PROCEEDINGS
DISCIPLINE
John F. Kenward, M.D.
Departments of Pedwtrics and Psychiatry, University of Chicago School of Medicine
F
@ THE PRESENTand future happiness of
the child, and certainly for the well being of those about him, the child must learn some obedience. The majority of par ents know this, but from time to time may be discouraged and doubtful about their program of discipline. The pediatrician can do a great deal to help. In usual pediatric practice he can do, and does, much to pre serve and create optimal conditions for dis cipline. With parents who are doubtful and unsure, he can counsel, guide and support them in establishing and carrying out a con sistent program. When difficulties arise, he often can detect the cause and either cor rect it, or refer the family for more intensive treatment. Since discipline is primarily a family duty and privilege, he should not dictate policy or program, but he can help the parents see the need for obedience and how to achieve it.
Learning obedience does not mean that subjugation to an authority is a final end in itself. On the contrary, it is a means to an end. Good discipline, by helping the child to learn obec@ience, protects the child from dangers within and without, relieves him of the burden of making decisions for which he is not ready, and allows him to develop independence of thought and action within a secure framework. Good discipline does not have as its primary purpose the comfort of adults, although this is a secondary gain. It does not intend to make conformity a way of life and “¿adjustment―mandatory. Indeed, it should prepare for individuality and the ability to reject unreasonable au thority, if necessary. The purposes of disci pline should be to guide the child to live en
joyably with himself and with others, and to enable him during adult life to reach his maximum capacity to work and love. To achieve this, the parents must teach reality, must help the child channel his wishes and desires, and must continue to be the au thorities until the child is prepared to govern himself. They should be qualified to know what is best for the child and should have the good sense and courage to use their authority.
The child who has learned obedience to necessary and reasonable rules is a much happier and secure child. Most parents rather rapidly teach the child rules to pro tect him from physical danger, but some fail to teach behavior which will protect him from emotional hurt and social rejec lion. A selfish, self-willed, obnoxious child may be tolerated but he is not liked. If he is constantly indulged, if he is consistently made the center of attention, and if he is allowed to control most situations at home, he will learn reality the hard way when he goes to school and meets outsiders.
Fortunately many children quickly adapt to school situations, if the teacher makes the rules clear and definite. Others, however, feel rejected, puzzled, and anxious. Some persist in trying to obtain at school the same status they have at home. Preoccupied with this struggle, the child cannot give his attention to academic learning. Plagued with disciplinary problems, the teacher can not teach. The school can, and should, sup plement discipline, but it should not have to introduce it.
Discipline, then, should begin at home and should have immediate and long range
This paper was presented before the Annual Meeting of the American Academy of Pediatrics, October
7, 1959.
ADDRESS: Bobs Roberts Hospital, 920 E. 59th Street, Chicago 37, Illinois.
develop the necessary and valuable ca pacity to postpone gratifications. There is even some speculation that allowing the infant to “¿stewin his own cooling juices― for a short period helps him develop control of urinary sphincters.1 Actually, “¿optimal frustration,― or facing the child with giving up a gratification when he is capable and ready to do so, is necessary for normal men tal growth and development. The task of discipline is to show the child that giving
up present gratification can lead to greater
satisfaction in the future.
Disciplinary problems often are aggra
vated by the parents' attitude toward the
child's impulses, wishes and desires. Some
parents feel that the child's impulses and
consequent behavior will be outgrown and need no external controls. It is true that certain unsatisfactory behavior which is common for a particular age group usually improves when the child masters a current conflict. However, relaxed vigilance and guidance may be necessary to insure this result. For example, the tantrums of a young child diminish and disappear as his dependency-independency struggle sub sides, as he becomes more confident of his identity, and as he is helped to accept the rights of others. During this learning proc ess, parental restriction and guidance are important. Punishment is not desirable, but the parents must not be intimidated by the tantrum. If the child learns that he can get what he wants by violence, he will continue to develop that technique. Some parents, on the other hand, view the impulses and behavior as dangerous and requiring rigid control. If rigid control fails, the child be comes resentful and rebellious. If it suc ceeds, the child becomes dependent and in hibited.
