THE MAGAZINE THAT DARES TO BE DUMB

THE MAGAZINE THAT DARES TO BE DUMB

—

the winning entry to our

PffAW THE BABY HULK" ^CONTEST f

OUR EOlTORS WENT THROUGH ALL THE" GREAT DRAWINGS YOU READERS 5ENT IN AND DEC/DEO

THE BEST ONE WAS SENT TO US BY...

... 8UCK 8£#Ry///U, OF LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS' BUCK'S GOING TO BE FEATURED IN THIS ISSUE'S EPISODE

OF T&&/V MUlKv WHICH/ INCIDENTALLY, THAT LITTLE PEST _i BOBBY AND ME I^^WERE WRITTEN

OUT OF...

..THINK I'LL RENEGOTIATE

contract/

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TURN PAGE/

REAP MAGAZINE-'

THE MAGAZINE THAT DARES TO BE DUMB Vol. 1 No. 78 September 1981

LARRY HAMA MARIE SEVERIN JIM OWSLEY

editor art director managing editor

JOE ALBELO productionDANNY CRESPI production manager

MARIAN STENSGARD typographyBARRY SHAPIRO cover production

THEA KERMAN assistant counselMARVIN M. MALLARD cartoon editor

MILLIE SHU RIFF makes out the checksSUSAN EHRENREICH hands out the checks UNCLE SAM spends the checksOBNOXIO THE CLOWN complaints

WENDY MILLER the only person who actually reads the indicia

ROBERT CAROSELLA, SIR ELIOT BROWN, STU SCHWARTZBERG, RICK PARKER, JOHN MORELLI, DANNY LOUIE,

GASPAR THE WONDER PUPPY staff

BOB LARKIN cover STEVE SKEATES, MARIE SEVERIN back cover

Stan Lee presents

CRAZY MAGAZINE. VOL. 1 NO. 78, SEPTEMBER 1981 Issue. Published monthly by MARVEL COMICS GROUP, 575 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. All rights reserved.

Second Class postage paid al New York.

N.Y. and al additional mailing offices (U.S.P.S. 37IW90). Postmaster: send all address change forms fo CRAZY Subscription Dept, c/o above address.

Price: 90e in the U.S. and Canada. Sub¬

scription rales: $12.20 in the US..

$13.20 in Canada, and $14.20 for foreign subscriptions respectively for 12 issues Including postage. Printed In the U.S.A

•Super-Heroes’ is a trademark co¬

owned by the Marvel Comics Group. The names, characters, and/or institutions used in CRAZY fiction and semi-fiction are ficticious. Any similarity between them and any existing person or institu¬

tion (for olher than satirical purposes) Is purely coincidental. The editors of CRAZY MAGAZINE and MARVEL COMICS are not responsible for unsoli¬

cited submissions, as Obnoxio The Clown insists on using them for unmen¬

tionable purposes not pursuant to the

S

The editor will, however, accept appoint¬

ments from would-be professionals and give his honest opinion of their work.

Come prepared to grovel and debase yoursett. Don't say wo didn't warn you.

The editors are not responsible for letters sent to Obnoxio's Abuse Column, and we certainly aren't responsible for his replies. So. don't blame us if Mr. Clown slips you a wuff ticket.

This periodical may not be sold ex¬

cept by authorized dealers and Is sold subject to the conditions that it shall not be sold or distributed with any part of its cover or markings removed, nor In a mut¬

ilated condition. All business Inquiries should be sddreeeed to Ed Shukln, Vice-President of Circulation, 91h floor.

In This Issue:

DIRTY HARRY MEETS BEDTIME FOR BONZO

Any Ol’ Way To Make A Buck

(A Crazy Movie Parody).6 CRAZY GROSS ENCOUNTERS

Part 1: Big Top Boffs.12 Part 2: More Big Top Boffs.. 28 Part 3: Still More Big Top Boffs.44 MEAN GREEN TEEN

Teen Hulk.13 DIRK McGIRK’S BOOK REPORT

The Adventures Of Tom Synder

and Huckleberry Hownd.16 FANTASY VS. REALITY

Part 1:.18 Part 2:.25 WE WARNED YOU!

The Orphanage At Dreary Knolls .19 WHAT WEARS AN APRON AND

GLOWS IN THE DARK?

Aunty Nuke.23 MIDWAY MANIA

Crazy Looks At A Carnival.26 MURDEROUS MINORS IN MOTION

The Kinetic Kids.29 MORE MARVEL SUPER-HEROES

THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT

Nuff Said!.32

Copyriqhtf 1981 by:

Marvel Comics Group A Division Of:

Cadence Industrial Corporation James E. Galton

President Stan Lea Publisher Mika Hobson Vice-President. Publishing

Jim Shooter EdItor-in-Chlef Milt Schltfman Vice President. Production

WHAT’S GREY, EATS PEANUTS, AND CAN WIN YOU A FREE SUBSCRIPTION?

Crazy Contest #2.36 PARENTAL MANIPULATION FOR FUN

AND PROFIT

Freud For Kids.37 PERVERSE PUZZLES

Obnoxio's Fun Pages . 40 ROCK 'N ROLL REPTILE

Behemoth Jack.42 NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

Lou Grunt

(A Crazy T.V. Parody) .45

3

JR. MEETS THE ELEPHANT MAN Dear Crazy,

Issue #74 was my first issue. It was disgusting. Your satire on The Elephant Man was stupid, as was your T.V. satire on Dallas. "Crazy Cars Of The Future" was dumb, and, another thing, you fools are really mean. You trash lovers really know how to hurt people; The Kinetic Kids and Obnoxio ‘s Fun Pages are prime examples of this. I will never buy such trash again! 1 spent 75« on a bum's magazine. No wonder you get a lot of complaints about such garbage. Mad and Sick are a lot funnier than your magazine is! Larry Hama (your dumb editor) probably still wets his pants. Also, his mother wears army boots to church. Your better print this letter you fools.

