Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D.
Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D.
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The following is a summary ofThe following is a summary of the key points offered by Dr. the key points offered by Dr. Thomas Phelan in the above titledThomas Phelan in the above titled book. It may be helpful to read the enti
book. It may be helpful to read the entire book for more examples and clare book for more examples and clarification.rification.
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There are two kinds ofThere are two kinds of behavior problems parents must deal with, and they require behavior problems parents must deal with, and they require separateseparate discipline techniques.
discipline techniques.
2 kinds of behavior problems: 2 kinds of behavior problems:
--STOP behaviorsSTOP behaviors
-Things you want your child to STOP -Things you want your child to STOP doingdoing -Frequent everyday issues, minor, such as
-Frequent everyday issues, minor, such as whining, throwing tantrums, or yellingwhining, throwing tantrums, or yelling -Use 1-2-3 counting procedure
-Use 1-2-3 counting procedure --START behaviorsSTART behaviors
-Things you want your child to START -Things you want your child to START doingdoing
-Positive activities such as cleaning her room, going to
-Positive activities such as cleaning her room, going to bed, or doing homeworkbed, or doing homework -Use praise, simple requests, natural consequences, docking system, kitchen timer, -Use praise, simple requests, natural consequences, docking system, kitchen timer,
charting, or 1-2-3 counting variation charting, or 1-2-3 counting variation **An important point to remember is that
**An important point to remember is that children are not little adults!! They are not children are not little adults!! They are not rational orrational or logical, and are naturally selfish! Think of
logical, and are naturally selfish! Think of yourself as a wild animal trainer yourself as a wild animal trainer and choose a kind andand choose a kind and gentle method of discipl
gentle method of discipline and repeat it until it wine and repeat it until it works. orks. **** A key element of 1-2-3 Magic is the
A key element of 1-2-3 Magic is the ““no talking, no emotion” no talking, no emotion” rule. This means that when you rule. This means that when you are using counting as discipline, you do not talk,
are using counting as discipline, you do not talk, explain, or rationalize with your child, and youexplain, or rationalize with your child, and you do not get angry or
do not get angry or otherwise emotional during or after. This will make your otherwise emotional during or after. This will make your child think about herchild think about her behavior and take respons
behavior and take responsibility for the choices shibility for the choices she makes. This rule is essentie makes. This rule is essential to theal to the
effectiveness of 1-2-3 Magic. 90% of the time when the program does not work it is because the effectiveness of 1-2-3 Magic. 90% of the time when the program does not work it is because the parent forgot this rule.
parent forgot this rule. It is ok to
It is ok to offer one explanation if necessary, but lectures and offer one explanation if necessary, but lectures and long wordy explanations are notlong wordy explanations are not effective. Explanations often have no effect at
effective. Explanations often have no effect at all, or they may lead all, or they may lead the parent and child throughthe parent and child through what Dr. Phelan calls the
what Dr. Phelan calls the Talk-PersuadeTalk-Persuade-- Argue-Yell-Hit S Argue-Yell-Hit Syndromeyndrome: you talk, the child doesn’t: you talk, the child doesn’t respond, so you try to
respond, so you try to persuade her of your view, she persuade her of your view, she doesn’t agree or doesn’t respond so youdoesn’t agree or doesn’t respond so you argue, which leads to a
argue, which leads to a yelling match, leaving you feeling there may be yelling match, leaving you feeling there may be nothing else left fornothing else left for discipline but to hit. Also, if you get
discipline but to hit. Also, if you get emotional about a behavior, your child knows this behavioremotional about a behavior, your child knows this behavior upsets you and it is
upsets you and it is highly likely you will see it more frequently!highly likely you will see it more frequently!
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Counting STOP behaviors:
Counting STOP behaviors:
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How to use 1-2-3 Magic for STOP behaviors: How to use 1-2-3 Magic for STOP behaviors:
1. After your child misbehaves, mouths off,
1. After your child misbehaves, mouths off, or does not respond to you, or does not respond to you, calmly saycalmly say “That’s a 1”, then do not speak. Wait 5 seconds.
“That’s a 1”, then do not speak. Wait 5 seconds.
