ME! MICHAEL JACKSON MEETS SEPTEMBER 1984

ENTS — FREE

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KIDS

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SEPTEMBER 1984

MICHAEL JACKSON „у;

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THE WORLD'S HUMOREST FUNNY MAGAZINE

ROBERT C. SPROUL, publisher ELAINE OZIMOK, editor BILL SPROUL, associate editor JOE CATALANO, contributing editor

GEORGE GLADIR, PAUL VOLKS, MIKE RICIGLIANO, JAMES EGAN, DON CHIN, BOB RAFFERTY, MARION SPROUL, ANDY LAMBERTI, LORIN WEGAND, writers JOHN SEVERIN, SURURI GUMEN, WARREN SATTLER, DON OREHEK, VANCE RODEWALT,

VIC MARTIN, JOHN LANGTON, artists MARCUS ABSENT, pruf rdddddr SYLVESTER P. SMYTHE, janitor

CONTENTS

THE AYY.YY TEAM

The A Team in action with Michael Jackson | ... visas б

IF KIDS TOOK OVER COMPLETELY

When the beguiled child gets riled! ... TETUR 33 THE CRACKED LENS

Our talking picture shows !... 36

THE ABC's OF VIDEO

Alpha beta to the max |... „изаа шека жаснш и далга еш 28

THE CRACKED WORLD OF MUSIC

Humor in the key of tee һее!... 40

HUDD & DINI

Con-founded fun !

22

FREE BONUS POSTER !

Cerefuliy detach: complete cover at staples and poster

- 13 ready for hanging |

FUTURE INSECT MONSTER MOVIES

Gnats to you section! ... ааа, 19

CRACKED HOLD-UPS

You'll lighten-up when you read this l...a... буаз шч aod 13 SNIDE GUIDE TO CAMPING

We give you a lot of bunk }шпк!... 23

CRACKED LOOKS AT COMPUTERS

Terminally funny data from our computer tutor! ...15

WORD PLAY More pun fun !...

PRESS MISTAKES

Cable fables ! .,....,..

аан wayapapuwyasaiw

as

44

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE HAMBURGER KING

We ask the question, "What's your beef?'"

SHUT-UPS

Bringing up the rear, cheer ! ,

.26

CRACKED Magazine (USPS 801 000) is published monthly except February, April and June by Major Magazines, a division of Candar Publishing Corporation, 239 Park Avenue South, Suite SD, New York, N.Y. 10003. Single copy price 51.00: Canada and foreign $1.25. Subscription (9 issues) in the United States and possessions is 59.00; outside U.S.A. $12.00, Subscription orders, inquiries concerning subscriptions and change of address to be sent to: CRACKED Magazine, Subscription Department, P.0. Box 1160, Dover, New Jersey 07801. Mailing labels should accompany inquiries and charge of address advice. Allow 10 weeks for processing subscriptions and for effective response to above. SECOND CLASS POSTAGE is paid at New York, М.Ү. and at additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send change of address to CRACKED Magazine, Subsc! x 1180, Dover, New Jersey 07801. Copyright ë 1984 by Major Magazines, а ing Corporation. All tights reserved. Copyright under the Universal Copyright Convention and International Copyright Convention. Copyright reserved under the Pan-American Copyright Convention. Todas derechos reservados segun la Convencion Pan-Americana de Propiedad Literaria y Artistica. Title trademark registered in the U.S. Patent Office. Publisher cannot be responsible for unsolicited letters, manu- scripts or artwork although every effort will be made to return such matter when accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES.

а

Je

SEPTEMBER 1984 No. 206

WHAT'S UP FRONT

OUR COVER

Hey Sylvester, we pity the poor guy who dressed you to look like that !

You may have to BEAT IT... real quick !

EVERYBODY MAKES

MAKES MISTAKES

ADDRESS ALL LETTERS TO CRACKED LETTUCE, 239 PARK AVENUE SOUTH SUITE 5D, NEW YORK, N.Y. 10003

The following CRACKED readers

were selected as Official CRACKED

Reporters for this issue ... CON-

GRATULATIONS!!

