THAT DARES TO BE DUMB

THAT DARES TO BE DUMB

75c

(S:

02M4

1981

FEB.N°71

How come some expressions don’t seem to make any sense? See what we mean as we do a little...

FIGURE OF SPEECH-FIGURIN'!

Writer: Murad Gumen Artist; Al Milgrom

AS RIGHT AS RAIN! AS EASY AS TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY!

AS WARM AS TOAST! AS CUTE AS A BUG ON A RUG!

Stan Lee presents

THE MAGAZINE THAT DARES TO BE DUMB Vol. l.No7] I'Cbruary, 1981 LARRY HAMA MARIE SEVERIN JIM OWSLEY

edilor art director manaelng editor JOE AI.BELOproduction DANNY CRESPIproduction manager NORA MACLIN cover production CARL GAFFORD typography

LOUISE JONES nice ladv across the hall

MARVIN M. MALLARD carrion erf/VftrOBNOXIO THE CLOWN complaints ELIOT BROWN, ROBERT CAROSELLA, STU SCHWARTZBERG,

CASPAR THE WONDER PUPPY staff

BOB LARKIN cover ED DAVIS hack cover CRAZY MAGAZINE Vol. 1 No. 71

February, 19B1 Issue. Published rrtonthly by MARVEL COMICS GROUP, £7$ Madison Avenue, New York. N.Y. 10022. All rights reserved. Second Class postage psid at New York, N.Y. ana at ad¬

ditional mailing ofticos (U.S.P.S.

378.490) Postmaater: send all ad- dress change forms to CRAZY SuDscriptlon Dept, do above ad- Oreaa. Price: 754 In the U.S. and Canada. Subacriptlon rates;

$1100 In the U.S., $12.00 In Canada, and $13.00 Ipr foreign subscriptions respectively Includ¬

ing postage Printed In the U.S.A.

The names, characters, and/

orinatltutions useC In CRAZY fic¬

tion and seml-flotlon are ficti¬

tious. Any similarity between them and any existing person or Institution (for other than satirical purposes) Is purely coincidental The eOltors o1 CRAZY MAGAZINE and MARVEL COMICS are not ro- sponsible for unsollolted submis¬

sions. If you insist on sending something anyway, enclose a S.A.

S.E. If you horbor any hopes of overseeing your stuff again. And.

even sc, expect a long wait. The editors are not In erty way respon sible for Obnoxlo The Cfown, nor his unauthorized contests. Mr.

Clown's editorial views are not neceesarllly those of CRAZY MAGAZINE or MARVEL COMICS GROUP. HI mom.

This periodical may rot be eold except by authorized dealers and is sold subject to the condi¬

tions that It shall not be sold or distributed with any part of Its cover Of markings removed, nor in a mutilated condition. All busi¬

ness Inquiries should be ad¬

dressed to Ed Shukln, Vice-Presi¬

dent of Circulation. 9th floor.

Copyright CigeOby:

Marvel Comlca Group A Division Of:

Cadence Industries Corporation Jamas E. Gallon

President Stan Lee Publisher Jim Shooter Editor-In-Chief

In This Issue:

YES, BUT CAN TH EY DANCE?

The Blooze Brothers

(A CRAZY Movie Parody).6 CRAZY GROSS ENCOUNTERS

Part 1: Pavlovian Pup... 12 Part 2: Postal Pugilism.28 Part 3: Pernicious Pistoleros.44 MEAN GREEN TEEN

Toon HulkCNuff Said!).13 END ZONE ZANIES

UnderThe Astro-Turf

(A CRAZY Football Parody).16 OH BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUSTHIGHS

When America Becomes Fat City.19 EXCELSIOR, TRUE BELIEVERS!

Marvel Super-Heroes That

Didn't Quite Make il.21 FANTASY VS. REALITY

Part 1.25 Part 2.36 REVENGE OF THE A.V. SQUAD

CRAZY Looks At Assembly.. 26 ANIMATED ANARCHY

The Kinetic Kids.29 INTERESTING THINGS TO DO

WITH VILE PARTS OF YOUR BODY

Shape Up That Flab.32 WHAT’S GONNA GET CANCELED

IF SKEATES DOESN’T GET FUNNIER?

Howard The Duck.37 PUERILE PUZZLES

FOR PERVERSE PINHEADS

Obnoxio The Clown Fun Pages.40 LARGE LIZARD LYRICS

Rock ’N Roll With Behemoth Jack.42

Milt Schillman Vlce-Prealdenl, Production

Thea Kerman Assistant Counsel

SUPER HEROES Is a rradsrtiark oo*

owned b/lhe Marvel Comics Group.

LET’S GO HOME AND WATCH RADIO W.A.R.P. In Cincinutty

(A CRAZYT.V. Parody).45

TEEN HULK Pg.ia

SUPERHEROES Pg.21

KINETIC KIDS Pg.29

3

STAR SORES You Rebel Fools!!!

