Sick jokes.pdf

(1)

Hello Cheapskates,

Welcome to the PDF edition of

Welcome to the PDF edition of the

the B3ta Bumper

B3ta Bumper

Book of Sick Jokes

Book of Sick Jokes ..

In the spirit of togetherness and loveliness, here is

is for you to read, totally free. Have we

is for you to read, totally free. Have we gone mad?

gone mad?

Quite probably.

Anyway, if you enjoy reading it, then why not buy a

copy for a friend? It

!!

s available in book shops like

W

Waterstones and

aterstones and Borders, and

Borders, and via Amazon

via Amazon..

http://www

http://www.amazon.co.uk/e

.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190

xec/obidos/ASIN/190

5548281/b3ta-21

Go on. Every time you (don

!!

t) click the link, an

internet fairy dies. Anyway

internet fairy dies. Anyways, we hope you enjoy

s, we hope you enjoy it.

it.

Lots of love,

Rob Manuel, and the B3ta team.

PS. Want to use this stuff in other non-commercial

projects?

projects? Assuming full credit is

Assuming full credit is given, we won

given, we won

!!

t be

knocking on your door with an

knocking on your door with an axe.

axe.

K

(2)

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C C E E N N S S O O R R E E D D C C E E N N S S O O R R E E D D C C E E N N S S O O R R E E D D C C E E N N S S O O R R E E D D C C E E N N S S O O R R E E D D

The bumper b3ta book of

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Rob Manuel

The Bumper

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The Bumper

b3ta Book of

Sick Jokes

(4)

Compiled by Rob Manuel

The Bumper

b3ta Book of

Sick Jokes

First published in Great Britain in 2006 by Friday Books First published in Great Britain in 2006 by Friday Books

An imprint of The Friday Project Limited An imprint of The Friday Project Limited 83 Victoria Street, London SW1H0HW 83 Victoria Street, London SW1H0HW

ISBN 10 – 1-905548-28-1 ISBN 10 – 1-905548-28-1 ISBN 13 – 978-1-905548-28-6 ISBN 13 – 978-1-905548-28-6

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval

system, without either prior permission in writing from the publisher system, without either prior permission in writing from the publisher or a licence permitting restricted copying. In the United Kingdom such or a licence permitting restricted copying. In the United Kingdom such licences are issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham licences are issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham

Court Road, London

Court Road, London W1T 4LPW1T 4LP.. British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Designed and produced by Jason Taylor Designed and produced by Jason Taylor

www.liquorice-creative.co.uk www.liquorice-creative.co.uk

The Publisher’s policy is to use paper manufactured from The Publisher’s policy is to use paper manufactured from

sustainable sources sustainable sources V V

M Miicchhaaeel l BBaarrrryymmoorre e ... . 1111 T Thhe e BBeeaattllees s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 1122 C Chhrriissttoopphheer r RReeeevve e ... . 1155 C Ceelleebbrriitty y ppaaeeddoopphhiillees s ... . 1166 H Heelleen n KKeelllleer .r .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 2211 S Stteevviie e WWoonnddeer r . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 2233 D Deeaarr, , ddeeppaarrtteed d DDiiaanna a ... . 2299 I In n tthhe e nneewws .s .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 3355 S Sppaacce e sshhuuttttlle e . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 4411 H Hiittlleer . . . .r . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . . . 4433

Sex and shit

Sex and shit . . . . . . . 4949

P Paaeeddoopphhiillees s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 5533 S Sccaattoollooggiiccaal . .l . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 6611 M Miissooggyynny y . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 6633 M Meennssttrruuaattiioon .n .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 7711 A Annttii--mmeen n . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 7777 G Gaay . .y . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . 8822

(5)

First published in Great Britain in 2006 by Friday Books First published in Great Britain in 2006 by Friday Books

An imprint of The Friday Project Limited An imprint of The Friday Project Limited 83 Victoria Street, London SW1H0HW 83 Victoria Street, London SW1H0HW

