whatitls
what to do about it
Philip G. Zimbaixlo
Research in collaboration w ith
P aul A. P ilkonis, Ph.D.
Therapy in collaboration u'ith
M argaret E. M arn ell, R .N ., M .A .
▼▼
A d dison-W esley Publishing Company
Reading, Massachusetts • M enlo Park, California London • Am sterdam • Don M ills, Ontario • Sydney
L i b r a r y of C o n g r e s s C a t a l o g i n g in P u b l i c a t i o n D a t a Zimbardo, Fhilip G Shyness. Includes index. 1. Bashfulness. I. Title. BF575.B3Z55 152 ISBN 0-201-08793-6 ISBN 0 - 2 0 1 - 0 8 7 9 1 ; pbk. 77-3055
Copyright © 1977 by Philip Zimbardo, Inc. Philippines copyright 1977 by Philip Zimbardo, Inc.
A ll rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America. Published simultaneously in Canada. Library of Congress Catalog Card No. 77-73069.
ISBN 0-201-08793-6-H ISBN 0-201-08794-4-P ABCDEFGHIJ-00-7987
T his book is dedicated to M argaret, m y m other, C hristina, m y w ife, A dam , m y son, and Z ara M aria, m y daughter,
who have given me the gifts of trust, unconditional love, and g en tle tenderness— and taugh t m e how to appreciate and share them .
Cover photo: Jo h n O ldenkam p. R eprinted by perm ission of P sychology
T o day M agazine. C opyright © 1975 Ziff-Davis P ub lishing Com pany.
Pages 9, 23, 39, 7 9 , 104, 121, and 18 7: M arsh all H enrichs. P age 2 5 : Jeff A lbertson, Stock, Boston. Pages 57, 9 9 , 133, 151, and 1 6 7 : Bob Sam ples, from T h e M etaphoric M ind, A C elebration o f C reative Consciousness, by Bob Sam ples ( A ddison-W esley, 1 9 7 6 ). P age 6 5 : Cl if G arboden, Stock, Boston. Page 7 1 : J. Berndt, Stock, Boston. P age 8 7 : A b ig ail H eym an, M agnum Photos. P age 9 6 : G eorge M alave, Stock, Boston. Page 190: Frank Sitem an, Stock, Boston. P age 2 0 7 : B oston G lobe. Page 2 1 5 : Lynne Joiner.
acknowledgments
P reparing to acknow ledge the contributions of a ll those who have enriched m e, and ho p efully this book as w e ll, I am struck by the size of our "fam ily” of kindred spirits and pleased in m y m em ory of each of them.
R obert Norwood w as one of the first shy students bold enough to force me to tackle the problem of shyness as a serious subject to investigate. To Paul P ilkonis I owe a special debt of gratitude for organizing reasearch team s, directing the analysis of our volum inous data, and adding his crea tive in telligen ce to the experim ental analysis of shyness. C hristina Zoppel has carried on the com puter p rogram m ing and processing of our thousands of surveys w ith a competent efficiency and wisdom I have come to rely on heavily.
T his w ork on shyness has also benefitted from the observations, in ter view s, experim ents, and personal insights provided by the fo llo w in g stu dents: N in a H atvany, T rudy Solomon, Jeff W ac h tel, D ebra Tong, M iv London, T erri M acey, M el Lee, Susan R e illy , C arol Frey, Tim Botello, Steven Cohn, Ju d y L eventhal, C hristopher C ounihan, Scott Fink, C olleen O'Beirne, G opal G upta, A lex A rm our, M ichael Broderick, Judeth Greco, Jo el K abaker, A n gel M ayorga, C ecilia Pacheco, C arolyn Sanders, C hristina Sousa-Silva, Robert B lake, Jeff Prater, Susie M alouf, H ilary D avis, and Z ehra Peynircioglu.
Cross-cultural data collection (in clu d in g translation of questionnaires and a ll arran gem en ts) was volunteered by colleagues whom I thank for their generosity and research support: Francesco G aona Lopez (M e x ic o ), L arry Leo (T aiw an and personal observations of the P eople’s R epublic of C h in a ), K. L. Sindw ani (I n d ia ) , K arl M inke and R ichard B rislin (H a w a ii), H el m ut Lam m (G e rm a n y ), C harles G reenbaum (I s r a e l), and from Jap an , Giyoo H atano, M ichiru Sugaw a, and H itoshi Fujisaw a. I add a kiss to m y
vi Acknowledgm ents
expression of thanks for A y ala Pines whose infectious enthusiasm for un derstanding the nature of shyness resulted in her supplying an im pressive set of data on Israelis from little kibutzniks straight through to men and wom en in the m ilitary.
A cknow ledgm ents m ust go also to teachers and others w ho shared their resources and ideas about shyness: Sharon Bower, M arilyn n e R obin son, D orothy H olob, Je an D avis, M im i Silbert, and C hristina M aslach. From Jordan Ju n io r H igh School, I thank Chuck M oore, Elizabeth L illard , and M ary K ushnick for their help, as w e ll as R uth M ille r and D ora Buntin from Green G ables E lem entary School, and from Synanon, Brooks Carder, Elizabeth M issakian, and Linda Burke. A nd there are others whose contri
butions, though not singled out, are appreciated.
To get the Stanford Shyness C lin ic off and running took courage, ten acity, hard w ork, sensitivity, and a good sense of hum or— for w hich I thank M eg M arn ell.
A ll these efforts also took m oney; funding cam e from research grants from the Office of N av al Research, the Boys Tow n Center for the Study of Y outh D evelopm ent at Stanford U niversity, and the N ational Institute of M ental H ealth. T heir funding does not in any w ay sign ify endorsem ent of the conclusions, ideas, opinions, or values presented in this book.
Sittin g atop a p ile of research data or on the floor of a shyness clinic is a lo n g w ay from g ettin g it a ll together in a book. To do so, W arren Stone of A ddison-W esley lit the fire under m e, and editor A nn D ilw orth generously fed and sensitively fanned it to keep me go in g w hen the w ritin g got cold. M y w onderful secretary R osanne Saussotte did her usual best in separating the heat from the sm oke in m y ille g ib le w ritin g (w ith able as sistance from Joyce Lockwood and A n nie Edm onds).
F in ally, the words in m y head could not have continued to reach the paper w ere it not for the combined efforts of the crew at the P alo A lto M assage Center— their m inistrations kept m y righ t arm m oving late into the n igh t after a ll sensibility w as numbed.
I hope each of these contributors to this book w ill also d eligh t in the tan gib le consequence of our "fam ily affair.”
