INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
ABBY(20s) and TOM(20s) sit at a table with bowls of soup. TOM
So do you have any brothers or sisters?
ABBY
I actually have two--Tom knocks over his drink.
TOM
And there goes my drink. ABBY
Do you want a napkin?
Abby reaches across the table with a napkin. She spills her drink on Tom.
Tom pushes away from the table. Abby’s soup splashes in her lap.
ABBY (CONT’D) Ow! What are you blind? Long silence.
TOM Yeah, obviously.
ABBY ...Me too.
HUNT LANGER(30s), handsome and he knows it, jumps between the couple with a microphone.
HUNT
Tom and Abby, you’ve just been Blindsided!
TOM What?
HUNT
You’re on America’s most literal blind date reality show:
Blindsided! (MORE)
We put two blind people on a date, hit the timer, and see how long it takes them to figure out... they’re both blind!
ABBY
Am I going to be on the radio!? HUNT
Your time was eleven minutes thirty seven seconds. That’s earned you two free gift cards to this
restaurant!
Hunt pulls out the gift cards and tucks them in Tom’s shirt pocket.
HUNT (CONT’D) Thanks for playing guys.
The entire restaurant, minus the couple, gets up and leaves. Hunt turns off the lights on his way out.
Tom and Abby sit alone in the dark. TOM
So you were saying you have two siblings?
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Everything in the room would be state of the art, if this were ten years ago.
The last scene of “Blindsided” replays on an editing monitor. CHET WHITE(33), a wimpy, black germaphobe, rocks back and forth in his computer chair.
WINSTON STACEY(23) watches the monitor behind Chet. He’s dressed to the nines but has no idea what that means.
WINSTON
Does he come off as too blind? CHET
That’s what I was thinking. WINSTON
CHET
But then I came to that conclusion as well.
Winston studies the monitor. WINSTON
I feel like the audience is going to get bored. Is there anyway we can make the girl black?
CHET
I don’t... I don’t think so. WINSTON
What about Indian? I could go for Indian.
RING RING
WINSTON (CONT’D) Hold on.
Winston answers his phone.
WINSTON (CONT’D) (in phone)
Hey Mom. I mean Dad.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
TINA BEAN(48), a large-breasted cougar, two cigarettes away from a tracheotomy, skims the newspaper behind the front desk.
She tears out a section from the obituaries.
A buff PIZZA DELIVERY BOY(20s) approaches the desk with a pizza box and a manila folder.
Tina looks him up and down.
They speak in rhymes for this scene only. TINA
Is this a pornography?
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY It’s a pizza delivery.
TINA Who called it in?
The Delivery Boy checks the folder. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY Stacey, first name Winston.
TINA
Well, nobody told me.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY It’s a large pepperoni.
TINA Go sit over there.
Tina points at a chair by the window. PIZZA DELIVERY BOY I’ll take a seat in that-- Actually, I’ll stand.
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Winston talks on the phone. Chet searches “how to turn white people black” on the computer.
WINSTON (in phone)
No, we shot the blind one, Dad. (beat)
Yeah, we shot it anyway. (beat)
I thought you were testing me. (beat)
Oh, so I’m just supposed to assume you’re not testing me?
(beat) Oh, okay. Winston hangs up.
WINSTON (CONT’D) Lain just shutdown Blindsided.
CHET
I’m still getting paid right? WINSTON
Didn’t you get paid like two weeks ago?
INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY
The DMV looks fun in comparison. A sign on the wall reads: “Stacey/Thompson Productions - Where Reality Becomes Real.” EMILY DOUGLAS(29), the first ever Type A+ personality, looks over paperwork at her overcrowded desk. Headshots of blind people are stacked neatly in the corner.
Across from her, MATT HARMON(28) watches a closed door. Aside from his feet, his desk is empty. Aside from the work, he loves this job.
EMILY
Can you lend me a hand here? Ever since you convinced Winston to allow “Man vs. Child” our list of child actors has gotten pretty short.
Matt’s attention stays on the door. EMILY (CONT’D)
And don’t just suggest replacing the kids with midgets again. We’re still trying to... Matt, are you even listening to me?
The door opens. Chet walks out, defeated. Matt stands.
MATT
Yeah, totally. Midgets. Matt heads for the door.
EMILY Where are you going?
(beat)
Wait, do you really want to use midgets?
