I
MPROV
I
NTERACTI
ONS
By
Brendan
Corbett
IMPROV
INTERACTIONS
This book is copyright 2009 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy,
distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part,
or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative
works of this book, unless you have consent from the author.
Front Cover Illustration:
Copyright © 2009 By ‘Giraffarte’
In association with www.dreamstime.com
Copyright © 20
www.GKYDFDGHP\.com
Brendan Corbett
All rights reserved.
People are your main source to
everything. The next person you meet
could add something valuable to your
life. Don’t miss the opportunity just
because you lack confidence to interact.
-
Brendan Corbett
CONTENTS
Introduction i
How This Book Works xiii
PART ONE: DEVELOPING A SOCIAL ATTITUDE
1. Blocks In Conversation 1 2. Social Attitude And Mindset 15
3. The Improv Approach 51
PART TWO: INSIDE INTERACTIONS
4. Building A Lifestyle 68 5. Making An Impression 82 6. Sources For Conversation 92 7. Starting Interactions 100 8. Authentic Listening 138 9. Making It Interactive 150
10. Storytelling 162
11. Making It Flow 178
PART THREE: BEYOND INTERACTIONS
12. Frame Control 202 13. Presence 220 14. Group Dynamics 234 15. Sparking Attraction 244 16. All Together 294 Conclusion 302
i | I N T R O D U C T I O N
INTRODUCTION
The goal of this book is to help you increase your social value through conversation, interaction, and social skills.
„Social Value‟ is defined as the ability to be observed as a man who exudes an abundance of worth by his presence and the way others react to him.
You don‟t need to be a celebrity or a big CEO to be perceived as having value. Value comes from the way in which people react to you and know of you. You can gain this in your everyday life when you know how to be extremely comfortable and confident socially.
What you need is the ability to interact with anybody you meet. If you have ever been in situations where you have been too quiet; too shy; repeating yourself; lost on what to say and talk about; feeling blank etc…then this is for you. This book will guide you in overcoming the mental blocks and other blocks which can happen in social situations.
I was once in a position where I struggled severely from social anxiety. While I was in search for answers and how to get over it, I came across a lot of other people with similar problems, and also struggling with the actual process of conversation.
I began to notice that their struggle was down to their inner challenges which blocked their progress, which resulted in them feeling more anxious in social situations.
So I wanted to create a book to combine those two areas: overcoming social/approach anxiety, and also devising an improvised structure to interactions.
ii | I N T R O D U C T I O N
Person A: Hiya
Person B: Oh Hello, How are you? Person A: I’m fine, How bout you? Person B: Aw I’m good too thanks Person A: What you been up to? Person B: Oh not much, you?
Person A: Yes the same. Busy as always haha Person B: haha, yeh
Person A: … Person B: …
Person A: Well I best get going so I’ll see you later. It was nice to see
you again.
Person B: It was great seeing you as well. We’ll catch up sometime. Person A: Definitely!
Sound familiar? The trouble with this interaction is that there is no possible advancement. They both cut each other off by remaining resistant and closed. A lot of interactions tend to go like this. Chances are they probably won‟t “catch up” sometime soon because they haven‟t invested in each other. So it‟s another empty conversation.
It‟s a recurring pattern for people who tend to cut interactions short. They do this because their mind goes blank and they can‟t think of anything else to say, so how can they possibly get to know each other to become more?
CONVERSATION PLUS ATTRACTION
I‟ve always had a curiosity about interactions between men and women. It appeared to me that, yes, even though it is quite easy to talk to a girl on a friendly level with chit-chat, you have to have something else going on to spark the infamous CHEMISTRY.
And you can also notice the mundane conversation patterns during interactions with a girl…
iii | I N T R O D U C T I O N
Guy: What’s that book you are reading? Girl: Danielle Steel
Guy: Oh I’ve never read her books. Are they good? Girl: Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t be reading it.
Guy: Good point. I’ve just finished reading Tom Clancy’s new book. Girl: I’ve never heard of him.
Guy: A-ha (Dying a slow and painful death) Girl: …
Guy: … Girl: …………..
Guy: Well, I best be off. Enjoy your book.
Good beginning. Jittery middle. Predictable ending. This interaction had the potential to have another girl as part of his social circle – but he “blew it”.
It‟s so easy to be dumbstruck and not know how to continue an interaction with anybody. We hit dead ends and we feel the anxiety building up.
Or maybe our lives ARE actually boring and we have done absolutely nothing for us to talk about or connect on. So where do you go from there?
WHAT IS ‘IMPROV INTERACTIONS’?
Improv = Improvisation.
Yes, it is that on-the-spot spontaneity you see in theatre and performance. Actors often talk about it and it‟s most common in music such as jazz. It is a skill where you create in the moment with all that you have available to you.
The question is: What can you create in terms of social interactions?
It requires you have no script and no preparation. Sounds impossible, but if you have ever researched improvisation- you know it has a structure and helpful exercises to improve your skill to improvise. The biggest secret is that…
iv | I N T R O D U C T I O N
Experience creates social intuition
HOW DOES IT APPLY TO INTERACTIONS?
In this book, I am going to provide you with a social structure you can improvise with. You won‟t be bogged down to the routine manner we all go through in conversation. We can learn to divert and spark up new ways to continue a conversation and have an interaction which can lead somewhere.
All of us are improvising every single day. As much as we try to live in our safe little bubbles and plan out our days, knowing everything we are doing in advance- we still have to improvise and figure things out as we go.
With interactions you have no script, just as in life. You have to create your dialogue on the spot and learn to create and react right then and there.
With that being the case, most beginning interactions with people tend to remain on the safe side. We stay confined to small talk and fluff because that‟s how social conditioning has trained us. You can learn improvisation as a skill to surpass those boundaries. It is a way of giving you more options.
It‟s more than a skill though, it‟s a mindset. It‟s an overall attitude to how you approach life and people. Apply it to your social life, and you find yourself creating more opportunities and connections with others around you.
COMBINING ‘IMPROV INTERACTIONS’ & ATTRACTION
Creating attraction tends to be the main goal between a man and a woman when they interact. Unfortunately, that doesn‟t seem to happen with safe and respectful conversations.
v | I N T R O D U C T I O N Making a woman feel something more for you requires you being in control. But it‟s hard to be in control if you‟re a stumbling mess and worried about “saying the wrong thing”. You take control when you can handle whatever is thrown at you and you take the reigns.
