Love Sick
So this is what it feels like to be in love. If only the universe would conspire to make it possible. If only cupid could shoot his arrow and pierce your heart. If only every sickness in this world could be cured. If only love sickness could be cured.
Love. That four-letter word which makes you feel butterflies in your stomach. The one which makes your heartbeat flutter like crazy. The one which makes you feel all giddy and inspired. The one which causes you to unconsciously smile at the mere memory of the person's smile. But love could also be a bitch. It could also be
the one which makes you feel like you're standing on a cliff as the deep waters and jagged rocks at the bottom daringly invites you to take a plunge, to leave
everything behind and accept the pain as you crush to pieces, breaking all of your bones as you lie there feeling the most unbearable pain you can ever imagine.
Dying Inside
March 2013.
2:00 AM.
One more bottle of beer and I'm close to oblivion. My head aches. My vision blurred. My heart feels numb.
"God why did you have to let me feel this way? Why me? Why her?", I muttererd to myself while trying to hold back the tears. The tears that I have so long
suppressed within me. Sometimes I feel like the universe has been playing tricks on me. I fell in love with the most amazing person. She is far from perfect. I am aware of it and yet I fell in love with her. No one is perfect. Yes, no one. I concluded, "No one is perfect. Not even me. Not even love."
As the saying goes, "Love is blind". And I have been blind for 3 years. 3 agonizing years of loving someone without her knowing it. It feels like shit, yet it also feels like heaven.
Love. That four-letter word which makes you feel butterflies in your stomach. The one which makes your heartbeat flutter like crazy. The one which makes you feel all giddy and inspired. The one which causes you to unconsciously smile at the mere memory of the person's smile. But love could also be a bitch. It could also be the one which makes you feel like you're standing on a cliff as the deep waters and jagged rocks at the bottom daringly invites you to take a plunge, to leave
everything behind and accept the pain as you crush to pieces, breaking all of your bones as you lie there feeling the most unbearable pain you can ever imagine.
2:38 AM.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
I woke up feeling irritated with the incessant ringing of my phone. I must have dozed off a while ago. I can still feel the effects of alcohol in my system. I
immediately got up and grabbed my phone. I glanced at my phone with my eyes half closed and a smile slowly crept into my face when I saw my wallpaper. It was a picture of her and me. I checked at the time, 2:39 AM.
"Who in the world would call at this hour?", I said to myself without bothering to fully open my eyes. I pressed the answer button and listened as the caller
earlier at the party. I hope you got home safe. You weren't replying to my messages."
My eyes blinked a couple of times. My brain just woke up immediately. My heart fluttered like crazy. My thoughts flew from my bed to the moon upon hearing her voice. "Hey... I'm sorry too I was not able to tell you that I already left. I was just not feeling well. I hope I did not ruin your mood."
I stayed still while I waited for her reply. It was a lie. I was in a good mood before the party. I was happy I could be with her again. It was a good night being with my friends and I was there enjoying and listening to her talk, watching her smile and laugh at every joke being thrown. But her boyfriend had to join us and ruin the fun. I just could not stand seeing them together being sweet and all. It was too much. It was painful. It was, as always, the death of me. I left the party without telling her. I dropped by the convenience store near my apartment and bought 9 bottles of beer, hoping it could wipe out those lingering memories of her with that guy. I just can't possibly sleep with all the heavy feelings that I have kept hidden deep within me.
"Uhm..", she spoke with her soft angel-like voice. "You could have just told me you know. I'm your bestfriend. I would've taken care of you."
I smiled at her response. She has always been there for me for the past 5 years that we've known each other. She always takes good care of me. I have been far from my family in pursuit of my dreams. Sure I have other friends too, but she is always special. She takes care of me like a baby, like a princess, like a lover. Lover. Silly of me. I could never be a lover in her eyes. I sighed as I carefully thought of my words.
"I'm sorry, but you know I can take care of my self. I'm all grown up now. No need to worry mommy. Now let's just go to sleep, you'll surely need it since you still need to grow you know. Hahaha." I tried to act cool and funny in order to hide my pain. I could not bother her with my own feelings. I could not let her know that I love her more than just a best friend. I can't risk our friendship. If she knows, it will surely be all or nothing. I can't live with nothing.
"Yeah, I do need some sleep. Hehe. I even drank my milk and growth vitamins just now.", she chuckled. "But remember, if you need me I'm just here. Just a call
away. What are friends for, right? Best friend?", she sounded serious.
I sighed again. "Yes my dearest bestfriend. I would shamelessly call you in the middle of the night if ever I would need you. I'll hang up now. Good night, thanks for worrying. I love you."
"Okay. I love you too. Good night.", and with that the call ended. I also felt like my breathing ended, like I am dying inside. But I know my love for her has yet to see its end. I doubt that it will ever end.
Bittersweet
March 2013.
9:15 AM.
Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong.
“Ugghhhh.”, I groaned. I have been awakened by the sound of my annoying door
floor. I grabbed the bottles and threw them into the trash can. As soon as I took a step towards the bathroom I felt my head ache. Hangover. That must be it.
“Just a minute please.”, I yelled as I went to the bathroom and quickly washed my
face and brushed my teeth. I head towards the door and opened it. To my surprise I saw her standing on my front door holding out a paper bag and a plastic bag which seems to have coffee on it. My eyes widened and I forced a smile as I ushered her inside.
“Good morning. What brings you here? It’s Sunday you know. You disrupted my beauty sleep.”, I muttered sheepishly.