ISBN 10 – 1-905548-28-1 ISBN 10 – 1-905548-28-1 ISBN 13 – 978-1-905548-28-6 ISBN 13 – 978-1-905548-28-6

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval

system, without either prior permission in writing from the publisher system, without either prior permission in writing from the publisher or a licence permitting restricted copying. In the United Kingdom such or a licence permitting restricted copying. In the United Kingdom such licences are issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham licences are issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham

Court Road, London

Court Road, London W1T 4LPW1T 4LP.. British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Designed and produced by Jason Taylor Designed and produced by Jason Taylor

www.liquorice-creative.co.uk www.liquorice-creative.co.uk

The Publisher’s policy is to use paper manufactured from The Publisher’s policy is to use paper manufactured from

sustainable sources sustainable sources V V

M Miicchhaaeel l BBaarrrryymmoorre e ... . 1111 T Thhe e BBeeaattllees s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 1122 C Chhrriissttoopphheer r RReeeevve e ... . 1155 C Ceelleebbrriitty y ppaaeeddoopphhiillees s ... . 1166 H Heelleen n KKeelllleer .r .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 2211 S Stteevviie e WWoonnddeer r . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 2233 D Deeaarr, , ddeeppaarrtteed d DDiiaanna a ... . 2299 I In n tthhe e nneewws .s .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 3355 S Sppaacce e sshhuuttttlle e . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 4411 H Hiittlleer . . . .r . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . . . 4433

Sex and shit

Sex and shit . . . . . . . 4949

P Paaeeddoopphhiillees s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 5533 S Sccaattoollooggiiccaal . .l . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 6611 M Miissooggyynny y . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 6633 M Meennssttrruuaattiioon .n .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 7711 A Annttii--mmeen n . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 7777 G Gaay . .y . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . 8822 V VII VVIIII

Religion and racism

Religion and racism. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . . .. . . 8989

J Jeewwiissh . . . . .h . . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . 9911 C Chhrriissttiiaan . . . .n . . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 9933 M Muusslliim . . .m . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . 9955 B Buuddddhhiissm m . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 9966 G Giinnggeer . . . .r . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . 9977 W Whhiitte e ttrraassh h aannd d cchhaavvs s ... . 9999 C Chhiinneesse e . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 110022 T Thhe e WWeellssh h jjookke . .e . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 1. . 10033 B Bllaacck . . . .k . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . 110055 I Irriissh . . . . .h . . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . 110088

Illness and mortality

Illness and mortality . . . . . . . 111111

D i s a b i l i t y . . . 1 1 3 D i s a b i l i t y . . . 1 1 3 B Blliinnd . .d . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . 112211 C Caanncceer r vvss. . AAIIDDS ..S ... .. 112244 O Olld d ppeeoopplle e . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 112277 D Deeaad d bbaabbiiees . .s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 113311

Jokes with no home

Jokes with no home . . . . . . . 141141

A Annttii--jjookkees s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 114433 P Poolliicce e aannd d hhiippppiiees .s ... . 114477 O n e - l i n e r s . . . 1 4 9 O n e - l i n e r s . . . 1 4 9 C Crruueelltty y tto o aanniimmaalls s ... . 115511 P Pooeettrry y ccoorrnneer r . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 116600 M Miimme je jookkees . .s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 116633 Panic page! Panic page!. . . .. . . 168168

Thanks and acknowledgements

Thanks and acknowledgements. . . .. . . 170170

Illustration list

Illustration list . . . . . . . 175175

Introduction

Oh dear God, how are we supposed to introduce this?

In your hands you are holding the most depraved, foul

and offensive collection of jokes collected in one book.

You’re probably expecting us to write something to

justify this collection aren’t you? Something erudite

and wordy that explains that these jokes are a reﬂection

of society’s pressure points and fears? Nope. Sorry.