I naively assumed I needed methods to spark attraction, when in fact all I needed was a general understanding to work with. The only reason I became consumed with it all is because of the control and predictability it had.
But the predictability soon wears off. You begin to feel a fraud. If you‟re doing the „pick up‟ thing, I‟m not suggesting pass it off. This is about taking a step back and building a gym mat. It‟s a place where you can fall flat on your ass and still keep on going.
I took a step back and decided that the answer was to BUILD
A FOUNDATION OF SOCIAL SKILLS which you can apply
with everybody and anybody. It not only increases your social value, but the confidence it gives you allows you to be naturally attractive.
Social Value is a big key to sparking attraction
BUILDING A SOCIAL FOUNDATION
Let‟s face it, most of us live not so extravagant lifestyles. We will not all be the typical man-of-value stereotypes that will capture a woman into our webs of seduction.
The ultimate test is being able to make the mundane boring stuff BE fun
Because what are you left with when you take away the „Pick Up‟ methods?
vi | I N T R O D U C T I O N Pure and simple, you are left with conversation- an expression of self. It is at the foundation of any interaction.
I noticed it‟s this foundation which a lot of guys tend to be stuck on. They become too linear and fixated on their approach and the content of what they say. With that, they miss the natural attraction sparks that are happening right in front of them.
You can tell when you lack a foundation because you say statements along the lines of:
- I ran out of things to say - What should I have said next?
- It went really quiet and I was losing her. Should I have done another palm read?
- I had to leave because my mind went blank.
How long would you last if you ACTUALLY had her? You can only repeat your „attraction material‟ a few times and get away with it.
The other advantage is that „Improv Interactions‟ applies to EVERYBODY you interact with. Once you have the confidence and comfort in your ability to flow with a conversation, then it gives you a feeling of knowing you can handle ANY social situation.
Then the interactions start to become FUN rather than full of anxiety. It will no longer be a case of, “What will I say when we run this topic into the ground? I‟ll be lost. There she goes, she‟s finishing her sentence. Her lips are now…about…to stop moving. What did she just say? I missed it! Too nervous…Should I talk about my pet fish again?”
THE IMPORTANCE OF SOCIAL INTERACTION
Real conversations are scarce, so our interactions with people are limited. It seems that most people‟s methods are to wait for the silence so they know that it‟s their turn to speak. And in that time, I
vii | I N T R O D U C T I O N believe the person is either thinking, “What should I say next?” or “Where is the exit?” The interaction itself is never the real focus.
It‟s especially obvious when you are interacting with somebody for the first time. Strangers can be so unpredictable.
Whenever two or more people are hovering around together, there has to be some form of interaction.
On the flip side, there are an abundance of people walking past us in this world every day. Multiple opportunities to connect and have some company are all around and yet most people can still feel lonely! I know…bizarre.
LET’S BREAK IT DOWN
Interaction means “to interact”, which means it takes two to tango. “Being social” for short.
Conversation is the tool that allows us to interact with one another. After the initial eye contact and proximity, you HAVE to say something.
And conversation is easy. They say a sentence, you say a sentence- it‟s a done deal. However, that‟s the SIMPLEST form of conversation. It doesn‟t appear to be interactive like conversations should be. It‟s passive and fleeting where neither seem to be interested in taking the time to get to know the other.
But conversation is much more than being all about the words you say.
Put it this way- If you are a quiet person and unresponsive, then no doubt you will be tarred with the personality traits of “shy” or “ignorant”. Both of which I don‟t think we all like to be known as.
Most of us can‟t seem to help that. You don‟t want to be quiet on purpose. It‟s only because conversation is uncomfortable for you. But the other person doesn‟t know that, so without you even saying a word you‟ve been judged in a seemingly negative way.
viii | I N T R O D U C T I O N This isn‟t about overcoming the judgments you get. You can be judged even for the way you walk in most cases. I‟m simply pointing out that your interactions have a greater impact than discussing daily news topics or what the other person has been up to.
Every social interaction projects your personality and attitude. Even if you are quiet- you
are projecting shyness and insecurity
Conversation is expression, and you deserve to be able to express yourself fully without fear or anxiety.
CREATING A CONNECTION
Try having a long-term friendship or relationship without saying a word. I know married couples seem to hit that point anyway after 20 years with each other, but give it a go.
Anybody can make small talk and fluff their way through. A quick hello, a nice how are you, what you been up to- it‟s friendly, non-intrusive, simple. But it doesn‟t create anything concrete to build up a social circle or relationship.
To make a connection requires more than that. Obviously you don‟t want to create a connection with everybody you meet. You‟re not trying to be a walking Facebook here.
By connection I mean interacting on a personal and expressive level. It is those relationships that form your social circle and create a socially abundant lifestyle. It could be with anybody where you have to show your face on a regular basis, or maybe even in the new places you have decided to venture into on a whim.
This does not mean to go out and talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry. However, there will be people you would like to interact with- but often we lack the feeling of social confidence to go up and initiate.
ix | I N T R O D U C T I O N
IT HAS TO START SOMEWHERE
In reality, everybody you know now was once a stranger to you. After a while it probably feels second nature to request meeting up or asking for a favour with a friend. You know, doing the things you can never do without a level of comfort.
Now, I understand conversation sounds easy. Conversation just seemingly flows when you are with a friend or somebody you are close and comfortable with- so why continue reading? Because…
By having strong, confident social skills and the ability to improvise with anybody gives you VALUE
Social anxiety and fear tends to prevail for those of us who find it hard to socialise. Even if you are already a social person, taking on improvisation is an outlook for your lifestyle. You become the “why not?” guy.
You can open up and connect to somebody within minutes because of your attitude and confidence to be expressive.
You decide to be aloof and a bit “out there” with playfulness so others feel comfortable doing the same.
In fact, you become the leader of an interaction. In the beginning it is a battle for sussing out the other person and trying not to tread on any toes.
The majority of our new friends happen by being in a social setting like college or being introduced. But there are multiple strangers and interesting people out there. Why pass up the opportunity just because we lack confidence and social skills?
x | I N T R O D U C T I O N
Without people, you gain nothing. No friends- No social life.