“I know, which is why I’m here. I brought along coffee and cupcakes for our breakfast since I know you'd be lazy to prepare one yourself.”, she said as she
slowly unwrapped them and placed them carefully on the coffee table across the television. She picked up the remote control and scanned for shows that would interest her. She stopped at the Cartoon Network. She then sat comfortably at the couch and raised her leg on top of the coffee table without even bothering to remove her shoes.
I smiled at her. Seeing her like this feeling so at home at my apartment made me feel at peace. Ever since I left America, I have been living practically on my own
in South Korea as I enrolled myself in a music academy. I have always dreamt of becoming an artist, a performer, a singer, or anything that has to do with music. It has always been a part of my life. My passion. My strength. My saving grace. It has been 5 years since I have been living by myself. My family has been well off, thus providing me with my one bedroom apartment. Life has been tough being independent, or me trying to be independent. I have never thought that dreams come with a price. But seeing this person in my living room made all the difference between hope and hopelessness.
“Did you sleep well last night?”, she asked me without taking her eyes off the
cartoon show at the cable network.
“I don’t know. Well, someone called me up at almost 3:00 in the morning and
interrupted my dream when I was about to kiss Dennis Oh. Yeah sure, I slept
well.”, I said while grinning at her. I slumped in the couch and rested my head on
her shoulder. The hangover from last night still kept me uneasy. My head seems to
have hit a hard wall. “Urgghhhhh....”, I groaned as I massaged my temple.
“Yah. Have you been drinking by yourself last night?”, she asked as she took my
hand away and shifted her gaze towards my temple. Slowly she made me lie unto her lap and massaged my forehead.
“Mmmmnn.. How did you know?”. My heart has been beating wildly again as I
felt her warm hands relieving the pain from my headache. I closed my eyes as I secretly savoured the moment. She could always tell what I have been up to or what I have been doing. She claims to have known me more than I know myself. I know this is partially true. We have been best friends since our freshmen days in music school. 5 years of being best friends to be exact and 3 years of me loving her without her knowing. Yes, the only thing she would not know is how much I really love her. The only thing that I would dare hide from her.
“It’s not like this is your first time waking up with a bad head ache. Heck, you
could not even open your eyes properly. The last time you were like this was 2 weeks ago. Remember? After the performance celebration? You were dead drunk. I had to carry you back here and stay with you for the whole night. You woke up
having a bad headache.” Her voice sounded irritated but still, she continued to
massage my forehead down to my temple.
“Yeah, I figured out I couldn’t sleep so I bought a couple of beers. No big deal.”
“And I thought you weren’t feeling well last night.”, she muttered.
I opened my eyes only to see her staring right at me. Her powerful gaze could leave me paralyzed. My heart would just not cooperate with me no matter how I
tried to slow it down. I could tell she was mad. She was practically glaring at me right now. She took care of me the last time I was drunk. It was the time when her boyfriend dropped by at the restaurant where we were having our celebration after a successful class presentation of Lady Marmalade. It was the time when her boyfriend kissed her in front of our whole class before saying goodbye to us and left for his work. It was heart-breaking that I could not stop myself from chugging down a whole barrel of alcohol.
“I’m sorry okay. I said it’s no big deal.” I got up from her lap. I was about to stand
up when I felt her grab my wrist pulling me down. She pulled my shoulders and made me lie unto her lap again.
“Okay, but you know how I always feel with you drinking. Is there something wrong? Do you have any problems that you have not been telling me?”, she asked
me while looking straight into my eyes.
I looked away trying to hide the pain. I debated with myself whether or not to tell her that I have never felt okay ever since the day I realized that I loved her more than I should love her. I wanted to tell her how much it hurts to see her love someone else. Someone she obviously loves. Someone obviously better than me because of the fact that he's a guy. I wanted to tell her that. But eventually, I did
what I’m always good at. I thought of a lie. I've been good at lying lately especially
“I’m sorry if I did not tell you. I just missed my dad and my siblings. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them. Don’t worry; I’ll try not to drink much again.” I
smiled at her upon saying those words hoping to convince her. Being far from my family has always been my excuse whenever she asks if something’s wrong with me. She always accepts this reason anyway.
Her gaze softened as she smiled at me. She lowered her head slowly. I panicked, wondering what she would do. Will she kiss me? I asked myself. She lowered her head still and I could feel her warm breath in my forehead. I closed my eyes. Time stood still. Everything stood still, even my heartbeat. And then I felt it. Her soft lips landed on my forehead.
“It’s okay. I understand.”, she said as she lifted her head and went back to
massaging my temple.
I opened my eyes. She kissed my forehead. How I wish my lips were the ones that
felt her lips. Hearing her tell me that she understands made me feel relaxed. I don’t
know. But whenever she says this I always feel like I have someone whom I could always depend on. She may not fully understand the depth of my feelings but I know she understands how I just need someone to be there for me. I absent-mindedly touched the part of my forehead where she kissed.
“Thank you for understanding and for the concern. You know I appreciate you for that.” I told her.
“I’m your best friend after all. So it’s my job.” she smiled widely showing her chin dimples. “Here, drink this while it’s still hot and eat these cupcakes. You’re not so
skinny so there’s no sense in going into diet. I’ll just grab a pain reliever in your
medicine drawer okay?” And with that I got up as I followed her with my gaze as
she walked towards my bedroom looking for the medicine.