Mat Winchell

“бурур

Brent Fontes

Lara Cummings Топу Grande Michael Spencer Jasmine Anderson Bill Stanton Joe! Novak

Matthew Greer Brandon Marin James Briggs

Май Wison Glenn Christmas BartLunn

David Alves Phil Scott Robert Smith Chris Holt Brenda Hanis Michelle Mulch Leo Woite Sammy Davis іе Young Май Gunby Rickey Sadley Cindy Cole

Paul DuPont Brad Farrell John Wilson Billy Mitchell Sean Wilson Scott Asner Derek Wilson — Steve Curtis Ken Russell

d

Hey CRACKED READERS

—

Here's your chance to be an

Official CRACKED Reporter. Let us know your 3 favorite TV

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CRACKED.

My 3 favorite TV shows are

'

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Mail this coupon to:

1

CRACKED MAGAZINE

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rom our Readers

Dear CRACKED,

Recently | sent in your coupon asking

readers to list their 3 favorite TV shows

and last issue you used one of my

suggestions— WEBSTER. So where's my name?

John Simon Mule Creek, OK Dear John,

Under "S" іп the phone book AND, if you look, below your letter.

Dear CRACKED,

Your article THE CRACKED GUIDE TO

JOGGING was very funny and MOVED

ALONG at a GOOD PACE.

David Spaulding

North Augusto, SC

Dear David,

Which brings to mind this joke. How

does a RUNNER get his girlfriend

into the movies for nothing? He tries to SNEAKER in.

Dear CRACKED,

Do you realize that HOLD UPS only

work if you're reading the magazine in a lit room?

Evelyn Doozan St. Paul, Minn.

Dear Evelyn,

True. Except, if you were reading the magazine in a dark room, you proba- bly wouldn't get many of the other jokes either.

Dear CRACKED,

Well all right!! CRACKED INTER- VIEWS THE ROCK N ROLL KING was

awesome!! How about some more

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Ron Monson

Chicago, IL Dear Ron,

We'll do even better. How about an

article featuring TV's #1 show and music's #1 boy Michael Jackson? Just turn to p. 6.

Dear CRACKED,

My VIDEO NIGHTMARE is that | play

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Sam Berger

Wauwatosa, Wis.

Dear CRACKED,

VIDEO NIGHTMARE really hit home. Mine is that | finally get enough money to goto an arcade and, after putting my first quarter into say Donkey Kong, the

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Paul Hofman

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And Ronald Reagan thinks HE'S got problems!!

HII

Dear CRACKED,

This may sound dumb, but | love the UPC CODE on the front of your

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James Mellberg

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Dear James,

Well, if you like the CODE you should see the matching pair of pants that goes along with it.

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Dear CRACKED,

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* Money orders and checks preferred, Canado and others outside the U.S.A. must poy with a check drown on а Џ.5.А, bank or by International Money Order. Allow 10 weeks for processing subscription and for effective response to above,

T.

was a wonderfully warm almost summery day and, while most people were

out at

the beach or home relaxing, one set of men was doing something entirely

different.

's go men. Jog! | È | But without the use of an [|| Aw Cannibal. Why all this training? want 20 miles from È| || skateboard! That's cheating

НЕ

Why? Cause on our last mission we

were sloppy. Wasn't it you who

kept the grenade in his mouth and threw the pin?

Excuse me. Is your

name Cannibal Smit? Michael pretty good imitation.

Jackson! _y F

What cop drives

~

E

S

< 3

around in a limo?

Someone wishes to

к

speak with you.

1

Ë

To put it simply,

m looking to hire ...

"залез! Sunes әпцм әәд е jo no бие} $! ОСЗХОУЫО

Like the way | worked the

)

Ah

Етте тегт

Шы шы кызы ш

except, like Mudlork said, |

how do we know you're really Michael Jackson?

5

No, My silver

glove is missing. | | Why? Does it

can't go onstage |

have all the lyrics

without to your songs Ç written on the back of it?

glove. It's my trademark.

Grammys! Yup. lis him

6

[L

DONT

BEA

CHARM,

HAVE

-

IT!"...SYIVESTER

ETT TUYO Fool! if we had

the glove to dust for

| fingerprints we

^. wouldn't be

алир

sai

| bet fingerprints

on the glove

| would tell us who

looking for it in

the first place.

a

aa

And | think the house. B.

best place to begin is at your

O.drive Michael home.

That's it, Cannibal. Show him |

how “with it”

though you have silver hair.

eu. 9

_`

SS

We'll follow in the van.

Then later on, I'll take over and drive Michael crazy!

