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On a sub 100 note, Ridge tallied his third such game of the last 2 years, and his fourth since we started keeping stats. This moves Ridge into a tie

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Hello Homies,

I wanna open up with some song lyrics that really hit me today. She seem to make me always feel like a boss (uh, uh) She said I'm in the wrong hole, I said I'm lost (uh, uh)

She said I'm going too fast, I'm exhausted Now drop to your knees for the offerin'

-Kanye West

Is that not relatable? A lot of times I feel like I am in the wrong hole. I feel like I am lost. I’m lost because Kenyan Drake sucks. DJ Moore is a game away from sucking. My keepers. My boys. My request is that Kenyan Drake gets dropped to his knees, because I know Chase Edmonds would be a more fantasy relevant player. Obviously I am not the only one getting penetrated, but I do not have enough space or thoroughness to trace through every player we have lost. I do have some thoughts on r/wronghole. When you’re doing some doggy style sex stuff, and the butt hole is right there, do you ever just touch it? No big deal I just think about that every waking moment.

This week was really competitive and left our league with SEVEN 2-2 teams. Everyone should feel like they are in playoff contention despite having 10 weeks left. Alec has more wins now than Connor will probably have all season. Andy has got to be salty as he is averaging 25 more points than me but has one less win.

We had no outliers occur this week, but due to slightly more consistent scoring, 2 old scores have now become outliers! Congrats to Chip’s Week 3 score of 166.38 for making the cutoff by .09. It’s an outlier for now but might now last long. In addition to Chip, everyone needs to shame Connor, for his Week 2 score of 70.6 is now a low end outlier! Congrats to Connor!! Chip is now tied with Alec by having 2 positive outliers. Connor takes an even stronger lead on having the most negative outliers. He has THREE negative outliers and one positive one. It puts into perspective how bad Connor is.

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On a sub 100 note, Ridge tallied his third such game of the last 2 years, and his fourth since we started keeping stats. This moves Ridge into a tie for 8th place, still 4 games back from Thad. Week 1 of

this year is the only week ever that we haven’t had someone score under 100 points. It’s hard to believe, but it also indicates that there is a 94% chance

someone scores below 100 points this week. I wouldn’t bet against it either with a Titans game potentially getting moved again.

Nick, for the first time, was the highest scoring team of the week. That leaves Connor and Ridge as the only ones never to accomplish this feat.

Connor did defeat Andy for the first time ever. This is yet another stinger for an Andy team that has had the short end of the stick nearly every week this year.

The odds of Thad being 2-2 are 16% while the odds of me being 0-4 are actually 25%.

Andy would be 4-0 with either Thad or Andre’s schedule. Teams that could be 4-0 if they’d played someone else’s schedule are: Alec, Andy, Matt, and Nick.

Kanye’s situation in those lyrics remind me a lot of the situation Grant found himself in last year when he texted our group and inquired about

accidentally having sex with someone. To this day I am not sure what he meant. But maybe he got lost and found himself in a much different hole than he

intended. He aimed for the mouth and ended up down south? Who is to say? What I have to say is have a good day. May all your players score touchdowns (except Alec).

Love,

Thad Taylor

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DK Awards

KILLER KONG – Andre wins this award for

multiple reasons. For starters, Andre scored the most DK points this week with 32. But it’s the consistency that really seals the award for him. He is the only person averaging more than 20 DK points per week. Andre seemingly reached when he drafted the Steelers in the 9th round, but

maybe he knows what he is doing.

KIRBY KONG – Through 4 weeks, only one

team is averaging single digits in the DK category. Can you guess who it is? This individual got 6 points this week, which was not the lowest, but this award isn’t exclusive. This award goes to the most pathetic person. This award goes to Connor. Connor’s team is bad outside of the DK area, but his lack of points here has crippled him in comparison to the numbers Andre puts up.

DIDDY KONG – Part of the reason Nick didn’t get

KIRBY KONG is because I didn’t want to gift him two awards. He earns DIDDY because despite

scoring 1 DK point, he still won his matchup. That is so impressive! It was essentially 7 vs 9 for him since he got no production from DK. Nick is now 3-1 and owes none of that to his defense or kicker as he only averages 13 DK points per week. Kinda the ultimate DIDDY player.