No girlfriend- No intimacy and future family potential.
No networking- No job or business opportunities. No customers- No sales.
No audience- No performance. No teachers- No learning.
THE FEAR OF INITIATING
People are your source to all that is valuable in your life. For many of us, the idea of talking to new people is a scary concept- we don‟t even bother to do it.
When you walk down the street it is very rare that you will be reciprocated with eye contact. We are all in a world of our own. When we are in a waiting room, we bury our heads in magazines. When we are on a bus, we check our mobile phones. When we are at a bar, we wait till we have consumed enough alcohol to forget our own name.
To be social you have to learn how to develop a certain mindset where you find it fun to interact, even with complete strangers. You have to build a level of confidence where you can handle the SOCIAL PRESSURE.
The majority of interactions are passive, so the ideas and techniques provided here are to help you get passed those blocks YOU put up, and also what other people put up- then you can be more than just a quick Hello.
So here it is, a “how to” guide on:
Expanding your social circle and increasing your value. Being comfortable in any social situation.
Being able to make conversations personal.
Bringing the best out of people by giving them permission to let go.
xi | I N T R O D U C T I O N Having fun, creative and playful interactions.
Letting others let you into their worlds while you do the same.
Being naturally attractive. Enjoy.
xiii | H O W T H I S B O O K W O R K S
HOW THIS BOOK
WORKS
My intention is to help those who are struggling with socialising with others- Whether it is because of anxiety, or fear of new people, or stepping back because they have no confidence in their social ability.
I have read many books in my time. Well, I had to because I hid in my own little world and that is all I had. I would read a book, think “Brilliant. I have the knowledge…NEXT!”, but I never applied anything. I felt like Short Circuit, whizzing through books searching for more input.
I wanted too much reassurance before I applied anything. I don’t want that to be the same case for you.
Many books I read went into the hundreds of pages region. I would think the bigger the book, then the more credibility it had.
It took me days, sometimes weeks, to finally get around and finish reading a book. I’d go away from it for a few months, forget what it told me, and then go back to it all over again.
It was a vicious cycle.
If you summarize these books down into notes, you’ll find they only have a few key points that are worth remembering. The rest of it is just padded with fluff in hope for some eureka moment.
This is an INFORMATION and SELF-IMPROVEMENT book, and because of that- I want to keep the details strictly to the bare essentials. I want you to get the information that you need so that you can APPLY it.
xiv | H O W T H I S B O O K W O R K S
After all, the core of this book is to give you a universal attitude of an improviser, topped with understanding interactions, and a dash of being confident socially and with interacting with people.
DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR…
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
You will no doubt have all the information you need to get out there and interact with real people – so go and apply what you know. Don’t waste your time searching for more material or the perfect solution. Speed of application is a mindset for everybody successful in this world.
I do not profess to be a brilliant writer. My only concern is that you get the knowledge you need to be effective with your interactions and social skills.
The way this book works is first of all giving you THEORY of a structure on how social interactions work so you can improvise with the options.
It is not filled with specific lines or routines. The structure is there so you can improvise around it. No social situation will be the same for you- hence why it is better to learn improvising and thinking on your feet.
After that it is up to you to make being social and improvising in your life a habit.
Take this information and then go out there, accept what you are given- and dive in to make it up as you go along. There will never be a perfect situation- only situations with the potential for you to mould.
Come back to this book later if you wish. But I hope that once you read it, you already have an “I’ll give it a go. Why not?” attitude anyway.
PART ONE
DEVELOPING A
SOCIAL ATTITUDE
Learning to overcome anxiety and mental blocks
in social situations.
1 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N
CHAPTER 1 -
BLOCKS IN
CONVERSATION
Conversations are sometimes difficult to keep going. They hit pauses, awkward silences, and you don’t really know what else to say.
Interactions are a way process. For them to become two-way there has to be a level of reciprocation, which means that both people have to contribute and create openings for the other person to jump in.
Within your social circle you don‟t have to be conscious about conversation. It all comes naturally. You can bounce around with any topic and feel free to ramble on about anything that comes up. You could have one word answers, cut it- and then go on to something else. You‟re not concerned about whether you are in to dance music and they‟re in to classical, you still feel free to talk about your tastes anyway without thinking “I‟m boring the tits off of them here”.
You are free to speak without judgement. And it probably took a while for you to get there to that level of comfort. You had to have a few shared experiences and “Wow, Me too” moments. When they took that leap of faith and opened up about something personal- you reciprocated with your own little anecdote, and you felt good by building that trust.
With new people it‟s a whole new ball game. You don‟t know about each other. The only thing you can really go on is your first impressions and the environment.
2 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N If you approach somebody new, chances are you will both be cautious in what you talk about. You also have no shared experiences to riff off, giving the old “Remember that time when…” intro.
You are starting from scratch, so there comes more ways for interactions to hit a dead end and uncomfortable pauses. It‟s to be expected.
YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE
Okay, in truth, you don‟t only get the ONE chance with a person, but it helps for illustration purposes.
Let‟s say you approach somebody, a pretty girl for example. You walk up to her, give your introduction that you spent 30 minutes trying to get right.
And all you get in return is…
Girl: Oh, hehe. Okay.
Where do you go from there?
It‟s impossible for you to say, “Wait! Let me try this again. Just wait here. You carry on doing what you were doing…”
You think you‟ve been rejected. Was it your breath? The way you stood? Maybe you should have gone for the cocky grin instead of the full teeth smile.
Either way, it‟s a difficult block. She hasn‟t given anything back to interact with you in return. So you walk away believing another opportunity has been lost. Back in Fred Flintstone days, you would of only had about 3-4 more girls to try it on with before you ran out of fresh meat.
3 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N It‟s a common scenario, and it doesn‟t end there. How about if you actually got the girl to meet up with you another time? Now instead of 10 minutes, you have 3 – 4 hours of possible dead ends and silences.
That‟s usually the part where panic mode hits. You feel you have to find something you can both hit it off on and impress each other, then something else…then another…then another.
If that ends up being the case, then it‟s usually down to bad social habits. Interactions should be free-flowing, but we are not shown how to be social in schools and through education. We are left to our own devices and try picking it up as we go along by copying those around us.
