The information contained in this book is provided ‘as is’ without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall Datsusara Media LLC or the authors of this book be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book.
The information in this book is intended as an informative guide only, and does not guar-antee the successful resolution of your relationship problems. By reading or applying the information in the book, you recognize that you are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be considered legal or personal advice.
All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2010 Clay Andrews, Mika Maddela & Datsusara Media LLC Originally published May 2011
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, elec-trical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from the author.
Table of Contents
If You Are Feeling Desperate and Thingking of
Doing Something Drastic...6
Who is Clay Andrews?...7
Introduction...9
What Is Relationship Inner Game?...10
Roots and Leaves - An Analogy on Authentic Relationships...11
This Guide Is About You...11
Part I - Nourishing the Leaves - Cultivating Mindset...14
Having the Right Mindset to Get Her Back...14
Are You Acting Out of Character These Days?...14
How to Calm Irrational Thoughts When Your Ex Is Dating Again...15
What the No Contact Rule Really Means...17
How to Use the No Contact Rule (Or What to Do If You Can’t Cut Contact)...19
Fine-Tuning Your Mindset...21
Awareness...22
What Is Awareness?...22
How Do You Develop Awareness?...23
Awareness Exercise - Mental Reset...25
Awareness Is More Than Just Mental...26
Awareness Exercise - Physical Reset...27
Acceptance...27
What Is Acceptance?...27
Acceptance and Break Ups...28
A Special Note About Needing Your Girlfriend Back vs Wanting Her Back...30
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity...31
Commitment...33
What Is Commitment?...33
Commitment Exercise - Changing Course...36
Commitment Exercise - Speaking Your Truth...37
Integration...37
What Is Integration?...37
How to Overcome the Pain of Heartbreak...38
Advanced Advice for Overcomeing Heartbreak...43
Focus Exercise - Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude...47
Focus Exercise - Burning Away Your Negative Emotions...48
Evaluating What Went Wrong in Your Relationship...51
Conclusion for Nourishing the Roots...51
Part II - Strengthening the Limbs - Your Plan to Get Her Back...53
Knowing If You’re Ready to Contact Your Ex...53
Awareness...55
Awareness Exercise - Soul Gazing...57
Acceptance...58
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity...60
Commitment...61
Commitment Exercise - Holding Your Ground...63
Your Blueprint for Getting Your Girlfriend Back...64
How to Contact Your Ex...64
Sending a Letter...65
Sending an Email...66
What to Do If She Doesn’t Respond...68
What If She Contacts You First...68
Asking Her Out...69
The First Date...71
Oh My God! There She Is! Now What?...72
Key Signs Your Ex Still Likes You...74
Second Dates (and Beyond)...78
Expectations for the Second Date...78
On the Topic of Sex...79
How and When to Bring Up the Subject of Reuniting...81
Long Distance Relationships...82
What to Do If You Have a Negative Experience with Your Ex...83
What If She Has a New Boyfriend Already?...84
If Things Do Not Work Out...86
Part III - Flourishing Leaves - Building a Relationship That Lasts...88
Awareness...88
Acceptance...90
Commitment...91
Common Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them...92
Your Girlfriend Takes You for Granted...92
Failure to “Really” Talk to Each Other...93
Too Much Arguing and Fighting...94
You’ve Become a Jerk...95
You’ve Become a Nice Guy...96
She Says She Can’t Trust You...97
How to Keep Passion in the Relationship...98
If You Are Feeling Desperate and Thinking of Doing Something Drastic
Relationships are very important to us in our lives. They often rank among the most im-portant things in a person’s life next to family, friends, and career. With that said, when your relationship is suddenly gone, it is easy to feel like you need to do something drastic to get your ex’s attention.Whether it’s hurting yourself, hurting your ex, hooking up with random women, seeking revenge in some way, or stalking your ex, I want to let you know that doing something extreme is not going to get you the attention that you want.
Maybe you have fantasies of how some kind of desperate action is going to prove your love to your ex-girlfriend or make her realize how important you are to her.
I want you to take a moment and ask yourself if this is something that is really good for you? Is this the kind of thing that you would be proud to say you did? If it isn’t in line with who you are, it is a desperate cry for help or attention and it isn’t something you should probably do.
If you really need help, go and ask for it. Seek the help of a therapist if you are in extreme pain and feel like you are on the verge of doing something that you will later regret or that you may harm others.
Remember, that you should never use a permanent “solution” for a temporary problem.
I know that there is a good chance you are in a lot of pain right now, but you probably know that this pain will pass with time, one way or the other.
So if you feel completely consumed with the pain of grief, loss, or depression, please get up and go talk to a friend or seek professional help right now.
The best way to get your ex-girlfriend back is to love yourself and become the attractive man that she fell in love with in the first place. That’s what this guide is about.
Who Is Clay Andrews?
My name is Clay Andrews. I’m sorry that we couldn’t have met under better circumstanc-es. I know how difficult it is to get dumped by your girlfriend and want nothing more than to get her back.
Now, before we get into all the details of this program, I wanted to tell you my own per-sonal story.
Now, I’m no “relationship guru” by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never been inter-viewed on talk shows or anything like that. I’m just your regular guy. I live in Portland, Oregon and I sit in front of a computer all day typing and doing work for my company. Here’s my break up story from a few years ago:
Now, my girlfriend Stacy was a few years younger than me. I had just finished college and got my first “real” job about the same time that Stacy was finishing up community college. I remember when she called me. I was at the grocery store doing some shopping. She sounded so excited. She told me that she had just gotten accepted to Central Washington University in Ellensburg, Washington.
I suppose if you were to look on a map, Ellensburg isn’t really that far from where I live, but at the time I didn’t own a car (after all, college is expensive). Every other weekend or so I would take the Greyhound bus out to Ellensburg to visit and spend some time with her.
city” and visit me.
But then things started to take a turn for the worse. We had a few arguments and a couple long “talks.” I’m sure you know how those usually go.
Anyway, one day, I had gotten home from a long day of work and was changing into a T-shirt and jeans to relax when she called me.
She said that she couldn’t “do this” anymore and that she needed to break up with me. I remember hanging up the phone in tears. It felt so unreal. I felt a queasy feeling in my stomach and everything just seemed like it was all some sort of horrible dream. Make that nightmare.
Over the next few days, it was a real struggle just to go into work. My mind would keep going back to Stacy. Had she hooked up with that guy she would always talk about in her History class? Maybe if I could just tell her how much I loved her she would come back to me.
Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly very productive during this period in my life.
