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The Indestructible Marriage Part II: Divorce Proofing Your Marriage August 13-14, Around 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

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August  13-­‐14,  2011      

 

Around  50%  of  all  marriages  end  in  divorce.  

 

Divorce  is  devastating.    Regardless  of  how  frequently  it  occurs  or  how  common  it  may  be.  It   is   mentally   and   emotionally   devastating   -­‐   worse   than   death.   But   it   is   also   financially   devastating  -­‐  especially  for  women,  children  and  productivity  lost  on  the  job.    

 

Divorce  is  as  common  for  Christians  as  it  is  for  non-­‐Christians  –  this  is  very  troubling.    

 

Our  faith  in  Christ  and  belief  in  the  Word  somehow  are  not  translating  into  marriage.  We   must  develop  a  faith  in  God  and  wisdom  about  marriage  that  is  strong  enough  to  face  the   challenges  of  sin  and  stress  that  are  prevalent  in  the  world  today.  

 Questions:  Can  marriage  really  work  today?  Is  it  really  possible  to  insure  success    and   to   divorce-­‐proof  a  marriage?  

 

Answer:  God  created  marriage  and  it  still  works  today.  However,  it  only  works  His  way.  In   this  message,  we  will  find  out  the  truth  about  marriage  and  divorce.  

  The  Ten  Warning  Signs  of  Divorce  

  A. Lack  of  pre-­‐marriage  preparation.  

 

1. Preparation  increases  success  and  decreases  divorce.  

2. Answer:    Post-­‐marriage  diligence.  Be  teachable  and  humble.  It’s  a  lifelong   learning  curve.  

 

B. Coming  from  a  broken  home  or  having  been  divorced.  

 

1. Children  of  divorce  have  higher  risk.  

2. Previous  divorce  increases  risk.  

3. Reason?  Iniquity  or  pattern  of  running.  

4. Answer:  Break  the  iniquity  and  commit!  Stop  running!  

 

C. Co-­‐habiting  before  marriage.  

 

1. 70%  divorce  rate  

2. Reason?    Self-­‐focus  and  conditional  commitment  

3. Answer:  Repent  to  God.  Change  focus  to  serving  God  and  spouse  –  Commit!  

   

D. Weak  Spiritual  Foundations.  

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1. Personally  –  John  4  –  Woman  at  the  well.  

   

i. Principle  of  Transference.    

ii. Disappointment  and  deception    

2. Couple  –  Unequally  yoked  and  a  disregard  toward  Scripture.  

  i. Presence  of  sin.  

ii. Lack  of  prayer  and  spiritual  practice.  

iii. Couples  with  strong  spiritual  lives  have  a  greater  chance  of  success.  

 

3. Answers:  

     

i. Daily  relationship  with  Jesus  -­‐  trust  ,  purpose  ,  identity,  security,   acceptance.  

ii. Pray  for  your  spouse  and  be  a  good  example  to  them  of  God’s  love.  

iii. Worship  and  pray  together  regularly.  

   

E. Poor  Relational  Support.  

 

1. 1  Cor.  15:33  -­‐  Do  not  be  deceived:  “Evil  company  corrupts  good  habits."  

 

2. Research  at  the  University  of  Chicago  says  that  people  who  stay  together   have  friends  who  support  them  staying  together  and  who  have  a  low  opinion   of  divorce.  

  3. Divorce  runs  in  groups.  

  4. Answers:  

 

i. Break  off  unhealthy  relationships.  

ii. Submit  your  friendships  to  God  and  each  other.  

iii. Join  a  good  church  and  connect  with  people  you  enjoy  and  have  things   in  common  with.  

 

F. Chronic  Criticism  and  Negativity.  

 

1. Negative  or  no  communication.  

 

2.  Proverbs  18:20-­‐22  -­‐  A  man's  stomach  shall  be  satisfied  from  the  fruit  of  his   mouth;  from  the  produce  of  his  lips  he  shall  be  filled.  Death  and  life  are  in  the   power  of  the  tongue,  And  those  who  love  it  will  eat  its  fruit.  He  who  finds  a   wife  finds  a  good  thing,  And  obtains  favor  from  the  LORD.    

 

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3. Words  are  seeds    

i. Good  =  fruitful  &  sweet   ii. No  =  wilderness  

iii. Negative  =  weeds    

4. Answers:    

  i. Repent  to  your  spouse.  (kill  the  crop)  

ii. Stop  being  negative  and  punishing  with  your  tongue.  

iii. Sow  good  words  by  faith  even  when  you  don’t  feel  like  it  –  they  will   grow!  

