Challenging Her Self-Esteem
Challenging Her Self-Esteem
To Grow Forever
To Grow Forever
by Lawrence Lanoff
by Lawrence Lanoff
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Challenging Her Self-Esteem To Grow Forever
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Challenging Her Self-Esteem To
Grow Forever
Marcus Aurelius said, “The Sexual Embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer.” What I want to talk to you about now is
challenging her sexual self-esteem to grow forever. When I look at the lovers in my life, I see women who are free. My framework, my goal has always been freedom – to encourage and allow them to expand and to grow. To be free and to explore. To be anything but owned property. To be autonomous adult humans who are free to experience everything and
all that they wish to experience.
When I am with a woman, I encourage her to move beyond what Mommy and Daddy taught her about life, beyond the limited frames that have kept her in prison and have kept her in bondage and have kept her vagina snapped and sewn shut in many cases. Often, her upbringing has
completely limited her pleasure. Because in our Judeo-Christian culture, though we no longer do actual clitoridectomies, psychologically we still do. And we really have quite effectively separated a woman from her vagina, from her pussy, from her pleasure.
So in this segment I really want to encourage you to create an environment that challenges her sexual self-esteem to grow forever. There’s a tool kit for this, because there are things that she needs that give her this sense of safety or context of “OK, I have this safe base of understanding that my partner accepts me as I am.” So the framework that I use for this is
something that I teach and coach one-on-one; I call it Radical Self-Acceptance.
So the first frame I use is Radical Self-Acceptance in communicating to her anything regarding sexuality. What this means is that anything she brings up, any desire, anything she wants to explore, any fear she has
about her sexuality, I radically accept that framework. It seems to me that as soon as that is your framework, what that creates is a sense of safety and well-being and a lack of judgmental criticism.
Let me give you an example. Last night I was walking to my car after speaking at an event and on the way out, it was about 10 o’clock at night, on the way out, I saw a woman standing outside against the wall, and she seemed to be lost in thought, so I stopped. And I just said, “Hey, what’s happening?”
And she said, “Well I’m thinking.” And so a conversation ensued. What was interesting about the conversation is that I kno w that she told me something that she has never told anybody else. And since she will not be listening to this program I can share it with you in confidence.
And what she told me is she’s been married to her husband for quite a while, sounded like close to 15 years. In that time, she had had two
children, and she and her husband had a relationship, but she was stuck in a framework of the Madonna, of the mother. And because they were so young when they got married, her sexual self-esteem was never
challenged. As she is standing outside and we’re talking, she looks at me and she says, “I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anybody, and I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but you make me feel that
anything I say, you’ll accept and you’ll accept me.”
And I said, “Well, that’s true.” And she proceeded to tell me about having an affair and having fallen deeply in love with an older man. And she expected me to shame her or demoralize or blame her, but I know about the Language of Lust, I know the importance of erotic stimulation.
And it was obvious to me, that here, at 10 o’clock at night outside of the hotel where I was speaking, this woman stood thinking while her husband was in the bar drinking. And I understood something that she longed to be understood about. That she is a woman. That she is a sexual creature. That she wants and needs more than to just be pet occasionally, or fucked
jackhammer style, porn style, by a young man who is simply getting his rocks off and has no concern about her. And so as she was closing down to her husband, her sexual energy didn’t disappear, it just got redirected. And eventually it found its way to an older man who was very open and
accepting of her sexual energy.
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that needs to be explored regularly with your partner. So there are five principles that will encourage her and challenge her to grow her sexual self-esteem, and I’m going to share those with you right now.
First, understand there is no right way. So if you’re approaching sex as if it is a performance or a kind of perfect dance, then frankly, you’re taking the pleasure and possibility out of sex. For example, I recently met with a coaching client and it was obvious to me why she hadn’t been laid in 4 years. And the main reason was she was shooting for perfection. She wanted to look perfect, she wanted to feel perfect, and she
wanted to have sex perfectly. She had some image in her head, and that image was an impossible image to attain. Those are what I call sexual leprechauns. They don’t exist in reality, they can’t exist in reality and yet we are drawn to them like moths to a flame. So I invited her to break that down by pointing out that there is no right way.
In fact, my framework is all ways are the right way. If you’re having sex, if you’re having pleasure, if you’re communicating, then you’re doing fine. Even if you’re not communicating, as long as there is a way to engage with freedom and openness, you’re doing great. So this is where the framework of Radical Self-Acceptance becomes so important because it understands there’s no perfect way, there’s no right way. Whatever the way is, the framework is, I just accept it.
I also accept something very powerful, and that is the second
principle: That mistakes are really incredible things and when you mess something up in the bedroom, when you perhaps just
miscalibrate where your lover actually is emotionally – maybe you’re feeling super rough and raw and she’s feeling super tender – and you go really rough and raw and then her response is like “Yikes!” it’s important for you to learn and communicate about that. Because
calibration is essential. And when you’re having sex and getting to know a lover in the beginning of a relationship, there are lots of times you’ll mess things up. But as long as you can smile, as long as you can talk about it, as long as you can call it out, then mistakes are really beautiful things.
They’re fun things to talk about and bond over.
And so that leads me to the third principle, which is, of course, that you have to accept your own sexual desires and where you are in life.
darkest desires, the more you explore and discuss your kinks, the more accepting you will be with her. And then you guys can play.
That really is the fourth principle: to play. Sex is fun. Sex is adult fun. And there’s so much fun to be had. So that’s part of how I challenge her sexual self-esteem to grow because I’m always encouraging play and fun and exploration. And this creates an environment where we know good things are going to happen whenever we’re exploring sex.