You’ll have to look elsewhere for that stuff, for we know

the sordid truth:

the sordid truth: Sick jokes are Sick jokes are guilty pleasures sharedguilty pleasures shared

when you think no one who may be offended

is listening.

And we’ve got the whole damn lot of them.

Even the ones where they said, “No, you can’t print

that, they’ll ﬁre-bomb the publishers”.

But don’t worry. If you do ﬁnd yourself getting

nauseated, just turn to the ‘panic page’ on p 168 where

we’ve stuck some nice ﬂuffy jokes and a picture of a

kitten. See? All better now.

Enjoy the book!

(6)

V

VII VVIIII

Religion and racism

Religion and racism. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . . .. . . 8989

J Jeewwiissh . . . . .h . . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . 9911 C Chhrriissttiiaan . . . .n . . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 9933 M Muusslliim . . .m . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . 9955 B Buuddddhhiissm m . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 9966 G Giinnggeer . . . .r . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . 9977 W Whhiitte e ttrraassh h aannd d cchhaavvs s ... . 9999 C Chhiinneesse e . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 110022 T Thhe e WWeellssh h jjookke . .e . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 1. . 10033 B Bllaacck . . . .k . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . 110055 I Irriissh . . . . .h . . . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . . 110088

Illness and mortality

Illness and mortality . . . . . . . 111111

D i s a b i l i t y . . . 1 1 3 D i s a b i l i t y . . . 1 1 3 B Blliinnd . .d . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . 112211 C Caanncceer r vvss. . AAIIDDS ..S ... .. 112244 O Olld d ppeeoopplle e . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 112277 D Deeaad d bbaabbiiees . .s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 113311

Jokes with no home

Jokes with no home . . . . . . . 141141

A Annttii--jjookkees s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . 114433 P Poolliicce e aannd d hhiippppiiees .s ... . 114477 O n e - l i n e r s . . . 1 4 9 O n e - l i n e r s . . . 1 4 9 C Crruueelltty y tto o aanniimmaalls s ... . 115511 P Pooeettrry y ccoorrnneer r . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 116600 M Miimme je jookkees . .s . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 116633 Panic page! Panic page!. . . .. . . 168168

Thanks and acknowledgements

Thanks and acknowledgements. . . .. . . 170170

Illustration list

Illustration list . . . . . . . 175175

Introduction

Oh dear God, how are we supposed to introduce this?

In your hands you are holding the most depraved, foul

and offensive collection of jokes collected in one book.

You’re probably expecting us to write something to

justify this collection aren’t you? Something erudite

and wordy that explains that these jokes are a reﬂection

of society’s pressure points and fears? Nope. Sorry.

You’ll have to look elsewhere for that stuff, for we know

the sordid truth:

the sordid truth: Sick jokes are Sick jokes are guilty pleasures sharedguilty pleasures shared

when you think no one who may be offended

is listening.

And we’ve got the whole damn lot of them.

Even the ones where they said, “No, you can’t print

that, they’ll ﬁre-bomb the publishers”.

But don’t worry. If you do ﬁnd yourself getting

nauseated, just turn to the ‘panic page’ on p 168 where

we’ve stuck some nice ﬂuffy jokes and a picture of a

kitten. See? All better now.

Enjoy the book!

IX

How this book was made

Every joke in this book was submitted by the public.

That’s the cunning get out clause. This is your book!

Not ours!

You see, we have a quite famous website called

b3ta.com, and we asked our visitors to send in their

sickest jokes. And they did, in bloody droves. Two and

a half thousand of them to be exact, and when we threw

away the crap ones we’re left with this lot here.

Then we did the clever bit; we asked the site readers

to send in illustrations to make the book look pretty.

There’s a full list of credits at the back, so if you want

to give these people work, you should be able to ﬁnd

them.

So that was our dream. Make a book simply by

asking the Internet to do it for us. And it worked. Lazy

sods? Us? Yep.

(7)

IX

How this book was made

Every joke in this book was submitted by the public.

