Our Champion Half-Back
A Football Operetta (1898)
Words and music by Edward Cympson (slightly adapted by D. Chandler)
CHARACTERS
Matthew Hale …….. landlord of the Golden Lion pub.
Johnny Legg ……… a butcher; secretary of the “United Lambs” football club. Milly ………. daughter of Matthew Hale.
Pythagoras Ure ... an effeminate young man.
George ……….. a tall, strong football player.
Chorus of footballers, pub workers, local people, etc.
SCENE: just outside the Golden Lion pub.1
Chorus: Oh, here’s a go!2 such a rumpus3 and a fuss! Whatever shall we do? What will become of us? Wherever shall we turn? What can we do or say? We never dreamed of this:
What an awful day! Awful day! Awful day! Here’s a nice start for our Football Day!
Hale and Legg: The printed bills4 are out: We’re ruined without doubt; ’Tis such an unexpected crash!5 No time to get fresh men – And if we did, what then?
We’ve come down such an awful smash!5
The Slowtown chaps will crow –6 It is an awful blow!
1 In the past, football games were often played on grounds owned by pubs. Pub owners liked this, as it brought them a lot of customers!
2 Here’s a go = here’s a bad situation. 3 Rumpus = commotion.
4 Printed bills = advertisements.
5 We’ve come down such an awful smash! = this has been such a severe blow! 6 Crow = boast (because they can now beat us).
I fancy I can hear them yell! Our other men no use: Oh shan’t we get abuse!
The end of this ’tis hard to tell!1
Chorus: Oh, here’s a go! such a rumpus and a fuss! Etc.
Legg: I tell you, it’s hopeless! Bill Smith can’t come. He’s down with lumbago,2 and can’t move hand nor foot.
Hale: Well, get somebody else then!
Legg: But no one can play like Bill! And it’s supposed to be the Great Match of the Season: “The Slowtown Rushers” versus “The United Lambs.” They’re even running special trains here. Thousands of people are coming and there won’t be no contest!3 No contest, I tell you!
Hale: Who says there won’t? You don’t depend on one man?
Legg: We do! Nobody’s like Bill! The other chaps are no good without him. He’s the man everybody’s coming to see!
Enter Milly.
Milly: Well, father, what’s up now?
Legg: What’s up? Why, it’s all up! He’s not coming!
Milly: Who isn’t coming?
Legg: Bill Smith, the half-back:4 we can’t do without him. We’ll be slaughtered!5
Hale: Here, Milly, my dear! You remember that fellow who was down here in the summer?
Milly: Yes, I remember; and I remember that just because he fancied me, you went and spoiled everything!
Hale: Well, well, my girl; perhaps I was a bit too hasty.6
1 The end of this ’tis hard to tell! = it’s not clear how bad this is going to get! 2 Lumbago = severe back pain.
3 No contest. I.e. the “Rushers” will easily win.
4 Half-back. This term is hardly ever used now: we would now say Bill is a midfielder. 5 Slaughtered = utterly destroyed.
Legg:
But who is he? What’s he good for?
Milly:
Good for? Why, he’s the best footballer in all England!
Legg:
Really? And do you think he’d come, Milly?
Milly:
Maybe. On one condition. Father knows what that is!
Hale:
Well, look here – ask him to come, and we’ll talk about the other, er, thing later on. Say your father is willing if –
Legg:
Say anything so long as you get him here!
Milly: Well, I’ll try, Dad, though I don’t suppose it’ll be much use. I’ll go and send him a telegram now. I’ll tell him father is willing!
Milly exits, laughing.
Hale:
(Shouting after her.) No, no, I didn’t mean that! (To Legg.) I didn’t like him
hanging around her all the time, you see. But as for football – they say he’s the best!
Legg:
You don’t say so! Really?
Hale: If this chap comes, there ain’t no fear.
Legg: You don’t say so! Really?
Hale: You ought to see him play: oh dear!
Legg: You don’t say so! Really?
Hale: You ought to see his maties howl1 If umpire2 says he makes a foul, And see how soon he gets a goal.
Legg:
You don’t say so! Really?
Legg: I thought our Bill would want a rest.
Hale: You don’t say so! Really?
Legg: Aye,3 that I did; ’tis for the best.
Hale: You don’t say so! Really?