One night, I was hanging out with one of my close friends when he told me that she actu-ally did hook up with that guy in her History class (his name was Josh). It’s amazing how good your intuition can be sometimes.
This made me feel even worse. To think that I was suffering here on my own, while she was enjoying a new relationship with her new boyfriend.
I felt like crap, to put it mildly.
my-parted ways a few years later due to other circumstances, but that’s another story. I’ve written for men’s and women’s relationship advice websites since 2009, helping men and women across the world enjoy better relationships.
I’m telling you all this because I want you to understand that I really get what you’re going through.
I know it can be tough to have your girlfriend dump you. I’ve been there myself. I know what it’s like to have to get up from your desk at work because you feel so crappy that you need to just go to the restroom and cry.
I want you to know that all the information in this guide is the very best that I know of and I sincerely hope that you can use it to help you get your girlfriend back and help you be-come a better and stronger person, both in your love life and in your personal life.
Your Friend, Clay Andrews
Introduction
Let’s get a few things straight before we dive into this program here. There are a lot of “relationship gurus” that will tell you specific things to do or say to get your ex back. Maybe these things will work, but unless you’re willing to look at yourself and your rela-tionship, and unless you’re willing to change what didn’t work the first time that led up to the break up, you’re relationship will probably end with another break up within 1 to 3 months.
This guide isn’t about hypnotizing your ex or using psychological tricks to manipulate your girlfriend back (yes, I’ve actually seen this kind of crap before--maybe you have too). This guide isn’t about pulling a fast one your ex or fooling her into coming back.
This guide is about improving yourself and taking a close look at why your relationship failed. This guide is about rekindling that initial spark that brought you and your girlfriend together in the first place and allowing for the natural attraction between the two of you to come back (not tricking her into coming back).
If you’re looking for sneaky, underhanded tricks to get your girlfriend back, then this guide is not for you.
After all, you wouldn’t want to get your girlfriend back by trickery, would you? How lousy would you feel waking up in the morning, looking at her and thinking that she’s not really there because she loves you or because she wants to be with you, but only because you manipulated and tricked her. For me, that would be one of the worst feelings in the world, and not something I would wish on anyone.
Wouldn’t it be better to wake up, seeing her there and knowing that she is there by your side because she genuinely and truly cares about you, and that she made the conscious choice to be there with you and give your relationship a second shot?
If you want a real and authentic relationship that both you and your girlfriend can be ex-cited about, then keep reading.
What Is the Inner Game of Relationships?
Maybe you’ve heard of the term “inner game” before. A lot of guys out in the dating scene use this term to describe their beliefs and mentality about meeting women. After all, if you have “bad inner game” you’ll be too nervous and awkward to approach an attractive woman. On the other hand, if you have “strong inner game” you’ll be able to confidently approach any woman you want and ask her out easily.
chances are good that you could benefit from working on your inner game.
Roots and Leaves - An Analogy on Authentic Relationships
Try to think of it like this. You know a tree doesn’t grow from the outside in. A tree grows from the roots upward.
Your relationship is the exact same way. It doesn’t grow from memorizing tips and tricks on how to manipulate your girlfriend. It grows from the coming together of two unique people with love, affection, and passion.
Tips and tricks are like trying to help a dying tree by stapling healthy leaves to it to give it the appearance of being healthy. This isn’t going to make the tree healthy. The tree will still be dying.
Even if these psychological tricks did work and your ex did get back together with you, would anything in the relationship be different? No, the same problems would still be there, and it won’t take her long to realize this and leave again.
Instead, if you water the roots and make sure they get enough nutrients, then you can get the tree to the point where it becomes healthy again and the leaves naturally begin to grow and flourish on their own. The tree is healthy again to the core.
This is what I’d like to help you with in your relationship. This guide is about helping you nourish yourself so that you can be a more genuine and authentic person in your relation-ship and get your girlfriend back so that the two of you can enjoy a renewed and fulfilling relationship together.
This Guide Is About You
You cannot control another person. No matter how hard you try, if the woman in your life is convinced that she is better off without you and she won’t talk to you no matter what
you do, there is very little that can be done to fix the relationship. The one thing you can control though, is you.
This guide will show you how to be the most real and genuine person you can be. This guide will help you access your real personality and cut through things like desperation and insecurity that are holding you back. This guide will give you the best chance you’ve got at ethically winning your girlfriend back and making your relationship stronger than it was before.
The Ex Solution Program is divided into 3 parts.
The first section is about you. If you’re anything like me, you were are a complete
wreck in the aftermath of your break up. You feel horrible, you can barely function during the day, and you can’t sleep at night.
Maybe you’ve done some things that you regret like calling your girlfriend several times a day to beg her to take you back, buying gifts for her, apologizing even though you don’t know what you’re apologizing for, or drunk dialing her. This section is going to help you pull yourself together, get over the pain of the break up, and become the man that she fell in love with the first time.
The second section is about her. After you’ve done the appropriate work on yourself
to get your emotions under control and really understand why the relationship didn’t work out, this section will show you how to approach your ex-girlfriend and win her back. I know how anxious you probably feel about talking to your ex right now. This section will help guide you by the hand through exactly how you should contact her, what you should do when you meet her, and how exactly you should propose getting back together again.
The third section is about your relationship. By this point you should be back together
Here we’re going to make sure that you don’t end up like this.
Here you’ll discover the how to maintain a strong and successful relationship that can stand the test of time. If you can get this stuff right, you won’t have to worry about your girlfriend ever leaving you again.
Part I - Nourishing the Roots - Cultivating Mindset
Having the Right Mindset to Get Her Back
Things may seem tough right now, and I totally understand how you’re feeling right now. It can seem like your whole life is falling apart. Most of all you feel a little panic, as if she’s going to find another guy to hook up with, and you’ll just end up being a footnote in her life. A lot of guys go a little crazy when they first get dumped and they do a lot of things that just aren’t in character with who they are. In the midst of many breakups a lot of men don’t act like themselves. They might call their ex-girlfriend several times per day, following her every move on Facebook, or even end up stalking her.
If this is something you might be doing, then I strongly recommend that you keep reading. It’s easy to get carried away with obsessive thoughts about what she’s up to, why she left you, or if she is with someone else. What did you do to make her leave you? Was it because you weren’t good enough? Sometimes you might even stay up all night worrying about things like this, completely unable to sleep (I know I have).
This isn’t a healthy mindset to have if you really want to be successful at getting her back and saving your relationship. What I’ll show you how to do in this guide is to get past the emotional pain of the break up, get your mindset in line with what you need for success, and show you exactly what you need to do to get her back into your life again.