1) Your parody of The Elephant Man - although it’s not a joking matter. The story of The Elephant Man is actually true.

2) The Kinetic Kids - I’m a real fan of theirs, although you could improve them a little bit.

3) Your Dallas parody -The art was ex¬

cellent, but please don’t portray J.R.

quite so meanly (he actually did the dishes fw/celast month).

4) Howard The Duck - I’m sick and tired of seeing him stranded in another dimension! Couldn’t you at least try to bring him down to earth?

5) Obnoxio - Although I like his section, you could try to dress him up a bit.

All in all, I’d like to applaud you for making Crazy the best humor magazine on earth!

Jeffrey Parks Fairfax, VA.

Dear Crazy,

I loved your issue #74, it was great. I liked the Crazy movie parody "The Ele- phink Man". Bob Camp and Paul Kupperberg did a great job on it. Kent Gamble and Murad Gumen also did a great job on “Dull As".

Mark Nierling Cedar Rapids, IO.

Crazy,

I gotta congratulate you on your

"...Elephink Man". That was real neat.

But, by far the best feature is Obnoxio (and his perverse puzzles). That obscene dude Dawn Carpenter

Orlando, FL.

Dear Crazy People,

The humor in your magazine is not particularly original. It is, however, realist¬

ic, and therefore amusing, for there is little in modem-day real life which is not deserv¬

ing of parody. Your subtle satire of the schlock that fills most of our waking moments allows us to be more fully aware of what mass media constantly attempts to do to our minds.

I got a question, though. Since J.R.

got to play Major Nelson and take off into space, why didn’t Bobby get to play Mark Harris and jump in the water?

Dian Hardison Virginia Beach, VA.

Dear Crazy,

Here are what I consider to be the most outstanding things about issue #74:

4

adds real zest to your magazine. Without him you’re nothin’.

Mark Ginnin Nassau The Bahamas I’m better In th* Bahamas.

—O.T.C.

Dear Crazy,

Your magazine is great! Issue #74 was real neat! My favorites were "The Elephink Man", "The Modern Major Worrier", "The Funny Difference A Few Years Can Make", and "DullAs". Your subscription price is reasonable, but that’s not why I subscribed; I subscribed because your magazine is great!

Kit Lively Lewisville, TX.

Not only that. Kit, but if you check our subscription ad on page 50, you‘II find that we've got a special deal for new subscribers. It's for a limited time only, people, so check it out. By the way, other

"Elephink"—ers include John Chaney of Pikevilles, AT.; Cheryl Longofardi of Levittown, N. Y.; David Riley of Lubbock, TX.; Dewey Poe of Jaspar, TN.; Eric Wilson of High Point, N.C.; Eddie Kos of Wallington. N.J.; Kristi Lombardi of N. Y., N. Y.; Elana Hammond of Reading, P.A.; and Sweet Satterfield of Falls City.

OR. —Ed.

POSTAL POSTLUDES Dear Crazy,

Your “••gazine” would be perfect if you had two things: artists and writers.

Bob Denver, CO.

Dear Crazy,

I recently read a very annoying letter written to your somewhat sophisticated magazine. It was about your disgusting taste in humor. Why do people insist on writing a hate letter about their child reading such “trash”? If the child is old enough to fully read an article, he is also old enough to understand that it’s only humor, not a magazine sent from hell. You have yet to disobey one Commandment in your magazine, so 1 don’t think you’ll live in eternal darkness, as Susan proclaimed.

Daniel Jackson Vicksburg, ML

OBNOXIO’S ABUSE COLUMN

Dear Obnoxio,

I think you look like the bottom of an abused ash tray. I bet your mother has the complexion of a dump truck. If my dog had a face like yours I would shoot him to take him out of his misery. Also, I bet your fa¬

ther was a brick layer. Further more (sic) if you don’t print my letter I’ll sew (sic) so help me, I'll sew!

Todd Whitescarver Springfield, MO.

You'll sew, huh? Wanna borrow a needle 'n thread? Ya like t' sew, Tod- dsie? Huh? How about knittin’? You’re probably a whiz at needlepoint. Do ya bake, too? Well? Ya like to do the wash, Toddsie? I’ll bet your room is al¬

ways clean. You probably dress funny, too. Do ya wear cute colors like yellow and pink? Huh? Do ya wrap yer sweat¬

er around yer shoulders? Think that’s cool, huh? I'll bet the thought of wor- kln' on yer dad’s car scares va t’death.

You'll probably get yer fingernails dirty.

As fer yer dog, If he’s in such mis¬

ery, why don'tcha knit him a hat or sumthin'. That way, when you an' yer girl are out walkin' him, folks’ll be able t'tell which Is which. I’ll bet yer girl Is tall an’ skinny an' wears glasses. Do ya make her wear a paper bag over her head? You should. You probably can’t wait to take yer next bath, can you?

Well, g'wan. I’m done with ya. —O.T.C.

Address all hate mail to: "Obnoxio's Abuse Column ", do the address below (and if you send us your picture, he'll make fun of that, too!).—Ed.

Warning: Sanding letters lo this column Indlcala* fha Bandar's willingness to be abused. Publicly. Where all tire Bender s friends and relatives cen see. Right here. And, H you don’t write your name and address on the letter, we won’t even look at It. So there.

