Maybe

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1-1-2007

Maybe

Kara Canal

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MAYBE

KARA CANAL

THESIS

Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Master of Fine Art

in Imaging Arts; Rochester Institute of Technology, submitted May 14, 2007.

Angela Kelly

Angela Kelly, Committee Chair

Date

Dan Larkin

Dan Larkin, Committee Member

Date

Patti Ambrogi

'2-oD/

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f-Maybe Thesis abstract KaraCanal

Maybeconsistsof aninstallationspace _embracingthreevideoprojections,each

presentingtheviewerwitha series ofdistilledmoments.

Every

connected elementinthe

installationprovides an_{opportunity for}engagement withthe intangiblememoriesof

adolescence. Thevideo pieces presentfragmentsofnarratives andinviteviewerstofill

inthe gaps withtheir own_memories,reflections and experiences. Thepoint of viewof

thecameraineach video positionsthevieweras avoyeur and assuchtheviewers are

grantedthe_opportunityto_pause,consider and_reflect, and

hopefully

realize _something

new aboutthemselveswhile _{participating in}theactions contained whererepetition,

Realityiscontinuous, multiple,simultaneous, complex, abundant and_{partly invisible.}

The imaginationalone canfathomthisanditreveals itsfathomingsthrough art.

1.Introduction

videostillfrom Dream

My thesisproject, Maybe, consists of aninstallationspace_embracing aneon_sign,

an_emptywall with_emptyphoto_frames, andthreevideoprojections, each_presentingthe

viewer with a series ofdistilledmoments.

Every

connected elementintheinstallation

provides an_{opportunity for}engagement withthe intangiblemoments ofnostalgia. The

videopieces presentunfulfillednarratives and inviteviewersto fill inthegapswiththeir

own_memories,reflections andexperiences. Thepoint of view ofthecameraineach

video positionsthe viewer as a voyeur and as suchtheviewers are grantedthe

opportunitytogaze withoutfearof

being

caughtwhile_{participating in}theactions

contained where_{repetition, sensuality} andlossare played outwithout resolve.

Thework engagesnarrativeelements presentedwith alightness and(at_times)

laughterthatisnotpresentin myown past. Inthis_thesis, I haverecast_my

history,

re-imagine.

My

thesisworkwas an explorationthatallowedmeto recontextualize_my

memories and experiences.

My

interestinself-portraiture, memoryand childhood were

fusedinthe_creatingof_Maybe, andthroughthe workIreconciled facetsof_my past

history

and present story.

The developmentof_mythesiswork camefrom adesireto

deeply

explore

narrative, memory andchildhood. _However, Iwantedtocreate a personal workthat

wouldresonatebeyondthepersonal_itself, toaddressthelargerconstructof childhood

memoryand narrative.

My

thesisexhibitionand_{installation, Maybe,} isanamalgamation

ofideas fromthepast_{two years,} as well as reflections ontheconfluenceof_adolescence,

identity

and sensuality. Maybe isnot about one specific event or_story asitisrootedin

memory, and as such can _{only be}a collage of gestures. Inthis_{way, it is many fragments}

thatcombine and overlap. Theprocess of_creatingmythesisproject was a process of

building

upandthen_{carefully peeling away images. The images I} selectedtoshowfor

thesisexplored combinedto tellstories inadifferent way to and shareimagesthat"do

not existin isolation butspeak backandforthto one

another"

(Watson, 14). Thevideos

are notintendedtobe viewedsingularly, asthe _meaningoftheworkIcreatedfor_Maybe,

evolvesinthespaces _{in between watching}one video to thenext. The storycomesfrom

thecollaboration ofimages_connectingwiththeviewer. "Withouta_story,without an

unfolding, thereisno

meaning"

2. PhotographsPast

KingChristopher, Philadelphia,2001

Before I beginto talkabout_myvideo_works,it is necessary formetorewind and

explore_{my relationship}to _photography and art_making which_{informed my}

journey

to

video. I began photographingwhile under

deep

_analysis; I havealways considered_my

photographstobeself-portraits. _{Learningphotography concurrently} whilein

psychoanalysismadethiscorrelation simple_{to grasp,} but difficultto explain. I had found

a new_way ofcommunicating, alanguage ofimagesthattoldstoriesabout_my

unconscious mind.

My

photographs_{revealed,confessed,} and spokeformewhenIhad

no words. The GermanpoetRainer Maria Rilkespeaks to thisnotion ofwordlessnessin

Letterstoa

Young

Poet:

Thingsare not so comprehensibleand expressibleas one would_mostlyhave us_believe;

mostevents areinexpressible, takingplace ina realmthatno wordhasever_entered, and

My

earliestblack andwhite photographsare_{unquestionably} self-portraits.

Inspirationtocreate arises_{from my memories,} desiresandsubjectivity. Theworkdoes

not possess a specific narrativethatcanbepinneddown. Rather, ittakesfrom many

sources, andis_fragmented, orcollaged. The images I was_making wereprojections.

They

were placeswhere"emotionsor

wishes"

that I sometimeshad

difficulty

acknowledging, were

"relocated" or

"projected"

in mywork(Childers, 246). Thereby,

my workbecomesamirror. Allthatwent unexpressed reappears and voicesitselfin my

images. The_images,taken_together,tell a_storyof what I was_thinking,

feeling

and

experiencing. The stories_they speakare at_{times anachronistic,}

blending

and_recreating

past and_present, real and_{imaginary, allowing my}unconsciousto beunlocked.

