different from married parents. Many of the same things might be true for separated parents.
Divorced parents:
Spend less time with their children.
Have fewer rules for their children.
Are harder on their children when they break rules.
Do not watch their children as closely.
Have more fights and arguments with their children.
He believes that divorcing parents can change those things to help their children. How can you be a better parent in those areas?
Dr. Amato and other experts have also talked about some other issues that can make a difference for children after divorce and separation.
Parents who are having a hard time with the divorce or separation will probably have children with problems. The better you do, the better your children will do.
Having lots of fights and arguments between parenting partners is hard for the children. It is a very big problem if the partners have those fights in front of the children.
Children who have to deal with lots of changes at once often have problems. Some changes that might happen are
o one parent moving out,
o one or more children and a parent moving to a different home, o moving to a different school,
o giving up activities that cost too much, or
o getting new family members if one or both parents remarry.
How can you deal better with the divorce and separation?
How can you lower the number of fights and arguments you have in front of your children?
How can you lower the number of changes for your children?
Source:
Amato, T. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72, 650-666.
Unit 2
Talking with Children When the Talking Gets Tough
Divorce and separation are grown-up topics. As adults we hoped we would never have to talk about these with our children. We would like to protect those young minds from the pain and sadness of difficult situations. We would like to give them happy, innocent, and carefree lives. But talk we must.
And if possible, couples need to try to talk to the children together.
So what can you say when divorce and separation happen in your family?
Don’t assume that the kids don’t know about it. They probably know or feel more than you think.
They might have seen you argue. They may have noticed that you changed bedrooms. You may have changed the way you talk about your partner. They surely will notice if someone moves out. Not talking about it does not protect children. In fact, you may communicate that the subject is taboo and that it is not OK to ask questions if you remain silent. You might start the Cycle of Silence.
Be available and “askable.” Let kids know that it is okay to talk about the hard stuff. Listen to what they think and feel. Some people have said “Listening is Love.” By listening, you can find out if they have misunderstandings. You can learn more about the support that they need. You do not need to explain more than they are ready to hear. You also do not need to give them all the details. Just be willing to answer their questions as much as you can.
Share your feelings. Get in touch with your feelings. Get your feelings under control. Then tell your children if you feel afraid, angry, or sad. It can help them to know that others also are upset by the events. They might feel that only children are struggling. If you tell them about your feelings, you also can tell them about how you deal with the feelings. Be careful not to overwhelm them or expect them to find answers for you. And do not say bad things about your partner.
Help children use creative outlets like art and music to express their feelings. Children may not be comfortable or skilled with words. They might have a hard time knowing the words to use for difficult situations. Using art, puppets, music, or books might help children open up about their reactions. They may want to draw pictures and then destroy them, or they could want to display them or send them to someone else. They may want to make up words to songs. They may want to use puppets and create a play about divorce and separation. Or they might start including divorce themes when they play house. Play with them. Be flexible and listen.
Reassure your children and help them feel safe. When things change suddenly, children may worry that everything will change. They may learn that you and your partner do not love each other anymore. They may worry that you don’t love them anymore either. It is important to let them know that you still love them. Try to be realistic as you reassure them, however. Some things will change. Tell them what will change and what will not. You can try to support them and protect them, but you cannot keep all bad things from happening to children. You can always tell them that you love them, though. You can say that, no matter what happens, your love will be with them.
And you can tell them that their other parent will always love them, too. That is realistic, and often that is enough to help the children need to feel better. If you are a religious person, you could also say that God will always be with them, too.
Talking with Children When the Talking Gets Tough, p. 2
Support children’s concern for other people. Children often are worried not only for themselves, but also for others. As they learn about divorce, they might worry about other families that have experienced divorce. They might worry about brothers and sisters, babysitters, teachers,
grandparents, and others who could be affected by the family changes. In some cases they might feel less secure or cared for themselves if they see that others are hurting. It is heartwarming and satisfying to observe this level of caring in children. Explore ways you and your children can help others and ease the pain.
Look for more than one feeling or reaction. After talking about the worries, don’t stop there.
Studies have shown that children also may feel sad, angry, confused, depressed, and maybe even happy. They may feel love for both parents. Or they may think they don’t love one or both parents anymore. Or they don’t know how to love both at once. Let them express a full range of emotions.
Let them cry. Let them get mad. You don’t need to make those feelings go away. Teach them good ways to show those feelings. They might worry about their parents. That is OK, but don’t make them responsible for their parents. Accept their love and care, but don’t expect them to solve your
problems.
Help children and youth find a course of action. One important way to reduce stress is to take action. This is true for both adults and children. The action may be very simple or more complex.
Children may want to write a letter to someone about their feelings. Or they might want to get involved in a support group for children facing divorce. Others may want to make a new plan for doing chores or for organizing their things in two houses. Let your children help to identify the action choices. They may have wonderful ideas.
