Next Thing You Know
a new musical
Music by Joshua Salzman
Book and Lyrics by Ryan Cunningham
Originally produced at CAP21
SCENE 1: Sullivan Street Tavern
#1 – Prelude
(A dark and dingy bar in New York City. The grime is part of its charm— like the musty basement of your favorite childhood memories. WAVERLY unlocks the door, flips on the light and hangs her keys on the hook. SHE begins to prepare the bar for the night.)
#2 – Little Bar on Sullivan Street (ENSEMBLE)
WAVERLY
SET UP THE BAR STOOLS, AND RUN THE TAPS. CHECK ON THE LIQUOR. WIPE OFF THE CAPS. FILL UP THE MIXERS. CUT UP A LIME.
MAKE SURE MY FRIENDS ARE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME. IF YOU WANT A FANCY COCKTAIL
THAT GLOWS UP IN NEON BLUE, THEN WE AIN’T FOR YOU.
NO.
WHERE NEW YORK’S TWENTY-SOMETHING DRUNKS COME TO MEET.
IT’S OUR LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN STREET.
DARREN Hey, babe. WAVERLY Hey, you. DARREN Slow night? WAVERLY
Not anymore. You’re here.
DARREN
Awww.
DARREN
COME IN THE EVENING AT HALF-PAST SIX. PROTECT MY LADY FROM BAR-FLY DICKS. TAKE IN A SINGER WHO SINGS OFF-KEY.
WHEN SHE TENDS BAR I TEND TO DRINK HERE FOR FREE. IF YOU WANT SOME FRIENDLY PEOPLE
WHO COULD CARE LESS WHERE YOU’VE BEEN, THEN COME ON IN!
OH!
TO PLAY SOME DARTS YOU PUT YOUR NAME ON THIS SHEET AT OUR LITTLE BAR,
WAVERLY
LITTLE BAR,
WAVERLY AND DARREN
LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN STREET.
LUKE
I CAME HERE TO MEET SOME WOMEN.
LISA
I AM HERE TO SING A SONG.
LUKE
SO WHERE YOU FROM?
LISA
OKAY, WHO LET HIM IN?
LUKE
Hey, watch it, cutie.
I COULD DO THIS ALL NIGHT LONG.
DARREN
ALL NIGHT LONG.
WAVERLY
ALL NIGHT LONG.
LISA
ALL NIGHT LONG.
ENSEMBLE
ALL NIGHT LONG!
LUKE
I’LL TAKE TWO WHISKEYS.
LISA
THANKS A LOT.
WAVERLY
THAT’S SEVEN BUCKS.
LISA
THIS SONG IS NEW.
DARREN
THIS LIQUOR’S RANCID.
WAVERLY
NO, IT’S NOT.
DARREN
THE FOOD HERE SUCKS.
WAVERLY
OKAY, THAT’S TRUE.
LUKE
THE WOMEN LOVE ME.
LISA
POINT OUT ONE.
LUKE
IT’S TIME WE MET.
LISA
YOU’RE GOOD AS DONE.
WAVERLY
THIS IS AS GREAT AS OUR LIVES WILL EVER GET.
LUKE
IF YOU LIVE LIFE IN THE FAST LANE AND YOU WANT A CHANGE OF PACE. THIS HERE’S THE PLACE.
ENSEMBLE
YEAH!
LUKE
THE BEER HERE’S BITTER, BUT THE WOMEN ARE SWEET. IN OUR LITTLE BAR,
DARREN
LITTLE BAR,
WAVERLY
LITTLE BAR,
LISA
LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN…
DARREN
THE FINEST VODKA TASTES A LITTLE LIKE DEET. AT OUR LITTLE BAR,
WAVERLY
LITTLE BAR,
LISA
LITTLE BAR,
LUKE
LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN…
LUKE
IT’S GETTIN’ ROWDY.
ENSEMBLE
WHOO!
WAVERLY
I’M GETTIN’ THROUGH.
LISA
YOU!
DARREN
THE WHISKEY’S FLOWIN’!
LUKE SHOT! LISA TEQUILA TOO! LUKE WHY NOT? WAVERLY
WE’RE LAUGHIN’ LOUDLY.
ENSEMBLE
YEAH!
DARREN
WE’RE HAVIN’ FUN!
ENSEMBLE
HEY!
NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ‘BOUT ALL THE SHIT THAT WE’VE DONE. AT OUR LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN… LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN… LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR, LITTLE BAR,
LITTLE BAR ON SULLIVAN STREET.
(Playout music for the transition. EVERYONE leaves, and WAVERLY gets back behind the bar. It’s now the next Monday.)
SCENE 2: Sullivan Street Tavern—The next Monday afternoon
(DARREN enters and throws his coat on the bar.)
WAVERLY
What can I get ya, cowboy?
DARREN
The finest beer on tap.
WAVERLY
Then you’re in the wrong place.
(DARREN leans over the bar and kisses WAVERLY.)
DARREN
An IPA in the big glass. I have to head back to work in forty-five minutes.
WAVERLY
You sure you want a big one?
DARREN
I’m a temp. They’re just happy I’m not stealing office supplies.
(WAVERLY pours him a big IPA and squirts herself a coke.)
WAVERLY
I have some news.
(WAVERLY pulls a piece of paper out of her purse and slams it down on the bar.)
DARREN
You wrote me a letter about it?
WAVERLY
It’s an offer.
DARREN
For a show?
WAVERLY
For my job. Full time.
DARREN
Here?
WAERLY
At the law firm.
DARREN
Full-time. Like a real job.
(LISA enters with an amp chord around her arm.)
LISA
Hey, ladies.
DARREN
You wish.
LISA
Don’t flatter yourself.
WAVERLY
Guys, please.
LISA
He started it.
WAVERLY
If I had known dating your ex would doom me to this, I would have come out of the closet with you.
LISA
You hear that, Darren? You just made another girl wish she was a lesbian.
DARREN
Waverly got a job offer. Full-time at the firm.
LISA
Congrats!
WAVERLY
It’s a three-month trial period.
(LISA heads to the side of the bar to set up her equipment.)
LISA
You’re great at that job, they’ll hire you full time.
WAVERLY
That’s what I’m afraid of.
LISA
Don’t you like it there?
WAVERLY
A lot.
LISA
And you’d get benefits, vacation and then you could leave here.
WAVERLY
I like it here!
LISA
Our paying customers don’t like it here.
WAVERLY
You play here all the time.
LISA
To a room of twenty drunks.
DARREN
And me!
LISA
Twenty-one.
DARREN
You should flip a quarter.
WAVERLY
I’m not leaving it all up to chance.
DARREN
You wouldn’t be. Watch.
(DARREN pulls a quarter out of his pocket.)
DARREN
Waverly, if you could choose one thing to eat for the rest of your life—peanuts or pretzels—what would it be?
WAVERLY
I’m not doing this.
DARREN
Heads, peanuts. Tails, pretzels.
(DARREN throws the quarter in the air. HE slaps it on the back of his hand.)
DARREN
It’s heads, peanuts.
WAVERLY
Peanuts? Really?
DARREN
Now we know you prefer pretzels.
LISA
So it’s not actually about choosing…
DARREN
…it’s about forcing one of the options upon you. Then you know what you want.
WAVERLY
That’s absurd.
DARREN
Ready? Heads, take the job. Tails, turn it down.
(DARREN flips the quarter. As it flies through the air WAVERLY snatches it.)
WAVERLY
We’re not going to decide this through a quarter.
LISA
I think you should take the job.
DARREN
I think you’re a wonderful actress who’s destined for more than office work.
WAVERLY
You do office work, and you seem pretty happy.
DARREN
I write every night. So I’m also a writer. You work every day and bartend every night, so you’re a working stiff and a bartender.
WAVERLY
I’m an actress. I just haven’t gotten a break yet.
DARREN
And you can’t get a break, because you’re not auditioning because of this stupid job.
WAVERLY
I like my jobs, and the freedom they give me. What don’t you understand about that?
DARREN
It just seems childish.
WAVERLY
You know what? You’re done.
(WAVERLY steals his beer and dumps it in the sink.)
DARREN
Hey! That was a big one.
WAVERLY
Now it’s an empty one. Go.
(A beat.)
DARREN
I’m sorry I said something that made you want to pour out a big one.
WAVERLY
Thank you.
DARREN
I’ll come by after work.
(DARREN throws his coat on and exits.)
DARREN
Good luck tonight, Lisa.
LISA
Thanks. I’m singing a song about you.