The fifth thing that I think is really, really important is the principle upon which this program is based, which is that it’s really, really important to unleash language. Unleash her words, unleash her sounds. This allows for really beautiful things to happen in her sexuality because using words like, you know, I’m just taking an example, but saying “I want you to look in my eyes while you fuck me. I’m going to spread my pussy open and I want you to make me cum with your mouth or your
tongue. I want you to spank me.” Her ability to communicate her needs to say things like “Faster, Slower,” without worrying about your ego is critical.
And let me tell you this, put your fucking ego in check right now. Like seriously, check your ego because it’s not valuable in bed. Like thinking you’re a rock star, or you know, taking words that she says as criticism, like seriously, we as men have to grow the fuck up. And part of cultivating sexual self-esteem is giving her the freedom to communicate what she needs and what she wants and how she’s feeling. Take orgasm off the table, in other words the goal of orgasm – where we stick the flag in and orgasm has happened and now, yay, the band cheers, the crowd roars – because that’s a lot of pressure. So if we take that off the table, then sex is
really a movement of energy, of quality of communication, of sensation.
And that movement itself feels good. To go all Zen on you for a second, the Zen of this particular segment is when it comes to sex, the end result is not the point. It’s the path, the play that is the journey; there’s no place to get to. And that attitude creates an environment that is the right
environment for cultivating sexual self-esteem.
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her body, for her mind, for her sharing, for her opening and sharing her sexuality with you, that creates a beautiful environ ment for her to grow in.
Second, in this case, you want to cultivate feelings of connection. Connection is essential for good, deep sex. Like, it doesn’t matter how kinky you go, great kink is built on solid connection. So I don’t always want it to be like slow Tantric sex, that would just be, that would sort of be the equivalent . . . the Tantric equivalent to the Madonna. I don’t want that at all and neither do you. We want to change the flavors and so the
common theme to sexual vulnerability and sexual self-esteem is this sense of connectedness and a sense of an emotional connection and a bond and a safe space, which is what I started speaking about at the beginning of this program.
So when she feels that intimate connection, then that allows her more safety to open. Then she wants to feel that she is appreciated for the gifts she’s bringing to the table. She wants to feel that sexy deliciousness that comes from having a body and a pussy, to walk around with breasts that attract just simply because they are, to possess the curves that make having a female form such an exceptional thing since the beginning of human history. Appreciating these things and really acknowledging them, and even speaking about them and sharing your turn on about these things, also creates a sense of safety.
And finally, treating her with your raw passion or treating her to your raw passion. That being able to look at her and grab your cock and, you kn ow,
especially in our porn culture, this is a really awesome thing to do, to be able to lay your partner down and stroke your cock while you look at her stroking her pussy. Using these aspects of pleasure and turn on for more turn on and sharing those parts of yourself with vulnerability.
And when you can be with your lover and let her be your live porn and, you know, get off on that together and share that kind of vulnerability and turn on, it’s an extremely powerful confidence-building thing. Because as you know for yourself, part of confidence comes through experience and knowing that you can handle a given situation; that’s what confidence is.
Confidence is this intersection of experience and knowledge. And when you intersect these two things you gain confidence. Because now you may say, “Yes, I have some knowledge, but I have no experience, or I have lots
of experience, but I have no knowledge.” but remember, the intersection point of those points is confidence and wisdom. That is sexy as fuck. And
she will appreciate you for that.
So, finally, to summarize this segment, and really to summarize what it is to have mastery, is to understand that this entire program rotates around the idea, the core idea, of freeing yourself and your woman from sexual shame. And you do that by freeing your beliefs, by challenging your experiences, by challenging the limitations that were put on you by culture, by mom, by dad. And really challenging your self-esteem to continue to grow so that both of you are open. You are open and she is open and you can invite and challenge each other to continue to grow sexually forever.
My experience, and I’ve been doing this probably a lot longer than many of you listening to this program, my experience is that sex just keeps
getting better and better, which is shocking because that wasn’t always the case. I remember when I turned 30, I thought it was the end of my sex life. I truly did. I thought that I would never be able to have experiences that I still hadn’t had at age 30, I just thought it was over. That you know, if I hadn’t had a threesome by the time I was 30 it was over. If I hadn’t had just unbridled, wild sex that it would be over for me.
And in fact, sex has just gotten better and better and that includes with my primary relationship. Sex with my partner just continues to grow and
deepen and get more exciting, and orgasms are more intense because we’re building on this foundation of all of the materials that I’ve been sharing with you in this course and specifically in this segment.
So in summary, the one thing you want to let go of is sexual shame. Sexual shame is the kryptonite to freedom of sexual expression and to sexual esteem. And the kryptonite to sexual shame is radical self-acceptance – that no matter what comes into your mind, no matter what comes out of her mouth, no matter what you’re experiences are, that you just accept, generously, because sex is adult play time. And play is
necessary, and pleasure is necessary to our well-being and to the quality of our lives.
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Thank you for listening, please feel free to review this material at any time. This is an important segment. There’s a lot going on here and I invite you to listen and to take action right now.
So right in this moment, if there’s one core idea you’re taking away, I want you to write it down right now. And for the next week apply it.
Whatever that is, whatever you heard, whatever it was that clicked for you in this segment, I want you to write it down and I want you to apply it this week. Take one idea and apply it.
And again, listen to this program in a week and find the next idea. But keep expanding and keep challenging your self-esteem to grow regarding your sex life. And again, thanks for listening. This is Lawrence and I will see you in the next segment.
