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Adoption
Manual
Information for prospective adopters and adoptive parents
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Contents
Chapter Topic
Page
1 Introduction
3
2
Waiting for a Child
4
3
Preparing for a Child
8
4
The Matching Process
9
5
When a Suitable Child is Found
11
6
The Placement Planning Meeting
13
7
Meeting your child
15
8
When a Child Joins Your Family
17
9
What Does it Feel Like to be an Adoptive Parent? 20
10 Legal
Issues
22
11
The Adoption Order
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12 Financial
Support
25
13
Speaking with your Child about Adoption
26
14
WHAT IF …
32
15
Sources of Support
35
16 Recommended
Reading
39
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Chapter 1: Introduction
Congratulations on being approved as an adopter for Plymouth City Council! This manual will provide information on everything you can expect during the rest of the adoption process, from how we will support you while you wait for a child to be matched with you, to what will happen when a child finally joins your family.
Your social worker will be there for you every step of the way. They will always be available to deal with any questions or concerns you may have.
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Chapter 2: Waiting for a Child
Being approved as a prospective adoptive parent is an exciting time. After the lengthy assessment process, most people are eager to have a child placed and develop their family as quickly as possible. The period following approval can therefore be frustrating because you have no idea how long you will have to wait until a child moves in with you. Please remember that the most important thing is that the ‘match’ is right for both sides. We need to be confident that you can meet the child’s needs with the right support and that they will fit into your family.
Once the agency decision-maker has ratified the adoption and permanence panel’s recommendation that you should be approved to adopt, you will receive a letter formally confirming your approval within seven working days.
How will my social worker match me with a child?
The waiting period can seem empty after seeing your social worker so regularly during the
assessment process, and it may seem like nothing is happening. Please remember that although you
You join our database of approved adopters and are considered for all suitable children in Plymouth.
You are registered with the South West Adoption Consortium and National Adoption Register.
Be My Parent and Children Who Wait magazines.
South West Adoption Consortium Exchange event.
Immediately
Either immediately or after three months
Ongoing
Twice a year
Adopters’ profiles sent to other agencies.
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may not hear much about the search for a child, your social worker will do a lot of work behind the scenes.
Although contact with your social worker will be less frequent than during the assessment process, they will stay in touch. This will usually include visiting you every two months as well as keeping in regular contact via telephone or email at least once a month. However, your social worker is unlikely to tell you every time they have considered you for a child and decided the match is not suitable. Please give them a call if you ever have any concerns during this period.
Matching you with a Plymouth child
As soon as you have been approved to adopt, your details will be added to our database of approved adopters. We will immediately consider whether you are suitable for any of the children currently awaiting adoption in Plymouth, or any of the children likely to be available for adoption in the future. Your social worker will follow up any children they hear of for whom you might be suitable.
The South West Adoption Consortium
If it is unlikely that you will be suitable for a Plymouth child, your social worker will refer you to the South West Adoption Consortium (SWAC). SWAC undertake their own matching process over the entire South West, to try to identify adopters for children who are referred to them. SWAC therefore provides a much larger pool of children with whom you could be matched. A leaflet about SWAC is inserted in the back of this folder. On identifying a possible match, SWAC will notify the social workers of the child and adopters.
SWAC organises an event called the ‘Adoption Exchange’ twice a year, usually in the Spring and Autumn. At the Adoption Exchange, adoption agencies from all over the South West meet up and display details of the children and adopters for whom they are seeking placements. Adoption Exchanges are usually busy and have successfully made a number of links between adopters and children in the past.
If your social worker decides to feature you at an Adoption Exchange then we will display a profile about you for the other agencies to see. Your profile will contain information from the Prospective Adopters Report and the photograph you provided during the assessment process.
Your social worker may attend the Adoption Exchange themselves to consider whether you are suitable for any of the children featured by other authorities. Many of the children’s social workers will also be there to provide further information. You may be invited to attend the Adoption Exchange in person.
Please note that we do not tend to promote every approved adopter at Adoption Exchanges because the vast majority of children featured at past events have been aged three or older, children with disabilities or sibling groups. If you are looking for a very young child then your social worker will focus on the other methods described in this section.
Matching you with children all over the country
The National Adoption Register is run by national charity the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF). Adoption agencies all over the UK register the details of both children awaiting adoption and approved adopters. The register then tries to ‘match’ them up.
We refer all our approved adopters to the National Adoption Register once they have been waiting for six months. Your social worker may decide to refer you immediately if you are unlikely to be matched with a child from Plymouth. You can also refer yourself if you wish.
From time to time we send booklets containing profiles of our approved adopters to every adoption agency in the UK. These will contain your social worker’s contact details. Similarly, your social worker will regularly receive booklets of children from other agencies awaiting adoption, and will consider whether you might be suitable for any of them.
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You may wish to subscribe to the magazines ‘Be My Parent’ (by BAAF) and ‘Children Who Wait’ (by Adoption UK). These feature children from all over the UK who are waiting for adoptive families. Your social worker will read these magazines anyway and contact social workers on your behalf if they see children you might be suitable for, but many adopters like to read them personally. Please tell your social worker if you see any children you are interested in. Be My Parent also features a few approved adopters and your social worker might suggest advertising you in this way if they think it appropriate.
What other support will I get while I wait for a child?
As soon as you have been approved, you will be eligible to join Adoptionnets
(www.adoptionplymouth.net), an online community exclusive to Plymouth City Council adoptive parents. Adoptionnets is similar to social networking websites such as Facebook and is an invaluable source of support. It includes the following:
• A secure online social network which is only accessible to Plymouth City Council adoptive parents and staff
• Secure communication within the network, enabling adopters and staff to send messages to one another
• Regular online communication from the Adoption Team to all adopters, to keep you up to date with the latest news and details of upcoming events
• An up-to-date knowledgebase of information about adoption and parenting • A secure mechanism for transferring and storing private files
• A range of online communities to support training, support groups and interest • groups
• A fully customisable homepage for each user
To request access to Adoptionnets, please give your email address to your social worker.
You will also receive our twice-yearly newsletter called In Touch, which contains all the latest news on adoption services and events in Plymouth and stories from our adoptive parents. You will be invited to our support group every second month, which will give you a chance to speak with other people who are or have been in the same situation. You can also attend our monthly coffee mornings, details of which can be found in our newsletter for adopters.