So these bad habits tend to occur and they‟re often not your fault. Perhaps you have been conditioned to be shy, or told “Be polite and always listen”.
OVERRIDING THE BELIEF THAT IT IS REJECTION
When you experience these blocks- you will often feel like you are being rejected.
Many thoughts will run through your head as to why the other person isn‟t getting involved as much as you would have liked. Often self-consciousness hits and we think we‟re being boring and you‟re not hitting it off. Then anxiety comes into it and you both back away due to it feeling uncomfortable.
We love interacting with people when all the fears and anxieties are brushed aside. Unfortunately, we all exhibit common behaviours, or BLOCKS, when we first interact with people.
Social politeness tends to play a big part, but overall we tend to restrict ourselves from giving too much away. We become uncomfortable and don‟t want to say or do the wrong things.
4 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N No doubt you have done it in the past to people- you‟ve gone quiet or you have thrown questions at them to divert attention from yourself. But you didn‟t mean to reject the person, did you?
Of course you didn‟t, although it probably appeared that way. Once you become conscious of these blocks, you begin to realise that we are all guilty of doing it- and it‟s not really rejection at all.
It is social safety and our discomfort in social situations that make us want to press the abort button.
Being aware of these blocks gives you a more respectful and understanding approach. You can brush off awkward silences with a knowing smile.
THE BLOCKS
Like I said, you‟ve probably already blocked people in similar ways but without even realising it. It‟s usually an unconscious process, which is why it‟s so easy to misread the signals.
I‟ll go through how to avoid blocks later. Right now it is important to just be aware of them.
Notice whether you have ever experienced these blocks or done them unconsciously with others.
1) YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN WORLD- BEING CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS
We‟ve all had it happen to us. We‟ve been walking along minding our own business, eyes fixed on the pavement and getting to where we have to be.
Then it happens…
The voice from afar: Excuse me. I’d just like to borrow you for a
5 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N It‟s a typical salesman opener. You perk your head up, and depending on their body language and welcoming face- you have a split second to either say “no thanks, not today”, or you go along with it, where it‟s only after that you realise you have just signed up for radioactive medical tests starting next Tuesday. Congrats!
People are constantly in this state of trance. When somebody snaps us out of it, it‟s like the feeling you get when you‟re startled up out of your sleep. You latch on to any statement thrown at you, or the more recurring option- you run like hell.
The last thing anybody expects is for a complete stranger to start talking to them from out of nowhere. Some people welcome it with open arms. But most of us are all in our own little worlds- heads down and hidden away.
It explains why most people are on a defensive when you approach them. It‟s an unknown experience. They are thinking:
- Who is this person? - What do they want?
- Which way do I run if they whip out a knife?
And all in the space of 5 seconds as you attempt to initiate a conversation.
That‟s not something to be afraid of. It is something to accept and to take into consideration. The person will hardly know you, but we are all guilty of making snap judgements based on the way other people present themselves.
It‟s a point where you have to show your openness through every fibre of your being. That‟s right, full on emotional nakedness. If you go up stumbling with your head down- chances are you won‟t be perceived as somebody to continue talking to. I know…it‟s brutal.
Realise that in the initial few minutes of approaching, you are going to be the one doing most of the talking. They‟re still half asleep and wondering what the hell is going on. Talking does not mean offering a tirade of questions- that just deepens the “get me out of here” feeling.
6 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N
2) CLOSED SELF-EXPRESSION. YOU DON’T LIKE TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF
A lot of people find it very difficult to talk about who they are. Whenever the conversation steers towards asking questions about them, they do whatever they can to slip away and deflect it on to something else.
Imagine, if you will, the dialogue:
Person: So what do you do?
You: Oh nothing much. How about you?
Person: I’m a skiing instructor. It’s brilliant. I never thought I could get
into a career where I love what I do. What things do you enjoy doing?
You: I don’t know. Whatever takes my fancy at the time, I guess.
Where do you live?
The answers are very short and closed off. They don‟t contribute anything for the other person to hook on to move the conversation forward. Rather than being closed off, the person should have shared who they are.
When you don‟t share yourself the conversation becomes one sided. It puts a premature block on the whole process.
You have to be open to contributing.
People who feel uncomfortable with that concept generally start to deflect by asking more questions, or like the above example they start giving short answers.
Being reluctant to expose yourself usually stems from feeling inferior. It‟s a response to believing that sharing who you are isn‟t important or interesting.
The other reason is feeling shy whenever the attention and spotlight are fixated on you. It gives you an internal pressure to cower away and step out of the spotlight.
7 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N With it being internal, it requires changing the way you think about the interaction and yourself. You may imagine that whenever you expose yourself the other person will find it ____________ (insert blank with any negative connotation).
Being more open and expressive requires a new mindset to build a positive self-image. At least then you will feel secure enough to express who you are.
3) YOU DON’T LIKE TO BE SOCIAL- BEING INTROVERTED.
For some of us, being in our own world can feel the most comfortable place to be. We get to relish in our own thoughts and be as creative as we like without fear of people trampling all over them. They are our thoughts- and we feel better for that.
I don‟t like using the Jung psychology term of “introverted” either. We all have different parts that contribute to our personality as a whole. You can be introverted AND also extroverted. There is no split that suggests you have to be one or the other.
So again, it‟s a mindset and belief that prevents you from wanting to be around people.
You can be introverted as much as you want. You can go away and create or think as you wish. However, there has to be a balance within your lifestyle where you tap into your extroverted self and let your social savvy side shine through. In short- you feel motivated to socialise.
Not everybody wants to be talkative and social 24/7. Sometimes we just want to unwind with our own thoughts. That‟s understandable.
Throughout life though we are often thrown into the lions den where we have to be social and interact. Sometimes you don‟t feel like laughing at the boss‟s jokes, as you mentally picture lunging over the desk with your stapler in hand- but you still laugh at his jokes anyway. It‟s amazing what we can do when we feel under pressure.
8 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N You may in fact not be as introverted as you think. A lot of the times it‟s a way of defending your ego. We would rather devalue something that we feel uncomfortable with, rather than say, “Hey, I‟m no good at that”. Your introversion excuse could just be a scapegoat.
Only you will know which you are doing when you are truly honest with yourself. If you are protecting your ego, then let it go.