DARREN
Really?
LISA
Yeah. It’s called “The ineffectual heterosexual”.
DARREN
Good night.
(DARREN exits.)
#3 – It’s A Sign (LISA)
WAVERLY
It’s just a job, right?
LISA
IT’S A SIGN, IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON. LEAVE THIS OLD DIVE BAR BEHIND.
IT’S YOUR CHANCE, DON’T WAIT ‘TIL IT’S GONE. WAKE UP, AND MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
YOU’D HAVE A JOB, YOU’D HAVE A MAN. SO IT WASN’T PART OF YOUR MATER PLAN. IT’S A SIGN.
AND I’M WAITING FOR MINE
WAVERLY
You’re living the dream. You perform every weekend.
LISA
Then what? At least you have Darren to go home to.
WAVERLY
She’s out there. You’ll find her.
LISA
THAT WAS ALWAYS MY PLAN. MEET HER HERE IN NEW YORK, THEN SHE’D WHISK ME AWAY. WE’D PACK ALL OUR THINGS, AND MOVE TO LA.
MAYBE THE REASON I CAN’T FIND HER ANYWHERE. IS ‘CAUSE SHE’S WAITING FOR ME TO MOVE OUT THERE.
WAVERLY
Lisa, no.
THIS WAS THE DREAM WE HAD IN COLLEGE; TALKING,
PLANNING, IN A BAR.
YOU AND I WOULD BOTH ACKNOWLEDGE, ‘CAUSE WE EACH HAD EACH OTHER, WE BOTH GOT THIS FAR.
YOU THINK YOU NEED TO LEAVE TO GROW. BUT, I’M BEGGING YOU, DON’T GO.
I WANT IT ALL TO STAY UNDECIDED.
I WANT IT ALL TO STAY UNREALIZED.
ALL I WANT IS FOR IT ALL TO STAY THIS WAY. YOU.
ME. US. STAY.
LISA
Aren’t you tired of working two jobs? Take this offer and settle down.
WAVERLY
THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT STARTING AT THE START MEANT; STRIVING,
STRUGGLING, LEARNING LIFE
WITH A GUY IN A SMALL APARTMENT, WHERE YOU’RE NOT JUST HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT NOT YET HIS WIFE.
ONE DAY YOU’LL WALK DOWN THE AISLE BUT THAT DAY’S NOT FOR A WHILE.
I WANT IT ALL TO STAY TOMORROW.
I WANT IT ALL TO STAY PRETEND.
ALL I WANT IS FOR IT ALL TO STAY THIS WAY. THIS.
HERE. NOW. STAY.
LISA
Waverly, do you want to be a thirty-something with twenty-something problems? What are you afraid of?
WAVERLY
THERE’LL BE LESSONS LEFT UNLEARNED. THERE’LL BE STONES I LEAVE UNTURNED.
LISA
THERE ARE NEW DREAMS TO PURSUE. YOUR WHOLE LIFE’S IN FRONT OF YOU.
WAVERLY
I’M ALREADY CLOSING DOORS.
LISA
THE CHOICE IS HERE AND NOW AND YOURS. THE ONLY CHOICE THAT YOU’LL REGRET IS MAKING NONE AT ALL.
WAVERLY
I’M NOT THERE YET.
WAVERLY
I WANT IT ALL TO STAY BEGINNING
I WANT THIS LIFE THAT I AM LIVING TO STAY
PART OF SOME IMPOSSIBLE SCHEME.
STAY. STAY. STAY. STAY. STAY.
STAY WITH ME.
AND LET IT ALL STAY A DREAM.
LISA
I NEED A SIMPLE SYMBOL OR A SIGN TO OBEY
I WANT THIS LIFE THAT I AM LIVING TO SHOW ME THE WAY. IT’S A SIGN.
WHERE’S MINE? I WISH I WERE YOU,
‘CAUSE IT’S THE ANSWER TO A DREAM.
(Blackout)
SCENE 3: The Offices of Creative 360
(DARREN and LUKE sit directly behind each other in office chairs. LUKE wears headphones and laughs loudly to himself.)
LUKE
Hey.
DARREN
What’s up?
LUKE
I am about to change your world. Check out this website I’m on. Whatever you type, your computer will say. I just sent you the link.
(Suddenly, LUKE’S computer starts talking. You can replicate this at www2.research.att.com/~ttsweb/tts/demo.php)
LUKE’S COMPUTER
Is your mind blown?
DARREN’S COMPUTER
This is why Al Gore invented the internet.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
And this is how we shall speak for the rest of the day. The name’s Luke. I’m in sales.
DARREN’S COMPUTER
Darren. I’m a temp.
(THEY turn and shake hands.)
DARREN’S COMPUTER
What are you doing tonight?
LUKE’S COMPUTER
I am going to find me a lady. And then much like Gene Kelly. I will tap that.
DARREN’S COMPUTER
Much like a brewmaster appeasing the thirsty masses. Tap that.
DARREN
Not my best. I’m just starting.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
Much like a raven on a midnight dreary at my chamber door, I will rap tap tap that.
DARREN
Poe. Nice.
DARREN’S COMPUTER
Much like small portions of Spanish food. Tapas that.
DARREN
Tapas that. It’s…Catalonian…never mind.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
Much like the government intervention program created to derail the financial crisis in October of two thousand and eight. TARP that.
DARREN’S COMPUTER
And with that, I tap out.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
You want to come?
DARREN’S COMPUTER
I’m meeting up with my girlfriend. She’s having a quarter-life crisis.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
She wants to get engaged.
DARREN’S COMPUTER
No, she doesn’t.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
Trust me, she does. No matter what they say, all women that age want to get engaged.
DARREN’S COMPUTER
She won’t be getting engaged tonight. I’m just going to see how she’s doing and then I’m heading home to work on my play.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
You’re a writer? My dad’s an agent.
DARREN
What?
LUKE’S COMPUTER
You’re a writer? My dad’s an agent.
DARREN
What kind of an agent?
LUKE’S COMPUTER
We agreed to only talk through the computer for the rest of the day. (DARREN quickly returns to typing.)
DARREN’S COMPUTER
What kind of an agent?
LUKE’S COMPUTER
Mostly theatre stuff. Want to meet him?
DARREN
Yes. Of course, I do. Yes.
(LUKE shoots DARREN a look.)
DARREN’S COMPUTER
Yes, of course I do. Yes.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
Give me something for him to read.
DARREN
I…
DARREN’S COMPUTER
I will. Thanks.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
So now will you come out and grab a drink with me?
DARREN’S COMPUTER
I still have to go see my girlfriend.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
Lame.
DARREN’S COMPUTER
And then—skippity skappity, rippity rappity, bippity boppity, tippity tap tap tap that.
(LUKE shoots DARREN a look in anger. He knows he’s been bested. He bows to the master and doffs his imaginary hat. DARREN returns the gesture.)
(Fade to black.)
SCENE 4: The Sullivan Street Tavern
(WAVERLY stands behind the bar flipping a quarter on her thumb—but never lets it land. LUKE enters.)
LUKE
Hey, how’s my girl?
WAVERLY
Still not your girl.
LUKE
I’ll have a vodka soda.
(WAVERLY makes a vodka soda. LUKE sits and pulls out a cigarette.)
WAVERLY
Luke, no smoking in here.
LUKE
Just one.
WAVERLY
I’ll get fined.
LUKE
C’mon, let me smoke it.
WAVERLY
No.
LUKE
Let me puff it.
WAVERLY
No.
LUKE
Let me pull it.
WAVERLY
How about you suck it?
LUKE
When are you going to give me a chance, Waverly?
WAVERLY
I have a boyfriend, Luke.
LUKE
Where is he?
WAVERLY
He was supposed to be here an hour ago.
LUKE
I work in sales and that sounds like an opening.
WAVERLY
It’s not.
LUKE
Just let me make the pitch.
#4 - Morning After Omelet (LUKE)
WAVERLY
Isn’t there a saying in business, “If you can’t seal the deal, don’t bother pitching.”?
LUKE
Yes, there is. And yet, here we go.
EVERY TIME A WOMAN STAYS THE NIGHT, SHE’S HAPPY, AND I DON’T WONDER WHY. I TREAT HER WELL,
BUT I DON’T KISS AND TELL
HELL, I’M JUST THAT KIND OF GUY.
SHE SLEEPS IN. BUT I GET UP TO START THE DAY AND MAKE HER BREAKFAST IN BED.
