COME
TOGETHER
insights...
for women, on men.
COME
COME TOGETHER insights… for women, on men.
Copyright © 2007 by Leslie LaMarr. All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form
without written permission from the author, Leslie LaMarr.
Published by
MORE THAN WORDS PUBLISHING Walnut Creek, California www.morethanwordspublishing.com The author can be reached through her website at:
www.LeslieLaMarr.com
Additional copies of this book may be purchased through the publisher’s website at:
www.morethanwordspublishing.com
Lyrics from NEVER SAY NEVER reprinted with the permission of: Debora Iyall ©1981 Talk Dirty Music, BMI
Quote from THE DEPARTED reprinted with the permission of: Warner Bros. Pictures
Additional credits see page 177 Cover photo: Getty Images Cover design by Tracy Tuttle Design
Edited by Beverly D. Ball
First American Paperback Edition printed, October 2007 Second (new and improved) American Paperback Edition printed,
March 2008
Library of Congress Control Number 2007933758
ISBN 978-1-934660-00-3 print version ISBN 978-1-934660-01-0 digital version ISBN13 978-1-934660-02-7 CDRom version
ISBN13 978-1-934660- 03-4 audio book Printed in the United States of America
TRACK LISTINGS
Chapters
Preface DO YA page 7
1 OBSESSION page 9
2 I WANT YOU TO WANT ME page 11
3 WHAT IS LOVE page 19
4 TALK TALK page 21
5 GROOVE IS IN THE HEART page 23
6 I AM WOMAN page 29
7 MORE THAN A FEELING page 33
8 RAPTURE page 39
9 BACKDOOR MAN page 71
10 SAFETY DANCE page 77
11 DESPERATE, page 91
BUT NOT SERIOUS
13 CHERRY BOMB page 107
14 COMMUNICATION page 109
BREAKDOWN
15 PAINT IT BLACK page 119
16 YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART page 123
17 CANDIDATE page 129
18 DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY page 135
19 ON A PLAIN page 139
20 SATISFACTION page 151
21 WHY CAN’T I BE YOU? page 163
22 SURRENDER page 169
Credit where it’s due… page 177
Do Ya
Preface
They say, when you fall in love, you hear music. I say,
that for each time I've fallen in love there’s been something on the radio that seemed to illustrate whatever romantic event was going on in my life at the time. It was music, but I don't think it was the music
they were talking about.
Who among us hasn’t heard the infamous 80s pop song MY SHARONA? An ode to love from a boy about a girl he can’t get out of his head. And at the end of the song, heavy breathing and moans of sexual release which could make a porn star jealous over his affections.
If you’re a woman and you’ve heard that song, somewhere deep inside you yearned to experience the kind of relationship where you created that amount of passion in a man. Enough to write a song about it. I’m about to tell you how.
OBSESSION
1
Be careful what you wish for. Don’t turn the lessons of this book into a cautionary tale that others will impart wisely to hopeful women. In the world of love and seduction, the results can be permanent. Men are historically referred to as dogs, but take a moment to look at a few of them. Dogs, not men. When a dog “clicks” with a prospective owner, they become inherently loyal. Even if the owner is mean, or doesn’t treat him well, the dog won’t leave. He stays regardless of his present experience and will even choose to stay despite the enticement of a better opportunity.
In this respect, most men don’t behave like dogs, although they do respond to their animal instincts when they get involved in a relationship.
The book, THE RULES, is a nice girl’s starter kit for how to obtain the interest of a man. This book will teach you how to keep him interested so that you can attain the elusive
happily ever after
part. The following pages will give you some insight on the physical and emotional aspects of your relationships so that you can make the most of your love life. But make no mistake, once your man is attached to you, his intensity for you will border on obsession.
I’m sure there’s some psychological explanation for why certain men become obsessed with particular women and a further explanation for why they relentlessly dog them. At the very least, if you have good sex with a man he will forever think about you as a possible lover – even up to 20 or 30 years later. Don’t bother discussing the logic of this behavior with a man. The average guy isn’t that deep or really that interested in the explanation for what drives his desire; he’s just interested in satisfying it. He’s like anyone who has roamed the great wilderness searching for sustenance, once he finds that which satisfies him, he’s very reluctant to let it go.
You are meant to use this book to create a positive and lasting impression on your man. Not to create the need for a restraining order.
The first thing you need to know is what drives a man. Everybody in. It’s go time.
I WANT YOU TO WANT ME!
2
Men think visually.
Meaning, that their eyes convey to their brains all they want to know or feel they need to know about a woman. It would be delightful to think that after all these millions of years here on Earth men could be solely stimulated by conscience, thought and emotion. There may be some that are already and some that will be as soon as you understand their desires. But most men could care less about what you’re saying to them and care more about the way your lips curve as you say it, or how your head tilts in that seemingly come hither way, or the rise of your breasts as you take a breath between words.
Sad, but true, men want to be initially enticed by your looks. You don’t have to be stunning, but you do have to have something – perhaps just a look in your eye – that says, “I’m the one for you and I know it.”
When I lived in Los Angeles I had a girlfriend who liked this rising young rock star who was a friend of mine. He was a talented, cerebral man who, when not playing guitar, was also a magician. He was educated in his field, a graduate from Berklee School of Music and he came from a good family.
To be truthful, she could have cared less about his pedigree; her hormones had kicked in and she just wanted to be closer to him, but he wouldn’t give her
the time of day. She would cry to me after his shows how much she liked him and how much she wanted him to “like” her. Read: I want him to want to have sex with me. He liked her well enough. She had two of his prerequisites in a girl, she was young and she was enthusiastic. Her problem was that she didn’t wear makeup. Not a stitch, not even lip gloss and he was a guy who liked girls who wore makeup. He gave special attention to the girls who dolled themselves up with all the powdery, glittery, glossy accoutrements available at the cosmetic counter, but she was treated like his tomboyish little sister.
She hated this and begged me to tell her what to do. I told her to do the obvious. Wear makeup. I told her he liked girls who wore makeup and she didn’t wear any. I told her about his last girlfriend, an exotic girl who designed her own clothes and wore her makeup in inventive and enchanting ways. My girlfriend balked. She wanted to get a man and even more ideally one that she wanted, but she was a die hard hippy type. No animal testing, no makeup, no selling out for attention. She thought about her options and refused. She wasn’t changing who she was to get a man. As a result, as great as she was as a person, she went without a boyfriend for a lot of years, until she started working at a leading women’s magazine where the editors of the magazine asked her to test new products and she was introduced to the wonderful world of makeup and grooming. Once she converted to looking her best, she was forever a convert. She started wearing a bit of makeup and doing her hair and it wasn’t too long before she had a boyfriend who soon became her husband and now they have three kids. Success!
