Assertive Communication

T

eamwork Tune-UP!

A 90-minute self-facilitated

team exercise on:

Assertive

Communication

Table of Contents 

Leaders Guide ... 3

Before, During & After the Tune-Up Meeting ... 3

Teamwork Tune-UP Outcomes & Agenda ... 4

What is Assertiveness? ... 5

Why is Assertiveness Important? ... 6

Passive, Assertive & Aggressive Styles ... 7

A 6-Step Method for Being More Assertive…. ... 8

Leaders Guide

Before Meeting

1. Choose Tune-UP! Leader and another person to be time-keeper.

2. Leader sets date for exercise and invites all team members. All team members participate. 3. Distribute materials to participants (website link and this package).

4. Ask team members to find 30 minutes before the workshop to review all materials as well as to watch the videos and be prepared to practice the skill during the Tune-UP exercise.

5. Leader reads and studies materials and decides either to use the assertive communication script on page 11 or to write a new one.

6. Leader determines who to pair up for the exercise. You want to think of the best combinations to ensure both learn. Announce the pairs in the workshop.

During Meeting

7. Present & clarify the Outcomes & Agenda (see below); time-keeper gently announce progress. 8. It is very important to make certain all understand the 6 step process. A good way to do this is to ask

a teammate to explain step 1 and then allow for a few others to comment. Pick another teammate to explain step 2 and yet another teammate to explain steps 3 & 4. This is a wonderful way to re-teach the concepts.

9. Role Play….don’t let people just brush this off. This is the most important part of the workshop. Practicing and receiving feedback is invaluable, so do your best to set this up as a possible and worthwhile exercise.

10. If you run out of time, postpone the “ask teammates for feedback” topic to another meeting. Every team member has something they can work on and the best place to find ideas to share would be in their individual performance review and/or development plan.

11. Reporting progress is much like giving positive reinforcement. Agree as a team how you will give it such as in private or in meetings.

After Meeting

12. Consider having a 2 minute “Tune-UP Moment” at the beginning of your meetings to reinforce some of the steps or to positively acknowledge a teammate who use the skill to benefit the team and themselves.

Teamwork Tune-UP Outcomes & Agenda

Outcomes 1. Clarify & Agree on what Assertive Communication is and is not in our team 2. Learn 6-step communication method

3. Practice giving an assertive message 4. Teammates ask for specific feedback offline 5. Agree on how to report individual progress Time 90 minutes

Participants 6 - 8 are ideal; more can participate but will take longer. Participant

Preparation

• Read this material

• Come prepared to practice giving an assertive message to a person who yesterday Poorly Facilitated a Team Meeting that did not go well

• Caution: .some people do everything they can to not practice…don’t allow

that…use your assertiveness skills to ensure that all participants practice. •

Rationale / Background

Giving positive & constructive teammate performance feedback is a key characteristic for creating and sustaining high-performance teamwork.

Steps to the exercise

1. Break out into pairs. Both will practice giving message.

2. Each participant must practice giving the scripted assertive message on page 9 or they deliver a new message on a relevant topic.

3. If you are receiving the message and if the speaker is not doing an adequate job, role play a 30-second of defensiveness to see if they can recover.

4. Receiver gives positive & constructive feedback

5. Switch…the person who gave feedback now receives feedback.

AGENDA Kick-off: present, clarify & understand Outcomes & rationale Watch video

Agree on what Assertiveness is & is not in “our” team Discuss & understand the 6-steps

Practice role playing

Teammates ask for feedback – round robin Agreement how to report progress

Close: +/U for meeting

2-3 min 12 min 10-15 min 15 min 25 min 15 min 5 min 5 min

Assertive Communications is a key characteristic of high-performance team players which

includes:

•

Sending a message

•

Listening to a message

•

Exhibiting ally attitude and behavior

This exercise addresses “sending” a message to a teammate about their work performance.

Assertive Communication

Do you have trouble giving some people constructive feedback, even when you really should? Do you feel like some people take advantage or walk all over you and/or your teammates? Do you have trouble keeping your temper under control or self-regulating when you are angry? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, learn & use assertive communication.

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others.

• It's not aggressiveness or passiveness; it's a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat.

• It's dependent on a feeling of self-worth, a sense that if you behave in a certain way, something predictable will occur.

• Where does non-assertive behavior come from?