I slowly drank the coffee and ate the cupcakes. Bitter coffee and sweet cupcakes. Just like my love for her. Bittersweet.
Love Sick
April 2013.
7:09 PM.
It’s the first week of the month. One more school term and I’d be off completing
my goal and finish my studies. Midterms are looming ahead and everyone is either too excited or too desperate to get it over and done with. With all the preparations for various performances and studying for all the upcoming exams, I barely had enough time to squeeze anything not related to school.
I got my books and notes from my locker and quickly rushed towards my classroom. I slumped down my desk as I laid out all of my stuff. The professor started his lecture about song composition, harmony, melody and etcetera. I wanted to listen to him and concentrate but my heart and eyes decided to have a mind of its own again. I stared at the person sitting beside me and gave her a quick and sincere smile. She has always complimented my smile, telling me how much she loves the way my pupils disappear as my eyes curve along with my lips. I meant to avert my gaze after that and focus on the discussion in front of me but I just sat there immobilized when she looked at me with those intense eyes and adorable smile which showed her chin dimples.
“...and I believe it is now time for every one of you to perform your very own compositions. Let’s see here. How about I choose the first performer randomly eh?” beamed the professor. “Okay, let’s have Miss Hwang.”
Cheers and applause erupted from the class as they stared right at me. “Shit.”, I
said to myself. Sure, I wasn’t one to shy away from a performance. I have always
felt confident whenever I perform. What got me was that the professor really had to break our moment. Staring and smiling at each other was the only thing I’d ever wanted to do right now. But like the performer that I am, I walked towards the platform and put on my performer-mode face. My professor reminded me to give a short introduction of my piece before I sing.
“Uhmm.. Ehem..” I slowly warmed up. I clutched my lyric sheet. I took a glance at
the whole class and eyed one person in particular. I looked straight into my best
friend’s eyes. Those eyes owned by the person I love most. The person I’d be
willing to give my whole life to.
“The idea of this song came to me 3 years ago. It kind of symbolized what I felt at
that moment. This song is special to me. I gave my heart and everything in it. I
hope that the person I am dedicating this will appreciate it.”, and with that I closed
my eyes and started to sing. Deep in my heart I hoped that she will not only hear my voice but also my heart which beats only for her.
Love Sick
It was the first time feeling like this My entire heart has been taken from me
What do I do? What should I do? In front of you, I become ice I ruin it all with good-for-nothing words
You might have thought that I was stupid Why did you make me like this
Give it back to me,
my heart that you took without knowing Why did you come inside without permission,
without warning and shake me up? You burn me up and make me cry
I pray every day for the day you will look back to me Can’t you see me as a woman? Is it already too late?
It was the first time I got to know love
I can’t hide this face Everything about me was caught What do I do? What should I do?
When I see you, I turn white I run away like a child You might have thought
I was arrogant and strange Why did I change like this?
Give it back to me,
my heart that you took without knowing Why did you come inside without permission,
without warning and shake me up? You burn me up and make me cry
I pray every day for the day you will look back to me Can’t you see me as a woman? Is it already too late?
It was the first time I got to know love
Will it get better if I’m love sick like a cold? What happens if I’m love sick again?
Please take it away, this love that opened my eyes to you Why did you come to me without caution,
without sound and shake me up? You make me want you and be in pain
I hope every day for the day you will finally acknowledge me Can’t it be fulfilled just once? I’ve waited for a long time
I opened my eyes. For the entire duration of the song I have chosen to close my
eyes. I just can’t look at her. I have poured out my heart in that song. I can’t bear to know what her reaction will be. It’s not like she knows that it’s for her anyway. But with her, it’s always all or nothing.
The whole class was silent as they looked at me. I could feel all of my confidence go down the drain. I could just hear the loud thumping of my heart. Then one by one my classmates clapped. They were giving me a standing ovation. Suddenly I felt my cheeks burn from their reaction. Somehow I felt satisfied. I rushed towards my seat not wanting to look into the questioning eyes of my best friend.
“Wow! That was an emotional performance Miss Hwang. You did an outstanding job.” I smiled back at my professor and my classmates while they teased me.
“Look who’s in love.”, my classmates coaxed. “Wow Tiff, I didn’t know you got it in you. Who’s the lucky guy?”, they prodded.
“What was that?”, an angel-like voice softly asked me.
The bell rang, signalling the end of the class. I grabbed my stuff, hurriedly dumped them in my locker and ran away from school. Away from her.
I did not dare look back. I sang that song for her. In front of her. She will surely question me. I can easily break down in front of her right now. All of my self control may leave me in blink of an eye.The thought of confessing my love to her
is going to be another death of me. I just can’t do it now. I know it’s going to be all
or nothing.
I ran and ran until my feet took me back to my apartment. I slumped with my back against the wall. I panted. I could feel my heart jumping out of my chest. It was yet again another agony. I feel sick. Sick of being unable to tell her that I love her. Sick for not having the courage to tell her how I feel. Sick of knowing that she may not love me back. Warm drops of liquid started to fall from my eyes. I head back to my bedroom and cried myself to sleep.
Blaming
April 2013.
6:30 AM.
Kriing. Kriiiing. Kriiing.
“Mmnnn...”
Kriing. Kriiiing. Kriiing.
“Ughh. Stop! Just a minute!”, I yelled at my alarm clock before shoving it out of
my corner table as I slowly opened my eyes. I blinked a couple of times and
glanced at my wrist watch. 6:34 AM. I just forgot to turn off my alarm last night. I was in no mood to wake up early and pretend that it's going to be a good morning.