Men are visually driven. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to polish up what you’ve got. Dust the wares and then display them if you want to make the sale, you know? This doesn’t mean you have to dress like a hooker on Saturday night, unless that’s your preference, but you do need to wear clothes that are interesting and flattering to your figure. If you don’t have a perfect figure, then take advantage of all those tips that talk shows dish out about using ruching at your waist to disguise a larger tummy or wearing a bra that lifts and separates or don’t wear hip huggers if you have large thighs and an untoned butt, unless you want to attract a man who loves the badonkadonk. Play down your perceived or real faults and play up your assets on the visual front with men.
A
s successful as you may be in initially using visual attraction to get your man, the visual attraction has to continue throughout the duration of the relationship or else your man will literally start looking elsewhere. It’s a pain in the ass to realize that your job of seduction is still not done even if you get a ring on your finger. Men don’t stop being visual once they fall in love, they just become more forgiving. So the advent of a few more wrinkles or a slight sag or some gray hairs won’t be a big turnoff to the man who loves you. But, the way you present those changes will. So, once again, don’t relinquish your offensive. Maintain forward progress and keep yourself up with a program which includes a healthy diet, exercise, moisturizer, flawless grooming and always always smell like a flower.A woman who attracts her man in stiletto heels, a miniskirt, with great perfume, long hair and lipstick is a woman who will lose her man if she resorts to wearing tennis shoes, sweats, Chapstick and either chops off her hair or just wears it pulled into a knot once they become a couple. So don’t use your looks to trick your man into thinking that you’re someone you’re not.
If we were to buy the perfect pair of 4” high patent leather heels at the store, we wouldn’t expect after wearing them several times for the heels to suddenly decide they want to become clogs. Likewise, men don’t “buy” the image of a stylish, sexy woman they want to bring into their lives, just to find that after a couple of months or even years, the woman they have selected as a partner has become a fashion slacker instead of the stylish icon they were initially attracted to.
In order to avoid culture shock with your man, be who you really are all the time whether you’re around him or not. You don’t have to look like a supermodel, but recognize that the point of grooming our outside is that it reflects how we feel about ourselves inside. The goal is to consistently look as great outside as you really are inside; always being yourself inside and out so that your man knows he’s in love with the real you.
A
nd while your man’s gaze may occasionally stray to look at other beautiful women, remember that we all look at beautiful things (think: Johnny Depp) and that you are beautiful too. Turn the tables on this indiscretion by using it to your advantage indetermining what it is that your man likes to see and then letting him see it and enjoy it, on you.
T
here is an exception to maintaining a polished facade and only a rare woman can sincerely pull it off. That’s the use of confidence to convey your sexuality. I’m not talking about the confidence you feel when you finish a project at work and everyone pats you on the back and says, “You’ll be the next to get the promotion.” Or the confidence you may feel at paying on your first mortgage while you make yourself that gourmet dinner in your newly remodeled kitchen. I’m talking about sexual confidence, the kind that oozes imperceptibly from every pore of your being when you walk into a room even if you’re sweaty and covered in muck. That kind of confidence cries out to all the men in the room, “I’m dirty, but I could still have sex with you that would blow your mind and then I would prepare us a feast that would revitalize us enough for a second round before I style myself into the Goddess that I am when I’m not covered in muck.” That kind of confidence.Unfortunately not a lot of women exhibit that degree of confidence and the reason for that is your Father. He’s the first man you will ever love. The first man you will ever try out your flirting, manipulative ways on. The first man who will ever tell you he’s “disappointed” in you, forever setting into motion the freight train of self doubt I like to call the
The very first time your Daddy, the one who calls you his “little baby girl” says to you that he’s “disappointed” in you; the first time he gives you that
look, you know the one, a furrowed brow, the serious
eyes that have lost their sparkle of delight as they’re gazing at you, the slightly frowning or really frowning mouth which is all present because of something you did or said, you immediately become afflicted with the Please Papa Syndrome.
Because you’ll never want to see that look on his face or hear those words with regards to you ever ever again, internally you make the decision that from that moment on, you’ll do whatever it takes to make him happy. Whether you’re two or twelve or somewhere in between or a little bit older; as soon as you realize that the constant loving approval of your Father is by no means constant and mimics something that doesn’t seem like love or approval if he doesn’t approve of what you’re doing; the direction of your life changes. You immediately stop living in the self confident manner to which you were born and start living by way of seeking love and approval from men. First and again from your Father and from there on out from every boyfriend you find yourself involved with.
NOTE: The Please Papa Syndrome is a position women
find themselves in with men as the result of an emotionally unbalanced situation. It’s like the parable of dangling the carrot before the donkey, with your man holding his approval over your head, just out of reach while you keep making every effort imaginable to attain it. No woman should ever end up in that situation. We all make choices which will displease at least one other person on this planet, but that in no
way means that we should change our choices in order to make someone else happy.
This syndrome can be the most
debilitating factor in the natural self
confidence of a woman.
The good news is that it’s not a permanent state of mind. You can correct it yourself. Because the syndrome is a reactive behavior, you can get beyond it by eliminating your need for approval from others and by learning to live proactively as opposed to reactively as you may have been taught early in your formative years. It’s hard work and you may end up living in an Ashram, not wearing makeup or being the only vegetarian at Thanksgiving for awhile in deliberate attempts to establish your own independence. But eventually, your choices will balance out somewhere between radical feminism and a selection of behaviors that could be called approval seeking. However, you will know that when you make the choice to do something like wear makeup, shave your legs, color your hair or work out; you are primarily doing these things to please yourself and not as a reaction to anyone else.
If you can find the balance between being yourself and recognizing that to get attention from the backwards world of men you have to do more than existentially “be” yourself, you have to use your confidence to “sell” yourself too, then you will become one of those rare women who can walk into a room with 20+ extra pounds on her, in no makeup and sweats and every
man in the room will silently acknowledge that for some inexplicable reason, “She’s hot.”