Are You Acting Out of Character These Days?
Some people who respond to breakups very irrationally and feel compelled to do things that just aren’t in character with who they are. If this resonates with you, then pay atten-tion to this. I know that the sudden loss of someone you love is unbearably painful. It may feel as if you have this gaping hole in your chest that is causing pain every time you even
so much as breathe. Not only is your heart crushed but so is your mind, body and spirit. If you’re thinking about doing something drastic, ask yourself this:
At what point did you decide to give up your own self-worth?
No matter how much pain you’re in right now, you should always maintain your own sense of self-respect and dignity.
How to Calm Irrational Thoughts When Your Ex is Dating Again
You need to calm your mind so you can act like yourself and get on the path to getting your ex back. The scariest thought running through your head is probably that your ex is moving on with her life and you’ll never see her again. Do you often worry that she will find another guy better than you or just plain forget you? These thoughts will not help you get your ex back whatsoever.
Keep in mind that if you and your girlfriend have been together for awhile, she is still think-ing about you just as you’re thinkthink-ing about her. I can guarantee that.
Don’t believe me? Even if your ex-girlfriend started dating again, you’re still on her mind. Why? Because you and your her have a history together. And in that history you two shared a deep intimacy. You shared a certain depth that doesn’t come within the first few months of dating. Deep intimacy is something that takes time to build.
Intimacy doesn’t happen over night or even over the course of a few weeks. Yes, it may seem like she has moved on, but the truth is, she still thinks about you. You and your ex shared a certain vulnerability that she hasn’t had a chance to share with the other man she may be seeing.
She may try to fake it by bringing her new relationship up to the same level as the one you two had, but trust me, even if the two of them are engaged or getting very serious, it isn’t the real thing. Sooner or later the pressure on the their new relationship will become too
much and, like most rebound relationships, it will fall apart.
Rebound relationships rarely work out because if your girlfriend jumps into a new relation-ship before she’s had the time to process all the emotions and feelings of the break up, then all those feelings will be dumped onto her new partner. That alone is enough to end most new relationships.
Also, she will often compare her new relationship with the one you two shared. Her re-lationship with her new boyfriend may be different and new to her, but she will still be thinking about the memories that she shared with you. These will prevent her from truly moving on and enjoying the new relationship despite how rosy it may seem to you from the outside looking in.
Some guys might even respond to a break up by trying to date another woman to “get even” or to go out and pick up women at bars or clubs. This isn’t really advisable either since you, yourself haven’t had the time to process your own feelings about the break up. In a way, you’re just bottling them up and trying to ignore your own pain from the break up. Not to mention the fact that if your ex-girlfriend finds out that you are dating someone new, she will probably take that as a sign you have moved on and that she should move on too. So, if you want to get her back, don’t date anyone new--flirting is fine, but nothing more. Or maybe, you just feel trapped in feelings of depression. Maybe you can barely face the world each day. Just going to work or doing basic things throughout the day is nearly impossible with the emotional pain you’re dealing with.
Perhaps you’re playing the “blame game.” Do you spend all day analyzing what went wrong in your relationship? If only you had done this and not that, you wouldn’t be going through this painful mess. Does this sound a lot like you? It’s one thing to take responsibil-ity for the breakup but it’s another thing to blame yourself. It takes two people to make a relationship succeed or fail, so don’t feel like you’re completely to blame for what
hap-Don’t blame yourself but do take responsibility. You are going to have to own up to what happened between you and your ex. I’m not saying full responsibility but just accept that fact that in some way or another you contributed to the breakup.
Key Points and Action Steps:
• Don’t worry if your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new at this point. She hasn’t forgotten you.
• Don’t try to date other women in an attempt to make her jealous if your plan is to get her back.
• Don’t blame yourself for everything that went wrong. Relationships take two people to work.
What the No Contact Rule Really Means
This is where the No Contact rule comes into play.Simply put, all you have to do is completely stop any future text messages, phone calls, letters, emails and so forth to your girlfriend for at least one month. This means ALL com-munications. This also means no sex. Ideally, what you will be doing is vanishing off the face of the earth, from her perspective.
You’re going to do this for three important reasons:
First, as we’ve just discussed, you’re going through a lot of complex emotions right now. You probably feel rejected, lost, hurt, and eager to make things right with your
girlfriend. Cutting all contact with her will help you find the time you need to heal and get your emotions back to normal.
Second, this is actually what your ex-girlfriend wants. No matter what reason your
girlfriend gave you for breaking up with your, or no matter what she said about staying friends, she really just wants space away from the relationship (at least for now).
This might be difficult, but she really just wants time away from you and the relationship for now. Instinctively, you probably feel that you need to fix things or that you just need to get through to her and let her know how much you love her to make things better.
However, this won’t really work. In fact, it explains exactly why many people’s attempts to get their girlfriend back by calling her several times per day to explain their feelings, beg her to come back, or apologizing for things simply fail.
The more you reach out to her, the more she feels like you aren’t hearing her request for space away from the relationship. This makes her feel like she has to pull away even further from you to get the space she wants to think things over and put things in perspec-tive.
A lot of guys really screw up their chances of getting back together with their girlfriend or saving their relationship because of this very reason. They may have been perfectly capable of getting her back, but because he couldn’t back off and give her some space, she just kept pushing him away until he was completely out of her life for good.
Third, the No Contact rule will also help your girlfriend miss you. By completely
dis-appearing from her life, she is forced to live with the consequences of her choice to break up with you. If you are constantly talking to her on the phone, spending time with her, or even having sex with her, then she really doesn’t suffer much loss at all. She gets all the benefits of having boyfriend, but without the commitment.
In fact, she is having it both ways, which really isn’t fair to you. This allows her to use you, if she really wants to. She can date around and enjoy single life, all the while knowing that she can easily fall back on you if things don’t work out.
If you just back off and give her that space, she will feel what it’s like to not have you in her life and more often than not, she’ll probably even call you up or ask you to get together
her has only fallen on deaf ears, this can seem like a godsend.
However, I don’t recommend doing the No Contact rule for the sole purpose of getting her to contact you because she misses you. Ideally, you’ll want to do this for the first two reasons--either to help yourself heal or the respect her wish for space--rather than trying to manipulate or trick her into talking to you.
If you’re interested in just manipulating her, then I’m afraid you’ve got a long and probably painful road for yourself ahead. Again, this eBook is about cultivating the inner mindset you need to get your girlfriend back and to enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship. Just going after tactics without acquiring the proper mindset is going to make things much more challenging and much less effective.