The unconscious seems analogousto raw, unedited video. It silently stores all of

our_{emotions, dreamsand realities. It}captures our lifeinways similarto themagic

realism genre in literature. Magic realismauthors_"interweave, inan_{ever-shifting pattern,}

a_sharply etched realismin representing ordinary events anddescriptive details together

withfantastic anddreamlike_elements, aswellaswith materialsderived frommythand

fairy

tales"

(Fletcher). Magicrealismdraws from realityand conflatesitwiththe

mythological or_{collective,enriching}the storieswitha_complexitythatis_{simultaneously}

paradoxical,poignant andhyperreal. Magicrealism isanother_wayof_explainingthe

connectionsbetween art_making andthesubconscious. Whenthecreative mind

rummagesthroughitselftofind inspiration itpullsfromthe storiesthatwe _{already know}

to compliment,or subvert. Considerthispassage from Milan Kundera's The Unbearable

Lightness_of

Being

wheretheauthorintroduces Tomas (will beone ofthe main

characters)

by

reflectingon hisartisticprocessof_{visualizing him:}

/ havebeen_thinkingaboutTomas for manyyears. But_{only in}the_{light of}thesereflectionsdid Iseehim

clearly. Isawhim standingatthewindow_{ofhis flat}and_lookingacrossthecourtyardattheopposite

walls,not_knowingwhattodo.

Kunderaplaceshimself insidethe structure ofthenarrative, asboththeauthoras

wellas_{the observer,}and inso

doing

thereaderisgiventhedual pleasure of_seeingthe

world throughtheeyesofKunderathe author, Kunderathenarrator inthe _story, aswell

as Kunderainthevoice ofthecharactersinthe story. Magicrealismisabout multiple

streams of_narrative, thatflow inand out of each other_{to compliment,}reveal and add

tensiontoeachother.

My

intentionto blendthefantastical withtherealisticleadmeto explore _video,as

working/thinking invideo providedme withthe_opportunityto_visually editideasinways

atthe time in_photography forme.

Editing

_moving images madetheconnection to

narrativemore immediate forme.

Galatea,Philadelphia, 2001

Ourunconscious stores all ofour_emotions,dreamsandrealities. Weneverhave

enoughtime_{to pause,} rewindoreditour actions. To doso wouldbeagainstour_nature,

or_desire, as our_tendencyistomoveforwardso muchfallsunexamined.

Theevolution/process of_my workisrelatedto theprocessof

discovering

the

unexpected of_seeingthe unseen. I view_mywork asanalogousto the thrillof

looking

at whatthecameracaptured unknowingly. Thereexistsin almost_everyphotographa

magic spot,afavoriteglimmer oflight,a slant ofthe_body, acaprice captured it issuch

photography is inits innateabilitytorecordtheun-conscious/seen. As Marianne Hirsch

explainsin her book

Family

Frames: Photography, Narrative, andPostmemory:

Thecamerais likepsychoanalysis. Thereareoptical processesthatare invisibleto the

eye; themechanical processes of_photographycan exposethem. The cameracanreveal

whatwe seewithout_realizingthatwe _do,justaspsychoanalysis can uncover what we

knowwithout

knowing

thatwedo: what isstored intheunconscious...justas

psychoanalysis canreveal unconsciouscontentthrough theformal and precisetechniques

ofthetherapeuticencounter(118).

The same enchantmentthatappearstomanifestinside_photography,also existsin

videowork. Throughoutthepasttwoyears of_{exploring photography}and video, I

objectively knewwhatIwas _{doing/making,} therest wasleftto_myunconsciousto work

out. I have faith in

following

_{my intuition,} and onthe

deep

connectionsbetween

creativityand analysis. I found mypath whenI leastexpected it. _My workdialogues

with_itself,and whatI was_thinkingand_{exploring is}connectedforme. Thefinal

body

of

workthatcomprisedMaybe isa workthatIam confident required_my

letting

go. The

video worksin Maybeare a processtowards_{understanding} whatIknowwithout

knowing

a_story ofthe unseen,or unspeakable inside of me.

That said, myartis_{autobiographical,}yetnot so_specificallythatthevieweris

excluded. Onthecontrary,Ibelieve myworkImade for Maybeallowsformultiple

opportunities fortheviewertoparticipate andidentify. Although I make workabout

myself,I am aware of_myaudience, andhopeto

develop

adialoguethatincorporatesnot

onlymyvoice and_my memories,butalsothatof a collective_{understanding}of

experience.

Allof_my workexistsas amirror, andcansee me more_clearlythanIcan see

myself. Perhapsviewers who engage with_mywork_may seethings about myself(and

themselves)thatI amblindto. Itisthis possibility forknowledgeoftheunknownthat

spurns me ontocontinue creating.

By

_exploring video I was ableto use myself

(my

body)

topush myselftoexperienceunfamiliarterrainandtoexplore specific questions of

identity. _{In my}photographicworkI lookedoutside myselfto seemyself. _{With my}video

workI lookedtomyselfto see myself. Withavideo cameraI wasabletowatch myself

3.