The parents' task is easier, if they can be lieve that the child has a basic drive to mature and they can accept his impulses as normal and not evil. They then can guide him toward gratification compatible with reality, being neither too lenient and per massive nor too harsh and rigid.
Since society has rather vague and con tradictory standards, the parents must de value. It should protect and help the child
with current situations as well as prepare the child to adapt to any situation in the future. Training methods should leave as little unconscious conflict as possible so that performance and intellectual activity can be governed by reason and not by inhibiting unconscious processes.
Many factors, which customarily are not associated with discipline, play a signfficant role in the training of the child. For ex
ample, experiences in the first months of
life set the stage for later disciplinary meas ures. If the baby feels well fed and corn fortable with his mother, he is well on the way to becoming an optimistic and co operative child. On the other hand, if the feeding period is not satisfactory because of illness or emotional factors, the child may become pessimistic and more difficult to manage. Success with the feeding situation during the first year prepares the way for an easy toilet-training period. Success with toilet training encourages the later devel oprnent of a true give and take relationship with people.
Emotional growth is enhanced and many disciplinary problems avoided when the
optimal time for instituting an activity is
chosen. The child should neither be pushed prematurely nor held back in learning new skills. Allowing the child to advance when he is physically and emotionally ready in creases his sense of confidence and mastery. He becomes willing to try new adventures. Thus, if gratification has been adequate, he is willing to accept inevitable frustration and looks with hope to equal gratification in the next stage.
Overindulgence or interference with nor mal frustration may delay development. For example, prolonged sucking activity and failing to wean may interfere with toilet
training. Some parents are so anxious
cide what rules and regulations they wish to teach, and this may not be easy. One of the major problems many parents have in discipline is deciding what they want the child to do. Yet definite convictions based on love of the child are emphasized because,
if discipline is based primarily on the par
ents' own personal interests and their fear of criticism, the results will not be good. Given normal early experiences, the child wants to be like his parents and really wants to do what they want him to. He has a great desire for their approval and fears the loss of it. The parents, then, initially have a powerful force working for them. Working against the wish to please the par ents are the child's self-centered impulses. The problem is to guide these so that both parents and child are satisfied.
Many factors are at work to undermine the convictions and decisions of the parents; indecision wrecks discipline. The child has an amazing ability to know when the par ents are not sure. When he senses unsure ness on the parents' part, he has hope of success and presses to get what he wants. In effect he thinks: “¿Ifyou don't know what you want, I do.―Once the child has hope of success and is committed to a wish or de sire, he is more difficult to handle.
Discipline is much easier if the parents have agreed upon certain rules and so can be definite from the start and mean what they say. But often they have a conflict with themselves and each other. For example, a mother, feeling that the children watch too much television, may nag and complain to husband and children. The children effec tively ignore her because they know that she really is rather happy that they are oc cupied and out from underfoot. Moreover, often father wants to watch with them. Be side the conflict of interest, this example suggests two other points. First, nagging and complaining are worse than useless dis ciplinary techniques. Second, little success can be expected unless mother and father can agree on rules and present a united front.
Consistency is inherent in effective disci pline, but if the child knows that the par
ents mean what they say, it can be relaxed for special occasions without ill effect. The parents' attitude is far more important than the rule itself. Allowing a child to stay up past his usual bedtime for a special event need not weaken the parents' authority. If they have no doubts about future bedtimes, the child will know this is a special occa sion.
Along with knowing what they want, the parents should be confident of eventual suc cess. It may take time, but if they can be firm and persistent, they will succeed. Some times they are doing the right thing, but give up too soon. At times what they are trying to teach does not sink in for months. Then all of a sudden it takes hold with a vengeance. One mother had been trying to get her small son to stop wearing dirty blue jeans. When, suddenly, he wanted clean pants every day, she somewhat regretted her success.
the stocking cap or the fur one today?― Sometimes the boy will become so preoccu pied in making this decision he forgets to argue. As the child demonstrates judgment, he can be given more and more free choice.