Key Points and Action Steps:
• No Contact for on month will give you time to heal.
• You will be giving your girlfriend the space that she really wants. • She will be forced to live with the consequences of her decision.
How to Use the No Contact Rule (Or What to Do If You Can’t Cut
Con-tact)
The No Contact rule is fairly straightforward. Simply, just cut off all contact with your ex-girlfriend for one month. This includes:
• Talking on the phone • Talking in person • Having sex with her • Sending her gifts
• Talking to her friends or family • Text messaging her
• Emailing her
• Looking at her Facebook profile or other website profiles • Instant messaging her
• Any other form of interaction between you and her
Now, depending on your situation, you may not be able to do all of these things. For ex-ample, if you work with your ex-girlfriend, you won’t be able to help but see her or talk to her from time to time.
If this is the case, just keep the interactions strictly professional. Don’t add any sort of humor or personality to them whatsoever. Just act as though the two of you never had any sort of romantic relationship or friendship at all.
This may seem cold, but again, you can’t go giving her the benefits of being in a relation-ship, such as enjoying emotional intimacy, without the commitment of a relationship. So, basically, cut all contact with her that you can. If you can’t completely cut contact for one reason or another, just keep it professional and eliminate the remaining forms of contact that you can.
The most effective way to apply the No Contact rule is to simply vanish off the face of the earth from her point of view. This is especially true if you perhaps did some things that may have been a bit desperate to try to get through to her at initially.
Just going completely silent in an instant will make her wonder what happened and it will keep you on her thoughts more than if you specifically told her that you were cutting con-tact. This will allow her to truly feel the loss of having you around without thinking that it’s just some kind of phase you are going through.
You don’t have to do this, but in my experience, just completely vanishing will give you the best results. Either way, stop contacting your ex-girlfriend for one month to give yourself the time to heal, to respect her desire for space, and to make her live with the
conse-In the next sections, I’ll show you what to do during this one month period, how to ease back into communication, and start dating again.
Key Points and Action Steps:
• To do No Contact, completely sever all forms of communication with your girlfriend.
• If you are unable to completely cut contact due to circumstances, keep your • interactions professional while eliminating other forms of contact.
Fine-Tuning Your Mindset
Now before we go into specific things to do during your one month of No Contact, I want to go over a few simple points that we’re going to be referring to over and over again throughout this guide. These are qualities that you can cultivate in yourself that will help you both in your life in general and in your relationship. During your one month of No Contact, you should work on cultivating these qualities.
These qualities are: • Awareness • Acceptance • Commitment
And once you begin cultivating these 3 things in your life, you will start to notice that all your relationship problem will naturally and easily resolve themselves.
Once you have all 3 qualities and you can feel completely fine with who you are, the pas-sion will naturally flow out of your relationship and your life. This is the secret to keeping the “spark” in your relationship. The love and romance will flow naturally and you won’t have to struggle or memorize “relationship guru” tips to help you keep your relationship alive and well.
Anyway, here is a detailed description of the 3 elements and specifically how they relate to you as an individual (don’t worry, in the upcoming sections of this book, we’ll cover how to use them when relating to your girlfriend and your relationship as well).
Awareness
What Is Awareness?
Why is Awareness so important to you and helping you get your girlfriend back or sustain a relationship? Think of it like this:
Imagine you look out the window and you see a man walking down the street. Not on the sidewalk, but in the middle of the street. There are cars swerving around him and honking their horns at him, but he is completely oblivious to them.
You rush outside to help him. You warn him about all the danger he is in by walking down the middle of the street. You tell him that he might get hit by a car, but he simply brushes everything you say off as not true and keeps marching down the middle of the street. You follow him, concerned for his general safety and you see him about to walk up a free-way onramp. You know he’ll be in even greater danger if he makes it to the freefree-way. It’s not a matter of if, but when, he’ll be hit by a car traveling at 60 miles per hour. You beg and plead for him to stop doing what he’s doing, but he tells you that it’s completely safe and that there is no danger.
Now imagine for a moment that there might be ways that you could be sleepwalking through your own life and your relationships in this way.
Or think of it like this. Imagine what it is like to be a goldfish, spending your entire life swimming in water. If someone asked you about the water you were swimming in, you wouldn’t know what they were talking about. As a goldfish, you spend your whole life in
it. You’re so involved in it, so swimming in it, that you don’t even realize it’s there. At all. Awareness is about finding that realization when you finally “get” that you’re swimming in water, sometimes for your entire life. Awareness is about seeing how you’re being and what you’re doing both consciously and unconsciously in your relationship with yourself and with your girlfriend.
Could it be possible that there are things in your life and in your relationships that you are completely unaware of, but are actually very damaging to you and the very relationship you want to enjoy?
Cultivating Awareness is about learning to see the things that you do and the dynamics in your relationship that you were previously unaware of.
By gaining Awareness into small (or big) things that you were previously unaware of, you can suddenly have the power to choose how you respond to them instead of merely sleepwalking through your relationship and your life like our friend in the street or the goldfish from the above stories.
Building Awareness is about waking from the places in our lives where we are sleepwalk-ing and beginnsleepwalk-ing to consciously decide how we handle the situations we encounter in our lives and in our relationships.
To put it in other words, Awareness gives you the power to choose how you respond to something, where before you may have only been reacting automatically.
Awareness is about choice.
How Do You Develop Awareness?
You will naturally start to become more Aware when you practice being in the present moment.
Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably heard that phrase before, being “in the moment,” but aside from some hippie talk, you really don’t understand what it means. All it really means is bringing your full attention to this moment as it is happening right now. You see, not many people really live in the moment. They get distracted by their mind and it takes them off to places other than the present where they lose Awareness. Whenever you are not in the present moment, your mind is either in one of the following 4 places:
• In the past - If only things could be good like they were when we first started dating
• In the future - What am I going to say if I see here this weekend?
• Judging yourself - I’m such a loser for not showing her how important she is to me.
• Judging others - How could my girlfriend be so insensitive and date someone new so soon?
If you ever catch yourself thinking of any of these four things, you know you are not fully in the present moment. The present moment has nothing to do with the past or the future, and it cannot judge anyone or anything as good or bad or anything else. The present simply is. There is also no suffering in the present moment because that requires that you compare the present to something else.
If you are feeling horrible about your break up or because you miss your girlfriend, there is a very good chance that you are not being fully present. This doesn’t mean that you should bottle up your feelings or push them aside. If you genuinely feel sad in the mo-ment, then you can and should express that sadness, but to numb yourself from it or to obsess over it is definitely not Awareness.
