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Lesson Summary
This week’s lesson focused on four things:
Body Language Tactics for the Week Danger and Power Phrases for the Week
Dealing with Difficult People Strategies for the Week Communication Principle of the Week
Body Language Tactics for the Week:
The Three-Second-Look: The 3-second-look is generally used during an information gathering session, but can be useful in a variety of situations where you must present an assertive image. After you ask a question, let the other person respond, and when they’re finished speaking, continue to make direct eye contact with them without moving or blinking for three seconds or more before responding. The theory is that human beings are generally uncomfortable with three or more seconds of silence, and will start talking--possibly revealing information that might have otherwise been kept hidden--when faced with that silence.
Forward Head Tilts: Use forward head tilts when you want to be seen as assertive or strong, when dealing with aggressive personality types, and when trying to gain trust and respect. If you are more of a passive communicator, be conscious of adding more forward head tilts and eliminating side tilts when you are sending a powerful message, and don’t want to be seen as passive in any way. NB: Head tilts to the side are a distinctly feminine communication gesture. If you want to avoid appearing “feminine” eliminate them.
Danger and Power Phrases for the Week:
Danger Phrase: “We need to talk.” Power Phrase: “I need your help.”
Saying “We need to talk” shuts down the lines of communication between you and the person to whom you’re speaking. When you want to set up the conversation so the other person’s lines of communication are open, try, “I need your help,” instead. This triggers something in the other person that will make them more receptive to the message you’re about to send. NB: Be careful to not be constantly asking for favors or help, or you run the risk of appearing “needy.”
Danger Phrase: “What’s wrong with you?” Power Phrase: “What’s bothering you?”
People are much more likely to tell you what’s “wrong” when you ask them what’s bothering them rather than what’s wrong. People don’t like to admit there’s something wrong--especially not with them--so the next time you see people emotionally out of sorts and you want to help, ask what’s bothering them or what’s troubling them instead of what’s wrong, and you’ll get a better response.
Danger Phrase: “Do you want ... ?” or “Do you need ... ?” Power Phrase: “Would you like ... ?” We should never be asking our customers if they want or need anything. Saying this makes the respondent feel as though they’re imposing. “Would you like me to send that out today?” is more professional, courteous, and accurate than, “Do you want me to send that out today?”
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Lesson Summary
Danger Phrase: “No problem!” or “Not a problem!” Power Phrase: “You’re welcome.”
Although it’s fine to say, “no problem” in a casual environment, if you’re at work, the phrase is, “You’re welcome.” Saying, “No problem,” is like saying, “You betcha!” It’s not intended to be rude or
unprofessional, but it makes the person who says it appear less than a polished, educated, professional communicator. (BTW---I’m from North Dakota and yes, I say, “You betcha” with my ND peeps. That’s where it belongs, and that’s where it should stay.)
Dealing with Difficult People Strategies for the Week: The Spotlight Question:
Use spotlight questions when countering someone who is communicating in a passive-aggressive manner, or when attacked or sniped in a public forum. It forces the aggressor to be upfront with his or her communication. A spotlight question is a great initial response to a “sniper.” To deliver a spotlight question, make eye contact with the aggressor, tilt your head slightly forward, and begin the sentence with, “Are you trying to . . . .”
The Stonewall:
Use the stonewall strategy when “The Challenger” (someone who has no business asking you
questions, but asks them to try and establish power) asks you a challengequestion. Use this to avoid giving ANY type of answer to the challenger, who sees an answer as a reward, and therefore will be more likely to repeat this behavior with you. To deliver the stonewall, use this 3-step process:
1- Keep your head straight, make direct eye contact, and genuinely ask, “Interesting (name), why would you ask me that?” The most common pattern will be the challenger reacting with, “I’m just curious.”
2- Respond using a closed-ended question such as, “Are you always this curious?”
3- Deliver the 3-second-look.
Use the broken record until the challenger goes away, and above all, do not answer any questions.
Communication Principle of the Week:
Give yourself the gift of communicational freedom.
We have all had times when we think--or even say-- “They can’t talk to me that way!” or “They can’t do that!” or “They can’t treat me like that!”
The truth of the matter is that yes they can. And if that’s the truth, that also means that you can communicate however you feel is right for you. The only way to truly feel confident that you have the right to communicate the way you do is to also allow others to communicate the way they do. Others can communicate however they wish, and so can you--remembering we reap what we sow.