I slowly got up and went to the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror for awhile. I looked like I just had an outing in hell. My face smudged with make up
from last night’s crying. My eyes were slightly puffy. My hair was a piece of mess.
Hurriedly, I started to wash up, hoping that the cold water could rinse away everything. I brushed my teeth before stepping out of the bathroom.
I wandered my eyes through my room and I swear I could feel the gloomy atmosphere that has been eating me all up. My window blinds have been shut. I walked over and flicked the blinds open. Rays of sunshine slowly filled the darkness and seeped through every corner of my room. Unconsciously, I thought that the darkness I felt with this unrequited love has been my own doing. Just like my room and the window blinds, I chose to keep it all walled up inside of me blocking every possible sunlight. I could flick the blinds of my heart open anytime
to let the light of love shine through my dark, damaged heart. But no, I can’t. The
choice of light has never been on me. It has always been hers.
I looked down my window. My apartment is located at the 3rdfloor of the complex. I could see from here the neighbourhood. Early morning joggers have started to pace back and forth along the side of the street. Some of my elderly neighbours have gathered below the corner, forming a small circle. They looked engrossed with whatever they were talking about. Gossip maybe. Men and women in their business suits head towards their cars, perhaps on their way to their offices. Dogs and even cats have also littered the street along with their respective owners. Even the birds swooped up and down the sky as they landed one by one along the
I sighed. “How could the world move forward? How come everyone have their own lives to live while I lose hope in mine? How come time won’t stop still while I try to mend my broken heart?”
It was pointless blaming the world of my love woes. I know this and yet I long for something to blame, someone to blame. But who was to blame? Me? Her? No, not
her. Perhaps I could blame her boyfriend. No, I can’t because that would be unfair.
The society? Yes. The society where we live in. Loving someone comes with a set of rules. Love isn’t absolute. Love is limited. Love is not for everyone. These have been what the society has been telling me. Imposing laws and rules forcing hearts like mine to cower in the darkness and embrace the frustration of not being able to express my love to her.
I could honestly not see the difference between the love of a man and woman with
that of a woman and another woman. It’s still love after all. And this is why I can
blame the society. They see love as a stereotype emotion. Only between a man and a woman. How cruel. How unfortunate. My love for her is damned. I have been damned all along. The blinds of my heart are still kept shut begging to be opened someday. And just like every other day for the past 3 years of my life, I felt sick again. Sick of this damned love.
So Much for Love
April 2013.
8:00 AM.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I just got out of the shower when I heard my phone ring. I haven’t checked it since
I left school yesterday. 4 missed calls from Taeyeon and 5 messages. I randomly scanned the messages. One message was from Hyoyeon. I tapped my phone to view her message.
“Hey Tiff, you’ve been MIA in my life for years now. Be there at the club later. I
miss you! Time to shake that booty ;)” - 7:10 AM.
I scrolled past her message. This time my heart skipped a beat as I saw her name on my phone. I tapped and opened her messages. 4 messages from her.
“Fany? Where did you go?” – 8:22 PM
“Fany. I was hoping to personally congratulate you with your song. It was
amazing! I knew you could do it your voice was awesome! By the way, I looked for
you after class but they told me you left in a hurry.” – 9:10 PM
“Good night Fany, my best friend. I love youuuuuu! Awesome composer!! Jjang! :)” – 11:08 PM
“Good morning Fany! Dookong says good morning to Totoro. By the way, I’m
hoping I could present my song composition tonight at class. I made it for
Wooyoung. Do you think he’ll like it if he hears it? See you later honey Fany!” –
7:48 AM
Oh Taeyeon. Such sweet torture to see your “I love yous”. I could never be more than just a best friend. Never. 2 years ago you made that clear to me.
February 2011.
Everyone from the Arts and Music Academy were invited to the Valentine’s Ball
sponsored by the Performing Arts Department. Me, Taeyeon and some of our friends from the Music, Acting and Dance Department were present. There were 9 of us, who since our 1styear in school, have felt bonded over time like sisters.
We’ve come a long way since then, supporting each other through hard times. We
were always cheering for each other during performances and lending shoulders for each one to cry on whenever a professor or instructor started bitching out on our lack of potential. I loved these 8 girls. But one of them is special. I love her more than I loved anyone.
I was excited today. It was a pre-Valentine ball and I get to be with Taeyeon to spend the night with. Who knows I could get lucky and slow dance with her. The ball took place at the great hall of our school. Seats were formed at the sides while the center was left open and served as the dance floor. The platform stage was elevated and the school DJ was playing love song remixes. The music was upbeat. Love is in the air. I glanced at the eight people sitting with me at the seats reserved for us. We were having fun.
School term was about to end and I could not wait to spend a few days of vacation.
This Valentine’s party was just the first of my many fun nights, I thought to
“Honey Fany, you were zoning out. Still looking for your Valentine’s date?”, she
smirked.
“Stop calling me Honey Fany, I’m not your honey Tae.”, I smiled.
“Why can’t I? I’m your best friend. I can call you anything I want. Honey Fany.” I
blushed with her words. Good thing the lighting was dim. No one could notice the
bright pink shade I’ve had in my face.
Our friends shifted their attention towards us. “Look at these two bickering. Just stop and kiss already okay.”, Sooyoung, from the Acting Department, commented.
“Yeah. It’s V-day anyway. What more perfect time to confess your love for each other?”, Yoona, also from the Acting Department, snickered.