2. If behavior continues, say “That’s a 2:, then do not speak. Wait 5 more seconds. 2. If behavior continues, say “That’s a 2:, then do not speak. Wait 5 more seconds. 3. If behavior continues, say “That’s a 3. Time out”. Do not talk, argue, or get 3. If behavior continues, say “That’s a 3. Time out”. Do not talk, argue, or get
emotional. The consequence for getting a “3” could also be a time out alternative such as emotional. The consequence for getting a “3” could also be a time out alternative such as the loss of a privilege, a fine from allowance or token economy, small or large chore, the loss of a privilege, a fine from allowance or token economy, small or large chore, earlier bed time, no desert, cannot see a friend, etc. You can choose for the
earlier bed time, no desert, cannot see a friend, etc. You can choose for the child or havechild or have the child choose from a few.
the child choose from a few.
Guidelines for counting: Guidelines for counting:
-Before using 1-2-3 Magic: explain to
-Before using 1-2-3 Magic: explain to your child what the counting means and what will happenyour child what the counting means and what will happen when he misbehaves.
when he misbehaves.
-Length of Time outs: 1 minute for each year of your child’s age -Length of Time outs: 1 minute for each year of your child’s age
-Time out area: a designated area free of phone or electronic entertainment -Time out area: a designated area free of phone or electronic entertainment
-Can be the
-Can be the child’s bedroom, free of these privilegeschild’s bedroom, free of these privileges
-Can be a chair or step-but with some children this may lead to more struggle, as it -Can be a chair or step-but with some children this may lead to more struggle, as it is very tempting for some children to test parents when it is so easy to get off, or is very tempting for some children to test parents when it is so easy to get off, or only stay on by a finger, etc
only stay on by a finger, etc -After the time out is over:
-After the time out is over:
-No lecture, apologies, or discussion -No lecture, apologies, or discussion
-If this is the first time for the offense and the child really does not understand, if -If this is the first time for the offense and the child really does not understand, if
it is severe, or if you need more information about what happened such as in the it is severe, or if you need more information about what happened such as in the case of an injury,
case of an injury, then a brief and simple explanation may be then a brief and simple explanation may be given, but onlygiven, but only once
once
-Serious offenses-If the offense is too
-Serious offenses-If the offense is too serious to give 3 countsserious to give 3 counts -Say “That’s a 3. Take 10, and add 15
-Say “That’s a 3. Take 10, and add 15 for your mouth”, or whatever you feel isfor your mouth”, or whatever you feel is appropriate.
appropriate. -If it a
-If it a first offense, briefly explain your reasoning after the time first offense, briefly explain your reasoning after the time outout -If your child will not go to the time out area:
-If your child will not go to the time out area: -Child is smaller than you
-Child is smaller than you
-Move towards him and he may go on his own -Move towards him and he may go on his own -Carry him there
-Carry him there -Child is bigger than you -Child is bigger than you
-Move towards him and he may go on his own -Move towards him and he may go on his own
-Tell him he can go to time out or take a time out alternative -Tell him he can go to time out or take a time out alternative
-You can choose the alternative, or let him pick for a few -You can choose the alternative, or let him pick for a few
-If you need a break and the child is still in the room, walk out, or -If you need a break and the child is still in the room, walk out, or
sit in silence.
sit in silence. No discussion!!!No discussion!!! -If your child counts back to
-If your child counts back to you:you: -Ignore it or count the -Ignore it or count the childchild -Don’t let this throw you off,
-Don’t let this throw you off, you are the parent ayou are the parent and the child has no authority.nd the child has no authority. -Hold the counts:
-Hold the counts:
-15-30 minutes for small children -15-30 minutes for small children -Up to several hours for
-Up to several hours for older childrenolder children
-Example: your 4 year old gets a 1 for mouthing off, and 15 minutes later gets a 2 for -Example: your 4 year old gets a 1 for mouthing off, and 15 minutes later gets a 2 for
coloring on the walls, but does well
coloring on the walls, but does well until 5 hours later, you would start back at until 5 hours later, you would start back at 11 again.
again.