Key Points and Actions Steps:
• Awareness is about choice.
• Awareness is about waking up to what is really going on.
• Do the following two exercises to help you expand your Awareness on a regular basis.
Awareness Exercise - Mental Reset
For centuries, many cultures have stressed the importance of meditation in helping you to live in the moment. Now, I’m not saying you need to go up into the mountains and meditate for decades on end to start to build Awareness in your life.
All you need to do is practice this simple meditation exercise for about 5 minutes per day to help bring your focus back to the present moment:
Find a quiet place where you can be alone for about 5 minutes. Maybe this is a room in your house, a park down the street, or maybe just in your car while its parked in the driveway.
Close your eyes and simply focus your mind on your breathing. Only pay attention to your breathing. If at anytime you notice your attention goes to something else, let that be okay and simply bring your attention back to your breath.
If you try this, you’ll probably discover that this is incredibly difficult to do. Don’t feel bad about that (after all, that’s a judgement of yourself, isn’t it?). It is quite difficult to tame the “monkey mind” from running amok from one thought to the next, but with some work you can begin to find calmness and the ability to dwell in the present moment.
This exercise is a great way to deal with stress in your life, either from your relationship or from anything else. Simply take a few minutes each day and focus on your breath, and you’ll be surprised not only at how much more Aware you feel, but also how this
dramati-cally decreases your stress.
Awareness Is More Than Just Mental
Don’t think that Awareness is just about focusing your mind though. Although Awareness is very much about your mental focus on the present moment, it is also about bringing your physical body into the present moment as well.
Maybe this is something you might have difficulty believing if this is the first time you’ve ever heard something like this before. But our physical bodies are very much connected to how we feel and what we think.
Remember the last time you were really stressed out about something? If you’re like most people, you probably started to feel tense in your neck and shoulders. If the stress went on for quite awhile, like say a few weeks, chances are it just became “normal” to you and you just kept going through your life day in and day out so accustomed to stress that you no longer even noticed it. But your body didn’t forget. Your shoulders and neck still stayed tense, like when you have stress knots in your shoulders.
You see, we can store forgotten emotions in our bodies. After awhile, these parts of our bodies just go numb to a certain extent. I don’t mean numb in the same way as you would feel if your leg fell asleep, but numb like this:
Can you feel your belly? What does it feel like? Are there any muscle in your abdomen that tensed up right now, that maybe you didn’t realize until just now? Can you feel your abdomen brush up against your shirt as you breathe in and out?
Now if you’re like most people, then you probably didn’t notice much at all. It’s actually fairly common for people these days to be completely numb or not “in” their bodies at all. Don’t worry though, with practice you can start to drop into your body and really begin to feel your body again.
Awareness Exercise - Physical Reset
This is a simple exercise you can do to start to get back in touch with your body.
Find a quiet place you can rest undisturbed for about 5 or 10 minutes and close your eyes. Now, focus your mind on your feet. Can you feel your feet pressed against the floor or the inside your shoes? What do they feel like? Are they tired?
Slowly, one bit at a time move your attention from your feet to your toes, ankles, shins, knees, thighs, crotch, hips, belly, chest, shoulders, arms, face, forehead, scalp, neck, up-per back, lower back, and buttocks. Take the time to really feel each of them and notice how you hold each part of your body. Notice places where you are tense or numb.
Again, don’t worry if this is difficult for you, or you don’t particularly feel anything the first time you do this. Keep practicing it and you will start to develop that Awareness of your body and how it feels.
This exercise may perhaps be easier for you if you were to listen to a recording guiding you through it. Please listen to the recording you got with this product titled Physical
Reset to help you with dropping into your body.
Acceptance
What Is Acceptance?
If the first step in authentic relationships is building Awareness, then the second is Accep-tance. Awareness deals with what you are aware of and how much of yourself you bring to the relationship or to your experience of life, both mentally and physically; Acceptance deals with how much you are willing to accept what you are noticing with your girlfriend, yourself, or your relationship.
Acceptance is difficult to describe, but it is often easier to describe what it is not.
You are not in Acceptance when you feel like your girlfriend needs to be a certain way or do certain things (this includes getting back together with you).
You are not in Acceptance when you feel that you need to be a certain way in order to be loved or to love others.
You are not in Acceptance when you feel that your relationship needs to be a certain way or look like something else in order to be happy (or if you are resisting and fighting against the fact that you broke up).
To put it in other words, you are not in Acceptance whenever you resist what is happening or what happened, when you try to force someone into a box or you “need” them to be a certain way, when you are attached to something playing out in a specific way.
Acceptance is complete detachment from any outcome. I know this may be challenging for you, but if you let it be okay that your girlfriend broke up with you, then your chances of getting her back will dramatically increase.
Now when I am recommending that you detach yourself from any given outcome and let what happens be okay, this doesn’t mean that you have to agree with the break up or that you should be happy about it. It simply means that you don’t resist it.
Acceptance and Break Ups
Now, if you’ve been dumped and you’ve maybe done a few things you probably aren’t particularly proud of in the past few days or weeks, there’s a good chance you haven’t been accepting the break up.
on every Facebook update, you’ll try to read into every conversation she has with you looking for signs that she misses you, you’ll worry about if she has a new boyfriend or not. Maybe you’ll try to do things to get your ex back. Maybe you’ve called her, begged for her to take you back, or tried buying her gifts. Maybe you’ve even learned a few of those manipulation tricks that other people teach. But you know, those don’t work otherwise you wouldn’t be here now.
The problem with them is that they involve trying to get your ex back. And when you are
trying to be something or do something to win your girlfriend back you are not accepting
the reality, which is that she wants space from you and the relationship. And we all know that the harder you try the harder it is to get her back.
When you adopt Acceptance, you don’t have to try to get your girlfriend back, you can simply accept the break up and respond from there. This isn’t something you can fake. If you pretend to accept it and you’re not really, then it will come across as phoney and you’ll just seem apathetic and distant.
Again, this isn’t something that is easy to do, but if you can get this, then it will just blow open doors of possibility with you and your ex.
To put it another way, Acceptance is about being emotionally okay with what is happened in your life. By “emotionally okay” I don’t mean that you are happy about what happened, just that you accept that it happened and you aren’t resisting it.
When you resist something like a break up, you add extra emotional suffering to it and you try to fight against reality. When you accept it, you may still feel sadness, but you won’t add extra pain to it by resisting it, and you will also be in a much more balanced state of mind to take effective action to get your ex back.
