Craft Moves
AP Lang & Comp
Flat…
It was winter. Everything was frozen and white with snow. Snow had
fallen from the sky for days. The
weather was horrible.
Heart and Soul
Mossflower lay deep in the grip of midwinter beneath a sky of leaden gray that showed tinges of scarlet and orange on the horizon. A cold mantle of snow
draped the landscape, covering the flatlands to the west. Snow was
everywhere, filling the ditches, drifting
high against the hedgerows, making paths invisible, smoothing the contours of earth in its white embrace (5).
Telling
The amateur writes:
Bill was nervous.
Showing—the Pro writes
"Bill sat in a dentist's waiting room, peeling the skin at the edge of his thumb, until the raw, red flesh
began to show. Biting the torn cuticle, he ripped it away, and
sucked at the warm sweetness of
his own blood" (4).
Amateur
Mary was tired.
A sentence like this one is a
mental dead end for a reader.
Pro
"Mary shuffled into the kitchen,
yawning and blinking. Collapsing
into a chair, she closed her eyes,
crossed her arms for a pillow, and
slowly tucked her head onto the
fold."
Try it yourself…
1. Lauren got caught stealing.
2. The weird, old man is reaching for something.
3. The snake attacked its prey.
4. John was snobbishly happy that he scored the highest on the test.
5. Rachel was sad.
5 Craft Moves
The participle
The absolute
The appositive
Adjectives out of order
Active verbs
The Participle
Think of participles as –ing verbs at the beginning or the end of a
sentence.
An example
"The diamond-scaled snakes attacked their prey.”
"Hissing, slithering, and coiling, the diamond-scaled snakes attacked their prey.“
"Hissing their forked red
tongues and coiling their cold
bodies, the diamond-scaled snakes
attacked their prey."
Another example
Shifting the weight of the line to his left shoulder and kneeling
carefully, he washed his hand in the ocean and held it there,
submerged, for more than a
minute, watching the blood trail away and the steady movement of the water against his hand as the boat moved. (from
Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea)
Practice—Describe with participles and participial phrases.
The Absolute
a two-word combination—a noun
and an ing or ed verb added onto a
sentence
For example…
Instead of saying "The cat climbed the tree,"
You could say:
"Claws digging, feet kicking, the
cat climbed the tree."
Now close your eyes…
"The mountain climber edged along the cliff.“
Picture the scene…
"The mountain climber edged along the cliff, hands shaking, feet
trembling."
Absolute phrases
"Feet trembling on the snow-
covered rocks, the mountain
climber edged along the cliff."
From The Mummy by Anne Rice:
The mummy was moving. The mummy's right arm was outstreched, the torn
wrappings hanging from it, as the being stepped out of its gilded box! The scream froze in her throat. The thing was coming towards her—towards Henry, who stood with his back to it—moving with a weak, shuffling gait, that arm
outstretched before it, the dust rising from the rotting linen that
covered it, a great smell of dust and decay filling the room (72).
Practice
Choose one of the following sentences and improve it by incorporating absolutes
and/or absolute phrases.
1. The diver peered once more at the specimen.
2. I glanced at my clock.
3. The kitten yawned tiredly, awaking from her nap.
4. The red rose sat in a large, white container.
The Appositive
An appositive is a noun that adds a
second image to a preceding noun.
An example:
The raccoon enjoys eating turtle eggs.
We can add an appositive to enhance the first image:
The raccoon, a scavenger, enjoys
eating turtle eggs.
Appositive phrase
The raccoon, a midnight
scavenger who roams lake
shorelines in search of food,
enjoys eating turtle eggs.