That’s the cunning get out clause. This is your book!

Not ours!

You see, we have a quite famous website called

b3ta.com, and we asked our visitors to send in their

sickest jokes. And they did, in bloody droves. Two and

a half thousand of them to be exact, and when we threw

away the crap ones we’re left with this lot here.

Then we did the clever bit; we asked the site readers

to send in illustrations to make the book look pretty.

There’s a full list of credits at the back, so if you want

to give these people work, you should be able to ﬁnd

them.

So that was our dream. Make a book simply by

asking the Internet to do it for us. And it worked. Lazy

sods? Us? Yep.

The Bumper b3ta Book of Sick Jokes

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Celebrity

and news

events

Whenever there is a news event involving a

major disaster or a celebrity there is always a

joke being told in the pub, texted on a phone

or sent by email. Here are some of your

favourites.

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Celebrity

and news

events

Whenever there is a news event involving a

major disaster or a celebrity there is always a

joke being told in the pub, texted on a phone

or sent by email. Here are some of your

favourites.

1

The Bumper b3ta Book of Sick Jokes The Bumper b3ta Book of Sick Jokes

2 2

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What was the last thing to go through

Kurt Cobain’s mind as he pulled the trigger?

A bullet.

Roy Castle ﬁnally made it

into the Guinness Book of Records.

They gave him 6 months to live

and he did it in 2.

Elton John is getting a divorce.

He found out his husband was having sex

behind his back.

What did Robert Maxwell

and Freddie Mercury have in common?

They were both bumped off by dodgy seamen.

What’s pink and ﬂuffy and hasn’t

moved in years?

Freddie Mercury’s slippers.

What’s black and shoots across a room?

Marvin Gaye’s dad.

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Cee l lee b b r r i i t t y y aa n n d d n nee w wss ee v vee n n t tss

Did you know that Jeremy Beadle has a tiny cock?

On the other hand, it’s massive.

(9)

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3 3

What was the last thing to go through

Kurt Cobain’s mind as he pulled the trigger?

A bullet.

Roy Castle ﬁnally made it

into the Guinness Book of Records.

They gave him 6 months to live

and he did it in 2.

Elton John is getting a divorce.

He found out his husband was having sex

behind his back.

What did Robert Maxwell

and Freddie Mercury have in common?

They were both bumped off by dodgy seamen.

What’s pink and ﬂuffy and hasn’t

moved in years?

Freddie Mercury’s slippers.

What’s black and shoots across a room?

Marvin Gaye’s dad.

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Did you know that Jeremy Beadle has a tiny cock?

On the other hand, it’s massive.

4 4

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What’s pink and smells of piss?

Barbara Cartland.

What’s the difference between

Jill Dando and a white shirt?

The white shirt survived the doorstep challenge.

Jill Dando’s husband wanted to paint

the front door red.

She was dead against it though.

What’s black, white and starving?

Jill Dando’s cat.

They are going to make a ﬁlm about Harold

Shipman starring Robert De Niro.

It’s called

It’s calledThe Old Dear Hunter.The Old Dear Hunter.

Guard:

Guard:‘What would you like to drink?’‘What would you like to drink?’

Harold Shipman:

Harold Shipman:‘A nice whiskey would be great.’‘A nice whiskey would be great.’

Guard:

Guard:‘What would you about you?’‘What would you about you?’

Myra Hindley:

Myra Hindley:‘I’d love some red wine.’‘I’d love some red wine.’

Guard:

Guard:‘What would you like?’‘What would you like?’

Fred West:

Fred West:‘I could murder some Tennants.’‘I could murder some Tennants.’

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5 5

What’s pink and smells of piss?

Barbara Cartland.

What’s the difference between

Jill Dando and a white shirt?

The white shirt survived the doorstep challenge.

Jill Dando’s husband wanted to paint

the front door red.

She was dead against it though.

What’s black, white and starving?

Jill Dando’s cat.