San Francisco February 1977
contents
Introduction 1
part I : what it is
1 Understanding shyness 9
2 The personal w orld of the shy 23
3 W h y shy? 39
4 Parents, teachers, and shy children 57
5 Friends, lovers, and shy strangers 79
6 From sad to bad to slightly mad 99
part II: what to do about it
7 Understanding yourself 121
8 Understanding your shyness 133
91 Building your self-esteem 151
10 Developing your social skills 167
11 Helping others overcome their shyness 187
viii Contents
Notes 223
General references 235
Specialized references 237
or the past four years, I have conducted psychological research to increase our understanding of a fascinating aspect of hum an _______ nature— shyness. As a parent and teacher I had long been sensi tive to the in h ib itin g im pact of shyness on children and adolescents. But it took a curious set of events to direct m y interest as a social-science re searcher toward the system atic analysis of shyness.
I was lecturing to a large class at Stanford U niversity about the power of certain social situations to alter profoundly the w ays in w hich w e think, feel, and act. To illu strate the point, I described an experim ent we had re cently com pleted in w hich students played the roles of mock guards and prisoners in a sim ulated prison settin g.' A lthough these people w ere chosen because they wrere norm al on a ll psychological tests we gave, they began to behave in strange, p athological w ays after only a few’ days in that prison.
The mock guards moved from being in itia lly dom ineering to acting in brutal, often sadistic, w ays tow ard "their prisoners.” T he mock prison ers reacted to this display of power w ith em otional distress, feelings of helplessness, and, u ltim ately, by sheepishly com plying w ith a ll the rules. The experim ent, planned for two weeks, had to be term inated after only six days because of the dram atic alterations in personality and values that w ere takin g place in that prisonlike setting.
How was it possible for these boys, chosen by a flip of a coin to p lay the role of either mock guard or m ock prisoner, to slip so easily into those roles? T hey had no training. But they had already learned w hat it means to be a prisoner or a guard from a variety of experiences w ith power and injustice in their homes, schools, and through the m edia. G uards control by creating or m ain tain in g the rules of the institution— rules that usually lim it the freedom of action. The rules specify a ll the things you m ight w ant to do but are not allow ed to do, and a ll the things you have to do that you don’t w ant to do. Prisoners can react to these coercive rules by either reb ellin g or com plying. R eb ellio n brings punishm ent; so, most give in and do w hat the guard expects of them.
In discussing the m entalities of the guard and prisoner w ith m y class, p arallels were draw n between this relationship and those of husbands and wives, parents and children, teachers and students, doctors and patients, and so forth. "But can you im agine these two m entalities in one head, these two w ays of th in kin g in the sam e person?” I asked. The obvious exam ple w as the extrem ely shy person.
"There are some shy people w ho have both the desire and the know-how to do a p articular thing, but are held back from takin g action,” I said. "T hey go to a dance, they know how to do the dance steps, yet som ething w ithin keeps them from askin g anyone to dance or accepting an invitation. S im ilarly, in the classroom , there arc students who know
Introduction 3
the answ er and w ant to m ake a good im pression on the teacher, but some thing keeps their hands down and stifles their voices. T hey are inhibited from acting because of inner com mands from the guard-self: 'Y o u ’ll look ridiculous; people w ill laugh at you; this is not the place to do th at; I w on’t allow' you the lib erty to be spontaneous; do not raise your hand, volunteer, dance, sing, or m ake yourself obvious; you’ll be safe o n ly if you’re not seen and not heard.’ And the prisoner-w ithin decides not to risk the dangerous freedom of a spontaneous life and m eekly com plies.”
A fter class, a couple of students cam e to ask m e for m ore inform ation about their "problem .” T heir problem w as being so p ain fu lly shy that they arranged m uch of their lives around avoiding situations w'here they m ig h t be put on the spot. W e wondered together how' unusual their reac tions w ere and how p revalen t such shyness w as am ong young people. I could offer them a sym pathetic ear, but not m uch w'isdom about the causes, consequences, or "cure” of shyness. In best academ ic tradition, I recom m ended they go to the lib rary to uncover w h at w as known about shyness.
M ean w h ile, wrord got out in the class that I w7as m eeting in fo rm ally to discuss shyness and soon there w ere a dozen students reg u la rly attend in g a sem inar on the psychology of shyness. A t first, of course, it was not the most scin tillatin g sem inar I had ever led. T w elve shy strangers do not m ake for a liv e ly discussion— except w hen the topic centers on the subject forem ost in their m inds, the subject they w'ere experts on— their own shyness.
W h en w e w ent beyond sharing our experiences w ith shyness to review in g w hat w as known "scientifically” about it, w7e discovered to our collec tive surprise th at little research on shyness w as av ailab le. T here w ere some studies and speculations on shyness as a personality trait and on aspects of shyness, such as em barrassm ent, face-saving, stage frigh t, speak in g difficulties, and so forth, but no system atic investigations directed specifically toward understanding the dynam ics of shyness. W h a t w e needed was research on w hat shyness m eans to the shy person, to those he or she encounters, and to the society at large. W ith that go al in m ind, our class prepared a questionnaire w hich asked people to decide for them selves w hether or not they w ere shy. Other questions inquired into the thoughts, feelings, actions, and physical sym ptom s associated w ith shyness. W e tried also to discover the kinds of people and situations that were lik e ly to m ake those w ho answered the questionnaire shy. T his first sur vey was adm inistered to n early 4 0 0 other students, then carefu lly revised to be more effective.
N ow , n early 5000 people have com pleted the shyness survey, and w e have com piled a substantial am ount of inform ation from it. Our re search team has also conducted hundreds of in-depth interview s and
4 Shyness
observations of shy and not-shy people in various settings. To study cer tain specific relationships of shyness to other reactions, we have also un dertaken experim ental research in controlled, laboratory situations. D is cussions w ith parents and teachers are h elp in g to fill in m issing lin ks in our know ledge of the com plexities of shyness.
A lthough most of our inform ation comes from A m erican college students, we have also expanded our focus to include both noncollege populations and people from other cultures. Survey data have been col lected from N avy recruits, business personnel, obesity-clinic clients, par ticipants in encounter groups, and students from elem en tary, junior high, and senior high schools. Our foreign colleagues have provided us w ith v alu ab le inform ation on the nature of shyness in Jap an , T aiw an , the People’s R epublic of C hina, H aw aii, M exico, India, G erm any, and Israel.
M any of those who answ ered the questionnaire wanted to know how to overcome their shyness. To develop successful techniques for doing this, w e have established a Shyness C lin ic at Stanford U niversity w here wre are tryin g out various exercises th at m ay h elp shy people. T hrough this clinic, w7e hope to help people overcome their shyness and learn more about the nature of this p revalen t problem .