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Winston scribbles in a notebook. WINSTON
You’re going to cancel my show, Dad? Then I’m going to cancel your shows... on the DVR. That’s right, I figured out how to use it.
He admires his letter, then rips it out and tosses it in a trash can.
Matt enters.
MATT
Hey, I need to head home really quick or maybe for the day.
WINSTON Is it your iguana?
MATT
Nah, Jerry’s dead. But my mom just got that thing that’s going around.
WINSTON
Did she get it from the iguana? MATT
No, she got... Matt searches for a word.
MATT (CONT’D) ...polio.
WINSTON (concerned)
Wait, polio or poliolio? MATT
Uh, just polio. WINSTON Thank god.
MATT
Yeah, so I’ll see you tomorrow. Matt opens the door.
WINSTON Is that Wednesday? Matt stops. MATT Yeah. WINSTON Hump day.
MATT Yep.
Matt leaves.
INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY
The amount of paperwork on Emily’s desk has doubled. Matt walks by.
EMILY I still
need--MATT
Can’t talk. I’ve gotta go home. EMILY
There’s no way your “iguana” is sick again.
MATT What iguana?
Matt picks up a lone paper on his desk, scowls, and adds it to Emily’s stack.
MATT (CONT’D) My mom got polio today.
EMILY
Polio isn’t even a problem anymore. MATT
Sure, it is. Lots of people have polio.
EMILY Name one.
MATT
My mom. Alright, bye. Matt leaves.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
The Pizza Delivery Boy watches Tina attempt to shove the entire newspaper in the shredder.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY Winston Stacey?
MATT Nope. Papa John? Matt leaves.
The Delivery Boy looks over at Tina as she struggles with the shredder.
He walks past her to the offices.
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Winston searches “polioliolio” on Chet’s computer. The Delivery Boy pokes his head in the room.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY Winston Stacey?
WINSTON Yeah?
The Delivery Boy approaches Winston and offers him the manila folder.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY You’ve been served.
Winston grabs the pizza box instead. WINSTON
Oh, thanks. I didn’t know we ordered pizza.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY No, you’re being sued.
He hands Winston the folder. WINSTON You’re suing me?
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY No, someone
else--WINSTON
You guys are worse than Pizza Bucket.
Winston sets down the folder and pizza box. He reaches for his wallet.
WINSTON (CONT’D) I should be the one suing you.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY Sir, I’m not
a--Winston pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Delivery Boy.
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY (CONT’D) Have a nice day.
He leaves.
Winston opens the pizza box. WINSTON (disgusted) Pepperoni?
ACT TWO
INT. MATT’S KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING
Matt reads Variety magazine while he eats cereal at the counter.
KRISTEN MANWILL(23) rushes down the stairs. She has the body and brain capacity of a Barbie doll.
KRISTEN
What are you doing here? MATT
I’m eating Corn Pops. KRISTEN
You should be at work providing for our family.
MATT Family?
KRISTEN
Our future family, babe. MATT
This is standard breakfast conversation.
Matt compares the cereal on the box to the cereal in his bowl. He frowns.
KRISTEN
For our little boys, Lincoln and Kennedy.
MATT
You’re naming our “future” kids after presidents?
KRISTEN
Studies show naming your kids after successful people improves their chances of being successful.
MATT
So you chose the names of two presidents, who were murdered.
KRISTEN
Assassinated, Matt. Only famous people can be assassinated. Like our future children.
Kristen takes a bite of Matt’s cereal. She spits it back into the bowl.
KRISTEN (CONT’D)
Oh gross, you are not eating this. She dumps the bowl in the sink.
MATT Apparently not.
KRISTEN
Also, it’s like 1:40. You’re really late for work.
Kristen goes back upstairs.
Matt glances at the analog clock on the wall. It reads 8:05. He sighs.
INT. OFFICE AREA - MORNING
Emily looks over headshots of midgets at her desk.
Winston enters with a large stack of flyers and the manila folder from yesterday.
WINSTON
So I’ve got bad news and worse news, Emily. Bad news: Matt’s mom has polio.
EMILY
You know polio has been cured. WINSTON
But thanks to me, we can make this bad news, bad-ass news with these babies.
Winston holds up one of the flyers. It’s a picture of Smokey the Bear with the caption: “Only you can prevent forest
fires.” “Forest fires” has been crossed out and replaced with the word “polio.”