HALLQREN’S HOTRODS Dear Crazy,

I read issue If74. I liked the "Crazy Cars Of The Future". I really liked the

"2000 Lincoln Logmobile Limousine" It would be neat to drive on the road. It would be like a home on the road. Like we say in Georgia, get your bulldog rolling.

Billy Rule Norcorss, GA.

Dear Crazy,

"Crazy Cars Of The Future", in issue tflA, was great! My favorite was the

"Lincoln Logmobile Limousine". Next time, do a piece about planes of the future.

Jimmy Foo Philadelphia, PA.

Dc<ir Crszy

In issue tflA, the "Crazy Cars Of The Future" was funny, funny, funny;

especially the "1997 Ponitiac Grand Pint"

coupe, and the ”1999 American Volkswagon Beetle-beetle".

Casper Thomas Las Vegas, NV.

Dear Crazy,

I really enjoyed your "...Cars Of The Future"; especially the "1999 Chevrolet Shovette"\ And Crazy Gross Encounters was a blast.

Kile Wayne Stewart Palmyra, OH.

Dear Crazy,

I would like to know how much you’re asking for "The Khrys/er Bailout", on the back cover of issue If74. Please send order forms.

Ronald Blanchard Barton, VT.

MISANTHROPIC MISSIVES Dear Crazy,

Hey, howcum you guys left Steve Skeates’ credit line off the Mostest Hinkles add in issue lf!51 If you ask me, that was a very good script and Steve de¬

serves all the credit he can get. So, get it together, willya?

Sincerely, Steve Skeates’ Mom Vacationing in Arizona Dear Crazy,

Steve Skeates is better than Ed. (the guy who answers the letters), whoever Ed.

may be. I like Steve a lot more than I like Ed.

Steve Skeates’ Other Other Fan K. Ncjos Chicago, IL.

Oh yeah? Well so what? —Ed(itor).

Yo Crazy,

I’ve read 73 of. your magazines, but who’s counting?

David Rodiak Lubbock, TX.

Accountants, Clerks, the I.R.S.. and your draft board. --Ed.

FINGER VS. FINGER Dc£ir Crazy,

I think "Finger Vs. Finger" was really neat. Index was really banged up, and Lady Finger left a stupid letter. By the way, how did you make Index ride a bike? .

Jennifer Smiley Forks, WA.

Patience was the rule of thumb. —Ed.

Dear Crazy,

I want to compliment you guys for the terrific article about The Finger Family in issue If!A. I hope you keep on having The Finger Family in future issues.

Brad Ahrens Birmingham, MI.

Dear Crazy,

In issue tTlA, there were three things that I hated. They were The Finger Family,

"DullAs", and "TheElephinkMan". But I really liked The Kinetic Kids and Obnoxio‘s Fun Pages.

Tyler Richards Charles City, IA.

Letters

djgESS

MRWZlINE

GrolJP

OMj CS

100 12

5

You’ve got to hand it to that Clint Eastwood-- when Western films were popular, he was a cowboy...

when detective flicks were big box office, he put away his sombrero for a .44 Magnum. And now that the “Good-oI’-boy-chase-fUm” is big, Clint’s making like Burt Reynolds. Yep, gotta hand it to him,

’cause he’ll do anything

Writer. Paul Kupperberg Artist: Bob Camp

Put up yer dukes, punk! And no hittin' below the

belt!

He's dah one who give us five bucks each tah cheer fer him!

C'mon, Melvin Kloddenkeppe- moiderth’ bum!

Youse kin do It, Kloddenkeppe!

Kloddenkeppe's number one in

my book!

Hey- which one'a dem’s Kloddenkeppe?

«? mV

g37v<i -tX- f7

It's lucky for you I ain’t fighting

fair or you might get hurt! GLORK! Ah-hal Take that... and that... and that... and etcertera!

Dahh, I don't like tah be hit in dah head- it, dud, makes me... urn...

er... it makes me... uhhh... Stupid?

Pardon me, ma'am, but do you take requests? It ain’t safe for a pretty young thing in a place like that!

Hey! Where'reyou taking me...?!

Well, since you took the trouble to fly in,

I guess so!

Good... then will you

please untie me?!? 1 can take care of myself, buster!

GROSS ENCOUNTERS PARTI

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SCRAM/

..me

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17

THE MORTIFYING REALITY..,

..AND THE BREATH TAKING FANTASY

She has the grace and

style of a thoroughbred!

m '‘mi

Writer & Artist: Mary Wiishire

Geography homework

got

enough

ear

<■ 7 "Co get to Dismal Acres School, You make a left by Liverpool ,

Down Plngy Row, then take a train, lip Preary Street to Shabby Lane.

I

A vague Foreboding fills the air, A dreadful kind of du.iL despair...

A combination, more or less.

Of hunger , cold, and. wretchedness .

"Che Bloodworts are the Proctors here ,

"Chough some might find, their manner queer.

One somehow feels It’s their intention

"Co practice acts too vile to mention.

"Che Janitor’* a. reprobate . It’* called. "Applied. Pjychology.”

XKe SKop Instructors look like thugs, Like , "When you cannot lead, the mind., n from behind.

"Che older boys abuse the young' Lheir sleeves are always smeared, with snot. And

go

One thin, blanket, full of holes. Rub* and laws and. imprecations ...

IS

**

”

you

20

Sick call comes up every* morning'.

BePore you. go, a word, of warning.,.

If you start to look pathetic,

“Chey’ll Just give you. an emetic.

After our morning bowl of slops•

“Chey march us off to work in. shops.

We slave all day within, these grottoes, mottoes.

Coat* everything you have, In time.

It covers up the howls and. plates, Gets In the creases oP your Face.