A Special Note About Needing Your Girlfriend Back vs. Wanting Her
Back
I know this applies to a lot of people who have been dumped, so I want to take a moment to ask you if you feel that you need your girlfriend back or if you want your girlfriend back. Maybe you’re wondering what the difference is. There is a huge difference between
want-ing or needwant-ing your ex.
Needing someone to love you is very unattractive and unappealing. When your girlfriend left you, you found that your life had a sudden void in it. That’s why many guys can’t help but feel like they need her back. This is where you’re going to have to change your per-spective. You can carry on with your life without her. There is a huge difference between needing someone or wanting someone.
For example, picture two guys at a bar. One is just a normal guy and the other one is an alcoholic. The normal guy thinks it would be fun to have a few beers and hang out for a bit, but the alcoholic feels that he needs alcohol in order to deal with his life. Do you think these two men would make different choices throughout the night? How about throughout their entire lives? Which do you think is more likely to enjoy himself and just be happier in general? Which do you think is probably more fun to be around?
Now, consider two guys who just got dumped by their girlfriends. One would like to have his girlfriend back and the other needs his girlfriend back. Do you think that these two men would make different choices when dealing with their ex-girlfriends? Do you think that these men would likely get different results when it comes to actually getting her back? You better believe it!
You see, if you feel like you need your girlfriend back, she’ll pick up on this. She’ll know that you’ve got it bad for her and she knows that she can come back to you whenever she feels like it. She’ll go out and date all kinds of guys with the security of knowing that you are her fall back in case anything goes wrong. Maybe she doesn’t consciously think this,
but on an unconscious level, she probably does.
Or, if you approached her from the standpoint of needing her back, you would act and behave in a very different way than if you wanted her back. You probably already know this. As an extreme example, this is the difference between the guy that begs and pleads for her to take him back verses the cool and relaxed guy and masterfully wins back her love with charisma and charm.
You have to understand that your girlfriend broke up with you for a reason. There is no way that you can convince her to take you back with logic, explaining, or apologies. You can not control anyone’s emotions or thoughts. Trying to change her mind or convince her that she is making a mistake will only make you look more desperate and undesirable. Who wants someone in their lives that tells them what they do or don’t want? Not many people, and I’m guessing your girlfriend is no different.
Key Points and Action Steps:
• Acceptance is about being okay emotionally with what is happening. • You are not in Acceptance when you resist or fight against what is.
• There is a huge difference between needing your girlfriend back and wanting her back
• Do the following two exercises regularly to cultivate Acceptance.
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity
Simply find a place to sit down. This could be anywhere such as a park, the mall, or any-where else. Then simply just soak in everything you see and experience.
Notice if you put any judgments on anything. Such as “that screaming baby is annoying” or “that girl is so hot, she’d never talk to me.”
Simply soak them in and let them impact you.
When you notice that you start to label someone or put them in a certain category, try to remind yourself that these are real people who all have their own dreams, fears, and aspirations. They have their own feelings just like you, and do their best to find their own small piece of happiness in this world, the same as you do.
At the same time, notice how you feel in your body or any passing thoughts in your mind while you do this. Again, the idea isn’t to judge or label anyone. Just notice your body and your thoughts and try to just treat them like clouds passing through the sky on a sum-mer day.
This will probably be difficult at first, but with more practice you can start to let go of the part of you that judges, categorizes, and labels your experience of the world around you.
Appreciation Exercise - Mirror Affirmations
An important distinction to make is between need and desire. Again, if you approach your ex-girlfriend from a needy place, you will be much less likely to get her back. The main difference between neediness and desire is this:
Neediness = I’m not okay without her
Desire = I’m okay without her, but I still want her
This is an enormous distinction to make. Neediness is unattractive because, in a sense, you become dependent on her for your emotional well-being. No one likes that kind of pressure placed on them.
The goal isn’t to become needless. That would just strip you of your own humanity. The goal here is to shift from looking outside of yourself to meet your emotional needs to find-ing ways that you can satisfy your own emotional needs yourself. For example, many
reactions to determine how they feel. Instead, you will have a much easier time if you can learn how to base how you feel on yourself rather than other people.
A good way to do this is to stand in front of a mirror every day (preferably before going to bed or after waking up), stare yourself in the eye, and repeat an affirmation such as “Everything is okay” or some other custom affirmation that you might find more useful for 10 to 15 minutes.
Here are a few affirmations you might want to consider: • Everything is okay
• I am okay
• I can handle this • I love myself
You can also come up with other affirmations on your own. Just remember that the best affirmations are stated in the present tense (“I am okay” rather than “I will be okay”) and reflect something positive (“I love myself” rather than “I don’t hate myself”).
The act of staring yourself in the eye in a mirror is extremely important. You may have done affirmations before with little results, but if you try doing them in a mirror on a daily basis, you will super-charge them. Staring yourself in the eye gives you the experience of focusing on someone and being focused on by someone simultaneously. A lot of people resist this (ever notice how few people keep eye contact?) and doing this practice will help you build the capacity to handle a lot of emotional intensity.
Commitment
What is Commitment?
By Commitment, I’m not talking about what most people think of as Commitment. I’m not talking about wedding bells or any of that. The type of Commitment I’m talking about how committed you are to your core beliefs and values, both for yourself and the relationship.
This is the foundation of trust and devotion from your partner.
You see, a lot of guys, especially guys that have just gotten dumped, recently tend to feel very shaken. Your relationship is one of the most important things in your life, and when it suddenly disappears, you can understandably feel like your entire life is spiraling out of control.
Learning Commitment is about learning to own your experience and to be honest about how you are feeling. Commitment is about acting with integrity.
For example if one of your friends heard about your break up and asked you how you were feeling these days, you would not be owning your experience and speaking your truth if you told him, “I’m doing fine” when on the inside you really felt lousy and depressed. On the other hand, you would be owning your experience if you told him “You know, I ac-tually feel pretty cruddy these days. This break up is pretty tough for me.” Now you don’t have to start crying or anything like that, but the simple fact that you spoke your honest truth and owned your experience means you were acting with integrity and Committing yourself to being honest and transparent.
Similarly, I know of a guy that I was helping with his break up. He was 22 and his girlfriend was 20 years old. In the United States, where he lives, you’re not allowed to purchase alcohol until you’re 21 years old. His girlfriend was having a New Years party (which he wasn’t invited to by the way) and she asked him to by alcohol for her and her friends. He declined, thankfully.