 

G. Chronic  anger  and  unresolved  conflict.    

 

1. Gottman  -­‐  #3  sign    is  contempt.  

2. Ephesians  4:26-­‐27  -­‐  “Be  angry,  and  do  not  sin”:  do  not  let  the  sun  go  down  on     your  wrath,  nor  give  place  to  the  devil.”  Devil  =  diabolos  –  “slanderer”  He  is   the  accuser  and  he  hates  marriage.  100%  of  divorces  are  caused  by  this   dynamic.    The  longer  you  hold  in  anger  the  worse  this  becomes.  

  3. Answers:  

  i. Repent  to  God  for  unforgiveness.    

ii. Forgive  your  spouse  daily  even  if  they  don’t  do  the  right  thing.  It  is   important  for  you!  

iii. As  a  couple,  commit  to  dealing  with  issues  daily  and  not  going  to  bed   on  anger.    

iv. Break  negative  patterns  –  punishing,  silence,  etc.    

 

H. Blame  transfer.  

 

1. Original  sin  of  marriage  from  Genesis  3.  

 

2. This  includes:      

  i. Defensiveness  –  Gottman’s  #2.  

ii. Victim  mentality  –  “nothing  I  can  do.”  

iii. Justification  of  misbehavior  or  withdrawal.    

 

4. Answers:  

 

i. Be  humble  and  approachable.  

ii. Practice  the  attitude  and  behavior  you  want  from  your  spouse.    

iii. Be  quick  to  repent  and  say  sorry.  

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iv. Like  Jesus  –  be  redemptive  in  your  love  and  trust  God  for  the  results.  

v. Don’t  blame  others  for  your  problems.  

 

I. A  non-­‐committed,  shopper’s  mentality  related  to  your  spouse  and  marriage.      

 

1. Present  Day  Dilemma:  Customers  are  sought  after  and  catered  to  like  never   before.  Very  little  customer  loyalty  or  employee  loyalty  –  70%  of  employees   are  looking  to  make  a    change  this  year!  

 

2. Many  bring  this  mentality  into  marriage.  The  thinking:  “If  you  don’t  please   me,  then  I’ll  keep  shopping  and  find  someone  better.  Even  if  you  do  please   me,  if  I  find  someone  who  pleases  me  better,  I’ll  change!”  

  3. What  this  does  in  marriage:  

  i. No  security  –  performance  based.  

ii. Negative  commitment  –  “I’ll  stay  as  long  as  something  else  doesn’t   become  available.”  

iii. Every  time  something  bad  happens  we  are  bombarded  with   temptations  or  suspicions.  

 

4. The  devil  knows  what  it  will  take  to  make  you  reject  your  spouse                 and  works  to  make  it  happen.  

 

5. Marriage  is  a  covenant.  It  requires  total  commitment  until  death  and  even  in   the  worst  of  times.    

 

6. Answers:  

 

i. Commit  to  your  marriage  and  stop  shopping  –  Covenant  commitment   ii. Express  your  commitment  to  your  spouse  and  to  God  often.  

iii. In  bad  times,  reject  the  devil’s  lies  that  getting  out  is  the  answer  and   don’t  let  him  accuse  your  spouse  to  you.  Fight  for  your  marriage.  You   have  an  enemy!  

   

J. A  non-­‐scriptural  secularized  worldview  of  marriage  and  divorce.  The  war  of  world   views  concerning  marriage  and  divorce.  

 

Jesus’  encounter  with  the  religious  leaders  of  His  day  concerning  “no-­‐fault”  (her   fault)  divorce  –  of  paramount  importance  in  understanding  this  issue  and  how  God   feels  about  divorce  as  well  as  understanding  how  marriage  works:  

Disclaimer  to  those  who  have  been  divorced!    

           

Matthew  19:3-­‐9  -­‐  The  Pharisees  also  came  to  Him,  testing  Him,  and  saying  to   Him,  "Is  it  lawful  for  a  man  to  divorce  his  wife  for  just  any  reason?"    And  He  

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answered  and  said  to  them,  "Have  you  not  read  that  He  who  made  them  at   the  beginning  'made  them  male  and  female,'    and  said,  'For  this  reason  a  man   shall  leave  his  father  and  mother  and  be  joined  to  his  wife,  and  the  two  shall   become  one  flesh'?    So  then,  they  are  no  longer  two  but  one  flesh.  Therefore   what  God  has  joined  together,  let  not  man  separate."    They  said  to  Him,  "Why   then  did  Moses  command  to  give  a  certificate  of  divorce,  and  to  put  her   away?"    He  said  to  them,  "Moses,  because  of  the  hardness  of  your  hearts,   permitted  you  to  divorce  your  wives,  but  from  the  beginning  it  was  not  so.  And   I  say  to  you,  whoever  divorces  his  wife,  except  for  sexual  immorality,  and   marry  another,  commits  adultery;  and  whoever  marries  her  who  is  divorced   commits  adultery.”  

