Courageous Conversations Part I

Courageous Conversations – Part I

Introduction & Motivation

As I strive to build up Kol Simcha in Gainesville, Florida into a Messianic Community within a university city replete with young adults and an ultra-liberal mindset, I have noticed reluctance for people (including young adults) to face the difficult issues in fear of potentially straining friendships and personal interaction. I have noticed this phenomenon taking place both in marriage partners, courtship couples, and among deeper friendships in young adults. It seems OK to chance confrontation with those we have casual relationships with, but with close friends or among couples, it is quite another story. If we are secure in our position in Messiah and within our family and congregation and we enter into a courageous conversation with the presupposition that breaking up is not an option, I believe we can eliminate the great-est threat to building and maintaining fellowship—breached relationships (friendships).We are all aware of the Scriptural directives:

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift…If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the congregation; and if he refuses to listen even to the congregation, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” (Matthew 5:23-24; 18:15-17)

Rabbi Slobodkin e-mailed me earlier this year: “You're stuck either way. If you have a problem with a brother...

go. If you know your brother has a problem with you... go.” But the fact is we do not go to one another in most cases. Why? Because loving confrontation is (optimistically) difficult and (pessimistically) impossible. What’s even more frustrating is to want to go and obey Scripture, but feel either inadequate or ill-prepared in dealing with others. Let’s face it; we are not trained in godly conflict resolution. So we do what comes most natural to us—nothing. I have ob-served that people either have confrontations that result in damaged relationships (a form of death) or they endure the pain hoping and coping until the day the L-rd deals with the individual.

Courageous Conversations

We need to have courageous conversation—whether with our son or daughter, or with our parents, or with our mom and dad, or with one of our best friends, or with the brother or sister in our congregation. Our leaders are good, they are anointed, they are gifted and capable (as I believe Nestor & Aury are), but they cannot solve or mediate every situation. It is neither practical nor feasible to have our spiritual leaders handle each and every situation (not to mention the fact the Matthew tells us that it is us, the two parties with the issues, who must face one another to resolve it). I would like to share with Kol Simcha that having courageous conversations is a viable way to preserve and maintain real fellowship. With that in mind two Scriptures express my feelings in the matter: “What we have seen and heard, we are proclaiming to you; so that you too may have fellowship with us. Our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Yeshua the Messiah” and “But if we are walking in the light, as he is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of his Son Yeshua purifies us from all sin.” (1 John 1:3, 7) To be sure, Yeshua has added you to Kol Simcha. It is His decision and not anyone else’s (Psalm 127:1). You have been recommended by the high-est authority in the world to our congregation—Rabbi Yeshua Himself.

Understanding the use of Questions in a Courageous Conversation

A. The goal of the questions.

• To create a safe environment for both parties.

• To block out extraneous issues that cause anger and reaction. • To focus on one key issue at a time.

• To identify the real issue in discussion if it was not listed to begin with. • To guide each party to hear what the other feels and says.

• To respond to what was said accurately and with empathy. • To arrive at a resolution that is mutually acceptable.

B. The Role of an Initiator Facilitator or Arbitrator To understand the needs of a woman.

• She wants to go into a “ocean of emotions.”

• She wants to share all the details she thinks are important. • She wants to be heard and understood.

• She is fearful of rejection and reaction. To understand the needs of a man.

• He wants to “retreat and withdraw” in the face of conflict. • If confronted he wants to come, see and conquer.

C. The Skill of Listening

• Knowing how to listen with the heart—to hear with understanding, “shema” (Mk 12:29, Deut. 6:4-9) • Learning how to listen with non-verbal communications.

• Learning how to listen with the proper attitudes—Beatitudes. • Learning how to listen with patience and no time limit. • Learning how to listen without an agenda.

• Learning what to listen for: hurts, misunderstandings and false beliefs. • Learning who to listen to:

Listening to the voice of God, “Bow down thy ear and hear.” “Listen, vuvh, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.” (Ps 86:1)

Listening to the Word of God, “Hear the word of the Lord…” (Ez. 6:3, 25:3, 36:4) Listening to our conscience, “Their own conscience accusing them.” (John 8:9)

Listening to our counselors, “In the multitude of counselors there is safety.” (Prov. 11:14, 24:6

Listening to our adversaries, “To answer someone before hearing him out is both stupid and embarrass-ing.” (Prov. 18:13)

Responding to Ten Key Questions

The one who is offended will be asked the questions first. The questions are designed to avoid inflammatory state-ments, argustate-ments, blame or justification. The listener is to repeat the answers of the offended party back to them just as they said it, with feeling and understanding. They are not to embellish, justify or blame. The purpose of this conversation is to find the wisdom to identify the root problems, build an understanding for renewed or deeper relationship and gain the knowledge for the next step of action. “By wisdom an house is builded and by understanding it is established,

1. What is your most pressing issue?

The purpose of this question is to bring out for discussion the issue which is blocking fellowship and hindering any reso-lution. Often, the person answering the question will not bring out the real issue for fear of reaction or rejection. So, they will test the waters with a more benign issue. They may also have a problem pin pointing the issue and begin to explain many issues. They should be gently encouraged to define the important issue to discuss right now. The question demon-strates a sincere desire by the offender to deal with the offending issue and restore relationship and build upon it.

2. What I hear you saying is...Is there any other more important issue?

The offender must repeat back exactly what he heard and in the spirit in which he heard it. The purpose of this question is to clarify the issue and to help both parties feel safe by assuring the one that has the issue that he or she is fully accepted and understood. The goal is to have the person feel safe enough and understood enough to share the true issue if it was not already given.