I, Baba Fett, wish to inform you (hat I despise your "Empire Strikes On/"par¬

ody. whid) you presented in issue ^6. I have three (count ’em) reasons for haling it so.

First; you have left me out of the cover and story (Jabba the Hut is person¬

ally out to kill Paul Kupperberg)!

Second; those rebels you call 'droids’

are not fit to be on the same cover as Milord Vader!

And third; the pitch on the cover wasn't even a strike! It was a ball!!!

We are sending all our available war¬

ships to laser-blast you guys to kingdom come (by the way, where is that?)!

Baba Fett Somewhere In The Galaxy Dear Crazy,

Well, you idiots messed up this time!

Come on! A Star IVars parody without an outer space scene or battle? Why not try it again and get it right next time.

Michael Bisbee Livonia, MI Dear Fools,

I just bought my first and Iasi issue (#66, the genuine #66) of your magazine. I only bought it because of your satire of The Empire Strikes Back, which is okay, considering.

1 hope you print this, because 1 want

all of your subscribers, both of them, to know what I think of your foolish maga¬

zine. I have to admit that Mad is consid¬

erably funnier and slightly more sophisti¬

cated.

JaneNaughton Westminister. CA P.S. "Bread of Frankenstein" was almost enough to make me heave.

Hey Jane... are you giving us the old heave-ho... —Ed, Crazy,

1 only bought issue #66 because I loved The Empire Strikes Back. Why did you make your satire of the movie so corny? Oh well, there goes 75«.

Susan Sanders Tigard. OK Hey Sue... are you reading this?

There goes $1.50! —Ed.

DcarCrazys,

Boy you guys really know how to spell! In issue #66, on page II, you spelled knight kinght!

Kevin Lopekas Parchment, MI What can we say? We had a rough knight! But. seriou.sly folks, there woz an overwhelming favorah/e response to our Empire... satire, and nv don't have enough room to print the literally hun¬

dreds of letters we’ve received. —Ed.

REGINALD ROOTER'S REVENGE Dear Crazy,

I loved "The Kitten Who Lost His Nose" by Reginald Pouter. However, I think you switched the two pictures with Wise Old Mr. Plastic Surgeon (how do you guys think up such weird names?).

And also, why would Wise Old Mr.

Clown’s (gadzooks! Another weird name!!) parents want to lynch him in the first place?

Daniel Barnett Garland, TX.

Idiots,

I have here your Crazy magazine #66 (the real #66), and I agree with Steve Skeates' mom. I think the man is good, great, hilarious, and stupid! But I love his Children’s Classics - especially "The Kitten Who Lost His Nose"!

Steve Skcaies' Fan Richard Beaver Manassas, Va How many other .Steve .Skeates fans do we haw out there? Tell you what, next time you write us, write "/ Love .Steve Skeates!” on the envelope as a show of support for this great writer (and also make his mom happy). Letters with this on the envelope will get opened first, so Stan writing, folks! Other "Kitten..."

lovers included Jody ,’darshall of Kent.

WA; Paul Oceguera of CA: A rtie Bouvier or LA; Ruth Fisher of Cheswick, PA:

David Caparellioti.s of Framingham, MA;

Max Cross of Detroit, Mi; Kim Daousi of Hasleir, Ml; and Michael D'Addario of Rahway. NJ ^Ed.

WHAT’S BLUE AND GREEN AND DEAD ALL OVER?

Dear Crazy,

l.ssuc #66 must have been the fun¬

niest is.suc in Crazy history! I thought

"Sea-BahooiLs" was fabulous. Not just the parody, but the way they taste.

Dropping a textbook on them was cute, but I find throwing them live through screen doors most delightful. "The Kitten Who Lost His Nose" was even more hilarious. 1 couldn’t stop laughing.

Ethan Davis Vancouver, B.C.

Dear Sirs:

Enclosed you will find a copy of September’s back cover of Crazy. I

4

cannot believe that you could have pub¬

lished such a thing, It seems your com¬

pany is completely devoid of taste or integrity. What a horrible sadistic picture you paint for children. My son usually buys your magazine because he finds them funny, he was very upset about this ad.

You might say that of course it’s all make believe and we should teach our children to differientiate (sic) between fact and fiction, do children really have to he given this sadistic fiction .simply because it’s make believe. 1 can assure you I will never let him waste his money on another Marvel Comic again.

Karen Nielsen No Address Given Hey... hey kid. Does yourmom dress you funny, loo? Other "...Baboons”

tellers were penned by Sammy Lahoz of Corona, NY; and Jerry Walker of Hammond, LA —Ed.