A cup of gruel, a cruat of bread., Some other stuff that looks like pork,

"Chat squirms and. writhes upon, your fork . Other days we shovel coals ,

Or dig great ruddy whopping holes With rusty spoons and. little cups, And. then the next day fill them up.

Mights with thieving and skulduggery jSven. as you read this verse ,

“thing* have gone from bad to worse .

21

MEN

JUULJ

Mlilitfiamsmii

Amy goi a. doll one day

And brought it back with her to play But when, the dogs got wind of it,

"Chey tore the little thing to bits.

Osgood, got Consumptive fits . Into his little cup he’d spit.

He worked beside me, pale and wan.,

"Cill one sad morning, he -was gone.

Edna's dad told her to wait For just a minute by the gate,

While he went through a door marked "AUn And never came back out again.

Hay was always such a brat...

A stubborn, la*y little rat.

"there's an empty bed right next to Hay Pid yOU clean up your room today ?

So do your homework every night , Be thoughtful) honest and polite . Respect your folks and keep them near Be glad youre there instead of here .

“Che Orphan Wagon’s cruising by , So keep a sharp and watchful eye . OF ingrate kids they keep a list, Who by their Families won’t be missed 22

In the never ending battle of trying to find truth and justice in the American way - it’s Aunty Nuke! Once a mild-mannered housewife, now in mid-life, along with the Gee Whiz Kids, she's breaking away and taking off!

AUNTY? INIUKE

Writer: Susan Bissett Artist: Steve Smallwood

Gee whiz.

Aunty Nuke didn'icha

hear us knocking at

the door?

Nuuooo Elmo, just a tappy- pooh here and there and my cancer filter machine will

be in tip top shape.

AAaahhh! That whining! I thought it was my machine, but it's worse, it's just you lovies clambering

into my kitchen again.

It certainly is Evita. It's sooo tiresome having to plan my dee-licious lour course

meals around nasty cancer reports from that horrid F.D.A.

Is this another one of your fun inventions?

So with this cancer filter machine Aunty can banish all those ugly cancer-poohs from her menus for

ever and ever!

Oh my! What have I done?

Those dread-a-ful screams! I cannot bear it! I'd better do something to

save...

Gee Aunty Nuke I sure wish we could

help. If me and Evita had

cancer you could try your machine out on

us.

Goodbye lit¬

tle cancers.

.my machine!

T

Elmo isn’t It neat of Aunty Nuke to let us be in on her experiments?

Yeah Evita, this one’s more fun than going

through the rinse cycle like

the last time!

■J Oats

her!

L

1 *v*7 da one tryin'ta 1 r*. destroy us! s

Sir

Oh noool Mutant

cancer food!

ST

m

Polyunsaturate us, will you!?

We’ll cover your carcass with carcinoma!

V

Over my dead bod

4&1

I'll brighten those tushies tomato red when

I catch you lovies!

,•* <

Evita, isn't Aunty Nuke the greatest? I mean who else would try and save us

from getting cancer?

Yeah Gosh that food sure is YUCKYH

r

i m 43

’V;..

And now for my latest recipe, blend at high speed until smoothy-just-like-so, and pour

into six trash bags! Bon appetlt!

Gee whiz Aunty Nuke we'd love to stay and help ya clean up but we gotta run

now!

Hooraaay!!! ^{•6^}

tHiTri

END

THE COURAGEOUS FANTASY...

His dossier indicates he is responsible for subverting several of our best agents...

Tell us! Tell us the key to the code!

Is this true?

Give us the details!

This is no good. He won't break,

he's too

tough! I don’t know

anything!

...AND THE CRAVEN REALITY

25

CRAZY Looks A

Oh yeah? What makes you think I've got the

game rigged, kid?

sa®S Maaaa g m ra m a

Boss - one of the lions just escaped from

his cage!!

Wha...?!? That beast is deadly-

•some of these kids might be killed!

You’re right, sir

•-- we have to look at the bright

side of this!

The man who runs the Hall of Mirrors said Frieda is too

ugly to go into the place! Boy, that was a nasty

crack!

Yep - that's exactly what he

said she'd give his mirrors!

Uh-uh... no hot dogs for

me -- I'm a vegetarian! Since when?

Since I saw those hot dogs!

Man, that's one spooky Fun House! You should see some of the horrible looking creatures

they've got in there!

This isn't a Fun House. Harry --

it's the Hall of Mirrors!

Seymour's not a very exciting date -- he asked for a seatbelt on

the Merry-Go-Round!

I can grant you any wish

you desire!

Yeah? How are you at turning somebody

into a toad?

Him?! It looks like someone beat me to it!

Carnival

Artist:

Ned Sonntag

Boy, that Whip is some crazy ride! My head is

still spinning... I can't even think straight!

So what else is

new?

Gee. you look awfully happy, Debbie.

Did you just find a new boyfriend?

No, I just lost an old one -- Melvin can’t find his way out of the Fun House!

Lemme tell you, this place is such a dump that the elephants

turned it down when they were looking for a place to die!

Why'd you take that teddy bear from Nelson when he wasn’t

looking, man?

I figured he would’ve seen me if I took

it while he was looking, dummy!

I've never been to a Carnival like this one before!

I figured you'd want 1o see the Freak Show - someplace

you can feel at home with!

What gave you the idea to take me to the

Carnival, Dennis?

What's so different about

the others?

They were interesting!

Hey, mister, I wanna run away from home and

join the CarnivallDo you have a job for me?

Naw --we already got all the chimps

we can use!