One-to-one support from other adopters can be invaluable. You may be in touch with some of the people who attended the same preparation course as you, or you could ask your social worker to put you in touch with another adopter who will understand what you are going through. This can be an important source of support, although you must remember that everyone waits for different lengths of time, so you must not be disheartened if a friend is matched with a child sooner than you. It is largely a matter of chance how quickly a suitable child comes along – it’s nothing to do with not being ‘good enough’.
During the wait for a child, you will also have the opportunity to attend a series of training workshops. These will build on what you learned on the preparation course and cover topics such as health, attachment and how to make a book about your family to introduce yourself to a child.
If you have not yet been matched with a child then a review meeting of your approval will take place annually. The Adoption Assessment Team Manager will chair the meeting. The purpose of this
meeting is to discuss the action that has been taken to match you with a child as well as any changes in your circumstances. The outcome of the meeting will be reported to the Adoption and Permanence Panel, indicating any changes in your circumstances. You will then be notified whether your approval is still considered suitable.
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Chapter 3: Preparing for a Child
The period while you wait for a child is a perfect opportunity to learn more about adoption and prepare yourself as fully as possible.
This is an excellent time to refresh yourself of the issues discussed at the preparation course and go through the Reading List at the end of this manual - it may be the last chance you get to sit down with a book!
You may be interested in attending training courses provided by external organisations. Please let your social worker know if you see an appropriate course you are interested in and we may be able to contribute towards the cost.
A book or DVD about your family
We ask that all approved adopters prepare a book or DVD about themselves to share with the child who may eventually join their family. If you wish to make a DVD, please ask your social worker to lend you the adoption team camcorder. Don’t worry if you don’t have any experience of filming, as we will show you how to use the camcorder and can also edit the DVD for you.
Whether you make a book or DVD, try to make it as interesting and colourful as possible to appeal to the child’s imagination and help them get excited about their new family. You should include lots of pictures suitable for the age range you are approved for, including:
• Everyone in your family • Your home and garden
• Your local area and anywhere nearby the child might like to visit • Your pets
• The child’s bedroom
Some families who wish to adopt younger children choose to write the book from a pet’s perspective, with the pet introducing each of you!
Preparing your home
We expect your home to be equipped and ready for the ages and numbers of children you are approved to adopt. Now is the time to make any changes you have been planning. If you want to decorate the kitchen, it’s much better to do it now than after a child is placed! Once a child has moved in, they will need as much stability as possible in order to feel at home and develop a close bond with you, so make any changes beforehand.
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If there are already children in your household then this is also a good time to further prepare them for the adoption. They will have been included in the assessment process, but it is helpful to continue making sure they understand everything that is happening. If they will have to change bedrooms once a new child is placed then it would be wise to do so well before an adopted child joins your family. This will help to prevent them from feeling any resentment or feeling that they have been replaced once the new child moves in.
You should also look at the facilities for children in your area, including the schools, play groups, activity clubs, parks and play areas. When choosing a school, try to visit more than one and consider the whole range of needs that your adopted child may have. For example, a school that comes high in the league tables may have less facilities for under-achieving children.
Preparing the people around you
Speak with everyone in your support network to make sure they know what could be involved and how you might need their help and support once a child is placed. If you don’t have children already, this is a great time to ‘practice’ parenting with other people’s children! Your friends and family will probably be delighted for you to ‘borrow’ their children for a day or weekend. You can give them a well-earned rest and as well as gaining some valuable experience and a hole in your bank account, you will learn:
• What it’s like to have little sleep
• What it’s like to do a week’s shopping with two young children in tow (see also hole in bank account!)
• Which shops and public places have good facilities for children
• Which shops and public places to avoid at all costs (e.g. china shops with everything in reach of a child in a pushchair – see also hole in bank account!)
• Where sticky fingers get to and leave their mark, and what happens when a sandwich gets put in the video recorder
• How much mess one child can make in five minutes let alone a whole weekend
• How long a child can take to put on their coat, gloves and shoes, and how this increases when you are in a hurry
• How children love burgers, chips and chocolate but won’t eat anything that’s good for them • How important it is for you to rest, eat and relax whenever you get the chance
• The delights of children’s TV, and an intimate knowledge of Bratz, High School Musical etc.! And after all this, we hope you will have had loads of fun and are still looking forward to a time when you don’t have to give them back at the end of the day.
So, the period while you wait for a child is a valuable opportunity to make sure you are completely ready for everything that adoption will bring. You won’t believe how little time there will be for all these things after a child has joined you!
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Chapter 4: The Matching Process
The following flowchart provides an overview of the process of matching an adopter with a Plymouth child. Please note that the process may be different if you are matched with a child from another agency.
When you have been identified for a child, your and the child’s social workers exchange paperwork (your Prospective Adopters Report and the Child’s Permanence Report).
The child’s social worker (and often the foster carer) visits you with your social worker.
Any further meetings for information gathering that are needed take place.
If both sides are keen to go ahead, you all attend a ‘placement planning meeting’ to formally ensure that all information has been shared with all parties.
A report is presented to the adoption and permanence panel, which you attend. The Panel considers whether to recommend the match.
The agency decision-maker approves the match in writing within seven working days.
You attend an ‘introductions planning meeting’ to plan the introductions to the child.
Introductions take place.
A ‘mid introductions meeting’ takes place to review how the introductions are going.
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Chapter 5: When You Are Matched with a Child
When a childcare social worker is searching for an adoptive home for a child, they do a wide range of things to find a suitable family - looking at the approved adopters at their own agency, their local consortium (e.g. SWAC), the National Adoption Register, etc. It is very important that they find the best possible family for the child, so they look at all the factors involved and make a list of everything the child needs. They will then make a shortlist of all the families that could meet these needs.
If you are on a shortlist for a particular child then the child’s social worker will speak with your social worker and make sure there are no obvious reasons why the match is not suitable. They will then exchange your Prospective Adopters Report and the child’s Child Permanence Report and read them carefully.
When will I hear that I’m being considered for a particular child?
After the Child Permanence Report and Prospective Adopters Report have been exchanged, your social worker may contact you if there are any specific issues that need to be discussed with you. You may find out that you are being considered a little later than this.