They are going to make a ﬁlm about Harold

Shipman starring Robert De Niro.

It’s called

It’s calledThe Old Dear Hunter.The Old Dear Hunter.

Guard:

Guard:‘What would you like to drink?’‘What would you like to drink?’

Harold Shipman:

Harold Shipman:‘A nice whiskey would be great.’‘A nice whiskey would be great.’

Guard:

Guard:‘What would you about you?’‘What would you about you?’

Myra Hindley:

Myra Hindley:‘I’d love some red wine.’‘I’d love some red wine.’

Guard:

Guard:‘What would you like?’‘What would you like?’

Fred West:

Fred West:‘I could murder some Tennants.’‘I could murder some Tennants.’

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7

Ian Brady says to the prison guard, ‘I’m pissed

off, I haven’t had a holiday in years!’.

To which the guard says, ‘Come off it Brady,

a few years ago we took you up to Saddleworth

Moor, you had 3 days up there – all those wide

open spaces and fresh clean air’.

Brady replies, ‘Fair enough, but what kind of

holiday was that with the kids under me feet?’.

What sits in the corner of the lounge and crackles?

Rod Hull’s television.

What’s Rod Hull’s favourite washing powder?

Aerial.

What were Rod Hull’s last words?

‘Grab hold of that fucking gutter, Emu!’

What’s black and slid down Nelson’s Column?

Winnie Mandela.

What’s green and 50 feet tall?

Nelson Mandela’s lawn.

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7

Ian Brady says to the prison guard, ‘I’m pissed

off, I haven’t had a holiday in years!’.

To which the guard says, ‘Come off it Brady,

a few years ago we took you up to Saddleworth

Moor, you had 3 days up there – all those wide

open spaces and fresh clean air’.

Brady replies, ‘Fair enough, but what kind of

holiday was that with the kids under me feet?’.

What sits in the corner of the lounge and crackles?

Rod Hull’s television.

What’s Rod Hull’s favourite washing powder?

Aerial.

What were Rod Hull’s last words?

‘Grab hold of that fucking gutter, Emu!’

What’s black and slid down Nelson’s Column?

Winnie Mandela.

What’s green and 50 feet tall?

Nelson Mandela’s lawn.

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What’s grey and smells of curry?

John Major’s dick.

What do you call a bird that can’t ﬂy?

That bird off Holby City.

What’s the Queen Mum and a cock

got in common?

They both go hard after three strokes.

What’s blue, hangs from the ceiling

and doesn’t ﬁt anymore?

Ian Curtis.

Gene Pitney’s undertakers have said that it will

take 10 weeks to make him a cofﬁn from oak...

or 24 hours from balsa...

8

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9

What’s grey and smells of curry?

John Major’s dick.

What do you call a bird that can’t ﬂy?

That bird off Holby City.

What’s the Queen Mum and a cock

got in common?

They both go hard after three strokes.

What’s blue, hangs from the ceiling

and doesn’t ﬁt anymore?

Ian Curtis.

Gene Pitney’s undertakers have said that it will

take 10 weeks to make him a cofﬁn from oak...

or 24 hours from balsa...

8

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11 11

Michael

Barrymore

Poor old Barrymore, cruciﬁed by the tabloids for a crime he

didn’t commit. That didn’t stop the public voting him second in

the 2005 Celebrity Big Brother. We haven’t heard from him since

but we suspect he’ll be

but we suspect he’ll be back. Anyway, there is always panto…back. Anyway, there is always panto…

Have you heard that Michael Barrymore

has got a new TV show?

Only Pools and Corpses.

Two dead terrorists were found in

Michael Barrymore’s swimming pool.

They were suicide bummers.

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gah! dear god!

why are you doing

this to me?

(13)

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11 11

Michael

Barrymore

Poor old Barrymore, cruciﬁed by the tabloids for a crime he

didn’t commit. That didn’t stop the public voting him second in

the 2005 Celebrity Big Brother. We haven’t heard from him since

but we suspect he’ll be

but we suspect he’ll be back. Anyway, there is always panto…back. Anyway, there is always panto…

Have you heard that Michael Barrymore

has got a new TV show?