WINSTON (CONT’D) “Only you can prevent polio.” Pretty awesome, right? He’s a grizzly bear that hates polio.
EMILY
Smokey the Bear. That’s original. WINSTON
Matt’s going to love them. EMILY
So if Smokey is fighting polio, who is fighting forest fires... the three little bears?
Emily laughs. Winston doesn’t. EMILY (CONT’D)
What? Oh come on, that was funny. Fine, what’s the worse news?
WINSTON
Oh yeah, we’re being sued. EMILY
You’re kidding me. By who? Winston tapes a flyer to her monitor.
WINSTON Did you say something?
EMILY
Who is suing us, Winston? WINSTON
Just some pizza boy bitch. EMILY
Please tell me you did not call him a bitch.
WINSTON
I wish I would have, but he was too busy shoving his bitch lawsuit in my bitch face.
Winston waves around the manila folder. EMILY
Give that to me.
EMILY (CONT’D)
And you just called yourself a bitch.
WINSTON
(under his breath) Bitch.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
Typing with two fingers, Tina slowly updates her online
dating profile. She plagiarizes from the obituary she ripped out earlier.
Matt strolls in with his Variety magazine. MATT
Looks like those Mavis Beacon lessons are really paying off.
TINA
Who the hell is Francis Bacon? Matt throws the magazine on the counter.
MATT
Knowledge is power, Tina. He walks back to the offices.
Tina shreds Matt’s magazine.
INT. WINSTON’S OFFICE - DAY
Emily and Chet look over pages from the lawsuit. Winston slouches in his chair.
WINSTON
Okay, it isn’t even a big deal. Like we probably just can’t get delivery anymore. We should be focusing on this polio problem anyway.
CHET Polio problem?
EMILY
Have you even read the lawsuit?
WINSTON I’ve dabbled.
EMILY
Joshua Maxwell from Legally Bound is suing us, not Pickle’s Pizza.
Winston accidentally punctures the document with his pen. CHET
Am I going to lose my job? (beat)
Is that Pickle’s place hiring? WINSTON
Wait, Josh is suing us? I thought I settled that like three years ago.
EMILY
This happened last month.
EXT. MANSION - NIGHT SUPER: “Last month.”
Hunt stands between a lanky virgin, JOSHUA MAXWELL(20s), and two beautiful ladies, AUDREY(20s) and LAUREN(20s), on the front lawn.
Hunt grips a mic and an envelope.
Between Hunt and Joshua, there’s a pedestal with an unsigned marriage certificate and a faux-feather fountain pen on it.
HUNT (to camera)
We’ve come a long way on “Legally Bound.” Thanks to our viewers at home, we’ve liberated ten gorgeous women from their legal obligation to marry Joshua. Only two remain.
JOSHUA (whisper)
They have to consummate the marriage right?
HUNT
Uh... yes. I believe so. JOSHUA
Alright, awesome. That’s awesome... just awesome. Awesome.
Hunt rips open the letter and reads it. HUNT
And the winner, chosen by you America, is... Audrey.
Hunt checks out Audrey as he golf claps. He smiles into the camera.
Lauren jumps up and down in excitement then leaves. Audrey reluctantly steps towards the pedestal.
Joshua hands her the pen. JOSHUA
I can’t wait... to have sex with your vagina.
Audrey cries.
HUNT (to camera)
Tears of joy. Lovely. AUDREY I can’t do this.
Audrey stabs Joshua in the neck with the pen. Joshua screams in pain.
Audrey runs off.
JOSHUA
Oh my god, Audrey! You bitch! You hot bitch!
Joshua drops to the ground, the pen stuck in his neck. Hunt moves to help Joshua, but then chases after Audrey.
JOSHUA (CONT’D)
I’m not sure what hurts worse: my neck or my heart!
(beat) It’s my neck.
INT. WINSTON’S OFFICE - DAY
WINSTON
Oh, I get it now. He swore on TV. That’s why we’re suing him.
EMILY
I don’t see how I can explain this any better. He got stabbed in the neck on our show. He’s suing us.
WINSTON
And now we’re suing him back for swearing on TV. You tricky slut. That just might work.
EMILY
No, it won’t. I need to call your dad.
Winston straightens up. WINSTON
I don’t think we have to bother Lain with such a trivial matter.
EMILY
Actually, you’re right. We should bother our lawyer first. Then Lain. BZZZ BZZZ
Emily takes out her phone to read a text. EMILY (CONT’D)
“Emily is gay.” You sent this to me, Winston.