GROSS ENCOUNTERS PART 2

28

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30

MORE

FROM THE

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H E RO ES

THAT DIDN'T QUITE

MAKE IT

BY

PAUL KIRCHNER

HIS BLOOD PRESSURE RAISES... AND A TERRIBLE CHANGE.

OCCURS ...

MORRIS MEEKLY BECOMES...

WHERE'S MV STEAK—YOU COOKING- IT OR SENDING- IT TO COLLEGE?I? A GUV COULD*

STARVE TO DEATH WAITING- FOR SERVICE IN THIS PLACE!! X LOST EIGHT POUNDS SINCE 1 BEEN HERE!! WHAT IS THIS,A RESTAURANT OR A WEIGHT LOSS CLINIC?!? HEy-YOU GUVS ARE SLOW ENOUGH TO WORK FOR THE POST OFFICE!! THEY^JS-ET BETTER SER¬

VICE AT ATTICA l! IV1 ACTION AT THE CIT&

YOU A WAITER OR*

WHOSE HEAD DO I P/j TO GET SOME It,

AROUNO J

is this,

OF THE MS I Ajifv SOMEOJlr M

\ SEEN MORE

\MORG-UE!AR£

La mannequin?

GOTTA BUST W SERVICE /HERE?! WHAT

4 .

WHEN BRUCE BUMMER.

TOUR GUIDE AT THREE-MILE ISLAND,

WAS BITTEN BV A RADIOACTIVE OPOSSUM, HE BECAME,.. ,

POSSUM MAN! /

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m

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POSSUM MAN CAN CRUSH ALUMINUM BEER CANS!

POSSUM MAN CAN BREAK PENCILS! POSSUM MAN CAN THUMB'WRESTLE SANDY PUNCANTO A STANDSTILL!

FOR POSSUM MAN HAS THE PROPORTIONATE STRENGTH OF AN OPOSSUM!

ALONG- WITH SUPER-STRENGTH, POSSUM MAN HAS A DISTINCTIVE LONG, PINK, HAIRLESS TAIL !

UHVIH

IS®

V '■'<> I

p^il

POSSUM MAN'S GREATEST POWER IS HIS ABILITY TO “PLAY POSSUM" WHEN FACED WITH DANGER!

LIKE ALL GREAT HEROES, POSSUM MAN HAS A FATAL FLAW...HE MUST FOREVER BATTLE THE URGE TO RUN OUT IN THE

EVER WONDER HOW THOSE ARCH-VILLAINS KEEP COMING BACK ISSUE AFTER ISSUE TO POTHEIR

DIRTY DEEDS'? THEY'D BE IN STIR TILL DOOMSDAY IF IT WEREN’T FOR —

_ 1

HE OPENS POORS-1 HE HAILS CABS!

HE

ACCEPTS

GRATUITIES'

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ALL WEEK. LONG- SHE'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT MRS. PRIMROSE'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS-, BUT COME THE WEEKEND, THEY CALL HER--

Jijb^ ^{^}

♦ 1 ih\;

Jj ^{Lf »JA}

"THE COMMUTER .3 ^ma

UlLROAD

LIKE SOME GREAT, METALLIC, HELL-SPAWNEP SERPENT IT STANDS—THE 8-OZ, BOUND FOR FABLED PENN STATION...

BUT A FIGURE RUNS,PANTHER¬

LIKE, TOWARD IT.,,NONE DARE BLOCK HIS PATH... FOR THIS MAN IS CALLED CONAN...

CONAN THE COMMUTER

MIGHTY BARBARIAN THEWS STRAIN TO HOLD

BACK THE CLOSING DOOR!

FETID SWEAT GLISTENS ON HIS SUN-BRONZED . BATTLE-HEWN BROW...

AND THEN... HE’S IN'.

CONAN'S SINEWY TEETH GLINT WITH PLEASURE AS HE GAZES, COW-LIKE, UPON THE SPIRES OF FAIR YONKERS.

BUT FOR A BLACK-MANED BARBARIAN, THERE ARE BETTER SIGHTS THAN CITIES ON WHICH TO REST HIS GAZE... A LISSOME WENCH BEING ONE...

DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?

ARE YOU A MODEL? YOU GOTTA BOYFRIEND? PIPJA ) CHECK OUT MY THEWS? /

^msnss&s&smi

SORRY, SCUM, THERE'S NO

ESCAPE PROM ME...

PlivEW*^SS.V

®UJsES WOUU?

BRU\SE5 vv THE my C^CpJ0MtNG- n pA&£*NT

g>ou*

SZstiBSS?

^PLgSTEgV MlcROBE

THIS GIANT SLINGSHOT, ON DISPLAY AT A SPORTING- GOODS STORE, IS JUST WHAT I NEED TO CATCH UP WITH THAT CROOK!

I'LL BREAK MY FALL ON THIS TRUCKLOAD OF MATTRESSES, JUST IN FRONT OF THE GETAWAY

CAR!

WHAT IS PIS?

BUT A LOAD OF NAILS SPILLED BY A CARELESS CONSTRUCTION CREW FLATTENS ALL THE CAR'S TIRES IN AN INSTANT!!

Why do elephants paint their toes pink?”

To hide in cherry trees!”

Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?”

See! It works!”

JUST FILL OUT A POSTCARD WITH YOUR NAME AN’ADRESS, AN' TH' FUNNIEST ELEPHANT JOKE YA CAN SQUEEZE OUTTA THAT TINY BRAIN OF YOURS !