HATE LETTERS OF THE MONTH Dear Crazy,

I think your magazine is absolutely disgusting! You are sickening perverts—

all of you arc! Your magazine Ls a dis¬

grace to humor! You should get some advice from Cracked!!!’’! I personally think no one could be .so disgusting as to make fun of death!!!!!!! Maybe when you die your magazine could do an article on Larry Hama The Dead Pervert, who just happens to be your editor! Your sick editor, that is! Your articles arc com¬

pletely disgusting, your magaazine doesn't really involve humor - just gross trash, that you call humor!

Most of the time you don't even prim letters like this, and when you do, you don’t even have enough guts to answer them: YOU MAKhMESlCK!!!!!!

Teri Hopper No Address Given

Dear Crazy,

How could you print such bad things.

Don't you believe in God. You are in sane. Why don't you print nice and funny things instead of gross and terrible things.

God didn’t pul you in this world to be cruel to others. I hate Obnoxio, he is very very ugly and he looks like a devil, People know clowns to be happy or sad and nice but not mean to them. When you named your magazine Crazy, you should of put Stupid and Cruel. Yon will go to hell.

Why don’t you think about what you write. I mean really. You better print this letter so I can see if you read it. The way I got the book was my brother found it in the trash with a whole bunch more. I seen ya’ll (sic) before on Kids Are People Too!

but you write crummy. By the way your magazine went back in the trash.

Susan Fort Worth, TX

ATTACK OF THE WHOLE WHEAT MONSTER

Crazy,

I just fiiiislied reading ish H66. 1 loved the '‘Lh'inif Bread”. Why not do "Living Booze”?

Jack De Couray New Castle, NH Dear Sirs,

In issue #6fi, the ''Bread of Iranken- siein” parody, the monster stated at one point that the capitol of Kentucky was Louisville. He was in error. The capitol is Frankfort. I .sliould know. 1 live in Kentucky,

Mike Morgan Murray, KY So? Whai do you warn? A bisculi?

Similar missives were sent by Scon Webb of Covins’on, TN; Lori Clock of Wesi Jefferson, OH; and Randy Myers of Free- pori, IL —Ed.

SPACE FILLER Crazy,

1 don’t know much about butnor.

But, then again, you don't, either.

Jill Bartesh Denver, Co Hey. Jill, do you know this guy named Jeff... ? —Ed.

Dear Crazy,

I don’t know Jeff L.illy, but I figure I’ll get this letter printed if I mention his name.

Wade Karlin Riverhead, LI

OBNOXIO’S ABUSE COLUMN

They say you can't judge a book by its cover, and that was my thoughts when I bought your stinking magazine for the first time. However, Crazy magazine — especially your so- called "Fun Page” — was so sicken¬

ing that I almost threw up.

When I threw your magazine out, the sanitation department not only refused to collect it, but also sent a police officer who fined me $15 for dumping obscene garbage in a public garbage can. Crazy stinks! Get lost, you bums!!

Rodolfitos Jara Queens, NY

“Rodolfitos”. huh? Sounds like a disease or somethin’. I mean, what kinda mom would name her kid

“Rodolfitos”? Huh? C’mon, what’s yer real name? Well? It's probably '‘John” or “Sam”,

I got yer picture, but the printers wouldn’t lei me use It 'cuz it might damage their presses. In th’

meantime, I got it tacked up in my kitchen to keep th’ roaches away.

Helps me stay on my diet, too.

'k'k'k'k-k'k'k-'k-'i: ^*'kirkirk

On to the news, gang! Keep yer little beady eyeballs peeled next ish for th’ all-new Crazy “Draw Baby Hulk” contest! That’s right! All you would-be artists get a slnot at borin' us t'death with yer scribbles of the newest member of Marvel’s Hulk family! Wow! Ain’t that terrific? Look fer Crazy #72, on sale January 6.

That's 1961, pea-brain.

—O.T.C.

Address all hate mail to "Obiioxio’s Abuse Column” c/o the address below (and if you send us your picliire, he'll make fun of that, too!) —Ed.

Warning: Sanding Itliaic to tnis column indieatac lha sandal's wlllingrasi lo ba abuted. Publicly, wnaic all tha sandar'a Irlsrds and ralativas can sac. Right haio.

-to MkW2INE

rC/o MARKh COM/CS GroUP

5

BLOOZE BROTHERS Writer: Paul Kupperberg Artist; Dave Morris

Oh, man! What kind of welcome Is this, Eiksclub...? Alter 1 spend three years in prison, you come and pick me up in this old wreck

full of empty beercans-

--get stopped by the cops for speeding and then get half the pol Ice force to chase us at over a hundred miles an hour all around Chicago! You know how I hate

that. Eiksclub!

ril make sure the beer cans are

Hey. this was a great idea, coming to this church to get inspira¬

tion on how to save the orphanage!

You miserabie, sinning swine! We need your heip, you scum! The orphanage

wiil be closed down unless we can pay $5000 in taxes! Please help us, you skunks! Please!!