-Saying goodbye: If your child has fits or tantrums when you drop her off at school or at a -Saying goodbye: If your child has fits or tantrums when you drop her off at school or at a
caregiver’s caregiver’s
-Kiss her goodbye, tell her when
-Kiss her goodbye, tell her when you’ll be back, and leaveyou’ll be back, and leave -The longer you stay, the worse it will get
-The longer you stay, the worse it will get -Count different
-Count different behaviors:behaviors:
-Your child could get a 1 for not sharing, a two for not doing a chore, and a three -Your child could get a 1 for not sharing, a two for not doing a chore, and a three
for yelling at you for yelling at you
-Parents or caregivers can count together: -Parents or caregivers can count together:
-You give the child a one, your partner gives the child a two, etc -You give the child a one, your partner gives the child a two, etc -Ignore minor behaviors if you choose:
-Ignore minor behaviors if you choose: -Do not ignore anything for the first
-Do not ignore anything for the first 7-10 days, as the child is 7-10 days, as the child is getting used to thegetting used to the program and needs to know y
program and needs to know you are seriousou are serious -Sometimes if you just watch the
-Sometimes if you just watch the child do something that you would usually count, hechild do something that you would usually count, he will stop because he has internalized the r
will stop because he has internalized the rules and knows you will count himules and knows you will count him -When you have company: follow the program as
-When you have company: follow the program as normal or your child will remember normal or your child will remember that youthat you won’t follow through in front of friends or
won’t follow through in front of friends or relativesrelatives
-If your child will not leave his room after the time out: be sure he is aware his time is up, a -If your child will not leave his room after the time out: be sure he is aware his time is up, a nd letnd let
him stay in his room for as long as he wants to him stay in his room for as long as he wants to -Misbehavior while you are on the
-Misbehavior while you are on the phone:phone: -They will do this because they fe
-They will do this because they feel like you are hostage while el like you are hostage while on the phoneon the phone -Count them with your fingers
-Count them with your fingers
-Say excuse me and count them out loud -Say excuse me and count them out loud
-Explain that you need to go for a few minutes and will call back -Explain that you need to go for a few minutes and will call back -Preserve your child’s self-esteem: If you count
-Preserve your child’s self-esteem: If you count using 1-2-3 magic, your child’s self-esteemusing 1-2-3 magic, your child’s self-esteem should not be hurt, but it
should not be hurt, but it may be damaged by may be damaged by yelling, name-calling, arguing, or hittingyelling, name-calling, arguing, or hitting -“Room-wreckers”: if your child destroys his room during a
-“Room-wreckers”: if your child destroys his room during a time outtime out -You may ignore it
-You may ignore it and allow the child to live with the and allow the child to live with the natural consequences of notnatural consequences of not being able to find cloth
being able to find clothes, toys, or have a calm private place to enes, toys, or have a calm private place to enjoy himselfjoy himself -Then, without lectures or emotion, help the
-Then, without lectures or emotion, help the child clean up the room another daychild clean up the room another day -If you think you have a potential “room-wrecker” make sure the area is safe -If you think you have a potential “room-wrecker” make sure the area is safe
before you need to use it as a tim before you need to use it as a time oute out -Apology: You may require your child to a
-Apology: You may require your child to apologize after the time out, but this would bepologize after the time out, but this would be punishment rather than a si
punishment rather than a sincere and compassionate responncere and compassionate response. If you want your child tose. If you want your child to apologize, be sure you are
apologize, be sure you are not asking your child to lie.not asking your child to lie. -STOP behaviors in public: Count calmly as you
-STOP behaviors in public: Count calmly as you would at homewould at home
-There is always a room or place you can take your child for a time-out in public -There is always a room or place you can take your child for a time-out in public
such as the car, the corner of a
such as the car, the corner of a store, a restroom, etc, or you can count and themstore, a restroom, etc, or you can count and them issue a time-out alternative to be served while in public (loss of a treat) or at issue a time-out alternative to be served while in public (loss of a treat) or at home (loss of TV)
home (loss of TV)
-You can prepare your child before the outing for what will happen if they get a 3 -You can prepare your child before the outing for what will happen if they get a 3 -Plan for car rides, and use time out alternatives for behaviors that occur while in -Plan for car rides, and use time out alternatives for behaviors that occur while in
the car, or pull off the road and serve the time out the car, or pull off the road and serve the time out
-Sibling rivalry: If siblings are fighting count both children unless you know exactly what -Sibling rivalry: If siblings are fighting count both children unless you know exactly what
happened happened
-Tantrum after you give a time out: -Tantrum after you give a time out:
-Children 4+ let the timeout begin
-Children 4+ let the timeout begin when the child stops tantrumwhen the child stops tantrum -Children 3-