Watching

Myself: Video Explorations

>o V Cowe Home_A-Drinking (With_Lovingon YourMind),

From ATara Karaoke_project,2002-3

Before I begantheactual_{thesis project,} I made several relatedexplorationsin

video. The explorationsImade _clearlyreflect _my

journey

from theliteralto the

symbolic.

My

earliestvideos were more_concrete,and haveadefinitive_beginning,

middle and end.

My

thesis videoworkis looser in _structure,and ismore concerned with

presenting a cohesive whole out offragmented parts each video informsthenext and

theconversationthat_they evoke iswhere the_{meaning is located.}

As previously stated, my earlyphotographs were mirrors.

They

weredocuments

of_my surroundingsthatseemedto speakto me about _loss,absence and

femininity

imagesthatillustratedthe _storyof_my psychoanalysis. The sameprocessthatworked so

well asa_wayof_{making meaning in photography did}not translateinvideo. Ihadto

search out a new systemofimagemaking. _{Video making became}aseparate processfor

me.

Photographing was about_{exploring my}environment and_uncovering invisible

signs. Ididnotmake photographs of_my friendsor_myself, butusedthestreets and

strangersofPhiladelphiato standin formyself.

Making

the switchto workexclusively

in video

during

graduate school encouragedmetoconstructanew methodof_working,

with myself as_myprinciple subject.

Working

invideo provided mewitha new_wayof_{approachingmaking}meaning.

In myphotographic workIfelt at animpasse. I was_tryingtograpple withnarrative, but

intheprocessthe images felt_forced, and insincere. Video granted me newness of

approach, andwith_{this newness,} an_opportunitytocommunicate inanew language.

Moving

imagesmotivated me toseean alternative_waytocreate ina newdirection.

Whilevideotrainedmetobe encouragedinadifferent_way,the workI made

were still the samemirrors and self-portraits. The opportunitytomakethesamework in

anew_medium, to_say thesame _thing inadifferent_form,allowedme adifferentground

toreflect on. InvideoI recorded_{mylife,myself,my friends,my reality} I captured

glimpses, stillsfromthe_story of_{my life.}

Subsequently

_myrecent photographsare able

tobewhat_theyare because Iwasable toreconciledisparateparts of_{my creativity}

through_workingwith video. Inowbelieve thatIneededtowalk_{away from}

photographing tobecomethephotographerthatI am now.

I am thankful thatI did notlimitmyself_{to photography}and allowed myselfthe

freedomto explore other media until Iarrived at_mythesiswork.

FirstVideo Explorations/Experimentations

My

firstvideo was

Happy

_{Ending. The}three-minute videois setto a

bubbly

_pop

songas peoplebounce inand outofthescreen seen _{sitting in}theirbedseating. Thepiece

wasinspired

by

Yoko Ono's_early conceptual videosthatshemadewhile partofthe

FluxusMovement.

Fluxusemerged outof_Dadaism,and artiststhat wereinvolvedwiththe

movement_{"valued simplicity} over

complexity"

andbelievedthatart couldbemade out

ofanything. Allart_wishingtobe alignedwiththe Fluxuxmovement shouldbe

concerned withtheintersectionofdisparatemedia and_ideas, andbe _{simple, fresh,} and

fun. Yoko wasinterested in her_impulses,and hadsuchconfidence in her ideasthat she

sawthem through. Yoko's _{fearlessness,}playfulness and confidencein her creativity

inspired meto trustmyself(in a new_medium)to be_simple, fresh andfun.

33

stillfrom_HappyEnding,2002

The conceptfor_Happy

Ending

was uncomplicated: I asked_{my friends in my}

graduate cohorttoeattheirfavorite food in bed intheirunderwear. Thepiecelooks

carefree and _light, andreferencesMTV'svideo aesthetic. Itisa reflection on

consumption, pleasure, and desire,and _ultimatelywithAmerica's preoccupationwith

orality. Overindulgences infood, _talkingor material consumption allfallunderthe

FreudianconceptofOralFixation. Althoughthisnotionwasnot_{my intention in} making

Happy

Ending, it becameclearthat thevideo was morethan thesum ofits_parts, and_my

video explorationbecame moreofa social commentthanmereplay.

The abilitytoproduceabrightand colorful _{visually appealing}work was

somethingthat Ihadnever accomplishedbefore. The processof_creating

Happy

Ending

allowed meto learnseveral lessons. Through_{trusting my instincts I}wasabletocraft a

video workthatwas _{objectively bright}and bold. Icreated a piecethatwasintotal

oppositionto _my stillblackandwhitephotographicwork.

Meaning

was

initially

thought

to_{be simply in}theprocess, butthiswas not_entirely so. The_{deeper meaning}was

(initially

latentto_me)manifestedupon reflection and dialogue. Apatternof_setting

course inonedirectionand_arriving at an unintended position isthe threadthat connects

all of_my art_{making processes,}

The video worksthatIwasinvolvedwith_makingare all _equally asimportantto

the finalthree thatI selectedto showin mythesisexhibition. Thevideosthat Iwas

workingonin betweenand _concurrentlywith_mythesisvideos are all part ofthe

developmentof_my artisticconfidence,exploringand

listening

until_myworkbeganto

have adialogue withitself.

By

_{seeing how}certain video pieces amplified or

complimented eachother, I begantosee patterns emerge andthemesrepeat.