Ouch! if she wants our help, why ain't she being nice

to us?!

You kidding?

Remember how she used to treat

us as kids? For her, this is nice!

Oh... then we'll steal the money!

don’t wanna together?!

Whew! I'm never going backlo that placel

Oh-oh... It’s the cops again! Quick.

Elksclub-lose 'em!

Why? Because of ail the wanton

destruction we

caused? NaW”’cause1hey

didn't give us any green stamps!

Wait- i-il’s coming to me...!

^ k. t'x ' Yes, by George-

we've gotta get

the band back to¬

V/

gether to raise the

money--

m:

7

Well, It ain’t much"

You mean this Is where you

live?

Y’know, I kinda get the ieeling somebody don’t

like usi

Naw-that's just the doormani He’s ticked oH 'cause I

never tip him!

O.K.,Jerk... O.K.IM'll give up this high paying job, disap¬

point my wife and humiliate my children by playing with

the band agatn--

Hey--WAIT UPPER US, YOU

GUYS.

Gee, I'm sorry, Jer! I-I got carried away!

Elksclub, you dummy-- look what you've done!

You should be

C’mon, Ray - we need these instru' merits to raise money for orphans!

Give me one good reason why you won’t let us have them!

Now that we’ve got a band and instruments,

we needajobi Details..

details!

Well, we’ve got a gig that'll raise the money for the orphans but the police, radical

facscist groups and an irate country and western band are out for our blood! How are we gonna get inside to play?!

Wow-the phone company sure gets nasty over one

lousy little slug!

Maybe we could buy tickets...?!

r

sons!

You should've thought of that before we left,

man!

‘M . ' ^

■ k

So...d’you think anybody noticed

we were in town?

S^-'.

1 ^{^}

-But now we’re gonna send you back where you belong! Yeah, you guys thought you could

escape, but we knew you'd have to go back sooner or later!

Y’know.

Jerk... I get the feeling we’re not Well-we’ve

saved the orphanage!

Gu/p,'Y-you wouldn’t make us go back there.,,!

SO GET OUT THERE Hah! You turkeys have had it!

You’re not so big that you can escape your past-

aa@7 GROSS ENCOUNTERS PARIl

PAVLOVIAN PUP

12

13

A CRAZY EXPOSE

Writer and Artist: Arnoldo Franchioni

1 ■■■

^Q

l: ^H

When America Becomes

PAT ©ITT.

i

A

People will get more for their money when buying clothing.

It's still too tight! Make it

bigger!

I should charge by the

yard, maybe!

People on diets will eat to gain weight! _

Give me 3 apple pies, and a dozen danish.

I'm starting that new Pastry diet.

Sv

Bathroom scales will become obsolete. No one will care how much they weigh.

Strenuous sports like racing will be replaced by ones like pie-eating contests.

Ill

Here we are live at the Indianapolis Feedway, where we are about to begin the 500,000calorie

race...

||>l III uril«IM1lll1IIMIMIIIIIIIIIIMIIinilM Mill •lIMimillllMtlimtMiKIIHili If I

Instead of Paris, the new center of women’s fashions will be Saudi Arabia, home of Omar the tent maker.

T.V. programming will change.

Exercise shows will be replaced by cooking shows.

Today we’re going to add a few inches to that bulging waistline

^ baking a Black Forest chocolate

cake.

MV-^37 V fK^fH

The Army will no longer be able to travel on its stomach.

But Sarge, my hands

can't touch the

ground!

Crime rates will go down because no one will have any money left after buying their weekly food supply.

Oil

21

PAUL KIRCHNER

->UST

i'^'S >v

WILLV WATSON, A yOUN& NEWSBOV, WAS OlVEN A SPECIAL POWER BV AN ANCIENT WIZARO. HE HAS ONLY TO SAY A MAGIC WORD...

n

■■

1

1"

1

ELDERLY MAN REMEMBERS WHEN A DOLLAR WAS WORTH A DOLLAR! ELPERLy MAN REMEMBERS WALKING IS MILES TO

SCHOOL EVERY PAY! ELDERLY MAN REMEMBERS WHEN ORSON WELLES WAS thin; /—

THE ONLY THING ELDERUV MAN HAS TROUBLE REMEMBERING- IS THE WORD THAT CHANGES HIM BACK TO WILLY WATSON...

GERONIMO?

GERANIUM?

JERICHO?

GER8IL?

‘CAUSE Z'M

MISDEMEANOR

> NAAN I

NOTHING- CAN STOP HIM

HE SKITTERS- HE SCURRIES ME SQUEEZES THROU&H

CRACKSl IN AOUIET SECTION OP

THE CITY, A MAM STEPS FROM THE CURB...

I WON’T REST TIUU I WIPE EVERY JAYWALKER. LITTERBUG-, AND SUBWAV SPITTBR OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH)

IN THE EXECUTIVE SUITE OF A LARGE CORPORATION.