Being told you are being considered can be both exciting and daunting, and may happen a number of times before a successful match takes place. This can be an emotional time but please try to keep calm and think carefully about everything you hear about the child and what it all means. In all the excitement it is easy to focus only on the positives and overlook something that could be a major problem if the match went ahead. Your social worker is experienced in this area and will try to help you understand the child as realistically as possible.
What do I need to know about the child?
Your social worker will understand that this is an emotional time for you and together you can
formulate relevant questions and obtain all the important information. You will be given a copy of the Child Permanence Report. You need to learn as much as possible about the child in order to make the right decision. Please read the form carefully and ask as many questions as you want – some adopters have pages and pages of questions! Don’t worry about putting off the child’s social worker by asking too many questions – it will show them that you are really interested and are looking at the reality rather than being swept away by emotions. Remember, you have already been approved as an adopter and they are just trying to see whether a particular child will fit into your family.
As a general guide, you will need the following information about the child:
• If the Child Permanence Report was written a while ago, any information that has changed • Whether the child has a history of abuse or neglect, and what effect this has had on them
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• How many moves the child has had
• The child’s views and understanding of what has happened to them
• Whether the child knows about the plan for adoption, what they think about it and how they are being prepared
• The child’s legal situation
• The anticipated contact arrangements with the child’s birth family after the adoption – type of contact, frequency, and who will it be with
• Whether there will be a one-off meeting with members of the birth family, and if so who • The child’s development, details and the cause of any areas of delay
• Any medical issues and how they effect the child’s daily life. If you are the family of choice then you can ask to see the agency Medical Advisor for more information
• Whether the child can make and sustain relationships, and any attachment issues
• The child’s routine and any day-to-day issues (you will receive detailed information about this later in the process)
• The current foster carer’s assessment of the child
• If the child is school age, how they are getting on at school and whether they can make friends. Ask what is in their Personal Education Plan (PEP)
If you are adopting as a couple, talk everything through when you are alone together. If you are a single adopter then speak with a close friend or relative. This is a huge decision, so you must reflect on everything you have heard and consider whether the match is right for both the child and for you.
Meeting the child’s social worker
After you have found out about the child and the child’s social worker has learned about what you have to offer, they will visit you to discuss the potential match further. Your social worker will attend this visit to support you. Following the visit, it is important that you take time to consider the impact of caring for this child on you and your family. You should take as much time as you need and not feel rushed into making this important decision. Your social worker will be available to discuss any concerns or issues you may have.
Will I be competing for the child with other families?
In the early stages of the matching process, it is normal for a child’s social worker to consider several different families for the same child. This can put pressure on adopters, especially if you have already started to think of the child as ‘yours’ and imagined them coming to live with you. Your social worker should find out whether other families are also being considered. This should be clarified at the first meeting.
Choosing the right family for a child is always a difficult decision for a social worker as all the adopters they see have special qualities that could meet the child’s needs. However, when considering more than one adopter it is only on meeting them all that the social worker can
appreciate how the child would fit into each family. Their decision is based on that child’s needs and is not a reflection on you as a family.
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Chapter 6: The Placement Planning Meeting
There may be additional meetings with the child’s foster carer and social worker before a decision is made. Once a child’s social worker has decided that you are the most suitable family for the child, if you are still interested in the child then a placement planning meeting will usually take place.
The placement planning meeting is a formal meeting in which the child’s social worker and foster carer will give you all the relevant information about the child so you can make sure you are right for them. Your skills will be matched to the child’s needs.
The following people attend the placement planning meeting.
• You
• Your social worker • The child’s social worker • The child’s foster carer
• The foster carer’s supervising social worker
• The Adoption Team Manager (who chairs the meeting) • A minute taker
• Any other relevant person
You will probably already know most of the information given in the placement planning meeting, but it is an opportunity to revisit it all in one session from the people who know the child best. It is your chance to make sure you are happy with everything and speak up if you have any concerns. It is also a chance to assess and identify the support you will need. The placement planning meeting
concludes with a recommendation about whether the match is to go ahead.
Some agencies do not have a placement planning meeting to which adopters and foster carers are invited, instead holding an internal decision-making meeting.
The matching panel
Before the child can move in with you, the match needs to be recommended by the adoption and permanence panel and approved by the agency decision-maker, just like when you were approved as an adopter.
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Your and/or the child’s social worker will write an ‘Adoption Placement Report’ (APR) detailing the child’s needs and explaining why they believe you will best meet these needs. You will contribute to the report and your social worker will help if you wish. The child’s social worker will produce an Adoption Support Plan (ASP) at the same time. These reports will then be attached to your
Prospective Adopters Report and the Child Permanence Report and presented to the adoption and permanence panel for consideration. It will be presented to whichever panel recommended that the child should be adopted, so if the child is not from Plymouth then this will be the panel of their agency. The panel will look at the paperwork as well as the support you will need after the child moves in.
As when you were recommended as a prospective adopter, you will attend the matching panel.
After the panel, your social worker will inform you of the outcome. As before, the agency decision-maker will decide whether to confirm the panel’s recommendation and you will receive a letter formally approving the match within seven days.
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Chapter 7: Meeting your child
The introduction period is vitally important because it aims to make the transition as smooth as possible for the child. It is centred around the child and can be both physically and emotionally tiring for you. Please be kind to yourself – just eat meals out of the freezer, accept offers of help from those around you and do not expect too much of yourself.
You will attend an introduction planning meeting with the same people who attended the placement planning meeting to discuss the plan of how, where and when you will meet and get to know the child. This plan will probably be quite detailed because it will determine how you begin to familiarise and build your relationship with the child, get to know their routine and gradually transfer their care from the foster carer to yourself. The introductory period can last anything from a few days to several weeks, depending on the child’s age and needs.
You will first meet the child in their environment, usually the foster carer’s home. This can feel quite daunting because although you may have met the foster carer several times by now, you will be in someone else’s house and they naturally know the child better than anyone. The child may also live away from your area, so you will have to travel and may need to stay somewhere during the
introductions.
Please remember that the foster carer is skilled in moving children onto adoptive homes and understands what a difficult time it is for you. No one expects you to become an expert overnight.