ONLY POSTCARPS WILL BE ACCEPTED

LIKE

TH/S, MOROH) ! CM ON GUYS...YA CALL

THAT

I'VE READ FUNNIER CONDOLENCE TELE¬

GRAMS FROM THE DEPT. OF TH' ARMY/

LISTEN , GANG, WE ALU KNOW YOU CAN

DO BETTER'N THESE LAME-O'S ANYTIME ! WELL, NOW'S TH'TIME

T * PROVE IT/

OUR EDITORS WILL JUDGE TH' CONTEST, AND THEIR DECISION IS FINAL ...TH'

GETS A

YOCKNA0/

(

THAT IS. J

RUNNER-UPS WILL OET THE ^ NOTORIOUS MARVEL NO-PRIZE

AN' HAVE THEIR SECOND-RATE ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR HELD UP FOR PUBLIC RIDICULE ! IF YA DON’T WIN, AND YOU'RE NOT A RUNNER- UP, YOU CAN TELL »T TO T H'

MARINFAI

Address all entries to:

CRAZY CONTEST #2 MARVEL COMICS GROUP

575 MADISON AVENUE NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10022

All entries must be received by mid¬

night July 31, 1981. Results of Crazy Contest #2 will appear In Crazy #81, on safe in October. Void where prohi¬

bited by law.

36

You’ve heard of FREUD before. But do you know what it means? That’s *

wllf*'. right, Freud’s not an IT, but a real live guy—well, dead now, but very

** important to your future none the less! And if you aren’t sure why, then you need to read our CRAZY EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL EDITION OF...

uwv

v AftTfCLEi

BECAUSE by the time most kids find out about Freud, they are in college—which is too latel By then, you’ve been warped and twisted by parents and siblings (that's L Freudian for brothers and sisters) for eighteen years! VZw'

*

\<A

L f \ x*

Besides, why wait that long for revenge? You can have it right nowand without having to read all those heavy

\ books.

* 5fi Vvf \

By following the les¬

sons herein you will be on your way to World Domination.

|J^8utfirst, some history...

$fanutn6^reu£>

'Vicuna (1856-1939)

That is, he was the first shrink! Before Freud, no one wor-

ried about weaning, wfc toilet training, or

sibling rivalry (id est taking candy from baby brother)—

these things just happened. Then Freud decided that these experiences make people crazy—even if they can’t remember them!

Inhere Sid^Srev-b's idea* comejrom?

One night in 1868, Freud's mom caught him puffing on a big cigar. Young Sigmund had to think fast...

idhif you

dot thing?

Qee,JJlutter,jdunno... j of felt likie itf J guess'.

Wfuiupu mean bu cuff ink me Oot krudf'Hou could anyone feel Ufa chink sued 3 disgushnk fhing!?

TUell, 3'm glad you a&tl If ousee, Ttfaen 3 toasts very small

~ Jjfelt lonely und fcold

Writer: Dana Kadlson Artist: Van Howell 37

200,000 cigars later, he was dead from mouth cancer. But Freud is remembered for much more than his bad habits. He extended his theory to explain why everybody does strange things. And people believed him! It became fashionable to be “in analysis" (that's Freudian for going to a shrink). More and more people started acting strangely, so they could lie on a couch and talk about dreams and memories. So now the world is full of...

k

/ jy OKAy

... and other nasty things. But that's not the only problem. B.F., kids could scare their parents into ^ k (d&sr.

giving them ice cream or taking them to a movie by throwing an extreme tantrum. Now all it gets 1 you is understanding. (

V SVSTfiJi Well, understanding and 60d will get you mugged in the subway.

Y

7

So, let’s take a closer look at how you can use Freud's basic principles to get your way. Y" —rreuv First there's... 6

Principle j ^{9 P +}

means “wound"in Greek. When something happens that upsets (or uoundjiyou, and.

each time you remember it youpt upset again, yoCee been trawatined.

'ICE-

Your parents do not want this to happen, because if it happens too often they lose face before their PEERS. (PEERS are peo¬

ple who are your age or have a lot in common with you. Your parents’ peers are other par¬

ents. Parents like to criticize other parents.)

5SI1RE

tHltO <| <. ,• ^ 4

m

So, the next time your mom takes your copy of CRAZY away from you, throw up.

Then everytime someone comes into the house, run, grab your mag, and scream bloody murder. Not only will this cause guilt in your parents, they will be so sick of the noise they’ll never take anything away from you again.

Try this Variation:

You can extend this trauma technique to any treasured ob¬

ject, as well as use it against things you hate.

Stutter everytime your mother puts spinach or pars¬

nips, turnips, or grits on the ta¬

ble. Although lima beans are just as disgusting, it's hard to stutter on the letter "L". Say the word "spinach" as many times

as possible during the meal stuttering each time. Branch out. Start stuttering when you see or talk about things that are associated with spinach, like Popeye, salad, green grass, okra, or zucchini. Remember, parents are not stupid.

m

CaUTioN: FAKiHd

Po NOT OVERDO ir-<* Vou-LL BEGIN having PAD i>R»MS,erc.,

WHICH MCAfO THE &&CTH/HG-.

38

Sst^Principle il

[Tiev Ulr;

..uh.jfc1

l mean, m,

k5i«p? Jm)

ALSO KNOWN AS

'Freudianslip

Not a garment, these words stand for slips of the tongue, pen or memory. Like when your father calls you by your pet hamster's name.

PRACTICE:

The next time this happens, stop torturing the cat, go up to the offending parent, look sor¬

rowfully into his eyes, and say

"Why do you love Sheldon more than you love me?" Sigh deeply, and suck your thumb.

Any father worth his salt is going to protest vehemently at this point, and also tell you to stop being ridiculous. It gets tricky here. You must be able to deliver the next line with a straight face, so practice it in front of a mirror:

Correct

delivery tn^ejj this line will 11

leave your

i

father dumb-^^^x^^^jfNlf j

and your mother ecstatic over your verbal virtuosity.

already too late.) The next time Mom gets on your case, just follow these steps

not those steps.

