Blogging Twilight

(1)

BLOGGING THE TWILIGHT SAGA BY DAN BERGSTEIN

1 1

(2)

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PREFACE 8

TWILIGHT BLOG PART 1 (THE FIRST 50 PAGES) 9

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 2 11

2 2

(3)

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 1 73

3 3

(4)

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 1 188

4 4

(5)

BLOGGING HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: PART 18 297

BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 1 351

5 5

(6)

BLOGGING BREAKING DAN: PART 18 437

BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 18 (REVISITED) 438

6 6

(7)

7 7

(8)

Blogging Twilight:

Preface

Your SparkNotes editors are fascinated by Twilight: the Stephen King brouhaha, the copycat

vampires, the movie version, the sequel, and most of all, Sparklers' violent hatred of, and love for, the series. So imagine our shock when we learned that one of our favorite writers, Dan Bergstein, had never read the books before! We insisted that he get up to speed on the

phenomenon. And, of course, we asked him to blog about his reading experience. Take it away, Dan-o! —SparkNotes editors

Before we get started, there are a few things you should know: 1. In the interest of full disclosure: I am a guy.

2. It's not my goal to tear apart the books or make fun of the fan base. In fact, I understand the series' appeal. Twilight is Star Wars for the female set, in terms of pop culture impact. And that's great. Besides, if you love Twilight, or anything else, for that matter, you shouldn't let anyone change your mind or make you feel bad about it.

3. There will be spoilers. To blog about reading the books, I'll need to talk about major plot points. So if you're one of the few who hasn't read them yet, buy the books and read along with me. And if you're a longtime fan, comment and tell me what I'm getting right and wrong.

4. Here's what I know about the series before even cracking the spine:

• Bella is the main character.

• Edward is a vampire.

• Bella and Edward fall in love.

• Edward has crazy hair.

8 8

(9)

Twilight Blog Part 1 (The first 50 pages)

The Preface

Bella's about to die at the hands of the hunter! But she probably won't be killed, if for no other reason than there are four other books to get through. The hunter saunters towards her…and the preface is done. This wins the award for shortest preface ever.

Chapter One

No vampires here, just a lot of explanation about Bella and her family. Lonely Bella moved to her dad's house in rainy Washington State because her mom is busy traveling around the country. Broken home? Check. Angst-ridden daughter who calls her dad by his first name? Check. Lots of rain and clouds? Check. So far, this seems like the plot of every Sundance award winning film ever made. All that's missing is a shocking, raw sex scene and a few cancer-related deaths.

As a homecoming present, Bella's dad buys her a very used truck. And off Bella goes to her first day at a new school. Again, no vampires are mentioned, unless the truck is a vampire. (That would be cool!)

At school, she has a rough first day of being "the new kid." People stare, and Bella feels uncomfortable. We quickly meet Eric, whom Bella describes as the chess club type. Bella could have simply told the reader, "I will never kiss Eric." Better yet, she should tell Eric this, because she's just leading the poor guy on.

Bella goes through some more classes and eventually ends up at lunch, where she first sees the Cullen/Hale family. These must be the vampires, because they are really attractive and strange. Bella goes on and on about how hot these teens look.

Why is attractiveness part of the vampire mythos? It seems unfair to say the least. There should be some overweight vampires or vampires with knobby knees and bad bangs. If only the gorgeous get bitten, it would be smarter to gain a lot of weight than to hang garlic in your room. Easier too. Perhaps later in the book, someone will explain why only attractive people get bitten by vampires.

The vamps are Edward, Alice, and Emmet Cullen, and Jasper and Rosalie Hale. When is the last time you read about a vampire named John Smith or Jennifer Johnson? They always have old, historic names. If the vampires are hundreds of years old, that makes sense. But surely new vampires have been created since the turn of the century. Where are the vampires named Jeff Miller or Stacy Rodriguez? Or Beyonce? Still, it could be worse. They could be named Dracula or Angel.

9 9

(10)

Bella mentions the old names of the vampire clan. But Bella's own name is freaking "Isabella Swan"! Sorry, but people in glass houses shouldn't pose questions about outdated names.

Once Bella's done drooling all over them, she finally asks one of her new friends about the Cullen/Hales. Turns out they're adopted by a doctor and his wife, and they all keep to themselves. Some of the adoptive kids are dating one another. Perverts.

We all know that Edward is going to be the center of Bella's attention so it's no surprise that Bella is forced to sit next to him during biology class. But the two don't hit it off, as Edward acts scary and distant towards Bella. Perhaps he is afraid of her. But more likely, he doesn't like bragging, and Bella brags quite a bit to the reader. Throughout the first two chapters, she constantly reminds the reader that she's already done the required reading for her new school, and covered the material in her new biology class too. Way to go, Bella. You win. It's no wonder Edward is acting cold. No one likes a braggart, even if she only shows off to herself.

After gym class, Bella heads to the office and sees Edward trying to change biology classes. She thinks it's impossible that someone can dislike her so much. I don't like her. She brags too much.

Chapter Two

The next day at school is better for Bella, as she is starting to get more comfortable. That's pretty much all that happens here. She also cooks for her dad, emails her mom, and brags some more about getting ahead of her homework and rereading Wuthering Heights just for the fun of it. Who does that?

At school, she keeps an eye out for Edward, who's absent for a few days. (Bladder infection? Kidney disease? Vamp diarrhea? It's not explained, but one can only guess what a strictly liquid diet does to the digestive tract.).

He finally shows up, but now he's the nicest guy on the planet. Bella and Edward have an awkward but pleasant conversation, and Bella notices his eyes have changed colors. They share a moment of electricity when their skin touches. This is either a sign of love, or static electricity. Since static shocks are never mentioned in romance novels, I'll go with the former. (Incidentally, hiccups are never mentioned in romance novels either, unless they are of some symbolic significance. So keep your eyes open for such things.) Since Bella knows everything about biology, she quickly does the assigned lab with Edward.

Predictions for the next 50 pages:

Edward will send Bella a note that reads: "Do you like me? Circle one: Yes/No." Bella will respond by circling the dash mark. She will continue to boast about how far ahead she is with the readings and biology homework, and tell the reader that she can juggle and lift really heavy things over her head, too.

10 10

(11)

Blogging Twilight: Part 2

A few thoughts before

we begin:

It's too early to tell if I actually enjoy the story, but I don't dread picking up the book. That's a good thing.

Thanks to everyone who answered my vampire questions. If I get something wrong, which will happen, please feel free to correct me in the comments. That said, let's get on with the show.