SHE SMILES AS SHE WAKES UP AND IS FED MY MORNING AFTER OMELET.
WAVERLY
You sound like quite the gentleman.
(WAVERLY pours herself a beer.)
LUKE
MMMMM.
I TAKE MY TIME. NO NEED TO RUSH OR RUIN IT WITH HASTE.
WITH THE TENDER TWIST
OF MY WELL SEASONED WRIST I TAILOR BREAKFAST TO HER TASTE. I MIX THE EGGS WITH A TOUCH OF MILK,
SOME HAND SELECTED HERBS AND A SUBTLE SPLASH OF CREAM AND WITH EVERY ONE I’M CLOSER TO MY DREAM,
THE PERFECT MORNING AFTER OMELET. FOR PAM I ADDED HAM.
FOR LOUISE I ADDED CHEESE. ANIKA, PAPRIKA.
SHE BARELY USED A FORK. FOR ELLA, BABY BELLA.
AND FOR PEPPER, WELL, PEPPER. AND YOU CAN BET I USED POTATOES FOR MISS MALLORY O’ROURKE.
NOW I’VE GOT IT TO A SCIENCE, BUT I WONDER ABOUT ALL THE EGGS AND SEX,
THOUGH IT’S BEEN A THRILL WOULD IT BE BETTER STILL
IF IT WERE SLIGHTLY LESS COMPLEX? IN TRYING TO FIND THE ONE,
I’VE LET SO MANY WOMEN WALK OUT THE DOOR. NOW I HAVE THE PERFECT MORNING AFTER OMELET, BUT NO ONE TO MAKE THAT PERFECT OMELET FOR. MY MORNING AFTER OMELET.
MMMMMM, OMELET.
WAVERLY
Not tonight.
LUKE
You’re telling me that didn’t sound wonderful?
WAVERLY
Oddly, it did. But I gotta go.
LUKE
I’ll be here when you change your mind.
(LISA enters.)
LISA
You are relieved m’lady.
(WAVERLY tosses her a bar towel.)
WAVERLY
Thanks. I’m opening tomorrow, so don’t leave a mess.
LISA
Never.
LUKE
What about you? Wanna hear my pitch?
LISA
It’d have to be a damn good picth.
LUKE
It is.
LISA
And you’d have to be a lesbian.
LUKE
I’m not. But for you I’d do some things.
WAVERLY
Good night, you two.
LISA
Good night.
(WAVERLY walks out into the night and wanders home through the streets of New York.)
SCENE 5: Darren and Waverly’s Apartment
(DARREN sits at the dinner table, writing. WAVERLY enters with a pizza box.)
WAVERLY
I’m home.
DARREN
(without looking up)
Hey.
WAVERLY
I got dinner.
(SHE drops it on the table in front of him.)
DARREN
Thanks.
(WAVERLY exits into the bedroom to change shirts. DARREN
absentmindedly takes a piece of pizza out of the box and begins eating it. WAVERLY reenters and stands behind Darren with her arms folded. HE doesn’t notice her.)
WAVERLY
Hey.
DARREN
Hey.
WAVERLY
Do you want to ask me how the rest of my day went?
DARREN
How the rest of my day went?
WAVERLY
Terribly.
DARREN
That’s good.
WAVERLY
No, it’s not good.
DARREN
No. It’s not good.
WAVERLY
Can you listen to me for one second?
DARREN
Give me two minutes.
WAVERLY
No. Now.
(DARREN snaps out of it. HE turns towards her.)
WAVERLY
You said you were coming by after work.
DARREN
This writing thing came up. Turns out a co-worker’s father’s an agent. So I rushed home to finish that play I’ve been working on. Exciting, huh?
WAVERLY
You could’ve called.
DARREN
I’m sorry, I got distracted. Let’s go out tomorrow.
WAVERLY
I don’t want to go out tomorrow.
DARREN
What’s wrong?
WAVERLY
I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I’m taking a full-time job, my best friend’s leaving and you don’t even look at me when I come in the door. We’re turning into my parents and we’re not even thirty—that’s what’s wrong.
DARREN
I was in the middle of writing something.
WAVERLY
You’re always in the middle of writing something. Do you ever focus on anything else?
DARREN
My job. And the other one hundred things I have to do before I can sit down and pursue what I want.
WAVERLY
Which isn’t me.
DARREN
Of course it is.
WAVERLY
After everything else.
DARREN
Along with everything else.
WAVERLY
I don’t want to be the thing you want along with everything else—like all of your life is a series of side dishes. I want to be your main course. I want to be your omelet.
DARREN
What are you talking about?
WAVERLY
I moved here to be an actress. And next thing you know, I’m stuck with this job I was never meant to take, living this life I was never supposed to live and I can’t move back home to my friends and family because of you!
DARREN
You don’t have to take that job.
WAVERLY
Maybe I want to! But I know that it would mean closing the doors on a few things. Which is scary. And the fact that you don’t understand that is even scarier.
(WAVERLY starts to leave.)
DARREN
Waverly, stop.
WAVERLY
What.
DARREN
I know what this is about.
WAVERLY
You do.
DARREN
You’re confused because you’re twenty-eight and your life’s uncertain. So let’s get rid of some of the uncertainty. Waverly…
(getting on one knee)
…will you marry me?
WAVERLY
I…Darren…are you completely insane?
DARREN
No?
WAVERLY
I’m afraid we’re turning into my parents and your solution is to get engaged? I don’t want to get engaged right now.
DARREN
That’s not what I was told.
WAVERLY
We’re not ready!
DARREN
We’re more grown up than you think.
WAVERLY
I’m not.
DARREN
I am.
WAVERLY
No you’re not. I’m tired of everyone thinking we’re done with this part of our lives. In fact, I think I need a break.
DARREN
Then go to bed and we’ll talk in the morning.
WAVERLY
No, a break. From this. I’m sorry. I’ll stay at Lisa’s tonight.
DARREN
What more do you need from me?
#5 - As Good As I Get (DARREN)
WAVERLY
I need you to understand that I’m not ready to move on. We have a long way to go and you’ve stopped trying.
(WAVERLY goes to leave.)
DARREN
YOU SAY TO TRY. YOU SAY TO WORK. YOU SAY YOU’RE SURE I COULD BE MORE
THAN THIS ADOLESCENT JERK.
AND I SAY, “LOOK, I’VE BEEN TRYING EVER SINCE THE DAY WE MET.
BUT, THIS ADOLESCENT JERK MIGHT BE AS GOOD AS I GET.”
WAVERLY
I don’t buy it, Darren. You’re the one who wants to get married and you’re giving up before we’ve even started.
DARREN
I’VE LET YOU DOWN. IT’S WHAT I DO. I MUST ADMIT
I’VE PULLED SOME SHIT
THAT I REGRET A TIME OR TWO. BUT I MAY NOT GET MUCH BETTER, AND SINCE I’M NOT THERE YET, A MAN WHO LETS YOU DOWN MIGHT BE AS GOOD AS I GET. I’M NOT SAYING I’M NOT TRYING. I’M NOT SAYING I WON’T TRY.
BUT IF YOU WANT EXTRAORDINARY I’M GONNA COME UP SHY.
I WISH I COULD BE BETTER
BUT I’M JUST AN ORDINARY GUY, WHO LOVES YOU A LOT.
AND MAYBE THAT’S ALL I GOT. IT’S NOT IDEAL.
AT LEAST IT’S TRUE.
PERHAPS YOUR MAN DOES WHAT HE CAN AND COMES UP SHORT BUT STILL LOVES YOU. YOU SAY TO LEAVE. I’M GOOD AS GONE.
I’D RATHER BE UP FRONT NOW THAN LET YOU DOWN LATER ON.
AND YOU MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE A GAMBLE ‘CAUSE I’M NOT A SURE BET.
AND THERE’S AN EXTRAORDINARY CHANCE THAT THIS ORDINARY MAN
WHO LOVES YOU
MIGHT BE AS GOOD AS I GET.
WAVERLY
I’m sorry.
DARREN
IT’S AS GOOD AS I GET.
(WAVERLY walks out the door and again finds herself on the streets of New York.)
#5A - Stay Reprise (WAVERLY)
WAVERLY
I WANT IT ALL TO STAY IMAGINED.
I WANT IT ALL TO STAY NOT YET.
ALL I WANT IS FOR IT ALL TO STAY THIS WAY. YOUNG. FREE. ME. STAY. (Blackout)
SCENE 6: The Offices of Creative 360 into Sullivan Street Tavern
(Six weeks later. DARREN and LUKE sit back to back again.)