 

The  way  we  see  things  is  called  our  worldview.  It  is  the  lens  we  see  the  world   through.  

 

Jesus  vs.  Pharisees  –  Two  opposing  worldviews  concerning  marriage  and  divorce  –  Of   course  Jesus  is  right  –  the  troubling  thing  is  –  the  Pharisees  are  the  religious  leaders   among  God’s  people  and  they  are  PRO  divorce!  (not  no-­‐fault  divorce  –  her  fault   divorce!)  

 

Question:  How  could  marriage  have  fallen  to  such  a  state  among  God’s  people  that   they  would  want  divorce  on  demand?  Like  we  have  now  in  America  –  Unilateral  no-­‐

fault  divorce  being  advertised  as  the  great  solution  of  society!    

 

Answer:  When  you  stop  viewing  marriage  and  practicing  marriage  from  a  Scriptural   perspective  –  it  doesn’t  work.  When  it  stops  working  –  it  is  very  painful  and  

frustrating.    

 

1. Three  Basic  Choices:  

 

i. Return  to  God  and  a  biblical     perspective.  

ii. Tough  it  out  and  never  reach  your  potential.  

iii. Create  a  big  back  door  called  divorce.  

 

As  America  departed  from  its  biblical  and  Christian  heritage  in  the  60’s  –  the  divorce   rate  started  to  climb  as  marriage  came  under  attack.        

       

The  answer  we  chose  wasn’t  repentance  –  it  has  been  no-­‐fault  divorce  and  failure!  

   

For  the  problem  to  stop,  we  must  return  to  a  biblical  worldview  and  lifestyle   regarding  marriage.    But  what  is  it?  

  2. Jesus  vs.  the  Pharisees  -­‐  Beauty  and  the  Beast  -­‐-­‐  the  difference  a  worldview   makes  in  our  view  of  marriage  and  divorce.  

 

i. Jesus  Worldview  –  Scriptural  

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“Have  you  not  read?”  

 

Pharisee’s  Worldview  –  Social    

“Is  it  lawful…for  just  any  reason?”  

 

The  two  questions  tell  the  story  clearly  –  They  saw  from  social  acceptance  –   He  saw  through  the  lens  of  God’s  eternal  Word.    

 

Gen.  2:24-­‐25  –  Everything  God  creates  is  created  by  His  Word  (John  1)  and   operates  by  faith  in  His  Word.    

 

Matt.  7:24-­‐27  –  Rock  vs.  Sand  -­‐  God’s  Word  is  rock.  Society’s  beliefs,  practices,   pressures  and  desires  are  sand!  

 

The  Problem:  According  to  a  poll  by  Barna  Research  –  most  believers  don’t   make  important  decisions  based  on  scripture  –  they  make  them  based  on   what  they  think  will  bring  the  best  result!    

 

My  experience  in  marriage  counseling  bears  this  out!  

 

For  you  to  divorce-­‐proof  your  marriage  –  it  must  be  built  upon  the  rock  of   scripture  and  not  the  shifting  sand  of  personal  opinion  or  social  acceptance.    

 

ii. Jesus  Worldview  –  Servant-­‐hearted    

“Have  you  not  read  that  He  who  created  them  made  them   male  and  female  and  said  for  this  reason  a  man  shall…”  –   (sacrifice)  

 

Pharisee’s  Worldview  –  Selfish    

“…a  man  to  divorce  his  wife  for  just  any  reason?”  (totally  self-­‐

serving  and  chauvinistic)          

God  created  Adam  and  Eve  as  a  servant  team  to  help  and  serve  Him  and  each   other.  There  was  no  dominance  or  authority  until  AFTER  the  fall.  Selfishness   and  dominance  destroy  intimacy  and  the  spirit  of  marriage.  

 

America  is  selfish  =  Failed  marriages!  

  iii. Jesus  Worldview  –  Spiritual  and  Sacred    

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Vs.  6  –  “So  then,  they  are  no  longer  two  but  one  flesh.  

Therefore,  what  God  has  joined  together,  let  not  man   separate.”  