Radiohead'sCreep,from Kara Karaokeproject,2002-3

My

videos are

largely

about

feeling

out and_performing

identity

(andvanity). In

theKara KaraokeseriesI shotmyself_veryclose_upand_sang

directly

intothe camera. I

selected_popsongsthatallowedmetoexpress a range of emotions and identities. Each video is stylistically similar,buteachlooksandfeels distinctiveasI triedondifferent personasin song. I made myself_myown superstarin_{these videos;} I becomea

simulationof asimulation. Inthe shadowof

Cindy

Sherman performing for hercamera,I

dressed up andperformedfor myvideocamera. Iplayed with

identity

not_onlywith

clothes and

lighting

decisions, butalso with _songchoices.

Trying

on (often opposing)

identities urged metoquestion_my personal

ideology

of self andthe boundariescrossed overandmaintainedto compliment and complete a complex singular personality.

Asis true_{for many}artists Imost admire(GillianWearing, Pipilotti Rist,Jo

Spence, Hannah_Wilke,Francesca_Woodman,

Tracey

Emin,Karen_Kilimnik) Iam

interestedin howwe locatetruthinouridentities. Videos and photographsare "an

interpretationoftheworld"

and

being

interpretations, howmuch residue ofthe real

remains? _(Sontag, 17). Howmuchtruthiseverpresent inart works?

By documenting

do we_{subtly subtract an essence oftruth? In}

Cry, I recordedmyself_{extremely close-up}

while crying. Thetearswere_real, butwhendoneinfrontofthecameraI wonder what

changed? Where didthe line blur betweenperformance and genuine emotion? The

experience of_shootingmyself while _crying of_capturinga rawnessof

feeling

was

cathartic,butthe

boundary

between_authenticityand performance is difficultto tease

apart.

In_performingmyselfIhave adocumentof_mypainand _upset,butmoreessential

wastheprocess of_watchingmyself outside_myself, and_watchingothers reactto the

experience of_watchingme.

Cry

isa_necessarycomponent oftheexplorationprocessthat

went onbehindthescenes in workingtowardsMaybe. Thetearsthatareunseenin

Maybeareperhapswhat give it itsweight. _Again, the idea inthe "invisiblepresentinthe

visible"

surfaces.

Reflecting

onthe

body

of workI created overthepasttwoyearsthepunctum

(Roland Barthe'stermfor

feeling

"pricked"

or

"bruised"

by

an

image)

islocatedhere in

Cry. Suchvisceral and up-close andobviouspainisnot atall apparentin mythesis

body

ofwork,yetthe tearsare

floating

around_it,

lurking

inthebackground. It istheabsence

ofdiscernable emotionin Maybethatinfuses itwith wonder.

Maybeis arecreationof a specificmomentin myadolescenceinthree fragments

(three videos) andas such seeks notto tella_story,butto presentemotions. Viewed as a

whole, eachvideo colorsthe next, andcombinestopicturea_memory,abreathora sigh

ofadolescence.

Final Walk-Through

Forget MeNot,2002

My

nextthreevideoswere shown

during

_{my final}Walk-Through. Eachshort

video possessed adifferentfeel and approach. I was

investigating

_myoptions withvideo,

still _searchingoutthe_boundaries, and_{experimenting} more

freely

with _sound,place,

narrative andrepetition.

ForgetMeNot,2002

Forget MeNotwasasilent shortthatshowed me_{meticulouslymaking}myself_up

in frontofthemirror andthen_{slipping into}abathtub

fully

dressed. The short videohas

anambiguous ending.

Why

didIgetintothe tub? Did I drown myselfOphelia-style?

Did I slipdownthe_{drain? Was it} a_dream? Was itmeanttomaketheviewer laugh?Feel

sad?

I was_tinkeringwith_filmicgenre,

specificallytheLouise Brooksfilmsfromthe

1930's. I was_enactingthe role ofthe _exquisitelymade _upheroinein myownsilent

movie. Iperformedtherole ofthe

lady

in_waiting,onlyto submergemyself

finally

inthe

bathtub. In Forget Me Not Iaddressed _vanity,female _identity, aswellas_my own

discomfortwith_myappearanceand strict adherenceto

beauty

_rituals, and ofthepressure

(imaginedor_not)to presentan ideal image.

I returnedto_thinking ofYoko_Ono,

finding

confidenceinmyselfto make another

video basedon a simple idea. Theresult _{was, again,} avideopiecewhose questions are

largerthanI couldhaveanticipated. WiththispieceIwas

feeling

morecomfortable

working with_video,

intuitively

_givingovertheprocessto_my unconscious.

Hymn,2002

The secondvideo I workedonfor my final walkthroughstandsout as

being

the

most unlike all of_my other videosbeforeor since. For Hymn I crosscutfootage of water

bothmanmade

(carwash)

and natural(Niagara Falls).

By

_manipulating thespeed and

addingsound Iabstractedthetwo_waterysubjects. Thepiece isoutside of_myother work

as it isthe_onlypiecethatdoesnothave me(orother women _standingin_{for me) in it.}

The video isa_meditation,a_silence,andahymn. Ithasrhythm, but itspeaks adifferent

languagethanall of_myother videos. _However,therhythm and repetitionthatitcarries

ispresent within allof_myvideos. Hymnstandsas a pauseorabridge between_my

earliervideo workand _mythesisworkto come.