Many of us are taught we should always please and/or defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our own needs above those of others, and /or that we shouldn't "make waves." Additionally, many of us were taught that if someone says or does something that we don't like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future. This is the passive response.

Others have been taught that the only way to get ahead is to embrace that it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there….that no matter what happens to others you must win your fair share. This is the aggressive response.

Why

is

Assertiveness

Important?

If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience ---

1. Resentment --- Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of you and others. 2. Frustration --- How could I be such a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize me?

3. Temper/violence --- The victimizer can't express anger appropriately, it builds up & blows. 4. Depression --- Anger turned inward creates helplessness; a sense of no control over your life. 5. Anxiety --- Which leads to avoidance…which leads to being isolated by your teammates, which

leads to…

6. Poor relationships of all kinds.

Non-assertive people are often unable to express emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. It's murder for a relationship when teammates can't tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them.

Selective Assertiveness

Most people find it easier to be assertive in some situations than in others. This makes perfect sense. It's a lot easier to hold your ground with a stranger than with someone you love who might get angry if you express your true feelings.

But the more important the relationship is to you, the more important it is to be assertive.

Assertive behaviors lead to increased respect from others, their willingness to see you as a person who respects him/herself, a worthwhile person, and a more loveable person!

Is assertiveness always the best way to go?

Before you act assertively in a given situation, decide if you can live with the consequences. Although assertive behavior usually results in positives, some people react negatively to it.

For example, if your boss or coworker is completely unreasonable and is known to go ballistic if anyone dares question his orders, even non-aggressive, respectful, assertive behavior might set him off and you could jeopardize your job or career.

If that's your situation, then you may decide you can't afford to be assertive, and learn other stress management techniques.

Situation:

Poorly Facilitated Meeting

A teammate has taken the job of planning & facilitating team meetings.

He is nervous, but committed to doing a good job. It is seen as a growth opportunity. At the end of the meeting, he asks for constructive feedback.

Below are simple examples of the three styles.

Passive

Assertive

Aggressive

“Well, I think you did OK”

“When David & I continued to have side conversations, you did not tell us to stop even after we agreed to do so in the ground rules.”

“I’m getting really fed up with all the side conversations. They are rude and you should have stopped them.”

“I’m not sure what to say except that we all talked about some good things.”

“At the beginning of the

meeting, you did a good job of explaining the ground rules and the agenda; however, you did not mention the meeting outcomes. It would have been best to present, clarify and gain agreement on those before we moved into the meeting content.”

“I was lost for the first 30-minutes because you totally forgot about announcing the meeting outcomes. If it hadn’t been for George asking you, we probably would have rambled for an hour.”

“I’ll pass. I have nothing to add.” (…even though you can sense they want to say something.)

“When you see that we’re going to run out of time if we keep talking about a particular topic, I suggest you ask the group if it is OK to continue and if their answer is yes, ask them do you take time away from other topics or do we extend the meeting?”

“You are a hopeless timekeeper. Next time, someone else should keep it for you.”

A 6-Step Method for Being More Assertive….

1.

Set a positive stage.

a. Affirm you are open and want to collaborate with the other person(s).

b. Your intention is to approach the situation with openness and a desire to “heal”, not to “get your way, attack, manipulate or prove a point”.

2.

Describe the situation in a neutral way

(as separate from your feelings).

b. Use specific vs. relative terms; use observable data vs. interpretations c. Do not use judgments or pejorative words.

• A good example: “While we were working together on the XYZ project, you called Samantha and negotiated a deadline before talking with me first.”

• A poor example: “You took over the project and started making decisions without considering anybody else’s schedule”

d. It’s always a good idea to write this down ahead of time, so you can communicate your position cleanly and with clarity, without accusing or blaming.

e. Caution: improper tone-of-voice or poor body language will hurt even a properly worded

message.

3.

Express how you feel using “I” statements (not “I feel that you...”).

• A good example: “I’m feeling very hurt and invalidated because you didn’t ask for my input on this.” • A poor example: “You never ask me for my input” or “You don’t think I know anything about XYZ.” b. This is also good to write out ahead of time, because people are often too general, too vague, or not

really aware themselves of what they are feeling.

4.

Say what it is you want for yourself (NOT what you want the other person(s) to do).

a. For example, “I want to have input in setting deadlines for projects I’m working on. How can we make that happen?”

b. It is important to not go on and on. Say it and then be quite…and listen using reflective and paraphrasing techniques.

5.