Winston laughs and turns to high five Chet. He stops. WINSTON
(gangster)
Oh wait, my bad, my ni--EMILY
Don’t.
WINSTON Neighbor.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Hunt parades down the hallway. He crosses paths with Tina, who is taping up Winston’s polio flyers.
Hunt pulls out a marker and signs the flyer in her hand. HUNT.
I always have time for my fans. TINA
What?
HUNT
You don’t even have to ask. Hunt signs her breast.
HUNT (CONT’D) That’s permanent, you know.
INT. WINSTON’S OFFICE - DAY Hunt enters.
EMILY
You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
HUNT
Time flies when you’re drunk. Hunt unbuckles his pants.
CHET Not again.
Hunt pulls out a bottle of vodka from his waistband. WINSTON
(gangster) My neighbor!
EMILY
People don’t say that.
Hunt grabs a small flower vase and dumps out the flowers. Winston holds out his coffee mug.
EMILY (CONT’D)
Seriously, we’re being sued. Put that away.
HUNT
Wait, we as in me? Or we as in you? Cause if it’s we as in you, I
really don’t care. EMILY
We as in the company. HUNT
You’re not making a very compelling argument.
Hunt forces the flower vase on Emily then side hugs Chet. HUNT (CONT’D)
Cup your hands. CHET Why?
Chet cups his hands.
Hunt pours vodka into Chet’s hands. CHET (CONT’D) Oh whoa.
Emily sets down the vase. EMILY
Hunt, really. I e-mailed you about this.
HUNT
Psh, you still e-mail? Hunt raises the bottle.
HUNT (CONT’D) Okay, one two three. Winston and Hunt take a swig.
Chet nervously looks back and forth between Emily and his dripping hands. He takes a sip.
EMILY
So this is what we’re doing? This is how we’re handling this?
HUNT Beats calling Lain.
CHET
He doesn’t even like good news.
Emily sighs. She picks up the flower vase and takes a swig. The boys cheer.
Winston, in the moment, throws his mug at the wall. WINSTON
Chet, get those pants off!
INT. OFFICE AREA - LATER
Matt spins around in his chair. He comes face to chest with a very drunk Emily.
EMILY Hi Matt.
MATT Hi Emily.
Emily sits on his lap.
MATT (CONT’D) Whoa there.
EMILY
Come here. I need to talk to you. MATT
You need to talk to your AA sponsor and then you can come talk to me.
EMILY
Matt, you’re so fucking funny
sometimes. But I need some advice, straight from the horse’s mouth. Emily pokes Matt in the cheek.
EMILY (CONT’D) (whisper)
That’s you... neigh. MATT
Okay. That’s enough of you.
Matt pushes Emily off his lap onto the floor. Emily gets up, dusts off, then lays across Matt’s desk.
EMILY
So we’re being sued. Just a little bit. And I’m in charge, kinda. So I called Winston and Hunt and Chet... Chet White, but he’s black.
Emily smiles, waiting for Matt’s reaction. MATT
And?
EMILY
And we had a meeting. And now we have another meeting in an hour with Josh! So... so.
MATT
Wait, Joshua Maxwell is suing us? The “my neck or my heart” guy?
EMILY
Yes! You’re like the smartest guy I’m talking to right now.
MATT
I was going to say the same thing about you. EMILY (flattered) Matt. RING RING MATT Hold that thought. Matt pulls out his phone.
MATT (CONT’D) (in phone)
Hello.
KRISTEN (V.O.)
How could you not tell me your mom has polio? Did you give me polio too? Am I going to have to get
tested? Actually, I don’t even want to know. Bye forever!
She hangs up. Matt puts away his phone. BZZZ BZZZ
Matt pulls out his phone again. He has a text from Kristen: “luv u! see u 2nite!” He smirks.
Winston and Hunt, in a human wheelbarrow, barge in and collapse on the carpet.
LAIN STACEY(60s), Winston’s father, stands above them. He’s short, pudgy, and absolutely terrifying.
LAIN
I can’t wait to hear the reason for this.
The boys jump up.
Hunt pulls out a flask from his jacket and holds it out to Lain. HUNT Morning Lain. LAIN No. HUNT More for me.
Hunt begins a long pull from his flask. Lain eyes Emily spread on Matt’s desk.
LAIN
Anybody care to explain what’s going on here?