“H-huh? What are you all t-talking about? W-we were just playing around. Yeah. That’s it.”, I quickly excused myself to the restroom and left in a hurry. I could feel
my fingers shaking. My breathing erratic. My heart pounding. My cheeks blushing. I could not believe myself. I had been stuttering.
“Shit.”, I muttered. “How could I be more obvious?” I sighed.
I went back to our seats after gaining my composure. All of their backs were turned on me but I could still hear their conversations.
“...c’mon. Stop teasing us. We’re just best friends. Don’t get me wrong. I love her
but just not in that way like how Yuri here loves Jessica. No offense, I respect you
two Jess, Yuri and your relationship, but me and Tiffany? Nope. We’re just best
friends. I could never see myself be with a girl. I mean, hello? Me? A lesbian?”
I felt my fragile heart leap out of my chest and take a plunge at a deep well. I could
not get it back. It has been dragging my whole being along with it. Taeyeon’s
words just now sucked the life out of me. It’s been a year since I’ve realized that I love her. I have been careful not to show it to her or to anyone in particular for fear of rejection. But like a speeding bullet, her rejection pierced through my heart. I did not expect it. It was harsh. It was cold.
“Oh, there you are Fany unnie. Why don’t we go to the dance floor?” I was
startled. I looked up. It was Seohyun from the Instrumental Music Department. She stood up from her seat and grabbed my hand as we head out to the dance floor leaving everyone confused.
“Did she just hear me?” Taeyeon asked the group as I walked past, forcing an
excited smile to Seohyun, pretending to be unaffected with her words.
I could not help but feel grateful to Seohyun for dragging me out of that awkward as hell situation. I even think that she knows what I feel. She sympathized for me but I could not care less. I just need to distract myself. I drowned everything out
with the music. So much for the Valentine’s spirit. So much for Taeyeon breaking
Not Alone
April 2013.
10:05 AM.
I sat on my couch reading my class notes while singing along to Pink’s song, Just
Give Me A Reason as it blares through my stereo. Whenever I felt down and broken hearted, I turn to music to cheer me up. I just feel like belting all of my feelings and emotions.
Ding dong. Ding dong.
I got up and walked towards my door. Who could it be? Could it be Taeyeon?
“Jessi, I miss you!”, I said as I hugged her. I ushered her inside while she handed
me a small plastic bag. I opened it and I beamed. It was a small pink box! I
carefully laid it down the kitchen table to check what’s inside. A sweet smell
caught my nose as I picked the small cake from the box.
It was a strawberry cake. All pink. I laughed at it. I’ve been feeling all miserable
lately that the thoughtfulness of Jessica’s action warmly touched my heart.
“Do you like it?”, she asked. “I was around your neighbourhood and saw this
newly opened cafe at the corner. They have lots of mouth watering pastries down
there.”, she said while smiling at me.
“Of course I do! I like it, no wait. I love it!”, I squealed. Aside from Taeyeon,
Jessica is also one of my best friends. More like my sister. Both of us grew up in America and knew each other back then before transferring here in Korea. Jessica
is Yuri’s girlfriend for 4 years now. I looked at her, envying the love that they have. Sure it wasn’t perfect. But it was enough for both of them. They were both
good enough for each other. It was something that I doubt Taeyeon would ever feel towards me.
Jessica took two forks and saucers from the cupboard and placed it in the kitchen table. We made small talks about the weather and how our week went. We talked
about her and Yuri and their future plans together. I showed her how happy I was for them. I always am.
“When will you start thinking about your future Tiff?”, Jessi’s tone turned serious
and looked at me straight into my eyes.
“What do you mean Jess? I told you that after graduating I’ll work hard to audition
in musicals or perhaps ask my dad to start my own music studio and produce my own compositions. My future will always be about my love for music Jess. I told yo—“
“Your future with Taeyeon. Think about it.”, Jessica interrupted me. I was taken aback. She wasn’t asking me. She was more like demanding it from me.
“I don’t understand you Jess. Of course Taeyeon’s my best friend. We’ll be like that still.”, I said. I was hoping that she did not hear the strain in my voice as I
spoke.
Instead of saying something, she grabbed her bag and took out her phone. She tapped into something and showed me what was in the screen. There I was
heard myself sing “Love Sick”. My very own song composition. My song for
Taeyeon.
“Where did you get that? That was last night.”, I asked her.
“Oh well, apparently, you have been the star of the night. One of your classmates took a video of you while performing. It’s been circulating around campus. You
were amazing here. Everyone loved it. I love it too, except for the part where you sang your heart out and exposing how hurt you are for loving her.”, Jessica stated in as- a-matter-of-factly manner.
I put on the widest smile possible. I tried to keep the eye contact with Jessica. She knows about my secret now. But my pride will just not let me admit defeat. Jessica knows me as the go-getter girl. Heck I even fought tooth and nail with my dad when he wanted me to take up a business course instead of pursuing my passion for music. Just like any of my dreams and goals, love is something I fight hard for.
I won’t let it make me look like a loser, especially in the eyes of Jessica.
“I’m glad you like it. I know I’m the best composer in class right now. I bet my classmates would have a hard time exceeding my achievement.” I said cheerfully
hoping she’d drop the topic. I’m just not ready to admit that I love Taeyeon and she could not love me back. That would suck.