WMTE-eOLLAR CRIMINAL HATCHES A VICIOUS SCHEWE

I'LL MOVE THIS DECIMAL POINT ONE R-ACE TO THE LEFT...

...LIST THESE FIGURES UNDER. THE COSTCWERRUN ESTIMATES WHILE SHIFT¬

ING- FOREIGN REVENUES TO CAPITAL EXPENDITURES, AND COMBINE LAST YEAR'S INVOICES TO THE T0rAL...

...THEN ruL KEV THE COMPUTER TO REROUTE THE FUNDS TO MY NUMBERED SWISS ACCOUNT. ^ ^

BUT WHITE-COLLAR CR/M/NALHAS RECKONED WITHOUT C.P.A.AAAN, CHAMPION OF PROPER BOOKKEEPING-!

AFTER A RADIOACTIVE REFRIGERATOR FELL ON FRED FERUICK.HE AWOKE TO FINP HE POSSESSED STRANGE NEW POWERS'

FRED FERUCK HAD BECOME REPRiG-ERATOR MAN! REFRIGERATOR MAN CAN DISPENSE ICE CUBES FROM HIS PANTS!

REFRIGERATOR MAN CAN CHILL DRINKS WITH HIS UNDERARMS!..

AND WHEN HE OPENS HIS MOUTH, A LITTLE LIGHT GOES OK!

;y*psv>

FIRST THERE WAS DOC STRAN&C,WMO USES HIS MVSTIC POWERS TO BATTLE THE FORCES OF EVIL FRONfl THE DARK PI MENSIONS...

WOUUP you LIKE TO Buy A MAGAZINE,SIR? IT’S ONLY S5 ANP PROCEEPS BENEFIT OUR PRUG REHABILITATION

PROGRAM FOR ELDERLY k RUNAWAYS!

HB PATROLS THE AIRPORTS WITH A SMILE ON HIS LIPS ' ANP A GLAZE

IN HIS EYES!

...NOW THERE’S OOC FLAKY, WHO USES HIS MYSTIC POWERS TO WIN BIG BUCKS AT THE TRACKl

My HEART WAS POUNDING LIKE A .50 ON FULL- AUTO. IT WAS AFTER Ll&HTS- OUT. A RUN-IH WITH THE M.PS WOULD GET US A WEEK SWABBIN’

LATRINES.

THE SQUAP WAS LOST...THE BARRACKS ALL LOOKED THE SAME, AND THE DARKNESS DIDN'T HELP. NEITHER PIP THE FACT THAT I COULDN'T GET UP OFF MV HANDS AND KNEES WITHOUT EYPERIENCING NAUSEA.

AND HIS LAID-BACK COMMANDOS

IT WAS NIGHT.,, THE COMMANDOS AND I WERE RETURNING FROM AN OFF BASE PRINKING EXPEDITION. WE WERE TRASHED, TO SAY THE LEAST.

BAD NEWS,SARGE.

LOOKS LIKE THE MAJOR'S BEEN WALKING HIS DOG

IN THIS AREA.DISCO FOUND OUT THE V HARD WAY...

THE GROSS REALITY...

I've never seen Mickey Mouse

underwear b’fore!!

I’ve got my Polaroid In my locker—1

stuck!!

■ Good grief!!

I knew I should have fixed

■7 that rip!! _ There’s TAD!

not stuck!

Get down here

immediately! YELP!!

God!! Why didn’t I shave

my legs?!

I think it escaped from the Biology rr \

Labi!

WHINE!

CRAZy Looks

...r-remember, Mongo... "The lion shall lie down

with the lamb!

What happened to you? You look awful If you don’t stop it,

Moose. I'll tell the principal on youl

1 thought you knew how to operate a projector, Mike!?

Groan! I tried the Chicken Ferrari in the school cafeteria ...it turned out to

be a chicken that was run over by an

Italian sportscar!

Oh yeah? If you tell on me, I'll pound your head Into the side¬

walk, wimp!

Yeah, but nobody never said nothin' about the lambgettin

up again!

of course, <t was just a suggestion...!

Yeah, Ralph, I tried to give up smoking once. I tried gum

instead!

Sure! You can copy my geometry homework for the

class next period, Dan!

How did that

workout? Gee, that’s real nice of you!

Now I feel guilfy-you know, I was the one who told the

principal that it was you who broke the window in

the gym last week!

I heard that before she became a music teacher

Miss Hawthorne was on the stage!

Not so good! I couldn’t keep it lit!

Yeah-she used to drive one between Laredo and Dodge

City!

I know! That’s why I’m letting you copy my homework-l’m

flunking geometry!

t Assembly Paul Kupperberg ^Writer:

Artist:

Ned Sonntag

I do know how to run

the pro- joctor-it’s getting the

film into the projec¬

tor that I haven't quite fig¬

ured out yet!