Chapter Three

Bella can't stop thinking about Edward Cullen. On the drive to school, she isn't sure how to handle all the attention she's getting from boys like Eric (the nerd) and Mike (um…not sure what kind of student Mike is. Let's call him a spaz-dork-skater-surfer-dweeb). She even suggests that things might be easier if everyone ignored her. Unfortunately, I can't ignore her.

She arrives at school and notices her dad was kind enough to put chains on her truck tires to prevent her from slipping on the icy, snowy roads of dreary Forks, WA. While she's looking at the chains, something happens.

Maybe I'm a poor reader, but it was only after rereading the action scene that I managed to figure out what goes down: A van skids across the icy school parking lot towards Bella. She sees the van and sees Edward, who is far away. Before the van smashes into Bella, Edward miraculously saves her life, utilizing his vampire strength and speed. Bella has no idea how Edward could have come to her aid so fast. But instead of being grateful, she rudely peppers her hero with questions such as, "How did you get here so fast?" Maybe this is how people say thanks in Bella's hometown of Phoenix, AZ. To stop this sudden Spanish Inquisition, Edward says he'll explain everything to her later.

11 11

(12)

Bella, Edward, and Tyler, who was driving the runaway van, are taken to the hospital. Edward gets to sit up front in the ambulance, probably because he's a vampire and one of their many powers (along with super speed and strength) is the ability to sit shotgun in any vehicle.

And speaking of vampire powers: I don't get it. So far, these vamps are very strong and super fast. Plus, as you told me in the comments, they become attractive to help lure their prey. But if they already have incredible strength and speed, why do they need movie star looks? Maybe they're lazy. Or maybe they use their strength and speed to catch the blind, who aren't tempted by the good looks. But whatever the reason, these vampires seem over-powered. And so far, Meyer is introducing more and more abilities with each chapter.

At the hospital, Bella pulls Edward aside and demands that he explain how he saved her life. He lies, claiming he was at her side moments before the accident, and telling her she's confused because she bumped her head. She refuses to accept this, and gets angry. After Edward says, "Can't you just thank me and get over it?" she finally and reluctantly offers her thanks. Remind me never to save Bella's life.

The rest of the conversation is a petty fight between the two, during which Bella suggests that things would have been better if Edward hadn't saved her at all. She should watch what she says. As anyone who's seen Home Alone or 13 Going on 30 knows, people in fictional stories should be careful what they wish for.

Bella leaves the hospital, goes home, and has her first dream about Edward.

Prediction: By the end of the series, it will be revealed that along with super strength, good looks, and great speed, the vampires also have heat vision, cloaks of invisibility, and missile-launching kneecaps. Plus, to further entice their victims, vampires make delicious tacos. And to tempt infants, they sprout long sticks from their foreheads with shiny keys attached.

12 12

(13)

Blogging Twilight: Part 3

Chapter Four

Bella dreams she is trying to catch up with her dream boy, but can't. For the record, I hate dream sequences in books, movies, and TV shows (David Lynch films excepted). It's a very lazy way to tell a story, and the dreams are always prophetic...and boring.

My dreams are never profound. They're usually about taking math tests and mowing the carpet.

Unless...of course! The carpet represents my innermost desire and the lawnmower symbolizes my other innermost desire!

Bella quickly summarizes the month that follows: Edward ignores her. She ignores him. Meanwhile, everyone else at the school is in love with her. There's an upcoming "Girl's Choice" spring dance, which causes a bit of high school drama. Do schools still hold such girls-ask-the-guys dances? I thought they only existed in the 1950s and in movies.

Mike wants Bella to ask him to the dance, but Bella's friend Jessica is going to ask Mike to the dance. Mike then asks Bella if Bella is going to ask him to the dance...and then I lost interest. To let all the guys down easy, Bella tells everyone that she's going to Seattle the weekend of the dance.

Edward finally apologizes for being rude, but Bella is not listening. She wants the truth. He explains that they can't be friends, and she goes off on the whole "You should have let me die" rant.

Eric the nerd asks Bella if she's going to the dance, and she shoots him down. Presumably, Eric goes home and listens to Linkin Park to ease his pain.

Bella heads home, thinks about Edward, and cooks chicken. The next day, Edward approaches her in the parking lot and asks if she needs a ride to Seattle next week. Of course, she accepts his offer. (Note to readers: Letting spooky, schizophrenic boys drive you to a major city leads to your tragic story being made into a Lifetime Original Movie. Consider this your warning.)

Prediction: Eric will try to impress Bella with his World of Warcraft character. Bella will say, "Oh, that's nice." Eric will misinterprets this comment and run home to tell his mom he finally has a girlfriend. Poor, poor Eric.

13 13

(14)

Blogging Twilight: Part 4

Chapter Five

At lunch, Edward stares at Bella in the cafeteria and beckons her over to sit with him.

They talk for a bit. She describes his eyes as "ocher" on two separate occasions in this chapter. It's a strange word. I'm assuming author Stephenie Meyer ran out of other ways to say "dreamy, sexy gold." Or maybe she has thousands of ways to

describe his eyes, but she's saving them for another book, entitled Edward's Eyes

Thesaurus.

Edward and Bella seem to be striking up a friendship. But he's quick to say, "I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you." How coy! We all know that he's not a good friend because he's a vampire. But Bella hasn't figured that out yet. So when he calls himself a bad friend, she must assume this means he cheats at bowling, forwards those annoying chain-letter emails, or spoils movie endings.

Bella then stares at Edward's ocher eyes, and says she's trying to figure out what he is, exactly. Among her theories: he's a superhero. Of course, instead of just saying, "I couldn't decide if he was Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker," she says, "I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker." It should be noted that no one has ever used the word "vacillating" when talking to themselves. It sounds like an air-conditioning term, or something Mr. Burns would say.

Their conversation continues, and Bella gets frustrated that Edward is being sly about his true self. All of this could have been avoided if she'd done what I do when confronted with a super-sexy member of the opposite sex who has mood disorders: I simply ask them bluntly, "Are you a vampire?" and "Can I kiss your mouth?"

The conversation drops to a sexy whisper. Bella says that Edward isn't bad. He whispers back, "You're wrong." For fun, I recommend reading this conversation as if Bella and Edward are screaming their quotes. It's also fun to add "dumb ass" to the end of every one of their lines of dialogue throughout the entire book. Try it yourself!

Bella realizes she's going to be late for biology, and Edward tells her he's skipping class. We quickly learn why: The biology teacher is requiring the students to prick their fingers to determine their blood type. In this age of AIDS education, I find it unlikely that

14 14

(15)

bloodletting would be assigned in the classroom. Perhaps this teacher will also conduct biology labs called "Everybody Smoke," and "Let's Find Out What Knives Taste Like." At the sight of blood, Bella gets squeamish and nearly faints. Mike offers to take her to the nurse. As they walk to the other building, two things happen. First, Bella needs to lie down on the cement. And second, I realize that whoever built this school in rain-drenched Washington was an idiot. Build a damn hallway. Or tunnels. Also, from what I gather, this is a pretty small school, so why does it feel like Penn State University as the kids walk from building to building?