LUKE
Temp! Just got an email from my dad. He really likes the script, a lot.
DARREN
(Reluctantly)
That’s great. Really great news.
LUKE
He’s heading out of town for a few weeks, but he wants to meet you when he gets back.
DARREN
(Distractedly)
Definitely. Any time. Just let me know.
LUKE
Temp, how long ago did your girl leave you?
DARREN
She didn’t leave me. We mutually decided to pursue different opportunities.
LUKE
After you proposed to her and she said no. How long?
DARREN
Six weeks.
LUKE
Six weeks? Then you should already be over her for like…six weeks.
DARREN
We were together for four years, Luke.
LUKE
I have a plan.
DARREN
What’s that?
LUKE’S COMPUTER
You and I will go to my favorite bar. And much like a nail, get hammered.
DARYN’S COMPUTER
Much like a bust of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Get plastered.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
Much like literary references on my college girlfriend. Get wasted.
DARYN’S COMPUTER
Much like the offensive line of the Detroit Lions, get embarrassingly blitzed.
LUKE’S COMPUTER
We’re gonna blackout so hard, we’ll erase other people’s memories.
#6 - We’re Gonna Go Out (ENSEMBLE)
LUKE
WE’RE GONNA GO OUT. WE’RE GONNA GET DOWN,
AND BUY WHATEVER DRUGS THEY SELL US. WE’RE GONNA PAINT THE TOWN SO RED THAT EVEN CLIFFORD WOULD BE JEALOUS. IT’S A PARTY. IT’S A BENDER.
CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT. GRAB MY KEYS AND GRAB MY WALLET. WE’RE GONNA GO OUT.
(On the other side of the stage we see WAVERLY and LISA getting ready to go out.)
WAVERLY
I’M GONNA GO OUT. CALL UP MY GIRL,
AND WE’LL BLOW THROUGH LAST WEEK’S WAGES.
LISA
WE’RE GONNA TEAR RIGHT THROUGH THIS CITY LIKE COUGARS SPRUNG FROM CAGES.
WAVERLY
YOUNGIN’S NEED NOT APPLY.
‘CAUSE WE DON’T NEED NO BEGINNER. WE’LL JUST CHEW YOU UP FOR DINNER.
LISA AND WAVERLY
WE’RE GONNA GO OUT.
ENSEMBLE
HEY, DIVE BAR. HERE WE ARE.
THE CALL OF YOUR SONG IS MUCH TOO STRONG. THAT PUNGENT AND RARE PUTRID TASTE IN THE AIR
REMINDS US WHERE WE BELONG.
(We find LUKE and DARREN as they walk in the bar.)
DARREN
Woah, woah, woah. We can’t go here. My ex is always here.
LUKE
All the better. She should see you getting some action.
DARREN
I have to go. I say really stupid shit when I’m nervous.
LUKE
Relax. You say really stupid shit when you’re not nervous too.
DARREN
I’m outta here.
LUKE
Look around the bar. Is she here tonight?
DARREN
No.
LUKE
Just chill out and look at the ladies with me.
DARREN
If I see her, I’m running for it.
LUKE
Great. So, who you like?
DARREN
What?
LUKE
Who you like? The women. Who you like?
DARREN
I don’t know, she’s cute.
LUKE
Don’t point at them. You’re not picking out a lobster.
DARREN
I’m also not picking out a girlfriend.
LUKE
Correct. You’re here to get a girl, so that you can get a girlfriend.
DARREN
You’re an idiot. What does that even mean?
LUKE
Call me an idiot and you’ll never find out.
DARREN
I think I’m just fine without you.
LUKE
You’re a disaster.
DARREN
I could pick up any girl here.
LUKE Which one? DARREN Any one. LUKE Which. One?
#7 - The Way to Get A Girl (DARREN and LUKE)
DARREN
SEE THAT GIRL? OVER THERE? IN THE RED
WITH THE BLEACH BLONDE HAIR? TOP IS ROUND.
MIDDLE’S THIN.
RIDICULOUS LEGS THAT GO UP TO HER CHIN.
LUKE
Yeah?
DARREN
SHE WANTS ME.
LUKE
What?
DARREN
SHE NEEDS ME.
LUKE
Her?
DARREN
SHE’S JUST REALLY SHY. SHE JUST GAVE ME A WINK.
LUKE
HER CONTACT FELL FROM HER EYE.
DARREN
SHE’S GOT A SENSATION ONLY I CAN ITCH. SHE’S ACHING FOR LOVE MAKIN’ FROM ME.
LUKE
Prove it…bitch.
DARREN
EXCUSE ME. HI. CAN I BUTT IN? I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW,
THAT YOU HAVE…LEGS TO YOUR CHIN. NO? OK. THE FAULT’S ALL MINE.
SORRY. YEP. RIGHT THEN. FINE.
LUKE
How’d it go?
DARREN
We mutually decided to pursue different opportunities.
LUKE
You’re the idiot. There’s only one thing women want. It’s like lady catnip. Watch.
EXCUSE ME. I’M SORRY,
BUT YOU DROPPED YOUR GLOVE. HITTING ON YOU?
NO, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, WHOM I LOVE.
Your number? In case it doesn’t work out? Thank you, you’re very sweet. THE WAY TO GET A GIRL
IS TO GET A GIRL.
WHEN YOU’RE TAKEN THEY ALL FLOCK BY THE SCORE. BUT THEN TAKE IT FROM ME
THE SECOND THAT YOU’RE FREE
THE GIRLS YOU THOUGHT WOULD WANT YOU DON’T WANT YOU ANY MORE.
IT’S A GUARANTEED GET, GRAB A GIRL AND YOU’RE SET.
THEY KNOW. THEY KNOW. THEY KNOW.
DARREN
But, you don’t have a girlfriend.
LUKE
I have lots of girlfriends.
DARREN
If you have more than one, they’re not your girlfriend.
LUKE
Why? ‘Cause I haven’t pinned them? Listen, Pat Boone, things have changed since the Eisenhower administration!
DARREN
I’m not Pat Boone. Watch this.
HEY. OKAY. I’M SORRY. VERY.
GOT IT. THAT HAND GESTURE’S UNNECESSARY. HI. RIGHT. OKAY. YOU BET.
I UNDERSTOOD YOU LOUD AND CLEAR BEFORE THE DEATH THREAT.
BACK TO THE BAR
‘CAUSE I LIKE BEING ALIVE.
LUKE
WHILE YOU WERE GONE I GOT FOUR NUMBERS…OH, FIVE.
I KNOW IT SEEMS SHALLOW. I KNOW IT SEEMS SLEAZY. BUT I SWEAR I WOULDN’T DO IT IF IT WEREN’T SO EASY.
DARREN AND LUKE
THE WAY TO GET A GIRL IS TO GET A GIRL.
LUKE
IF YOU’RE SPOKEN FOR THEY’LL LINE ‘ROUND THE BLOCK. OH YES, SOMEHOW THEY KNOW
WHEN YOU’RE SOMEBODY’S BEAU. THAT’S WHEN THEY’LL GO TO YOU, SURE AS TICK GOES WITH TOCK. ALTHOUGH IT SOUNDS CRUEL, IT’S A PROVABLE RULE.
I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.
DARREN AND LUKE
THE WAY TO GET A GIRL IS TO GET A GIRL.
DARREN
WHEN YOU’RE CALLED FOR THAT’S WHEN THEY START TO CALL.
LUKE
AND YOU’VE GOT TO APPLAUD THIS SICK TRICK PLAYED BY GOD I’D SAY THAT IT’S PROOF
THAT GOD’S A WOMAN AFTER ALL. IT’S A FULL ON ASSAULT
DARREN
AND YET SOMEHOW OUR FAULT.
DARREN AND LUKE
WE KNOW. WE KNOW. WE KNOW. THE WAY TO GET A GIRL…
THE WAY TO GET A GIRL…
THE WAY TO GET A GIRL IS TO GET A GIRL. WE KNOW!
WE KNOW!
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH.
(LUKE and DARREN head deep into the bar to try out this theory. Meanwhile, LISA and WAVERLY sit at a table in the bar with a nearly empty pitcher and a basket of popcorn between them. WAVERLY tosses popcorn into LISA’S mouth.)
LISA
Ready. Aim. Fire.
(WAVERLY throws the popcorn but LISA misses.)
WAVERLY
That was a perfect shot!
LISA
A lemon drop is a perfect shot. That was a disaster. So how are you doing?