-yonu оо) smouy au əsneoəq |еиишие sng eu ye жер uogeuuojur өц BUROOYS S! GAXOVHO

I'm just gonna do a little fancy driving to try and Ë

shake them .

.

. oops. Fire hydrant.

S

=

Just gi

Í No. Somebody's

directions on

following us.

how to get to| What's the matter? You

your house’ |remembering how foolish

you looked wearing a hula

skirt on thet recent Bob

Cannibal barrels ahead

1 know. ЇЇ subtly signal to

{

forward while | back

Cannibal so we can try trapping

car needed

а washing.

ranged Democrats not to admit that their

Think they're It's not

out to i

harm you?

_|

Queen the wey

_{they’ re acting 1 Y ? Where | come from we}

:

is just Human, f have a name for this

much land.

! a seem to mcr T| О.К. I want everyone to search the house.

get ior open: Michael's gotta be on stage in less than 4

hours!

While you're looking, can | get

ын anything to drink? Like a Pepsi.

Don't worry. Mace'll |

do it for you.

;

н

CSS

P

You gonna Hey! Watch it! We don't do

pick the lock? * A " N any free plugs ‘on our show.

р Hey! If anybody still | remembers

No plugs! However, if we did promote something, it would the pl think | f the

be our “А-а-ауу Team Action Figure Sets."

s pot. ЫЕ

5009 ne

glove:

Available at leading toy stores

everywhere for only

$179.50—batteries extra.

because you heard the country at was war.

But like | said, we don't do that kind of stuff.

jpedwi uo suado yey) einyowred e Bunuexut $! аЗОУНО

l bus к

Look, | gotta get over to problem, [No problem. You go T know, your title You go |

ropping is starting

kusa ond

pcd along and Beat It. |

"РР LES

glove there in les than 2

| e be there shortly. | соларо.

hours? j

Darn! We ain't never gonna

find that glove in time and |

looked everywhere.

No. His other coat. —

—

REDEE

| Of course! People always leave |

their gloves in their other coat. How |

1 know the solution to }

this case certainly is!

В.О. Watch it! There's a ig

cop directing traffic.

Come on. We gotta run it overto

the theater. We've got 8 minutes. Thank goodness the theater's

only 541 miles away.

А

*woeq nok exiis и Бшлец pue uojeui e Suus si GSHOVHO:

Road's done.

Everybody | Someday Cannibal,

back into the| you're going to have

to explain how we

manage every week

to finish these huge

projects in so short af

time.

ARWEN Uh oh. The roads out and we'll never be able They certainly are better than

to jump that! What'll we do?

| F] our local highway department.

оок them 8 months just to fill in

Д Men! We're the A-A-Ayy Team. We've |!

до! 6 minutes. What else is there to do? |

There's so many people heading for the || [ij Please Cannibal!

concert that traffic is backing up for miles. | hate to fl

Well then we'll just have

to switch to Plan B.

Michael, the opening act's

Е

Ladies and Gentlemen—

done. You're on in 30 seconds.

|

Michael Jackson!

Nol Not without my glove! | can't!

Here you go

Michael!

You made it! Thanks B.O.And this

is for helping me out. Enjoy.

=i

Wasn't that what

the girl you went

out with last night looked like? accomplished. Something green

Mission

So what'd he give us?

and wrinkly | hope.

hill M

li

It's 100 tickets

to tomorrow

night's show.

R

The man gave

vs a goldmine! |)

SE

и

СҮЙҮШҮ

ШШЩ

МДА

rlOLD-UPs!

No, not THIS

Hold this page up te the light to see the surprise appear.

THIS kind of

kind of hold-up!

You'll soon see, Something Funny Is Going On Here!

hold-up!

We came to see Comrade

_{Jim, let's not tell а}

:

Е

soul that we've

Mishkin try and lift

=

ва

Gee! Wish | could

stop sneezing!

A

The Bulgarian in lane

two has just set a

new Olympic record! pax

L

TEL

discovered gold!

wish the magic would

go out of our romance!

Же eoe

What's wrong?

Harry, sometimes |

"—————

о ии

14

STOP!

Don't Read This Page First !

THE FUN STARTS ON THE BACK OF THIS PAGE |

TURN BACK AND ENJOY THE SURPRISE. . .

JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT !

