When Connecting
is Difficult:
Functional Strategies to
Strengthen Your Bond
A little about me:
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I'm a BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst) who has been in the field
since 2004 and a BCBA since 2011.
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My main interests in the field are Trauma Informed Behavior Analysis, sexual
education and relationships and social skills.
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For the last eight years, I have focused my work on individuals who have an
intellectual disability, autism and have experienced trauma.
Objectives of this training:
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Understand the fundamental characteristics of Autism, attachment disorders,
and other disabilities specifically regarding social skills and emotions.
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Explore and understand how these dynamics impact building relationships
with loved ones and new people.
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Learn practical and trauma informed interventions to help caregivers connect
with their child and understand how to work with their needs and behaviors,
instead of working against them.
Let's share our own experiences!
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If you have any specific questions or scenarios to share, please make sure to
submit them so I can address the questions near the end of the class.
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We learn best by working through actual scenarios that we can visualize and
process together.
•
Most importantly, other people are likely experiencing similar issues. You're
not in this alone!
Some Common Myths About Autism
It is important to note that these myths are often applied to individuals with Reactive Attachment Disorder and Trauma, as well.
Myths:
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People with autism don’t want
friends or to connect with others.
Truth:
•
They probably struggle with social skills,
which may make it difficult to interact with
peers. They might seem shy or unfriendly,
but that’s just because he or she is unable
communicate their desire for relationships
the same way you do.
Myths continued..
Myth:
•
People with autism can’t feel or
express any emotion—happy or
sad.
Truth:
•
Autism doesn’t make an individual
unable to feel the emotions you
feel, it just makes the person
communicate emotions (and
perceive your expressions) in
different ways.
Myths continued...
Myth:
•
People with autism can’t understand the emotions of others.Truth:
•
Autism often affects an individual’s ability to understand unspoken interpersonal communication, so someone with autism might not detect sadness based solely on one’s body language or sarcasm in one’s tone of voice. But, when emotions are communicated more directly, people with autism are much more likely to feelMyths continued...
Myth:
•
Once someone has a diagnosis, there is
not a lot you can do to help or
"change" them.
Truth:
•
This myth can sometimes be the most
damaging. A diagnosis does not
determine the fate of someone's
life. There are a variety of therapies,
environmental supports and support
from loved ones and their peers that
can help each person reach their goals
and build very meaningful
Have you ever thought that you just can't
connect with your child?
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For starters... You are not alone!
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Parents often report this to be so overwhelming and can make a person feel like they are failing no matter how hard they try.•
It can feel like the harder you try, the worse it can get.
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Children typically "lash out" the most to the people they feel most safe around.•
Their behaviors are often saying, "Can you handle me?", "When are you going to give up?", "I can't predict what you will do so I will take control of things myself."So what do we do with all this information?!
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Create and foster a sense of FELT SAFETY!
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Felt safety can be different from the actual safe environment you provide for your child. Here are some examples...•
I highly recommend reading The Connected Child by Karen Purvis. Here is a link to chapter four of her book that really goes into detail a lot of the themes we are talking about today!• http://child.tcu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/The-Connected-Child-Chapter-Four.pdf
P.A.C.E.
Dan Hughes: https://ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/
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P: PLAYFULNESS
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This is about creating an atmosphere of lightness and interest when you communicate. It’s about having fun, and expressing a sense of joy.•
A: ACCEPTANCE
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Acceptance is about actively communicating to the child that you accept the wishes, feelings, thoughts, urges, motives and perceptions that are underneath the outward behavior.PACE focuses on the whole child,
not simply the behavior.
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C: CURIOSITY
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With curiosity the adults are conveying their intention to simply understand why and to help the child with understanding. The adult’s intentions are to truly understand and help the child, not to lecture or convey that the child’s inner life is wrong in some way.•
E: EMPATHY
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The adult is demonstrating that he or she knows how difficult an experience is for the child. The adult is telling the child that she will not have to deal with the distress alone.Fun Activities to Help Build Relationship and
Improve Social Skills!
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Hide a small reinforcer in your house
and use your body langauge/ eye
contact as a way for your child to find
the item. Similar to hot/cold game.
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This teaches that there is value in other people's faces and you can get your needs met simply by looking at other people.•
Create a scavenger hunt for your
house or the mall that challenges
your child to go outside of their
comfort zone in a way that is fun
and low pressure.
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These goals could involve trying a new food at the food court, asking someone for help, picking out a small gift for the other person, etc.Activities continued...
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Netflix! Watch an episode of
something that can highlight a specific
skill or struggle you want to support
your child in.
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This activity builds tolerance for waiting, sharing space with an adult and a natural way to process and explore scenarios without feeling pressured talk about the child's own direct experiences.•
10 questions!
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Similar to the Newlyweds Game, you create a list of ten questions that you each answer and share to see how well you know one another. Some questions may be light hearted and superficial while others may be more pointed such as "What is something that is gaurenteed to make you mad?"Activities continued...
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Silent Ball:
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For some kids, the pressure of talking and sharing can be too much. Get in a circle and throw a good sensory ball around where the only rules are...you can't make any noise and you have to be safe when throwing. Also, this targets non verbal communication!•
Art Projects:
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Create a family art project where each person has a specific contribution and have to work together in order to have a final product.•
Allow the child to take the lead. Try not to correct and only guide if they appear like they are stuck.Setting up Structure and Consistency
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Build a routine where your child knows they are guaranteed quality time
together. Lets child know that they don’t have to “fight” for attention!
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Build a predictable schedule, especially around meal times!
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It’s also okay if the schedule does not always work out…because you know...life!•
Build in time where you can just say YES!
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Play the yes game where you have fun questions or requests where you can meet their needs.Closing Thoughts:
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Each child is different. Their experiences are their own and there is no one parenting guide
that will explain how to best support your child!
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What works for one child, may have a different effect on another.•
Be patient and know that this can be a lifelong journey for your child. There can be lots of successes followed by an unforseen regression. Stay the course!•
It's easy to say "Don't take things personal" but it is much harder to practice this sentiment in every day life.• Please take the time to care for yourself and give yourself the space to feel what you need to feel!