-Children 3- begin the time out but do not talk to the child until he stops the tantrumbegin the time out but do not talk to the child until he stops the tantrum -Pouting is a passive behavior to make
-Pouting is a passive behavior to make you feel guiltyyou feel guilty -Ignore it and walk away
-Ignore it and walk away -If the child uses
-If the child uses “aggressive pouting”, such as following you all over the house“aggressive pouting”, such as following you all over the house so you don’t miss it, you
so you don’t miss it, you should count the poutingshould count the pouting
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6 kinds of testing and manipulation:6 kinds of testing and manipulation:
1. Badgering: “Please, Please, Please” or “Why? Why? Why?” 1. Badgering: “Please, Please, Please” or “Why? Why? Why?” -Basic message “Give me what I want and I’ll shut up.” -Basic message “Give me what I want and I’ll shut up.” 2. Temper (intimidation): child throws herself on floor, screams, 2. Temper (intimidation): child throws herself on floor, screams, kickskicks
-Tantrums are prolonged if the child
-Tantrums are prolonged if the child has an audience, the parent does has an audience, the parent does not knownot know what to do, or
3. Threat: “I’ll run away” “I’ll never speak to you again” 3. Threat: “I’ll run away” “I’ll never speak to you again”
-Basic message: “Something bad will happen unless I
-Basic message: “Something bad will happen unless I get what I want now”get what I want now” 4. Martyrdom: “No one her loves me” “I never get anything”
4. Martyrdom: “No one her loves me” “I never get anything”
-Basic message “I am hurt and deprived, and you care about me so you’ll give -Basic message “I am hurt and deprived, and you care about me so you’ll give me what I want to make it better”
me what I want to make it better” 5. Butter up: “You’re the
5. Butter up: “You’re the prettiest mom in the whole world”, promises, apologiesprettiest mom in the whole world”, promises, apologies
-“If I make you feel good you won’t want to upset me and lose that good feeling” -“If I make you feel good you won’t want to upset me and lose that good feeling” 6. Physical tactics: physically attack adult, break something, run away
6. Physical tactics: physically attack adult, break something, run away
-If physically aggressive behavior occurs past the age of 4 or 5 when the child -If physically aggressive behavior occurs past the age of 4 or 5 when the child has good communications skills, the child may need professional help for has good communications skills, the child may need professional help for thisthis -All are STOP behaviors (except buttering up)
-All are STOP behaviors (except buttering up) and should be counted-in the beginning things mayand should be counted-in the beginning things may get worse, and the
get worse, and the child will also switch tactics to see if child will also switch tactics to see if any of them work on any of them work on youyou -Testing is a purposeful behavior that occurs when a
-Testing is a purposeful behavior that occurs when a child is frustrated, and is designed to getchild is frustrated, and is designed to get what the child wants, or to get revenge is he cannot get what he wants
what the child wants, or to get revenge is he cannot get what he wants -If your child only uses one
-If your child only uses one method of testing or manipulation, she is doing it method of testing or manipulation, she is doing it because ITbecause IT WORKS!
WORKS!
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The Major/Minor System: The Major/Minor System:
-The major/minor system a simple punishment system used to
-The major/minor system a simple punishment system used to handle more serious offenses thathandle more serious offenses that are repeated or too serious to be counted. You come up with a list of consequences for are repeated or too serious to be counted. You come up with a list of consequences for major and minor offenses, and
major and minor offenses, and when an incident that is too serious to when an incident that is too serious to count occurs,count occurs, choose from your list. The following are
choose from your list. The following are examples of possible major and minorexamples of possible major and minor consequences:
consequences: -Major: -Major:
-Grounding-2 weeks restriction to room, no TV or electronic entertainment -Grounding-2 weeks restriction to room, no TV or electronic entertainment -Fines-$25 or double the value of stolen or
-Fines-$25 or double the value of stolen or damaged articlesdamaged articles -Chores-15 hours of house or yard
-Chores-15 hours of house or yard workwork
-Community service-15 hours volunteer work in
-Community service-15 hours volunteer work in communitycommunity -Educational activity-8 page research paper
-Educational activity-8 page research paper -Minor:
-Minor:
-Grounding-2 days restriction to room without
-Grounding-2 days restriction to room without electronicselectronics -Fine-$5 or double the value of
-Fine-$5 or double the value of stolen or damaged articlesstolen or damaged articles -Chores-4 hours
-Chores-4 hours
-Community service-4 hours -Community service-4 hours
-Educational activity-2 page research paper -Educational activity-2 page research paper
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Encouraging START behaviors
Encouraging START behaviors
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Once you begin using 1-2-3 Magic, useOnce you begin using 1-2-3 Magic, use counting for the first 10 days to counting for the first 10 days to diminish STOP behaviorsdiminish STOP behaviors before tackling START behav
before tackling START behaviors.iors.