4 ME vA. TU "ux

_Ñ

RESET

-— — — si

ree

CHIP ON THE SHOULDER SECTION

BY BITS AND BYTES, DIGITAL DANDIES AND THEIR

MICROPROCESSING MACHINES ARE TAKING OVER

THE WORLD. TO ILLUSTRATE HOW THIS IS

=

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CRACKED LOOKS A

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I> EI

BY THE F.B..

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ALIAS: "THE WIZARD"

AGE: 9

ILLEGAL USE OF

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...

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Ya dirty squealer! You shouldna spilled

your guts to da FBI's data bank! <“ WE WANT MORE

VOLTAGE

WE DEMAND

PROTECTION FROM MEMORY DESTRUCTION

Thanks for inviting

vs to your office E. Christmas party!

-

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stop talking

i | shop? It's | Lr Christmas Pg i|

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PAPER BEHIND THE AZALEA BUSH

OME _<= [| THE NEAREST О BLOOD-TYPE [| VICTIM WILL BE | FOUND AT FIFTH

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joues »ecfews e Suey SI Q3MOVHO

AS COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY INCREASES WE CAN LOOK FOR

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{

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You must learn to sublimate your aggressive tendencies into

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CRACKED 15 thinking you can't eat a sundae on a cloudy day. LISTENING COMPUTERS

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GNATS TO YOU SECTION

_

PwanreD V.

Se

D P SN

WILLIE MAYS ON 9

notorious Щи

FLY- CATCHER ; Ges v

Ever since the great box

office success of the

insect movie, "The Hellstrom Chronicle,”

Hollywood has gone buggy thinking up ways

of bringing more bug | movies to the screen. As

experts on bugs

ourselves (CRACKED

prints nothing but pure

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the film moguls return to the technique

developed in "The Fiy”

in which

- -the atoms of a man

and a fly get

discombobulated accidentally to produce mixed-up versions of each. YOU'LL NEVER GET ME UP IN ONE OF THOSE THINGS /

Nonsense Harold! What |||

|

makes you think daddy 11 in

is trying to get

Arrest those

nude bathers!

Officer,

we're not nude bathers...

Chomp! Chomp!

Bikinis aren't

very filling!

We Snail Men will conquer Í

Earth if it takes us a thousand years. H : eae your \ PAD DIED OF ALCOHOLIC POISONING! Ih ре

EL

Us SNAILS С

WERE THE FIRS

ONES TO LIVE IN. MOBILE HOMES!

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Get in line, Count! We were here fi

THE PRAYING MANTISES

Гуе crossed thousands g of praying mantises

with humans! | am

23 THE FIRE FLY MEN

_{How come you Fire Fly Men W}

Wel always have so much money? š

АТ

“<N

By crossing Raquel Welch with

Professor, how did you the Venus Fly Trop!! i save the world from

NT BE ECTION:

di.

_{present, there exist several opinions as to what con-stitates proper camping . , ,}

A _{ctually, nothing in the world can really compare with the jays of camping—from a mosquito's point of view,} that is! As а public disservice to would-be campers, CRACKED offers this . . .

SNIDE GUID

D

3 A |

- AMPERS WILL FIND THAT : +

RS NOTHING PROMOTES FAMILY Pass the insect Y Was something А (Ugh!) A family that camps

AS TOGETHERNESS LIKE THE _{repellent, Dad! — B wrong with lunch? E. together gets cramps}

CAMPING

Camping equipment is

stant transformation o

ЕОТІРМЕМТ: and independent outdoorsman.

SOFT, FLABBY HOMEBODY

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By eliminating the blade, CRACKED also eliminated

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SLEEPING BAG

This A&P-type

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TOUGH, RUGGED OUTDOORSMAN

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When air pressure is low, this mat-

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SODA COOLER

This item comes equipped with a map

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can cash in your empty deposit bottles.

Make-up kit for

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Тыз compass al- ways points in the

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Campers who suspect

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sp with camping should

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This stove is guaranteed not to work,

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What idiot would want to cook a meal

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1-PIECE KIT

FOR PEOPLE WHO

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THE TALENT

TO MOOCH

Book lists take- out restaurants nearest your campsite.

|

TENTS: |

There are many types of tents a camper can choose from...

PUP TENT

UMBRELLA TENT

TENT FOR RED-BLOODED

l

AMERICANS

*Tent is clio ideal for male campers who are in the dog house,

MPORTANT NOTE: Make sure your tent is not 100% leak-proof ... unless

you want your camp neighbors visiting you during a rainstorm.