Behind Lain, a door opens. Chet walks out, pantless. He notices Lain and moonwalks back through the door.
Hunt finishes the flask. HUNT (to himself)
Five servings my ass. (to Lain)
So we’re being sued. Just thought I’d get that elephant out of the room.
Emily jerks up spread eagle. Matt tries not to look. EMILY
Quick! Lain’s coming! She notices Lain.
EMILY (CONT’D)
Oh, hey Lain. So say we need a lawyer. Where is his number look like?
She points to the computer.
EMILY (CONT’D) Is it here?
She pokes Matt in the cheek.
EMILY (CONT’D) How about here?
She points to her own forehead. EMILY (CONT’D)
Cause it’s definitely not here. I checked.
She smiles.
LAIN
I see Emily has adopted her mother’s alcoholism.
Matt pulls down Emily’s arms. LAIN (CONT’D)
If someone doesn’t tell me what’s happening right now, you’re all fired. If you don’t fix whatever is happening, you’re all fired. And if Chet doesn’t put some damn pants on, you’re all fired.
WINSTON
If you must know, Matt’s mom was just diagnosed with polio, and I’m not taking it that well.
LAIN No, the lawsuit.
WINSTON
Oh that. Some virgin got stabbed in the neck on our show.
LAIN So?
WINSTON It was unplanned.
LAIN
That seems to be a reoccurring theme in your life.
WINSTON
We’re meeting with him today to convince him not to sue.
Emily vomits in Matt’s lap. LAIN
You convinced me. Clean this up. And the vomit.
Lain exits.
ACT THREE
INT. OFFICE AREA - DAY
Tina hands Matt a roll of paper towels. He dabs his pants with them.
MATT That went well.
WINSTON
I didn’t think so. My dad didn’t even care when I dropped the “p” word.
MATT Yeah, about that.
HUNT “P” word?
WINSTON
Polio. Matt’s mom caught it. HUNT
Gross.
EMILY
(vomit on her lips) Gross.
Matt hands Emily the roll of paper towels.
Chet rushes in with the vodka bottle, pours a drink in his cupped hand, and gulps it.
CHET
Did Lain say anything about me? Oh god! Did he see me? Am I fired? Chet lights a cigarette.
MATT
Calm down. Nobody’s fired.
Chet’s hands burst into flame. He screams and sprints to the bathroom.
Matt takes in his surroundings.
Hunt flirts with Tina, leaned against a copier.
Emily’s passed out.
Matt takes a deep breath.
MATT (CONT’D) Guys, I think Emily’s dead. The room goes silent.
Winston drops the package. Emily jolts awake.
EMILY
Oh my god, I’ll drive us to the hospital.
MATT
Okay, now that I have all of your attention. Let’s think about this for a second. We’re talking about Joshua Maxwell, the horniest man in reality television.
Emily laughs as she does a jerk-off motion. MATT (CONT’D)
What would a guy like this want? Winston picks up the box.
WINSTON My package.
MATT Not quite.
Hunt, distracted, scribbles on Tina’s other breast. HUNT
Women.
MATT Good, Hunt. Hunt looks up, pleased.
MATT (CONT’D)
But more specifically, women who have to touch him. How do we give him that? Anybody?
MATT (CONT’D) We give him...
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Winston stands at the head of the table. WINSTON
...Desperate women and Joshua
Maxwell on an island or something: the television show.
Matt sits across from Audrey and Joshua. Joshua’s neck is heavily bandaged.
MATT
It’s a working title. JOSHUA
I love it, but I still have to sue you.
WINSTON I tried.
Winston plops into his chair. In front of him, a package full of Polo brand wristbands.
He scribbles an “i” onto the wristbands so they read “POLIO.” MATT
Have to?
AUDREY
Yes, he has to. He promised me. She puts her hand in Joshua’s lap. He smiles.
JOSHUA
How could I say no to this pretty face?
MATT
Well, if that pretty face put a pen in my neck, I don’t think it’d be too difficult.
AUDREY We’re past that.
(to Joshua) Aren’t we, babe?
JOSHUA
Love does heal all wounds. MATT
Including neck wounds? AUDREY
Especially neck wounds. Now let’s get to the part where you write us a check. That’s my favorite part.
JOSHUA
She sure does love that part. AUDREY
It’s true. Joshua laughs.
JOSHUA
It’s literally the only reason she’s dating me.
AUDREY Also true.