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POWER RANKINGS

Team Name

Power Ranking

Score Wins Losses

Mos Eisley Han Shot First 2312.24 4 0

Team Nolan 1853.6 3 1

Daddy's Darlings (IR) 1746.22 1 3 Huntington Hedgehogs 1727.57 2 2

Cheesus Christ 1616.16 2 2

Sorry, I Cam on your TD's 1521.06 2 2

Ruffles Have Ridges 1497.72 2 2

Casual Khakis 1485.48 2 2

Chip Fisto 1236.15 1 3

Master Ki-Thadi-Mundi 1207.03 2 2

Tua Good Tua Be True 1180.8 2 2

Richard Sherman 1119.65 1 3

*Note: Power rankings are determined by: Points Scored + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

The Power Rankings have still been outsourced to a third party site, but it is a different site. I preferred this one because it showed the math behind how it calculates the scores. It is still kind of an intense calculation.

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The Bottom Three

By now I hope you understand what this column is, but just so our great

grandchildren, and the aliens that inherit the earth can understand, I will do a quick recap. The bottom two seeds 11th and 12th are statistically way worse to be in than the

10th and 9th seed. This probably seems so obvious, but think of it as the rule of 71.

Where in basketball the first team to 71 has a 95% chance of winning. You could stretch this number out and say “Well the first team to 100 wins 99.9% of the time, but the important piece is what score creates a statistical leap. Anyone outside of the playoffs can finish last this year, but it’s those bottom 2 teams that are in a statistically significant worse spot. So let’s look at who I think those bottom 2 and a bubble team will be.

10th Seed – Ridge

This might seem reactionary since Ridge just scored 99.7 points and was the worst team this week… and it is. We have to be reactionary to the information we receive. The problem is being over reactionary, and after week 4 I don’t think I am. 7 teams are currently scoring below the league average, and Ridge is leading those 7 teams in scoring. But he owes his sexy scoring average to an (almost outlier) week 3 score of 165. You can see uneasiness setting in for Ridge too. Shuffling his roster to acquire Boobie and possibly moving on from his Keeper Julio Jones. I’d just mark Ridge as a team to watch in a negative capacity.

11th Seed – Thad

Part od the reason I feel comfortable criticizing Ridge is that I know my team is worse than him. After an ugly victory to give me a hollow 2-0 record, I now have the lowest scoring average in the league for this year. I am one bad week away from sinking to my 12th seed, although come playoff time there really is no difference.

12th Seed – Connor

If Connor was a stock, I’d say his share price went up a tad this week. For that reason, you should short the hell out of him. And you might see short term losses, but this stock is gonna go through the ground. His best player will be a backup in 2 weeks and that’s when you will see returns.

*Rising out of the Bottom Three (temporarily) is Matt. I would expect to see him back here, and perhaps with a vengeance, as he tries to avoid his third loss in three weeks.

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LUCKINESS

Team Record Proj Wins Luckiness

Thad 2-2 0.8 30% Alec 4-0 3.2 20% Ridge 2-2 1.4 16% Jeffrey 2-2 1.6 9% Nick 3-1 2.8 5% Andre 2-2 1.9 2% Stephen 2-2 1.9 2% Grant 2-2 2 0% Connor 1-3 1.5 -14% Matt 2-2 2.6 -16% Chip 1-3 1.6 -16% Andy 1-3 2.5 -39%

Projected wins show how many wins your team should have if you played every team every week and averaged it out. If you’re GREEN you should brace for impact, because you’re coming back to earth sooner or later. If you’re YELLOW, then you are within the expected range. If you’re RED, then that really sucks for you.

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Grant’s Gambling Gazebo

Hello beautiful people, I hope when you read this, it finds you doing well. Last week I went 10-5 so you could say I am starting to find my groove. Suck it, Thad. This week, I HATE the board, so we will see how it goes. I hope the Patriots and Titans quit getting fucking Covid so my fantasy season won’t be in shambles. Ok let’s go!!!!