“Shut up Tiff. Stop this pretense. It’s been years since you’ve been pretending. Do you really think that I’m blind? Taeyeon may be blind but I’m not. Please just talk about it. It’s hard to fight your battles alone.”, She was glaring at me. She does this when she knows that I’m lying.
“I’m sorry Jessi, I just don’t want you to see me like this...” Sniff. “I’m sorry. I just can’t take it anymore. 3 years is long enough...” Sniff. “It’s too painful.... I don’t know if I can hold on....” Sniff sniff. My voice trailed off as tears dropped from my
eyes. I sobbed. My cries grew louder and louder. I cried hard.
“Shhh.. I know. I know. I can’t bear to see you get hurt Tiff. I love you..”, Jessica cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears away with her hanky. “Just cry if you want to. Let it all out. I’m here for you. Your friends are here for you. You can’t be strong all the time. There’s a time to love and a time to love yourself more.”
I cried more. I felt my walls break down. I tried to keep it all within me for as long
as I can, but hearing Jessica’s words I know now is not the right time to act strong.
I felt like a part of my burden has been lifted up. It was overwhelming. I'm not alone now. I'm not alone.
First Time
April 2013.
1:20 PM.
I went to school feeling conflicted with my emotions. Jessica stayed with me until lunch and parted ways when we reached school. She was in a rush for practice of
her own interpretation of Legally Blonde to which she’ll present to class. Before
she left she hugged me tight and assured me that my secret is safe with her. After I cried in her arms, I told her that I'm not yet ready to talk about it. I just needed her support. She was very understanding of me, and I could only feel thankful.
I could not help but feel relieved knowing that I have Jessi to comfort me now. I sat on one of the benches in the school grounds as I waited for my 2:00 PM class. I
know I’ll be seeing Taeyeon later. We have been classmates since our first year at school. We’ve been inseparable since then. I smiled at the memory of our first
January 2009.
9:30 AM.
It was a cold morning. I was 17 years old back then. After passing the written exam, interview and live performance; I finally got my lifelong dream. I was accepted at the Arts and Music Academy. I stood by the gates of the school taking it all in. I felt happy yet terribly scared. I was so unsure. It was so surreal to me as I slowly made my way into the large campus. I found my way into the Admissions Center of the school where I saw boys and girls from different walks of life lining up to complete the admission and registration process.
I scanned the room hoping for someone familiar. I felt so alone and unsure of things. It has only been a month since I have lived in South Korea. My sister accompanied me here from States and helped me as we settled my apartment which was located 4 blocks from the school campus. She had to go back to States
for her job so I’m left all by myself now in an unfamiliar environment. My Korean
still sucks. I was still having a hard time understanding some words but I still pretended to act confident.
I was lost in my own thoughts when some guy bumped into me causing me to fall
and hit the ground butt first. “Ouch!”, I yelped. The guy immediately apologized
She grabbed my wrist and asked, “Miss, are you okay?”
I was still busy patting my butt and muttering curses to look at the person talking. But there was something in her voice that made me turn my head towards its direction. I was probably gaping with my jaw open. She snapped her fingers at my face.
“Ehem. Did you by chance hit your head on the ground too?” She asked with a
look of concern on her face. She looked like 10-year old kid with her bangs covering her forehead. She looked so cute. She was like a baby. Fluffy. Squishy. Cuddly.
“Uhhm no. I’m fine, just a bump. Nothing serious. Uhm. My butt is okay. Errmm. I mean, I’m good. I’m cool. Yeah. I am.” I mentally smacked myself. What the
heck was I saying? I was totally lost for words with the look she was giving me. Her eyes were like glistening marbles. It’s as if those pair of round crystal-like marbles were staring straight into my soul. I did not dare break our eye contact.
We stood there for a few minutes until she slapped my butt lightly. My eyes
“Checking your butt? I mean, if it’s okay now? Hehe.”, she grinned.
“You’re unbelievable.” I tried to hide my embarrassment.
“Nope. I’m not unbelievable. I’m Kim Taeyeon. Incoming freshman majoring in Vocal Music. And you?”
“Really? I’m an incoming freshman too. We have the same major! That’s cool! Oh well, I’m Hwang Miyoung, but please call me with my American name since I’m from America. Tiffany Hwang.” I smiled as I extended my hand towards her
direction. I tried to act cool in front of her.
“Tippani?” She asked. “No, it’s Tiffany. Teee faaaa neeee.” I tried to emphasize
my name.
“I was just about to register. If you don’t mind, can you help me with it? Since we’re both Vocal Music majors. I hope it’s really okay with you.” I sounded like I
was begging her. Maybe I was just desperate for someone to be with me in this unfamiliar place.
“Sure. It’s my pleasure!” She smiled and did something with her hands trying to
imitate a cartoon character or something. What a dork. I felt relieved. I'm not alone now.
“Thanks!” I gave her my eye smile. She smiled at me too showing her chin
dimples. She grabbed my hand as we walked towards the room. Little did I know that it would be the first of our many moments together. Since then we became the best of friends. Until my stupid heart decided to mess it all up by falling in love with her making me feel like the first time I stood by the campus gates. Happy, scared and unsure.
Can't Take It
April 2013.
1:42 PM.
The cool breeze swept through my body as I heard the rustling of the leaves from the trees lined up in the campus grounds. I have been thinking of how thankful I am to have met Taeyeon when I was in need of someone to be at my side. I glanced at my wrist watch. 1:42 PM.
“I should probably head out to my class now.”, I said to myself as I grabbed my
bag. I was about to stand up from the bench when I felt a pair of warm hands cover my eyes, blocking my view.