My

lastvideothat I showedfor finalWalk-Through was aprelude to thepath that

I wouldfollowwith_mythesis work. Dream isavideo I madeinspired

by

adream.

Previously, Ididnot_{consciously make}

anything

directly

from mydreams. Thisvideo

remainsthe

key

to_{understanding}alargepart of_my thesis. In Dream a_{faceless young}

woman, dressed similarly toAlice in_{Wonderland, slowly} walks_alongan_empty cold

shore. Sheis involved in a ritual a ritual of

digging

_{up fresh} rosesfromunderneaththe

earth. Sherepeatsthisprocess over and_over, untilshe can nolonger hold her bouquet.

The video repeats.

SigmundFreudwrites aboutacomplex calledtherepetition compulsion. The

repetition compulsion"endeavorstomakethepsychictraumareal to livethrough once

more a repetition of_{it... especially in}the tendenciesof small

children"

(Freud, 131). The

"re-living"

ofatrauma throughmemories or actionswill continuewithout enduntilthe

recognition isaccepted thatfearof an unknown future (withoutthepain of_repetition) can

be embraced.

Repetition in myvideowork canbeunderstood in lightofFreud'srepetition

compulsion.

My

videosareconcerned with repetition(in actions aswellas

literally

looping)

and _obsessively

looking

backwards_{for inspiration from my} past.

Attempting

to

look beyondthe past andforwardto an unknownfuture (freeofthe stains of

uncomfortable _{memories) is}what isworked outintheprocess ofcreating.

Clinging

to

memory stagnates me_emotionallyand artistically. The

inability

to _{stop repeating}past

mistakes(mistakes of_{memoryobsession,} as_well)or_{replaying/reliving} pastemotions

induceparalysis. The repetitiveactions invideoisareflectionof_mypatterns of

thought over andover_mymind replaysthe pastuntil I can _skippastthe sournessofthe

overly sentimental(whichis_{destructive),}and move onwardto a placewherenostalgia

can betamed(andnot surrenderedto).

4. Thesis: Dresses_flutter, hands _cling, and_{legs swing}

Custom blueneon signin myhandwriting,from Maybe

Ititled_mythesis exhibition_Maybe, as it isa wordthatdenies immediate

resolution. Itisawordthatistemporary, as maybeleadstoan eventual yes or no.

Maybe isawordthatisinthemiddleand occupiesand ambiguousgroundwhere

possibilitiescan_tip forwardorback. Itisthismiddlegroundthat_my

body

knows best. I

am caught in_{the middle,}which is

intellectually

_{uncomfortable,} but emotionally familiar.

ThethreevideopiecesthatcompriseMaybealsohover inthemiddle ground. Eachvideo

teases in itsown_way, (the hopeof a_glimpse, orthehope of an_answer) andtotease isto

suggestapossible_{yes, but ultimately}notfollowthroughimmediately.._.but,maybe...

Maybe isan exploration invideothatsuggests anew _wayof_{understandingmy}

memoriesof_myadolescence. Themulti channel installationwas crafted _specificallyfor

thespacethatI secured atVisual Studies Workshop. The largespace allowed meto

continue _my explorationofscale. Eachvideowas projected inamanner specificto its

content, _{playing silently} and_singularly,

occupyingitsown room. Thespace provided me

withtworoomsjoined

by

ahallway.Aplace_{for viewing}each video was located inthe

firstroom, the

hallway

andinthe last (and

largest)

room.

Eachvideo_{Dream, Ride,} and

Swing

loopedand allare under5 minutes inlength

(Irecorded each video _usingadigitalvideo_camera, and editedthemall withFinal Cut

Pro). As with_photography, "scale ofthe

world"

is easily"fiddle[d]"

withinvideo

(Sontag,4). I usedthemechanismsof_close-uptosuggest distortedscale but also

"fiddled"

withsize/scale in how I electedtoproject each video. Scalewasan integral

componentto the exhibition. This diagramwill

help

to illustrate howeachvideo was

placed ina specificdesigntounderscore itsmeaning:

installation map

hallway

ride

8x5"

dream

2x3'

visualstudiesworkshop

april 2003

"Orderandtheexacttimefor

looking

are

imposed"

inthe layout_design,yetthere isno

one_way toencounterthe work_(Sontag, 5). Multipleways of_experiencingthework was

part oftheimpetus behind thearrangement. Each video relatesto thenext,the images

overlappingand

blending

inthe viewers mindwithout order.

Dreamwasthefirstvideothat theviewers encountered when_enteringthe

installation space. Thevideo wasprojected 5'x3'

directly

ontothe floorofthegallery.

Viewerscouldwalkaround andoverthevideo. Because itwas shot withalow

perspective,anddealtwith_uncovering and_recovering, itfeltnaturalto project onthe

floor. It isa piecethatisabout _{getting down}on your_{knees,getting}

dirty

and _searching

for_beauty, hopeandlife. Itrevives. Itrepeats.

stillfromRide,2003

Ride followed inthe_{adjoining hallway. The}video played opposite awallof_empty

pictureframes ina smallframed

5"x8"

monitor. Thisvideoshowedthesame _young

woman, againwithout

focusing

onher face rocking slowly backandforthon a red

playgroundhorse. Thevideo, likeDream, hasaslownessthatismysterious,as it isnota

speed inwhich we expect such actionsto occur. It movesback andforth, backandforth,

forever. The movementinthepieceis _simple,andcombined withthe videointhe last

roomitenlarges and echoes.

stillfromSwing,2003

Swing

was projected aroundthecorner fromride

directly

ontothelarge 12"xl5" wall.