Edward, who has been chilling in his car, listening to music, spots Mike and Bella, and offers to take her the rest of the way to the nurse. Mike gets angry, but doesn't put up too much of a fight. Edward carries the limp Bella to the nurse.

Bella feels a bit better, but then realizes she has gym next period. Edward charms the nurse into letting him take her home for the rest of the day. Before getting to the car, Bella asks Edward if he's going to the beach party this weekend, but he says he isn't. I'm with Ed on this one. Beach parties in cold, rainy weather are like wiping your nose with a damp tissue.

On the ride home, Edward listens to classical music. Guess what? Bella likes classical music, too! They talk about her family, and he asks if her mother would approve of her dating someone scary. And then he says, "Do you think that I could be scary? (dumb ass)" To which I reply yes. Anyone can be scary if given a hatchet and clown makeup. Edward drops Bella off at her house. He doesn't bite her. And the chapter ends.

Prediction: Bella vacillates. During the vacillating, an enemy tries to shoot her in the head, but a stranger leaps in front of the bullet, saving her life. Before dying from the gunshot wound, the brave hero looks up into Bella's eyes and hears her whine, "Who are you? Eww blood. Where did you come from? You're so difficult. I wish you didn't save my..." and then the stranger dies. Bella mutters under her breath, "Thanks...I guess.

15 15

(16)

Blogging Twilight:

Part 5

A few thoughts before we begin:

Thank you for all the feedback. One commenter asked if I would date Bella (assuming she was real). I think the better question is: Would Bella date me? Probably not. I'm happy, not moody. I'm friendly, not cryptic. And my only

superpower is the ability to sing "Row Row Row Your Boat," in a round, by myself. It won't save a life, but it usually gets a laugh. So you can stop writing Dan Marries Bella fan fiction; it's just not very realistic.

Chapter Six

Werewolves! Yay! This is the best chapter so far.

When it comes to monsters, I'd much rather hang out with werewolves than vampires. I imagine chilling with vampires means sitting on uncomfortable Victorian sofas, wearing frilly shirts and capes, holding candlesticks, and saying things like, "The hour grows late. Soon our eternal hunger will be momentarily sated as we caress the night with our

presence." (Or, perhaps, "One balloon. Mwah ha ha. Two balloons. Mwah ha ha. Three balloons! Mwah ha ha…")

Whereas hanging out with werewolves, I assume, means watching TV, goofing around, and stitching clothing back together. Of course, the Twilight werewolves might turn out to be prissy puppies. And they'll almost certainly have too many superpowers, such as flight, the ability to summon dragons, and a time machine.

The chapter begins with Bella meeting up with her non-vampire friends and heading to the beach for a party. There are too many kids here to keep track of, including a boy named Ben and some other guy who's not named Ben. Lauren, who I forgot about, is mean to Bella. Perhaps she's jealous. Or perhaps Lauren is Eric in disguise.

Everyone is hanging out, having a good time. Bella goes off to check out the tide pools, and when she comes back, there are even more people at the party. The new gang is from the nearby reservation. Among them is a 15-year-old guy named Jacob Black. I'm

assuming this is the same person of Team Jacob fame. If so, sign me up, because from what I've read so far, I like this kid.

16 16

(17)

The mean-spirited Lauren then asks Bella why Edward didn't come to the beach, prompting an older Native American teen to say that the Cullens aren't welcome at La Push (La Push is the name of the area. It sounds like the name of a French rapper, doesn't it? Or possibly a rugby play.) Bella's mind starts racing, and she uses her female charms to flirt with Jacob in hopes of getting some information on the No Cullen Rule.

Jacob and Bella take a walk. He explains that his people are descendants of wolves who can transform into men. The werewolves have only one enemy, "the cold ones." (This is just a creepy way of saying "vampires." People love using vampire synonyms to sound spooky. You can also use the terms Blood Drinkers, Creatures of the Night, Mosquito-Men, Vampyrs, Vamp [long pause] Pires, V@mp1r3s, and Pretty Night Things That Bite).

According to Jacob, werewolves and vampires don't get along. I wonder why these groups are always pitted against each other. A more interesting and original feud would be between vampires and were-rhinos.

I'm sure this question will get answered later in the series, but doesn't it seem unfair for the vampires to be picking on the wolves? Vampires are always powerful, but it's my understanding that werewolves are only powerful during a full moon. Is it just by coincidence that the vamps have only attacked the werewolves every 29.5305 days? It turns out that a long time ago, some of the vampires stopped hunting humans and became more civilized. These civil vamps made a deal with the werewolves: if the vampires stayed away from the werewolf territory, the werewolves would leave them alone. Of course, the civil vamps are the Cullens. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this truce will be broken at some point in the series.

Jacob seems like a nice guy, and relates the history of werewolves and vampires with a wink, neither confirming nor denying the existence of the monsters. Bella, however, is gullible. A 15-year-old kid tells her vampires are real, and suddenly she's a believer. What little hope I had that I'd learn to like Bella just flew out the window.

Prediction: Jacob tells Bella that he once played drums with Green Day, came up with the idea for LOST, and has a long-distance relationship with a supermodel who lives in Italy. Bella believes every word.

17 17

(18)

Blogging Twilight:

Part 6

Chapter Seven

Not much happens here. Bella goes into the woods alone to debate the existence of vampires for what seems like eighty pages. She finally comes to the conclusion that she should remain friends with Edward, even if he's a vamp. She also tells us that making decisions is not one of her strong suits.

For the sake of argument, let's say a teenager told me monsters are real, and I believed him. I wouldn't go jaunting off alone into the wilderness to contemplate monsters. That's where monsters live! Instead, I'd buy some guns, a helmet, a diamond-edged chainsaw, a whip, whip instructions, neck camouflage, and a smaller helmet (in case I get a haircut and the first helmet no longer fits). Then I'd hide in the basement and wait.

Anyway, Bella goes to school and Mike asks her out...again. And Bella shoots him down...again. Bella notices that the Cullens are absent and she gets sad. Jessica and Angela invite her to go dress shopping. She agrees, and the thought of an entire chapter devoted to dress shopping worries me.

Chapter

Eight-Jessica, Angela, and Bella go to Port Angeles to shop for dresses. Bella isn't going to the dance, but she's still along for the ride and to offer advice. The girls tell her that Tyler is going to ask her to prom. Typical high school drama ensues.