7 strategies to encourage good behavior 7 strategies to encourage good behavior
-Positive reinforcement: -Positive reinforcement:
-“Thanks for doing the dishes!” -“Thanks for doing the dishes!” -Praise in front of other people -Praise in front of other people -Give praise in unexpected situation -Give praise in unexpected situation -Children should receive 2 or 3
-Decide to give your children 5
-Decide to give your children 5 positive comments a day-can also be used positive comments a day-can also be used with otherwith other loved ones
loved ones Simple requests:
Simple requests:
-State request in a matter-of-fact tone of voice -State request in a matter-of-fact tone of voice -Don’t use “we” statements for
-Don’t use “we” statements for action you want your child to take: action you want your child to take: “Don’t we think it’s“Don’t we think it’s time to start our homework?”. Instead
time to start our homework?”. Instead you could say: “I want your homeworkyou could say: “I want your homework done by supper at 5 o’clock”.
done by supper at 5 o’clock”. -Try to structure chores so
-Try to structure chores so that spontaneous requests are seldom necessary; kids are morethat spontaneous requests are seldom necessary; kids are more likely to comply when they are
likely to comply when they are not interrupted by spur of the moment unpleasantnot interrupted by spur of the moment unpleasant tasks
tasks
-If your child does not
-If your child does not follow through with a simple request that it asked follow through with a simple request that it asked in a matter ofin a matter of fact manner, use another
fact manner, use another strategy, including counting if appropriatestrategy, including counting if appropriate -For example, you tell
-For example, you tell your child to change his school clothes before playing outside. Hisyour child to change his school clothes before playing outside. His friend calls him out to play a
friend calls him out to play and he goes to the nd he goes to the door without changing his clothes.door without changing his clothes. Your child did not follow your request, so
Your child did not follow your request, so you could use a timer, you could use a timer, dock, allowdock, allow natural consequences, or count since this is a
natural consequences, or count since this is a brief behavior.brief behavior. -Kitchen timers:
-Kitchen timers:
-This creates “child against machine (timer)” rather
-This creates “child against machine (timer)” rather than “child against parent”than “child against parent” -Timers are not testable, and
-Timers are not testable, and cannot be emotionally manipulatedcannot be emotionally manipulated -Can be used as part of a
-Can be used as part of a routine such asroutine such as
-brushing teeth “can you brush your teeth for
-brushing teeth “can you brush your teeth for 2 minutes until the timer goes off?”2 minutes until the timer goes off?” -getting ready for bed “You have 10 minutes until it is time to get ready for bed” -getting ready for bed “You have 10 minutes until it is time to get ready for bed” -Can be used to
-Can be used to lessen the blow of spontaneous requests “I would like your lessen the blow of spontaneous requests “I would like your coat andcoat and backpack hung up and the toy
backpack hung up and the toy on the floor put away. I am setting thon the floor put away. I am setting the timer for 7e timer for 7 minutes. Do you think you can beat
minutes. Do you think you can beat it?”it?” -The docking system:
-The docking system:
-The basic principle is that if
-The basic principle is that if your child doesn’t do the work, you’ll do it your child doesn’t do the work, you’ll do it for him, andfor him, and he’ll pay you
he’ll pay you
-Appropriate for kindergarten age and above -Appropriate for kindergarten age and above
-Requires your child has a source of income such as allowance -Requires your child has a source of income such as allowance -To begin, explain to your c
-To begin, explain to your child how much allowanchild how much allowance he will be given each week, e he will be given each week, whatwhat chores are expected to be
chores are expected to be done and when and how they should be done and when and how they should be done, and whatdone, and what the fee will be if you have to do the chore yourself
the fee will be if you have to do the chore yourself
-If money does not seem to motivate your child, use another privilege such as TV time, or -If money does not seem to motivate your child, use another privilege such as TV time, or
the use of a toy the use of a toy -Natural consequences:
-Natural consequences:
-Let the world teach the
-Let the world teach the child by letting him experience what naturally happens as achild by letting him experience what naturally happens as a result of his choices
result of his choices
-If your child does not want to wear her jacket in the winter, let the cold teach her that she -If your child does not want to wear her jacket in the winter, let the cold teach her that she
should wear her jacket should wear her jacket
-If your preschooler repeatedly will not get
-If your preschooler repeatedly will not get dressed in the morning, send him to dressed in the morning, send him to school Inschool In his pajamas