Listen to the other person(s) with an open mind and heart.

a. (Steps 2, 3 & 4 would be a good way for the other person to phrase/structure their response.)

6.

Explore possible solutions & make agreements.

a. Often times, it is prudent to write down your agreements and also agree to review your progress from time to time.

Situation: In the above

Poorly Facilitated Meeting

A Passive person will not give unsolicited feedback.

Assertive Aggressive

Set Stage “John, may I speak with you about our

team meeting yesterday?” “John, I need to talk to you.”

Describe in Neutral Way

“At the beginning of the meeting, you did a good job of explaining the ground rules and the agenda; however, you did not mention the meeting outcomes.

“I was lost for the first 30-minutes because you totally forgot about announcing the meeting outcomes. If it hadn’t been for George asking you, we probably would have rambled for an hour.”

How you feel

“I felt uneasy and a bit worried for you.”

“I was really frustrated but I didn’t saying anything because it was your first time at facilitating.”

What you want

“What I would like would be to hear and agree upon the meeting

outcomes at the beginning so I know what I can expect and what I need to do in the meeting. Would that be OK with you?

“….but you need to make certain to do it the right next time. You know what I mean?”

Listen

“Yes, I understand you were nervous.

I was too the first time I facilitated.” …walks out door.

New Agreement

“How about this….if you forget in next week’s meeting, I’ll interrupt in a professional way and suggest it. Is that OK with you?

Assertiveness Chart of Emotions

When making an assertive statement, it is extremely important to accurately reflect the emotion you are feeling, as well as to capture the intensity level of that feeling. These emotions were excerpted from Robert Bolton, People Skills. The following chart has been provided to help you more accurately describe what you’re feeling to another.

Levels of Intensity

Love Joy Sadness Anger Fear Confusion Weakness

Strong Adore Love Cherish Devoted Ecstatic Elated Overjoyed Jubilant Desolate Anguished Despondent Depressed Violent Enraged Furious Angry Seething Terrified Horrified Panicky Desperate Bewildered Disjointed Confused Muddled Crushed Helpless Done for Washed up Mild Affection Desirable Friend Like Turned on Happy Cheerful Up Glum Blue Sad Out of sorts Mad Frustrated Aggravated Frightened Scared Apprehensive Alarmed Mixed-up Foggy Baffled Lost Powerless Vulnerable Inept Unqualified Weak Trusted Accepted Cared for O.K. Glad Good Satisfied Contented Below par Displeased Dissatisfied Low Irritated Annoyed Put out Perturbed Worried On edge Nervous Timid Undecided Unsure Vague Unclear Weak Ineffective Feeble

It is extremely important to know, understand and quickly see in day-to-day communication the difference between relative vs. specific and/or observable vs. interpretative comments.

Relative is non-specific; it can be interpreted as judgmental, evaluative or interpretative.

Specific and observable is what you see or hear (our 2 senses) and is key to saying the truth in a neutral way (Step 2).

What are some relevant examples of these concepts in your team?

Relative vs. Specific Observable vs. Interpretation

Relative Specific Observable Interpretation

Good attitude You smiled at me You said “NO!” You are angry

Bad attitude You growled at me I saw you smile at me You are trying to help

Good performer Your thorough report You stopped him Prevented an incident

Bad performer You left out key data You turned your

back to him

You want to avoid talking to him

Assertive Communication Worksheet

Poorly Facilitated a Team

Meeting – yesterday

This is the scripted message to use in your practice exercise

Other topics:

• Side bar conversations,

• Bitching / venting attitude,

• Blaming / saying it will not work

• Leaving early / coming late

• Dominating personality

1.

Set a positive stage.

2.

Describe the situation

in a neutral way

“At the beginning of the meeting, you did a good job of explaining the ground rules and the agenda; however, you did not mention the meeting outcomes.

3.

Express how you feel

using “I” statements

(not “I feel that you...”)

.

“I felt uneasy and a bit worried for you.”

4.

Say what it is you want

for yourself

“What I would like would be to hear and agree upon the meeting outcomes at the beginning, so I know what I can expect and what I need to do in the meeting. Would that be OK with you?

5.

Listen to the other

person(s) with an open

mind and heart.

“Yes, I understand you were nervous. I was too the first time I facilitated.”

6.

Explore possible

solutions & make

agreements.

“How about this….if you forget in next week’s meeting, I’ll interrupt in a professional way and suggest it. Is that OK with you?