SETTING UP A TENT:

шш

aq

ter pole and insert

{3} Next, take the ci

s laid out and the corners

it through Ње...

Hing up an umbrella tert is а very

simple procedure.

(5) аи (6) There's nothing quite like the fresh air that comes from sleeping under “an open sky.

CAN YOU FIGURE

x

OUT THESE

. WORD PICTURE -

PUZZLES?

&

|

They're fun to do and tricky too! For Exampl

TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH

TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH

TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH

TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH

TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH

TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH

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— — wa... m eS m

А is tor the Arcade

Built from wood and steel and mortar.

The game they have the most of

Is "We're sorry. Out of Order."

c is for the cartridges

That hold home video treats.

They say store in a cool dry place,

Don't leave ‘em near the heat.

E stor Expandable games, Adding foot controls and swords. Jump for joy when scoring high, And you get tangled in the cords!

B is for the blips and bleeps

Produced by all the games.

The players love to hear these sounds

While others go insane

“Din cheap” is what the price tag reads

On games of all description.

Older games have gotten cheap

Because of competition

ФОР

EVERY GAME OUT MORE THAN SIX MONTHS

Frogger is a curious game That bothers some . . . good gosh They just can't get excited Over froggies being squashed!

G is for most grown-ups. Gad! They play so spastically.

Ага then they get excited

About a score of 53.

No! No! Move your

control to your right!

You just blew up your|

| is for the impact That with video has come.

Just think of what it's given US, [Video thumb comes from Like the dreaded Video Thumb! / repeatedly pressing the

buttons on arcade дате.

K is tor the killioy

(actually Mom is her name). She makes you stop your playing After only ninety да! |

М is for the microchip,

That's made video more than a dream.

Ask someone what the gizmo is,

They'll say "A flavor of ice cream?"

VANILLA CHOCOLATE

rm

Home computers, dads bring home For schooling tots and teens.

But when dad goes off to work each day,

Out comes Pac-Man on the screen.

A С

a

S

Cue?

|

_{| |}

[Нез gone!

š

_P

|| V N

e

|

-

That you move around and ‘round. Ever wonder why you've scored so low? Your joystick's upside down!

Laser games are the newest fad, We are told by TV reporters.

And they're loved by nearly every arcade "Cause to play takes a pair of quarters.

Nervous is what you seem to get

When you're nearing a record store. You claim you won't choke in the clutch, But you do needing just ten more.

O is tor the owner

Of your local video arcade.

15 he smiling 'cause he likes you kids?

No! From the money he's made.

P is for the first game Pong

That got kids and video entangled. We thought that we should mention this,

So you mom knows who to strangle.

Quarters quarters everywhere,

Think of all you've paid.

if you had saved, all that you spent,

You could buy your own arcade.

S is for short-tempered.

“Not me!" You say. "For shame." "| smile when I get beaten." Right before you kick the game.

ФЕ М

R is for repairs made

When the games get dark or hazy,

From the moment that they enter the shop,

Their owners begin going crazy.

_{Brian! Get a hold of}

yourself! It's only

been gone 12 minutes!

The TV's where you play home games

From dusk straight into dawn, And so you hide

the "TV Guide™

So no one knows what's on.

Anyone seen

the TV program?

0906 оз 18) os ам. бше uooy 1891 au Suissed any pue бирип ereis; алаша аца о бо eu цо Buel S| ОЗЯОУНО

Unmpteen times kids play these games, V is for the vending machine For loopholes do they scout, That stands near the arcade door, You challenge them, you last a sec., Insert a buck to get some quarters. Their turn lasts 12 hours. You get 2 or 3, never 4!

Wars the theme of most these games Xmas is a time of love

As anyone can tell. And for sermons by Pastor Pav. Critics scream, "Make games of peace." But most of all it's the time of the year They would, except peace won't sell. To get games that you don't have.

| wont any, but mostly

all of the 37 games |

on this list.

Yars revenge and Donkey Kong, Zaxxon is another game,

In your house is where they belong. It starts with the letter 2.

Forever you will be a fan,

We're glad this game's an arcade hit,

ы —

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Let's see. . . 15 5 my chicken your chicken tender’ tender? . . .

See for

yourself!