Here’s a pickup line you can use for today’s date only- “Are you todays date? Because you’re a 10/10”

Season totals: 35-28 (55%) Week 5 Picks

Bucs (-3.5) at Bears

This was a loss for me. If anyone wants Chris Godwin HMU.

Raiders (+12) at Chiefs

As of now the Chiefs are probably the best team in football so why would I not bet on them? One simple reason. It’s hard to not take the points on double digits spreads in the NFL. This is has backdoor cover written all over it. Raiders +12

Bengals (+12) at Ravens

Same reasoning as above. Bengals +12

Giants (+8.5) at Cowboys

Both these teams stink. The Giants have only scored THREE touchdowns the entire year. The Cowboys can’t play defense. I just don’t think the Giants have the weapons to keep up. I don’t want to do this, but I have to.

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Grant’s Gambling Gazebo

Panthers (+1) at Falcons

Somehow the Panthers are 2-2. Color me shocked. The Falcons are 0-4. I think the Panthers are the better team, but if the Flacons lose Dan Quinn is gone come Monday. They’re playing for his job.

Falcons -1

Cardinals (-7) at Jets

I will continue to bet against the Jets until they prove me wrong.

Cardinals -7

Eagles (+7) at Steelers

The Eagles aren’t good. I’m not sure if Carson Wentz is good. It’s

supposed to be pissing rain during this one, and the Steelers just came off a bye. Steelers -7

Rams (-7) at Redskins

Kyle Allen is fool’s gold. He’s not good. Do I have resentment towards him because the Panthers thought he was better than Cam last year? Yes. Fuck Kyle Allen. Rams -7

Jaguars (+5.5) at Texans

Four weeks through the season and I still don’t know how bad the Texans actually are. They got schedule fucked so bad. Bill O’Brian was a complete idiot. Interim coaches in their first game ATS are dreadful. I really hate betting on the Jaguars, but I’ll play the numbers. Jaguars +5.5

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Grant’s Gambling Gazebo

Dolphins (+8) at 49ers

Call me crazy, but I think the Dolphins could win this game outright. This has the potential to get really weird. I also don’t trust Jimmy G. Dolphins

+8

Colts at Browns (Pick em)

I think the Colts are one of the best teams in the league. They have a great defense and control the ball. The Browns looked great last week, but it was the Cowboys. I don’t trust the Browns. Colts

Vikings (+7) at Seahawks

The Vikings are another team that I’m still unsure about. I actually think they might be good. The Seahawks have to lose at some point. I don’t know what the O/U is in this game, but this has the O written all over it.

Vikings +7

Chargers (+8.5) at Saints

The Saints don’t lose in October. They just don’t. Sean Payton should be able to confuse Herbert enough in this game to cover. Saints-8.5

Bronocs at Patriots and Bills at Titans do not have lines yet as I’m writing this so I will just pick who will win.

This Pats-Broncos game is a crap shoot. I don’t know if Cam is playing. Stidham is fucking horrible. The Broncos have like 2/3 of their payroll on IR. I’m taking the Pats because of Bill. Patriots

Congrats, Stephen, the Bills look legit. Josh Allen somehow learned how to throw with accuracy and looks unstoppable. The Titans are a disaster right now with Covid. Just follow the fucking rules. With my luck, Derrick Henry will test positive. *Fantasy Gods, watch over me*. I’m taking the Bills because the Titans have too much dysfunction right now. Bills

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Notes From Contributors

I am sitting at 13-11 right now. Let’s get down to business. (This was written after the Thursday night game)

Trends:

• 9/12 teams had a QB score 20 or more points those teams went 5-4 (Overall 16-15)

• 3 teams started a player that scored more than 30 points they finished 2-1 (Overall 13-9)

• Teams rostering a player that scores 40+ are overall 3-3 • Teams with TWO or more 25-point scores are 11-3

o Week 1: 3-1 o Week 2: 3-1 o Week 3: 5-1 o Week 4: 2-2

• Teams with THREE or more 25-point scores are 2-0 o Week 1: 0-0

o Week 2: 1-0 o Week 3: 1-0 o Week 4: 0-0 --- Stephen

How’s it going guys, hope everyone is doing well so far. I apologize for not getting my predictions to you last week, I had some company

staying with me in Chapel Hill and never found the time to get my segment written. I would have likely bottled the picks anyway, so it works out okay I think.