The tendency is not to accurately repeat the issue, but to defend, blame or justify. If this happens, the issue will not be resolved and the relationship will not be restored. A courageous conversation gives the listener the opportunity to demonstrate the Beatitudes, which Yeshua explained were essential in order to be blessed. The Beatitude on this first question must be poor in spirit, with a humble and contrite heart.

It is important for the one who is accurately restating what was defined as the issue to realize that he is not necessar-ily agreeing with the issue or the things that were stated. He is simply letting the person know that he is hearing them and understanding what they are saying. This is tremendously important, because it causes the one with the issue to break down the barriers and want come together in a oneness of spirit.

The information that is given by stating the issue may not be factual or even relevant, however it is the perception of the one who is speaking and very often perception is bigger than reality. No progress will be made until the offender is able to accurately identify with their perception of reality. It is through this means that we also identify the false beliefs and conclusions of the person who has the issue.

3. How is this issue affecting you?

In this question we want to learn the painful consequences of the offense. The answer to this question should pro-duce in the offending party a spirit of mourning and grieving for what was done. Without such a spirit the offending party will feel frustrated and be motivated to respond with harshness in order to retaliate so that the person will feel like mourning.

The tendency is for the offender to justify himself and belittle the importance or seriousness of the problem. The Scripture that must be applied here is to “If someone sues you, come to terms with him quickly, while you and he are on the way to court; or he may hand you over to the judge [divorce court], and the judge to the officer of the court, and you may be thrown in prison [of bitterness]! Yes indeed! I tell you, you will certainly not get out until you have paid the last penny [of alimony and child support].” (Matthew 5:25-26)

4. If nothing changes, what will happen in the future?

This question is designed to help the offender realize the loss that will come to him if he does not settle this issue right now. Very often a man assumes that things will just naturally get better and he is unaware that is wife is already making plans to end her misery. The response to this question should deepen the attitude of true sorrow and mourning over the

damage that has been done and the eternal fires that have been allowed to burn because it was not handled more quickly.

Courageous Conversations – Part II

This question often allows the offended party to express what they have been wanting to say for a long time. Usually offenses become great because little suggestions for remedies or improvements were brushed aside and rejected. When recommendations are not acted upon for whatever reason, the person with the offense stops focusing on the action and begins to despise the person. This only deepens the conflicts between the parties.

The Beatitude required for this question is meekness, the willingness to set aside his rights in order to meet the needs of the one who has the issue. If the offender holds on to his rights and insists on being right, then he will develop a spirit of resistance and reaction, which will immediately be recognized by the one with the issue and they will close off their spirit to further discussion.

This is an opportunity for the offender to hunger and thirst after Messiah’s righteousness, which is based on truth and mercy, rather than establishing his own righteousness, which is based on pride and selfishness. This is a critical turn-ing point in the conversation and must be taken very seriously. There may be wisdom in takturn-ing time out at this point to ask the Lord to reveal what his Will is, because it is God who is the ultimate arbitrator.

6. What do you see as your responsibility for this issue?

This may come as a surprise to the one who has the issue, because they usually focus so much on the other person’s responsibility. However, if the offender has demonstrated the proper attitudes in the first five questions, the one with the issue will be motivated to respond in a positive way to this question and mercy will flow.

If sufficient time is allowed for this answer, the person with the issue may be convicted by the Holy Spirit to realize that it was not all the fault of the one who offended, but perhaps even mostly their fault for allowing it to happen. An ex-ample of this would be the brother who came to Yeshua with an issue about a sibling who was unwilling to share an in-heritance with him. Yeshua pointed out that the real issue was not with the sibling, but with his greed.

7. What do you see as the preferable future?

This question actually has two parts. The first one is what responses the offended person would like to see in the event of a future failure. Without thinking this through a reoccurrence could cause major discouragement and a feeling that the procedure did not work. However, with measures in place there will be “standard operating procedures” to navigate through the failure.

The second part of the question is working out a course of action that could eliminate the problem from developing again. This would involve precautionary measures and steps of action that would maintain harmony. The offended party is often asked to picture an ideal day and what it would involve. A further aspect of this question is considering what is God’s evaluation of an ideal day. The Beatitude here is being pure in heart, which means seeing life as God sees it and carrying it out with pure motives.

8. What is the most powerful thing we can agree to ask God to do?

the other person rather than realizing only God can do it. This is the message of Psalm 62:5, “My soul, wait thou only upon God, from Him cometh my expectation [not from a husband, wife or anyone else].”

A further need for this question is the fact that at this point either party could be totally overwhelmed at what their responsibility is to deal with the problem. They may have the tendency to just give up, and yet that is not going to reach the purpose of a courageous conversation. Psalm 57:2 states: “I will cry out to God Most High; unto God that per-formeth all things for me.” God promises, “That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matt. 18:19-20)

9. Based on the above, what is the one thing we cannot fail to do?

This question brings focus to what matters most in bringing about the preferable future. If we fail to do this one thing properly, then all other efforts will be rendered inconsequential. An example of this would be a surgeon doing a master-ful operation, but causing an infection with unwashed hands.

There may be many efforts and sacrifices that the offending party would be willing to make at this point, but they may all be inconsequential if he misses the one thing that is most important to the offended party. The answer to this question will either reaffirm the most pressing issue or it will bring a new issue which will require the conversation to be-gin back at the bebe-ginning.

10. What practical steps must we do to make this happen?

Plans that are not definite will not happen. The offender must have a clear picture of the next step and how it should be carried out. The offended person will want to have the assurance that practical steps of action will be carried out and that things will not revert back to where they were before.

The activities that are scheduled should be those that have major results or that will make a major difference when car-ried out. They must also be done consistently in order to reaffirm that the most pressing issue has been resolved and that the preferable future can take place.