D
on’t worry; working it to get attention from your man is not selling out to the Please Papa Syndrome. Knowledge is power. What you learn here or elsewhere that makes your life better is yours and it’s your choice as to whether or not someone else will benefit from your wisdom. Make choices that make you happy first and if someone else gets happy from those choices as well, even better!---
I
know, women like the visuals too and we wish our men would primp a little for us. Some men are as visually critical of themselves as they are of us. Being with a man who is critical of himself balances out the responsibility you have to take for your own looks. But if he’s not, the way to get the grooming you desire from your man is to do it for him. I mean it. Do you want him to clean his nails? Then get in there at the sink and show him how. Are his feet too rough? Then moisturize them for him. Does his mustache hair, nose hair, ear hair or body hair need a trim? Then trim it for him. Show him by example what you’d like and he’ll start doing it for himself. Men are simple. They are not ignorant. They need to be taught what is expected of them and then they will learn… and will do whatever you like.T
he thing is, after all of your efforts, you want your man to want you. But he wants to be wanted by you more than he wants to want you. Isn’t that too much?W
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Baby don't hurt me...
3
I was told that the initial version of this book wasn't complete enough about the courtship phase of a relationship. That falling in love is the best part of hooking up with a great guy and that there needed to be greater clarification about what love is to a man. I was told that it's only fair, since I wrote about everything else in here but the kitchen sink. My bad, so here it is.
Ok, what is love to a guy? Is it conformity, usefulness, the fulfillment of their emotional and sexual needs? Yes. To some men being in love means that they get what they want, when they want it and as often as they want it - whatever “it” is. And in return they will profess to love you. To others it's the love and loyalty they receive from you. They may not be reliable, loving or faithful to you, but you are with them so you're it; the one for them. To all men it's the experience of adoration. If you get all wide eyed and girlish when they enter a room; if you treat every act they undertake as if no one else on Earth has ever done it better; if you can't do enough for them or get enough of them; in other words, if you adore them, then they will reciprocate your adoration by falling in love with you. Eventually. And as we’ve all heard, when men fall, they fall hard. It sounds great....
But does it last? Or, a better question is, how can you make it last? Men can be fickle. A man may remain married for 20 years, but if a woman comes along who looks at him the way you USED to look at him and in a way that you DON'T look at him any longer, then the possibility stands that he might fall in love with her. Not so much with her, but with the way that she sees him. So to keep his love for yourself, find something to adore in your guy every day and then let him see the adoring reflection of himself in the sparkle of your eyes.
Here we are back at the visual needs of men. Not just what they see with their peepers, but with the way they’re seen by yours. I think it is more than aptly expressed by the title of the last chapter, I WANT YOU TO WANT ME. That's what they want. They want you to want them. If you want them, then it makes them feel good. If you make them feel good, then they fall in love with you and you get what you want. It's really that simple.
TALK TALK
4
WE NEED TO TALK. These four words strike fear into the heart of a man and strike down his libido. Ever since the days where his own Mother would sit him down for a conversation about his behavior, those words have boded a problem. Men don’t like problems. So men don’t like to “talk” because if you need to talk, it means there’s a problem.
Studies have shown that in an average day, men use fewer words than women. It’s true and there’s a reason for this. Words are not as important to men as they are to women. The reason most women can be lied to and will continue to be lied to by men, is because as long as a man is saying the things to a woman that she wants to hear, truthful or not, a man can get away with saying anything.
Men are not as gullible when it comes to words. You would think this would save them, but really it gets them into hot water more often than not with their wives and girlfriends who “want to talk.” So while woman have spent decades “finding their voices,” men have spent the same decades perfecting the art of dismissing words and feigning deafness. Words really mean nothing to them, unless you’re saying the words, “It’s so big!” or “That feels good.” or “I’m so happy.” or the words, “What bald spot?” FYI – those words mean EVERYTHING in the life of a man.
Men respond to action. They understand action and once they see what the action is, it becomes simple for them, they can then choose to participate in the action or not. However, if you insist upon “talking” with your man, keep it short and sweet. Cut to the chase and make your point in the first two sentences because most men will go into their “other” place if you keep talking without getting to the point.
In my opinion, the best way to get through to your man is to keep the choice you want him to make simple and then exemplify it to him. Don’t waste two hours discussing your sex life and how you want to change things a bit. Just change things a bit. Trust me, he will respond to the change in one of two ways. He will go along with it or he will talk to you about it. So either way, you get your way. You either get his cooperation in making the change or you get the conversation you desire to have about the change. The biggest mistake a woman can make is to “have a discussion” with her man. So, if you have something to say to your man, say it in as few words as possible or better yet, just do it if there’s an action involved. To keep things straight, bear in mind that people aren’t what they say they are; they are what they do. But, if you're going to talk, remember to LISTEN. Listening is more important than talking. So when you talk, listen too. Don't just shamelessly promote your own agenda. After all, you're in this together.
Ironically, after all that, here’s where talking benefits you in a relationship.
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IS IN THE HEART
5
At the beginning of a relationship, talking is your friend. It’s the best tool you have to get what you want. The irony is that after you get sexually involved in a relationship, talk becomes cheap.
Decide now, do you want your man to desire you emotionally as well as physically? Because obtaining the physical desire of a man is easy. All you have to do is look good, hold your tongue and reach between his legs to get his attention. If you want emotional desire from him as well, it takes a bit more effort and a lot more restraint.
When and if a man wants a woman what he’s really expressing is that he wants sex with that woman. When a woman wants a man, what she’s really expressing is that she wants a relationship with that man. There is a way that all parties involved can get what they want… eventually. Here’s how.
HOLD OUT ON SEX.
I don’t mean make the hold out an obvious punishment, talk to him as much as he wants. Hang out with him. In person. Because in order for him to respect you before, during and after you do have sex, he needs to feel like he has made an investment of physical effort into the relationship so that his feelings
will have value. This is why no matter how much time you may put into a long distance relationship, you might still feel distant and unsure when you physically come together. In order to grow closer, there needs to be physical closeness without sexual intimacy. So hang out together and talk instead of having sex, no matter how badly you may want it, or he may pursue it.
Know this: The emotional groundwork that is laid prior
to sexual intimacy will hold up after sexual intimacy. If the emotional groundwork isn’t laid BEFORE the two of you have sex together, it will never exist at all. You can deceive yourself into thinking that once you get the sex out of the way, openness, inclusion and honesty will somehow evolve between the two of you. They won’t. The truth is that the only way to attain the emotional qualities you desire in a relationship is to attain them using your mental agility before you have sex with him. You need to use your emotional desires as bartering chips against his persistent barter for sex with you. Once you receive the chip for honesty and the chip for inclusion and the chip for sharing and the chip for openness, then you can give him the only chip he really thinks he wants – the one for sex. Certainly, in the long run of the relationship he will benefit from the inclusion of the other factors that were important to you, but in the heat of passion, during the adventure of pursuit, he could care less about anything regarding his future but having sex with you.
