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Reversing a Break Up
Reversing a Break Up
By: Anthony King By: Anthony King puatonyking.com puatonyking.com
2
Short Notice
All right guys, first of all I’ll be writing this e-book in a very informal way, much like talking to a friend really. I hope you will bear with me while I do so because it’s much more fun this way. All right… let’s get started then.
Let there be…Darkness
We start at the beginning of the end. For whatever reason your relationship has gone bust and one of you (or both) has decided to back out of it. Now, most of the time both exes are hurting because of the break-up although this also has a bit to do with what the reason was for the split.
I just want to point out that this e-book perhaps isn’t so well suited to guide you to a break-up reversal if there was any infidelity involved. Sadly, the splits that occur because of cheating aren’t a part of the 90% reverse chance statistic since the hurt was caused intentionally by one of the two partners. There is no such thing as: “I tripped, fell and landed with my penis inside her”. There just ain’t.
So you’ve announced to each other that the relationship has ended and you have said goodbye. A few days later the hurt still hasn’t faded a bit and all you can think about is your ex-partner, what they’re up to and who they are with. You decide that you don’t want to let go of your BF/GF and that you want them back. What should you do? The immediate answer to this question is: Nothing at all. At this stage of the split, you don’t do a damn thing.
Making clear, well weighted decisions while you are hurting and feeling down is not something that comes naturally. You let this whole relationship thing slide for a few weeks until you get a chance to clear your mind and then draw up a plan of action. Remember that you must allow yourself to feel hurt and feel down. If you suppress those feelings, they will surface eventually and perhaps at a time when you least expect it.
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Getting them back
I won’t say most because I have no definite numbers, but a lot of people who want their ex back go into this self-pity mode where they basically submit to the person who actually ended the relationship. The result of this behavior is the pleading, begging and displaying neediness to the other ex. This theater of emotions has the exact opposite effect on the person you are trying to get back. While it might seem like they’re starting to develop feelings for you again, this is a result of compassion and pity not of genuine love or lust. In these cases the other person starts to feel like your parent and the more you beg and plead, the more you will be perceived as the obnoxious toddler screaming to get that candy bar in the store.
Instead, take your time to cool off. Take a week to get your head straight and make a plan based on rational thinking and act accordingly.
Ask yourself why you want to get back together with that person. Is it because your ex is now out of reach for you? Is it true love or just the feeling of comfort and
security that you’ve had in your long term commitment? If you just came out of a relationship that has been full of arguments and mental “suffocation” you might actually want to re-evaluate your intentions of making up again to save yourself heartache afterwards.
The initial step to getting your ex back should be getting over what once was. Don’t stick to the past waiting for miracles to happen because they won’t. You need to demonstrate that you are an open minded and confident individual, someone who is not going to draw himself back from existence because of a minor setback in life. Be active, go out and enjoy yourself, hang around with friends and make some new ones. This will boost your confidence level and give you a positive mindset that will make your ex to not only appreciate you more, but also want them to get back together with you.
4
Re-Initiate contact
At this point a few weeks or maybe a month have gone by, you have allowed yourself and your ex the space and time to cool off and get your heads together. It’s time to play. You want to re-initiate contact with your ex and I don’t blame you, but how you act from here on will basically decide the outcome of your journey to making up. One or two wrong sentences might mean the difference between complete success and hopeless failure. The main thing to keep in mind is that while communicating with your ex, there must always be this mutual agreement present that your relationship is over while it is over. Trust me on this, I am not exaggerating.
I explained previously not to act like an obnoxious toddler after the break-up, well it’s time to implement this strategy. You must not show any sign of neediness to your ex-partner and show no signs of desperation once you start talking to them again. No matter what the other says, be mature and casual about it. When you disagree on something, the worst thing you can do is start an argument. What’s the point, you’re exes anyway!
One thing that is worth to remember is that even though your ex might have ended the relationship, chances are that he/she still cares very deeply for you provided that you didn’t do anything to hurt them or cause any harm. Think of this when talking to them and use it in your favor.
Another thing you can use to help you is positive (mutual) memories. When you head out to meet them (don’t use the word date), make sure you go to a spot that you both are familiar with. Also make sure that the spot you are going to has really positive memories linked to it by the both of you. It might be where you first kissed, or where some other pleasant event has occurred in the past. *wink* ☺
During the first encounter after the break-up, you will want to show your ex that you are still the person he/she fell in love with in the first place. This is something you want to demonstrate to them, not tell them. Listen to what they say and respond to it, don’t just nod your head and switch over to some subject that matters to you.
Showing that you don’t care will push them away even more and this time you won’t be able to repair the damage.
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If the ex has any second thoughts about going to that spot you both cherished, don’t start asking questions, why, what, how etc. Be mature about it and propose
something else that’s light and fun like going for a cappuccino or play mini-golf or be silly and take him/her bowling. In this case also skip deep conversations; if they didn’t want to come along to the “special place”, they aren’t ready to engage in
conversations about your relationship or a possible getting back together either. Don’t tell the ex that you miss them since neither of you should have the “upper hand” in the process, equal is best. Flirting is a big no-no since you are now officially “friends” and putting pressure on each other to deal with innuendos might work
against you.
It’s perfectly fine to talk about the past times and bring up memories of the things you did when you were together. Memories from vacations or trips seem to work best. Also, by their reaction to this, you will be able to judge whether they still care about you or not. The reason I keep telling you what you should NOT do is because so many people make these mistakes and really ruin their own chances of success. Hopefully it’s needless to say that when going to meet your ex for the first time since break up, you will be well groomed, well dressed and look like the person they would like to be seen with. Even if you don’t mention this to them they will think it.