his pajamas
-If after several tries, this method does not work for your child, move on to another start -If after several tries, this method does not work for your child, move on to another start
tactic tactic
-Remember: it is better for the child to learn from small mistakes early in life than from -Remember: it is better for the child to learn from small mistakes early in life than from
larger mistakes later in life larger mistakes later in life
-Charting: -Charting:
-Use a calendar-like form to
-Use a calendar-like form to keep track of how keep track of how well your child is doing with specific startwell your child is doing with specific start behaviors
behaviors -If your child completes -If your child completes
the task, put a the task, put a sticker on the sticker on the chart
chart
(ages 4-9), or a grade or other mark for
(ages 4-9), or a grade or other mark for older kidsolder kids -Positive reinforcement comes from the chart itself,
-Positive reinforcement comes from the chart itself, from parental praise, and thefrom parental praise, and the satisfaction of doing a good job (called natural reinforcers)
satisfaction of doing a good job (called natural reinforcers) -Often, children need artificial reinforcers, meaning they will earn
-Often, children need artificial reinforcers, meaning they will earn a reward fora reward for completing the chart
completing the chart
-For small children artificial reinforcers should be small
-For small children artificial reinforcers should be small things given often, while olderthings given often, while older children may do better with larger items
children may do better with larger items that take longer to earnthat take longer to earn
-Some possible artificial reinforcers include small toys, money, staying up past
-Some possible artificial reinforcers include small toys, money, staying up past bed time,bed time, a trip for ice cream, renting a game or
a trip for ice cream, renting a game or movie, a sleepover, and outing with amovie, a sleepover, and outing with a parent, a snack of choice, a card or other item for a coll
parent, a snack of choice, a card or other item for a collection, comic book orection, comic book or magazine, a “no chore” voucher, making and eating cookies, etc
magazine, a “no chore” voucher, making and eating cookies, etc -Counting for brief start behavior:
-Counting for brief start behavior:
-Counting for start behavior can be
-Counting for start behavior can be used only if the behavior will not take used only if the behavior will not take more than 2more than 2 minutes to compete
minutes to compete
-If your child throws her coat on the floor and you immediately ask her to pick it up. You -If your child throws her coat on the floor and you immediately ask her to pick it up. You
say “that’s 1” and continue with counting and
say “that’s 1” and continue with counting and a time out if necessary. a time out if necessary. If she doesIf she does not pick up the coat when you ask her after the time out, another time out would not pick up the coat when you ask her after the time out, another time out would follow.
follow.
Specific start behaviors Specific start behaviors
-Up and out in
-Up and out in the morning:the morning:
-For 2-8 year olds, you can use charting, alone, or along with a timer to get each task -For 2-8 year olds, you can use charting, alone, or along with a timer to get each task
completed completed -For 9 and
-For 9 and up, see that the child has up, see that the child has the skills or items he needs the skills or items he needs to accomplish morningto accomplish morning tasks on his own such as an alarm clock or knows how to prepare breakfast, and tasks on his own such as an alarm clock or knows how to prepare breakfast, and then use natural consequences; explain that you will not be
then use natural consequences; explain that you will not be waking the child upwaking the child up more than once or
more than once or nagging, and that consequences will occur if he nagging, and that consequences will occur if he gets to schoolgets to school late or doesn’t eat breakfast-your child may not
late or doesn’t eat breakfast-your child may not believe you but will find outbelieve you but will find out quickly that you are serious
quickly that you are serious -Other start tactics may also be used -Other start tactics may also be used -Cleaning bedroom:
-Cleaning bedroom:
-You can close the door
-You can close the door and ignore it (and use and ignore it (and use any start technique to deal with dirtyany start technique to deal with dirty laundry and dirty dishes in a messy r
laundry and dirty dishes in a messy room)oom) -Create a weekly cleanup routine
-Create a weekly cleanup routine
-Use a daily chart and check the room at the same time each
-Use a daily chart and check the room at the same time each day (this may be unrealisticday (this may be unrealistic so be nice and offer lots of praise)
so be nice and offer lots of praise) -Picking up:
-Picking up:
-Use a kitchen timer or
-Use a kitchen timer or dockingdocking
-Garbage bag method-inform your kids of what