... And your eyes are like

Right now adults are in complete control of the world. They make the laws and set the rules with everybody

else having to obey them. Well, all of this is fine if you're an adult, but what if you're in the under 18

generation? Picture if you will the rules of the game changed. Yup. Picture what it would be like

IF KIDS TOOK OVER

COMPLETELY

For starters, grown-ups would be

Supermarkets would be barred from

And street names wouldn't be

_{Elm, Main and Pine, but would}

the ones who'd have to be home solling certain products. _{reflect more the way a kid thinks.} by 10 and in bed by 11.

LN [чеш] _should And 1 want all the brussel _{sprouts and spinach}

xc №115 =a

dad. You Г Tm sorry — fhove called.

taken off the shelves.

son, but | Your

di

you're 75

realize

got hung

and! were

daughter

е

minutes

_{се. Lo really}

| worried.

The yearly calendar we now Water fountains would start And allowances would be more in

follow would be rearranged.

dispensing other types of liquid

line with a kid's needs.

i refreshment.

Monday and school days are Tuesday thru

_>

Wednesday.

Mmm. Cherry cola. Not bad.

|

video playing and record

á

purchases for the week.

And certain types of clothes

would never be worn by kids

again including

And public phones would be

Movies would be made based on what

redesigned.

kids like and would carry @ new rating.

f i с

FEA md co

\ 268 л ADMITTED.

_{S] CAD SSoMPANED BY}

р UNDER 6.

At school, homework would be

And report cards would be outlawed

Christmas and birthdays

with parents finding ovt about their

would be celebrated more

children’s grades in a different way.

than ence a year.

Oh! A Cabbage Patch

Magnum Doll. This is

evennicer than the gift

you got me for

as last week.

And just

wait until

yov see

what we

given out in ап entirely new мау.

М these: who

з

OK. You gor a 8 in] |

Darn! 1

forget whet the

want math homework! tetherball. What teacher told те. But |

tonight raise about history, math |

_{and English?}

|promise to remember better

_{next marking period.}

|

Ё

IE

\

fheir hands.

And, at home, kids would be the

ones with the bigger, master And instead of living rooms being

bedrooms. decorated like this... ... they'd look more like this.

Se,

s

әмеш OOS әш Ui бия = ayeu oi шем nof asneaon гаңога NOK Buuoous S! 03Я2УНО

And if kids took over, the way a

Instead of having the funnies buried deep

Апа the only way а mother could

meal is eaten would be changed.

inside, newspapers would put them ina

neg would be by submitting it to

hor child in writing.

Well have the double й д Hank men, Til red

BE chocolate layer cake as our

Е

TT] me duh ond, if we have P

[Тг perhaps later we'll order.

а slice of steak for dessert.

H u eem

ES You have your feet all over the

I'm proud of you son for letting the trash pile up

like this in the kitchen instead of taking it out to

the pail, Hove a movie on me.

z

coffee table. We could use a few more

And finally, stores would do

The voting age for all elections . +» resulting in the U.S. probably away with Time, Life and

would be lowered . . .

having a different President.

Newsweek and instead have .

. .

|

Is it true that you're naming Michael Knight as Secretary of Transportation President T?

Vech. 1 just

_=="

turned 5

_{чот :}

ING

(and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!)

Part XXV

Мом watch one more time an _m š Say... Aren't you Boy George?! _{1 love Karma Karma Chameleon!}

*

Can | have your

autograph, sir... er... ma'am?

using my friend here,

I'll show you how to

play spin the bottle.

M —À

had the highest

score in "Cenfiped

Thank you everyone .

for Jaws

we'll call you if you

got the рам... _y

Are you people at the deli

deaf? | asked you to

You're right, madam. That is

а dried-in gravy stain.

Vl tell the royal laundress

to switch to Tide at once as you commanded.

Hold it a minute. You got

another one of them chocolate

moustaches from drinking

all that milk.

Funny. Don never

kisses me at home|

like that. Maybe it’s my coffee.

Charles Bronson?

Ozzy Ozbourne? .

. .

The guy who invented

Yov're

doesn't use а deodorant. Just look how the horses

react everytime she lifts her arms.

C3

Bur Dad! | like my

5

moustache. Please don't

[Don't worry nurse . . .

(ugh) make me shave е

$ unloaded the bullets

E | from his finger when

_{he wasn't looking.}

Nd ВН =з

So what yov're trying to tell me is that you were out gambling again last night

Pin

Oh thank you for all

and lost your shirt. 376 Easter plants

you sent me, Gloster

D That'll be

yov should ше

traveler's

checks.