A lthough we now know quite a bit m ore than w hen w e first began looking into the whys and wherefores of shyness, m any questions rem ain unanswered. Our research program is very m uch an on-going inquiry into the m any facets of this som etim es subtle and often puzzling phenomenon. O rdinarily researchers w ait u ntil they have m ore inform ation in hand before w ritin g a book such as this. H ow ever, this caution has given w ay to the urgency of appeals for advice, counsel, and inform ation now . These requests have come in the form of hundreds of letters, calls, and personal appeals from people who are suffering d aily under the intolerable burden imposed by their shyness. H opefully this book w ill provide useful infor m ation and practical tools to help people begin to cope w ith their shyness. T he book is divided into two parts. In P art I, the em phasis is on un derstanding w hat shyness is a ll about. Y o u ’ll learn w hat it m eans to experi ence different types of shyness, the unique problem s faced by the shy person, the origins of shyness, and how it can be analyzed. Y ou w ill also exam ine the role of the fam ily, the school, and the society in program m ing a person to be shy, and you’ll see how shyness makes intim ate relations difficult and enjoyable sexual relations often impossible. Shyness m ay be a personal experience, but its effects are felt throughout society. Thus, P art I ends w ith a view of some of the w ays in w hich shyness creates social problem s through its less obvious relationship w ith violence, alcoholism , social m ovem ents, im personal sex, and vandalism .
Part II focuses on the practical question of how to cope w ith the challenges posed by shyness. Y o u ’ll find constructive ways to change how
Introduction 5
you think about shyness, and how you think about yourself. Often shyness is not caused sim ply by a lack of self-confidence or unfounded fears about social situations; it m ay be more a m atter of not h avin g or not practicing certain social skills. To help you develop these skills, you'll find sim ple tactics and strategies for enhancing your personal social effectiveness.
B ut even if there were a m agic cure for every currently shy person, w hat is to prevent future generations from experiencing the anxieties brought on by shyness? The final chapter raises the most provocative issue of a ll: the therapy needed for a shyness-generating society. Retrospective therapy designed to h elp people after they are suffering is not enough. W e m ust do a ll we can to redesign our society to prevent the suffering in the first place.
Shyness is an insidious personal problem that is reaching such epi dem ic proportions as to be justifiably called a social disease. Trends in our society suggest it w ill g et worse in the com ing years as social forces in crease our isolation, com petition, and loneliness. U nless we begin to do som ething soon, m any of our children and grandchildren w ill become prisoners of their own shyness. To prevent this, w e must begin to under stand w h at shyness is, so that w e can provide a supportive environm ent w’here shy people can shed the security of their private prisons and regain their lost freedoms of speech, of action, and of hum an associations.
H aw thorne m ay have been th in kin g of the shy person w hen he w rote: "W h a t other dungeon is so dark/as one’s heart? W h a t jailer so inexor able/as one’s se lf?” W e can learn to m ake a heaven even from the h ell of extrem e shyness. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. L et’s see how.
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orse? It’s hard not to chuckle at w hat sounds like the start of a W oody A llen routine. But our lau g h ter is clearly a defense ______ against em pathizing too closely w ith this p ain ful m em ory of a high-school student. W e ’d lik e to believe she’s ex ag geratin g; life just couldn’t be that bad. B ut for m an y shy people, it clea rly is.M y brother, w ho had to w ear leg braces to correct the dam age of in fan tile paralysis, developed this sam e morbid fear of people. W h en ever there was a knock at the door, G eorge would qu ickly count to see if a ll fam ily m em bers w ere present and accounted for. If they w ere, he would scurry to his post under the bed or to an even safer retreat behind the locked bathroom door. O nly after much beggin g and p leadin g w ould he relen t and come out to be greeted by a neighbor or visitin g relative from out of town.
M y m other, a com passionate w om an gifted w ith insights into the w orkings of hum an nature, decided that she m ust help George before his shyness got com pletely out of hand. H is agonies had persisted even after he no longer had to w ear the le g braces. Convinced that he should be w ith other children his own age, she persuaded the public school to enroll G eorge, although he was o nly four-and-a-half years old and it was already the m iddle of the term. As m y m other relates:
He cried and sobbed nonstop for nearly that whole first day, clinging to my dress in near terror. W henever the teacher or another child looked his way, he’d bury his head in my lap or look at the ceiling. But when the
Understanding shyness 11
class was being told a story or playing musical toys, his curiosity got the better of him and he couldn't help but look and listen.
The idea came to me that George would not be so self-conscious if he could become invisible, if he could watch and join in the action but not be watched by the other children. Obviously he couldn’t disappear; but he could do the next best thing— become a masked man like his hero on the
radio, the Lone Ranger.
After dinner I encouraged George to help me make a hooded mask out of a brown paper shopping bag. W e cut out eyes, a nose, and a mouth and colored it a little to make it attractive. He tried it on, liked it, and made me repeat over and over, "W ho is that masked child?” G leefully he’d reply, "The Lone R anger,” or "M r. Nobody,” or "None of your busi ness,” or he’d just roar like a lion. Sometimes he’d remove the hood to reassure me it was still him.
His teacher agreed to give my plan a try; in fact, she did more than that, she made it work. She told the other children that the new child would be wearing a special mask and they were not to try to remove it, but just to enjoy playing with this masked child. Surprisingly, this unusual approach worked. George could be part of the class, though set apart. He could imagine being unrecognized when he wanted to be without having to hide himself. Gradually he moved closer to the other children and eventually, in a few weeks, was lured into play.
He stayed on in kindergarten for another year, and his confidence grew as the classroom routine became more fam iliar. But still the mask—on every morning before class and off only when his brother arrived to take him home.
Then the big day came at the end of the year when the class circus was to be presented for the parents of the graduating kindergartners. Since George had been through it last year, he was an old hand at the festivities. "W ould you like to be circus master?” the teachcr asked him. He jumped up and down with joy. "George, you know that the circus master wears a top hat and a fancy costume, but not a m ask,” she w isely continued, "so, if you want to be the circus master, you’ll have to exchange your mask for this outfit. Okay?”
And there George was, not only part of the group, but leading the circus. Shouting to look here and for everyone to notice that! No need for the mask any longer, he was on his way to becoming a happier, healthier child. Although he was never totally outgoing, he did develop close friendships with boys and girls, and was later elected to class office in junior and senior high school.
G eorge’s need to w ear a paper bag over his head for a year and a h alf m ight seem bizarre. But this ingenious solution enabled him g ra d u a lly to
12 Shyness: what it is
relate effectively to others and led to the day w hen he could take off the m ask and be him self. The paper bag w as a successful solution for an extrem ely shy child. Others aren ’t so lucky. T hey grow into adulthood w ithout ever learn in g to deal w ith this agonizing problem .
Shyness can be a m ental handicap as crip p lin g as the most severe of physical handicaps, and its consequences can be devastating:
• Shyness m akes it difficult to m eet new people, m ake friends, or enjoy po ten tially good experiences.
• It prevents you from speaking up for your righ ts and expressing your own opinions and values.
• Shyness lim its positive evaluations by others of your personal strengths.
