P
ARENTING IN THE
C
ONTEXT OF
C
OERCIVE
C
ONTROL
(Charts and Instructions)
© Battered Women’s Justice Project
This project is supported by Award 2009-TA-AX-K025 from the Office of Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice. The opinions, findings, conclusions and recommendations expressed herein are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the U.S. Department of Justice.
© 2012 Battered Women’s Justice Project Page 2 A WORD ABOUT THE PARENTING CHARTS
Context and Applicability of the Charts
This packet contains three charts designed to help you analyze the nature, dynamics and implications of parenting in the context of coercive controlling abuse. Each chart has a specific purpose and is intended to facilitate a specific analysis.
The first chart, which is captioned Parenting by Coercive Controlling Abusers (Chart 1 of 3), is meant to assess the parenting capacities of coercive controlling abusers. It is only to be used after you have determined that one of the parties has engaged in coercively
controlling abuse – and it is only to be used to consider the parenting behaviors and decisions of the coercively controlling parent. It is not meant to assess the victim parent. The second chart, which is captioned Impact of Coercive Control on Victim’s Parenting
(Chart 2 of 3), is meant to assess the effects of the parenting behaviors and decisions of the coercively controlling parent on the victim’s parenting. It is not intended to be used to analyze the coercive controlling abuser’s parenting. It is also not intended to assess the impact of coercive control on other aspects of the victim’s life beyond parenting.
The third chart, which is captioned Impact of Coercive Control on Child (Chart 3 of 3), is meant to assess the effects of the parenting behaviors and decisions of the coercively controlling parent on the child.
Be sure to select and apply the appropriate chart for the specific analysis you are undertaking. Misapplication of these charts can distort your analysis and lead to harmful outcomes for battered parents and their children.
Family Court-Specific Design
These charts were designed specifically for family court practitioners (lawyers, judges, custody evaluators, guardians ad litem, CASAs, mediators, parenting coordinators, parent educators, etc.) for use in family court settings. They were not developed for use in other settings, such as child protection or criminal justice proceedings.
Be sure to exercise discretion and caution in applying these charts to non-family court settings.
© 2012 Battered Women’s Justice Project Page 3 PARENTING BY COERCIVE CONTROLLING ABUSERS
(Chart 1 of 3) PARENTING CONTINUUM Physical Safety Physical or Sexual Abuse or Neglect
Impact
on Child
Impact
on
Victim’s
Parenting
Emotional Support Emotional Abuse Economic Support Protecting Child from Conflict and Abuse Accepting Responsibility for Impact of Abuse Responding to Child’s Separate Needs Supporting Other’s Parenting and Relationships Respecting Other Parent’s Autonomy Economic Abuse Using Child as a Tool of Abuse Denying Responsibility for Impact of Abuse Ignoring Child’s Separate Needs Undermining Other’s Parenting and Relationships Relentless Harassment© 2012 Battered Women’s Justice Project Page 4
Physical or Sexual Abuse or Neglect of Child: Decisions and behaviors that directly harm the child’s physical safety, security and well-being, including but not limited to:
▪ Hitting, punching, slapping, pushing child ▪ Having inappropriate sexual contact ▪ Using excessive/coercive discipline ▪ Sexually exploiting/grooming child ▪ Refusing to tolerate age-appropriate behavior ▪ Exposing child to pornography ▪ Violating child labor laws (forced labor) ▪ Using child in pornography
▪ Denying food, clothing, necessary medical care ▪ Forcing child to have sex with others ▪ Forcing other parent to participate in child abuse ▪ Violating child’s physical privacy ▪ Abducting or threatening to abduct child ▪ Abandoning child
▪ Forcing child into criminal activity ▪ Exposing child to drugs
▪ Promoting truancy ▪ Willfully violating health or housing codes
Emotional Abuse of Child: Wide-ranging decisions or behaviors that directly or indirectly harm the child’s emotional safety, security, development, and/or well-being, including but not limited to:
▪ Denigrating child’s feelings ▪ Violating child’s boundaries
▪ Calling child names ▪ Denying support or affection to child ▪ Making child feel stupid or inadequate ▪ Interfering with school or homework ▪ Demanding demonstrations of affection/loyalty ▪ Micro-managing or monitoring child ▪ Isolating child from friends or family ▪ Disrupting child’s structure or routines ▪ Embarrassing, humiliating or shaming child ▪ Destroying child’s toys or personal items ▪ Promoting gender bias or disrespect of women ▪ Mocking child’s interests or ambitions ▪ Refusing to meet child’s basic emotional needs ▪ Fluctuating involvement with child
▪ Creating a chaotic or unpredictable home life ▪ Threatening to harm or kill parent or child ▪ Missing visits or appointments ▪ Saying one thing and doing another ▪ Exposing child to violence ▪ Exposing child to aftermath of violence ▪ Modeling bad behavior ▪ Morally corrupting child
▪ Harming or threatening to harm animals or pets ▪ Inducing fear or terror
▪ Breaking promises ▪Threatening suicide
Economic Abuse: Decisions to or behaviors that unnecessarily harm the child’s economic
stability or security, including but not limited to:
▪ Refusing to provide available financial support ▪ Denying other parent access to resources ▪ Interfering with other parent’s work ▪ Depleting bank accounts
▪ Withholding important financial information ▪ Destroying other parent’s credit