You should know better than to play football in the

auditorium, Larryl What do you have to say for yourself?

That's a poor excuse for your tardiness,

young man!

Well, I would've had the touchdown

if you hadn'ta' gotten in my way!

I know... but it was the best I could do on such short notice!

Well, gee whiz, Mr. Farnsworth"

the principal did tell us to take

our seats...!

What are you, Murray ...

some kind of trouble¬

maker?! How comeyqu didn't stand for the Pledge of Allegiance?

You stuck-up or some¬

thing?

'He ever told t you were utlful?

No. sir... stuck down! Some idiot left bubblegum on my

seat!

h... yeah--and this the first time I've ever been sorry

that I was!

I saw Mr. Poznerwas having an argument with kids from that street gang earlier. Wonder how

that turned out...? Where is Mr.

Pozner anyway!?

Miss Simpson is so old that on

herbirthday, Abraham Lin¬

coln used to get the day off!

He's backstage. That’s him - the one hanging from the rafters--!

‘Samcmss encounters ^part2

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What is probably the most neglected part of our Now, aided by the modern art of Flabbuifding, bodies? Flab! We build up our muscles with FLAB IS FIGHTING BACK! So don’t hide those exercise; we whiten our teeth with toothpaste; we droopy sags and pulpy paunches. Stand up and be pamper our hair with shampoo. But when we are not counted! Or better yet, stay seated — it uses fewer ignoring our flab, most of us are cruelly attempting calories. Take charge of that flab and mold a new to annihilate it. and shapelier you!

Avoid extremes in shaping your flab.

This fellow is an urtsightly mess, be¬

cause all of his flab has settled in one end of his body.

This fellow Is an unsightlier mess.

His flab has accumulated at the other end of his body. Flabbuiiders should strive for the “Golden Mean’’.

This fellow has achieved the

“Golden Mean”, Avoiding either ex¬

treme, his flab Is neatly centered, re¬

sulting In an aesthetically harmonious effect.

[NC!>Wj5iigC>itfW

-s atTWPit '■^ TMM

Th« serious FlabbuitderwUI not wait for (lab to happen along, but will engage in rigorous activities to cultivate it.

These drawings illustrate the proper use of a Slarrt Board.

STEP ONE

Lie down on Slant Board with feet under snkle strap and hands behind head. Do not sit up.

STEP TWO

Do not sit up again.

STEPTHREE

Do not sit up again. Repeat until fatigued. (Start slowly.

With practice, you’ll soon be able to not sit up a hundred times or more with ease.)

Barbells should be used with care. The actual weight is unimportant, so long as the barbell never loses contact with the

STEP ONE

In first session bend over, grasp the bar securely, and do not lift it ten times.

STEP TWO

As with the Stant Board, gradually in¬

crease the number of times that the Barbell is not lifted.

HELPFUL NOTE

A television nearby will relieve boredom, and may help develop pockets of flab in the brain.

No, not Muscle Tone •• Flab Tone!

Check yours out.

Grab a portion of loose flab, stretch it taut over your lips, and blow.

Poor Flab Tone Good Flab Tone

Collecting flab is not enough; It must be shaped.

Dedicated Flabbuilding aims at “living sculpture", with the body as raw material. Below, an aspiring Flabbuilder adopts an unusual position in order to

aid the shaping process.

i

I

Clever Flabbuilders like this prizewinner may create sculptures in modern abstract styles.

Then there’s the advanced technique popularized by famous Ftabbullder Arnold Schmartznoggin...

Champion Flabbuilder Marvyn Florb amazed dentists by isolating a hither¬

to unsuspected pocket of flab In one of his lower teeth.

Through subtle isometric exercises, Flabbuilders pictured above developed flab in the eyesockets, nose, and earlobes.

Shown here with trusted pumping assistant, Arnold’s impressive flab is almost undetectable amid masses of disgustingly healthy muscle tissues.

As pumping assistant mans air- pump, crafty Arnold reveals artfully concealed flab in his arm, ankle, little finger and the back of his left knee.

By tensing well-choset> muscles, practical-joker Arnold reveals even more artfully concealed flab in his surprised pumping assistant.

NOW’S THE TIME TO MAKE YOUR CHOICE!

Shun your foolish friends as they fritter away their time and money on health foods and jogging togs.

Fickle Mr Muscle will leave them high and dry unless they buckle down and sweat. But de¬

pendable Mr. Flab will be your de¬

voted buddy if you do nothing at all!

35

THE FASCINATING FANTASY...

...AND THE REPUGNANT REALITY.

Artists: Ed Hannigan and Al Milgrom 36

STcmi Lee ^presents;

Writer: Steve Skeates

Artists: Pat Broderick and Armando Gil

SATIRE

>[J ^PARODY

O SPACE-FILLER

“So I was out combing the country¬

side... in search of this fresh, as-of- yet untrained talent... when suddenly...