Remember that your presentation is also a part of your communication towards your ex-partner.
A positive mindset is really important in a situation like this. People have this miraculous ability to pick up on each other’s energy and even if this ability works better for women, men also have it. If you are sitting there, just chitchatting with your ex but inside thinking “this’ll never work”, be sure that it won’t because you have a negative mindset and this can be perceived through your posture, conversation and the tonality of your voice without you even being aware of it.
Ask yourself: Can I contribute to this relationship and make it work? Have I changed? Am I a better person than I was when we broke up? If you can answer yes to these questions then you should have very little difficulty conveying this to your ex-partner through your non-verbal communication, your posture and behavior.
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Someone else
If your ex-partner lets you know that they have started seeing someone else, the last thing you want to do is freak out, make a scene and leave. The bad impression you’d leave behind would haunt you forever. Try to stay sober of anger or jealousy and remember. Be mature about it! Feel free to ask them if they feel that they have found inner peace in their current situation . The answers from these types of questions will reveal a whole lot about their feelings as well.
Keep in mind also that your ex might bring up someone else just to see your reaction or even to make you jealous. While this is a very bad tactic it is being used frequently for all kinds of reasons. Sadly, it only results in more heartache and you should
neither play along with it by trying to return the favor, or feed into it with anger. While it is good for you to go out, meet new people and just have fun in general, starting to date someone else might send mixed signals to your ex. On one hand you are talking “sweet” to them and on the other hand you are seeing someone else, this just doesn’t add up and will decrease your odds of getting them back.
Ok so at this point you have cooled off from your break up, you have worked on your self-improvement a bit, you have made contact with your ex and demonstrated that you are not needy, clingy or jealous. You have also shown that you can go out with your ex to do something casual and fun with no pressure and finally you’ve shown a high level of maturity towards both the person which is your ex, and the situation between the two of you. Good, you are on your way! Now it’s time to introduce:
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The Relationship Conversation
There will come a time in the process where the inevitable will happen; the step
where you go from “light” fun and conversation, to more serious relationship talk both about the past and the future.
The secret here is to motivate your ex to start participating in the conversation so that it doesn’t become a one way traffic, apologizing and excusing yourself type of thing. When you engage in the more serious talk, it’s totally fine to express regret for the bad things that have happened. At the same time try asking the ex what they think were the contributing factors to your break up. This of course stops being a valid question if there was one clear reason for you not being together anymore. If this is the case, address this issue and let them talk about it. Don’t argument against, listen. If you personally were the main reason for your break-up, don’t be shy to apologize and admit your fault. Pride will make your ego grow but won’t keep you warm at night. Even if your ex-partner is partially responsible for the trouble that caused you to grow apart, don’t try to put the blame on them, avoid the classic mistake people make “I am sorry but…” this will significantly reduce the sincerity of your apologize. Remember, you can only apologize for yourself, not for anyone else. It wouldn’t be wise to have any expectation regarding the other person.
One thing that works particularly well with break-up / make-up situations is re-feeding the ex the feelings they had during the break-up. To give an example:
“I am sorry about how I acted, you must have felt hurt/isolated but I hope you can appreciate that it was never my intention to cause you any
harm. I’m really going to start paying attention to the people around me to make sure this doesn’t happen again”
This line is almost magic if delivered with certain sincerity and frankly, if this doesn’t make your ex respond in a warm(er) manner, you’re probably better off without them. If your strategy works and you do get back together, have a long and calm
conversation about what exactly didn’t work previously. This will make sure that you won’t repeat your mistakes and waste time investing in a bond that won’t work out in the end.
8
Short conversational lesson
Note: This extra chapter will briefly explain one basic conversational technique that might give you an (unfair) edge in achieving your objective. The technique explained will only work if you haven’t had any contact or encounter with your ex for at least a few weeks since break-up.
Mimicking
This is a very powerful way to quickly build report (a sense of comfort) with a stranger or someone you haven’t talked to in a while. The technique, when performed
successfully, will give the other person a sense of knowing you better or connecting with you on a deeper level than with most people.
Implementation takes some practice but is fairly easy to master.
The concept of mimicking is to, with some subtlety; imitate the other person’s non-verbal communication. This is the part where it gets tricky: the art of it is to do it in such a way that the other person will not consciously pick up on your mimicking. The subconscious mind of your ex will pick up on this behavior and you’ll find them
becoming more and more comfortable as the conversation progresses. If you have mastered the technique all the way your ex will actually start to miss your presence when “the date” is over.
A rule of thumb is to let 20-25 seconds pass before making the mimicking move in order to not be discovered while staying inside the time frame for them to pick it up. Practice makes perfect so perhaps it would be wise to try this on some strangers before applying on your ex.
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Final Word
You should now have a good understanding of how to re-initiate and maintain contact with your ex-partner, and how to work towards a reversal of your break-up.
A word of warning (again) would be to re-evaluate the reasons for your desire to get back together. Analyze the issues that caused the break-up and ask yourself if you are prepared to work on not having these issues repeated in the future. Do you still love your ex or do you want to get back together because you need to satisfy your own pride and/or ego?
This was my short contribution to your endeavor. I truly hope that you’ve found this information useful and that it has helped you achieve the goal of regaining the happiness you had with your partner.
If you should have any questions regarding this material or the website in general, don’t hesitate to contact me on:
For a much more in-depth, step by step strategy on how to get your ex-partner back within a matter of days please visit:
http://www.getyourextowantyouback.org
All the best, Anthony King
