when
aman
fallsin love, thatguaranteessexualexcitement for him.
As
long as he's in love, he'll staysexually excited and as long as he's sexually excited,
he'll stay in love.
If a wife
would
realize that anywoman
(from aWhat
EveryMan
IsLooking
For
25^a
man
and
who's
sexyand
pleases thatman, works
atit.
Any
woman
who
seduces a wife'shusband
(who
signalled that he could
be
had), focuseson
what
willmake
him
reallyhappy
sexuallyand
then she does it.Why
doesn't awoman
who
loves herhusband do
the
same
focusing?"My
wife doesn't understandme"
is not a cliche or ajoke.
She
really doesn't understandher husband's sexual needs.
It's so foolish to just
assume
(becauseyou
feel hislove) that your
husband
lovesyou
somuch
thatyou
know
he'll never leave you.What
complacency!What
arrogance!
Of
course he loves you, but ifyou
allow yourselftobecome
so complacent thatyou
gettoo sureofhim,
you
might be
surprised (shocked?) to find he'ssecretly
been
looking forsome
excitement.The
one
absolutely, positively infallibleway
tokeep
his life with
you
exciting is sexually. If you'vemade
sex so exciting to
him
thathe
can't wait tohave
you
"do"
him
again, he's not goingtobe
giving off signalsto
any
hottamalesinhisworkplacethathe'snot sexuallytied to
someone
athome.
Women
alwaysblame
the ''otherwoman,'
' butagain,you
can't seduce a sexually satisfied marriedman.
Ifyou
are a greatcook and
make
agood
breakfast forhim
every morning,whip up
great delicious dinnersevery night,
make
sure his clothes are always washed,cleaned,
and
pressed,keep
the house looking neatand
really
good
care of the kids, and lethim
alwaysknow
you
lovehim
withhugs andkisses,butlethim
getboredwith
you
sexually, you're in forsome
trouble.Of
course he loves you, he lovesyou
a lot, but he'll be vulnerable to any and all hot-looking babeswho
may
ormay
notmake
the firstmove.
If he's open forexcitement, he probably will give off the first signals
and
you
can'tblame
her for responding to his cues.If he does fool around and
you
find out about it, itwill probably be a shock to
you
and you'll feel sickabout it.
You
may
even be so upset you'll ask for adivorce.Unfaithfulnessis
many
timestheendofthetrustin a relationship and leads to the end of the marriage.
And
of course the sexmay
be so great with thewoman
he's cheating with that he's willing to giveup
everything he loves to keep the sexual excitement she
brings to
him
goingon
every day of his life.I
knew
aman
many
years agowho
travelled a lot toChicago
on
business, and onenighthe broughtawoman
he'djust
met back
to his hotel room. In the middle ofthe night the
phone
rang and thewoman,
in her sleepy haze, answered it. Itwas
theman's
wife callingfrom
New
York, and the wifewas
so shocked that shehung
up.
He
got the hotel operatorwho
said itwas
awoman
asking for him, so heknew
for sure itwas
his wife,and he
knew
for surethat his wife, a very smartcookie,What
EveryMan
IsLooking
For
27
He
called herback and
tried to tell her she got thewrong
room, but she toldhim
their marriagewas
overand
not tocome
back.She
said shewould pack
all hisbelongings
and
shipthem
wherever
he wanted, but shenever
wanted
to seehim
again.He
was
so upset heasked the
woman
to leave, he called the airline to findout the first plane the next
morning back
toNew
York, hepacked,checked
outand
went
directly totheChicago
airport.
From
the airport atdawn,
he called severalbusiness associates
and
leftmessages
saying hehad
anemergency and had
to cancel that day's appointmentsand
would
callthem
from
New
York
later that day.When
he gothome,
shehad
the chainson
all thedoors
and
wouldn't lethim
in.He
begged
her, butno
soap.
He
toldme
he got semi-hystericaland
was
physi-cally sick with remorse forhavingdone
this to his wifeand
to himself.She
toldhim
shewanted
a divorce andnever
wanted
to seehim
again.He
finallymoved
into a hotellater thatdayand
bom-barded her with
phone
calls (thiswas
before everybodyhad
answering machines).He
said hewas
so distraughthe couldn't eat or
do
business.Afterseveral
weeks
(andhelosttwenty-three pounds)she agreed to
have
dinner out withhim
to discuss thedivorce.