• It encourages self-consciousness and an excessive preoccupation w ith your own reactions.
• Shyness m akes it hard to th in k c lea rly and com m unicate effectively. • N egative feelings like depression, anxiety, and loneliness typ ically
accom pany shyness.
To be shy is to be afraid of people, esp ecially people w ho for some reason are em otionally th reaten in g: strangers because of their novelty or uncertainty, authorities who w ield power, m em bers of the opposite sex who represent potential intim ate encounters. G eorge and the young g irl whose com ments opened the chapter both felt threatened by v irtu ally everyone. T hey provide rather dram atic exam p les of shyness. But the everyday garden variety of this problem q u ietly intrudes itself into a ll of our lives.
H ave you ever arrived at a party in fu ll sw ing and discovered that the only person you know is the hostess— and she’s not in sight? "W h o
are you?" someone asks and only in visib le butterflies come out of your
m outh. Or have you ever been in a group w here the leader ch eerily in tones, "L et’s g et to know one another better by te llin g our nam es and som ething personal about ourselves.” Im m ediately you’re into fu ll dress reh earsal: "M y nam e is . . . (dam n it, oh yes) . . . P hil Zim bardo. I am a . . . a . . . person (no th at’s not personal enough— w hy d idn ’t I go to the m o v ies?) . ” Once again, w ithout gusto, "M y nam e is, uh . . . ! ! ” Such com mon experiences m ake it possible for those people who are not shy to at least appreciate some of the agonies that shy people go through.1
Despite the negative consequences and the intensity of shyness, the problem can be overcome. But to do so, it’s necessary to recognize the basis of the shyness and then tailor an appropriate program to alter its foundation.
U nderstanding shyness 13
W h a t is shyness?
Shyness is a fuzzy concept; the closer we look, the more varieties of shy ness we discover. So before we can even begin to consider w h at to do about it, w e have to know m ore about w hat shyness is. T he Oxford English dictionary te lls us that the w ord’s earliest recorded use w as in an A n glo Saxon poem w ritten around 1000 A .D ., in w hich it m eant "easily frig h t
ened.” "To be shy” is to be "difficult of approach, ow'ing to tim idity, caution or distrust.” T he shy person is "cautiously averse in encountering or h avin g to do w ith some specified person or th in g .” " W a ry in speech or action, sh rin kin g from self-assertion; sensitively tim id,” the shy individual m ay be "retirin g or reserved from diffidence” or from a different m old, "of questionable character, disreputable, 'shady.’ ” W eb ster’s defines shy ness as being "uncom fortable in the presence of others.”
But somehow such definitions don’t seem to add much to common- sense know ledge. N o single definition can be adequate, because shyness m eans different things to different people. It is a com plex condition that has a w hole range of effects— from m ild discomfort to unreasonable fear of people to extrem e neurosis. To begin to understand better this phe nom enon, w e gave the Stanford Shyness Survey to n early 5 0 0 0 people.
Do you presently consider yourself to be a shy person? _______y e s ________ no
( W e ll, do yo u ?)
If you answ ered "no,” w as there ever a period in your life during w hich you considered yourself to be a shy person?
_______y e s ________no
In our survey, w e sidestepped the issue of providing a specific defini tion of shyness. Instead, we allow ed each person to adopt his or her own definition. First, we asked people to accept or reject the shy label. T hen we wanted to know w hat w ent into that decision. W e asked w hat kinds of people and situations m ake them feel shy, and w hat thoughts, feelings, actions, and physical symptoms were associated w ith their shyness. As you can see from a copy of the survey on page 135, w e also tried to get at some other aspects of shyness.
It’s a universal experience
The most basic finding of our research establishes that shyness is common, widespread, and universal. M ore than 80 percent of those questioned reported that they were shy at som e p o in t in th eir lives, either now, in the
1 4 Shyness: what it is
past, or alw ays. Of these, over 4 0 percent considered them selves presently shy— that m eans four out of every ten people you m eet, or 84 m illio n A m ericans!
For some people, shyness has long been a reg u lar intruder in their everyday lives. A bout a quarter reported them selves chronically shy, nowr and alw ays. Of these, a lo n ely 4 percent—true-blue shys— told us that their self-definition of shyness was based on the fact that they were shy all of the tim e, in a ll situations, and w ith v irtu a lly all people.
The prevalence of shyness varies from culture to culture and w ith different types of people. How'ever, w e have never found a group of people w here fewer than a quarter declared them selves presently shy, and, in fact, w ith some groups of people, like junior-high-school g irls and students from some O riental cultures, that statistic jum ps to 6 0 percent. T he p er centage of true-blue shys is never less than 2 percent of an y group w'e have studied, and m ay go as h igh as 10 percent in some groups, lik e the Japanese.
In deciding w hether or not to call them selves shy, people w'ho an swered the survey used as one index how often they felt shy. About a third of the people had a sense of feelin g shy at least h alf the tim e, in m ore situations than not. Over 60 percent reported being shy only occasionally, but they view ed these tim es as being sufficiently significant to label them selves shy. For exam ple, you m ig h t be shy o n ly in public speaking, but that could be enough to cause serious problems if you have to g ive reports in public, as m an y students and business people m ust do.
Fewer than 2 0 percent answ ering the survey reported that they do not lab el them selves as shy. W h atev er shyness m eant to each of them , they felt it didn’t ap p ly as a personal trait. But interestingly, most of these people acknow ledged reacting w ith such symptoms of shyness as blushing, heart pounding, and "butterflies in the stom ach” in certain social settings. In other words, some people and some situations m ade them react w ith the kind of thoughts, feelings, and actions that, characterize the shy person. These situationally shy people do not see them selves as shy, but rather see certain external events, such as w a lk in g into a room of strangers, as causing tem porary discomfort. This distinction between those who are ready to lab el th em selves as shy and those w ho label only their reactions
to som e situations as shy is an im portant one, w hich we w ill explore m ore
in a subsequent chapter.
To say shyness is a universal experience is a rather broad gen eraliza tion, but one w ith a solid basis. O nly about 7 percent of a ll Am ericans sam pled reported that they have never, ever experienced feelings of shy ness. S im ilarly, in other cultures, o nly a sm all m inority of people claim to have never personally experienced shyness.
Understanding shyness 15
W h o is shy?
Shyness is m ore prevalent am ong schoolchildren than adults, for m any currently not-shy adults have m anaged to overcome their childhood shy ness. N evertheless, our research em p h atically rejects the m yth that shyness is only a childhood affliction. It m ay be m ore obvious to us in children, because they g en erally are under closer d aily scrutiny than are adults. But a substantial portion of the adult population continues to be shy. Robert Y oung, T V ’s beloved Dr. M arcus W e lb y , is am ong those.