▪ Trading money or support for time with child ▪ Preventing other parent’s access to credit ▪ Shutting off utilities ▪ Refusing to pay insurance premiums
▪ Disabling vehicles ▪ Cancelling insurance
© 2012 Battered Women’s Justice Project Page 5
Using Child as a Tool of Abuse: Decisions to or behaviors that employ the child to manipulate, control, threaten or harm the other parent, including but not limited to:
▪ Drawing child into abuse ▪ Dividing child’s loyalties
▪ Using child to monitor other parent ▪ Using child to coerce other parent
▪ Pitting child against other parent ▪ Hurting child in order to hurt other parent ▪ Separating children from their siblings ▪ Using custody to harass other parent ▪ Encouraging child to disrespect other parent ▪ Disrupting established visitation schedule ▪ Rewarding child for rejecting other parent ▪ Using visitation to access other parent ▪ Threatening to harm child ▪ Threatening to seek custody to hurt parent ▪ Threatening to take child from other parent ▪ Degrading other parent to child
▪ Using child to bargain with other parent ▪ Neglecting child on visits
Denying Impact of Abuse on Child: Decisions or behaviors that fail to acknowledge and repair the damage resulting from one’s own abuse, including but not limited to:
▪ Failing to acknowledge damage from abuse ▪ Demanding respect in the face of abuse ▪ Interfering with other parent’s treatment efforts ▪ Failing to acknowledge child’s needs ▪ Refusing to seek counseling for abuse ▪ Failing to respond to child’s needs ▪ Interfering with other parent’s care of child ▪ Disregarding child’s needs
▪ Interfering with child’s counseling/healthcare ▪ Refusing to apologize for abuse
▪ Justifying abuse ▪ Forcing unwanted engagement with child
▪ Being intolerant of criticism for abuse ▪ Blaming others for abuse
Undermining the Other’s Parenting or Relationship with Child: Decisions to or behaviors that either: (1) interfere with the other parent’s ability to parent or exercise parental authority; or (2) disrupt or harm the child’s relationship with the other parent, including but not limited to: ▪ Refusing to enforce established rules ▪ Refusing to agree to rules or structure ▪ Violating established parenting agreements ▪ Making false allegations to authorities ▪ Withholding information concerning the child ▪ Under- or over-medicating child
▪ Disrupting child’s schedule or routine ▪ Using new partner to replace other parent ▪ Sharing too much information with child ▪ Disparaging other parent in front of child ▪ Disrespecting other parent’s new partner ▪ Criticizing other parent
© 2012 Battered Women’s Justice Project Page 6
Ignoring Child’s Separate Needs: Beliefs that the child’s interests, needs and perceptions are either: (1) indistinguishable from the other parent’s interests, needs and perceptions; or (2) attributable to the other parent, including but not limited to:
▪ Elevating one’s own needs above the child’s needs ▪ Believing one’s own needs and child’s need are identical
▪ Believing that oneself and one’s child think and feel the same way ▪ Believing that one knows exclusively what is best for the child ▪ Believing that one’s own pain is mirrored in the child
▪ Obsessive attachment to the child
▪ Seeing no value in the child’s contact with the other parent, absent sufficient cause ▪ Believing that child’s mind is being poisoned by the other parent
▪ Believing that the child is mirroring the other parent ▪ Believing that the other parent and the child are conspiring
Relentless Harassment: Decisions to or behaviors that disrupt the everyday life of, and create persistent instability, insecurity or unpredictability for the child and/or the other parent, usually under the guise of some seemingly legitimate principle (like safety, equality, fairness, duty, or parental concern), including but not limited to:
▪ Constantly disrupting the child’s schedule ▪ Interfering with the other parent’s work ▪ Constantly disrupting the child’s routines ▪ Interfering with school, sleep or social life ▪ Engaging in harassing litigation ▪ Interfering with health care
▪ Making false reports to authorities ▪ Disparaging other parent to family/friends ▪ Fluctuating parental involvement ▪ Constantly changing rules or expectations ▪ Monitoring other parent’s whereabouts ▪ Stalking other parent or child
▪ Making unreasonable demands on time ▪ Cancelling or rescheduling appointments ▪ Making oneself look good in harmful ways ▪ Disrupting utilities
▪ Hacking into other parent’s computer ▪ Disrupting other parent’s transportation ▪ Cutting off phone service ▪ Setting off home alarm system
▪ Constantly raising “technical arguments” ▪ Showing up unannounced
© 2012 Battered Women’s Justice Project Page 7
IMPACT OF COERCIVE CONTROL ON VICTIM’S PARENTING (Chart 2 of 3)
HEIGHTENED RESPONSIBILITY FOR PROTECTION OF CHILD
• Monitoring abuser’s moods/behaviors • Appeasing abuser
• Regulating child’s actions to avoid abuse • Shielding child from abuse
• Intervening when child is being abused • Directly challenging/confronting abuser • Leaving with the child
HEIGHTENED RESPONSIBILITY FOR CARE OF CHILD • Inability to trust or rely on abuser to provide care • Decoding signals from child about child’s needs • Hiding attempts to meet child’s needs in face of harm • Teaching child that violence is unacceptable
• Supporting the everyday needs of child
LOSS OF CONTROL OVER OWN PARENTING • Navigating around abuser’s control • Being subject to scrutiny by courts/services • Securing access to resources or support • Managing safety in the midst of chaos
© 2012 Battered Women’s Justice Project Page 8 IMPACT OF COERCIVE CONTROL ON CHILD
(Chart 3 of 3)