Don‟t resign yourself to being introverted. Yes, you may find social interactions very uncomfortable and you feel you don‟t like them at all. You would much rather be away from people and go inside yourself.
But for your own sanity and balance, develop the skills necessary to pump yourself into a state where you enjoy being social. You have only become an “introvert” by accident. A few negative social interactions when you were younger, and your unconscious packed its bags and called it a day. Your life and personality may have been totally different had those interactions had gone the other way.
Understand that if you in fact do sway more to being introverted and keeping yourself to yourself, then find a balance.
4) STAYING ON TOPIC- MILKING IT TILL THE END
This is a very common mistake, so it‟s very easy to go unnoticed.
The idea is that what most people tend to do is exhaust the topic until there is nothing else to squeeze out of it.
Let‟s say for example the topic is music. That leads to a whole array of questions. Favourite bands, lyrics, gigs, type of music etc. Even though there is a lot to go at- at some point the topic will burn out and exhaust itself.
On top of that, it gets very boring staying only on the one topic.
9 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N The worst kind of milking is the dreaded INTERVIEW. The topic will obviously be the other person, and we squeeze and milk it to exhaustive proportions. Because what then tends to happen is a list of questions thrown out without delving in deeper on other tangents.
It follows the line of, “So who do you live with….oh cool…what do you do for a living….fabulous…what hobbies do you have” etc.
The trouble is it can be addictive to stay on a topic that you both seem to hit it off on. It‟s very hard to resist and switch on to another topic because you fear you will lose the momentum where it seemed like you were on a roll.
There is no specific formula if you are in search of length in minutes. It‟s more of a vibe you get that the conversation needs to switch up. That comes with intuition, and intuition comes with experience, and….you see where I„m going.
To prevent the burn out from happening you have to be creative and use associations, so that you are able to not get stuck in the same topic for however long. You can ask a question about the person and then go into it deeper and relate it to your own opinions and circumstances. It reminds you of other experiences that tie in with other topics.
Who knows if you will ever get back to where you started. The point is having the ability to be creative and stretch out the conversations potential, mixing it up and diverting to other links, rather than being resigned to one topic…then another…then another- all in a linear fashion.
5) TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF TOO MUCH
I‟m not too sure whether this happens because of vanity or someone having a nervous disposition, however you do get some people who appear oblivious to helping the other person get involved.
10 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N It‟s the whole cliché of give somebody an inch and they take a mile. Even if you don‟t give them an inch, they‟ll make one anyway.
I‟m sure we love to hear about people. After all, we are asking them questions and creating the opportunity for them to open up and express who they are. But there does reach a point where you think to yourself, “…it‟s dark out. I‟m sure it was light when we got here. How long have they been talking?”
It can easily be done through nervousness. Talking at length about yourself for some people can be a distraction, and they may only be doing it to get away from awkward silences.
If you are the culprit of talking too much, then you won‟t really be aware that you are hogging all the talk time. It will generally all be, “I did this…I did that…I want this…I need that” statements. The person has “I”s all over the place.
It‟s fine if you can talk at length. The other person may be revelling in the fact that you are easing their pressure to interact.
It takes self-awareness and a curiosity about the other person that allows you to stop yourself in your tracks and end up the monologue.
6) CLOSED QUESTIONS
Closed questions are ones that get you one-worded answers. With some people you can ask them open questions and they still give you one-worders. Revert to point #2.
Closed questions are zoned in on facts. An example question would be “How many brothers do you have?” All you will get in return is a number (Fact).
Instead, you could ask, “So tell me about your family…” it is a question posed as a statement- and it is aimed at a wider topic area. Sometimes all your closed questions need is a little rephrasing.
I know we don‟t like interviews, but interviewers are typically good at the “posing questions as statements” thing. They ask a
11 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N question and sit back while you fumble to say why you think you are capable to be CEO of a £140,000,000 company.
But closed questions can be useful at times. You need closed questions to get the facts- just as long as you use those facts to develop the interaction.
In everyday conversation with your best friend you can always get away with closed questions. That is because there is comfort to go beyond one word responses.
With new people, we often feel like we don‟t want to put the other person on the spot. Asking them open-ended questions could put them in an uncomfortable position.
Grab some balls and understand that it is necessary to go through these uncomfortable moments. You will have to be the leader who takes the initiative. If you put them on the spot- so be it.
Although, before I get burned at the stake, I must warn you to be tactful.
7) YOU REALLY DO NOT GET ALONG
I don‟t imagine that sitting with a person who has 27 piercings (per limb), along with a tattoo of somebody being strangled to be a cosy experience. My initial thoughts would be, “I will never get along with this person.”
It‟s amazing how quick our judgments can be. In the same respect, we could see somebody with a guitar and assume they love to play/write music. Funnily enough, so do you- it‟s a match! Until you realise it‟s a gimmick he uses to pack his lunch in.
But we can‟t depend on people exposing their personality through their style. I find a lot of people tend to be very reserved.
Just think of that big ol‟ brute from „The Green Mile‟. Most people would shy away at such an intimidating figure. But there
12 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N was more to him than his large presence. It‟d be a shame to overlook that over a “We won‟t get along” rule.
Having said that, you could find out you really don‟t gel with somebody half way through a conversation. My thoughts to that: Hey, it happens. There are over 6.5 billion people in this world- We can‟t get along with everybody.
Over time your social intuition will develop and you will begin to notice who you will vibe with and who you won‟t. Whilst achieving that intuition, choose to remain open-minded and give people the benefit of the doubt. They may surprise you with an, “Oh My God. I would never have guessed” moment.
8) YOU COULD BE PERFECT- IT’S THE OTHER PERSON
After you read this book you will know all the ins and outs of interactions and conversation.
Trouble is, you are playing this game with probably 95% of the population who never took the time to truly understand themselves and how to get the most out of people.
Some people are natural. They‟ve had good strong positive role models throughout their life and developed positive habits. They can naturally connect and interact, and they‟re instantly likeable without even having to be conscious about it. They have an enthusiasm about socializing.
Unfortunately, a lot of us take on bad habits. So in your short but colourful life, you will no doubt meet people who demonstrate the above blocking techniques that make interacting that little bit more difficult for you.
They may be too quiet and too reserved to share who they are. They may be too passive and aloof or all “me me me”. They may be wearing a scent that triggers off your allergies.