Here’s the scene. You meet a guy. You’re attracted to him and you can tell by the way he’s watching you, sitting close, asking for your number, that he’s
attracted to you too. But already, as the woman that you are, you want more. Your brain is jumping ahead, past the first date, past the months of hanging out, straight to meeting his parents and whether or not they will like you, because women want relationships. If you were to vocalize all of this to this new man, he would run. So you have to work him like a big fish in the deep blue sea. Play him out for awhile, then reel him in.
Talk to him. Listen to him. Talk about anything with him. Now is the time you can be as open and opinionated as you would like. He will listen. If he’s attracted to you, he will respond. He will make witty banter and have insightful comments. His responses will probably make you laugh and think about how great he is; you will be deceived into thinking he is permanently cerebral.
Know this: what he’s really thinking is that if I talk to
her long enough, she will sleep with me. What’s really happening is that by talking to him you are becoming ingrained into his emotional thoughts, whether he wants that to happen or not.
He will listen for hours, months, you will probably be able to talk for just as long since you are a woman and use thousands more words a day in conversation than men. You will think that you both think the same way and for now, you do. The tricky truth is that you are using his own desire against his emotional self. While he sees the conversation as a means to a sexual end, what’s really taking place is that his brain is becoming accustomed to you. The more accustomed his brain becomes to you, the greater the chance that he will fall
in love with you and stay with you. To understand this, you have to understand the differences in emotional composition between men and women. The simple explanation is this. If a woman has sex with a man, the chemicals inside of her immediately acclimate to that man and her brain feels the emotions of attachment. The more sex she has with the same man, the stronger her attachment. Men grow attached via emotional investment. Sex for a man is not the same key to an emotional investment, as it is to a woman. Sex to a man is a physical act separated from his emotional investment. So a man can have as much sex as he wants with the same woman and will still never fall in love with her. However, if you make a man invest emotionally by talking with you about his feelings for a long time BEFORE you have sex with him, his brain becomes attached to you. Then, when you do have sex with him, it completes the level of attachment his brain has begun to have, rather than merely being a physical act he can ignore.
Basically, it’s called mating and mating exists on two levels for everyone. Emotional and physical. For women, the levels are interchangeable and women are able to navigate easily between the two levels throughout the term of the relationship. For men, the window of opportunity to experience the emotional level comes right at the beginning of the relationship and once the physical level is breached, the emotional level window closes – permanently. This is why it’s important to lock your man in mentally before you get physical, because if your man is not already emotionally attached to you by the time you have sex with him, he will not feel the need to become more
emotionally attached to you as he has already achieved his primeval goal to mate with you.
So if you want a man to grow attached to you emotionally, then talk talk talk with him before you have sex with him. It will be hard. When men want sex, they pull out all the stops. They become charming and seductive, working against the restraints you are trying to put in place so that an emotional attachment can take place in your favor. This push and pull scenario is why so many one night stands may temporarily evolve into a relationship, but then rapidly devolve at some point into a breakup. Once your man realizes that his brain is no longer needed to make the deal from an emotional involvement into a physically intimate relationship with you, he’s emotionally out. So whatever you’ve established before his brain checks out is the outcome you are left with.
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emember this as well while you’re talking; that out of all of the topics you can talk over with your man, talking about sex will make him think that you are already planning on having sex with him. When a woman discusses sex with a man, the man thinks it's because the woman wants to let him know that she wants sex with him. Remember also that no conversation about your past sex life with another man is ever a good conversation and despite how your guy responds, it will offend him to hear that you ever had great sex with someone else. Ever. No really, ever. Sometimes guys ask about your past sex life. If your guy asks you about your past sex life, DON'T fall into the trap of responding honestly. Make up a lie or say, "You are the best guy I know." Talking about your past sex life WILL kill your future sex life. It may nothappen right away, but it will happen. So bite your tongue if you’re asked. I know you'll be glad you did. SO, TO REVIEW... Little or no talking before you have sex = little or no emotional connection to the man. Lots and lots of talking before you have sex = a stronger, more lasting relationship and connection.
A
nd while you're talking with your guy, talk about yourself as well. Be fair by letting him know that hanging out as friends means that he’s getting to know one side of you, but if you start dating, he will experience another side of you and that when you get intimate, the dynamics between the two of you will change again. Don’t passively hope that he will know how to respond to your needs, tell him what it is that you expect from him so that he has a fighting chance to make it happen. For example, if you like to receive flowers after you have sex for the first time, a gesture that makes you feel appreciated and respected, then let him know this long before you end up in bed together. Give him the chance to do the right thing for you so that you will give yourself the chance to be happy. We presume that men know what we need, but frequently, they don’t know and a lot of great guys get dismissed because of their relationship ignorance. Don't sabotage your happiness together. A good guy will welcome some clues about what you need to be happy. Clue him in so that neither one of you will be left feeling defeated and disappointed. Love requires care to ensure a great outcome. You can't be careless with the one you love and you can't leave positive experiences up to chance. Make any effort you can in support of your relationship so that you can both enjoy a happy ending.I AM WOMAN
6
One word says it all……
S
u
p
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W
o
m
a
n.
Why yes, that’s exactly what men expect. They expect you to hold down your own job, have your own money, pay your own way and then dress and behave in a way that stimulates their desire to have sex with you. And, if you’re a wife, YES, they also expect you to take care of the house, fix nutritious meals, have babies, take care of the babies, pay the bills AND be as seductive as you possibly can with your looks and demeanor.Ironically, the very stance you will take after reading that above paragraph, an emotional stand of indignant defense on behalf of women’s liberation and rights, is the very attitude which put us all into this unfortunate spot to begin with.
They say that feminists make the best lovers, but if we had stayed the delicate little flowers we were groomed to be in the 50s, we would not have to pay our own way, develop careers, take care of the house and kids AND be sexually beguiling to our men today. If contemporary women had just stayed retrofitted to men, then our men would be responsible for a majority of our needs and we could take all the time in the world to style ourselves and be seductive. Because as most women know, whether your look is natural or vamp it takes A LOT of time and effort to look amazing.
Even today’s feminists know that it takes just as much time to look hot as to change the world and that it’s equally important to do both, simultaneously. Look at Oprah, philosophical icon that she is, she still has her hair and makeup done daily. Not to mention the stylist who dresses her to accentuate the success of her diet and exercise regime. Sure, she’s beyond smart, but do you like the way she looks? So do a lot of people. Millions of people pay attention to what she says daily and she makes billions convincing people to listen to her; utilizing her good looks in her process.