During the period between approximately the ages of 3 and 8 years, children may show signs of a different internal struggle. They may become quite changeable emotionally. One minute they act very affectionate toward the parent of the opposite sex and the next minute behave rejected. Toward the parent of the same sex, they may act fearful or hostile. A boy may burst into tears and act whipped if father just looks gruff. A girl, without provocation or warning, may become very angry with mother. What has happened is that rcmance has been added to the dependency-independency struggle. The boy wants to have mother all to him self but is afraid father will be angry. More over, although he wants father out of the way, he admires and needs him too. The girl is in a similar dilemma about mother. In handling the situation the parents need tolerance and understanding. Outbursts of
“¿Ihate you―and “¿Iwish you were dead―
become much less dreadful and upsetting if the parents understand the conflict and real ize that the child, although acting contrary, has a great need and love for both parents. It does no good to meet hostility with hostility and become extremely perturbed. It is better to take the negative feelings as calmly as possible, and try to foster the positive. Father can allay his son's anxiety and strengthen the boy's wish to identify with him by encouraging masculine activi ties together. Mother can encourage her daughter's interest in the feminine world. In addition, by making it clear that they love one another and are solidly together, the parents help the child realize the futility of his competitive strivings. By refusing to allow the child to sleep with them, and by maintaining privacy in the bathroom, the parents do a great deal to diminish the child's conflict. Given no encouragement, a boy abandons his original hope of driving a wedge between his parents and saves face
by deciding he can have a girl of his own in the future. He now can turn his attention to his own age group and the activities at school and outside the home. Relationships with mother and father can become much more friendly. Thus are impulses chan nelled.
Many of the problems of the 3 to 8-year old period arise again during adolescence. Again firm restraint and guidance is neces sary. Although the adolescent may rebel, he feels much happier and more secure if someone helps restrain his behavior. It can be a comparatively painless procedure pro viding the child has grown up with a basic trust and a respect for wise authority.
In addition to using the characteristics of the developmental level of the child as a guide, some other general principles can be used. If the child's impulse, wish or desre cannot or should not be gratified directly, ef forts should be made to guide him toward a partial or substitute gratification. The child cannot be allowed to hit mother, father, brother, sister, or kick the dog, but he can pound a board or punch a bag. The parents can recognize and sympathize with his feel ings, but train him to seek an acceptable out let. Diversion to a new interest sometimes works, but not as well as showing the child what he can do to satisfy his original desire. For many impulses and wishes, the parents will have no ready substitute. In that case they should say “¿no―firmly, and use physical restraint when necessary. Unequivocal firm ness leads to far less trouble than hedging. Under no circumstances should the parents give in to a tantrum. Some parents hope to avoid trouble by giving in to the child's un reasonable whims, but this leads only to more difficulty. Children will not persist in fighting a losing battle. If their techniques are not successful, they will abandon them. On the other hand, some parents, being fear ful of the child and fearing they will lose the upper hand, say “¿no―to everything. This breeds rebellion and weakens the parents' authority. “¿No―should be saved for the time when the parent really means it.
or stop what the child wants than it is to get him to do something the parents wants. Here all of the circumstances which have fostered friendly feelings between child and parents become very important. A rebel lious child is not prone to be co-operative and now has a chance to rebel even more. A child who has gained respect for his par ents through reasonable discipline is much more willing to co-operate. If a “¿cold―or “¿hot―war has developed between a child and parent or parents, the situation can be improved tremendously by instituting a daily time to be spent exclusively with the child. If the child can have the exclusive attention of the parent for as little as 15 minutes a day, good feelings are engen dered. The youngster should be allowed to use the time as he wishes, but eventually his problems emerge and then can be solved. Training in picking up toys, clothes, doing dishes, etc. should begin early. At first and for some time, these should be co-operative enterprises. The young child likes to work with someone and later can develop pride in doing things by himself. Tasks that are considered essential and worthwhile are much more easily accepted by the child. It is unnecessary to use bribery to get the child to perform essential tasks or to stop unacceptable behavior. Moreover, bribery has no long range value and often leads to greater difficulty. In many activities, identi fication with, and imitation of, the parent may have positive or negative effect. If the father throws his clothes around, it is more difficult to induce tidiness in the son.