Whatever the reason, you will be faced with a question…should I take the time to get to know this person better?
13 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N That is your decision.
But by understanding interactions, you will learn to have more tolerance for people who do not have the conversational intellect. You understand the blocks and choose to go beyond the initial vibes you might get.
You won‟t feel rejected, nor will you feel any resentment towards yourself.
WRAPPING UP
Reminding you of these blocks is to help you be conscious of them so you can override them.
It‟s a chance for you to catch yourself in the act, and to also notice when other people cause the blocks.
With awareness you have the opportunity to disassociate from them and not feel as though you are being rejected or blown out.
Obviously some acute awareness is necessary. Some people may actually be acting in these ways to literally dismiss themselves from the conversation and from you.
Hey, it happens. We can‟t please everybody. And being social implies us coming across a diverse range of personalities- and not all of them can match with ours.
BLOCKS WITH INTERACTIONS SUMMARY
- Blocks prevent a two-way interaction.
- They are usually through insecurities and shyness. - They are not a form of rejection.
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THE BLOCKS
1) Catching people off guard, in the motions/a trance. 2) Shy about self. We stay quiet and don‟t express. 3) Introverted. Like own space. Avoid being social.
4) Staying on topic too long without diversion to other topics. Stuck in a loop.
5) Talk about self too much
6) Wrong kind of questions. Closed. Get facts but don‟t use to add.
7) Don‟t get along. Too different or too similar. Clash.
8) Other person exhibits the blocks making it difficult for you. - Work around the blocks so you have better conversations. You interact together.
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CHAPTER 2
SOCIAL ATTITUDE
AND MINDSET
Your behaviours up until now have been stemming from your beliefs about how you perceive situations and yourself. Here is how to change it to result in new and more productive, behaviours and actions…
Imagine walking into a social gathering thinking, “This is going to be terrible. I didn‟t even want to be here. It‟s a waste of time.”
Then imagine that same social gathering, but instead you walk in thinking, “There are so many new faces here. I don‟t even think I can get through everybody.”
There are underlying beliefs and experiences that create those different attitudes. I don‟t even have to ask you what you think the behaviours will be from each attitude. You already know which thought processes will lead to entering the scene with an air of social confidence.
And you may even make another observation to realise that in each scenario- the social gathering would be exactly the same.
Truth is, we are all experiencing the same world. Even if you stand across the setting and watch a guy working the room bouncing from one person to another; having people approach him; making every person laugh their asses off. He is seeing exactly what you are seeing. The people he is talking to in that venue may have walked past you two minutes ago.
Here is the twist, and I‟m assuming the question you would like answered.
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If you are going through the exact same experience - then why are you reacting and
behaving differently compared to how the charismatic guy behaves and reacts?
You can just imagine it- a complete stranger walks past him, and he has no qualms about striking up a conversation with him or her. When a stranger walks past you, you keep your head down and eyes fixed to the ground.
What is causing the difference in behaviours?
Another kick in the balls is that they all seem to warm to him when he does the conversation thing. It‟s frustrating because you “know” if you did it, then you will be lucky to even get a brief encounter past the “hello”. People will just turn away from you.
So why do they happen to you and not him?
SELF IMAGE - HOW YOU SEE
YOURSELF
I think we all know how we need to be in order to create the type of results we want. Ask any guy who he wants to be movie character wise, and it‟s always the usual James Bond or some other main cool character. It‟s instinctive.
So the difficulty is not knowledge. We know how we need to be. The difficulty lies in making it be who we naturally are. That requires a big shift from how you‟ve been for years.
And when we observe somebody exhibiting the same traits and personality which we would like, we automatically distance ourselves from believing we can become that identity.
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We separate our capability by saying things like:
- Oh they are a natural, I could never be that way. - It’s just not me. I can’t imagine ever being like that.
- It’s easy for them. They are good looking and charming.
- I bet they had a good upbringing. No wonder they are that way.
Our objections are ways to protect our identity. Even though you WANT to change who you are, it seems almost impossible to be able to break away from the small little box you‟ve got yourself in.
After all, you have been the way you are for so long. Whether you are 18 years old, 25 years old, 38….42- we always say “it‟s too late. I‟m too set in my ways.” We stick to our same methods and strategies out of the belief that, “This is how I‟ve always been”.
If that‟s the case then we need to shatter the belief that keeps us caged and locked in our own identity.
The only way to shatter a belief – is by giving enough strong contradictions to make you doubt
and question the initial belief
SELF-PERCEPTION
Let‟s say I give you an extreme example and say to you, “Do you think you can get up on stage tomorrow?”
18 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T Public Speaking is a major social fear. Dying on your ass in front of one person is hard enough. But 100+?
From that question there are three generalised responses: - No way. I could never do that in a million years. I‟d be too
nervous.
- Well, I‟ve never done it before, but I‟ll give it a go. It‟ll be fun!
- Hell yeah. I‟ve done it loads of times and it went well. I‟ll do it.
The first person comes from a place where he “KNOWS” he could never accomplish such a feat. He‟s never done it before in his life. Or when he has done it, it has gone tits up with negative consequences like being laughed at, stuttering, too nervous to even focus.
He has no references to success.
The second person comes from a place where he has an overall confidence of, “I‟ll give it a shot”. Even though they have no point of reference to being on stage, their confidence from other areas of life lead them to believe, “I can do it”.
The third person has been on stage since he was a little kid. His parents threw him up on stage and cheered him on. Getting knickers thrown at him when he was in a band at 18 etc. From there he believes going on stage is easy.
The scenario will be different, but the act of going on stage is the same. He has multiple references to support he can do it.
They are all simple men with nothing special about them. They all have the same biology and general appearance.
The only difference between all of them is their past experiences. From being born up until this day, they will have travelled different paths- each being raised by different people, different schools, and a different upbringing.
So now, at the point where you are at- you have a generalised definition of who you are and what you are capable of, based
19 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T purely on your past- how you were raised, the people who hung around with, your upbringing and role models etc.
It is not about living with the perfect past.
We can all say, “My parents never encouraged me…if only I went to a better school when I wasn‟t bullied…if I had just pushed myself then I would be OK now”.
This is where you are at NOW. Who you are today is a result of your past. You went through experiences that traumatised you and made you realise, “I‟m not going through that again”.