At any rate, I have no idea what my overall is anymore so I’m just going to start anew. You guys know the drill – at this point, it’s kind of a crapshoot with injuries anyway. So here goes nothing.

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Daddy’s Darlings

Casual Khakis

1-3 (3

rd

Place)

2-2 (8

th

Place)

Breakdown: Andy is 3-0 against Stephen, outscoring him by 114

points over the course of those matchups. Andy has 2 league

championships and Stephen has one, but to my knowledge they

have never been in the postseason at the same time. The past year

and a half, Andy is averaging 13 more points per game. This year

that number is slightly lower at 11 ppg.

Casual Khakis (-12.9) vs vs Daddy’s Darlings (IR)

I cannot believe that Daddy’s Darlings (IR) is a double-digit underdog. Even with key injuries this team has been solid. This stemming from great team management. I love the matchups for the Khakis this week but cannot bring myself to pick against the Warriors of this league.

Pick: Daddy’s Darlings (IR) (+12.9)

RIVALRY

GRADE:

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CHIPREDICTION

Daddy’s Darlings (1-3) v. Casual Khakis (2-2)

ESPN Prediction – Casual Khakis (-9.5)

At the time that I’m writing this, Daddy’s Darlings is winning 19-7. The fact that Andy’s team is still in the conversation after losing two of the best players in fantasy is kinda ridiculous. Meanwhile, Stephen’s QB strategy seems to be working decently well. I’m going to take Stephen here because I’m not quite sure how D’Ernest Johnson will fit into the Browns offense.

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Team Nolan

Cheesus Christ

3-1 (2

nd

Place)

2-2 (5

th

Place)

Breakdown: Andre is 3-0 vs Nick and has won those games by a

combined score if 108 points. According to the power rankings,

this is the matchup of the week between two perspective playoff

teams. I have nothing else to say.

Team Nolan (-9.7) vs Cheesus Christ

Another almost double-digit line. Team Nolan is a name to watch in the league as his team has been putting up some numbers and he has

benefited from leaguewide injuries. He has great matchups this week and I think Cheesus takes the L.

Pick: Team Nolan (-9.7)

RIVALRY

GRADE:

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CHIPREDICTION

GAME OF THE WEEK

Team Nolan (3-1) v. Cheesus Christ (2-2)

ESPN Prediction – Team Nolan (-20.4)

The line on this game is deceiving because Andre had Scotty Miller put up a fat zero.

Regardless of the zero, I was always going to pick Nick this week. I don’t love doubling down on Chiefs receivers, but his team has a very solid look about it. The two-headed Ohio monster is as good as any RB tandem going right now. Andre’s team looks good, but I think Nick’s has the edge in this week’s game of the week.

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Richard Sherman

Cam On Ur TDs

1-3 (12

th

Place)

2-2 (6

th

Place)

Breakdown: Grant is 2-1 vs Connor, but from a points

perspective it has been a close matchup with Grant only

outscoring him by 7.5 points. It is one of our better rivalries this

week, and it is emphasized by the trade that links these teams this

season.

Richard Sherman (-7.6) vs Cam on your TDs

Richard Sherman is a 7-point favorite... again? Richard Shermans trade

sure seems to be paying off as he tacked on 11 points to his PPG average last week. He is trending upward and I think that he may surprise some people when he wins again this week by double digits.

Pick: Richard Sherman (-7.6)

RIVALRY

GRADE:

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CHIPREDICTION

Richard Sherman (1-3) v. Sorry I Cam on Your TDs (2-2)

ESPN Prediction – RS (-7.3)

Grant’s team is winning 15.1 to 0 when I’m writing this.

Grant’s team is turning into a force. Even without Cam and Chris Godwin, his team still looks incredibly solid. Connor’s team also doesn’t look bad, which makes it weird that he is 1-3. I’m going to pick Grant this week because I think his team has a higher floor. It feels like the safer pick, and I’m also still made that Connor picked up Mike Davis before I could.