WAVERLY
I’m half way through the three-month evaluation period.
LISA
And?
WAVERLY
And I can’t believe how much I really like this job.
LISA
Life’s funny. So you don’t miss auditioning?
WAVERLY
To be honest, I haven’t auditioned in six months.
LISA
Then why were you afraid to give up something you weren’t even doing?
WAVERLY
Because I’m a good actress.
LISA
So are you gonna take it full-time?
WAVERLY
I wouldn’t go that far—liking it, and trading in my dreams for it, are two different things.
LISA
And how are you doing with the Darren situation?
WAVERLY
I’m okay.
LISA
You sure?
WAVERLY
It was the right thing to do, but when I have a good day at this new job, he’s the first one I wanna tell, you know? Ready. Aim. Fire.
(Another shot. Another miss.)
WAVERLY
And how about you? You see your sign yet?
LISA
This morning.
WAVERLY
Lisa, you can’t move to L.A. It’s home to earthquakes. And mudslides. And Entertainment Tonight.
LISA
I love Entertainment Tonight.
WAVERLY
I know, me too. So tell me about this dream girl.
#8 - Manhattan Bridge (LISA)
LISA
It’s not a dream girl.
WAVERLY
Then it’s not your sign.
LISA
Like I said, life’s funny.
I CAN STILL REMEMBER
THAT COOL DAY IN SEPTEMBER MY FIRST TRIP ON THE SUBWAY ACROSS THE MANHATTAN BRIDGE. I LOOKED OUTSIDE,
I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES. THEN I LOOKED AROUND,
AND MUCH TO MY SURPRISE,
NO ONE ELSE WAS LOOKING AT THE BRIDGE,
THE STATUE, THE SKY.
NO ONE ELSE WAS LOOKING, AND I COULD NOT IMAGINE WHY.
WAVERLY
It happens, Lisa. You get used to things like that here.
LISA
I SAT AND STARED UNBLINKING THEN GOT AROUND TO THINKING
THAT THESE PEOPLE JUST DON’T RECOGNIZE THE VIEW THEY MISS EACH DAY.
SO I TOOK IT IN
THEN I TOOK IT IN AGAIN. IT MADE ME SMILE.
I MADE A PROMISE THEN.
THAT THE DAY THAT I STOPPED LOOKING AT THE WAY
IT ALL SEEMS TO GLOW,
THE DAY THAT I STOPPED LOOKING, WAS THE DAY THAT I SHOULD GO. SO EVERY DAY FROM THAT DAY ON I TOOK THE TIME TO STOP AND LOOK. I’D WAKE MYSELF UP FROM A NAP.
OR TAKE A SHORT BREAK FROM MY BOOK. BUT TODAY ON THE SUBWAY,
AFTER FIGHTING FOR MY SEAT. I STARTED READING AT DEKALB.
AND DIDN’T LOOK UP ‘TIL CANAL STREET. I BLINKED TO CLEAR MY VISION,
THOUGHT BACK ON MY DECISION TO UP AND LEAVE THE CITY THE DAY I MISSED THE VIEW. IT’S HARDER NOW
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN. DID THE CITY BREAK ME DOWN
OR SIMPLY BREAK ME IN?
TODAY’S WHEN I STOPPED LOOKING AT THIS PLACE
LIKE IT WAS
ALL NEW.
TODAY’S THE DAY THAT I STOPPED LOOKING. SO NOW WHAT DO I DO?
DO I STAY OR DO I LEAVE
AND CHANGE UP THE VIEW?
WAVERLY
You stay. She hasn’t arrived, so you stay.
LISA
Maybe I don’t need someone to whisk me away. Maybe, if I want to go to California to pursue my music, I can just go.
WAVERLY
So why haven’t you?
LISA
Because I’d really enjoy a good whisking.
WAVERLY
I need more beer. You want another pitcher?
LISA
Please.
(WAVERLY gets up and heads to the bar, where she awkwardly runs into DARREN.)
#9 - How About You? (DARREN and WAVERLY)
DARREN
Hey.
WAVERLY
What are you doing here?
DARREN
Beer. Amaretto sour?
WAVERLY
No, thank you.
DARREN
Okay.
WAVERLY
So, how’ve you been?
DARREN
Fine. I mean,
I’M STILL LOOKING FOR JOBS, NOT JUST ANY.
OR ELSE I’D GET ONE RIGHT AWAY. AND NOT ONLY ONE,
I’D GET MANY.
I’D BE HOLDING EMPLOYERS AT BAY. BUT I NEED A GOOD JOB
WHERE THEY THINK IT’S OKAY, THAT I MIGHT TAKE SOME TIME OFF TO WORK ON MY PLAY.
AND THAT PITCH TO A JOB, CAN BE A REALLY HARD SELL. MY PLAY TAKES UP MY TIME, WHICH YOU KNOW VERY WELL.
IT CAN BE HARD TO MAKE PRIORITIES FIT.
IF YOU RECALL THAT WAS THE REASON WE SPLIT. OR WHY YOU LEFT ME REALLY.
LET’S NOT GET ALL TOUCHY-FEELY.
LOOK WHERE THIS CONVERSATION VEERED. LET’S NOT DISCUSS OUR OLD RELATIONSHIP ‘CAUSE THAT MIGHT GET WEIRD.
ANYWAY, ANYWAY, ANYWAY. HOW ABOUT YOU?
WAVERLY
Good. Glad to hear it’s going well for you.
DARREN
You seeing anyone?
WAVERLY
It’s only been a few weeks.
DARREN
‘CAUSE I’M SEEING SOMEONE. WELL, NOT SEEING.
JUST SLEEPING WITH HER A LOT.
AND TO BE HONEST I FIND IT QUITE FREEING. I GET THE MILK AND THE COW IS NOT BOUGHT. AND SHE CAN’T GET ENOUGH,
SHE JUST CLIMBS RIGHT ON TOP. AND FROM MORNING TO NIGHT WE’RE JUST FUCKING NON-STOP. AND I COULD USE A BREAK,
‘CAUSE ALL THAT SEX IS ENOUGH, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS, ‘CAUSE I’M INTO THAT STUFF.
BUT SHE’D RATHER GET ME NAKED INSTEAD. AND JUST REMIND ME, I’M AMAZING IN BED. AND THAT I MAKE HER DELIRIOUS.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE’RE NOT SERIOUS. WE HAVEN’T SAID OUR, “I DO”S.
WE CAN STILL SEE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE AN EX IF WE CHOOSE.
ANYWAY, ANYWAY, ANYWAY. HOW ABOUT YOU?
WAVERLY
I’M STILL WORKING. HAVEN’T QUIT. I’M STILL SINGLE. AND THAT’S IT.
DARREN
SO, IT’S AWESOME
WE HAD THIS BRIEF MEETING.
REMINDS ME OF THE FUN THAT WE HAD. AND ALTHOUGH
IT HAS BEEN A BIT FLEETING. BEING WITH YOU’S NEVER BAD. I’M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT THERE DOWN THE HALL. IF YOU REMEMBER
WE HAD OUR FIRST KISS IN THAT STALL.
AND A STALL’S A WEIRD PLACE TO BE KISSED. BUT SOMETHING CLICKED
AND WE COULDN’T RESIST.
SO I’LL BE IN THE ONE TOWARDS THE BACK. AND I’LL LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN A CRACK. NOT TO BE WEIRD, BUT JUST STATING, THAT THAT IS WHERE I WILL BE WAITING. SO YOU DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.
IF NOT TONIGHT, THEN NOT TONIGHT, BUT I’LL BE WAITNG…
ANYWAY, ANYWAY, ANYWAY. HOW ABOUT YOU?
(DARREN exits to the men’s room.) (LUKE approaches WAVERLY.)
LUKE
So, did that guy make you a better offer than I did?
WAVERLY
Hardly.
LUKE
You still have that boyfriend?
WAVERLY
Not anymore.
LUKE
Can I buy you a drink?
WAVERLY
Let me ask you a question. If you could choose one thing to eat for the rest of your life— peanuts or pretzels—which would it be?
LUKE
Why do I have to choose only one?
WAVERLY
Right answer. Let’s go.
(WAVERLY begins to drag LUKE out of the bar. As THEY head out she swings by LISA.)
WAVERLY
I’m gonna go home with this guy.
LISA
Right on.
WAVERLY
If you see Darren, make sure he knows that.
LISA
I don’t know…
(WAVERLY and LUKE are gone.)
…I’ll do what I can.
(DARREN returns from the bathroom.)