Another example
Instead of writing:
"A phalanx of ships and planes bore
down on Hitler's Europe,"
Appositive phrases
Cornelius Ryan utilizes appositives in June 6, 1944:
The Longest Day:
Plowing through the choppy gray waters, a
phalanx of ships bore down on Hitler's Europe:
fast new transports, slow rust-scarred freighters, small ocean liners, channel
steamers, hospital ships, weather beaten
tankers, and swarms of fussing tugs. Barrage balloons flew above the ships. Squadrons of
fighter planes weaved below the clouds. And surrounding this cavalcade of ships packed with men, guns, tanks, and motor vehicles, and
supplies came a formidable array of 702 warships (243).
Practice—Appositives
Choose one of the following sentences and improve upon it with appositive(s).
1. The volcano spewed forth lava and ash across the mountain.
2. The old Navajo woman stared blankly.
3. The waterfall poured the fresh, pure spray into the creek.
4. The fish felt the alligator's giant teeth sink into his scales as he struggled to get away.
5. Michael Jordan scored 53 points in the game.
Adjectives out of order
Amplifies details of the image
DO NOT overload sentences with too many adjectives
Avoid strings of adjectives by
shifting them out of order.
Strings of Adjectives:
Avoid sentences such as:
The large, red-eyed, angry bull moose
charged the intruder.
Adjectives out of order
Leaving one adjective in its original place, shift two others after the
noun to avoid the adjective string.
The result:
The large bull moose, red-eyed and
angry, charged the intruder.
An example
Sir Author Conan Doyle in The Hound of the Baskervilles creates mystery with:
"And then, suddenly, in the very dead of the night, there came a sound to my ears, clear, resonant, and
unmistakable"
The weaker version
With the adjectives in the
conventional order, the sentence sounds childish:
"And then, suddenly, in the very dead of the night, there came a
clear, resonant, unmistakable sound
to my ears."
Additional examples
"The Pavilion was a simple city, long and rectangular" (27) from Caleb Carr's The Alienist.
"I could smell Mama, crisp and
starched, plumping my pillow, and the cool muslin pillowcase touched both my ears as the back of my head sank into all those feathers" (112) from Robert Newton
Practice
Choose one of the following sentences and improve it by adding adjectives out of order.
1.The woman smiled with pride upon her newborn great-grandson.
2.The boxer felt no compassion for his contender.
3.The cheetah stared at the gazelle that would soon be his dinner.
Active Verbs
Eliminate passive voice and reduce being verbs.
The image is like a still photograph
with the subject of the action frozen
with the prepositions by or with.
Examples of passive voice
The runaway horse was ridden into town by an old, white-whiskered
rancher.
The grocery store was robbed by
two armed men.
Active voice
The old, white-whiskered ranger rode the runaway horse into town.
Two armed men robbed the grocery
store.
Being Verbs
being verbs slow the action and tend to link complements that tell rather than show.
improve the power of your
sentences by replacing as many
being verbs as possible, often by
creating an appositive.
For example
"The Nerk Knocker is a strange
mechanical contraption. It brews
coffee while beating a drum solo.“
An improved sentence
Both sentences could be combined into a single, more powerful
statement such as:
"The Nerk Knocker, a strange
mechanical contraption, brews
coffee while beating a drum solo."
Action Verbs
Being Verb: The gravel road was on the left side of the barn.
Action Verb: The gravel road
curled around the left side of the
barn.
Examples from Goose Moon by Shawn and Jerry
First Draft
Rockwell was a beautiful lake. Canada geese could be heard across the water bugling like tuneless trumpets. Near the shore, two children were hidden behind a massive maple tree. Watching quietly,
they hoped to see the first gosling begin to hatch. Tiny giggles escaped their
whispers of excitement.
Active Verbs
Final Draft
Rockwell Lake echoed with the sounds of Canada geese. Their honking bugled
across the water like tuneless trumpets.
Two children hid behind a massive maple tree. They silently watched, hoping to see the first gosling hatch. Tiny giggles
escaped their whispers of excitement (1).
Practice
Choose one of the following sentences and revise the passive verb to an active verb.
1.Rainsford was successful in foiling Zaroff's plans.
2.The football team was beaten by last year's championship team.
3.Near the school, young children were playing in the trees.