THESE steps:

m-

Np- Ife-M',!; v •>

mi mil

/(#

1. Acquiesce po¬

litely. This is good for shock value.

2. Go up to your room for five minutes and no longer. This creates a false sense of security in the typical mother.

eturn with some object and ask her where it goes.

You have a choice here:

play on her sentimentality or ner nerves, or both.

/ means that you let things happen to you.

rAGGR£55'V£'

For example, if you hit some¬

one, you are being aggressive.

But if you let someone hit you.

you are being passive, as well as a nerd.

Clever Freud recognized that the real trick is to be both things at once. In your case this means you

need to look like you're do- ing what your parents want, but really you are getting them to do what you want. This is also called MANIPULATION.

4. Bring your old report cards, term papers, and tests. Tell ner youj

uiiu i i ici yuu ''JW are getting rid of them,

5. She will tearfully tell you to - save them. Reply that there isn't any room in your desk because f the clay palm print you made for Veteran's Day.

Take your room (please!). If you are normal, your mother is always after you to clean it up. (If she isn't, then you are not normal, and reading this article will not help you. It is

6. Catch her when she's cooking a dinner for your father's boss. Mom will let you leave ev¬

erything until later.

7. If she doesn’t fall for the sentiment and in¬

sists, bring each object to her.

One of the secrets of mastering Freud islearning tn<

g

mental of all concepts to complete your education:

Guilt makes the world go round.

Meed we say more?

39

vspeswfc i y

AN' _

ANYONE

THAT CALLS

ME A'JERK

IN TH'BOX

Writer: Virgil Diamond Artist: Alan Kupperberg

If yer family smokes their brains out. yer lucky, 'cause you'll be able to collect enough butts from their ash trays to play...

t**i'I

-mm, 'wmv.

I tn /I §'**» I | - 4 » J 1

iv?H Ki«> I J Ijv *

tHKBUTT^

^ St 1 IF I # jp 1%

* pi p 4 M 1* I# '

“fcs I 1 ?W %= I % I* I % Si#r INSTRUCTIONS

1) Draw squares onto a piece o cardboard.

2) Color in every other square with a dark crayon.

3) Now you take th' cigarette butts, yer pal takes th' cigar butts, an' ya' start th tournament.

Rules are made to be broken, an' so are rulers! An' that's what ya' should tell yer teacher when she catches ya' playin'...

RULER

KARATE!

A good way to have fun while teamin' self-defense at th’ same time!

Balance a ruler between two chairs... _

If yer plannin' to become either a Door-To-Door Pen Salesman or a President when ya' grow up, then ya' gotta' learn how to be a con¬

vincing speaker. And th' best way to improve yer speech is by prac- ticin' these...

Teamwork gets a job done more efficiently, and if you unscramble the letters be¬

low, you’ll discover th' two names of a famous man/

woman bank robbin’ team who were firm believers in teamwork.

.... m ti

instructions

See how many times in a row you can say each Tongue Twister with out makin’ a mistake. Each day increase yer speed, an' keep a re cord of yer progress.

T.T. #1 - Peter Piper Picked A Peck Of Pickled Pimples.

T.T. #2 - She Stomps Sea Shells By The Seashore.

T.T. #3 - Fat Fritz Fumbled The Freakin’ Frog.

apAlo amuog :d3MSNV

wmmm

•/. Vw'///2B25r s /'/ti

This Is ITly Favorite Picture Of The Month!

-OSNOXIO THE CLOWN. r ^ —-) ^

"vifBtvn fcy 'Dctctoe. maversoo

Step By Step Method (1) Get a newspaper,

(2) draw a moustache on all th' ladies,

(3) draw devil's horns on all criminals.

(4) make a beard on all chi/dren, (5) blacken out 2 or 3 teeth from

man.

(X) Optional: stitches on the infirm.

mmm

HO HO Ho Ho HEP*

THESE ARE THE PUNCH¬

LINES OF MY

FAVORITE JOKES — O.T.C.

® "...well, push him over and eat your potatoes!"

"Yes... but where’s his wheelchair...?"

_ ..don’t wave it around

~

everyone else will want lX one too!"

"Fred Astaire's face!"

^ \r&«s> LiZ

1

^ „ UvuiA-

now s KICKS, cats & chicks? It’s the groovy green greaser... Behemoth Jack... bringing you.

THE

"L

m

Writer: David Allfkas Artist: Dave Morris eatunng tne coolest cuts in the Top iu...as

they sounded before eleventh-hour revisions!

These boys will go far... il they can keep their hair out of their eyesl

/

II

V

V '

II

*Reach your hand in you pocket

i

Save your lunch money for Bleatles buttons galore-

And we’ll make all our millions from you.

«

Then we can, by and by.

^ Bleed America dry;

/ And we’ll make all our millions from you.

All our millions

We will make from you;

All our millions Darling, we’ll accrue;

All our millions All our millions All our millions Then we’ll say adieuI

/

/

'to the tune of “All My Loving1

yj

All you hula hoopers

Pelvis Presley...

Diana Boss

Superiors!

rM*l

L

L

*Now though my bump-and-grinding Has helped my recordings sell After a show I have to sleep at Hipbreak Hotel

Hurts so badly-hurts so badly-hurts so badly That I could cry!

Well, Jerry Lee Is in there And Little Richard too;

They’ve tossed their hips so many times Their sides are turning blue!

They hurt so badly-oh so badly-oh so badly Waist to thigh!