Because
he felt he couldn't live without her,he convinced her of his great love
and
asked her tobecause he
would
nevergo anywhere
without her.He
said that he looked so haggard and sick that she took
pity
on
him
and said shewanted
to think about it.Finally she took
him
back
and he kept hisword
andnever travelled again without her. I didn't see
him
formany
years, and then one night at a restaurant inLos
Angeles I
saw
him.He
introducedme
to his wife, arather unattractive
woman
(looks don't have an awfullot to
do
with a strong sexual hold), and they lookedvery
happy
together.The
next day he called and filledme
inon what
hadhappened
since I lastsaw
him.They
decided to change their lives totally, so they
moved
toLos
Angeles right after theywent back
together andthen sold their house.
He
said she started to pay a lotmore
attention tohim
sexually than she ever didbefore,and that their marriage got
much
stronger because ofhis one fling.
A
woman
friend of mine, married for over thirtyyears (and happily she thought),
was
looking for herhusband at a party. Told he stepped outside for
some
air, she
went
lookingforhim
and foundhim
in aparkedcarnecking with a girlfriendofhers.
She was
shattered,but because they
were
both Catholics, she forgavehim
andtried to forgetit.
She
tearfullyaskedme
why
would
he
do
thatwhen
they love each other somuch
and forso long? I considered not telling her the truth, but after
What
EveryMan
IsLooking
For
29
"Because
sex withyou had
become
so boring," Itold her.
When
I asked herwhen
was
the last time sexwas
exciting for her, she couldn't evenremember.
She
told
me
she neverhad
anorgasm
withwhat
she called"regular sex," but she proudly said she never faked it.
I asked her
what
she didand
she said shejust laid there."Boy,
thatmust
be exciting forhim,"
I said. She'dnever thought about her
boredom
boring the bejeesusout of her husband.
She
thought that just "putting itin"
was
excitingenough
for him.I told her there's gotta
btfun
in sex, thesame
kindof fun
you have
when
you
play an excitinggame
likecharades or tennis or poker.
You
never get boredwhen
you're having fun, so
when
you
make
sex fun, yourpartner will never
be
bored,and
neither will you,and
when
he's really turnedon by
you, after you've givenhim
the greatestorgasm
he'sever had, you'd beamazed
what
he'lldo
tomake
sex incredible for you!Why
aregames
fun?Because
everythingisasurprise.With
charades,you have no
ideawhat
the person isgoing to act out; with tennis,
you
don'thave
a cluewhere
youropponent
is going to hit the ball;and
withpoker (or any card
game
including solitaire),you
don'tknow
what
card iscoming
up
next. Surprises are not only fun, they're exciting.So
tomake
sex exciting, I told her she'd have tosurprise her
husband and
take charge of hisbody
reallytake charge ofit
—
and
thinkofthings thatwould
drive
him
wild and crazyand
insane inbed
(Chapter 9coming
up!).She
later toldme
hewas
shockedwhen
sheannounced
shewas
taking charge,thathebecame
totallypassiveandlether
do
whatevershewanted.The
partthatshocked her
was
thatinalltheyears oftheirmarriagehehad
always been in charge of everything in theirmar-riage and
seemed
to love it, butwhen
she took oversexually, he
went
crazy! In fact, hewanted
hertodo
itoften, that's
how much
he liked it.She
said hebegan
to relaxmore
with not having tobe
The
BigBoss
all the time.And
sexwas
definitelynot boring anymore.
She had
somuch
fun with hispassivity andhertakingcharge ofhis
body
andexcitinghim
to the point of climax and then stopping (whichreally is a sign of
POWER!)
until she decided itwas
the right time to give
him
his orgasm.Again, a
man
does not fall in love with and leavehis wife for another
woman
because she is younger orprettier than his wife. It's because she is
more
excitingthanhis wife. Itjusthappensthat she's sometimes
pret-tier
and
sometimes younger, because usually youngerpeople are
more
receptive tonew
ideas,more
willingto try
new
things, and thatmakes them
more
exciting.Married
women
often are lulled into a false sense ofWhat
EveryMan
IsLooking
For
3/never leave us."