As the introductions continue, you will gradually take on more responsibility for the child – taking them out, bathing them, putting them to bed etc. It is unwise to introduce them to your friends and family at this stage – you understandably want everyone to meet them, but this can be overwhelming for the child who needs to concentrate on getting to know you.
It is vital that the child develops a sense of normality and routine as quickly as possible. It is therefore important to hold back on ‘treats’ and special outings in the early stages. Too much activity and rushing around to introduce the child to as many people as possible could undermine the development of your primary parenting relationship.
Everyone understands the pressures placed on adopters during this period. This is a physically demanding and emotionally exhausting time so just take things slowly and spend time getting to know each other.
It is also a difficult time for the child, irrespective of age, as they will have a sense of loss and grief due to the separation from their foster carer, which will naturally take some time to overcome.
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Meeting the child’s birth family
You will often get the opportunity to meet significant members of the child’s birth family during the introductions. This is usually a fairly short one-off meeting that the child does not attend.
The meeting would normally take less than half an hour. The primary aim of the meeting is to allow the birth parents to familiarise themselves with you and to get a sense of what type of family the child is going to live with. Birth parents may come with questions about how you will look after the child and let you know what they think is important for them.
If a birth parent does not feel able to enter into the conversation (e.g. they may be distressed), it is helpful if you have thought of some questions that you could ask them. For example, you could ask them about themselves so you have information to give the child as they grow up. It is important that you seek the support and advice of your social worker to prepare for this meeting.
Meeting the birth family can feel daunting but has many advantages:
• If you are to continue writing to any of the birth relatives after the adoption then having met them will make it much easier.
• When the child is older, it will really help them to know that you met their birth relatives – a photo taken at the meeting could be included in their Life Story Book.
• Having some knowledge of the birth relatives will also help you answer the child’s questions as they grow up, so you can describe them with more understanding. You can make the meeting more valuable by asking questions about the child such as how they chose the child’s first name, what they enjoy doing and whether there is anything they would like the child to be told about them.
• It will help you understand and empathise with the birth parents, as the information about them in the Child Permanence Report can often be very negative.
• Although the meeting may be emotional for the birth family, it can reassure them that the child is going to a good home and stop them worrying about the child.
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Chapter 8: When a Child Joins Your Family
Moving in
An introductions planning meeting will be held to complete the relevant paperwork and decide on the proposed date when your child will move in. The moving in date will be confirmed at the mid-way review of how introductions are going.
The day your child moves in is what everyone has been working towards and it is likely to be
emotional and tiring for both you and the child. A social worker (usually the child’s) will be there when you collect the child from the foster home.
People who have already adopted have told us that it can feel both daunting and liberating when you finally get home and close the door!
There will be many things to remember once the child has moved in with you. Please read this section to make sure nothing has been overlooked.
What paperwork should I have?
You should received the following before or at the time of placement:
• A copy of the child’s Child Permanence Report – This provides a great deal of information that you may want to refer to later.
• A copy of the Care Order or Placement Order if appropriate. • The child’s birth certificate.
• A list of telephone numbers in case of emergency and for contact during office hours.
• A copy of the adoption support plan, detailing what support the agency which placed the child will be providing. If this has not been discussed then you are entitled to request an
assessment and receive the response in writing.
• A letter of medical consent that allows you to seek medical help for the child as needed, and detailing the circumstances in which you would need to seek advice from the placing agency before the child has been legally adopted.
• The child’s Red Book, which is their health record book. • Any additional medical reports on the child.
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• Usually, the Later Life Letter for the child. You may not receive this straight away but please remind your social worker that you would like one while the information is still fresh in people’s minds.
• Any other relevant paperwork such as school reports. • The child’s Personal Education Plan (PEP).
• The Parental Responsibility form.
• A children’s guide booklet and two storybooks called ‘Katie kitten goes into foster care’ and ‘Katie kitten gets adopted’ – these should have been given to the child while they were in foster care, but please ask your social worker for a copy if the child does not have them when they move in with you.
What decisions can I make for the child?
You will not become your child’s legal parent until an adoption order has been made by a court. In the meantime, you can seek routine medical help for your child but must tell the child’s social worker about any serious health issues, especially if they need to go to hospital. The placing authority must also give consent for you to take the child abroad. This information should all be in the Parental Responsibility form.
When can I give the child my surname?
It is important that you register your child for things like their GP and school using their birth name. If you use your name then it is likely that their old medical or educational records will fail to be matched with their new ones, causing vital information to be lost. The exception to this is if the court has agreed that you can change the child name prior to the adoption order (usually for reasons of risk).
Having to use your child’s birth name can be frustrating because once a child has moved in, adopters naturally want to get into ‘normal’ family life as quickly as possible. However, a legal judgement has stated that adopters cannot change a child’s name without the agreement of those holding parental responsibility or the court. Your child’s birth name must therefore be used until the adoption order is granted.
Who will visit us?
The child’s social worker must visit you within seven days of the official moving in date. Your and the child’s social worker will continue to visit you regularly to make sure you are all okay. These visits are laid down by regulations and must take place, but the social workers will work together to make sure you are not overloaded with visits.
You will continue to be provided with social worker support. The child remains legally Looked After until the adoption order is granted. Many adoptive parents just want to get on with being a family, but social workers can offer valuable insight and help you deal with any problems as they arise. Speak with your social worker if you would rather be visited more or less often.
Some children, especially older ones, can feel anxious when they see the social worker who worked with them before they moved in with you. They may associate this person with moving families so you will need to reassure them that the social worker is only visiting and that they will be staying with you forever. Even if these issues do arise, it is important that the social worker can see your child alone to find out what they think if they are old enough.
Adoption reviews
Once a child is placed for adoption, regular review meetings must take place until they are legally adopted. These take place at your house; the first one after four weeks, then the fourth month and then every six months. The reviews are chaired by an Independent Reviewing Officer (IRO) and your
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social worker will attend. Areas that will be discussed include the child’s health, education, emotional wellbeing, contact (with the birth family, foster carer and other significant people) and the visiting routine of the child’s social worker. The support plan will also be reviewed and you will consider when you feel ready to lodge an application to legally adopt your child. You cannot make an application to the court without the authority’s formal support.
If your child is old enough, they will be given a booklet called ‘What I want to say’ before their review. This contains questions asking how they feel about everything and makes sure their views are heard. We also recommend that you write down anything you want to talk about beforehand.