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Ki-Thadi-Mundi

Han Shot First

2-2 (10

th

Place)

4-0 (1

st

Place)

Breakdown: Alec beat Thad by 75 points in their regular season

matchup last year, but Thad got revenge in the last place game last

year sending Alec to a photoshoot. DK Metcalf broke Han’s heart

on a Monday night late game drive.

Master Ki-Thadi-Mundi (-14.2) vs Mos Eisley Han Shot First

This is a line I never thought I’d see. A team averaging 144.5 points a week is projected to lose by more than 14 to a team averaging 109.7 points. I know injuries are hurting Mos Eisley but wow. This pick is easy for me and Ki-Thadi-Mundi may very well win this but not by 15 points.

Pick: Mos Eisley Han Shot First (+14.2)

RIVALRY

GRADE:

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CHIPREDICTION

Master Ki-Thadi Mundi (2-2) v. Mos Eisley Han Shot First (4-0)

ESPN Prediction – Ki-Thadi (-14.2)

Last week was a Pyrrhic victory for Mos Eisley Han Shot First. He won, but he lost Fant, Ekeler and Chubb. Looking at Alec’s roster, those were three of his most productive players. Looking at it, it’s still a close call, but I’m going to take Thad. Ultimately, I trust CEH and Thad’s

receivers to put numbers more than I trust Odell and Alec’s running backs.

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Chip Fisto

Ruffles Have Ridges

1-3 (9

th

Place)

2-2 (7

th

Place)

Breakdown: This is the rivalry of the week, and it comes in at #2

on our rivalry rankings. In the modern era these teams have faced

4 times: one of which was 4 seed Ridge upsetting 12-1 Chip. They

have split these 4 meetings 2-2. Ridge has scored 14 more points

over the course of three regular season games, showing these

teams have been neck and neck. Ridge has gone 0-2 in

Championship games while Chip has gone 1-1.

Chip Fisto vs Ruffles Have Ridges (-2.0)

Ruffles traded out of owning 100% of the Washington Football Teams

offensive weapons, which I think was a good move. I do like Antonio Gibson a lot though. Hopefully Chip Fisto gets Bell back this week, so he doesn’t have to rely on the Patriot’s backfield and a hobbled Lamar.

Pick: Ruffles Have Ridges (-2.0)

RIVALRY

GRADE:

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CHIPREDICTION

Chip Fisto (1-3) v. Ruffles Have Ridges (1-3)

ESPN Prediction – Ruffles (-2.0)

The Southside Showdown. This game usually has a bit more excitement to it, but with both teams being 1-3, it feels like a turning point game for either team. For me, this week’s performance depends on if Le’Veon is back. If he is, I think my margin of loss is just a little bit smaller. Ridge’s team is just better, really.

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Tua Good

Hedgehogs

2-2 (11

th

Place)

2-2 (4

th

Place)

Breakdown: Jeffrey beat Matt in the regular season last year by 25

points. Matt got back at him in the postseason and tied the

matchup at 1 game apiece. Despite Matt being ranked 4

th

, I give

this the pillow fight of the week award. Matt is averaging 14 more

points per game than Jeffrey.

Tua Good Tua Be True (-2.2) vs Huntington Hedgehogs

In one of the closest projected games, I think Tua really need Thomas back to keep his momentum going. He has won a couple games with sup par wide receivers and will need some help unless Calvin Ridley decides to not catch any balls in consecutive weeks.

Pick: Tua Good Tua Be True (-2.2)

RIVALRY

GRADE:

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CHIPREDICTION

Tua Good Tua Be True (2-2) v. Huntington Hedgehogs (2-2)

ESPN Prediction – Tua Good (-7.6)

Jeffrey is currently winning 31.6 to 0 thanks to David Montgomery and Da Bears defense.

As anyone who reads my segments will know, I am enamored with Jeffrey’s team for some reason. Every part of it looks solid. Matt has a good team too, but starting a Rams running back is a bit of a question mark. I think Jeffrey wins this week, but it won’t be totally convincing.

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