Or maybe you have not been through a traumatic experience. Perhaps you have just been bombarded with criticism and negativity. You showed your teacher your work, and they disregarded it without the praise that you had hoped for. People were dismissive of you. You always saw somebody else getting the prize instead of you…
I do not know your personal history. Your past experiences will differ from everybody else.
So now, the only thing we can do is CHANGE HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF as it is right now, regardless of your previous history.
STEP ONE- DEFYING YOUR PAST AND PEERS
If you are a nervous and shy person, then I‟m assuming that you have been around people who have pigeon-holed you into that type. They didn‟t mean to do it. They were just never the type to encourage you or give you support when you got knocked back.
20 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T So you have a whim one day that you want to perform as a DJ in a club. You‟ve been secretly practicing in your bedroom. You have got a phone call for the perfect opportunity.
One of your automatic thoughts at that point will be: “Oh My God, what will people think of me?”
Personally, I don‟t think it is about what PEOPLE think that really hinders us, but simply what will our SOCIAL CIRCLE think- our parents, our family, our friends etc.
We could rationalize a situation and say, “It is okay. I‟ll never see these people again- I can do what the hell I want and get out of here”.
Within your own environment and own social circle- you do not have that luxury. You will always be reminded and remembered for it. There are social consequences.
Our peers seem to concrete us to make sure we are set in our ways. Whenever we want to make a shift, they will say things like, “You‟ve changed…that‟s not like you….ugh, I don‟t like you anymore. You‟re too different”.
Going against our friends and family is a difficult challenge. They remind us of how we have always been.
So if you want to change your past- the first step is building up the courage to defy the perceptions of your peers.
OUR SOCIAL CIRCLE FEAR EXPLAINED
It‟s scary being judged by your social circle.
Even if we are not around the same people from when we were growing up, we use their perceptions and opinions of us as validation of our identity. We get set into a level of status.
If we ever took the chance and risked becoming something better, or messing up and decreasing our value in their eyes- we have to face their opinions.
21 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T Maybe it will be their disappointment in you, or their upset, or their anger/challenge, or their ridicule.
Fearing your social circle judgements is nothing new. It‟s an evolutionary fear.
We have not always been the 6.5 billion number species. We were in our hundreds of thousands spanning across the world. That meant we had to walk around in small groups.
Those groups were our survival. We learnt that by staying together we could seek out shelter and provide better.
So imagine if we did anything wrong or we went against our group. We would be cast out or put at a lower status- resulting in us getting the least amount of opportunity for food and shelter.
Our safety mechanism made us conscious about our actions within our peer group. We could not risk messing up. Hence why there is such an emphasis for us to question what people think of us.
But we cannot be somebody different and change if we remain fearful of social perceptions. We have to dare to strike out and find new ground- otherwise their views and comments about us will drag us back to how we have always been.
“I better not change. My friends are different with me now…” And defying your peers does not mean go out of your way to purposefully piss them off. I am suggesting that you should accept the grilling and different perceptions that you may get.
Because some may even surprise you and say, “It‟s about time. I knew you had it in you.” Others may throw negativity and keep that pigeon-hole on you.
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Accept that what ever you do different from the norm- you will receive different feedback from each
person in your social circle.
If you are deciding to become that social, then your social circle will notice it. “I can‟t believe you just did that…That is so unlike you, Oh my god….What are you doing that for?....Really? Are you sure you can do it?”…
Don‟t try and find the perfect way to avoid the possible negativity and different attitudes towards you. Accept them as a prerequisite to becoming a better person.
STEP TWO- BELIEVING AND DECIDING TO CHANGE
Step one was all about realising two facts:
1) Your past is created by beliefs and references from people observing you, especially by your social circle and those models around you- teachers, parents etc
2) We still fit into that mould by living up to those beliefs; otherwise we will interrupt our comfortable social circle. It‟s our evolutionary design to prevent social consequences. Doing new things and accepting what your social circle thinks of you is a hard concept to grasp. It will take some pondering and thinking over, and hopefully you will reach the conclusion that breaking away from that mould gives you strength.
Unfortunately, no amount of reading can convince you of that. It is an internal acceptance.
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BELIEFS
Beliefs are all context related. If I asked you are you a murderer- you will hopefully say no, otherwise this book has leaked out into all the wrong hands.
However, if I asked you could you kill somebody if they killed your parents- most could actually say yes.
A label like murderer is just that- a label. And we can only gain labels in comparison to other people.
I mean, how could I possibly be a confident person if I have nobody to compare it with? How can I be shy unless somebody has identified me with that characteristic compared to somebody else? I would just simply BE.
But because we are in a social world, we are constantly in comparison with other people- and so we have to identify labels and assign traits to each other.
“Oh him? Oh he‟s a quiet person. He wouldn‟t say boo to a goose.”
“That guy over there? I don‟t know, but he looks psychotic.” “She is really sweet and innocent. Butter wouldn‟t melt.” “That one? Yeah he‟s really chatty. Trust me, you‟ll love him.” Beliefs are thrown indirectly at us all the time, and throughout our past we have picked them up. If your parents were constantly telling you, “Don‟t touch that you‟ll break it!”, or if your dad never let you touch his tools and help him fix something- you will identify that with yourself and think, “I‟m no good. I‟ll just end up breaking things”.
That initial thought will spring on you every time you are thrown into a situation where you are required to apply your fixing skills.
Indirectly, if you have un-social parents, you can pick up their bad habits as well. They may have been the type to always shy away from social events- like meeting the family or going out for a drink. You didn‟t question why they did it, you just thought “it‟s not that important to be social”.
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What beliefs can hinder your social success? “Don’t ask somebody questions like that. You’ll be imposing.”
“Always be polite. Only speak when spoken to.” “People don’t like to be approached.”
Or maybe your teacher was the eccentric chatty type. And you thought to yourself, “God. I can‟t wait till we get rid of this guy. He is so chatty! It‟s annoying!”
So now you believe being chatty and talkative = annoying, so you stay away from it. You become the opposite quiet type instead.
A belief simply identifies what you feel you can and can not do, or what you should and should not
do.
The mistake people make, however, is that they never challenge them. In our time of youth and moulding, we were shaped with those ideals and beliefs.