DARREN
Waverly, that stall was busy, so I’ll be in the…
(DARREN runs into LISA as she heads to the bar to serve herself drinks.)
DARREN
Oh, hey. How are you doin’?
LISA
Good.
DARREN
Did you see where Waverly went?
LISA Waverly? DARREN Waverly. LISA Waverly… DARREN
Blonde girl. About yay high. Currently experiencing an existential crisis.
LISA
Darren…she left.
DARREN
Alone?
LISA
I don’t think so.
DARREN
Right.
LISA
You want a drink?
DARREN
What’s the strongest thing you got?
LISA
I’ve got something that will put some hair on your chest. Finally.
(LISA pours DARREN a whiskey.)
DARREN
How’s she doing?
LISA
She’s okay.
DARREN
So this guy, is he a, you know…should I call her?
LISA
I’d let her figure this out. If she comes back, you know it’s for real. And if she doesn’t, then it’s probably a sign.
DARREN
What if there are no signs? What if we don’t go after what we want and hold on to what we love, then we end up despondent, defeated and alone?
LISA
Then, I’m fucked.
DARREN
Okay, here’s the drinking game. Every time you regret something, you take a shot.
LISA
How’s whiskey?
(LISA pours two shots of whiskey.)
DARREN
I’ll start. Not reading Catcher In the Rye in high school.
(DARREN slams his shot of whiskey.)
LISA
Quitting piano lessons.
(LISA slams her shot and pours two more.)
DARREN
Second semester, sophomore year of college.
LISA
What about it?
DARREN
The parts I don’t remember.
(DARREN slams his shot.)
LISA
Waiting until I was twenty-four to come out of the closet.
(LISA slams her shot and pours two more.)
DARREN
Not telling Waverly I loved her more often.
(DARREN slams his shot.)
LISA
Oh, shit just got real. So life’s just a bunch of regrets, huh?
DARREN
At least having regrets means you chose something.
LISA
Gives you something to drink over.
(LISA fills up Darren’s glass.)
DARREN
Lisa, do you ever wonder what would have happened if we stayed together?
LISA
A lot.
DARREN
Me too.
LISA
It’s my recurring nightmare.
DARREN
It wouldn’t have been that bad.
LISA
I’m a lesbian!
DARREN
I’m understanding!
LISA
All right, I have one more.
DARREN
Shoot.
LISA
Playing this game with you.
DARREN
It’s gonna be a long night.
LISA
That it is, my friend. That it is.
(They cheers and shoot.) (Blackout.)
SCENE 7: Outside Waverly’s Apartment
(LUKE and WAVERLY come up the stairs laughing and enjoying each other. Both are out of breath.)
LUKE
Hold on, I need a break. If I had known you lived on the fifth floor, I would’ve gone home with someone else.
(LUKE pulls out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth.)
WAVERLY
Let’s go inside.
LUKE
It’s only eleven o’clock. Don’t you want to stay out a little longer?
WAVERLY
Have you not done this before?
LUKE
Not this quickly.
WAVERLY
When I know what I want, I go for it.
(Just as LUKE is lighting the cigarette, she pulls it out of his hands and crushes it.)
WAVERLY
So, do you want to stand out here and talk about our feelings? Or do you want to head inside?
LUKE
I want to head inside, but you’re sorta weirding me out. Usually, I’m trying to get the girl to go home with me, and she wants to find out who I am and how I tick.
WAVERLY
Now you can skip that.
#10 - Don’t Say Another Word (WAVERLY)
LUKE
Don’t you want to know anything about me?
WAVERLY
Nothing.
LUKE
Not one little thing?
WAVERLY
I’m upset I even know your name. Let’s go.
LUKE
You’re a very confusing woman. And I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on women, but this is unlike anything…
WAVERLY
YOU’VE GOT THAT QUIRKY SMILE. YOU’VE GOT THAT CHARMING STARE. YOU’VE GOT THAT WAY YOU TALK SAYS YOU COULD BE FROM ANYWHERE. NO, I DON’T KNOW
EXACTLY WHERE YOU’VE BEEN. I DON’T KNOW ANY DETAILS, SO I’M FILLING THEM ALL IN. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T RUIN THE SURPRISE.
I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE SECRETS THAT ARE LYING IN YOUR EYES.
I DON’T NEED TO SEE THE ANSWERS. I PREFER MY VISION BLURRED. DON’T MOVE.
DON’T SPEAK. DON’T BREATHE.
DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
LUKE
There’s gotta be one thing you want to know about me. I ran the 600-meter dash in high school. County Champ. Beat Brad Anderson.
WAVERLY
YOU THINK I’M INSINCERE. I HAVE A GUARDED HEART.
YOU THINK THE THINGS YOU WANT
BUT JUST DON’T RUSH THE GREATEST PART. AND, I KNOW
EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
BUT SOMETIMES WHAT YOU IMAGINE
CAN BE BETTER THAN WHAT’S REAL. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
JUST LET ME TAKE YOU IN.
WE’LL HAVE TO FINISH SOMETIME, WE GET ONE CHANCE TO BEGIN. FIND BEAUTY IN THE SILENCE
AND ALTHOUGH IT SOUNDS ABSURD, DON’T MOVE.
DON’T SPEAK. DON’T BREATHE.
DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT HERE.
THERE’S JUST THIS MOMENT BETWEEN YOU AND ME. NO PAST.
NO FEAR. THIS CAN BE
WHAT WE WANT IT TO BE. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T WHISPER IN MY EAR.
DON’T TRY TO MAKE UP SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK I WANNA HEAR. ‘CAUSE I’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE AND I WAS HURT BY WHAT I HEARD. DON’T MOVE.
DON’T SPEAK. DON’T BREATHE.
DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T WHISPER IN MY EAR.
DON’T TRY TO MAKE UP SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK I WANNA HEAR. ‘CAUSE I’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE AND I WAS HURT BY WHAT I HEARD. DON’T MOVE.
DON’T SPEAK. DON’T BREATHE.
DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
(WAVERLY and LUKE kiss. SHE takes his hand and pulls him inside.) (Blackout)
SCENE 8: Various Locations Around New York City
#11 - We’re Gonna Go Out Reprise (DARREN)
DARREN
I’M GONNA PASS OUT. I’M GONNA TURN IN
AND CHALK THE WHOLE THING UP TO FODDER. I WOULD KILL MY OWN SWEET MOTHER
FOR A FUCKING GLASS OF WATER. CALL IT BAD. CALL IT DUMB. CALL IT WORTHY OF REGRET.
YOU CAN’T REGRET WHAT YOU FORGET. I’M GONNA PASS OUT.
#12 - Hungover (ENSEMBLE)
DARREN
I WAKE UP,
RUB THE SLEEP FROM MY EYES. LOOK AROUND,
AND THEN I REALIZE
THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM, OR EVEN HOW I GOT HERE.
LISA
I WAKE UP
AND MY LIVER’S FEELING SORE. MY SHIRT’S ON,
BUT MY PANTS ARE ON THE FLOOR. AND MY SOCKS ARE ON THE BED, BUT I STILL HAVE MY SHOES ON.
DARREN
MY HEAD THROBS. MY STOMACH TURNS.
LISA
MY LEGS ACHE.
AND MY LEFT EYE BURNS.
DARREN
THERE’S NO WAY I DID THIS DAMAGE IN JUST ONE NIGHT.
LISA
IT’S NOT FROM DRINKING TEN BEERS, BUT DRINKING STRAIGHT FOR TEN YEARS.
DARREN AND LISA
I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER. I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER FROM MY 20’S. WAVERLY I WAKE UP.
THERE’S A FIRE IN MY HEAD. RISE AND SHINE.
OH MY GOD, HE’S IN MY BED. I WOULD SNEAK OUT IF I COULD, BUT I’M IN MY OWN APARTMENT.
LUKE
I WAKE UP,
AND THE ROOM’S IN A SPIN. BETTER STILL.
I DON’T KNOW THE ROOM I’M IN, I’VE NOT SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE. HEY, IT’S A PRETTY NICE APARTMENT. SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I BOOK? WAVERY SHOULD WE KISS? LUKE SHOULD I COOK?
THIS FEELING’S TOO FAMILIAR. SOMEHOW, I’M HERE AGAIN.
WAVERLY
I FEEL BORED. I FEEL COLD.
THIS GAME IS GETTING REAL OLD.
LUKE AND WAVERLY
I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER. I’M HUNGOVER.
HUNGOVER FROM MY 20’S.