Thetransitionfromtheminiaturetothe gigantic wasimportant. I wantedthe viewersto

takepiecesfromeachofthe twoprevious videosandthenend_{up in} alargeroom with

one enormous video. Swing, simply,isthe same _youngwoman _{swinging back}andforth.

The camera was positionedbehindthe swinger, sothepoint of viewisthatof a_voyeur, a

secret glimpse_upthedress isalmost granted. Theteaseofthe videoiswhere its strength

resides. I asktheviewertoimaginewhat_theythink_they should be seeing, and what_they

actuallyare seeing. Whatdo_they wantto see? Whatdo _theyseeinthe piece after_seeing

theprevioustwo? Howdo allthree ofthevideos interactwithinthe space?

A waytoreconcilethe threevideosistounderstandthat_theyall are

concerned with _{looking. Eachvideo relies onthepleasure wederive fromwatching.}

Laura

Mulvey

addressesthisscopophilic instinct (thepleasure involved in

looking

at

other people's

bodies)

famously

_{in herseminal}

essay, Visual PleasureandNarrative

Cinema.

Mulvey

usespsychoanalytic_theorytomake an argumentagainst Hollywood's

continual productionoffilmsthatplace womeninrolesthatsupportandreinforce how

society regards andlooksat women. _{Her essay is bound up}withthe Castration_Complex,

and she

boldly

_asserts, "therepresentation ofthefemalespeaks castration and_nothing

else"

(Mulvey, 362).

Women,accordingto_Mulvey, represent

bleeding

woundsto men _early

memoriesofboth horrorand fascination. Itisthe _memoryofhorrorthatactivatesthe

ambivalent attitudethatpatriarchal _society embodies.

Being

so _{simultaneously}attracted

to,and repulsed

by

womenhasresultedin a societalstructure_{that, frustrated,} fantasizes

and abhorswomen. Suchambivalence isreflected incinema.

"Cinemais an advanced representation _system; itposesquestionsofthewaysthe

unconscious structureswaysof_seeing and pleasurein looking"(362). Cinemaevolvedat

thesametimeas psychoanalysis. It isnowonderthat thetwoare so _naturallyenmeshed.

The twoshare alanguage,as wellas ahistoricalperiod. Ifcinemaisarepresentationof

our_unconscious,thenthequestion that_Mulvey asks: howcan onefightthe unconscious?

seems tobethe thrustofheressay.

Thirty

years _later, it seemsissues she raiseshave

remainedunresolved.

Hollywood is abarometerofthe"dominant ideologicalconceptsof

cinema"

(362). _Further, cinema isabarometerofdominantpatriarchalprerogatives. Thepower

of cinemais_{acknowledged,} and

Mulvey

seeksto usetheinnate powerofcinemato

politicallyaugmentthe dominantorder. Ifmainstream cinema goes

"unchallenged"

as

Mulvey

fearsthatHollywoodwill continueto "manipulate visual

pleasure"

to "reinforce

a masculinist ideology"(362).

Mulvey

anticipatesthat"alternativecinema

[can]

provide aspacefora

cinematobe bornthatisradical in botha politicaland anaesthetic senseand challenges

thebasic assumptions ofthemainstream film"(370). _Regrettably,mainstream cinema

has notyetbeen satisfactorily challenged. Alternative cinemahastakena_very

long

time

to surfaceas a seriousthreat to the Hollywood machine.

Only

_{now, thirty}yearslater,are

theirfilmsthat_actively compete against Hollywood'spredictable plotlines. Cinema

indeed hasthepowerto reinforce_{existing fascinations}and social _{constructions,}and

by

creating analternative cinemanew possibilities canbeproposed and/or adopted.

The construction of pleasureis a radical weapon. We cannot

destroy beauty

or

pleasure topromote change. Ifwe subtract visual pleasurefrom filmsthe

industry

would

come to a_{grinding halt. Cinema}isvisual pleasure.

Fiction offers an escape. Whenthe general public goesto a_gallery,museum or

theatre,theydo soto beeducated, entertained andamused. Thepower of visual pleasure

can be usedto seduce_{the viewer,}but itcan be dealtwithinwaysthatdonot adhereto

thesupport of patriarchical ideals.

I say use visual pleasure againstitself. Usethelureof womento seduceandto

then_subtletyassertidealsthatrail against_patriarchy ifthisisthefilmmaker's/video

maker's goal. To subtract

beauty

fromcinemaistoendcinema. Idid notmake_my

videoswiththeaim of_supportinga_specifically male gaze. As afemale artist who uses

movingimagestoconvey meaning,I haveconsidered

Mulvey

's call forcinemathatcan

reconstruct and repairhow_society views women. What happenswhenawoman

constructstheimagethatisprojectedonto a screen_especially whenthe subjectsthatshe

choosesto show are women engagedin actsthatare _undeniably sexualized? What

responsibilitydo Ihave as afemaleartistto show womeninadifferentway?

Luckily

E. Ann Kaplan has answeredthisdilemma forme

by highlighting

how

Mulvey

's essay failstoaddresshowproblematic counter-cinema_{in actuality}wouldbe.