As an evolutionary and conscious step, we hit our rebellion teenage years to make sense of the world on our own terms. Teens get confused a lot nowadays. There is so much pulling at them right and left that it‟s hard to know what to believe.
And when it comes to defining beliefs about ourselves- it seems we generally revert back to our old ways anyway after our rebellion.
BELIEVING IN CHANGE
Now comes the part where you start making small changes to become that charismatic guy you‟ve always wanted to be. Or, whoever it is you want to be- it‟s your choice.
25 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T The problem you faced in seeing that charismatic guy or James Bond is that you felt “It is not who I am.”
Clearly we need to change that limiting belief. So remember the rule about contradictions…
Change is a very emotionally charged word. We are so set in our ways that even the idea of interrupting them will cause our own internal Armageddon.
I like to think of change a little bit lighter than that.
I define change as NOT DOING WHAT YOU ONCE DID.
For example, you probably stay away from approaching somebody out of fear. To say you have changed only requires that instead of staying away- you approach and start a conversation.
Ah, but then the infamous, “I did it, but I‟m still scared of doing it again” dilemma comes into play.
I don‟t know why changes have to be seen as so dramatic. We want to be able to wash away all our fears in one big swoop.
Changes can be a small progression, or they can happen in one big life-changing drama.
So let me point out how change works just to clarify the process to you.
HOW CHANGE WORKS
26 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T Imagine an alcoholic family man. He drinks every single day. He doesn‟t think twice about reaching for that bottle of vodka. He has money for a sandwich versus half a bottle of whisky, which does he choose? He doesn‟t even consider it a choice.
That‟s an automatic habit. It‟s very similar to how you probably are (or were) in your social situations. You automatically do some behaviour without feeling any need to question it.
He was stuck at home one day feeling sorry for himself, and something in him just erupted. He doesn‟t know where it sprang from. He obviously couldn‟t have been thinking consciously about anything- he was too drunk to do it. This was his unconscious coming to bite him in the ass.
Instead of confronting it, he grabs his keys and goes out for a drive- fully tanked up with a cocktail of spirits.
He can‟t think straight, he can‟t even see straight- not until he‟s peaked at 80MPH and clips an oncoming car as he veered into the middle of the road, taking up both sides. His car swerves into a wooden fence as he luckily gets control of the car in some open field.
He composes himself, and then drunkenly stumbles back to where he clipped the other car. He‟s sobering up quite quickly now as he nears the source of the horn along the embankment. He gets closer and his eyes widen in fear. It‟s too unimaginable to believe- but he has seen the type of car and even with blurred vision, he can almost make out the registration.
He collapses down into the ditch and peers into the side window- to notice his wife and two little girls dead in the car.
Hmmm, quite a grim story- but that is a very intense and dramatic experience.
From that day, I guarantee that man will never touch another bottle for the rest of his life- no matter how long he had been drinking for, no matter how many days in succession he had been doing it for- alcohol will always be what killed his family.
27 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T The story is made up, but no doubt a possibility that happens in everyday life. For this book though- there is something important in that story that relates to how actual change works.
From it, you can realize that change happens by two things:
1. Repetition
2. Emotional Intensity
The repetition happened daily for him. He drank every single day. He drank to forget, but his unconscious was still circling inside reminding him of his torment- how much of a failure he is by losing his job. Then one day, after he couldn‟t take the inner fight within himself, he tried breaking the cycle by doing something different.
In that state of “something needs to change”, he was hit with an accident that touched him deeply- losing his family.
It was a deep and intense EMOTIONAL impact. And when something hits you with a gut feeling- you make a connection inside yourself and realize that “if I had not been drinking, I would not have been out on the road drunk”.
That link causes the man to look at every beer bottle in disgust. Fortunately, we do not all have to go through such dramatic events to help us change our ways- however the method is still going to be the same…
You will have to look at your own behaviours that prevent you now, and look at them with
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CHANGE- REPETITION WITHOUT EMOTIONAL INTENSITY
We have all tried many ways and methods to change ourselves. We‟ve done it the one time and discovered it hasn‟t worked, and we give up.
Look at people who diet. They have had such a strong pleasurable habit for so long- and that was eating very tasty foods, but at a cost to their appearance and health.
So they go on crash diets to slim down. They try all kinds, but still feel that temptation to go back and have that tasty comfort food. They get called names, stared at etc- but it‟s not enough to change their habits.
Then one day, they go to a family party to sit in a chair, only to find it breaks underneath them. They replay (repetition) that thought through their head for days- feeling the gaze of their family all looking at them on the floor.
For most, depending on their belief and what is important, that could be enough to take that person over the edge.
Emotional intensity hits at different points for everybody. (You can also notice that these experiences have involved FAMILY- a part of their social circle. The opinions of our social circle impact us greatly. In this case, their opinions are used as motivation to change.)
But look at the small changes you probably make daily without you even realizing it.
Maybe you once decided to drink coffee without sugar- and you never looked back.
Maybe you once hated vegetables, now you‟re a vegetarian. Maybe once you went out without alcohol, and you‟ve never touched a drop since.
Maybe once you couldn‟t even get up out of bed. Now you wake up at 6am.
29 | S O C I A L A T T I T U D E A N D M I N D S E T These small changes creep up on us all the time, but nevertheless they are still examples of change- doing something different to what you once did.
The harder changes are obviously the conscious ones- the ones where you have to actually give yourself the “umph” of motivation to do something about it.
But- without the feeling and emotional intensity, the cycle will keep on going. You don‟t have any discomfort to change, hence no reasons to.
SMALL CHANGES CREATE A BELIEF THAT CHANGE IS POSSIBLE
We would all love to be able to do one small thing and have it change us forever. But it will never be ONE small thing that changes you. It has to be earth trembling for it to have any real impact.
If it is a small thing, it will be an accumulation of them.
And also, context always plays a big part. We‟ve all seen celebrities who can get up on stage and WOW thousands if not millions of people. But when you see them in an interview- they go all shy and crumble.
Small changes help you create momentum, and they help to create it in the context that you want to. Little changes like striking up conversations may seem insignificant to your overall social goals- but they are building blocks for REPETITION.
STEP THREE- CONSCIOUS CHANGE
Most changes tend to creep up on you. The other type of change requires some dramatic event or experience to make you say NEVER AGAIN!