Er.. you're right... Now

if you'll excuse me, |

have a flight to South

America to catch.

There's a nice | think you overdo it. This

spot over there.h

із an awful lot of food for

=

Lm

one picnic lunch

Cream, butter... milk!

Give me all your dairy

products. III kill

for tl

! No! No! | asked for а тее! Not tea

Mr. Jenson, it's a ridiculous

idea, The navy has absolutely

no use for a submarine

THE CRACKED WORLD

[And if we really make an effort, |

think we can get

him elected to the White House in November.

|

|

Well, ТЇГБе.. . lm really proud to see you

girls taking on interest in the future of your

country.

+r

Thank 7

you

daddy.

|

We decided to get

involved in the election

because it was

= something we believed

stereo?

fen

you listen to thot? Why does he have to blast that

KNOCK IT OFF| _{IN THERE!}

At lost! We're finally goma

get to see Van Halen live.

Aren't you excited?

We're about two miles from

stage. And how much were the

Jim, you've been complaining and banging on

the wall all night. Why don't you just go next!

door and ask them nicely to turn it down?

3 -

‘kets?

OF MUSIC

And after studying all the * [candidates you decided to

ў [support the long shot Jessie Jackson?

What Jessie

Jackson!?

sid

_{"Tm your neighbor}

[ Gee, | was just gonna

и

mad.

|

Yeah, We figure that

our help, maybe we

from next door and . . .|

he wins with

get to meet

him in person.

T Labour watching an empty TV

Why all the kids at school are tal

nothing to

Get

No, you Dork!

l wanted to ask

Could you stop bangin’ on your

_{wall for awhile? We can barely} hear the stereo in our apartment |

See, John. You were worried about these seats

for nothing, We can see everything fine.

Oh yeah. Seeing them

live is а lot better than

staying home and

watching them on TV!

Wow! Neat new bike, How'd you

score that?

me for my drum

playing.

Every year | drop a little hint that I'm thinking of taking up the drums and every year my

dad buys me something big, hoping it'll take my mind off the

1 didn't know

you played

the drums?

_{кшш» |}

1 don't. That's how | got it,

{ Gloria, you're really going to

Just wait until you see where we're going|

for your birthday.

Ñ| station | wont, depress this and it's all

T just set this button here. Tune in the

set

T cant think of

anything | forgot.

And when you're done, I'd also like you to

clean Fernando’s coge.

|

4€) |

ee

aah

1 ¿[SO TELL ME DAD? HOW DO YOU LIKE

r mother that more thon ou wonted to see |

Gow!! l|

Oh yeah. | just remembered the one other

What's) thing you gotta do before you go to sleep—

remember to turn the volume down.

_Чыт

_dot

And . . . Peter . PETER! _{But if you keep that}

contraption on all the |

time, you won't hear а ||

thing | tell you

A-ay, Vinnie. Where you ||

Around,

You been workin’ fa

been the last two months?

:

&

fj

if | 4 AE

T been workin’ out

out so you can

_{so 1 can carry}

impress the _{this new boom}

liftin’ a lot

_{women folk?}

_{| [вох ! just bought.}

чо“ PRESS

MISTAHES!

HE PUT RESERVED SIGNS ON

THE SEATS OF ALL OF THE

P IMPORTANT

Z

GUESTS.

<

STATE LAW

;

à

š

REQUIRES

ALL BARS TO

\

POSTASIGN

|

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a

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WILLNOT

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_{rue FIRST THING TO DO WHEN YOU BUY LET-}

ТИСЕ IS TO WRAP YOUR HEAD IN A DAMP ТО.

WEL,

YOUR CARPET DEALER CAN BE FOUND IF “ш GET YOUR YELLOW PAGES, AND START e d

HE USED TO SPEND HOURS BUILDING LITTLE

SAILBOATS IN GLASS BOTTLES.

UNDER RUGS.

HE HADN'T SEEN HIS

DOCTOR IN OVERA YEAR, AND

-

Р

SURPRISED HIM BY

GROWING ANOTHER

FOOT.

:

_у

_as

= =

HE SAID HIS FATHER WORKED AS A COAL MINER | WHEN HE WAS A BABY.

. enon. Get the inside story as we switch to our

roving correspondent and...