1 His maties howl = his fellow team players complain loudly (because they are worried he might be sent off).
2 Umpire = the referee. 3 Aye = yes.
Legg: If this new chap’s about our size1 ’Twill take the “Rushers” by surprise, And we shall carry off the prize!
Hale:
You don’t say so! Really?
Hale: I feel as safe as safe can be.
Legg: You don’t say so! Really?
That’s just what I feel – safe – that’s me.
Hale: You don’t say so! Really?
Legg: And all our crowd will feel so too, As soon as they see what he can do; We’re safe as eggs,2 ’twixt3 me and you.
Hale: You may say so, Really!
Exit Legg. Enter Pythagoras Ure, with a lot of luggage. He is short-sighted and nervous, and wears an eye-glass.
Ure: Oh, I beg your pardon: is this the Golden Lion?
Hale: It is, sir. (Aside.) This can hardly be him, unless Milly sent for him before. Perhaps this is all her little game though!4
Ure carefully puts his luggage down.
Ure:
I received a telegram –
Hale:
(Eagerly.) A telegram! Are you the man we sent for?
Ure:
Yes I am!
Hale:
(Hardly believing what he sees.) You are he?5
Ure:
That’s right! U – R – E. Pythagoras Ure, at your service. I came as soon as I got the telegram.
Hale: Give me your hand, my boy! (They shake hands.) I’m so glad to see you.
1 About our size = what we want.
2 We’re safe as eggs = we don’t need to worry (proverbial). 3 ’Twixt = between.
4 Perhaps this is all her little game though! = perhaps she has her own plan here (to help herself)! 5 He. The misunderstanding relies on Hale pronouncing “he” like “ee.” Lower class people in Britain often drop an “h” sound before a vowel (like Bill Snibson in Me and My Girl).
You’re just in time to save us! (Aside.) I don’t remember him being so small last summer! Perhaps he’s been ill. (To Ure.) It’ll be all right now. We shall beat the “Rushers”! I’ll go and tell Milly and Mr. Legg that you’ve come. Make yourself at home, my lad – make yourself at home!
Exit Hale.
Ure: I don’t know what he’s talking about, I’m sure, but he seems very kind. I must write to my sisters and tell them that I’m here.
Milly runs up behind him and throws her arms around his neck.
Milly:
You got here so quickly, George!
Ure:
(Stiffly.) Excuse me, I don’t think I know you. And my sisters wouldn’t like to
see me treated like this!
Milly:
(Springing back.) Why, you’re not George!
Ure:
No! I’m not George. My name is Pythagoras.
Milly:
Pythagoras! I don’t know you. What brought you here?
Ure:
A telegram!
Milly:
A telegram? There must be some mistake! But can you play?
Ure:
Milly:
Well, I can play the piano – a little.
Oh bother the piano! Can you play football?
Ure: Oh no! My sisters wouldn’t like me to play football – it’s such a rough game.
Milly: What! And you’re not a half-back?
Pythagoras turns round, trying to look at his own back. He almost falls over.
Ure: No!
Milly:
You can’t do anything with a ball?
Ure:
Milly:
Oh, this is terrible. They’ll murder you!
Ure:
Murder me! What have I done? Here, I don’t like this!
Milly:
(Looking to the side.) Oh, and here’s father and Johnny Legg coming back!
Quick! you must pretend you’re my sweetheart –
Ure:
But my sisters might think –
Milly:
Oh, never mind your sisters! This is to save your life! Don’t say you can’t play football. Say you’re the champion of England!
Milly: Oh, won’t you be my sweetheart? Oh, won’t you stay to tea,
And talk so fine, with your hand in mine, And pretend you’re in love with me. Oh, can’t you do flirtation?
I’m telling you what is true;
If you cannot be wise, and make use of your eyes, It will be all over with you,1
It will be all over with you, It will be all over with you!
Ure: You really are so pleasant, Though certainly rather bold; As no one else is present, I’ll do as I am told
Though ’tis a strange proceeding,2 At this very select hotel;
I’ll inform my sisters when I write What luck to me befell.3
Milly / Ure: Oh, won’t you be my / I’d like to be your sweetheart; Oh, won’t you / I’m sure I’ll stay to tea,
And talk so fine, with your / my hand in mine / thine,4 And pretend you’re in love with me.