If you're a rock 'n roller

Believe me, you'd do quite well To sing while seated, and steer clear of Hipbreak Hotel

Or you'll hurt so badly-and I'll hurt so badly-we'II hurt so badly

We could die!

*to the tune of

"Heartbreak Hotel"

Man...that guy's been at It since 19561

Glad

I

this

job another

Eight yea.

Sm

Er... later, gator!

GROSS ENCOUNTERS PART3

But I’m

dead

you who are interested, this is my

story...

I haven’t

always

city editor

for the

Trlb.

Hi. My name is

Lou Grunt,

dead

Grunt

Writer: Jim Owsley Artist: Kent Gamble

It all started a while ago, in the newsroom.

Okay,

Rossy,

things

first...

not

Harlem is

not

..and you

don't

“fathead” R-E-A-C

Mr.

Grunt...!

W'

&3BW

TtWi BPFSHB51

Billy, get over here! Some¬

thing big's come up.

.This Just came in off the

wire! ^{You're in} luck, Rossy. There's a big dis¬

turbance up at the nuclear plant, and I want you to cover it.

This week’s plot!

Okay, but don’t call me

“shortly"!

C’mon Animal.

...So, have they actually made any

demands yet? ment in the near future

Hey... look! One of those nuts is gon na make a statement!

Hey, Animal, I'm gettin' nowhere with these guys. I'm gonna call Lou. You get

some pictures.

.These trees are lovely!

1 ' ■ i

ll'f

Well, in actuality, there is Well, would you say those are leftist terrorists...?

AaaaccckklU!

Oh great! Lou's >

gonna have a bfr- ? by when he hears i

(hie Okay, coppers, I’ve cross-circuited

the plant’s controls to meltdown in one hour!

So? Whad- daya want?

A cookie?

We want...

Lou Grunt!

Okay, Mr.

Grunt... it's over now...

The reason I called you here, Mr. Grunt, is that I think you should got to the terrorists and end this madness.

Where's \

Think of the papers it’ll selll Certainly... think of the

good it'll do...

dunno. papers

it’ll sell!

since you put it that

• i Well, still...

if

kay, I'm here!

Now what?

Lou I It's really you I Gosh, it's good to see you again I

Huh? Who are you?

So, Lou, I’ve got to get rid of you once and for all! That's show-biz!

When I gracefully ended the old show, who would've thought I'd end up without

a show of my own?

My only consolation is that nearly ev¬

ery other spinoff show has failed...

leaving only you and that guy with the boat!

Now, jus' hold it up, momma!

Get him, chipmunks!

You never did tell us how much bread you kickin’ out for this gig! I mean, you didn't seriously think we'd go for that “nuts and berries”

action, hmmm?

Oh no! I forgot about the time! The meltdown’s begun,'and only I can stop

it!

I se a possum!

If you wants this dude wasted, you better start talkin’ green, babyl

H Why, you ungrate¬

ful little chip munk...

Hold it,

| sweetheart...

i them's 1 chipmunks...

Chipmunk!

Chipmunk!

She was the only one who knew how to stop the chain reaction) The plant's go¬

ing to meltdown! Do you know what that means?!?

And, they were. So it's over. Rossy can't bother me anymore. I'm dead.

So that's how I died, it's funny, I used to always tell Rossy his screwups

would be the death of me vet!

The nice part about it, though

i. J

•■■PS* ■i.-Sjml

Wpjf;

4 3 {■]

^1

4

EMI ’ / *

Ir- 'IWJ

1 #;

r/

U

ml

rji

S-

,

ai*.

SS***

jy

CLOWNS THAT HAVE SUBSCRIPTIONS!

DO YOU HAVE A SUB¬

SCRIPTION? YOU DON’T?

THEN YOU’D BETTER GET ONE! NOW! WHILE THEY’RE

CHEAP! HE WHO HESI¬

TATES IS LOST! GOLLY GANG, YOU CAN GET 12 IS¬

SUES (INCLUDING 4 SUPER SPECIALSJFOR THE HILAR¬

IOUSLY LOW PRICE OF

$9.00 ($10.00 Canadian;

$11.00 Foreign). THAT’S A BIG SAVINGS OFF THE RE¬

GULAR PRICE OF $12.20!

MICH4LL CARLIN’S

IT'S JUST TOO TOO.

A

HI, GANG...I'M IN THE SHOWER

NOW...BUT IF YOU’LL BE KIND ENOUGH TO PRO¬

CEED I'D BE GLAD TO JOIN

YA IN ABOUT three quarters

OF A PAGE .,.

‘KAY? SEE YA SOON, KIPS//

i iV.;-'r7V’TV

OODY

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN SEE THE SCREEN.

BEATLE.GOO GOO GAJOOB.

SILLY "

SIXTIES

SPURIOUS AD THANKS TO THIS TOWEL, MY JOKES AREN'T THE ONLY DRY THINGS ON

THIS PAGE.

ifEnvyMTfffsSS

mm

w

What?l

GOOD NIGHT AND MAY GOD BLETH.

AWWW,FOOP V YERSELF/>

rich and successful, they’ll be suffering tire pangs of forced retirement and fixed in/

come. And, ultimately, while you’re living in the lap of luxury, you’ll be able to put. those creeps into a crummy old-age hom^,run by ex-Nazis. Then they’ll be sorry.

So, plan ahead. It’s the only way kids can get even.

Does this happen to you every time you

don’t clean up your room? And do you have

the sneaking suspicion that your parents

ENJOY doing it? Well, you’re not alone. And,

being a minor, there just isn’t much you can

do about it. You are your parents’ property,

and they can beat you silly if that’s what

they’re into. But just remember -- when you

get older, they’ll be older still; once you’re