I've always been shy. As a kid, I was even afraid of the teacher. Later I grew' to be one of those tall, skinny youngsters w'ho don’t have the looks or the weight for football and thus weren’t automatic high-school heroes. In my teens, that was important.2
Some provocative evidence suggests that adolescence m ay generate m ore shyness am ong g irls than boys. In a sam ple of elem entary-school youngsters from the fourth, fifth, and sixth grades, the average prevalence of those w ho w ere presently shy was 4 2 percent— like the origin al survey. These boys and g irls w ere eq u ally lik e ly to label them selves as shy. But, when we look at seventh and eighth graders, not o n ly does the average level of shyness escalate to 54 percent, but it is the teenage g irls who account for this increase. It m ay be that the need to be popular in school and to be considered p h ysically (s e x u a lly ) attractive by the opposite sex is program m ed m ore forcefully into our teenage g irls than boys. A four- teen-year-old g ir l w rites of her self-conscious anguish:
I get very nervous and my head starts to itch very badly and I just keep scratching it like a fool. I don’t know how to act around people. I act differently at home than I do at school. I don’t even dress the wray I w'ant to.
A nd, from a letter to A nn Landers, we see the p lig h t of the "m ixed-up” teenage g irl w ho feels "different” from her peers and longs to become just lik e them — yet m aybe a little more special.
Dear Ann Landers: I hope you won’t throw my letter away just because it’s from a mixed-up teenager. I really feel yucky and need help. M y main problem is I don’t like my personality— I try to be overly friendly to cover up my shyness and then I act loud. I’m jealous of certain girls and wish I was like them but when I try to be, it doesn’t come off.
Some days I feel popular just because a certain guy says hello or smiles at me. The next day I’m miserable because a group of girls are huddled in
16 Shyness: w hat it is
a corner and I think they are laughing at me behind my back. M y grades are O .K . but they could be better. Mom says I’m disorganized. She yells because I pay so much attention to my hair instead o f my homework. This is my fourth letter to you. I’ve throw n all the others away, but this one is going into the mail no m atter what. Signed, Different.'5
M ore wom en are shy than m en, righ t? W ro n g ! A nother false g en eral ization, probably based on observations that men tend to be more assertive, aggressive, and obvious in social encounters. Our inform ation indicates no difference between the sexes in prevalence of shyness. In fact, a slig h tly h igh er percentage of college m en than college wom en report being shy, but this sligh t sex difference is in the other direction for some noncollege groups, and varies according to the culture investigated (see sum m ary table in "N otes” section, p. 2 3 3 )
-Shyness moves in m ysterious ways, afflicting even those who have never been shy before. Newrcomers to shyness m ake up slig h tly less than h a lf of a ll those w ho are presently shy. M an y of these are young adults w ho have not been shy as children, but for some reason have recently turned shy.
S till, shyness can be conquered, set aside, or outgrow n. Some 4 0 per cent reported that they used to be shy but are no longer so, a reassuring indication. Based in part on the experience of these shyness "has beens,” w e m ay be able to offer useful advice to the chronically and presently shy.
H ow does shyness affect people?
W e are slow ly beginning to gain some understanding of shyness. A lthough wre can’t define exactly w h at it is, w e do know th at it is prevalent. A nother clue to this com plex condition m ay be uncovered by ex am in in g how shyness affects different people. Shyness spans a w ide psychological contin uum : it can vary from occasional feelings of aw kw ardness in the presence of others a ll the w ay to traum atic episodes of anxiety that to tally disrupt a person's life. For some people, shyness seems to be a chosen, preferred style of life; for others, it is an imposed life sentence w ithout possibility of parole.
A t one end of the continuum are those w ho feel m ore com fortable w ith books, ideas, objects, or nature than w ith other people. W riters, scien tists, inventors, forest rangers, and explorers m ig h t w e ll have chosen a life ’s w ork that enables them to spend much of their tim e in a w orld only sparsely populated w ith hum ans. T hey are la rg e ly introverts, and associa tion w ith others holds lim ited appeal com pared to their needs for privacy and solitude. Like G reta Garbo, they w ould rather be alone.
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18 Shyness: what it is
Indeed, m an y people today are rediscovering the attractive q u ality of T horeau’s solitary life at W ald en Pond. But even w ith in this narrow slice of the shyness continuum , there are gradations from those who can easily relate to people when necessary, to others who find interaction difficult, because they don’t know how' to m ake sm all talk , address a group of people, dance, or handle a form al dinner w ith ease.
The m iddle range of shyness includes the b ulk of shy people, those w'ho feel intim idated and aw'kw'ard in certain situations w ith certain types of people. T heir discomfort is strong enough to disturb their social lives and inhibit their functioning, m akin g it difficult or im possible to say w hat they think or do w hat they’d like to do.
This type of anxiety m ay take the form of blushing and obvious em barrassm ent, as a young business executive describes:
Throughout my thirty-three years I have been subject to excessive blush ing as an especially incapacitating symptom of shyness. Although my drive and persistence has resulted in a Masters in Business Administration and a position as Assistant Vice President of a large, multibank holding company, the energy diverted by the shyness/blushing syndrome has un doubtedly prevented my movement into still higher responsibility.
Or this discom fort m ay be concealed behind an offensive attack that puts people off, as a w riter reports:
I barge in, hog conversations, rattle on endlessly m aking an ass and nui sance of myself, appearing to be insensitive to others, all for the same reasons others attempt to fade into the woodwork. M y underlying terror of being in public is no less, and my problems are no less serious than those of w all flowers.
Even San Francisco law yer M elv in B elli, who is noted for his dra m atic courtroom tactics, adm its that not o nly has he "often been shy,” but that he "becam e flam boyant to hide shyness.”4
Since the same source of shyness— a fear of people— produces such different reactions, a person’s outw’ard behavior is not alw ays a reliab le indicator of how shy he or she re a lly feels. Shyness often has an im pact on the w ay we act, but not necessarily in obvious or direct ways. U lti m ately, you are shy if you th in k you are, regardless of how you act in public.
People in the m iddle range of the shyness continuum g en erally are shy because they lack social sk ills, and/or they lack confidence in them selves. Some don’t have the social skills essential for keeping the m achinery of hum an relationships functioning sm oothly. T hey don’t know how to start a conversation or ask for a raise or speak up in class. Others don’t
Understanding shyness 1 9
have the confidence to do w hat they know’ is right. W h a t this lack of self-confidence can do even to a very in te llig e n t person is illustrated by the account of a young w om an whose shyness forced her to drop out of lawr school:
I started law' school in September, after scoring highly on the law board exams and maintaining a 3.94 [near straight A] grade-point average in college and being accepted to three law' schools w'ith no difficulty. But I withdrew before the first quarter was over. I didn’t quit because I w'as afraid of putting in the many study hours, but because I am so shy that I could not take sitting in class and hoping (p raying) that I w’ould not be called on. This is true despite the fact that I prepared the w'ork and knew the answers!