Keeping children safe
If at any time you have any concerns, or your child makes any disclosures/allegations of abuse of abuse of standard of care against you or anyone else involved, Plymouth City Council will act in accordance with the South West Multi Agency Child Protection Procedures. For more information please visit www.swcpp.org.uk.
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Chapter 9: What Does it Feel Like to be an Adoptive Parent?
Many adopters imagine that once a child has moved in with them everything will be perfect and they will relish every moment of being a parent. The reality can be different and it is normal for things to get difficult at any stage.
Adjusting to the arrival of a child is very demanding. Many adopters feel the effects of this physical and emotional strain by experiencing ill health. Your social worker understands that the period before your child moved in was also very stressful, with being approved as an adopter and then waiting for a child, so it’s not surprising if the experience does have an effect on you.
Some adoptive parents experience periods of feeling very depressed but when they share their feelings with family and friends they are told: “But this is what you always wanted!” Some are afraid to share their feelings with their social worker in case they get a similar response or are seen as unable to cope. This is completely natural, but please do try to share any problems with your social worker. They can access a wide range of support on your behalf, for example putting you in touch with another adoptive parent who has been through the same thing.
Every new parent needs time to adjust to their new role, and the change is even harder for adoptive parents because your child will be older and have a history. Your social worker understands that being a parent is always difficult and will reassure you that you shouldn’t expect too much of yourself.
Being an adoptive parent is often particularly difficult for people who have given up work to care for their child, who are not used to living with children, or who do not yet have a local network of friends for support. Your social worker will understand all this so please be honest about your feelings – it doesn’t mean you’re failing.
We recommend the following to help keep you sane:
• Accept offers of help, however small (e.g. cooking, shopping, walking the dog) • Don’t try to do too much at once
• Introduce things slowly
• Try to establish a routine, at least with bedtimes • Try to keep a flexible timeframe and don’t be too rigid
• Be consistent and follow through with what you say you will do
• Don’t set your child up to fail (e.g. going to a formal restaurant if you know they’re not ready) • Don’t go on holiday too soon – Many children cannot cope with another change of
environment soon after placement • Give praise whenever your child is good
• Don’t try to be perfect – dust will still be there tomorrow and there’s nothing wrong with buying ready meals!
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Above all, please be kind to yourself. Take things one step at a time, seek support when you need it and don’t set standards for yourself and your child that will be difficult to attain.
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Chapter 10: Legal Issues
You will have heard about the legal issues surrounding adoption during your preparation course and home study. However, it is easy to forget the details and it is important to understand a child’s legal situation before they move in with you.
Children placed for adoption are either ‘accommodated’ or the subject of a court order.
Voluntarily Accommodated
If a child is accommodated then there is no court order and their birth parents retain all the parental responsibility. This means that they can change their minds about the adoption. This is particularly important if you are considering a baby whose birth mother is requesting adoption in case the mother changes her mind before the adoption order.
However, children can only be placed for adoption in these circumstances if the parent has given formal consent to adoption in the presence of a Children’s Guardian from CAFCASS. A birth parent may withdraw their consent and require the return of the child up until the lodging of the adoption application with the court. Once this has occurred the child will only be returned to them if the court decides this is appropriate.
In addition, the situations of some accommodated children are such that if the birth parent did change their mind, the placing authority may believe they have grounds to start court proceedings.
Court Orders – Care and Placement Orders
Care Orders
Many children placed for adoption are subject to a Care Order, which means that the child is secured legally and parental responsibility is shared between the local authority and birth parents. With a Care Order, the Adoption Order may be contested by the birth parents. If this happens then you will have legal representation, which we will usually pay for.
Placement Orders
Placement Orders give the local authority permission to place the child for adoption. Once the child has been placed, parental responsibility will legally be shared between the birth parents, adopters and local authority, with the latter having the most influence.
If a child is voluntarily accommodated then rather than a Placement Order, a Placement Agreement will be drawn up with the birth parent.
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Chapter 11: The Adoption Order
An adoption order is granted by a court at an adoption hearing. It makes the adoption official so that you become the child’s legal parent. A leaflet called ‘Adoption: A Guide for Court Users’ outlining the process is inserted in the back of this folder.
Legally, adopters can apply for an Adoption Order 10 weeks after the child has moved in, but the hearing will not take place for a couple of months.
We recommend that you wait a while before applying for an adoption order to give your family time to settle down and work through any teething problems. The timing of your application will be discussed at the review meetings. You should apply once you are comfortable that the placement will be a success, everyone is in agreement and the local authority supports this. It is particularly important that you do not rush to apply to legally adopt older children.
Will I have to pay legal costs?
Plymouth City Council expects adoptive parents to pay for the adoption order application.
The review meeting will discuss whether you need legal advice before the adoption hearing, and if so who will meet reasonable costs involved. Who will pay any additional legal costs will be agreed prior to the matching panel.
The placing authority is likely to pay any reasonable associated legal costs. However, it is important that this is agreed and confirmed in writing because the legal costs can be high if the child’s birth parents are contesting the adoption. If you need a Solicitor then your social worker will give you a list of ones who specialise in childcare work, although they cannot recommend one. A Solicitor is not necessary in most cases.
Although some children’s legal situations can be complex, please do not worry about this because the legal situation will be clarified with you prior to placement and support is available.
What happens when I apply for an adoption order?
To apply for an adoption order, please follow the process described in the leaflet ‘Adoption: A guide for court users’. Adoption application forms and guidance notes can be downloaded from
www.courtservice.gov.uk.
Most applications for an adoption order are started in a court designated as an ‘Adoption Centre’. If the child is subject to a Care Order then it is a good idea to start your application in the court that made the earlier order. The child’s birth parents will be notified of your applications and if you live in a
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different area then applying to your local court could give them an idea of where you live. Your social worker will help you decide which court to approach.
When you contact the court, ask for the Adoption Officer. They will send you the application forms, which must be completed in triplicate. If you are using a Solicitor then they will help you complete the form, otherwise your social worker can help you.
Once your application has been submitted, the court will notify the child’s agency to submit a report called an Annexe A. This outlines all the relevant facts of the case and includes a section on you as the adoptive parent as well as and details of how the child has settled in your care. Unless the child is the subject of a Placement Order, the court will then appoint an independent social worker from CAFCASS (the courts) to make sure all parties are aware of the application and to ascertain their views.