Bella asks Angela if it's normal for the Cullens to miss school. According to Angela, the Cullen clan doesn't come to school when it's sunny outside. Instead, they go backpacking. Add truancy to the list of vampire powers. Or perhaps the attendance policy at Forks High School allows pretty people to skip class.

Jessica and Angela go back to the car to drop off their dresses before dinner, while Bella searches for a bookstore. She doesn't find one, but she does end up in the bad part of Port Angeles, where a group of unsavory men follow her.

She panics, remembering that her pepper spray is at home, and tries desperately to get back to a safe part of town. While being followed, Bella decides not to run, because she is so clumsy that she'll fall. I'm beginning to worry that her clumsiness has less to do with

18 18

(19)

coordination and more to do with brain tumors. Can a person be this clumsy without being either gravely ill or a character in a Ben Stiller movie?

The bad dudes eventually corner Bella near a warehouse, and just when I've assumed the rest of the books are about her funeral, Edward drives up in his Volvo. She gets in the car, and they drive away.

At this point in the book, I can't remember if Bella and Edward are friends. He's acting all scary and tough in the car as they speed away, and demands that she start talking about inane things to help calm him down. He says he sometimes has a problem with his temper.

To soothe the bad boy, Bella tells him about Tyler's prom plan. The chatter eventually cools Edward. They head over to the restaurant, where they meet Jessica and Angela, who are leaving. They're glad that Bella is OK, but they must not have been too worried, because they ate without her. How very rude. Especially since, according to my literary clock, all of thirty minutes have passed. Did the two girls give up waiting after a minute and say to themselves, "Well, Bella's probably OK in this town she's never been to

before. And if she was murdered and raped, there's little we could do to help. Besides, I'm starving, and I smell lasagna. I'm totally getting lasagna."

Edward acts like a gentleman and takes Bella to dinner at the restaurant, telling Jessica that he will drive her home. The hostess and the waitress are both dazzled by Edward, and Bella feels a bit jealous.

Edward, of course, doesn't eat, but insists that Bella get some food because she'll likely go into shock after what just happened to her. She sucks down a few sodas, and they start talking. She isn't brave enough to ask, "Are you a vampire?" But she does beat around the bush for the rest of the chapter.

During the course of the conversation, Bella asks if Edward can read minds. During a rather confusing and awkward conversation, he admits that he can read minds, but not her mind. (Brain tumor! I'm telling you!) It's funny that Edward can't read Bella's thoughts. I can read her thoughts just fine. Perhaps I'm a super vampire.He says that he was reading Jessica's mind, and used that information, along with his keen tracking abilities, to find Bella. It just so happened he arrived in time to save her.

Bella takes the news that Edward can read minds very well. She doesn't seem shocked. Rather, she reacts as if he just admitted he can play the saxophone. I think a normal person would make him prove his ability, or take him to Vegas to clean up at high-stakes poker tournaments. Or, at the very least, scream, "That's so cool!"

Edward says his instincts are telling him to go find those guys who wanted to harm Bella and kill them. He's doing everything in his power to ignore those instincts. He's so tormented. Poor guy. Maybe he needs a hobby to help him relax, like knitting or banana sticker collecting.

19 19

(20)

They leave the restaurant and head home. There are more questions to be asked, such as, "Seriously, why don't we go to Vegas?" and "Are you a vampire?" and "Wasn't it, like, totally rude of Jessica and Angela to eat without me?" But that will have to wait for the ride home.

Predictions: On the way home, Bella gets stung by a bee. Edward freaks out, and

struggles to resist the urge to kill the bee. Finally, he screams and bashes his head against the steering wheel to let out his frustration.

20 20

(21)

Blogging Twilight: Part 7

A few thoughts before we begin: A couple hundred pages into the book, there's no villain to be found. The preface set up a life-and-death situation that Bella will encounter at some point. But since no bad guys have been introduced (except the thugs in Port Angeles), I'm left wondering if the hunter mentioned in the preface isn't Eric gone berserk, wearing bright orange hunting gear. I hope the baddie shows up soon, because these chapters

were a bit boring, repetitive, boring, and repetitive. Chapter Nine

On the ride home, Edward admits that he was able to follow Bella's scent in Port

Angeles. Strong noses are another vampire power, I suppose. He also says that of all the vampires, he's the only one who can read minds. At this point, I'm not even going to try keeping track of super powers. Let's assume these vampires can do whatever the heck they want.

Bella finally asks a reasonable question: how does mind-reading work? Edward explains that the closer he is to the person, the easier it is to read her mind. Bella asks why he can't read her mind, and he says he has no idea, theorizing that perhaps her brainwaves work on a different frequency than normal people's. Or maybe Bella, like my grandma, thinks in German, and Edward doesn't speak the language.

During this conversation, Edward is flying down the highway (not literally, although I assume he could actually fly if he wanted to). His reckless driving scares Bella, but Eddie says, "I hate driving slow." I'm pretty sure "I Hate Driving Slow" is also the name of a grisly driver's ed film.

Bella finally confesses that she talked with Jacob Black, and that Black told her Edward was a vampire. She tells Edward that even if he is a vampire, it doesn't matter. She still likes him. After all, it's what's on the outside that counts, right?

Edward then confesses he's been 17 for a while now. I've read somewhere that he's really 100 years old, but even if he's just 40, this relationship is beyond gross. I'm guessing vampires maintain the appearance they had at whatever age they were bitten. So if Edward had been transformed into a vampire at the age of 60, he would still be lusting after Bella, but look like your grandfather. Put another way: Despite his appearance,

21 21

(22)

Edward is an old man. At some point in the series, author Stephenie Meyer better explain why this isn't icky, or else I'm getting my "Twilight Makes Sense" tattoo removed.

Bella then goes through the list of vampire myths. Edward says vamps don’t sleep in coffins, because they don't sleep at all. They probably just nap. He also explains that he doesn't feed on humans, though it's difficult to resist them sometimes. This brings up another question I hope gets answered later: If humans are food for vampires, why would Edward be attracted to Bella? It's like a regular guy falling in love with a bowl of soup. Edward continues to drive like a maniac, and tells Bella that he only hunts animals because he doesn't want to be a monster. If he doesn't want to be a monster, why can't he find a cure? A vampire bite turns a human into a vampire, right? So it stands to reason that if a normal person bites a vampire, the vamp will turn into a normal person. (This is why I bite people who I suspect are vampires, and also why I'm no longer allowed within 50 feet of the quiet, creepy bearded guy from Ace of Cakes).Also, there are endless supplies of blood around, from used Band-aids to puffy gums. If Ed craves the taste of human blood, I'm sure he could find a harmless way to get some. Or why not go to war? He could serve his country and have a buffet at the same time.