A t the far end of the shyness continuum are those individuals w'hose fear of people knows no bounds— the chronically shy. T hey experience extrem e dread w henever called on to do som ething in front of people, and are rendered so helpless by their overw'helm ing an xiety that their only altern ative is to flee and hide. These incapacitatin g consequences of ex trem e shyness are not lim ited to the young or to students. N or do they dissipate over tim e. A sixty-four-year-old w om an w rites:
I have lived a whole lifetim e of shyness. It was years before I could accept myself enough to believe that some person w'ould think I was w'orthy of being his w ife. I felt inadequate. I felt I w’asn’t good enough. I wras con sidered antisocial. I couldn’t relax with people. I never entertained my husband's friends. I w'as afraid of being no good, poor sport, anything. So if I didn’t entertain them, I w'ouldn’t be known. Finally, I was a cast-off, nobody liked me, including my husband. He divorced me and that wras the end.
A t its w orst, shyness m ay become a severe form of neurosis, a m ind paralysis that can result in depression and m ay even tu ally be a significant influence in suicide. A businesswom an w ho describes herself as an attrac tive, young-looking fifty-year-old responded to a radio talk-show discussion on shyness"' w'ith this shattering glim pse into her psyche:
I am lonely beyond belief. I live in complete solitude w'ithout a friend in the wrorld, neither male nor female. I have been betrayed many times over and my experiences in life have left me very unhappy and bitter. I spend the holidays in complete solitude. It is a period of great sadness and de pression for me and I dread each approaching holiday more and more, because of the intensifications of my loneliness at a time w'hen most peo ple are in the company of friends and relatives. I often think of ending my life, but I lack the guts to go through with it.
20 Shyness: w hat it is
For these people and for people in every segm ent of the continuum , shyness is a personal problem . N ot a little irritation, not a m inor perturba tion, but a real problem.
The positive side o f shyness
A lthough m any of these stories and statistics are distressing, we need to rem em ber that shyness has m an y favorable aspects, too. Between 10 and 20 percent of a ll those who are shy like it. T hey prefer shyness because they have discovered its positive side.
"R eserved,” "retirin g ,” "unassum ing,” "m odest” are a ll descriptions of shy people w hich carry a favorable connotation. M oreover, w hen pol ished, such a dem eanor is often considered "sophisticated” or "high class.” D avid N iven, Prince C harles, K atherine H epburn, and Jacq u elin e Onassis come to m ind as typical of this "I’d rather be som ew hat shy” type.
A British psychologist w ritin g in 1927 offers us a most deligh tfu l view on the virtues of shyness:
Shyness is so common, at least in this country, that we tend to accept it as something inborn, as a characteristic part of the charm of youth, and as evidence, when it persists into later years, of a certain fineness of char acter; it seems even to be a trait, perhaps not wholly to be deplored, in the national temperament.0
Shyness m akes one appear discreet and seriously introspective. It also increases one’s personal privacy and offers pleasures that only solitude can bring. Shy people do not intim idate or hurt others as overbearing, m ore forceful people m ay do. Isaac Bashevis Singer, the author, puts it elo q u en tly:
I don’t think that people should get over being shy. It is a blessing in disguise. The shy person is the opposite of the aggressive person. Shy people are seldom the great sinners. They allow society to remain in peace.7
A nother advantage of shyness is that one can be m ore selective in relatin g to others. Shyness offers an opportunity to stand back, observe, and then act cautiously and deliberately. Shy people can also feel secure in the know ledge that they w ill never be considered obnoxious, overaggres- sive, or pretentious. S im ilarly, the shy person can easily avoid interpersonal conflicts and, in some cases, m ay be valued as a good listener.
A p articu larly interesting positive outcome of being shy is the anonym ity and protection it provides. Shyness itself can serve as a m ask to keep
Understanding shyness 21
a person from being noticed, from standing out in the crowd. U nder conditions of anonym ity, people often feel liberated from the restraints of w'hat they "ought” and "should” do. Behavior is freed from the lim itations usually imposed by social convention. The M ardi Gras and H allow een offer vivid exam ples of the m arked changes in personality that the ano nym ity of m asks and costumes encourages.'s
In putting m y shy brother behind a m ask, m y m other intuitively knewr that he, too, would feel freer to act. Of course, to the other children he was an yth in g but anonymous. But their perspective was not his. And it is the subjective view that is most im portant in understanding shyness.
In questioning people about shyness, w e have let them do the defin ing— te llin g it as they see it. W e now' know that shyness is prevalent, often a problem fu ll of anxiety and grief, but for some a sought-after state of being. The decision to call yourself shy is determ ined in part by how often you feel shy, and how long you have harbored such anxieties. But w hat is the personal experience behind that lab el? W h a t is the psychology of shyness? Let us turn to the next chapter and find out.
hyness, it seems, touches a ll our lives in some w ay. W h a t we each thought w as our own secret hang-up is actu ally shared by an incredibly large num ber of people. And we can take g reat comfort in know ing that we are not alone in our suffering.
But w hat, exactly, is this suffering? W h a t does it feel like to be shy? Shirley R ad i, a successful jo urn alist and free-lance w riter, describes the inner turm oil she experiences .
Having personally suffered from shyness in varying degrees nearly all of my life, I know full w ell how it got started— skinny, homely little kid, skinnier and homlier teenager— and know all too w ell that neither the shyness researchers or those I’ve interviewed exaggerated how really aw ful and crazy it feels. I have known what it is to, no matter what the circumstance, feel self-conscious of my ever)' gesture, have trouble sw al lowing and talking, see my hands tremble for no apparent reasons, feel as if I were freezing to death w hile perspiring profusely, be confused about issues I am thoroughly fam iliar with, and imagine all sorts of ter rible things that might happen to me— the least of which being that I would lose my job for being a public disgrace.
I have experienced dizzy spells and twitching when in the company of absolutely nonthreatening men, women, and children. I've known what it is to avoid going to the grocery store because I couldn’t face the checker, to become excessively nervous w hile chatting with the man who delivers the milk, or be unable to tolerate the watchful gaze of my children’s friends w hile m aking popcorn for them. I have known what it is to have the feeling that I was stumbling naked through life with the whole thing being broadcast internationally via T elstar.1
W h en shy people ta lk about their reactions to shyness, they m ention three general areas of concern. First, there are the outw ard behavior signs that say to others, " I’m shy.” T hen, there are the physiological symptoms of anxiety, like blushing. And fin ally, there is an overpow ering feelin g of em barrassm ent and self-consciousness. Looking closely at these character istics of shyness, we can catch a glim pse into the personal w orld of some one wrho is shy.