Mulvey

also failstoadmitthatHollywood filmsdo indeed

bring

pleasureto women

viewersdespite thefactthat_{they do rely} ontheofttimesunfavorable_positioningof

womento elicit suchpleasure.

Through_{the theis work,} I am not_takingontheweight_{renegotiating}themale_gaze; I was

simply showing imaginedrituals and gestures. _Myconsciousdecisionto leave out_any

indicationof specific

identity

(I never showed_any

faces)

supports_{my idea}of_making

piecesthatcould not _onlycohere _{stylistically,}butalsoto make another spaceforthe

viewer/readertoprojectthemselvesmore_{easily into} theimages. Ididnot usethe

close-up ofabeautifulfemale _face;I usedthe_close-upof gestures.

Gestures are "consideredtobe thefirst form of_language, and as such_they can

teachus aboutthenature oflanguage" _(Childers, 126). _{By removing}wordsand sound I

wantedto_{do exactlythis-strip}down languageto itsprimitiveform. Weknowgestures

aswell asweknowourownlanguage. It is a separatelanguagethatwe are allfluent_in,

weneed _onlyto pause andreflect on gesturesto seetheweightthat_they can_simply

convey. Gesturesmimic or standinforwords, theydo not need_words,but_theyrely on

them, muchlikecinema andanalysis.

"Theprocessof cinema mimicsin _manywaysthoseofthe

unconscious" (Kaplan,

314). Thereexists a reciprocal_{relationship between}what I _{unconsciously}wishto tell

and whatI actualdotell. The unexpected the surprisethatisinherentinallof_my

videos engagesthiselemental principle. _Furthermore, "ifpsychoanalysisisatool that

will unlockthe_meaningof

dreams,

it should alsounlockthatoffilms"(315).

The samelanguagethatweuseto describeourdreams isusedtodescribe films.

Thisisno coincidence. 1895 wasthe yearthatsawthebeginnings ofbothcinema and

psychoanalysis. "Thesetwopowerful ways of_seeing and

knowing

theworld appeared

together towards theend ofthenineteenth

century"

(LeBeau,2).

They

aretwins_{in many}

ways.

They

_rely on oneanother. Filmandanalysis are lessconcerned with surfacethan

theyarewiththeunseen. Theunderground, the _back-stage,theunconsciousiswhere

truth is located.

5. The End

fe'

"

stillfromDream,2003

Maybe,hovers inanambiguous state.Itrefusestopromiseordeny. It

embodiestheexistentandimaginary. Theworkdoesnotpossess a specific _narrative;

ratherit isasuggestion ofactionsthat_rely onthe

interplay

ofimagesto complete

individual meaning foreachviewer. Itswingsbetween reality and_fiction,andexists asa

"duplicate world, of a_{reality in}the second_degree, narrowerbutmore dramatic"thanlife

(Sontag, 52).

The _{best way for}metoapproach_talking aboutthisworkisto firstsuggestthat_my

words are not meantto decodewhatIhave made.Rather I believethat_my wordsare

parallelwiththeworkI havemade.

My

wordsdonot runintothe videos, theystand

along sidethem. _{Maybe is subjectively} about_{rebirth, reawakening, renewal,}and

re-arrival.

Theprocess of repetition _(looping)can, with each_revolution, allowfor imagesto

changetheirmeaning. Repetitioncan _mesmerize, lullandtake theviewer somewhere

else. This isone of_my goals in creating to invitetheviewerto placesunknown or

unexpected. To havethemremember_somethingaboutthemselvesthat_they forgotandto

suggest a new_way of_rememberingandknowing.

My

graduate workhasfocusedonmemory, identity, and lossand adolescence.

Thesearethe thingsI knowbest. Thework in Maybe leanstowardsan inflationofideas

about_memoryand

identity

withnotions of_sexuality andchildhoodmemories. IfI could

reduce _mychildhood memories toa single moment maybeitwouldbeme_{rocking back}

andforthwith green grassunderneath me and sun on_{my bare}shoulders.

stillfrom_Ride,2003

Asan_artist,I am a_spyonthe world. Asa childI was(and Ibelieve I still _am)

very goodat_studyingpeople'sidiosyncrasiesand gestures. I obsessivelynotedhow

people interacted,howpeople lookedwhen_theythought noonewaslooking. I love

subtlety. That_said, Ithinkit isclearerforme tounderstand thepositionI am

approachingwith_mywork. Apositionthatis concernedwith_{watching,thinking}and

finding

joy

andhopefulness in a worldthatI onceconceivedof as

being

a_prettysour

place. ThingsthatI oncethoughtof as

having

gigantic importance nowseem miniature.

"All ourstories are about what _happensto our

wishes"

(LeBeau,22). _Equally, all

thatI make is about whathappensto _my wishes.

My

work allows meto see whathas

happened _{in my}past and project itintothepresent.

By

_{seeing my stories,} Icansee more

clearly into myself. Arthas the_{abilityto change,} muchlike psychotherapy. The_telling

and_sharing,muchlike_{therapy exchanges,is}whatisimportant.