DARREN
I’M FEELING KINDA FAINT. AND MY HEADACHE KINDA GROWS. AND I’M GETTING KINDA SICK AND THAT’S THE WARNING. AND I WONDER WHICH IS WORSE,
THAT IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW,
OR THAT IT’S A TYPICAL SUNDAY MORNING? A YEAR AGO
I’D DO THIS AND FEEL FINE. NOW MY BODY’S SLOW. IS THIS A SIGN? LISA IT’S A SIGN. LUKE IT’S A SIGN. WAVERLY IT’S A SIGN. DARREN
IT’S A MISERABLE NAUSEATING SIGN.
ALL I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER. I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER FROM MY 20’S. HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER. I’M HUNGOVER. HUNGOVER FROM MY 20’S. (Blackout)
SCENE 9: The Sullivan Street Tavern
LISA
You are so terrible at this.
WAVERLY
I am not.
LISA
We could do this with darts and I wouldn’t be concerned. So how are things with Mr. No Strings Attached?
WAVERLY
Really great. Except every night he wants to stay up and tell me about himself.
LISA
Every night? How much time are you spending with him?
WAVERLY
Every night! And it’s good—he’s nothing like Darren. Doesn’t want to settle down, and we just have fun.
LISA
Then the night comes.
WAVERLY
And he tells me every detail of his life since birth.
LISA
He’s an emotional werewolf.
WAVERLY
He’s an emotional werewolf.
(LUKE enters.)
LISA
I’m going to grab something to eat. You guys want anything? Pizza? Falafel? Human flesh?
LUKE
What’s she talking about?
WAVERLY
I have no idea.
(LISA exits howling.)
LUKE
I just remembered the funniest story about this fishing trip I took with my dad when I was twelve.
WAVERLY
Oh, good.
LUKE
I’ll tell you about it tonight.
WAVERLY
Can we pause the official autobiography of Luke Phillips for a moment?
LUKE
I just find this so cleansing.
WAVERLY I’m glad. LUKE What’s wrong? WAVERLY Nothing. LUKE What’s up? WAVERLY
Today’s the day.
LUKE
The day.
WAVERLY
Yes.
LUKE
Yes. The day.
WAVERLY
What do you think?
LUKE
Hm?
WAVERLY
Should I do it or not?
LUKE
I think you should do whatever you want.
WAVERLY
But what do you think I should do?
LUKE
I think you shouldn’t do it.
WAVERLY Which one? LUKE It. WAVERLY What? LUKE The thing. WAVERLY Which thing? LUKE
The thing you were just talking about.
WAVERLY
You have no idea what I’m asking you, do you?
LUKE
No.
WAVERLY
Today’s the day I have to decide to accept the position at my job or not.
LUKE
Oh.
WAVERLY
They offered it to me. Full time.
LUKE
So what do you want?
WAVERLY
I have no idea.
LUKE
You know what I do when I have a tough decision?
WAVERLY What? LUKE Flip a coin. WAVERLY Really? LUKE
Sure. Life’s random anyway, might as well be a partner to the whole thing.
(Silence.)
LUKE
What?
WAVERLY
I thought you meant something else. I’m going to go get more pineapple juice.
LUKE
Call Lisa, she’ll get it.
WAVERLY
That’s okay. I’ll be right back.
LUKE
Waverly.
WAVERLY
Yeah.
LUKE
Did you notice something different about me?
WAVERLY New shirt? LUKE I quit smoking. WAVERLY What? LUKE
I quit smoking. Mostly.
WAVERLY
Why?
LUKE
The other day, you said, “I could never seriously date someone who smoked.”
WAVERLY
And?
LUKE
And, so I quit smoking.
WAVERLY
Mostly.
LUKE
Mostly.
WAVERLY
And you think that means we’re going to start seriously dating?
LUKE
No, no, no. I just wanted you to know I quit.
WAVERLY
You know I don’t want a serious relationship right now, Luke.
LUKE
But if you wanted to start seriously, one day, it wouldn’t be a thing for us.
WAVERLY
For us?
LUKE
Smoking’s a thing you do when you’re young—like a lot of the other things I did when I was young—and maybe it’s time to be less young, you know. For us.
WAVERLY
Don’t quit for me. And if you ever want to be “us” it’s gonna have to be a lot more than “mostly”.
LUKE
I’m workin’ on it.
WAVERLY
Keep workin’. I’ll be right back.
(WAVERLY heads out. LUKE pulls out a pack of cigarettes, places them on the bar and stares at them.)
#13 - And I Breathe (LUKE)
LUKE
SO, I PROMISED HER I’D QUIT, YEAH, THIS TIME FOR REAL.
SHE DIDN’T MAKE ME. I JUST OFFERED. HEY, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.
SO THAT’S IT. I’M DONE. NO TURNING BACK. BUT I REALLY SHOULD FINISH UP THIS PACK. I COULD QUIT IF I WANT.
THAT’S WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT. SO TAKE THE CELLOPHANE OFF AND PULL THAT CIGARETTE OUT. AND I BREATHE.
AND I HOLD IT IN
‘TIL I FEEL THAT TINGLE ‘NEATH MY SKIN.
AND I HAVE TO SMOKE IT NOW BECAUSE IT’S LIT.
THEN I PUT IT OUT. I’M DONE.
I’M GOOD. I QUIT.
SO, I DON’T SMOKE FOR A WHILE. YEAH, THAT’S GOOD FOR ME.
THEN I START TO BITE MY NAILS AND LIGHTLY BOUNCE MY KNEE. I MEAN, I SMOKED FOR TEN
WHOLE YEARS BEFORE. WOULD IT KILL ME
TO HAVE ONLY JUST ONE MORE? SO I’LL HAVE ANOTHER
THEN I SWEAR THAT’S IT. I GET MY CIGARETTE OUT AND MY LIGHTER LIT. AND I BREATHE.
AND MY VISION CLEARS. AND THAT ITCH INSIDE HERE DISAPPEARS.
AND I HAVE TO SMOKE IT ALL, IT’S MY LAST ONE.
THEN I PUT IT OUT. I QUIT.
I’M GOOD. I’M DONE.
I’M GONNA QUIT. THAT’S FOR SURE. I’M GONNA QUIT BECAUSE OF HER. I’M GONNA QUIT. IT WON’T BE HARD.
I’LL THROW THIS PACK OUT IN THE YARD… RIGHT AFTER I HAVE ANOTHER.
AND MAYBE ONE MORE ON SECOND THOUGHT. OH, MAN,
I’M GONNA MISS THIS A LOT. AND HOW DARE SHE CLAIM IT’S NOT HER I’M QUITTING FOR? IT’S FOR US.
HOW CAN THAT BE? IT’S FOR US?
WELL, IT’S NOT FOR ME. SO, I’LL HAVE ONE MORE. JUST ONE MORE.
BUT ONE MORE IS ONE MORE AND ONE MORE
AND MORE AND MORE
AND MORE AND MORE. SO, I’VE GOTTA LET ‘EM GO.
MAN, I’LL REALLY MISS YOU GUYS. BUT THERE’S ONE THING THAT I KNOW I CAN’T GO HOME AND SEE THOSE EYES. WHEN SHE JUST BREATHES.
JUST A LITTLE SIGH. THAT IS ALL I NEED TO WONDER WHY I COULDN’T UP QUIT A DAY AGO.
I DIDN’T THINK I’D STILL BE SMOKING WHEN I WAS TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD. BUT IT’S AMAZING HOW THESE
TINY LITTLE BASTARDS TAKE THEIR HOLD. AND WHY CAN’T MY GOD DAMN BODY JUST DO WHAT IT’S FRICKING TOLD? SO THE NEXT TIME
THAT I FEEL THE ITCH, AND MY PINKIE FINGER STARTS TO TWITCH,
AND THAT FEELING STARTS TO ROLL AT ME
LIKE A GIANT FUCKING BUS, I’LL JUST BREATHE.
NOT FOR HER. NOT FOR ME. BUT FOR US.
(WAVERLY enters with pineapple juice.)
WAVERLY
Thanks for holding down the fort.
LUKE
You got it.
(WAVERLY walks by LUKE and kisses him.)
WAVERLY
Were you smoking?
LUKE
No. Not a lot.
WAVERLY
Back to being young again. Oh, well.
LUKE
Do you even want me to quit?
WAVERLY
Of course I do.
LUKE
Then I’ll quit.
WAVERLY
But not for me.
LUKE
You know what I think?