W h en silence is not golden
A shy person reveals his or her shyness in several w'ays. F ully 80 percent report that their reluctance to ta lk is the tip-off to them and to others that som ething is w rong. About h alf of the shy people report that they find it difficult or im possible to m ake eye contact. "If I can’t say anything, at least I can say it q u ietly” seems to be a typical reaction in 40 percent of the shys. T hey judge them selves to have a too soft speaking voice (th e bane of speech teachers— who, in turn, are the bane of shy p eo p le ). A nother
seg-s
26 Shyness: what it is
m ent of shy people sim p ly avoid other people or fail to take the initiative to act w hen action is called for.
P h yllis D iller, for a ll her apparent outspoken zaniness, was one of the shy silent-avoiders:
Teachers who knew me as a child told my parents I was the most pain fully shy youngster they’d ever seen. I was so shy at school dances that I’d stay in the room with the coats. I was so afraid of m aking a noise at ball games, I'd hum the
yells.-Ir is not only shy people who clam up. Research indicates that silence is a lik e ly reaction to the anxiety w e a ll feel in p articu lar situations.* But because shy people repeatedly fail to express them selves, they are less effective in shaping their w orld. People relate to others by b arg ain in g and n egotiating— for services, com m itm ents, tim e, security, love, and so on. As country singer Loretta Lynn w rites, "Life is lik e go in g into a bargain store.” W ith o u t the free exchange of ideas and feelings w ith others, this im portant b arg ain in g doesn’t happen.
"R eticence” is the term that best describes a shy person’s reluctance to relate to others. Reticence is an un w illin gn ess to speak unless prodded, a disposition to rem ain silent, an inclination not to speak freely.
Professor G erald P h illip s and his associates have been studying this reticence syndrom e for the past ten ye ars.1 P h illip s believes reticence is
n o t just a specific avoidance of public speaking, it is a m ore g en eral, deeper
problem . Even w hen reticent students are taugh t specific techniques in public speaking, some are still g e n e ra lly inept at com m unicating. In fact, he reports that about a third of the students became even m ore anxious after they had m astered some speaking sk ills! Perhaps they no longer had an obvious excuse for not being m ore sociable, but still felt uncom fortable re latin g to others at a personal level. T hey had learned the "how ” of com m unication, but still needed w ork on the "w h at” and "w hy.”
T he problem of reticence is not one of m erely lackin g com m unication sk ills, but involves, more fu n d am en tally, a distorted perception of w hat hum an relationships are a ll about. The reticent person acts like a very conservative investor in a risky, v o latile economic m arket. Expectation of w h at m igh t be gained is outw eighed by anticipation of w hat could be lost by g ettin g involved. So w hy b o th er?
Blushing and butterflies
A t a p h ysiological level, shy people report the fo llo w in g sym ptom s: their pulses race, their hearts pound, they perspire noticeably and, down below, "butterflies” do their thing. Interestingly, we a ll experience these physical
The personal w orld o f the shy 27
reactions w ith any strong em otion, regardless of w hether we are sexually aroused, frightened, euphoric, or angry. Our bodies don’t tell us much to help distinguish am ong these q u alitativ ely different feelings. If we had to rely solely on physiological cues, we w ould never know when to say "I do” or "dam n you,” w hether to m ake love or w ar.
H owever, one physical sym ptom is n o t part of gen eral arousal. It’s the one that shy people can’t hide— blushing. A m iddle-aged salesm an explains its effects on his life:
I find m yself developing a habit of turning red in the facc when in cer tain situations. This is most distressing to me as it hinders my involvement in many activities that my line of work leads me toward. Public speaking is out of the realm of possibility, small group discussions are rarely han dled well, and occasionally, even face-to-face communication is difficult without showing signs of embarrassment. The situation is progressively getting worse.
M ost of us have occasion to blush, feel our hearts pounding, or find "butterflies” in our stomachs. Not-shy people accept these reactions as m ild discomfort and look to the positive aspects of w hat m ig h t happen later— h avin g a good conversation w ith the m inister at the church social, g ettin g the righ t directions from a French gendarm e, learn in g the latest dance step. Shy people, however, tend to concentrate on these physical symptoms. In fact, som etim es they don’t even wrait to get into a situation that m ight m ake them feel shy. T hey experience the sym ptom s in advance and, th in k ing only of disaster, decide to avoid the church social or the tour to Paris or the dance.
P layw rig h t Tennessee W illia m s relates how this self-fu lfillin g proph ecy worked in his life:
I remember the occasion on which this constant blushing had its begin ning. 1 believe it was in a class in plane geometry. I happened to look across the aisle and a dark and attractive girl was looking directly into my eyes and at once I felt my face burning. It burned more and more in tensely after I had faced front again. M y God, I thought, I’m blushing because she looked into my eyes or I into hers and suppose this happens whenever my eyes look into the eyes of another?
As soon as I had entertained that nightmarish speculation, it was imme diately turned into a reality.
Literally, from that incident on, and almost without remission for the next four or five years, I would blush whenever a pair of human eyes, male or female, would meet m ine.5
28 Shyness: w hat it is
Embarrassment
B lushing often accom panies feelings of em barrassm ent, a short-lived, acute loss of self-esteem w hich w e a ll experience from tim e to tim e. W e are em barrassed w hen the public spotlight is suddenly shining on a private event. Som etim es this happens w hen someone reveals som ething about us to other people. "John w as just fired for incom petence,” or, "A lice just spent an hour p u ttin g on her m ake-up— you should see her w ithout i t ! ” w ould probably be enough to em barrass any of us. On the other hand, unexpected praise often em barrasses those of us w ho are modest people. Other tim es we become em barrassed wrhen w e’re caught in a private action — necking in a parked car, pickin g our noses, adjustin g our pantyhose.
W e also become em barrassed, w hen we realize that our ineptness is, or w ill soon be, observed by others, and they w on’t approve of it. C ornell M acN eil, baritone star of the San Francisco opera, recalls:
As a young boy coming from M innesota, I can remember being shy at parties. For example, in 1966, a dinner party in San Francisco was held follow ing the opening of the opera. You know how elegant San Fran cisco is and how full of the beautiful people. At the dinner they served Rock Cornish Hens. They were slippery from having been held over too long. I was afraid if I ate mine that it would slip off the plate and down the decollete dress of one of the ladies opposite. So I only ate the rice.6 T his notion of em barrassm ent-about-ineptness wras tested in an inter esting experim ent by A ndre M o d iglian i.' In a com petitive "team ” situa tion, Dr. M o d iglian i prearranged for some subjects to do so poorly on a task that their perform ance w ould cause the entire team to fail. Those who experienced this failu re in p ublic reported being quite em barrassed, more so than others w ho wTere allo w ed to " fa il” the task in private. Those who failed in private becam e m ild ly em barrassed w hen they thought that their ineptness m ig h t soon be exposed publicly.