Oh can’t you / I’ll try and do flirtation,
1 It will be all over with you = you’ll be in serious trouble. 2 Proceeding = thing to do.
3 What luck to me befell = about the lucky experience I had. 4 Thine = yours.
I’m telling you / If you’re telling me what is true;
If you cannot be / Yes I’ll try and be wise, and make use of your / my eyes, It will be all over with you, / And devote myself to you,
It will be all over with you, / And devote myself to you, It will be all over with you! / And devote myself to you!
Enter Hale and Legg to the front of the stage. Milly and Pythagoras go on acting like lovers at the back.
Hale:
TThey’re a pretty pair of lovebirds, aren’t they?
Legg:
But are you sure this is the man himself?
Hale:
Well, he said he was; and the girl … well, she’d know.
Legg: He don’t look like a footballer, do he? Are you sure he’s the one they call “The Wall”?
Legg approaches Ure
Legg:
I say, Mister –
Ure: Oh, I beg your pardon! Yes.
Milly:
(Aside.) Now for it!1
Legg:
Err … you know we’ve got a lot of people coming this afternoon to see you.
Ure:
That’s very kind of them. I hope we will do good business.
Legg:
Well, I hope so! You saw the bills, did you? The kick-off2 is at three o’clock.
Ure: Ah, I would like to see that! I’ve never seen a kick-off before.
Hale and Legg: What!!!
Milly:
Oh, he’s tired after his journey and doesn’t know what he’s saying! He’ll be all right soon. (Aside.) I must keep it going3 a bit longer, till I get an answer from George.
1 Now for it! = this is the moment of crisis! 2 Kick-off = start of the game.
Hale:
Yes, yes; he’ll be all right presently. Don’t worry yourself, Legg. It’s all right, I tell you.
Legg:
But I’m not clear about this. If he’s joking, all right, but it seems to me he’s not joking. (To Ure.) You are he, ain’t you?
Milly:
What’s your problem, Mr. Legg? Father told you so.
Legg:
Let me be, Milly. (To Ure.) Are you he?
Ure:
Now you’re spelling it incorrectly. My name is Ure: U – R – E.
Legg:
But are you the one they call “The Wall”?
Ure:
No!! My name’s Pythagoras. Pythagoras Ure.
Legg: Is that right? (Taking off his coat.) Well then, young man, we’re going to fight now. Take your coat off! I’m going to teach you a lesson.
Milly: Oh Mr. Legg, don’t be so silly. (Aside.) There’s only one hope left now!
Exit Milly. Legg has his fists up, ready to fight.
Hale: Wait a minute, Legg. (To Ure.) You’ve been playing the fool here, haven’t you? Pretending to be someone you ain’t. You’ve been deceiving my girl, and us!
Ure: I have not! I only said –
Milly comes running in with a telegram.
Milly:
It’s all right! He’ll be here by 12 o’clock!
Legg:
Who’ll be here? Isn’t this the man you sent for?
Milly:
No!
Hale: And isn’t this the fellow who was after you last summer?
Milly and Ure: No!!
Hale: Then who on earth is he? What’s he here for?
Ure: (Pulling out a telegram.) I came in answer to this telegram, asking me to meet the “Slowtown Rushers” here with a set of football shirts and things. See! (He
pulls a shirt out of his bag.) My family is in the clothing business.
Hale: The clothing business! But where’s the man we want?
Milly: Why, here he is!
George enters. Milly runs to him and throws her arms around his neck. George should stand near to Ure to show a ridiculous contrast. Ure slowly edges away.
Legg: Hurrah! The “United Lambs” will now smash the “Slowtown Rushers”! Three cheers for our champion half-back!
All (except Ure): Away with our fears and our sorrow; The “Rushers” would like him to borrow:1 Whatever they say, we’ve the best of today, And they won’t feel so cheeky tomorrow.
For he is the prince of all players, A regular giant of stayers;2
In the very first rank, we’re as safe as the bank,3 For we’ve got all the best of the players!
Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, Hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah!
Happy and free, jolly we’ll be, Glad as the days are long!
Give it a name, the top of the game: Our team is the best of the strong!
When we’re at play, he’ll carry the day: Our side is a perfect treat;
They’ll do all they can: there’s none like our man, He’s a fellow that’s hard to beat!
Away with our fears and our sorrow, etc.
THE END.
1 Would like him to borrow = would like to have George on their team. 2 Stayer = someone with great endurance, someone who never gives up. 3 As safe as the bank = very safe (proverbial).