My

goal in creatingthiswork wasto suggest a_story without words. I explored

numerous approaches and arrived ata

body

ofworkthatwassilent and gestural. The

threevideosthatcompriseMaybe flowthroughone another. Withintheinstallationthe

viewercatches glimpsesofa_storyandisencouragedto connectonevideoto thenext,

allowinga_storyoftheirown_creatingtounfold. Thevideos stir_questions, which

hopefully

remindtheviewersofthemselves.

By

employingnarrativeelements_{(close-up,repetition, fantasy, memory) I}

suggest a_storywithout

delivering

one.

My

aspirationwasto not present aresolved and

complete _{story (or}evena_storyat_all), buttoorganize andpresentthe elements(culled

from myimagination, memoryand

dreams)

to providean experiencefortheviewerto

make_up theirown.

Maybeattemptedto createaspace where the viewer couldexperience _myimages

andbechallengedtoconnectoneworkto thenext.

By

_{entering my installation I} wanted

theviewertodiscover _somethingaboutthemselves that couldconnectthem

immediately

to thework. Maybe is aseries ofmomentsthat theviewer can piece togethertoconstruct

theirownideasof_meaning andhistory. _{To possibly} spark adialoguethatarisesfrom

exposureto otherexperiences.

The workthatI have begun atRIThasprovided me withtheconfidenceto continue

exploring my interest innarrative. Since

leaving

RIT I havereturnedto photography,and have been_creatingimagesthatare stillsfrom_my life. TheimagesthatI am_makingnow

havea voicethat is_verydifferentthan_{my early}images.

My

newphotographsare

brighter, lessconstrainedthan_{my early black}and white images. Thesubject matteris

portraiture andlandscape. Iam stillinterested inmemory,but less specificallywith

childhood_memoryand more withthecreationof newmemories. _Mypassionfor

photographing has beenrenewed

by

an exploration of_makingvideo. Theprocess of

exploringanewmediumtookmeon a

journey

that_{has ultimately} returned meto photographing.

Maybe isa collection ofvideosthatnowstandsasarelicto _{mypast, artistically} as well asemotionally. Theprocesshasallowedbeto _stepout fromthe repetition

compulsion

by

_allowing metoreflect onthe_previouslyunseen motivatorsthat were at the heartofthework. Iwasable to_say what Ihad (andstill _have) nowords_for,

by

expressingmyself visually.

Iam _presentlyconcerned with colorphotography, and_{creating images}that

memorializethepeopleandplaces I am surroundedby. Aswith_myvideo_camera, I

recordthe_storythat_{is my life. The}confidencethatI gained

by

_exploringvideohas allowed me torenew_{my relationship} with_photography withaconfidenceand

self-awarenessthatI did not realizebefore.

I am no longerinterested_{in mining my} pastforimages. Theprocess I exploredwhile

constructingmythesis workhas (for_now)allowedmeto _{step away} from thecompulsion

to relive andremember and repeatmypast. I usethepresenttense to inspire_mycurrent

photographic work.

My

photographsnow seektopreservethe _poetryoftheplaces and

spacesthatget passed

by

joyfully

_transformingthe_ordinary to theextraordinary.

* * *

April isthecruelest_month,

breeding

Lilacsout ofthedead _land,mixing

Memory

and _{desire,stirring}

Dull rootswith_springrain.

JustasElliott conflates

beauty

withpain, lifewithdeath inone short_verse, I hope

to continuetocreate artinspired

by

my experiences both bitterand sweet. Itis mygoal

as anartisttolocatevisual _{poetry in unlikely}places like Elliott tocreate and share

imagesthatare concentrated with

beauty

andhonesty.

Beauty

thatis_bittersweet, like lilacs

blooming

in April.

Works Cited

Berger,

John. Another Way ofTelling. Vintage Books: New_York, 1 982

Carrier, David. WritingAbout Visual Art. School ofVisual Arts: New_York,

2003

Childers, J,editor. Columbia

Dictionary

ofModern

Literary

and Cultural Criticism.

Columbia

University

Press: New_York, 1995

Eliot.T. S. The Wasteland. 1922 <http://www.bartleby.com/201/Lhtml>.

Freud, Sigmund.

Dictionary

ofPsychoanalysis. Greenwich:_Fawcett, 1966.

Hirsch, Marianne.

Family

Frames; Photography,Narrativeand Postmemory. Harvard

University

Press: _Boston, 1997

Kaplan, E. Ann. "IstheGaze Male?" PowersofDesire: The Politics ofSexuality.

Monthly

Review Press: New_York, 1983

Kundera, Milan. The Unbearable Lightness ofBeing. London: Faber, 1985.

Lao-Tzu. Tao Te Ching. Trans. Stephen Addis and

Stanley

Lombardo. Indianapolis:

Hackett, 1993.

LeBeau, Vicky. Psychoanalysisand Cinema: The

Play

ofShadows. Wallflower:

London,2001

Mulvey, L. "Visual Pleasure andNarrative Cinema."Art After Modernism:

RethinkingRepresentation. The New Museum of_Contemporary Art: NewYork,

361-374.

Rilke, Rainer Maria. Letters toa

Young

Poet.New York: _Norton, 1993.

Sontag, Susan. OnPhotography. New York: _Farrar, Strausand_Giroux, 1977.

Spence, Jo. Cultural Sniping: The ArtofTransgression. Routledge: _London, 1995

Winterson, Jeanette. Art Objects: Essayson

Ecstasy

andEffrontery. Vintage Books:

NewYork, 1995