Depending on the child’s legal situation (see Chapter 10), it is possible that one or more of their birth relatives will actively contest your application to adopt. They can only do so with the leave of the court and under certain restricted circumstances. In most cases, the courts have ruled that the parents do not have grounds to contest the adoption. If the birth parents are given leave to contest the adoption, the situation regarding support for adopters in relation to legal costs will be reassessed.
The court will not give the birth parents information about the adopters.
What happens at the adoption hearing?
It is natural for adoptive parents to feel anxious on the day of the adoption hearing, especially if they are unfamiliar with the courts. However, please be reassured that adoption hearings are usually very brief and simple.
You must attend the adoption hearing with the child who is to be adopted. Most courts also welcome members of your extended family, providing that you inform the court beforehand. Your and the child’s social workers will usually attend as well.
When you meet the judge, they will already have read all the paperwork. They will have some
questions surrounding the report. They may already be familiar with the case if they were the judge at any previous care proceedings for the child.
Making the day of the adoption hearing special
Although the adoption hearing is usually very brief, it is a very important occasion because it marks the day on which your child becomes a full and legal member of your family. The judge may give your child a ‘certificate’ or small present. You will not receive the official adoption certificate until weeks later.
It is a good idea to arrange a small celebration after the adoption hearing, for example a picnic, meal out or a party with family and friends.
After the adoption hearing
Once an adoption order has been granted, you are legally the child’s parent with the same rights and responsibilities as if they were born to you. You will receive a copy of your child’s adoption certificate a few weeks later to replace their original birth certificate.
Many adoptive families choose to celebrate their child’s ‘Adoption Day’ or ‘Family Day’ each year, like an extra birthday for them. This reminds them that their adoption was a good thing and that they are wanted by their ‘forever family’ and always will be.
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Chapter 12: Financial Support
Full details on any financial support available to adoptive parents can be found in our financial support handbook, which will be given to you during the process of matching you with a child (or before if you ask your social worker for one).
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Chapter 13: Speaking With Your Child About Adoption
The way you discuss adoption with your child is very important. Your social worker will have spoken with you about the importance of being open about adoption from the start. If you are adopting an older child then they will already have an understanding of their situation when they come to live with you. If they are very young then you will have to bring them up with a knowledge of their past.
You need to discuss adoption in a way that is appropriate to your child’s understanding at each stage of their development. To do this you should first understand the usual stages of child development and your child’s own personal history, then use this knowledge to further their understanding of adoption. Much of the below information about children’s understanding of adoption is taken from the extensive research of David Brodzinsky, who has divided this into six levels.
Pre-school children
Development
Children develop rapidly and as their vocabulary improves, they will start to ask more and more questions. You will become very familiar with the word ‘Why’!
Children are naturally curious and their questions will reflect their level of understanding. Pre-schoolers are very self-absorbed and tend to be interested in things that directly affect them. They often like to look at photos and their Life Story Book may be their favourite book because it is all about them!
Understanding of adoption
Level 1: 0-4 years - At this age children are thought to have no real understanding of adoption.
However, this period is important nonetheless because it is when children first become familiar with the word ‘adoption’ and start to associate it with positive or negative feelings.
There will be many natural opportunities for you to introduce the word ‘adoption’ and start to build your child’s understanding – the earlier you start, the easier it will be:
• Tell your child bedtime stories about when they joined your family and how happy everyone was. Say things like: “You grew in Sarah’s tummy and then you came to live with us.” • If your child still has toys or gifts from their foster carer or birth relatives, use these as the
basis of stories about their past.
• Regularly sit down together to read your child’s Life Story book, and keep it somewhere they can always find it – they should think of it as a special book that belongs to them.
• If you have Letterbox contact with your child’s birth family, sharing information from the letters with your child can also provide opportunities for discussion.
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The way in which you use the word ‘adoption’ is vital – if you are comfortable and positive then your child is likely to associate it with good things.
Don’t overload your child with details straight away – these will emerge over time if the topic is kept open within the family. Associations are built from a very young age and are influenced by what you do both verbally and non-verbally.
Remember, children’s pre-school years are a time of discovery and delight as they learn about the world around them. Due to their earlier experiences, your child may have missed some important stages of their development. This could mean that they may be behind and need some time to catch up.
Discussing your child’s past from an early age will create an environment in which adoption is a natural part of life. It is also an excellent opportunity for you to practice telling their story! This will help you become comfortable with the adoption issue and familiarise yourself with the facts. Keep telling the story so you feel at ease with it and it feels natural. You can then expand on the
information you provide as your child gets older, responding to their level of understanding and the questions they ask.
Primary school children
Development
The ages between four and 11 are very important. Children’s desire for independence increases rapidly as they start to have more and more contact with their peers. As they begin to explore the outside world without you being there all the time, some children can react strongly to things in their desire for independence while others can feel insecure.
Above all, you need to be patient and understand what they are going through. They may only feel comfortable in familiar surroundings, wanting their friends to come over all the time because they aren’t yet ready to sleep over somewhere else. Children can develop a ‘know it all’ attitude, which can also be difficult.
Most children start to become more independent by the time they move on to secondary school. Many become more self-controlled when with their friends, but remain difficult at home. Their school may say they are a little angel, but you know things are very different when they get home! This often happens because children feel safe at home. The fact that they feel comfortable enough to test boundaries, feelings and responses shows that they know they are loved and accepted, so in a way it can be seen as a compliment!
Understanding of adoption
Level 2: 4-6 years – During these years children are still unable to properly understand the concept
of adoption and the difference between being born into a family and joining it through adoption. Adopted children often assume that all children are born into one family and then join another. They may give the impression that they understand because they are able to repeat the story you have told them, but at this stage they do not fully understand what they are saying. At this age they are likely to face questions from their peers, so you need to help prepare them for this.
Level 3: 6-8 years – During this period children begin to develop a real understanding of adoption,
learning to clearly differentiate between entering a family through adoption or birth. They accept that adoption is forever, partly because you have told them this, but they do not yet fully understand why.