Edward admits that while hunting with his brother, he felt anxious because he was away from Bella. He says he's drawn to her for some unexplainable reason, and feels he must protect her. Not to belabor the point, but even when confronted with the most delicious sandwich or soup, I never felt the need to protect it from harm. Edward says he misses school on sunny days because the sun affects vampires—although he won't say how, exactly. (I assume the sun gives them headaches. I know how that feels, especially if you're driving. Don't even get me started.)

They talk some more, and I swear I read this exact same conversation a few chapters ago. Edward says he's dangerous. Bella says she doesn't care. And I zone out and begin to wonder if hats or helmets were invented first. (I'm going with helmets.)

They make it back to Bella's house. Edward warns Bella, "Don't go into the woods alone." (No wait…I change my answer to hats. But, like, a really thick hat.)Throughout the car ride, Bella tells us how wonderful Edward smells, saying, "His breath blew in my face, stunning me." This may give young women unrealistic expectations about how men smell. It's also possible that Bella has never smelled Axe deodorant mixed with the scent of Listerine before, and finds the combination enchanting. Bella leaves Edward and goes inside. She remembers her jacket is still in Jessica's car, so she calls Jessica and promises to give her all the details of this pseudo-date at school tomorrow. The chapter ends with Bella telling us, "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." Really? She hardly knows the dude. She doesn't even know his middle name, his political ideas, his favorite TV show, or his thoughts on the whole helmet/hat debate. All she knows is that he's a vampire, he's pretty, and he "hates driving slow." Bella is just romanticizing the time she spent with him. It's sort of like saying, "This is the best movie ever" after the first twenty minutes of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and then at about the two-hour mark, realizing you should have seen The Dark Knight instead.

22 22

(23)

Predictions: When not driving fast, bad boy Edward also enjoys jaywalking, saying, "I hate walking along designated areas at intersections."

23 23

(24)

Blogging Twilight: Part 8

Chapter Ten

Bella wakes up and worries that her fabulous date was all a dream. But it wasn't. She collects her school stuff and heads out the door, only to find Edward waiting for her. He offers her a ride to school.

We know from the last chapter that Edward doesn't sleep. What does he do all night, if he's not out killing

animals? If I were him, I'd host midnight garage sales. Not only would this eliminate competition from the typical early-morning garage sales, but the customers would be hip young people who wouldn't care that the Snoopy puzzle is missing eight pieces, instead of the usual old, loud-mouthed bargain hunters who try to talk you into knocking sixteen cents off the price of your old laundry basket.

Bella sniffs Edward's jacket again and says his smell is even better today. They arrive at school, where Edward reads Jessica's mind to learn what types of questions she's going to bombard Bella with later. Jessica wants to know if Edward and Bella are dating, and how Bella feels about Edward.

He lets Bella know about the forthcoming questions, and tells her that they should classify themselves as dating. Bella isn't sure how to answer Jessica's second questions, because Edward will no doubt be reading Jessica's mind when Bella spills her guts. Mike doesn't ask Bella out.

When Bella gets to trig class, Jessica is there waiting for all the gossip. The two girls exchange information. Bella admits that she did not kiss Edward. After more girl talk, she gives in and admits that she likes Edward...a lot. She's worried that she likes him more than he likes her.

After class, Edward is waiting for Bella. The two go to lunch together. She asks him to eat pizza to see what happens when a vampire eats people food. He takes a bite and says it's like eating dirt; he can do it, but it's not fun.

He says he read Jessica's mind, and is bothered by the fact that Bella thinks she likes him more than he likes her. The two engage in a strange conversation about who loves who more. During the talk, she says, "Sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." What the heck does this mean?

24 24

(25)

It only gets worse when he says, "If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe." Again, I'm not sure what this means, and suspect it's just some random words lined up.

I think a more realistic conversation between two teens, even if one is a vampire, would go something like this:

BELLA: Hey. EDWARD: Hey. BELLA: What's up? EDWARD: I don't know. BELLA: Yeah.

EDWARD: ...

BELLA: Um...I like you more than you like me. EDWARD: Shut up. That's stupid.

BELLA: No it's not. [Giggles] EDWARD: I...uh...I...

BELLA: Yeah.

EDWARD: I like you more than you like me. BELLA: For real?

EDWARD: Yep. [Looks at shoes]

BELLA: Cool. What's the deal with werewolves? EDWARD: I don't know. They're so lame.

BELLA: Totes.

EDWARD: I know, right? I can read minds. BELLA: Yeah, I know. You already told me that.

EDWARD: [Fiddles with shoe string] Wanna see how high I can jump, after school? BELLA: Um...all right, I guess.

EDWARD: Cool.

Their conversation goes back to the whole "It's dangerous for us to be together, but even more dangerous for us to be apart" thing. They then talk about the upcoming trip to Seattle, and Bella demands to do the driving.

She asks about hunting, and Edward says he and his brother like to hunt bears, but his favorite animals to hunt are mountain lions. The thoughtful guy quickly adds, "We have to be careful not to impact the environment with the injudicious hunting."

Bella asks if she could watch them hunt sometime, and he freaks out, saying absolutely not. I'm assuming this is because he hunts in the nude.

Predictions: Bella tells Edward, "When I look at your eyes, the soul I see reflects the goodbyes of tomorrow but longs for the hello of yesteryear." Edward replies, "Being with you is wrong, but if it's right to be with you, than I'd rather be not-right. Without the wrongness we can never hurt together with harm?"

25 25

(26)

Blogging Twilight: Part 9

Chapter Eleven

Bella and Edward go to biology class together. She spends the entire class telling us about Edward and how sexy-fun it is to sit close to him. After class, he touches her face, which should seem erotic, but I'm picturing a 100-year-old man sensually

touching a 17-year-old girl's face, which is both goofy and disgusting.

In gym class, Mike shows up again and asks Bella if she's with Edward now. Mike says, "He looks at you I like...like you're something to eat." This reinstates my point from a previous post: I've never looked romantically at a cow or stroked a cow's face just because I was hungry for a hamburger.

Bella meets up with Edward in the parking lot. He says he doesn't like Mike. This makes her mad, because it means he's reading other people's minds as a way to eavesdrop on her conversations. He apologizes.

Bella asks Edward why she can't see him hunt, and he explains that hunting is primitive, scary, and frantic. He's worried he would hurt her during the hunt, as he becomes a slave to his instincts. Again...he's dating a cheeseburger, more or less...if you think about it. There's also a few dozen paragraphs about Edward's eyes in this chapter. Does this guy not have ears, nostrils, or lips? Why can't Bella tells us what his other features are like? For instance, "At the talk of hunting, his sideburns flexed with desire, and his nose

suddenly resembled the mighty bow of an inverted ship." Better yet, "His Adam's apple is lovely."