Only Pools and Corpses.

Two dead terrorists were found in

Michael Barrymore’s swimming pool.

They were suicide bummers.

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gah! dear god!

why are you doing

this to me?

12 12

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What’s got three legs and lives

on a farm in Scotland?

Mr and Mrs McCartney.

Before Heather there was Linda…

What do you call a dog with wings?

Linda McCartney.

What do vegetarian worms eat?

Linda McCartney.

Paul McCartney tells his kids some

bad news and some good news:

‘The bad news is your mother’s dead, but the good

news is that it’s bacon for tea tonight.’

And ﬁnally…

What does it take to re-unite The Beatles?

T

Two bulletswo bullets..(This punchline used to be ‘three’ but(This punchline used to be ‘three’ but

old misery guts Harrison ruined the joke by going

and dying on us.)

What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

The Beatles

We were victims of changing circumstances

We were victims of changing circumstances while puttingwhile putting

together this book. We collected together a lovely little set of

Heather McCartney jokes, and the silly wench goes and

instigates divorce proceedings, hence mucking them all up.

See this as an historical record.

It must be hard being a Beatles wife, it can’t be a coincidence

that most of these jokes are directed at them.

…But then, Paul McCartney is the

…But then, Paul McCartney is the nation’s new Queen Mum.nation’s new Queen Mum.

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney

about his knighthood:

‘So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever go

down on one knee again?’

Paul: ‘Oi! Her name is Heather.’

But remember her this way…

Paul McCartney bought his wife a new

artiﬁcial leg this Christmas but it wasn’t her

main present, it was just a stocking ﬁller.

For her birthday Paul McCartney is buying

his wife a plane, but she’ll still use a razor

on the other leg.

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(14)

12 12

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13 13

What’s got three legs and lives

on a farm in Scotland?

Mr and Mrs McCartney.

Before Heather there was Linda…

What do you call a dog with wings?

Linda McCartney.

What do vegetarian worms eat?

Linda McCartney.

Paul McCartney tells his kids some

bad news and some good news:

‘The bad news is your mother’s dead, but the good

news is that it’s bacon for tea tonight.’

And ﬁnally…

What does it take to re-unite The Beatles?

T

Two bulletswo bullets..(This punchline used to be ‘three’ but(This punchline used to be ‘three’ but

old misery guts Harrison ruined the joke by going

and dying on us.)

What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

The Beatles

We were victims of changing circumstances

We were victims of changing circumstances while puttingwhile putting

together this book. We collected together a lovely little set of

Heather McCartney jokes, and the silly wench goes and

instigates divorce proceedings, hence mucking them all up.

See this as an historical record.

It must be hard being a Beatles wife, it can’t be a coincidence

that most of these jokes are directed at them.

…But then, Paul McCartney is the

…But then, Paul McCartney is the nation’s new Queen Mum.nation’s new Queen Mum.

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney

about his knighthood:

‘So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever go

down on one knee again?’

Paul: ‘Oi! Her name is Heather.’

But remember her this way…

Paul McCartney bought his wife a new

artiﬁcial leg this Christmas but it wasn’t her

main present, it was just a stocking ﬁller.

For her birthday Paul McCartney is buying

his wife a plane, but she’ll still use a razor

on the other leg.

C

What’s black and sits

at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after

a house ﬁre.

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15 15

Christopher

Reeve

Oh the irony, Superman ends up in a

Oh the irony, Superman ends up in a wheelchairwheelchair..

Now that he’s dead, you may wish to note that Reeve jokes are

interchangeable with Steven Hawking jokes, or any poor git

who ends up in

who ends up in a wheelchair.a wheelchair.

Why didn’t Superman stop the

World Trade Centre attacks?

Because he’s a quadriplegic.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

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