 

Act  of  God’s  Spirit  and  spiritual  at  its  essence.  Sacred    

Vs.  9  –  “whoever  divorces  his  wife,  except  for  sexual   immorality,  and  marries  another,  commits  adultery.”  

 

God  respects  His  spirit  and  sacred  and  doesn’t  respect  our  laws   when  they  don’t  honor  his  spirit!    

 

Covenant  Marriage  –  “to  cut”  –  sacrificial  spirit-­‐bond  forever.  

 

Pharisee’s  Worldview  –  Secular,  Non-­‐sacred    

How  can  that  be  spiritual?  

 

Piece  of  paper!  

 

Legal  contract  we  control!  

 

Spirit  of  fear  and  insecurity  in  marriage  today  is  totally  a  result   of  this  philosophy  –  Like  a  wife  during  the  rule  of  the  Pharisees.  

 

Unilateral/impulsive  divorce.  

 

In  relationships  you  get  what  you  pay  for.  

 

God’s  blessing  is  worth  everything  and  only  comes  to  couples  who  respect  His   pre-­‐eminence,  priority,  and  presence  in  their  marriage.  Blessing  is  missing  in   America!  

 

A  word  to  those  who  have  been  divorced  and  made  mistakes:  

 

God  is  merciful  and  forgiving.  

 

Issue  isn’t  to  punish  and  torment  –  it  is  to  lead  us  to  the  truth  –  we  are   accountable  for  what  we  know  –  when  we  know  it.  

 

Turn  to  God  now  and  do  what  is  right  –  He  will  forgive  you  and  bless   you.  

 

Question:    What  is  your  worldview  of  marriage  now?  

 

Scriptural  or  social?  

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Servant-­‐hearted  or  selfish?  

 

Spiritual/sacred  or  secular/non-­‐sacred?  

 

It  will  determine  your  future.  How  you  will  see.  Succeed  or  fail.  Solve  your   problems.  

The  Truth  about  Divorce      

Bottom  line:    In  the  vast  majority  of  cases  –  it  increases  and  prolongs  problems  and   offers  no  solution  at  all.    

 

86%  of  divorces  are  for  non-­‐severe  circumstances  (abuse,  adultery,  abandonment).  

 

Research  from  the  University  of  Chicago  proves  that  divorced  people  are  no  happier   than  unhappily  married  people  who  remain  married.  (They  just  exchange  one  set  of   problems  for  another.  And  the  children  are  worse!  

   

Ten  years  later  –  many  are  still  in  love  with  their  ex  (50%)  and  are  still  very   angry.  

   

Unexpected  legacy  of  divorce  -­‐  children  carry  the  pain  of  divorce  for  life   (Jesus!)  and  transfer  it  generationally.  Have  more  difficulty  in  life  and  are  less   likely  to  succeed  in  marriage  and  more  likely  to  divorce.  

 

Unhappy  people  who  stayed  married  -­‐  5  yrs.  later    85%  rated  their  marriages  as   happy.  Biggest  turn  around  among  the  unhappiest!  

 

A. Three  Ethics:  

 

1. Endurance  Ethic  –  Outlast  your  problems.  Divorce  is  a  permanent    solution  to   a  temporary  problem!  

 

2. Work  Ethic  –  Solve  your  problems.  Go  to  counseling.  Make  an  effort.  

 

3. Enjoyment  Ethic  –  Find  other  avenues  of  happiness  (God/church).  

 

B. Bottom  Line  on  Divorce:  

 

1. It’s  only  an  answer  in  severe  circumstances  –  and  even  then  last  ditch  -­‐-­‐  

constructive  separation  and  counseling  first!  

 

2. It  is  devastating  and  the  effects  can  last  for   generations.  

 

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Divorce  is  an  answer  for  marriage  problems  like  cutting  your  arm  off  is  an  answer  for   a  broken  arm!    

 

Keep  a  biblical  world  view  about  marriage.  

 

Believe  the  truth  about  divorce.  

 

Summary:    God  is  a  good  God  and  created  marriage  to  bless  us.  He  is  also  a  merciful  God  and   will  forgive  us  of  our  sins  and  mistakes.  However,  we  must  agree  with  Him,  repent,  and  trust   Him.    

   

Our  society  is  failing  in  marriage  and  suffering  through  divorce  because  they  have  rejected  a   Scriptural  view  of  marriage  and  have  believed  the  lie  that  no  fault  divorce  is  the  solution  to   marriage  problems.  

 

As  Believers,  we  must  stand  on  the  Rock  of  Scripture  and  return  our  faith  to  God.    

       

 

References

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