Those w ho felt the most em barrassed m ade the greatest effort to recover their lost esteem through "facew ork.” Facework involves attem pts to m aintain one’s poise, com petence, and identity in social gatherings. This research identified six facew ork tactics:
• D efensively ch an gin g the subject: "H ow m uch longer w ill this take? I have an appointm ent.”
• Excusing the perform ance: "Fluorescent ligh ts mess up m y con centration.”
• Show ing off other good q u alities: "T ennis isn’t m y th in g ; I’m into chess.”
The personal w orld o f the shy 29
• P utting down the failed task: "E ating w ith chopsticks is a w aste of tim e w hen forks are a v a ilab le .”
• D enial of failu re: "Nobody else could please her either.”
• Fishing for reassurance: "I hope I didn’t mess you guys up too badly, did I ? ”
Since most shy people have a low sense of self-esteem , they m ay not attem pt these diversionary tactics of facework. R ather, they learn to avoid any situation that m ay be p o ten tially em barrassing, thereby further isolat in g them selves from other people and instead concentrating on their own shortcom ings.
Some people report feelin g shy even w hen they are alone. They blush and become em barrassed w h ile v ivid ly im ag in in g a previous fa u x pas. Or they become anxious by an ticip atin g an upcom ing social encounter. W ith these retrospective and prospective arracks, shyness intrudes itself even into our solitary moments.
Self-consciousness
Since a gen eral operating principle of shyness is obviously to keep a low profile, the shy person suppresses a m ultitude of thoughts, feelings, and actions that co n tin u ally threaten to surface. It is in this inner m ental w orld w here shy people really live out their lives. W h ile pub licly the shy person seems to be go in g now here qu ietly, inside is a maze of thought highw ays cluttered w ith head-on collisions of sensations and noisy traffic jam s of frustrated desires.
The most characteristic feature of the shy person’s m akeup is an ex trem e self-consciousness. Self-aw areness, "gettin g in touch w ith yourself,” and self-insight arc central to m an y theories of h ealth y personality and are goals of a variety of current therapies. H ow ever, this same tendency tow ard self-analysis and appraisal of one’s thoughts and feelings signals psychological disturbance w hen it becomes obsessive. Shy people often carry it that far.
M ore than 85 percent of a ll those w ho report b ein g shy te ll us they are excessively preoccupied w ith them selves. T his self-consciousness has both a public and a private dim ension (a s revealed in the research by A rnold Buss and his asso ciates).51
Public self-consciousness is reflected in a person’s concern about his
or her effect on others: " W h a t do they th in k about m e?” " W h a t kind of im pression am I m a k in g ?” "Do they like m e ?” "H ow can I m ake sure they like m e ?” If you are a pub licly self-conscious type, you would respond w ith a resounding "yes” to most of these item s:
30 Shyness: what it is
• I’m concerned about m y style of doing things. • I'm concerned about the w ay I present m yself. • I’m self-conscious about the w'ay I look.
• I usually w orry about m akin g a good impression.
• One of the last things I do before I leave my house is look in the m irror.
• I’m concerned about w hat other people think of me. • I’m usually aw are of m y appearance.
Private self-consciousness is the m ind turned in on itself. It’s not just
the process of turn in g one’s attention inw ard, but the negative content of that egocentric focus: "I am inadequate.” "I’m inferior.” "I am stupid.” "I am u g ly .” "I am w orthless.” Each thought is a candidate for investigation under a pow erful an alytical microscope.
This psyche-analysis is com parable to that practiced by the w o rld ’s greatest egoist, Sigm und Freud— w ith one exception. Freud’s purpose was to understand w here those thoughts and desires cam e from and to de cipher m eaning out of confusion. The goal of such self-searching was to free the person from unreasonable barriers to action, and to help him or her be more in tune w ith both tender and terrifyin g im pulses. In contrast, a shy person’s obsessive analysis becomes an end in itself, stifling action by transferring the energy needed for the deed to the thought.
If you are p rivately self-conscious, you w ill answ er "yes” to a ll or most of these item s:
• I’m alw ays trying to figure m yself out. ■ G en erally, I’m very aw are of m yself. • I reflect about m yself a lot.
• I’m often the subject of m y own fantasies. • 1 alw ays scrutinize m yself.
• I’m g en erally attentive to m y inner feelings. • I ’m constantly exam in in g m y motives.
• I som etim es have the feelin g that I’m off som ewhere w atching m y self.
• I’m alert to changes in m y mood.
• I’m aw are of the w ay m y m ind works when I w ork through a prob lem .
T his distinction between the two kinds of self-consciousness can be extended to shyness. The research of Paul Pilkonis has identified two basic
The personal w orld o f the shy 31
types of shy people: those who are publicly shy and those who are p ri v ately shy.!l One is m ore concerned about behaving badly, the other, about
feelin g badly.
The pub licly shy are more distressed by their aw kw ard behavior and their failure to respond appropiately in social situations. Concern with their possible inept perform ance is m irrored by their h igh scores on the m easures of public self-consciousness scale. For the p rivately shy, w'hat one does takes a back seat to one’s subjective feelin gs of discomfort and fear of being found w anting. As you m igh t expect, these m em bers of the private club scored higher on overall self-consciousness as w e ll as on p ri vate self-consciousness.
The publicly shy person
Of these two types of shy people, which do you suppose feels their shyness as a greater "problem ” ? The burden of shyness appears to be greater for public than for private shy persons. T h eir feelings affect their perfor mance, which affects how7 others evaluate them , which affects how they come to th in k of them selves. Bad feelings, inadequate perform ance, poor show-and-tell ratings, low' self-esteem . N ext tim e around, lay low', shut up, stand short, and if they don’t go aw ay, at least they w on’t notice you.
Form er football star Roosevelt G rier, a m assive h ulk of a m an, took this low-road route to hide his childhood feelings of inadequacy.
W hen I was a kid, my fam ily moved North from Georgia to New Jersey. I was thrust into an area where people talked with different accents, differ ent intonations, used different phrases, and— worse— I talked differently from anyone they ever heard. Therefore I became an instant target, par ticularly in school. In spite of my size, I was mimicked and laughed at. And I was so thrown by this ridicule that, instead of laughing in return, I went almost mute. I didn’t talk unless I was forced to.10
The p ub licly shy cannot read ily com m unicate their fears, uncertain ties, good q u alities, and desires to the appropriate others. P utting them selves in these nonreturnable self-containers, they don’t get the help, ad vice, recognition and love everyone needs at one tim e or another.
I’ve had shy students who w ould never en ro ll in sem inars or take the opportunity to w'ork closely w ith a professor. Instead, they w ould hide out in the back seats of large lecture h alls. W h en senior year comes, m any are ready to go on to become doctors, law yers, engineers, or w hatever. But no m atter how h igh their grade-point averages, they still need solid letters of recom m endation to m ove up the next rung on the ladder of achievem ent. And no one knows who they are, because they were so