Unfortunately, along with being capable, the window dressing isn’t enough. Remember the opening of this chapter? You have to be a Superwoman. So let’s continue with the super needs you’ll need to meet in order to make your man happy.
This is where the show moves to the bedroom. You can put it all on to get his attention, but you have to keep his attention from the foyer into the bedroom in order to prove that you have what it takes to make the play.
Men expect you to be like a great poker game. The visual stimulation is your hand and how you play it is the seduction aspect, but don’t ever bluff. Because just like a man hates to lose to a bluff hand in a real poker game, so does he hate to be bluffed all the way into the bedroom only to find that you are holding a pair of twos.
To be a real Superwoman, you have to keep the game going, no matter how tired you are, no matter how rough your day was at work or with the kids, all the
way into passionate sex in the bedroom. And the game’s not over until your man has had an orgasm and is happily sleeping.
Know now: unless you undertake the actions necessary
to achieve your own orgasm, the focus will be on his orgasm and you will be left over stimulated and under satisfied. So, incorporate the action not words theory from Chapter 4 and the sexual/self lessons in Chapters 19 and 20 in order to generate the outcome of satisfaction you deserve in the bedroom as well.
Sounds like a challenge that could suck, right? It may, but choose. Are you a woman who wants a man or a woman who wants a cat? Cats seem to be much easier. They could care less how you look or what you wear or if you please them sexually. Just give them some food and a place to sleep and they’re happy. But don’t forget to clean the cat litter or you’ll find unpleasant little surprises just outside of the box to remind you to do things differently the next time. Actually men may be more like cats than we would like to think. But that’s a different book.
MORE THAN A FEELING
7
Because most women need more than a suggestion to get in the mood, we presume that we should be touched more often and in more places than our men. It’s too easy to think, “Really, he’s got one bull’s eye which calls the shots to begin with, so that’s the only area that requires any attention on him.” Right and wrong. His bull’s eye is important, but men also love to be touched. All over. So touch him. Scratch his back lightly or better yet scratch his chest or the inside of his forearms. Trust me when I say the forearm scratching is a big hit. Men like a soft scratching touch on most areas of their body including their heads. Lightly scratch their scalp and stroke their hair at the same time. They love that. Their heads and forearms seem to have this hidden wealth of nerve endings that pleasure them when they’re lightly scratched.
Massage is another great way to touch a man. It’s an excellent transition between his stressful day and a night of passion. Most guys like for you to use a little massage oil to keep your hands from getting stuck as you rub their skin. Don’t use too much oil and do use oil that you both like. There are a lot of scented massage oils on the market, or flavored oils and oils that have a warming effect. Experiment to find the ones that both of you will like. Or if you need an affordable alternative, there are a few lavender or vanilla scented baby oils sold in grocery stores that you can use.
To give a great massage, lay your man down on his stomach and start the massage on his back, keeping in mind that any massage you give should be as seductive and relaxing as possible. In order to reach all of the areas on his back and neck you should straddle him from behind; preferably in a slip, mini dress or naked; with sexy panties on or no panties at all. Bear in mind that touch is everything in intimacy and the first thing on us that touches another is our skin. Keep your skin soft so that touching you and being touched by you will always be preferable to touching anything else. Start your massage in the center of his back, between his shoulder blades. Using the palms or heels of your hands, not your fingers, press down equally on either side of his spine and then rub up and outward, towards his armpits. Do this gently, but firmly and repeatedly all the way up to his neck and then back down again to his waist/hips. If you’re doing it right, your hands should look like the wings of a bird as you press and rub outwardly. Continue the same circular rubbing, focusing on the high center of his back to relieve the tension in his muscles that lead to his shoulders. Once you’ve finished massaging the high center of his back, cup your hands around his shoulders; using your fingers grouped together now, press and rub down and outwardly on the tops of his shoulders all the way up to his neck. You should be making small circular motions as you rub. When you reach his neck, gently press on either side of it with your fingertips, creating a wave motion with your fingers as you press. Press first with your pointer finger, then press your middle finger, then your ring finger, then your pinky. Make the transition from finger to finger seamless and fluid in its pressure on his neck. Then group all of your
fingers together to rub his neck in small circular motions.
Now you want to move your hands underneath his shoulders at the front. This is how you will apply circular massaging pressure to his pectoral areas. That’s the boobs area for you girls who dropped out of Phys Ed. Massage the muscles that lead from his shoulders to his armpits and then down around his nipple area. Remember that it’s best if everywhere you massage you apply gentle yet firm and equal pressure on both sides at the same time. As you move up his back in order to get to his pects, let him feel the heat from your crotch on his back. Bend down into him slightly so he can feel your breath on him as you rub him and so he can feel your hair loose, tickling his neck. After his pects, massage his upper arms. As with his shoulders, it would be great if you could massage both arms at the same time, but it is easier and more effective if you use both hands on each arm individually, working all the way down his arm to his wrists and hands, massaging his palms and gently rubbing out each of his fingers to the tip.
For the final rub on his back, start again at the top center of his back and do the circular rubbing down either side of his spine all the way to his hips.
DO NOT
RUB DIRECTLY ON HIS SPINE
That does not feel good. Go back up to the top at his neck and using the palms/heels of your hands push down on either side of his spine. While still applying
pressure from your hands, run the heels of your hands all the way down his back on either side of his spine to the small of his back. This should be one continuous motion – no circular rubbing. The point of this action is that the back accumulates fluid on either side of the spine throughout the day in response to tensions. Pushing the fluid from the base of the neck down to the small of the back relieves the pressure of the fluid and ultimately the tension in his back. Once you reach the small of his back push harder and more firmly down on the base of his back and rub outward over his hip bones. Do this one or two more times just to finalize the back massage.
Once you’ve massaged his back turn him over. Ask him to close his eyes and start your massage at his feet. You don’t need to oil his feet in order to massage them and because you will need one hand to hold the foot up and one to massage it, you can only massage one foot at a time. Using your thumbs, press firmly, but still gently, on his foot; starting just under the ball, right above the middle of his foot. The motion is still the same, firm and circular, moving from the middle of his foot up to the base of his toes. Massage the arch of his foot and then the top of his foot down to his toes. Once you’ve massaged his foot, then gently rub and pull slightly on his toes. Rub one toe at a time. Take your time on his feet. Relaxing his feet in an effective manner will completely relax him. After you’ve done his feet, start up his legs, paying special attention to his Achilles tendons and Calves, massage from his lower leg up onto his thighs. You can lift his leg slightly to reach the backs of his thighs or some people like to do the feet and the backs of the thighs before turning him over onto his back to massage his front.