Before Bella goes inside her house, Edward says tomorrow it's his turn to ask the questions. The next morning, Bella and her dad talk for a bit, and he leaves for work. Edward shows up to drive Bella to school. Meanwhile, Bella's truck is probably sad. Throughout the day, Edward asks Bella all kinds of random, boring questions, such as: "What's your favorite color?", and, "What kind of flowers do you like?" Nothing

interesting is revealed. If I were him, I'd ask her important questions such as, "Since I'm immortal and you're not, eventually you're going to get old and busted. When that happens, is it cool if I date another 17-year-old?"

26 26

(27)

In biology, Edward touches Bella's face again. But this time, he uses the back of his hand. In the world of face-erotica, that's like getting to second base. How scandalous.

Edward drives Bella home and the inane questions continue, as he asks what she misses most about home. While sitting in front of her house, she asks what time it is, and Edward responds, "It's twilight." If I were making the movie, I'd rearrange scenes so that this would be the last line of the film, and just as he says, "twilight," a power-pop song would blare as the credits roll. But that's just me...

Bella is worried that her dad will be home soon, and Edward suddenly gets a strange feeling. A car stops a few feet away from them. Edward gives it a mean stare, before kicking Bella out of the car and driving away. Jacob and his dad Billy are in the other car. Bella realizes that her situation is very complicated, as she is in the middle of a monster war.

Predictions: The situation is further complicated when it's revealed that Bella's father is an alien and her mom is a predator. Also, Mike is a Yankees fan and Jessica is a Red Sox fan. And Eric is made of oil, while Angela is made of water.

27 27

(28)

Blogging Twilight: Part 10

A few thoughts before we begin: Thanks for the feedback. I even enjoy hearing from the haters. To answer a frequently-asked question, yes, I plan to blog about the other books in the series as well. Heck, if there's a demand, I'll blog about eating Twilight-themed Sweetarts, sleeping on Edward Cullen pillowcases, and setting sail on the Twilight cruise. As for the story itself, maybe my own preconceived notions are to blame, but I thought that at some point in a vampire tale, there would be some

blood or spookiness. Hopefully things will get better… Chapter Twelve

The chapter begins with Jacob and his dad Billy stopping by for a visit. While Billy and Bella's dad watch sports, Jacob hangs out with Bella in the kitchen, asking about the mysterious man in the car. Bella finally tells him it was Edward Cullen. Instead of acting dramatic, Jacob just laughs. He seems like a pretty down-to-earth character. His dad, however, is mildly suspicious of Bella. No one turns into a wolf, not even for a little bit. The next morning, Edward drives Bella to school. She tells us, "I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon." Really? How about an eyeball on the end of a finger so he could look around corners without being seen? Or bigger calf muscles?

Edward continues with his boring questions about Bella's past, finding out that she didn't have any boyfriends back in Phoenix. At school, he tells her that he's going to skip class later with his sister Alice to go hunting, meaning Bella won't have a ride home from school. She says she can easily walk home, but Ed says her truck will somehow show up at the end of the day.

She wonders how he can pull this off, since the truck keys are hidden in a pair of pants under a pile in her laundry room. Even if Ed and Alice are expert cat burglars, they won't know where the key is. But she says nothing, and waits to see if Edward can really do it. Meanwhile the werewolves are probably doing ridiculously awesome things, but instead we have to read about boring Bella.

28 28

(29)

Edward explains that he needs to go hunting if they are going to spend tomorrow together. He doesn't want to get vampy on Bella during their first real date. He says that of all his siblings, Alice is the most supportive of his relationship with Bella. The other vampires are worried it will lead to trouble. They give Bella mean stares during lunch. Alice seems fun and friendly. Thank God. If I had to deal with a female version of moody Edward, I might give up on the series. Alice and Edward are about to leave school so they can kill animals when Edward makes Bella promise that she'll be careful. He's overprotective and acts like a father, not a boyfriend. I half-expected him to remind Bella to eat vegetables, wear a sweater, and avoid using her real name in chat rooms, because that's how cyber criminals find victims.

Before leaving, he touches Bella's face.

During gym, Mike asks about Bella's plans for the weekend, and she confesses that she's not going to Seattle, but instead is just going to hang out and study. Mike, being an idiot, asks her to come to the dance. Bella, in no uncertain terms, rejects him.

At the end of school, she walks to parking lot and finds her truck, just as Edward had promised. How did it get there? Maybe he snuck into her house and found the key. Or maybe he took Bella's dad hostage and demanded to know where the keys were while Alice held a knife to Charlie's throat.

Inside the truck, Edward left a note that says, "Be safe." This is exactly the kind of note a parent would leave. Instead of being so intense all the time, he should have left

something flirty and fun in the car, like a note saying:

Hey Isabelly,

I wrote this rap for you:

Promise not to die

And don't be a liar

I like to kill bears

'Cause I'm a vampire

Holla!

Later hater,

Ed-weird

29 29

(30)

P.S.

I want to touch your face so hard!

Bella goes home, talks to her dad, and then takes cold medicine to help her sleep. This is not a very good message to be sending to young readers. Cold medicine is a gateway drug to heroin and hobo murder.

The next morning, Edward shows up bright and early and the two head out to a

mysterious destination in Bella's truck. On the ride to mystery land, he gets very angry about the fact that she didn't let anyone know where she was going. He's scared that something bad will happen.

This is confusing. If he's worried that he's going to kill her, what difference does it make if anyone knows where she is? She'd still be dead. If Edward is concerned about being alone with Bella, she could make herself less desirable by not shaving her armpits and peeing her pants. Or she could simply talk about the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. (Guys hate that).

Edward knows how to treat a lady. Instead of making Bella watch him play Call of Duty for a few hours before going out to Burger King, he takes her hiking in a seemingly enchanted, romantic forest.

While hiking, Bella tells us once again that Edward is a godlike creature. We get it. She thinks he's hot. If you eliminated all descriptions of Edward, along with all conversations about danger and scenes of face-touching, this book would be nothing but a short

paragraph or two about rain and badminton.

Finally, the two reach an area of the forest where sunlight is shining, and Edward steps into the light to show what happens when vamps catch some rays. This is set up in an exciting way, making it seem as though something wonderful, amazing, and jaw-dropping will happen. And then the chapter ends. I'm assuming that when he steps into the light, Edward's eyes will water a bit and he'll sneeze, because sometimes, that happens to me.

Predictions:

For their second date, Edward takes Bella to a romantic castle. For their third date, he takes her to a romantic deserted island. For their fourth date, they go to TGIFridays and he lets her order an appetizer and a dessert. For their fifth date, they go to a unicorn farm.