“Hmnnn...”, I touched the pair of hands. I tried to feel the knuckles and fingers. I
felt something cold, like a piece of metal. Was it a ring? Who could this person be?
“Who is it? C’mon, I’m gonna be late for class if you don’t take your hands off my eyes.”
“Geez. So grumpy!”, she took her hands off my eyes and faced me. Before I could
react, she gave me a peck in my right cheek before pinching the left one. I was surprised with her actions. She looked at me laughing.
“Yah. Why so sneaky? And why are you so happy today?”, I asked as I grabbed
her hand as we walked towards our classroom. Secretly, my heart was swelling inside. She kissed my cheek. She only does that when she's excited about something.
“Honey Fany!!! I want you to be the first one to see this.” She talked excitedly.
Her voice was high pitched. She was almost shouting her words. She looked really happy. Then she showed me her right hand. There was a ring on it. A ring. A silver ring. A ring on her ring finger. Fuck. Shit. Just fuck this shit.
She waved her right hand at my face then twirling it around as she marvelled at its
beauty. “It’s from Wooyoung. He dropped by my apartment this morning. He said
that this is a promise ring. Oh my. You should have seen it Fany. He was so
romantic. He sang me a love song and gave me flowers. I was actually crying. I’m
so happy!” My ears could have bled right then and there. Hearing her so happy
with him was another death of me. She ended her speech and hugged me tight. I hugged her back then pulled out.
“Oh my. Are you crying too?”, Taeyeon asked me with her soft angel-like voice.
“What? Oh yeah.” I responded as I took out my hanky to wipe droplets of tears that
were slowly pouring down. I felt sick. My insides were tumbling down. My head was spinning. “Tears of joy.” I lied.
“Awww. Thanks Fany. You know, I’m so lucky to have two of the most amazing persons in my life. Wooyoung and you, my best friend.” She hugged me again.
This time it was a gentle hug. She snaked her hands on my waist and slowly rubbed my back. We stayed that way for almost 5 minutes. It took all of my
strength to hold back the tears. I pulled out from the hug and grabbed her hand as I walked in front of her with my head bent down. We walked inside the classroom and I placed my things on my desk. I let go of her hand. She sat beside me. Our professor walked in. Class was about to start.
“...and that is why song composition is a skill, a talent, a passion that should never
be taken for granted. Last night I already asked one of your classmate to perform
her own song composition. Tonight, why don’t we have another one? Any volunteer?”
My professor expectantly looked at the class. My classmates were eyeing me. I
could hear some of my classmates murmuring. “I’m so nervous. Last night Hwang did a great job. She set the bar so high.” I swelled with pride as I heard them.
“Me, professor! I’d like to try.” It was Taeyeon. She stood up in the platform in
front. If there was someone brave enough to perform in front, that would definitely be Taeyeon. Taeyeon was one of the best singers in our class. Her voice was
something one could not just simply ignore. She sang like an angel. Her voice was soft. But she could be fierce too. Her high notes were the best. She was a total performer. She looked awesome. She looked like an angel.
“This song is for my boyfriend, Wooyoung. I made this song when I thought of him. I hope he likes it, and I hope you would enjoy it too.”
My heart felt like there was nothing left to be broken. It was all empty. Just a big
void. The ring he gave her was too much to bear. The song that she’s about to sing is just plain torture. Brutal torture. I felt my eyes feel watery. I can’t take this
anymore. I just can’t. I know Wooyoung is good for her. They have been dating for
two years already. He was a friend of Taecyeon, who was friends with our group. I introduced Wooyoung to Taeyeon. My biggest regret. He is 2 years older than her. He is passionate about music too. He is charming. He is also a gentleman. He is the lover of the love of my life.
Screw this.
“Here goes my song...”
All My Love is For You
Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah oh
My reflection was in the window of the train I boarded in the new town. My eyes seemed uneasy.
You taught me not to forget my true self
I wonder if you’re even shining now
The flowing scenery made me take a deep breath.
And looking up the sky’s horizon
I hear your voice
Even if you leave me far away, if I close my eyes, your heart will be near All my love is for you
Nothing left to lose
Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah
Because I know its strength
Your love has lightened
Because of the slanted world, it seems like I’m tumbling down
You supported me Even standing on a shaking train
Your simple smile is the best
Even if the world ends, I will believe in your smiling face
for---I stood up. for---I grabbed my belongings and walked over to the professor. for---I told him
I’m not feeling well and asked if I could excuse myself from his class. He agreed. I
left hurriedly while Taeyeon was still singing. I glanced at her, she looked confused but still continued to sing.
"I'm sorry Tae. I need to go." I mouthed, as I disappearred from her view.
I went out of the school building and hailed a cab and went back to my apartment.
Heart Warming
April 2013.
3:39 PM.
I ran up to my apartment and closed the door shut. I placed my bag in the bed and took off my clothes. I went to the bathroom and immersed myself in the bathtub. My heart felt numb. I felt like my eyes had a dam. Holding back so many tears inside. Well, that dam is just about to burst when one by one my tears streamed continuously.
I felt the warm water against my body. It felt good. I closed my eyes despite the steady flow of my tears. I thought about the things that led me to this predicament. I thought about Taeyeon.
March 2009.
8:10 PM
Taeyeon brought me to this ramen house somewhere in the outskirts of the city.