You can make your own choices about what areas you want to do, in what order and how much of a massage you want to give him. As you reach the tops of his thighs, he may start to become sexually excited. Go with this. It’s a natural response for quite a few men. If he does become aroused, it becomes your choice whether or not to let sexuality take over for the massage scenario and become the new course for the evening, i.e. the “happy finish.”
T
ouch can mean a lot of different things. For example, you can stroke him with your hair from his chest to his stomach. That’s one way to touch him. Or if you’re sitting next to him, holding his hand, you can bring his hand up to your mouth and let your tongue trace his lifeline from his palm all the way up to one of his fingers which you should then treat as if it is a mini version of his cock. Tease each of his fingers with your tongue until you slip one of them into your mouth and suck on it very seductively for awhile. That’s touch. Using your tongue to touch his skin just about anywhere is seductive. Or touch can be giving him a full pedicure culminating in painting his toenails while you invite him to more intimate activities with your eyes. Wearing lingerie while giving him a pedicure is a nice touch. Once you’ve finished giving him the pedicure, surprise him by bringing your mouth down to his toes and then sliding his big toe into your mouth. Treat each of his toes as if they are tiny versions of his cock and use your mouth to play with them. This kind of touch makes things hot enough for more play action to happen between the two of you.W
hile there are a number of predetermined erotic zones on the body, the fact is that anywhere skin exists there is the possibility of an erotic zone waiting to be discovered. The eroticism is determined by how you approach the spot and what you do to it. I knew a guy one time who liked to use his thigh as an erogenous zone in connecting with my distinctly feminine erogenous zone. That was hot.The point of this is that the only limits to erogenous zones are the limits of your mind and imagination. While the obvious highlights of two sexual bodies are breasts, vagina and penis, the truth is that wherever there is skin, there is feeling and there is also the possibility of an erogenous zone. If you think you can connect with your man by using your nose to stimulate him and you try it and it works, then you have a new erogenous zone in your world. Or, think about kissing and gently licking someone’s eyelids. It’s off the beaten path, but I know a girl who loves to give and to receive that. Most people’s ears or the backs of their necks are sensitive to erotic stimulation, but so are some people’s nipples (men and women), thighs, knees, elbows, stomachs and feet. It’s all up to you to determine what area you want to approach to touch and how you want to touch it. All I know is that the possibilities are infinite. So try something. And if it doesn’t work out, then try something else. I guarantee
that for as many places on your man’s body that he may already want to have touched there are at least an equal number of new places you can touch that will put him through the roof in a good way. It’s a win win situation, so reach out and touch him.
RAPTURE
8
When I told this guy I know that I was writing an R Rated chapter in a self help book for women on what they can do to please men sexually, he quipped, "Tell them to show up." It's an old joke, but mostly true. So you want to be unforgettable? Well, in order to be unforgettable you will need to do that one thing for your guy that he has always wanted to do sexually, but has never done. Or maybe he did do it, one time, way back when he was 19 and he has always wanted to do it again, but no girl he's been with since has been willing to do it with him. The sexual act doesn't need to be perverted. It can be something as simple as having phone sex or as risky as having sex in a park together while you're on a picnic. But there's always something. There's always one thing that every man has been curious about experiencing. Some sexual act that has been in his dreams that he hasn't been able to turn into a reality. Something that only a special woman would do with him. And if you do this one thing with him and you do it well, he will remember you as special for an eternity.
Okay, here are some suggestions on what you can do to be unforgettable once you’ve shown up.
First of all you have to recognize that the most active portion of a man’s brain once you’ve started having sex together is the area that is stimulated by sex, for sex
and towards sex. So your approach has to be sexual in order to create a positive result and a lasting memory. I hope that by now you have had enough conversation with your man so that you know some, if not most of what his sexual history has been. What types of sexual positions he’s tried, what he likes, what he doesn’t like and what his proclivities are. Is he into porn, is he more comfortable in the bedroom or does he like sex in a variety of places? Is he open minded about experimentation; is he a condom guy; does he prefer giving or receiving oral; how does he feel about body hair; has he ever tried toys; is he a voyeur? The list of inquiries is as infinite as the possible sexual suggestions, but I’ll try to steer you in a couple of promising directions.
The goal you want to achieve is the creation of a private sexual world between the two of you. A physical and emotional location where you can both try anything you want to try, together. If your man has tried any of these methods prior to being involved with you, then you may need to research other potential activities and without question, USE YOUR IMAGINATION. Absolutely nothing sexual is off limits as long as it is undertaken with a strong measure of self respect, respect for your partner and consideration for your bodies. That means don’t attempt to use restraints with a man who abhors any sort of dominance. Or if your man is very private and is definitively not an exhibitionist, then do not seduce him in public areas or you may risk permanently alienating him.
Here’s the main point you will want to remember:
You want to be the first,
but if you can’t be the first,
you want to be the best.
You probably won’t be the first person he’s ever had sex with. Especially since as men and women grow older, the number of partners they have been with increases proportionately to the number of relationships they have been in. So being the first there won’t happen unless you’re sixteen and reading this book, in which case you should not be reading this book, as it’s R Rated. But you can easily be the best with a little practice and some necessary communication with your man about what he likes and how he likes it. There are also a number of other activities you can be the first at, which will delight and pleasure him.
Your approach to being the first or the best is as important as the selection of activity you choose.
A word of caution: despite the fact that the sexual revolution occurred some 30 odd years ago, the attitudes of men towards women with regard to sexual equality have progressed very little unless a woman is paying her own way. While most men realize they aren’t your first, no man who loves you wants to think about the sex you’ve had with other men. So temper your abilities with tactful disclosure or else your man will think more about who you were with and what you did with that guy, than what you’re doing to him right now.
First of all know this: Great sex is more than a polished technique, it’s a vibe thing. So you will want to get into his head, to get on his vibe. Think about where he is in his day, in his week, in his life, in his choice of other activities. Is he quiet or shy or is he an adrenaline junky? Is he happy in his life right now or suffering from some loss? What are his personal choices like with regards to his house or wardrobe? Are they progressive, modern and cutting edge or are they old school vintage? What is his background? Is it spiritual or free thinking? What were his choices in other women? Think about what he has ever mentioned that he liked or disliked about other women. What were the reasons he broke up with his last girlfriends?
If all of this sounds like a lot to pay attention to, it is. But thinking about all of this is the only way you can specifically gear your sexual approach to the man you’re trying to please.
For example, I’ll go down the list and suggest a couple of sexual options for various aspects of a man’s personality.