Releasing the chains we put on others is the only real way to release the ones we have put on ourselves. Give yourself the gift of freedom by truly giving others theirs; it really is--OK.
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WORKSHEET
1) When in an information-gathering session, a simple body language strategy we can use
to uncover information is The ____________ - _____________ - _____________.
2) Head tilts to the side are generally perceived as a ____________________ signal.
3) Forward head tilts are generally perceived as a ____________________ signal.
4) More (men/women) tend to tilt their heads to the side.
5) Instead of saying “We need to talk,” a more effective phrase would be
“ ________________________________________________________.”
6) Instead of saying, “What’s wrong with you?” or “What’s wrong?” A more effective phrase
would be “ ________________________________________________________.”
7) Instead of saying, “Do you need ... “ or “Do you want ... “ A more effective phrase would
be, “ ________________________________________________________.”
8) Instead of saying, “No problem,” or “Not a problem,” A more effective phrase would be:
“ ________________________________________________________.”
9) One way to respond to passive-aggressive communication is to use a
____________________ question, and a great lead-in line when beginning one would
be “Are you ___________________ ____________________ ... ?”
10) When you say to someone, “When you’re ready to _____ I’ll be ready to _____ ... .“
that is an example of a “redirect with ____________________.”
11) The Stonewall technique can be used with “The ______________ (someone who asks
you inappropriate questions they have no business asking, and consists of three
steps, which are: 1) Answer the challenge question with a _________ phrase, 2) Ask a
__________-ended question, 3) Deliver the ________-second look.
12) When you keep repeating the same words, this strategy is called the ______-record.
13) To give yourself the gift of communicational freedom, the first thing you must do is give
it to ______________________.
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FOR THE WEEK
THE 3-SECOND LOOK: When to use it: Generally used in an information gathering session, but can be useful in a variety of situations where you must present an assertive image.
How to use it: After you ask a question, let the other person respond, and when they’re finished speaking, continue to make direct eye contact with them without moving or blinking for three seconds before responding.
FORWARD HEAD TILTS:
When to use them: When you want to be seen as assertive or strong, when dealing with aggressive personality types, and when trying to gain trust and respect.
How to use them: Be conscious of nodding your head slightly forward and NOT allowing it to tilt to the side whatsoever, which signals passive stance. NB: Head tilts to the side are a distinctly feminine communication gesture. If you want to avoid appearing “feminine” eliminate them.
FOR THE WEEK
AT HOME: AT WORK: DANGER Do you want ... ? or Do you need ... ? No problem. or Not a problem. POWER Would you like ... ?
You’re welcome. POWER I need your help. What’s bothering you? DANGER
We need to talk. What’s wrong with you?
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT
PEOPLE TACTIC FOR THE WEEK
THE SPOTLIGHT QUESTION: When to use it: When countering someone who is communicating in a passive-aggressive manner. When attacked or sniped in a public forum. It forces the aggressor to be upfront with their communication.
How to use it: Make eye contact with the aggressor, tilt your head slightly forward, and begin the sentence with, “Are you trying to ... .”
THE STONEWALL :
When to use it: When the challenger (someone who has no business asking you questions, but asks them to try and establish power) asks you a challenge question.
How to use it: Keep your head straight, make direct eye contact, and genuinely ask, “Interesting (name), why would you ask me that?” The most common pattern will be the challenger reacting with, “I’m just curious,” to which you respond, “Are you always this curious?” and couple that with the 3-second look.
Repeat the process if necessary using the broken record.
COMMUNICATION PRINCIPLE
OF THE WEEK
PRINCIPLE:
Give yourself the gift of communicational freedom.
HOW TO IMPLEMENT THIS PRINCIPLE:
We have all had times when we think--or even say-- “They can’t talk to me that way!” or “They can’t do that!” or “They can’t treat me like that!”
The truth of the matter is that yes they can. And if that’s the truth, that also means that you can communicate however you feel is right for you. The only way to truly feel confident that you have the right to communicate the way you do is to also allow others to communicate
the way they do. Others can communicate however they wish, and so can you--remembering we reap what we sow.
Releasing the chains we put on others is the only real way to release the ones we have put on ourselves. Give yourself the gift of freedom by truly giving others theirs; it really is--OK.