MATT
And you’re okay with that? Hunt bursts through the door.
HUNT
Guys, Chet isn’t breathing. AUDREY Hunt Langer? HUNT Girl I know? JOSHUA It’s Audrey. AUDREY
I haven’t seen you since... well you know.
She giggles.
HUNT I don’t.
MATT
Hunt points at Audrey. HUNT
I had sex with you somewhere didn’t I?
AUDREY In Joshy’s ambulance.
She tousles Joshua’s hair. He pushes her away. JOSHUA
Wait, that’s why they had to send a second ambulance?
HUNT
I wouldn’t have ridden in there. (to Audrey)
So Annie, do you want to help me go call 911?
AUDREY
Yeah, let’s totally go call 911. Audrey gets up and leaves. Hunt follows. Silence.
Winston looks up from his work. WINSTON Is the meeting over?
JOSHUA No, but my life is. Joshua puts his head on the desk.
Winston holds out one of his polio wristbands. WINSTON
Wristband? MATT
Josh, I can tell this is a hard time for you, but you should be suing Audrey not us.
JOSHUA
I can’t sue her. America is depending on us to make this relationship work.
MATT
Sure... but let me ask you this, where did you meet Audrey?
JOSHUA On a TV show. His face lights up.
JOSHUA (CONT’D)
We could give Audrey a TV show! She’ll fall in love with me all over again!
MATT
Good idea. Or you sue Audrey and we create another show to get you a new girlfriend.
JOSHUA A new Audrey?
MATT
That won’t stab you in the... back. JOSHUA
Yeah. Let’s do it. MATT
Great, let me make a few calls. JOSHUA
So I can do it.
He points to his crotch and smiles. Matt forces a smile. WINSTON
If we’re going to make this work, I have one condition.
He taps his polio wristband.
INT. POLICE VAN - NIGHT
The vibe is similar to “COPS.”
Hunt, a FAT COP(40s), and a LANKY COP(30s) stake out a Beverly Hills home. Joshua fingers a jelly donut.
HUNT
We’re back live for hour seven of Joshua Maxwell’s new, hit show: “Cop-A-Feel.”
The Fat Cop chuckles at the name. HUNT (CONT’D)
Joshua is still anxiously waiting for his sexy, sexy
suspect--LANKY COP
My leg’s falling asleep. Let’s get this over with.
They open the sliding door and hop out. Joshua licks his fingers.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS HOME - NIGHT
The men rush the porch. The Lanky Cop drags his leg. Joshua fixes his hair.
The Fat Cop kicks the door in. LANKY COP Wait here.
The officers rush in.
FAT COP (O.S.) Down on the ground, bitch! A woman screams.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! HUNT
That was more shots than normal. JOSHUA
So help me if they shot her boobs. HUNT
Yeah, that last bust was unfortunate.
LANKY COP (O.S.)
Come on in boys, this one’s a real looker.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The expensive house has been ransacked. The Lanky Cop pins a FEMALE ADDICT(20s) on the floor.
HUNT (to camera)
Here’s the moment of truth, folks. This woman has the choice between meeting her fate in prison or meeting, our man, Joshua at the altar.
Joshua has a visible erection. HUNT (CONT’D)
Joshua, anything you’d like to say to your possible bride-to-be?
JOSHUA
I hope your clothes look as good on my floor, as your
body--The Addict spits out a diamond necklace. FEMALE ADDICT
Prison! I choose prison! JOSHUA
No, we can make this work! HUNT
(to camera)
The decision has been made. Prison. The Lanky Cop handcuffs the Addict.
HUNT (CONT’D)
Better luck next time, Joshua. (to camera)
And now, as part of our ongoing polio awareness
campaign--Joshua screams.
A MALE ADDICT(20s), draped in nothing but a bear skin rug, holds Joshua hostage in the doorway.
MALE ADDICT
Roooaaarrr! I’m a hungry bear! The officers draw their guns.
FAT COP
Down on the ground, bitch! FEMALE ADDICT I love you, honey!
MALE ADDICT Honey!
He sinks his rotten teeth into Joshua’s neck. Joshua shrieks in pain and drops to the ground.
INT. EDITING BAY - DAY
Chet’s bandaged hands cue Joshua’s attack on the editing monitor for Matt, Winston, and Emily.
MATT Emily.
EMILY
I’ll call our lawyer. She leaves.
WINSTON
Anyone want to order a pizza?