This is a great example of acting with Commitment to your values. He showed a huge back bone by not caving to her every whim in the hopes of getting her back.
If you’ve already done a few things that you normally wouldn’t just to try to win the favor of your ex-girlfriend, that’s okay. Just recognize that you compromised your integrity and
A good way to tell if you are not acting with integrity is to notice any time you feel bad after doing something. Guilt or shame is a huge indicator that what you did is not in alignment with your core values.
(Note: This doesn’t mean that what you did was wrong, just that, at least part of you, doesn’t believe that you should have done that. Many people have psychological com-plexes that make they feel guilty for things that are really perfectly innocent, like asking for help, for example)
Another way to tell you aren’t owning your experience is any time you say something that can be argued. For example, if you were to ever say something like “my girlfriend is such a bitch for dumping me!” that would not be acting from a place of Commitment. That statement can be argued and thus it isn’t your real, genuine experience. However, if you said something like “I feel betrayed and angry that my girlfriend dumped me,” then that is owning your truth.
The difference is subtle, but it makes a world of difference. No one can really debate how you feel, but it certainly is debatable whether or not your girlfriend is a “bitch.”
Key Points and Action Steps:
• Commitment is acting in accordance with your own values.
• Commitment is owning your own experience and speaking your truth. • If you feel guilt or shame after you did something, you are probably not in alignment with your values.
• This does not necessarily mean what you did was wrong.
• You are speaking your truth if no one can argue against what you say. • Do the following exercises to help you cultivate Commitment in your life.
Commitment Exercise - Changing Course
Commitment and integrity is about more than just doing what you say you’re going to do and showing up on time for meetings. It is about living in alignment with your beliefs and values.
We’ll get into this more in a bit, but can you think of anything that you feel deeply com-pelled to do--maybe you even know that you should do it--but you just haven’t done it for one reason or another?
Maybe you want to get a better job, maybe you have been putting back going to school, or perhaps you know you should be doing something like the one month of No Contact we talked about earlier. If you feel pulled to do something for your better good, but you haven’t done it yet, this is the perfect time to do it.
Choose one thing you can do to make your life better and commit yourself do following through on it.
Sometimes it is difficult for people to get the initial momentum they need to follow through with something, especially if they have been stuck in a rut for awhile. If that is you, here is a trick you can use to help leverage yourself.
Say, you’ve decided you’re going to start exercising and lose some weight. Set a measur-able goal such as “I will exercise at the gym at least three times each week.” Then tell a friend about this goal. In order to help you follow through have him check up with you regularly as an accountability update. If you ever fail to go to the gym 3 times in a week (or whatever), you owe him $20 or some other form of “punishment.”
Oftentimes we may let our goals slip, but if there is money or something else important to us on the table, we are more likely to follow through.
Commitment Exercise - Speaking Your Truth
Feel free to disagree or to be vulnerable. A lot of people have a difficult time disagreeing with others, and guys especially have a hard time being vulnerable with their emotions. In your daily life, practice either disagreeing with others when they say something that you genuinely disagree with --or-- try being completely honest and transparent with your feel-ings and your experience of your life the next time someone asks you how you’re doing. If you are like most guys, it is probably difficult for you to express your emotions. Men, at least in western countries, have a notion that “real men” don’t have feelings. This really isn’t the case, but still it might take some time to overcome the societal conditioning. It may make you uncomfortable at first, but trust me, it will really help you down the road. So, either notice times when you feel compelled to say “yes” when you want to say “no” and find the courage to actually say “no” --or-- find the courage to honestly share your feelings with someone even though it may be uncomfortable for you.
What you may discover is that speaking your truth actually makes things easier than hold-ing it back.
Integration
What Is Integration?
This section cuts across all the previous three levels we’ve discussed so far. This section is about learning to feel perfectly grounded and accepting of yourself as a whole, but also realizing that you are not perfect and committing yourself to constantly moving toward becoming your best self.
and emotional wounds. However, moving forward with this section of the guide I’ll share specific things you can do to help you blast through limiting beliefs and heal emotional wounds.
At one point in your relationship, you and your girlfriend were crazy in love with each other until the stresses of everyday life caused negative emotions to build up and tear your relationship apart.
All you have to do is get yourself back to being that man she fell in love with in the first place and all the work is done for you. Here’s a hint: You already are this man. You just need to shed the negative emotions and get out of any rut you may have fallen into before the break up.
Now, I’m going to take you by the hand and help you get your emotions in check and overcome the pain of heartbreak so you can approach your girlfriend with the best mental attitude in order to get her back.
How to Overcome the Pain of Heartbreak
If you’re like most people that get dumped, you probably feel pretty low right now. Maybe it even seems like a real struggle just to get through the day. Every morning you get up and go to work, you have to pass by all the restaurants and other places that you and your girlfriend went to and shared good times at. It can feel like a real painful burden to deal with.
But here are a four things you should be doing on a regular basis to help you get over your heartbreak. It is especially important that you do these during the one month No Contact period.
First, take the time to reconnect with friends and family. A lot of people, men
of popcorn on the couch..
Try to reach back out to your friends and family and restore the connections that were there that may have slipped a little while you were with your girlfriend. Your friends are there for you. They understand that you’re going through a difficult time right now, and I’m sure that most of them want to make sure that you’re doing okay.
Your friends and family are great for helping you get out of the house and avoiding those days where you feel like you’ll just end up moping around in a bad mood. They’ll re-mind you all the good times you’ve shared together and they’ll help you build new happy memories.
They’ll show you, in a way that conventional wisdom and well-intended advice cannot fully get across, that life really does go on after a break up. At first it may seem hard, but with your friends by your side, you will eventually learn to laugh and enjoy life again by building new memories, sharing jokes and reminiscing.
Make an effort to do at least one social thing each week (bonus points if you do more).
Secondly, broaden your horizons and make new friends. In addition to rebuilding and
strengthening your relationships with friends and family, it’s a good idea to get out of the house and do something new.
You can take classes, join groups, or even volunteer to help people in need. Pretty much anything that gets you out and away from the temptation of letting depression and sad-ness get the upper hand over you.
This will help you because it will keep your mind focused on something positive and pro-ductive, rather than the pain from your break up, it helps you meet new friends and inter-esting people, plus it will give you something intriguing and new to talk about with your ex-girlfriend when you meet up with her again after the one month of No Contact.
A great way to find groups, classes, or volunteering opportunities near you would be to simply spend more time in your neighborhood. Go down to a nearby coffee shop. Many of these have a community bulletin board where people can post flyers about things hap-pening in the area.
