with love
SETTING
BOUNDARIES
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH LOVE
When you learn effective boundary skills, the quality of your entire life levels up.
Talking true and being seen means more joy, more satisfaction, and more bandwidth to be the change you want to see in the world and in your relationships!
Here are the top 4 boundary myths that might be keeping you stuck in an old familiar but less than optimal boundary pattern. The more you know, the easier it is to make change
BOUNDARY MYTHS
Boundary Myth: Boundaries will alienate the people I love.
Boundary Truth: Healthy boundaries serve to protect your relationships
so they can thrive.
Boundary Myth: Real romantic love needs no boundaries
Boundary Truth: Healthy love ALWAYS requires healthy boundaries
Boundary Myth: Protecting your Boundaries makes you selfish.
Boundary Truth: Protecting your boundaries makes you brave
& generous
Boundary Myth: Setting boundaries makes you mean.
Boundary Truth: Setting boundaries can consistently be done
with kindness.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH LOVE
Having healthy boundaries is not taking responsibility for things that are not yours (feelings, emotions, situations, etc.), and taking responsibility for things, situations, emotions that are.
It is not you being mean, bitchy, or selfish.
It is truly an act of love (self and other) and ultimately creates the space for healthy relationships built on authentic intimacy. And, it is always possible to express your preferences, desires, limits and deal-breakers (ie: your boundaries) with ease, grace, kindness and when appropriate, love
Since awareness is the first step to transforming anything below there are two activities to get you started.
TOP OF MIND:
Follow the steps below to raise your awareness as to whom you give your time, energy, consideration and attention.
I invite you to:
1. Make note of all non-priority people you might be allowing to occupy priority position in the VIP section of your life.
2. Make a list of the individuals you find yourself repeatedly doing favors for or rearranging your schedule to accommodate?
This will give you a clear snapshot of who you are prioritizing and help you to start to practice being more mindful of your behavior. You don’t have to change anything right away.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH LOVE
GO DEEPER
Use the steps below to get more clarity about the state of your boundaries and actions you can take to begin to empower yourself:
1. Take a boundary inventory.
• Where are you a pushover? When do you feel taken advantage of?
• Who do you feel resentment towards? What specific situations or circumstances created the resentment?
• Are you often too understanding about someone’s unacceptable behavior?
• Do you find yourself making excuses for other people to avoid conflict?
• Do you accept other people’s excuses for bad behavior, allowing them to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions?
• Make a master list of the people and circumstances in your life where you do this so you will know which relationships or interactions need your attention and better boundaries.
2. Start small.
Make a list of the high priority and low priority people in your life. Then, start practicing a healthy boundary setting with the low priority people first. (For example-nicely sending back your lunch order if it is incorrect rather than eating it to avoid feeling uncomfortable.)
Expressing and exercising your boundaries is a skill and it takes practice, but starting with the people who aren’t in the front row of your life can feel less threatening.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH LOVE
3. Have a Plan
a. What is the boundary? Take the time to Identify the preference, desire, limit or deal-breaker you would like to communicate and to whom.
b. What is the optimal time and place to have the conversation?
Depending on the person and the boundary request, it could be over email, text or if it is safe, in person.
c. What do you want to say? Write down an unedited version for yourself of what’s on your mind and your preferred outcome. Then use the
boundary scripts below to construct the right language for you to use to express your boundary request.
I suggest that you ease into creating healthier boundaries in your life. The more you do it, the easier it gets, the easier gets, the more you do it!
SCENARIOS & SCRIPTS
I’d like to make a simple request…
For an intrusive or inappropriate question:
Why do you ask?
Why would you ask me that?
Why do you want to know that?
I thought you should know...
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH LOVE
I wanted to bring something to your attention;
I needed to tell you...
I wanted to put it on your radar;
I want you to be aware of how I feel...
To gently stop Auto-Advice givers, you can say,
"I am actually not looking for input right now and I would so appreciate you just holding space for the way I am feeling. I’ll figure out what to do."
If a person you care for is in crisis or pain: Instead of,
“I know what you should do”
say,
“How can I best support you right now?”
This response respects their right to be self-determined and does not center their painful situation on you.
Sticky Boundary Scenarios & What to Say
I have a friend whom I really love but no matter how much time I spend with her, always says she misses me and guilts me about not seeing her enough. How can I share how this is impacting the friendship and draw a boundary?
There is no way around having a conversation about it. You can say,
”I’ve noticed that you frequently say you miss me right after we have spent time together. This makes me feel like I am not doing enough to be a good friend and pressured in some way. Would you consider trying to be mindful of this? I love our time together and don’t want to feel like I am letting you down or not doing enough.”
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH LOVE
How can I feel solid inside after drawing a new boundary and not cave into the old “Boundary Dance” while fears are coming up?
Breathe, expect to be uncomfortable (which is temporary and not fatal) and know the more you do it, the better you get at it and the easier and better it feels.
Visualize yourself standing firm prior to the interaction or any interaction where you will need to draw boundaries. Use self-care actions to soothe yourself after drawing a boundary.
In general, how do you end a convo that has spiralled into a heated argument with yelling and hurt feelings?
Decide to opt-out as soon as it gets too heated for you. Use powerful body language by putting your hands in the time out position and saying,
“This is going nowhere productive and I don’t want to fight with you or for either of us to say things we cannot take back. Let’s take a break and revisit when we are more calm to protect our relationship, please.”
And you may remove yourself from an argument that has gone off the rails whether the other person agrees or not.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH LOVE
NOTES
W W W . T E R R I C O L E . C O M
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs.
Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation.
She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution™ and Boundary Bootcamp™
and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show.
Terri is also the author of Boundary Boss - The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021).
www.boundarybossbook.com