Aww, it’sjustafrogi w

\'/ '< k

Rats! I wanted some¬

one who could join me on the stage!

1 |

Now, wait just a minute! What makes you think I couldn't be

on the stage?

rr What? A talking frog?

%

,'.vi

■ Eureka! What a beautiful bass!

That’s just what I’ve been looking for!

7'^

Vs

\ ^5?

No, no! Must be my imagination! Per¬

haps I've been working too hard

lately!

Af

"I shook the insanity out of my mind and continued my search! And soon I heard a voice as beautiful as the frog's but much higher pitched...''

Wow!

X- .1

-LC

1

Miss, I couldn t help but overhear

your fantastic voice! You know, with a little help, I could make you a famous opera star!

m

m

But first of all you've got to learn to pro¬

ject! You’ve got to open your mouth wide, like this, and...

Now. wait a minute, mister! I haven’t fin¬

ished talking to you!

I still wanna know what makes you think

I can’t-

VM^yM

f /

:s.^

“But just then..." Uh-oh!

l"* IkV

38

"The girl hadn't seen what had hap¬

pened, but she seemed to instinct¬

ively understand..."

What’s vi/rong, darling? Do you have a frog in your

throat?

Here! Let me kiss It for you and make tt all

better!

-y

You see, the frog was actually a prince some evil witch had put a spell

on! And when the girl kissed him, she tra'ns- formed him back into a

' ■ e!

h

But, by trana forming in¬

side my throat, he

blew me apart, send¬

ing various sections of my body into the severr sur communities

-rMl

-I

This is ridiculous!

If ail that hap¬

pened, how can you possibly still

be alive?

■ i"'''

•‘Infill

iK .

%■

I'm a crummy janitor in a lousy burlesque house...

39

CLOWN

f(/t4PiXGES

Writer: Virgil Diamond Artist: Alan Kupperberg

^ Study the people in the below for one

^

the page and see it you can remember what they’re doing without looking...

Connect the dots and you’ll find out what the school gyn smells like after 100 students have just done 60 sit-ups, 70 push-ups, 80 deep knee bends and 90 laps around a 1O0 meter track.

PPT‘5

PPT/

40

If your mom isn’t such a good cook, you might Prepare for the next blackout by making your own..

Dandruff has the consistancy of wax — and It’s super cheap!

/‘Tl* ©gTTEB ( TOtleHT I ACANPL©'

Hint: II dandruff begins to flake off the candles, coat them with a fine layer of ear wax

PIC SNORTING CONTEST'

Everyone gets on their hands and knees in a mud puddle and starts snorting like a pig.

CWHERE IN PERDITION IS NEWPOUNDl-ANP*;

THESE ARE THE PUNCHLINES TO MY FAVORITE JOKES

“They can’t throw the dogs high enough.”

"What? in this weather?"

"So how come the milkman gets to park his truck in mommy’s garage?"

"Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!”

“Not you — The other one!"

"The cat ate the doves, should 1 throw the cat down?"

Bonjour, brontosaur! it’s the beast with the best Behemoth Jack... presenting

Writer David Allikas Artist: Dave Morris Featuring chart&usters as they sounded before eleventh-hour

revisions

Here's a band that’s been around as long as I have... the Strolling Stones!

A certain actress with a 4-by-4 inch smile

Made quite a bundle chasing felons, Charlie-slyle.

She quit to make her movie aebut;

That was a slight promotional miscue.

A fledgling actor made an Oscar-winning flick And then decided that directing was his schtick.

From all the people his movies drew, That rates as a promotional miscue.

_

They've turned to reggaei disco; punk, too;

A decade-long promotional miscue.

There’s more to come, fans... but stick around anyway

Listen to Elfin John... followed by Olivia Newton>Flg!

Oh, Utile imports

How Detroit detests little imports,

“if you buy a Saab or Volks You’ll take lobs away from folks Like you!”

on. little Imports

“They 're a foreign plot ^-- UtUe irr\ports, Tell Japan to fly a kite

And support the red and white And blue!"

Well, it isn’t that I'm no patriot If I don’t drive a Ford or Chevy ^- They ‘ve a bevy of sub-compact styles;

But they conk out After 15,000 miiesl

My voice is bland But this movie

Win make you forget that fact

‘Cause when youve seen me act You'll be screaming, “Sing!"

Garbage Tike this gets released;

Have to agree that it’s tragic

Four bucks a head folks are fleeced;

But though It's a bomb to you, Not from Gene Kelly's view;

r%lt Wa

Be sure to tune in next month.

or I'll swallow your _ neighborhood!_

Toodles, pterodactyls!