Most towns also have a free weekly newspaper that usually covers “hip” or “trendy” things like what all the cool kids are up to or which bands are playing in town and off-beat com-mentary on local news. Anyway, flipping through one of these papers can help give you ideas about things that are going on as well. Plus, many of these papers also advertise specific classes or events that are being offered in your area.
Another good resource, is to check out the website www.meetup.com. This website is an online listing of countless groups of people in cities across the world that meet for a com-mon interest. Group topics range from the normal things you can easily think up (pet lov-ers, hiking, poker) to more... um... eccentric topics (vampire groups, nudity groups, flash mobs), so no matter what you’re in to, you should be able to find something that matches your interests, especially if you live near a fairly large town.
When you go to one of these classes or groups, it is a good idea to try to make friends with other people there. This will help to build your social circle even more, which will only help get you out of the house more and keep your mind away from negative thoughts about your break up or your girlfriend.
Third, do something to improve yourself. Maybe you’ve got a few pounds to shed,
maybe you spend too much time at work and neglect to do things for yourself, or maybe you need to try harder to get a promotion at work or a better job. Maybe this is even the reason why your girlfriend said that she left you.
Either way, we’re all imperfect people and there’s always something that we could be working to improve. Use the one month of No Contact time to work on improving this part of your life. Hit the gym, take some time for yourself, or work for that new job.
Doing this will help you feel better about yourself as you start to make progress toward a goal. This will help you chase away those negative feelings of sadness and depression and help get the momentum you need to start building some positive feelings of achieve-ment, satisfaction, or just plain happiness in general.
Additionally, when you see your ex again, you’ll be able to tell her about your self-im-provement. This is even better if she can see the results for herself, such as taking better care of your body.
She’ll probably find this very attractive, since women like men who are headed some-where in life. You don’t have to achieve everything, but if you can at least show that you’re making progress, it will go a long way. If you show her that you’re the kind of guy who can recognize that something isn’t working and take action to change it, she’ll see you in a good light and she’ll be more likely to want to be part of your life again.
Additionally, she may feel like you’re moving on without her and that she is losing her hold on you. Although, I don’t recommend pursuing self-improvement for this reason, this will make her want to take action to make sure that she is still important to you. This, of course, may seem a bit like manipulation, but if you’re making changes in your life for the
right reason, then this isn’t something you need to worry about.
Fourth, resolve the emotions you’re feeling about the break up. It’s no surprise that
break ups can really leave a deep emotional impact on our lives. After all, our relation-ships are one of the most important parts to our lives.
Now, I know that you’re a guy, and the topic of feelings and emotions may not seem very manly, but trust me, this is important. Besides, being a man isn’t about denying or ignor-ing your emotions and puttignor-ing on a strong facade while you are really sufferignor-ing inside, just as it’s not about being prey to getting caught up in the melodramatic whirlwind of them either. You can actually feel your emotions without getting caught up in them. The differ-ence is subtle, but it can d a lot for your own personal experidiffer-ence of life. For example, if you got fired from your job for some reason, you could feel bad about that and then
take action to find a new job and bounce back, or you could feel bad and get caught up in that feeling, spending weeks feeling depressed and rejected while you mope around the house.
You have to find a balance. A real man owns his emotions and experience. He holds them true without denying them. At the same time, he doesn’t let them control him. He can maintain his composure without being pulled off course and getting lost in his emo-tions (remember that section on Commitment?).
I strongly recommend that you get a journal and write in it on a regular basis about how you feel. I have personally kept a journal since I’ve been in high school and it has really helped me deal with some difficult emotional times in my life, including my break up. A journal is, in many ways, a safe place to vent and express how you feel. After writing about it, you’ll usually feel much better. Plus, months or years down the road, you can look back and see how far you’ve come and how much your life has changed.
There is an important guided meditation included with this eBook that will help you over-come the intense pain of heartbreak. This is in MP3 format and can be played on an iPod, iTunes, or most major audio players.
It is called the Funnel Meditation. This guided exercise will help suck the painful emo-tions out of you and help fill you with positive and healing feelings.
During the next few weeks, do this exercise as often as you want to help you whenever you’re feeling down.
Since this is best done while relaxing and listening to audio, I won’t bother to describe it here. Whenever you need a little help to get through the day, give it a listen.
Key Points to Healing Heartbreak
• Strengthen relationships with friends and family by making the effort to spend time with them at least once per week.
• Spend more time out of the house taking classes, joining groups, or volunteering. Try to do this at least once per week.
• Resources for finding things to do in area • Local coffee shops
• meetup.com
• Newspapers
• Identify something you can do to move your life in a positive direction and work on that for at least the next month.
• It isn’t healthy to bottle up your emotions and pretend you’re not in pain or to fall victim to them and get lost in a dramatic whirlwind of feelings.
• Get a journal to record your thoughts and feelings. This will help you deal with your emotions in a healthy and safe way.
• Do the Funnel Meditation as often as you need to help you release any unpleasant feelings.
Advanced Advice on Getting Your Mindset Right and Overcoming
Heartbreak
When you have a clear vision of what you want for yourself and focus on it regularly with desire, you will find a way to get it.
So then the most important thing you can do to keep your thoughts positive and upbeat is to focus on what you want.
Focusing on what you want is the single most important thing you can do to feel better about yourself, your life, and your circumstances.
At any given time you have the choice to either focus on what you want or to focus on what you don’t want. For most people, they will just let their mind run on autopilot and let
it focus sometimes on what they want and sometimes on what they don’t want. When you focus on what you don’t want, you will have thoughts like:
• “If I don’t get my girlfriend back, I’ll be lonely”
• “How can I make sure that my girlfriend doesn’t start dating someone new?” • “No one else will want to date me.”
When you focus on what you don’t want, two things happen: • You feel bad
• You are more likely to get what you don’t want in life Let’s take a closer look at each of these.
Bad feelings are the direct result of focusing on what you don’t want. Any time you are experiencing a negative emotion, it is because you are focusing on something you don’t want.
Let me repeat that since it is extremely important:
All negative emotions are the result of focusing on what you do not want.
When you focus on what you do not want, you begin to imagine scenarios that you would rather not experience in your mind.
This is true even when your intention is to avoid a negative experience. For example, if you wanted to avoid “blowing it” with your ex-girlfriend the next time you see her, at some level, you would have to picture in your mind what it would be like to mess up. You would have to image an argument or her introducing you to her new boyfriend, for example. So, ever trying to avoid a negative outcome will cause your mind to focus on the negative outcome.