ш ПИТЕВАМТЕШЄ THE

We interrupt this magazine to bring you a special

report on an American phenom-

|

Good afternoon! Or. if Please, Nanny, don't call our places

youre reading this in the

Hamburger joints.

morning, good morning. № 7 7

š it happens to be evening— Ç i 4 Sorry Mac. well you know. This is

Nanny Dickering for After all, we have a lot of things to

CRACKED Mazagine. To-

eat besides hamburgers.

day, l'mhereto interview a

man who may have fed 2

more meals "a more peo- 2 > OK, Mac. Tell our audience

ple than anyone in history

а

1

aboutit.

—Mr. Mac Dandy, owner S

of the world-famous chain of hamburger joints. The

Hamburger King!

Well, let's start here | How many burgers

atthe Mac Dandy do you sell a day?

farm. We raise all our own beef, you know.

It cuts costs in half.

Oh, a good two billion or more.

That must be

alot of beef! Almost half acow!

Why are all the cows so thin?

Yep— best working staff aman could want!

Ah Mac, | don't meant be critical, but they

КУ don't seem happy .

Nonsense. They're just high-spirited. Our supervisors are specially

trained to be gentle but

firm. Er...let's step inside.

That's a regular burger

with a lot more

ketchup and mustard.

y

That's the same as a double burger,

but with more pickles.

Now over here is our

chef in charge of ham- burgers. He has a very

difficult job because

there are over ten dif-

ferent kinds of burgers.

Hmm, I see. To

illustrate, could you

explain to our readers about some of these different Kinds?

For example, what's a

double burger?

But Mac, all of those hamburgers

sound alike to me, but their

prices differ by

as much as 50¢!

Well, the big difference

is in the wrapping paper.

Each kind comes in a different color wrapper.

In fact, you even get a

piece of cardboard with

the "Big Mickey." That's

justinmas

Don't worry, they're just enjoying a Big Mickey Thick Shake. Every so often the

straw clogs. Оп a more sober note, dont you feel

you're adding to the pollution problem with all this paper? Why not eliminate it and sell

the food cheaper?

Oh, look over there! Those

people are turning blue!

Shouldn't we call a doctor?

or something?

I

If your milkshakes are that thick. why don't you give ,

them aspoon? Are you

kidding? Cut

off the profits from the Mac Dandy paper

We do, but the spoon usually

breaks. That's

what clogs

the straw.

| was just noticing

your sign. I think

that's a wonderful

Well that was where the meat was. Now bug off!

If you'll look

over here, you'll

see it in OK! 80 where operation. does it say we haveto DO

But Mac! What about

anything

eoa e about it?

policy? That man was right!

Well, no matter what, you certainly do à huge volume of business. Just lookat that

Sure! We pay these people to come

out and make the place look busy. It makes the suckers, er . customers

think this is where EVERYONE comes

to eat. You dont know anybody who

looks good sitting in a car do you?

There's ап opening - .

Yes, itsa good day. We're

only paying about half of

Well, Mac—anything else | should _{Boy, could | go for a Mac Dandy's hamburger and а Mac} see before | leave? _{Dandy's thick shake sucked through a Mac Dandy's straw}

and topped off with a genuine Mac Dandy's napkin!!!

Yes Nanny. I'd like

i о

као en уор. _{You certainly are dedicated to}

clown. Randy MacDandy. S Mac Dandy's, Randy.

Look sister, | gotta live too, right? | get

paid by the number of times | say Mac

Dandy's. See— I just said it again

You know, Randy, I've always wondered what

you look like without that clown make-up,

Would you give me a scoop, and let us see?

Well, since we are on

coast-to-coast mazagine,

and | always love publicity

—all right.

@ , Gasp!! What

. this is Nanny Dickering, return- y _{Things haven't been going so good}

ing you to the regularly scheduled

doing under _{in Washington, so I've kind of been}

articles in this mazagine, and wish- that _{trying to line up something else—}

ing you a good night. Or, if you're

make-up? _{just in case. Right now, it's just part-}

reading this in the morning, here's

time, but well . . _{. would you like a |}

wishing youa

Mac Dandy's hamburger, Miss Dick-

How do you expect to attract any business,

Larry? This place is such а dump!

Hey Pete, this ride is sure е

making me feel dizzy.

_jai

[

_{Shut-up! We still have}

š

two more weeks left

i Ын!

Shut-up Juliet! You know you

can't have visitors until you finish