GROSS ENCOUNTERS PARTS

PERNICIOUS PISTOLEROS

44

'•*wa

*

IN CINCINUTTY

Writer: Murad Gumen Artist: Kent Gamble

Are-are you sure this exercise will Increase my virility,

Feeble?

What Is Dr. Feeble doing here when he isn't scheduled to go on

for six hours? Doesn't he know radio performers don't stick around the station before or after

their shows?

I don't believe it! This is the twenty-sixth guy today who wanted to

pick up Janitor!

Aw, God! Not another one!

It could be worse! What If he

wanted to pick

Janitor, with a body like yours, why are you a secretary?

Couldn'tyou land yourself a more

imaginative job? You mean like an actress-model?

No, I mean more like a... a bookkeeper!

Say, just what is it that you do?

Ooohh! You guys make me so angry with your crass, sexist remarks! May 1 remind you that i don’t tit the “beauti¬

ful but dumb” stereotype... I got this job for what I can do!

I’m a sexy, desirable woman too! Why does Janitor get all the attentiort around here?

Yeah, her left boob, her right boob, and

both!

Well, Beetle... she’s got three things that you

don’t have!

Well, 1... Isit around, and...and I

walk a lot!

That’s not true! I don’t always agree with the boss... only when

he says some- How come you're such a

yes-man sometimes?

In the morning we get orders for

commercial spots, and in the

afternoon they're can¬

celed!

So, Mr. Carsize...

how's business?

About fiHy-llHy. I’d say

I think he’s tryin more for a raise

There are too many rock and disco stations In

Cincinutty! As program director,

I suggest a new change in format!

Tell me what’s on your mind, Travesty, while I

get my exercise!

Say, that’s a great Idea! I love C&W! Maybe 1can perform one of my favorite

songs on the air!

Aw, boss, do you have to!

I didn’t know you could sing Mr. Carsize!

This means we have to gel a C&W oriented sales manager and disc

jockeys! How are you going to let the guys

know they’re fireci?

There’s an art to that, Less, m’boy! First you build’em

up, then you let them have

it! Watch- Sure I can! Listen — Figaro, Figaro,

Fi-ga-rowvtf/w.... Uh... that's not a country

& western song!

I didn't say It was ••

it’s just one of my favorites! You think I can perform

It, huh, can 17 Please?

Hey, guys I have great news! You're all going to get laid...

I decided to replace you with a coun¬

try-oriented program director! Meet John Revolts!

That’s It, Travesty...

take it like a MAN!

NO! You can’t DO thall This would mean

I have to buy my con¬

tact lenses one at a time! Please... please don't (sniffiel) please...

please don’t tire me, boss! esoo-hoo.';

This is terrible, man! Where else can I get a Job-me.ajive- talkerwlth soul!

Or me, a jive- talker with no

soul!

Life's tough- that's the way it goes! You’d all do well to take the news

like men!

Travesty.

Now here’s what I think we otighitado...

I have plans, Mr. Carsize... big plans! How about starting our new format off with a bang? I’ll invite

top-oT-the-chart Canny Rogers himself to sing LlVEi

We're busy now, Janitor!

Why don’t you get Less to

handle the creep?

Hear what?

Get your el bow outta my ear!

Suream, little lady!

You can do two itsy-bitsy things...

show me in to Mr.

Revolta, and {drool!)glmmeyour

phone number!

Right this way, Mr.

Rogers!

Are you implying I don't sing well? I'll have you know I prac¬

tice singing everytimeT

shower!

Why, you’re Canny Rogers, aren't you If we knock Canny out and make

Nerd take his place, we can make a disaster out of Revolta's debut and

get our jobs back!

Knock him out, Vainest!

Whatth’—?

The man'sawlldcatl

1

\\

Here comes Revolta and the

brass!

Like the song goes... "Video

killed the radio star!" Mr. Carsize, are you gonna dig this I Here's Canny for his gig! Why don’t you open it up with a number, ol’ buddy?

Quick, Nerd! Put

his outfit on!

Surethang!

On a cold July's mornin’

On a rowboat tied to a dock I met up with a gambler

We were both too willin' to cheat

You gotta know when to stall ’em Know when to call 'em

Know when to stalk away When to go tor your gun

Don’t you see, Mr Carsize? That’s

not Canny Rogers! Revolta

tried to make a fool out of you!

This Is terrible!

You're fired, Revolta!

The rest of you have your jobs back!

Yippee! You can wake up Canny now, Feeble!

N-no...the last fellow who tried to pick me up is (boo-

hoo) dating BEETLE!

I ain’t givin' him no mouth to-mouth, man I

Me neither! Hey! Why don't we gel Less...

That may be a problem man! He’s,..uh...not

breathing!

This...(sob)...is a real tragedy!

Ah... good to see theo!' gang back to

normal here at WARP!

What? That Canny may be

dead?

THE LOOK THAT’S RIGHT!

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50

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