-Garbage bag method-inform your kids of what time each day their things need time each day their things need to beto be picked up, and that if they are not, th
picked up, and that if they are not, they will go in the bag and they will go in the bag and they won’t getey won’t get them back until the same time the next day
them back until the same time the next day -Chores:
-Chores:
-Praise your child whenever she helps out -Praise your child whenever she helps out -When your child is 5
-When your child is 5 or 6, divide up family cor 6, divide up family chores so they are not hores so they are not spontaneous requestsspontaneous requests -Use charting or docking
-Use charting or docking
Sun. Mon. Tues. Wed. Th. Fri. Sat. Sun. Mon. Tues. Wed. Th. Fri. Sat. Clean room Clean room Feed cat Feed cat Set table Set table
-Pet care-do not use
-Pet care-do not use natural consequences as not caring for the pet natural consequences as not caring for the pet is not an option, butis not an option, but other start strategies will work
other start strategies will work -Mealtime:
-Mealtime:
-Use small portions and a
-Use small portions and a kitchen timer-tell the child he has 20 kitchen timer-tell the child he has 20 minutes to finish his meal,minutes to finish his meal, and if he does not it goes in the kitchen for half an hour, and then can be re
and if he does not it goes in the kitchen for half an hour, and then can be re heatedheated and tried again-the child does not get
and tried again-the child does not get dessert if he does not eat dessert if he does not eat the food-if thethe food-if the child whines, count it
child whines, count it
-3 out of 4-allow your child to eat 3 of the 4 food items on her plate-if she doesn’t she -3 out of 4-allow your child to eat 3 of the 4 food items on her plate-if she doesn’t she
won’t get anything else to eat
won’t get anything else to eat before bed, and that will be before bed, and that will be learning throughlearning through natural consequences
natural consequences
-Divide and conquer-let the children occasionally eat before you, e
-Divide and conquer-let the children occasionally eat before you, e at what they want, orat what they want, or eat by the TV if they bring back the dishes-sometimes the break is nice for eat by the TV if they bring back the dishes-sometimes the break is nice for everyone
everyone -Homework:
-Homework: -Make it a
-Make it a part of a part of a daily routine in order to avoid spontaneous requestsdaily routine in order to avoid spontaneous requests -Use natural consequences (if homework trouble goes on for
-Use natural consequences (if homework trouble goes on for long periods of time, youlong periods of time, you need to look closer at why your child has such a hard time with it)
need to look closer at why your child has such a hard time with it) -Use an assignment book that the teacher
-Use an assignment book that the teacher completes or that the child completes and thecompletes or that the child completes and the teacher signs, and then follow through by checking that all the
teacher signs, and then follow through by checking that all the work is completedwork is completed -PNP-positive-neg
-PNP-positive-negative-positive-when your child first brings homework to ative-positive-when your child first brings homework to you, make ayou, make a positive comment, then, if necessa
positive comment, then, if necessary, a negative, and then another posry, a negative, and then another positive-thisitive-this approach will keep the child coming back
approach will keep the child coming back -Rough checkout-set a threshold, such as 80
-Rough checkout-set a threshold, such as 80 or 90 percent, and if or 90 percent, and if your child’s work meetsyour child’s work meets that criteria of being done and
that criteria of being done and neat, call it good-this may be neat, call it good-this may be unacceptable forunacceptable for some parents, but for many it can be a major improvement in family life in the some parents, but for many it can be a major improvement in family life in the evenings
evenings
-Charting-use a point system, such as 1 point each for being neat, complete, correct, no -Charting-use a point system, such as 1 point each for being neat, complete, correct, no
complaining, and staring on her own complaining, and staring on her own -Bedtime:
-Bedtime:
-Set and stick to a bedtime -Set and stick to a bedtime
-If your child gets out of bed, calmly put him back in bed, and sit by the door facing away -If your child gets out of bed, calmly put him back in bed, and sit by the door facing away
from the child and not talking, and keep putting him back in bed-in a week or from the child and not talking, and keep putting him back in bed-in a week or two, your child should stay in bed
two, your child should stay in bed on his own-if the child is too on his own-if the child is too big to carry,big to carry, guide him by the arm
guide him by the arm
-Remember that the longer the child is out of bed and the longer he stays up, the more -Remember that the longer the child is out of bed and the longer he stays up, the more
reinforcement he gets, and the more he will get out and stay out of bed reinforcement he gets, and the more he will get out and stay out of bed -If the child is not ready for bed, you can put her in her bed