The techniques described so far have em phasized the guiding and leading aspects of discipline. Inevitably situations arise when punishment is necessary to enforce the re quest or prohibition. The most helpful pun ishment is that which, within reason, takes advantage of the natural consequence of the child's behavior. This has to fit the child and the family customs. For example, a girl likes neat dresses but throws them in a heap. If mother can control her own feelings and the girl finds she has only wrinkled dresses to wear, she will learn to hang them. If a
child steals, restitution must be made. When a natural consequence is not readily available, other techniques may be used. Denial of some privilege or pleasur able activity is one. This should be enforce able and not excessive. Prolonged depriva tion loses its value as a reminder to encour age good behavior, and tempts the child to defy and rebel.
Sometimes, with many children, punish ment is not neciessary to obtain compliance, but the child needs time to accept the re quest or prohibition. Protests become less and less frequent as the parents stand firm. For the older child, a cooling-off period alone is often helpful. This is not good for the young child who is not ready or able to handle rage or hostile feelings by him self. Many times children decide to give in but do the forbidden thing once more one more kick at the chair, another poke at brother. This is not really defiance of the parent, but an attempt to save face. Strong measures are not needed.
The most controversial form of punish ment is spanking. Some believe the child should never be struck. Others feel there should be a return of the “¿wooc'shed―phi [email protected]. Neither is right. The “¿neverspank― group is apt to be overly concerned about the child's reaction, and the “¿woodshed― group does not have the patience to rely on other methods. There may well be circum stances when a good whap on the “¿behind― works wonders. It may be of real value where all other methods have been used and the child is still not convinced that the parent is serious. Used this way, no harm comes to the psyche. It is not a good method, if it is the only form of discipline used and the purpose is to train by fear. The child then may become excessively fearful, or, if heroic, may taunt and defy the parent. When the child says : “¿Youcan't hurt me,―all semblance of training is con sumed in the parents' rage, and during the
emotional upheaval, the reason for the whipping gets lost. Many children, and adults too, can remember a “¿licking―but
gets the impression that when spanking
seems to work, it would not have been
necessary, and when it does not work, ob viously something else should have been done.
Whenever and whatever punishment is used, the child should clearly understand why. Punishment should be immediately connected to the behavior, and adminis tered by the parent on the scene. Parents must be in agreement and support each other. Siding with the child against the other parent encourages disobedience. Par ents who for one reason or another feel so guilty about punishing that they have to atone to the child, also encourage misbe havior. Good discipline is for the child's benefit, and the parent need not apologize.
When some parents are unable to carry out a reasonable disciplinary program, and
if a problem is out of hand and intolerable, a specific investigation is necessary to reveal
the many possible factors. In the great ma jority of families, problems can be prevented from becoming intolerable. If discipline is based on love of the child and carried out with conviction and confidence, no serious
problem will arise. The real essential is love for the child. However, parents cannot always have conviction, nor can they always have confidence and be consistent. They get tired, worried and beset with other prob lems; at the moment they do not have the patience to guide, channel, or find a substi tute. They get angry or give in, hoping for peace and quiet. These occasional disrup tions do no real harm. The child can readily appreciate the reality of the situation.
Some may consider it heresy, but parents should not be afraid to be human, have faith in their considered judgment and act upon it without worrying too much about the child's psyche.
REFERENCES
1. Crosby, N. D. : Essential enuresis: success ful treatment based on physiological con cepts. M. J. Australia, 2:533, 1950. 2. Josselyn, I. M. : The Happy Child. New
York, Random House, 1955.
3. Korsch, B. M. : Practical techniques of ob serving, interviewing and advising par ents in pediatric practice as demonstrated in an attitude study project. PEDIATRICS,
1960;26;1033
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John F. Kenward
DISCIPLINE
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