At this time you need to share more information about their history, again thinking carefully about how to portray the facts. Make sure you seem at ease with the subject and continue to present adoption as a positive thing. Make sure your child feels able to express their feelings, especially if they are still trying to understand.
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During this period your child’s behaviour may change and become more difficult as they begin to realise the significance of their story. They start to understand the issue of loss and what adoption means for them, entering the grieving process for the first time.
Level 3: 8-10 years – During this stage children start to question the permanence of their
relationship with their adoptive family. They wonder whether their birth family will reclaim them and whether a disruption within their adoptive family could change things. They also start to develop empathy for others and may start worrying about their birth parents or adoptive parents.
All of this increased sensitivity and awareness is important in helping children make more sense of adoption. You can help by responding positively to questions, taking the initiative in starting
discussions about adoption and encouraging them to express their feelings. Brodzinsky says: “The adoptive child at this stage needs sensitivity, patience, acceptance of his/her feelings and support from his/her parents.”
Level 4: 10-12 years – Brodinsky describes this stage as: “characterised by a quasi-legal sense of
permanence – invoking authority figures such as judges, lawyers, doctors or social workers, who in some vague way ‘make’ the parent/child relationship permanent.” During this period children gain the ability to explore the issues in more depth and start to absorb the more distressing parts of their story and why they were adopted.
Teenagers
Development
Teenagers can have mood swings and can display extremes of independence and dependence. They become more active intellectually, which can make them more argumentative. They also become more introspective, making them more sensitive to comments made by those around them.
Teenagers are learning to understand themselves and may feel unable to discuss their feelings with you, however good a parent you have been to them. They may be so mixed up that they don’t even know what their feelings are. This is a period of transition in which they are neither a child nor an adult, and the prospect of adulthood can seem both scary and exciting.
Parenting a teenager is undeniably difficult, but it does have a positive side! As teenagers your child and their friends can become very good company. There are also advantages to the more difficult sides of adolescence, for example showing that they are growing up and becoming more
independent and aware (albeit slowly!). It can be stimulating to watch them develop their own views, and their increasing independence may bring them into contact with new and interesting experiences such as school trips abroad, youth groups and an increasing social circle.
Although these changes can seem negative at the time, they are all essential in helping shape children into young adults. Everyone makes mistakes at times, but the important thing is that they can learn from them. It can be difficult, but please try to see the teenage years as a challenge rather than an impossible hurdle.
Understanding of adoption
Level 5: 12+ years – Children of this age tend to see their relationship with their adoptive family as
permanent. They are fully aware of what their adoption means and how parental responsibility was legally transferred from their birth parents to you.
Developing and understanding one’s identity is an important and natural part of being a teenager. An important part of this may well be for them to try to find out more about their birth family, possibly even wanting to meet them. Although it is difficult, you should not see this as a threat because it is simply your child’s attempt to learn more about where they came from, rather than a threat to the future.
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Advice for parents of all age groups
Whatever your child’s age, you will need to become very familiar with your child’s story and feel comfortable with it. If you find certain parts of the story difficult then spend time talking it over with your partner or social worker. The more you practice, the easier it will be to share the story with your child.
If you are worried about sharing certain information with your child, think about the reasons for this and how you can overcome them. Coming to terms with your own feelings is a big hurdle, and it is vital that you do this before speaking about the issue with your child as they will pick up on any anxieties and be affected by them.
What if I don’t fully understand my child’s story?
It is vital that you have access to clear and accurate information about every aspect of your child’s past. When your child is first placed it is easy to be overwhelmed and accept all the information given without reading it properly. However, please try to understand everything you are given as this is an ideal opportunity to get further information and clarification from the people who have been involved with your child.
If you have early meetings with your child’s birth family, write notes of anything they tell you such as why they chose your child’s first name. It will be easy to forget things like this later on, but all
information will become important when your child wants to learn about their past.
You can contact us for information later on, but it will be much harder to get details because the social workers who were involved may have moved on and your child’s record will have been closed.
How should I refer to my child’s birth parents?
Some adoptive parents are unsure of what to call their child’s birth parent. We have found that using their first name is usually the most appropriate option.
How can I help my child explain adoption to their peers?
Most adopted children will encounter situations when they need to explain their history to their peers. This can be difficult because of other children’s preconceptions about adoption, so we recommend that you help your child prepare a ‘cover story’. This should be based on the truth, but must only contain details that your child feels comfortable with.
It may be useful for your child to have two Life Story books: One for the family and a second, abridged version for your child to share with friends if they wish.
How adoptive parents might feel
It is very normal for adoptive parents to experience a range of feelings at different stages. Try to acknowledge these feelings and discuss them with your partner or friends.
It is easy to feel threatened if your child wants to talk about their birth family. Please try to understand that being interested in their past doesn’t mean they’re not happy with you. Imagine how curious you would be if you didn’t have much information about your birth family.
The following are quotes from parents who have previously adopted with us in the past, showing the important, touching and amusing sides of speaking with children about adoption!
“Further to your November In Touch newsletter, I thought I would share recent conversations I have had with my lovely six-year-old daughter Amber.
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“We were travelling to a play area with two of her friends when one of the boys stated, "I've got two dads". Without hesitation, Amber retorted, "Well, I've got two mummies, my tummy mummy and my real mummy, who is driving the car".“About a week later Amber and I were discussing the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist (like you do with a six-year-old!). I explained that a psychologist was like the lady called Cas who we used to see when Amber was confused and did not know who to trust to look after her. As quick as a flash Amber jumped onto my lap and give me a great big hug saying, "Don't be silly mummy, I always knew you were going to look after me and love me".
“This may sound like nothing out of the ordinary, but at two-years-old Amber was probably one of the most disturbed children in care. At three-and-a-half she was diagnosed as having an Attachment Disorder, ADHD and Autism. It's been a long road but very worthwhile.”
Jackie T, adoptive parent
“We have always felt it important - particularly as our boys were very young - to remind them exactly how they came to live with us. We reinforce that they were loved by their birth parents and that their birth parents were given more than one chance to try to look after them etc. Here are some of the comments they have made - maybe as a result of our "openness".
Like the time I was driving the car to our caravan which is an hour and a half's drive away and one of them asked a leading question relating to their lives with their birth family which made the whole journey become an excerpt from 'This is Your Life'! How did we ever get to the caravan? Then every journey to the caravan after that prompted a memory recall and they would ask, "Mum, can you tell us that story again please?" That story was theirs but they almost didn't recognise it, as much as we had tried to reinforce it!