30 30

(31)

Blogging Twilight: Part 11

Chapter Thirteen

A better title for this chapter would have been "26 Pages of Touching." The chapter begins with Edward hanging out in the sun, which means we finally see how solar power affects the Twilight vamps: It makes them glitter. (You can't see this, but I'm rolling my eyes. Also, my socks don't match. Don't judge me.)

I wasn't sure what to expect when Ed gets hit with sunbeams, but if all that happens is that he sparkles, color me disappointed. Does sparkling serve a purpose, besides letting vampires blend in at rave parties or at Lady Gaga concerts?

Bella loves the glitter. Not to harp on the sparkle ability, but would it really turn a girl on? It seems rather feminine. Perhaps in the first draft of the story, when Edward stepped into the light, he also sprouted pigtails, hair ribbons, and those socks with the pom-poms on the ankle.

Bella describe Edward for a few paragraphs, and then the arm touching begins and Eddie likes it, a lot. He freaks out and runs away. Then walks back. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I read this part correctly. But that's what I think happens.

They talk and Edward says that he doesn't need all of his super powers. He shows off a bit by running around in a circle and breaking pieces of wood. He explains that all this power and attractiveness helps vampires hunt. Later in this chapter, he talks about hiding from the rest of the world. Why all the secrecy? Vamps are obviously superior to

humans, so they shouldn't be afraid of us. In fact, they should have enslaved us by now. Edward and Bella then talk for a long time about fear and danger and how this

relationship is doomed. These kids need something else to talk about, as right now, they are the most boring couple in the history of romance. The relationship between Mike and Jessica, or between Eric and his Babylon 5 memorabilia is more interesting than this dull duo.

Edward explains that each vampire is drawn to a particular kind of scent/flavor of human, and Isabella is his favorite flavor. He likens his desire to drink her blood to a drug addict craving his vice of choice. "You're exactly my brand of heroin," he says. Because this is a

(32)

romance novel, lines like that seem to work. But I bet if a normal guy said that to a normal girl, the girl (if she had any sense at all) would be put off. It's a pretty stalker-ish thing to say.

Why is Bella so irresistible to Edward? I have no idea. But since he wants her blood, why can't he have some? A normal person can donate blood every few weeks. If Bella started now, she would have a whole cupboard filled with Eddie Treats in no time, and then the "I can't be with you. But I must be with you" nonsense could end.

Maybe he can just drink Bella's mother's blood instead. Or maybe Bella's mom and dad can get together, have another kid, and feed it to Edward. (But if they choose to do that, they shouldn't name the kid, because then they will get too attached.) I'm just throwing out ideas, because I'm sick of Edward complaining.

Edward says that his brother Jasper is new to the "don't eat humans" rule and hasn't yet figured out that some people taste better than others. His brother Emmet, however, has come across a few of his favorite flavors, and he couldn't resist killing them. So if you taste good, look out.

We now understand why Edward acted so strange on Bella's first day of school. He wanted to drink her blood very, very badly. After that day, he ditched town and went to Alaska to think things through. After some heavy ruminating and animal-blood-drinking in Alaska, he came to the conclusion that killing Bella was bad and he shouldn't eat her. That's nice of him. It's like a normal guy promising his new girlfriend that he won't text his ex-girlfriend. But as most girls know, such a promise is rarely kept. If I were Bella, I'd invest in some metal turtlenecks. (And snoop around on his cell phone when he's not looking. Am I right, ladies? Mmm-hmm.)

Edward confesses, "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." Bella responds with, "I would rather die than stay away from you." That's pretty typical first date chit-chat, no?

Then Edward compares himself to a lion falling in love with a lamb. I'm no zoologist, but I don't think lions eat a lot of sheep. A better analogy would be a lion falling in love with a slow zebra, or a lamb assassin falling in love with a lamb, or melting glacier caused by global warming falling in love with a polar bear.

Edward says one of the things that switched him into crazy mode was the odor of Bella's throat. Interesting. If vampires love necks, Danny DeVito shouldn't worry about being attacked, but giraffes have much to fear.

This conversation is followed by some neck touching, which is just as naughty as face-touching except there's less chance of boogers. The face-touching goes on and on. Chances are good that Bella's face will be rubbed raw by chapter's end. Explaining a chapped face to Charlie isn't going to be fun. During the touching, Ed gets his hungry eyes, and says Bella cannot begin to understand the confusion he's feeling.

(33)

For a few more paragraphs he talks about how difficult it is being close to her. Edward has turned into a big whiner. Suck it up, man. I thought vampires were supposed to be tough and scary, not wusses who run fast and sparkle.

The lovers rest in the meadow until it begins to get dark. Instead of hiking back to the car, Bella hops on Edward's back and he races through the forest. This feat of strength brings up yet another question: How does a vampire's metabolism work? Athletes need to eat tons of food to offset all the calories they burn. It stands to reason that vampires are burning an even greater number of calories as they run and lift heavy objects. Plus, they never sleep to rest their bodies, and I don't think blood has many carbohydrates, unless you make some sort of blood bread. So how can vampires possibly go for days, or longer, without drinking blood? This is confusing. Please don't tell me the answer is "magic," because if that's the case, why would they have to drink blood at all?

They finally make it back to the truck. Bella's in a state of shock after being carried through the forest at high speeds. Before leaving, they stare at each other and finally kiss. This gets Bella too excited and she can't control herself. Edward has to step back before he kills her with passion.

Between the kiss and the forest run, Bella is a bit out of sorts. In a somewhat sexist fashion, Edward asks if he can drive back. At first she won't let him, but then, because she is just too smitten, she allows him to drive. And the two head home.

Prediction: On the ride home, Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care.

Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care.

Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care....

(34)

Blogging Twilight: Part 12

Chapter Fourteen

After the touch-fest, Edward drives Bella home. On the way, he listens to an oldies radio station, which

prompts Bella to ask about his age. He finally admits that he was born in 1901. He was suffering from Spanish influenza in 1918 when Carlisle saved his life by transforming him into a vampire. He says the process was very painful. We then get a rundown on the Cullen family history.

After saving Edward, Carlisle saved Esme, who I think is Carlisle's wife. Carlisle seems like the nicest guy in the world. Not only did he save Edward's life, but he later made a girl vampire, Rosalie, for Edward to hug and kiss. But their relationship never blossomed, and Edward thinks of her as a sister.

Rosalie found the human Emmet in the forest, suffering from a brutal bear attack, and took him to Carlisle, who saved his life by turning him into a vampire. Rosalie and Emmet then fell in love.

Vampire Alice, who can predict the future, found vampire Jasper walking around, and they went to see nice-guy Carlisle. And that's how they became a family.