But
the truth is she's stopped focusingon
her husband. All she talks about is the kids or localgossip or things only interesting to her, and he's bored
out ofhis skull.
And
ifwifey thought aboutit, shewould
be bored too if
hubby
talkedabout things only interestingto him.
The
reason she's not bored withhim
(and hey,she
may
be bored) is that he's living an exciting life,thinking
new
and exciting thoughts, and meeting lots ofnew
andexcitingpeople.And
oneofthose excitingpeopleis
HER.
Her
age is irrelevant to him.She
could be olderthan he, she could be his age, or she could be younger.
But she is always exciting to him. Their conversation is
exciting, she's
on
thesame
level as he, whereas wifeysometimes thinks and acts (and feels!) like he's the star
of the family and she's just a supporting player.
When
Iwas
down
in Australia in1992
withHOW
TO
SATISFY
A
WOMAN
EVERY
TIME
...and
have herbeg
for more!, I read an excerpt in amagazine
ofa
book
by Noelene
Hogan
who
was
married to PaulHogan
and
was
now
his ex-wife. Ifyou
saw
the filmCrocodile
Dundee
you
know
how
charismatic Paul is,and
hehad
fallenin love with anactress,Linda
Kozlow-ski,divorced
Noelene and
marriedLinda,who
happened
to be
younger and
more
beautiful than his wife.But
after reading part of Noelene's
book
in the magazine,I can understand
why
he left.Noelene
is very sweet,Paul
had
a habit of not introducingme
to people.I
would
stand there like a lilyon
a dirt bin andfeel totally insignificant. I
remember
the first timeI
met
Stuart Wagstoff.He
and Paulwere
chattingaway
andyourstrulywas
standingtherenothaving been introduced. I could see Stuartwas
slightlyuncomfortable but I
was
new
to all thisshow
biz,soIjuststoodquietly by. Finally Stuartsaid: ''Are
you
Mrs.Hogan?"
I lookedatthe floor andmum-bledIwas.
When
Ilookedup
againPaulandStuarthad
moved
off.Now
it might appear that Paulwas
mean
to her, butyou must
remember
thatpeople acceptyou
atyourown
evaluation. Ifa wifesees herself as a timidlittle nothing
who
hasno
value butthe love shefeels forherhusband,her
husband
isn'tgoing to value hereither. Throughouttheir marriage, he
was
the king and shewas
the serf100 percent of the time. That cannot ever work!
The
excerpt
was
fullofput-downs likeherhusband
sarcasti-cally telling her
how
pretty she looked as she scrubbedthe floors in old clothes and her hair in curlers.
At
acertain point she says
"Gone
is the timid littlehouse-wife," but alas, it's too late.
Several years ago I
went
looking for a houseboat.Ever
sinceIwas
a kidandwas
crazyaboutHuey,Dewey
and
Louie,Donald Duck's
three nephews, Idreamed
What
EveryMan
IsLooking
For
33the fun never stopped, so I thought
"when
I getgrown
up,
some
day
I'llhave
a houseboat too!"Over
the yearsI looked
and
Ieven went
to boat shows. Iwent
toone
in Australiaand
there wasn'teven one
houseboat.Hundreds
of yachtsand
sailboats, but notone
ofwhat
I
was
looking for.Then
I found outwhy.
After finding a boat dealerinthe
Yellow
Pagesand
going out toLong
Island inNew
York
to see a houseboat, the dealer said that the reasonno one
wants a houseboatanymore
is thatyou
can'tgo
anyplace
on
it. There'sno motor on
it, it's a barge witha
box
sittingon
itwhich you
live in.He
showed
me
aforty-foot
motor
yacht thatwas
like a houseboat exceptthere
were
different levels (a houseboat cabin is flat)and
you
could travelon
iton
water to almostanywhere
you
wanted.I then
changed
my
mind
and
decided amotor
yachtwould
be terrific, but I'dhave
to wait 'cause they're a lotmore
expensive.The
dealer toldme
he'd likeme
tosee just
one
more moored
at the marina, so I took alook.
Wow!
Itwas
fabulous. Fifty feet with everythinga person could ever
want on
a boat. Unfortunately Ididn't
have
enough money,
but it's definitely in thefuture.