Take action and get involved in something as the parent. It is not enough to let children take action by themselves. Children feel hope when they see that their parents, teachers, or other significant caregivers are working to make a difference. They feel safer and more positive about the future. So do something. Maybe you could reach out and help other divorcing and separating families. Or you could make plans to make your children at home in two houses. It will make you feel more hopeful, too. And hope is one of the most valuable gifts we can give children and ourselves.
Created by: Judith A. Myers-Walls, Extension Specialist, Purdue University.
Unit 2
Helping Your Children Manage Stress
Stress can be positive or negative.
Positive stress:
Gives people energy and helps people pay attention to what is important
Does not last very long
Is something people believe they can handle
Feels exciting
Helps a person do things better
Negative stress:
Makes people worry or feel afraid or uncomfortable
Makes a person do a worse job than not having stress
Seems to be more than a person can handle
Could make a person sick or lead to problems
Could last for a short time or a long time
Reduce your children’s negative stress. Help them to do these things.
Ask them what they think about the situation. What does it mean to them?
Find positive things about the situation.
Build personal skills for dealing with stress.
Find people and things around them that can help.
Ask what ideas they have for what they could do.
Explore ways to help with feelings.
Explore ways to solve the problems.
Source: Kelso, T., French, D., & Fernandez, M. (2005). Stress and coping in primary caregivers of children with a disability: A qualitative study using the Lazarus and Folkman Process Model of Coping. Journal of Research in Special Education Needs, 5(1), 3-10.
Does your child need counseling?
Think about the child’s behavior before the divorce or separation. Is the behavior worse now? If your child cannot be part of things like school and child care, he or she may need extra help. If your child is not eating or sleeping and is getting sick, look for help. If the problems don’t get better after a few days or weeks, you may need to look for help.
• Long periods of sadness
Your child may seem to be sad for several days or weeks in a row. It is normal to be sad during divorce and separation. But maybe nothing helps the child feel better. You try to entertain or distract him, but nothing works. The child may cry over both little and big things and not be able to stop. Children might not talk about being sad; they show sadness mostly through their actions. That means they might get in trouble and break rules to show they are sad.
• Living in the past
Your child may seem to think more about the past than the present. Many children will talk about the past when their family was together or when the family used to live in the old place. Some children may complain that they can’t stop thinking about the divorce or the move. That is normal right after the event. At some point children should be able to move ahead and talk about the present, though.
• Withdrawn behavior
Withdrawn children have little or no interest in playing or being with friends. They want to be by themselves instead of being with friends or adults. They want to stay alone all the time. They don’t laugh, joke, or enjoy anything they are doing. Older children may start having many secrets.
• Problems saying good-bye to parents
Your child may not want to be away from you. She may want to check in with you many times as the day goes on. This is a problem if your child was used to saying good-bye before the problem occurred.
• Cannot concentrate
Some children may have a hard time getting things done. They may be distracted. Maybe they cannot settle on any play activities or jobs they need to do. They may not follow instructions well. They may complain that they cannot concentrate.
• Changes in daily habits
Children may change what they normally do. Some children may wake up, but may not want to get up.
And some children may be tired all the time. Or they can start having problems going to sleep. They may have nightmares. They may eat much more or much less than before. You may have trouble predicting what the children are going to do or when they are going to do it. Again, this is a problem if it is very different from before.
• Return to younger behavior
A child may have been toilet-trained before, but now has accidents or needs diapers. Maybe a child will return to sucking his thumb or ask for a bottle. Some children may ask to be carried even though they can walk. Maybe they act like they can’t do their homework alone anymore. This is normal for a short time around the time of the divorce. If it continues, look for help.
• Feeling angry
Some children may be angry all the time. They may often get into fights with other children in child care
Does your child need counseling? P. 2
• Temper tantrums
Some children might kick and scream more often than before. They might say no to everything you ask them to do. Every small problem seems to become huge. They may lose control in public places.
• Feeling anxious and worried
Some children may worry a lot. They may worry about you when they are not at home. They may worry about you and your parenting partner physically hurting each other or them. They may worry that something else bad might happen.
• You cannot help your child
You may have a difficult time with your own feelings. A major change in the family affects all family members. You could be dealing with many changes in work, schedule, or living situation. You may feel that your child needs more, but you cannot help at this point.
Many children do the things above at times. If the problems start suddenly during your divorce or separation or other stressful event, your child may need extra help. Getting help is important if:
• the signs are more extreme than you have noticed in other children, • they last day after day or week after week, or
• you have tried to work with your child, but the problems continue.
VERY IMPORTANT: Some children mention suicide. They may say that they want to die. They might give away things that are important to them. They may start talking about ways to die. Any time your child says anything like this, take it seriously. Even young children have killed themselves. Get help right away!!
Finding Help
To find help, you could contact your local schools and talk to a counselor or school psychologist. Or you could look for a "warm line" or a hotline or a service for finding local help.
From: Karuppaswami, N., & Myers-Walls, J. A. Does the child need counseling?. West Lafayette, IN:
Purdue Cooperative Extension. Retrieved from
https://www.extension.purdue.edu/providerparent/family-child%20relationships/childcounseling.htm