But if Carlisle can save people's lives by turning them into vampires, why doesn't he do so all the time? Why has he only saved three kids and one woman? (Alice and Jasper were already vampires when they came to the family.) There are many deserving people in the world who are suffering from diseases and maulings; why couldn't Carlisle have saved them, instead of this handful of whiny, dying teens?

Edward explains that most vampires are nomads and loners. Families like his are rare because grouping together can bring unwanted attention to their species. Again, why is vampirism such a secret? It's 2009. Stand up and be proud of who you are.

During the family history talk, Edward and Bella arrive back at her house. Her stomach growls and Edward realizes he completely forgot that humans need food. She invites him inside.

He knows where the spare house key is, and admits that he comes to Bella's house every night and watches her sleep. Obviously, she freaks out.

(35)

Edward's behavior is wrong on many different levels. If a real person did this, regardless of his looks and personality, a girl would be a fool to befriend him, let alone smooch him. Even if you're in a long-term, loving relationship, watching your significant other sleep every night is a violation of trust.

Besides, Edward could be doing more productive things with his evenings, such as starting a midnight basketball program or stopping good people from dying by turning them into vampires. He's so selfish.

Bella is a little ticked off about Edward's nighttime activities because she talks in her sleep and is worried that she muttered something embarrassing. But he tells her she never said anything bad. While Bella is heating up lasagna, her father comes home and Edward quickly disappears.

Bella and her dad talk, and she gulps down her lasagna and goes to her room. She looks out the window for Edward, but he's already in the room because he's a perverted stalker. Bella is so excited, and tells Edward to stay put while she takes a shower. After the shower, they talk, and there's more neck touching. He says he's getting better at

controlling his desire to kill her, explaining that it's a struggle of mind over matter. They talk about danger...again.

Because being away from her scent will only make Edward want to kill her more, Bella invites him to stay the night. He then admits that emotions are difficult and explains how jealous he felt when Mike asked Bella out. When that happened, he wanted to know why Bella turned down Mike. Since he couldn't read her mind, the only logical thing to do was sneak into her house at night, watch her sleep, and hope that she talked as she snoozed. Or, if he were sane, he could have just asked her how she felt.

Edward then describes Mike as "vile," which is strange, because Mike isn't an old man who sneaks into teenagers' windows at night to watch them slumber.

Bella says she doesn't understand how Edward can be attracted to her, but not to Rosalie. He emphasizes the fact that Rosalie is his sister. And he adds that no one has made him feel love until he met Bella. He's been waiting 90 years for her.

She says this doesn't seem fair; she didn't have to wait a lifetime to find her true love like Edward did. He then goes off on the danger-talk again, saying Bella is putting her life in jeopardy every time they are together, so even though he had to wait nearly a century for love, she still has the raw end of the deal.

Charlie comes in to check on Bella, and Edward hides. When Charlie is gone, Edward gets back in bed with Bella and smells her, describing her odor as "Lavender or freesia." He's probably smelling Bella's soap, as she just got out of the shower. I think Suave makes a Freesian shampoo.

(36)

Ed says the Cullens are trying to rise above their desires. Just because they were dealt the desire to drink blood doesn't mean they need to act like animals. They strive to remain somewhat human. I'm reminded of that video of the waterskiing squirrel: like Ed, he's trying to attain some level of humanity.

Bella asks a very reasonable question: Why do vampires get individual super powers on top of their already heightened abilities? Edward doesn't know, but Carlisle has a theory that whatever ability you had as a human gets magnified when you become a vampire. I have a theory too: Stephenie Meyers just made this up as she went along, and mind-reading seemed like a fun power.

As a human, Edward was sensitive to people's thoughts, so as a vamp, he can read minds. Alice probably had some precognition abilities as a human, so now can tell the future, and Emmet was a strong human so he's an even stronger vampire. Jasper can manipulate the emotions of those around him because...well, I'm sure at some point in this story he will need to do just that.

I understand those powers, sort of. But then Edward says Carlisle's special power is compassion and Esme's power is love. Those aren't super powers. Those are words plucked from a Hallmark Movie Channel advertisement. And Rosalie's "power" is tenaciousness. Aquaman has better powers than this.

I picture Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie as a crimefighting team. When confronted with a bad situation, Carlisle shouts, "I'll use my compassion to stop the army of evil robots. Esme, use your power of love to free the prisoners, and Rosalie, use your stubbornness to thwart the mad doctor. Cullens attack!" And then all three are killed instantly.

There's some talk about where vampires came from, but no one really seems to know. Edward says vampirism might be caused by evolution, or perhaps God was involved. Bella asks about sex, only she never uses the word. Edward tells her it would be dangerous because if he loses control, he would kill her instantly with his strength. Of course, since the word sex is never mentioned, and the act is only alluded to, Bella might have been asking if vampires can play Wii Boxing. Read the last two pages of this chapter with Wii Boxing in mind instead of sex and the conversation still makes sense. Edward then hums a lullaby and Bella falls asleep.

Prediction: Edward admits that along with sneaking into Bella's room at night, he's also been stealing hair from her hairbrush and using it to brush his teeth. And he's filled 19 notebooks with the sentence "I (heart) Bella Cullen 4-Ever." And he's been going through her trash and using her old tissues to make an altar where they can be married. Bella thinks all of this is terrific.

(37)

Blogging Twilight: Part 13

A few thoughts before

we begin: To those who encouraged me to stick with the book, you were right. It's getting (a little) better. The story is still slow for my taste, but at least things are heading towards a conflict.

Chapter Fifteen Bella wakes up and

Edward is in her room, like he promised. She's so excited to see him sitting in her rocking chair that she runs over and jumps into his lap.

This is gross, but I'm picturing a grandfather holding his granddaughter on his knee, and expecting Edward to say something like, "You kids today are so spoiled with your Tweeters and your MyFaces. When I was your age, all we had was a ball and world wars to keep us busy."

Edward tells Bella that her dad left, so the two of them are all alone. She asks for a "human minute," which is her cute way of excusing herself to the bathroom.

When she returns, Bella realizes that Edward is wearing different clothing than he had on last night. She gets a bit ticked off because this means Edward didn't stay with her the entire night. He says it would be scandalous if the neighbors saw him emerge from her house wearing the same clothes he wore last night. I'm thinking Ed actually left because he needed to use the restroom and only feels comfortable at home.

Edward says that while sleeping, Bella professed her love for him out loud. Having slept in the same room as a night-babbler, I know that when people talk in their sleep, their pronouncements make no sense. So I imagine Bella really said something like, "I don't want [inaudible M-sound] soup. Love Edward Cullen and ten [SNORT] dollars! Grocery?" But that wouldn't have been as romantic.