Or the time we all waved goodbye after a contact session and one of the boys said, "Well they looked ok didn't they? They looked like they could be allowed another chance didn't they?" AAAAGH!! Or the time we were all at the local library and the boys chose Burglar Bill books and then proceeded to explain to the kind and gentle librarian - whose eyes were getting wider and wider - that their "Uncle so and so was in jail. That's why they hadn't seen him for a while"! Nearest hole anywhere? Would I be able to take them back without feeling I had to explain myself?
Or maybe the best one was leading up to their adoption. We had read all the right books to them, explained how the Wise Old Owl was going to make the decision etc. Then we realised they thought that when we went to court we were going to be like something out of Winnie the Pooh… with a real owl heading the proceedings!!”
Nicki W, adoptive parent
Speaking with your child about adoption may not always be easy, but that does not mean it should be hidden away. Understanding their history is essential to help them build a solid sense of identity, and as their parent you are the best person to help them with this.
Key points
• Explaining adoption is a continuous process. The same information will have different
meanings for your child as they grow up, and they will need to hear the same stories in more and more detail over the years.
• There is no right time or method to speak with a child about adoption. There are simply opportunities to share facts about their history as their understanding develops.
• Always be honest, however difficult the facts may be. Use words that are appropriate to your child’s level of understanding and leave room for details to be added later on. For example, if your child was abused then you could tell young children, “Your birth mother didn’t really
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know how to look after children and sometimes hurt you”. When your child is ready, give them more information about the nature of the abuse and why it might have happened.
• Although particularly distressing facts are never easy to hear, you can make them easier. Make a distinction between the birth parents’ actions and their value as people. Speak about them with empathy and try to help your child understand why they are the way they are (eg. if their own childhoods were very difficult).
• If your child doesn’t often speak about their adoption, it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested. They may still be making sense of what they have already been told. They may have picked up on your awkwardness in discussing the subject and be nervous about bringing it up. Whatever their attitude, please continue to be open about adoption so it remains a natural part of your family life.
• And finally, speaking about adoption doesn’t always have to be serious and formal. You can make it part of a game, or show your child they are normal by telling stories about other children who are adopted.
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Chapter 14: WHAT IF…
… once I’m approved, nothing happens for ages?
It will happen! The important thing is that we find the right match for both the child and for you. We have already mentioned everything your social worker will be doing behind the scenes, but do give them a ring if you are ever anxious.
The waiting period is scary, but it really won’t last forever. There’s no need to put your life on hold – continue doing the things you have always done and enjoy the time. Things will change when a child is placed and believe us, you will come to miss having time to yourself!
… I decide not to go ahead with an adoptive placement?
This can and does happen, and it is vital that you make the right decision for your family. If you decide that a proposed placement is not right for you then please tell your social worker immediately. They will talk through the issues with you and clarify anything you are unsure about. If you still think that you are not right for the child then it is right not to go ahead with the placement.
Changing your mind about a match can be distressing, but going ahead with a placement you are not comfortable with will damage everyone in the long run. You can change your mind at any point before you legally adopt the child, so please be honest with yourself every step of the way.
… I want to take the child abroad before they are legally adopted?
Try not to plan a holiday soon after the child has moved in with you. It may sound like a big treat for them, but having another move so soon – even if you are coming with them – can be very disruptive and remind them of their previous moves and losses. They may never have had a holiday before, and packing their suitcase may be very unsettling to your developing relationship. Rather than needing ‘treats’, your child’s greatest need is to have a chance to settle down and build confidence in you and their new environment, so they come to believe that their new family is both real and forever.
However, we understand that there is often a long period between placement and a child becoming legally adopted, so there are situations in which it is appropriate to take them abroad. If your child doesn’t already have a passport then you will need to get one in their birth name – they cannot get one in their adopted name until they have been legally adopted.
You must inform the agency who placed your child that you want to take them abroad, giving them plenty of notice. They will provide a letter giving permission to take the child out of the UK – take this with you to avoid any difficulties. The agency will also help you apply for a passport, if needed.
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Please remember that obtaining passports and consent letters can take time, so do this well in advance of your travel dates.
… the child’s legal situation suddenly becomes complex?
If this happens, speak with your social worker straight away. They may suggest that you seek independent legal advice. If so, the child’s agency may pay for this advice but you must check beforehand. Your social worker or the Citizens Advice Bureau can give you a list of solicitors who specialise in child care cases – these are called solicitors on the Child Care Panel.
… my child wants information about their history that I don’t have?
Find out what your child wants to know and contact your social worker or our adoption support team. They will try to get hold of the information you need, for example by contacting the social worker who placed your child or looking at their files.
Please remember that obtaining as much information as possible at the time your child is placed will make things much easier in the long run. Write down everything you find out at the time, as searching for information years later can be difficult.
… my child doesn’t believe what I’ve told them about their history?
Go back to the written information you have been given about your child’s past and show it to them if appropriate. Think about the different levels of understanding children have about adoption (Chapter 12) and whether this is influencing their belief in what you tell them.
If your child continues to disbelieve your version of their story then contact us, as hearing it from a professional should reinforce your words.
… my teenage child wants to meet their birth family?
Firstly, don’t panic! It’s also best if you don’t rush to arrange a meeting straight away. Young people can legally gain access to their adoption records when they are 18, but many find they need more information sooner. Consider what your child is really asking – they may just want more information about their birth family. Have you gone through the information you already have together recently? This may be the time to show them the ‘later life letter’ if you haven’t already done so. Take things slowly and make sure you understand what they really want.
If they continue to say they want to meet their birth family then you should seek some advice from our adoption support team. You know your child better than anyone but we have experience in this area and can help, advise and guide you. Please remember that children can ask to meet their birth family at any age. Anyone would be curious in their situation and it is nothing to do with their
relationship with you. Try not to feel threatened, and remind yourself that you are the one who has parented your child through many stages of their life, wiping away tears, meeting their friends, taking them to their first sleepover… You will be their parent forever, but they can’t help being curious about their origins.
… the media wants my story?
Until the adoption order has been granted, you cann