The
fellowwho
owned
thefifty-footerwas
verywarm
and
personableand
through our several-hours visit, hetold
me
about himself.He
used to be marriedand
hasyears ago, he'dboughtthis boat (he'dloved boats since
he
was
a kid) and livedon
it ever since.He
said hehada girlfriend and he said she
was
in her thirties (hewas
in his fifties). I asked about his ex-wife, and he said
he's crazy about her and goes
down
toKey West
on
his boat to see her several times a year. I said it looks
like
you
still love her and he said yes, he loves her asa friend, and they have so
much
incommon
too, buthedoesn't
want
tobemarriedtoherbecausethewoman
he
now
dates is very sexy.I asked
him
ifhehad
a lot incommon
with hertoo,and hesaidno,hardlyanything,butthesex
was
great.He
said she didn't like boats orwater (which he obviously adored) and even
more
importantly, she didn'tlikeani-mals.
He
had
a Persian cat, Michelangelo,who
was
not only adorable but brilliant—
he taught himself to turna door
knob
with histwo
paws
and get into any of the cabins.The
owner
showed
me
by
closing the stateroomdoor and in about twenty seconds
Mikey
opened
it andwalked
in.Mikey
knew
thatthisman's
girlfriend didn'tlike cats, and one night he peed right in one of her expensive shoes.
Very
smart cat!Now
I askedhim
how
could he be with awoman
who
hates cats, boats, and water, the three things heloves the most, and he said,
"Her
lovin'makes up
foreverything."
And
it does, unfortunately (or fortunately,depending
on
your viewpoint). Millions of people getWhat
EveryMan
IsLooking
For
35
wears off, asit almostalways does because
most
peoplelet it
wear
off, they find theyhave
nothing incommon,
and go
looking for another sexual attraction.You
wouldn't take a lifetime job you're not suitedfor just because
you
love the looks of the office, butit's very similar to marrying
someone
who
turnsyou
on
but withwhom
you have
nothing else incommon.
What
you
shoulddo
is wait tillyou
findsomeone
who
has thesame
values,same
sense ofhumor,
same
likes
and
dislikes,marry
that personand
make
sure thatboth of
you
learnhow
to satisfy aman/woman
everytime
and have
him/herbeg
for more!Those
are themarriagesthatwilllastahappy
lifetime!
To make
a living, peoplework
their tails off.They
get
up
early, rush tomake
sure they're not late, spendeight hours a
day
focusingon
their duties,sometimes
stay late to finish ajob, put
up
withjob-relatedjealous-ies, back-biting, catering to the boss
—
all tomake
a buck.Now
you have
your marriage,which
is a love-job.But
few
of us ever treat it with thesame
respectwe
treat a job. In marriage,
we
usually expect (and want)the other person to
do
most
of the work. Ifwe
couldjust see
how
sillyand
foolish that is (andwe
can ifwe
compare
marriage to work),we
might
be able to focusthe
same
energieson
our relationships aswe
do on
ourjobs.
up
the kitchen/dining areaafterhe/she usesit?I've seenenough
signs arounddemanding
that slobs cleanup
ordon't
come
back!But
how
many
of us leavethekitchen/bathroom/bedroom
in amess
andexpect spouse-oto bethe servant? Don't
we
make
an effort at the office to be pleasant evenwhen
we
don't feel terrific?But
athome
we
feel free to snarl, be rude, be selfish—
thingswe
wouldn't and couldn't getaway
with at the office.Probably the third time
you
snarled at the boss, you'dbe fired, and
you
know
that, soyou
make
an effort tobe nice. That
same
effort willgo
a longway
athome.
I believe the reason so
many
married people don't value each othermore
isbecause sexbecomes
less thangreat after a
few months
and years of marriage.When
the sexual excitement goes, so does the need for sex with that person go.The
respectcomes
backwhen
theneed returns, and that happens
when
your belovedasserts his/her
power
overyou
with sex so exciting thatyou
again can't live without it.A
woman
absolutely can keep her husband faithful,keep
him
from
cattin' around, and keephim
wantingsex with her and only her throughout his life.
Would
you
ever think of cheatingon
your guy, theman
you
love and are married to, if heknew
exactlywhich
buttons to push to turnyou on
sexually? If hewere
in charge of yourbody
andyou
neverhad
to say'
'alittletotheright,honey," '