A
quiet, shy guy will probably respond best to an incredibly intimate candlelight setting. The seduction would need to be tender; be ready to kiss him for awhile in the living room, but move to the bedroom for anything more. I wouldn’t suggest pulling out all the stops by using all your skills at once, but a seductive and dedicated blow job would be something that would probably blow his mind.By dedicated I mean, plan on doing it nice and slow at first, then use your hand to stroke him while you suck him. Bring the speed up gradually and don’t stop sucking on him until he cums. No matter how long that takes.
It may take awhile before he understands what your plan is. Don’t tell him you’re going to do it until he cums. Just keep doing it even if he tries to pull you up to kiss you or if he tells you he wants to do something for you now. Shy men can be quite courteous in the bedroom, feeling the compulsion to reciprocate, especially during oral sex. Even if he begs, just smile and move quietly and decisively back down between his legs and keep giving him head until he cums.
R
emember they call it sucking because there should be sucking. Men like a vacuum sensation on their cock and say they prefer women to suck harder rather than to delicately lick and lightly suck. After you’ve sucked for awhile, try swirling your tongue around the head of his cock to spice things up a bit. Suck harder as you get more into it, but not hard enough to leave a hickey. Bear in mind though, that no matter what your technique is, no guy is going to reject a girl who wants to give him head.N
ot every woman likes a man to cum in her mouth, even if she loves him, but if you want to be unforgettable to your man, let him cum in your mouth and then swallow it slowly, like you really enjoyed that moment with him. DON’T SPIT IT OUT in front of him and DON’T run to the bathroom right after he cums to spit it out or to wash out your mouth. If you honestlycan’t let him cum in your mouth, then right before he cums, lubricate him with your mouth and then use your hand to jerk him off while you move his cock down to the nape of your neck. Or better yet, slide his cock down between your breasts, stroking him up against and between your breasts and then let him cum there. He will probably be watching at this point, so for him to watch himself cum between your breasts or on the nape of your throat is also a turn on if he can’t cum in your mouth. For you, while you’re sucking him, finger yourself or massage your clit. It excites a man to think that having his cock in your mouth turns you on so much that you can’t restrain from self pleasuring. The added bonus is that when you stimulate yourself while he’s in your mouth, the low hum you make because you’re aroused adds to his arousal and both of you can have orgasms.
I
f you do this somewhat frequently and it starts to feel old, then mix it up by introducing food items to the act. Honey, ice or a mouthful of champagne while you’re giving him a blow job makes things more interesting. Or suck on an Altoids before you begin; the icy breath freshener creates a little chill action which is an exciting contrast to your warm, moist mouth.F
or those of you who are even more adventurous, try this: right before your guy is ready to cum (you will know from experience or he should tell you), moisten your index finger with your saliva or with lubricant and after you lightly stimulate his anus; slide your finger up into his asshole until you can feel the rigid muscle of his prostate. When you reach his prostate, applygentle yet continuous pressure on it while you’re still sucking on his cock. This move will send him over the top! But watch the direction of your fingernails inside of him, because unless your man has expressed that he likes pain, it could get risky. In fact, if you do finger your man in his ass, remember to keep your nails short, keep the edges filed and be gentle. Slow and easy feels better and is better than too fast or pushy. Think erotic seduction as you do this and you will experience delightful results.
T
he adrenaline junky is already a daring personality, so you’re going to want to mix it up a little for him. Find out if he’s had public sex. If not, then seduce him in a parking lot somewhere. Preferably not somewhere where it’s illegal, but someplace like the parking lot at the foot of his favorite hiking trail. A place he already associates with good vibes.
O
r seduce him while you’re on a road trip. While he’s driving, slide your hand between his legs and stroke him until he gets hard and then suggest that the two of you pull over somewhere at an exit so he can have sex with you. After he pulls over, don’t waste time discussing how to fold the seats down. Instead, lean into his lap and give him head while you suggest that he come around to your side of the car. Then get out of your seat, pull up your dress or pull down your jeans to your knees and bend over inside the car so that your upper body is face down on your seat. This way he can enter you from behind while he’s standing just inside your open car door. Don’t pull down your underwear. Let him decide whether to pull them to the side or to pull them down. Keep having sex with him until hecums; no matter how many cars drive by. For yourself, I suggest moving your hand between your legs and stroking your clit and his cock at the same time. Wrap your fingers around the base of his cock and let your thumb rub your clit as he slides in and out of you, then both of you will cum. Preferably together.
I
s he happy or in a state of loss? Let’s cover happy first. If he’s happy, make the sex fun and spontaneous. Very spontaneous. Like while you’re watching TV or cooking dinner or better yet, take him to the movies; you pay and then play with him in the theater (discreetly of course) or let him play with you. Then when you leave the theater make out with him in the car and have sex in the back seat. This will remind him of when he was young and free and could do as he pleased with the girl next door. His happy mood will only get better after a date night with you.F
or a guy in a state of loss, he needs nurturing to accompany his sex. So I wouldn’t advise trying anything new or too wild with him. Bundle him up in a blanket and curl up next to him. Wait for him to get comfortable and then kiss him. Only kiss him. If he responds, keep kissing him and do nothing more. Don’t stroke him. Don’t place his hands on your body anywhere. Just keep giving him your mouth; your kiss, long deep, soul connecting kisses, with no pressure to do anything else. This may go on for an hour or more and that’s perfect. It’s what he needs. If something more is supposed to happen, let him make the move to do it. If he tries to make a move and it feels to you like he’s doing it because it’s expected, then slowly and gently kiss his hand and continue to hold his hand inyour hand, but return to kissing his mouth. Kissing may be all he can handle, but usually at some point his cock will dictate another activity. Wait until he seems so hungry for sex with you that he’s almost tearing into your clothes to get to your body. Then let him pound out all of those feelings he’s having into you.