-If the child is not ready for bed, you can put her in her bed in her clothes without shoes,in her clothes without shoes, or put her in her pajamas if she is 2 or
or put her in her pajamas if she is 2 or 33 -Nighttime waking:
-Nighttime waking:
-Some nighttime waking is normal -Some nighttime waking is normal -No talking not emotion
-No talking not emotion
-Assume the child may have to go to the bathroom -Assume the child may have to go to the bathroom -Be gentle and quiet
-Be gentle and quiet -No lights
-No lights
-Don’t go in the c
-Don’t go in the child’s room unless you have tohild’s room unless you have to -Don’t let your child sleep with you
-Don’t let your child sleep with you on a regular basison a regular basis
-Using a floor fan or small fan set on a dresser or table (not blowing on the child) helps -Using a floor fan or small fan set on a dresser or table (not blowing on the child) helps
some children sleep by creating white noise that
No talking no emotion rule revisited No talking no emotion rule revisited
-There are some a
-There are some appropriate times to talk and explain, but also inappropriate times,ppropriate times to talk and explain, but also inappropriate times, -Do not talk and explain while you
-Do not talk and explain while you are enforcing the rule:are enforcing the rule: -It is not a good learning moment for your child -It is not a good learning moment for your child -Explaining at this time
-Explaining at this time encourages arguingencourages arguing -Your child is not open to
-Your child is not open to your thoughts and ideas while being disciplinedyour thoughts and ideas while being disciplined -You should explain something right away
-You should explain something right away
-If it is a new, unusual, or dangerous behavior -If it is a new, unusual, or dangerous behavior -Swearing or hitting is another time when
-Swearing or hitting is another time when you should explainyou should explain -Remember to keep the talk short and to the point
-Remember to keep the talk short and to the point -Before explaining, it may be
-Before explaining, it may be wise for you to ask your wise for you to ask your child some questions to help him think thechild some questions to help him think the problem through. With a calm child a
problem through. With a calm child and calm adult, this wilnd calm adult, this will help the child remember thel help the child remember the lesson better. Questions followed by a
lesson better. Questions followed by a brief brief explanation can be an explanation can be an effective teachingeffective teaching strategy. You can ask questions like:
strategy. You can ask questions like:
-What would happen if you did that? -What would happen if you did that? -Why do you think I want
-Why do you think I want you to do your homework?you to do your homework? -Why is it bad to
-Why is it bad to push someone?push someone?
-How did you feel when I said that to you? -How did you feel when I said that to you? -Remember that it takes
-Remember that it takes children a while to learn how to children a while to learn how to avoid stop behaviors and complete startavoid stop behaviors and complete start behaviors, so be patient and
behaviors, so be patient and realistic. The child needs inrealistic. The child needs insight into the behaviosight into the behavior, but alsor, but also practice to change it.
practice to change it.
In addition to explanations, children learn through In addition to explanations, children learn through
-Parental modeling -Parental modeling
-Behavior modeling by other
-Behavior modeling by other children and siblingschildren and siblings -Watching TV, books, and music
-Watching TV, books, and music -Praise that follows good behavior -Praise that follows good behavior
-Counting that follows obnoxious behavior -Counting that follows obnoxious behavior
-Adult’s comment’s about the behavior of other children and -Adult’s comment’s about the behavior of other children and adultsadults -Behavioral experimentation-try
-Behavioral experimentation-trying out something and ing out something and seeing what happensseeing what happens -And more!!
-And more!!
Your child’s self-esteem Your child’s self-esteem
-Healthy self-esteem is built on 4 el
-Healthy self-esteem is built on 4 elements:ements: -Good relationships with other people -Good relationships with other people -Competence in work and self-management -Competence in work and self-management -Physical skills and caring for one’s body -Physical skills and caring for one’s body
-Character-courage, effort, following the rules, and concern f
-Character-courage, effort, following the rules, and concern f or othersor others These skills take practice for parents as
These skills take practice for parents as well as children. If you well as children. If you make a mistake, simply say youmake a mistake, simply say you forgot the rules and you need
forgot the rules and you need to start over, or to start over, or that you’ll do better next time, and that you’ll do better next time, and then followthen follow through! If you have questions or want