WAVERLY
What?
LUKE
I think you’re doing this on purpose.
WAVERLY
You do.
LUKE
I’ve learned a lot in the past six weeks, and I think you made this smoking declaration because you know I’m physically addicted to it. You don’t think I’ll ever quit and if I don’t quit, you won’t have to commit to something.
WAVERLY
That’s ridiculous.
LUKE
And it’s the same with me, and whatever your old boyfriend’s name was and this new job and bartending and acting. You make up these rules and maxims to keep you from having to commit to something, because that means you don’t get to be a kid anymore and live in your perfect bubble of infinite possibilities.
WAVERLY
That was very insightful, Luke.
LUKE
Thank you.
WAVERLY
Now leave.
LUKE
So it’s true, huh?
WAVERLY
Time for you to go.
LUKE
You can kick me out but it won’t be the end of this, Waverly.
WAVERLY
Yes, it will, Darren.
#14 - If She Were Coming Home (DARREN)
LUKE
What?
WAVERLY
Just go.
(LUKE leaves the bar. WAVERLY pours herself a whiskey and conjures DARREN in his apartment, alone, also drinking.)
DARREN
IF SHE WERE COMING HOME,
I WOULDN’T HAVE ANOTHER DRINK. IF SHE WERE COMING HOME,
I’D DO THE DISHES PILED IN MY SINK, AND I’D HANG UP ALL MY SHIRTS,
AND PICK MY DIRTY SOCKS UP OFF THE FLOOR. BUT SHE’S NOT COMING HOME
ANYMORE.
IF SHE WERE COMING BACK, I WOULD TIDY UP THE PLACE. IF SHE WERE COMING BACK,
THERE’S A CHANCE I MIGHT EVEN SHAVE MY FACE. AND I’D THROW ON THAT COLOGNE
SHE GAVE ME AT CHRISTMAS TIME LAST YEAR.
BUT SHE’S NOT COMING BACK. NOT HERE.
IT ISN’T LIKE I NEED A WOMAN
TO MAKE ME DO EVERY SINGLE CHORE I JUST NEED SOMEONE
TO DO ALL THOSE LITTLE THINGS FOR. IF SHE WERE ON HER WAY,
I’D POP THAT CHAMPAGNE WE HAVE ON ICE. IF SHE WERE ON HER WAY,
I’D GET OUR KITCHEN TABLE LOOKING NICE. AND I’D MAKE HER FAVORITE MEAL
OR WHATEVER IT WOULD TAKE TO MAKE HER STAY. BUT SHE’S NOT COMING HOME.
AND SHE’S NOT COMING BACK. AND SHE’S NOT ON HER WAY.
#15 – I Wish There Were A Reason (WAVERLY)
WAVERLY
I WISH THERE WERE A REASON. I WISH I COULD SAY WHY. I WISH THAT HE HAD CHEATED OR HADN’T BEEN SUPPORTIVE OR I’D CAUGHT HIM IN A LIE. BUT THERE WASN’T A REASON AT LEAST NOT THAT I RECALL SO I STAND HERE
ALL ALONE
FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL. AND I
DON’T IMAGINE HE’S PERFECT. AND I
STILL REMEMBER THE WAY HE CAN BE I’M JUST LOOKING FOR THE PART
THAT CAUSED THIS ACHING, LONELY HEART AND MAYBE THE REASON IS ME.
I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THIS I WISH I ONLY KNEW
HOW LOVE THAT WAS IMPASSIONED COULD QUICKLY COME UNRAVELED AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
I WISH I HAD AN ANSWER SOMEWHERE TO GO. SOMETHING TO SAY. MAYBE I WILL,
BUT NOT TODAY.
DARREN
AND SHE’S NOT COMING HOME
WAVERLY
THERE’S NO REASON.
DARREN
AND SHE’S NOT COMING BACK
WAVERLY
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED
DARREN
AND SHE’S NOT ON HER WAY.
WAVERLY
I WANT IT ALL TO STAY.
(DARREN disappears. WAVERLY in sitting at the bar, crying into her whiskey. LISA enters.)
LISA
Woah, woah, woah. What’s wrong?
WAVERLY
There are signs everywhere, and they’re all pointing in different directions. It’s like when we got stuck in that traffic circle upstate for half an hour.
LISA
And we got out of that, didn’t we?
WAVERLY
When you wrenched the wheel from me, almost careening us into the Hudson.
LISA
But we got there. So here’s another wheel wrench—come to California with me.
WAVERLY
When?
LISA
I wasn’t getting something to eat, I was making a call to settle on an apartment. I’m leaving Saturday.
WAVERLY
What?
LISA
I didn’t want to tell you until I was certain because I knew you’d talk me out of it. It’s time for me to go.
WAVERLY
Even though she hasn’t arrived?
LISA
Because she hasn’t arrived.
WAVERLY
But what about the whisking?
LISA
I can’t hold up my life waiting for someone, when everything else is telling me to move on. It was my plan to come here, meet someone and go to California together. So instead of heading off into the sunset with the woman of my dreams, I’ll settle on my best friend.
WAVERLY
I’m just so confused.
LISA
Greater decisions were made my lesser people.
WAVERLY
And that makes it worse. It’s the first time in my life when the path isn’t clear—and I can’t make a choice.
LISA
You straight people sure wallow is self-pity a lot.
WAVERLY
I’m jealous of you sometimes.
LISA
Me?
WAVERLY
You get to have a day where you say to the world, “this is who I am. It’s not who you thought I was, but I’m proud of it.” And then we all hug and cheer and eat cake.
LISA
You’re jealous I’m a lesbian. That I got to spend my entire adolescence filled with crushing self-doubt and was forced to admit to everyone who I was as if it was some sin to be confessed—you’re jealous of that.
WAVERLY
Yes?
LISA
That’s it. Comfort time is over. You need to hear the hard stuff.
WAVERLY
I don’t wanna hear the hard stuff.
#16 - You Can’t Be Everything You Want (LISA)
LISA
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY. THERE’S CONVERSATIONS LIKE OURS IN ALL NEW YORK BARS
EVERY DAY.
AND EVERYONE’S GOT THE SAME ATTITUDE;
SHARE AN EMPTY CLICHÉ OR AN OVERUSED PLATITUDE. BUT YOU CAUGHT ME IN THE RIGHT MOOD.
SO AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING RUDE… THERE AREN’T PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA. YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME,
THEY’RE ENDANGERED SPECIES.
AND I DON’T SEE A GREAT FISHERMAN HERE. LOOK AT THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR,
AND TELL ME WHAT SHE SEES. SHE’S SEEING THE FACE
OF SOMEONE RUNNING IN PLACE. MY FRIEND, CAN’T YOU SEE?
YOU CAN’T BE EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
YOUR LIFE WON’T ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR THE BEST, EVERY TRIAL’S NOT A TEST,
NOR EACH LOSS A LESSON.
DON’T BUY THE STUFF ‘BOUT THAT HALFWAY FILLED CUP LIFE WILL CARVE YOU RIGHT UP
LIKE A DELICATESSEN.
SO STOP REPEATING THE LINE THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE COME ON, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU CAN’T BE EVERYTHING YOU WANT. WHEN YOU DREAM YOU CAN BE ANYTHING.
BUT YOU CAN DREAM WITHOUT EVEN SHOWING UP. SO STOP DREAMING AND BE SOMETHING
‘CAUSE HEY,
THAT’S GROWING UP.
DON’T THINK I’M TELLING YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO ‘CAUSE IT’S ALL UP TO YOU.
THIS IS YOUR DECISION.
YOU PICK A PATH, THEN THE OTHER ONE’S GONE BUT YOU GET TO MOVE ON.
WITH A CLEARER VISION.
WE’VE BEEN WANDERING FOR YEARS BUT NOW WE’RE FACING OUR FEARS AND FINALLY MOVING ALONG. ME, I’M HEADIN’ TO CALIFORNIA.
YOU, DON’T SAY THAT I DIDN’T WARN YA. YOU CHOOSE THINGS EVEN BY NOT CHOOSING. HEY, IT’S ONLY YOUR LIFE YOU’RE LOSING. MAKE A CHOICE.
DON’T LOOK BACK THEN YOU’RE FREE
TO BE ANYTHING YOU WANT. DA, DA, MM DA
BA, DA, DA BA, DA, BA DA, BA, DA BA, DA, BA, DA, BA, DA, DA, DA.
#17 – Next Thing You Know (WAVERLY and LISA)
WAVERLY