S
ex is a cure for emotional distance. It’s a fake it ‘til you make it while you make it situation. In a slow seduction, you will give your man back the control he’s felt like he’s lost because of his loss and he will associate that redemption with comfort and stimulation from you.I
s he progressive, cutting edge or old school/vintage? If he’s progressive, then he probably likes the idea of toys. He may never have bought them or used them with anyone, but he’s not opposed to them. You should take a man like this shopping at your local adult store. Look at everything in order to open up your perspective on what’s available. Then discuss what you may be interested in trying out together. It may be as basic as flavored condoms or a warming lubricant or something more involved like a vibrator, Benoit balls or a pearl g-string. Be open and encouraging. Buy something and then take it home to try it out together.F
or a guy who’s on the cutting edge of things, invest in webcams for both of you. Start the foreplay for your evening online as you’re getting dressed, instructing him on how to log into your computer so that he can watch you. If he has a webcam as well, he can also turn on his cam so you can watch how he responds.Setting up webcams is fairly easy since most come with a software program that allows you to connect from a remote computer location to the computer/camera receiving the images. If the camera you purchase doesn’t come with this program, you can purchase the program separately online. Using the keywords
surveillance camera or webcam search for software and
cameras that are compatible with each other. The information your guy will need to connect from his computer to yours is your IP (Internet Protocol) address. You can email your IP access data to him once you learn what it is. After installing the software on his computer, he will be able to access your computer and see you. It is advised that you check your IP address frequently before using your camera. Most internet service providers change your IP address after a period of days or weeks to accommodate their businesses. You can determine your own IP address by going to:
www.whatismyipaddress.com.
If you use cameras to titillate your man, his sex drive will be on high by the time you meet up for your date and you may make it through dinner or a movie without a few deep kisses or furtive gropes, but I doubt it.
F
or someone who’s interested in old school décor, go to a vintage clothing store and buy some 50s or 60s era lingerie to wear in the bedroom or just around the house. Blanche Dubois had the right idea when she ran around in a silk slip and not much more. Silk feels good against a man’s skin and if you leave it on while he has his way with you, you’ll be as memorable as Blanche was.K
nowing his background gives you a big key to who he was raised to be. Since most men are inherently rebellious against their upbringing, working against the grain on this one would be in your favor. For example, if he was raised strictly and morally, then he expects the woman in his life to be a good girl.To be memorable, be a naughty girl. Flirt, wear sexy lingerie under your clothes and very discreetly, let him see that your bra is black lace or that your panties are g-string. Don’t be a tramp, be seductive and when you get into the bedroom, convince him to open up to you about what his fantasies are; then if it’s at all possible, enact those fantasies with him. Assure him that no one will know what you do together except for the two of you.
Men raised to be strictly moral enjoy having secrets in the bedroom. They have such an outwardly moral stance to maintain that the only place they can really cut loose and be risqué is in the bedroom. Use this information to your advantage. Discuss his secret thoughts with him and then act on those thoughts and you’ll become a permanent and pleasurable fixture in his mind.
C
onversely, if your man was raised in an open minded environment, or in a hippy era household, then he probably doesn’t get off on the secretive aspects of sex. He may already enjoy sex with very few self imposed boundaries. This doesn’t mean that he will want to jump right into an orgy, but it does mean that you should take advantage of his unrestrained mindset by injecting seduction into activities you already enjoytogether. Try seducing him while you’re together on a hike or take an amorous camping trip. Pack gourmet food and wine that enhances romance and bring along sexy lingerie or a string bikini for the river; then be prepared, because the sun and the outdoors are perfect places for a man to relax into his sexual world. In relaxing his daily responsibilities, his libido will amp up. So get ready for fireside sex or river edge sex or fishing trip sex or hiking sex or spelunking sex. You get the picture. Create memories by integrating the intimacy the two of you share with an environment that is already both beautiful and memorable.
W
hat were his choices in other women – does he like blonds or redheads? Does he like women who wear tight clothing or tomboy types? All of this information can be used to seduce him.First, think about you. Have you ever wanted to be a sexy redhead? And you say your man likes redheads? Great! Make an appointment with a colorist and go red! Or go blond and see if they really do have more fun. You say your man likes high heels but your highest heels are your two inch work pumps? Then go shopping for some sexy outfits that you only wear around your man or in the bedroom for his pleasure. Another aspect of this character change requires you to be a lot bolder. In role play you would wear a wig and costume like clothes which will establish a fantasy scenario in your bedroom. If you have decorations to further set the mood, use them. Then literally adopt the personality, accent and demeanor of your fantasy character with your choice of wig and costume. Are you a chamber maid from old Britain or France? Then
act like it; be demure, be apologetic and consent to any of the Master’s wishes. Behave like his beck and call girl. If you want, speak with an accent. You may even want to wear a special perfume for your fantasies so that the “you” he is having sex with is completely different from the daily you he sees doing laundry or picking up around the house. Be different, but still you. Someone he cares about and knows, but also someone who excites him in a brand spanking new way.
W
hat were the reasons he broke up with his last girlfriend? Using conversation find out if he wanted to try things sexually that she was opposed to. Through conversation you can determine his intentions for the activity he was unable to experience and still have space inside of your own mind to decide whether or not it’s an activity you would undertake – with him. If it is, then discuss doing it with him or just set up a time to do it and surprise him. While women continuously grow emotionally, men match our advancement by allowing their sexual imaginations to grow. As a woman, we may still be thinking that our man enjoys the missionary position, while our man has been thinking about pulling our skirt up and screwing us up against a wall for awhile now.O
ne of the best things you can do with your man is to talk about sex with him. Not in a clinical discussion, but in an erotic one. Use the language of love – in MANSPEAK. The truth about discussing sex with your man is this, even while we're all speaking the same language, we're using completely different words. If you want to master your man sexually, you will need tostart by conquering the language barrier. Men do not call their penis' a wiener, or even a penis, they call it a dick, a cock or a member. Similarly, men do not think of the areas on a woman's body in politically correct terms. They think of your breasts as boobs or tits, your vagina as a pussy. The phrase to initiate sex is not, “Do you want to be intimate with me.” It’s “Please baby, f*ck me.” I know how this might sound to you. But to your man these words sound hot. So if you want to relate to your man, get over the flush of embarrassment you may feel at the words he wants to hear. The language men use during sex or to describe sex themselves is not only more direct, it's more graphic. It's hardcore and it’s what they will respond to when you use it with them. It is also the language I have used throughout this book to help you grow more accustomed to the way men think about their own sexuality. So don’t be intimidated, use words with your man that you will never see on a greeting card. Speak up and say it loud and proud. “I want to get laid!”
And while you’re talking to him, tell him what your fantasies are. Ask him about his. Tell him what you like about the things he does sexually to you. Tell him how he makes you feel using key words like, hot, sexy, hard, intense, baby, mine, yes and more. While you’re having sex say little things, like “F*ck me” or “More” or “I love that, don’t stop.” With one boyfriend I had there was a night where all I said was “Yes” to him. While we were having sex, I would ask him to say “Yes” to everything. Every time I would do something, switch to being on top, or going down on him, I would ask him, “Yes?” and he would nod, but then I’d say, “Say yes.” and he would answer “Yes.” I played this