The view here was great. There were so many trees around. Lately I’ve had a hard
time adjusting to living alone. I felt homesick. The long distance calls I made to my family back in the States did not help that much. Sure, I made the decision to follow my heart and fulfill my dreams but I did not know that this was going to be hard.
I’ve been bullied by some of my classmates earlier today. They were laughing at my jumbled Korean words and my “annoying” American accent. Only Taeyeon
stood up for me. She was always there to protect me.
“Are you still thinking about what happened earlier?, she asked as she looked at
“Just a bit. I was actually thinking of how to thank you for standing up against them.”, I smiled at her.
“Oh really? You know Tippany, I will always be here for you. We’re friends you
know. I will not let those meanies get a hand on you. I’d smack their mouth shut
for you.”, She smiled as she told me those words with all sincerity.
I was touched.
“But still I want to thank you.”, I replied.
“Well, tomorrow is my birthday. My parents are coming over from Jeonju. I want you to join us for dinner. Please?”, she pouted. She looked so irresistibly cute. I
pinched her cheeks.
“It’s your birthday tomorrow! You did not tell me ahead. I should get you a gift.”, I
“Hmn.. Just be my best friend. That would be the best gift you could ever give.”,
She smiled as she stared straight into my eyes.
“Fair enough. My friendship is priceless. We’ll be best friends!” I said with my
loud voice. I was excited. I was happy.
“Thanks!”, she giggled and hugged me.
August 2009.
10:22 PM.
I just got back from a dinner with my friends Jessica, Sooyoung, Yuri, Sunny, Hyoyeon, Seohyun and Yoona. We were from different departments from the Arts and Music Academy but got together as a group when we befriended each other during a school event. Except for Jessica whom I have known since way back, all of the girls were practically my new friends. I invited them to dinner since it was my birthday. It was the first time I celebrated my birthday without my family and I could not help but feel sad.
I felt even more sad when Taeyeon could not make it to the dinner. She had to go back to her hometown for some minor family emergency. How I wish she was here.
It was already late when I got back from my apartment. I felt tired and lonely once again.
“Way to go Tiffany Hwang. Happy Birthday!”, I silently said to myself.
Just then I heard my doorbell ring. Who could it be? It’s late now. I opened my door to check who’s behind it.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”
A dozen pink balloons were now floating inside my living room. I was shocked. I looked at Taeyeon who was now dressed in an all pink shirt with matching hot pink pants and a light pink sneakers.
“Awww.. I believe it’s time for you to hug me and say ‘Thank you best friend, I love you’”, she joked as she went near me while I tried to muffle my cries. I was so
touched with her gesture. It was so sweet of her. And I thought that I could not see her on my birthday. God. Thank you for this person.
“Come here.”, she held my hand and led me to the living room. She made me sit
on the couch as she placed a box. She got out the cake from the box and rushed to the kitchen to get a match. She painstakingly lit 18 candles on the cake.
I sat there silently watching her. Tears were still coming from my eyes. I could not explain the happiness I felt at that moment.
“Here. Blow the candles now!”, she took her phone and snapped a picture of me
and the cake.
Poooff. Pooff. I blew all the candles. “Thank you Taeyeon. Thanks best friend. I love you so much.”, I whispered to her as I made my wish to myself. I wish to be
“What did you wish for?” she asked.
“Oh nothing. I wished for you to grow taller.” I smirked as I head out towards the
kitchen. I ran and she caught up to me smacking my butt.
“Why you.. You ungrateful piece of beauty.” She looked like a mad woman who
had gone nuts. We were running around laughing and bickering. It was one of the
most memorable birthdays I’ve ever had.
December 2010.
2:12 PM.
Winter season has now started. I caught a flu when Sooyoung and I went to the night market the other day. The weather was really cold. I have been sneezing the whole day. Taeyeon called this morning and she was invinting me to watch a
movie with her but told her I’m stuck here in my apartment because I caught a flu.
I got up from my bed still clutching my blanket. If there was one thing I dreaded about living alone, it was me getting sick. I practically have to take care of myself and buy my own medicines. It was something I hated. I pitied myself, and I hate self-pity.
I opened the door and saw Taeyeon. She just walked inside my apartment and headed straight towards the kitchen. I heard a few clanking of plates and spoons. I was too exhausted to follow her so I just sat on my couch.
“Hi. I thought you need this.”, she handed me a bowl of porridge and a glass of
water. She took out something from her pocket, which looked like a medicine tablet. She held out her hand and felt my forehead.
“Omo, you’re burning hot.” She took the spoon from the porridge and gently blew
on it. I looked at her like a kid waiting for her mommy to feed her. But that’s what she just did. She fed me. We stayed like that silently. Talking only with our eyes. She made me drink the medicine which looked and tasted nasty to me. But she cheered on.
“Come on baby. You’re a big girl now. Take your medicine.”, she cooed gently as
I obeyed her. Taking the tablet in just one gulp.
“Thanks Tae. Really thank you.” My voice was hoarse. I looked at her. She
understood. She grabbed my shoulders and gently pulled me into a hug. She stood up as she took a small basin and a towel and placed it on my forehead. She made me lie on her lap while washing my face with the soaked towel. She sang me a lullaby while I drifted off to sleep.
Even my family has never taken care of me like the way she takes care of me. It was heart warming. It was good. No, it was the best.
Unique
April 2013.
4:11 PM.
I almost fell asleep in the bathtub. I felt tired and hungry. I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I grabbed some leftover fried rice that I made yesterday and heated it. I sighed remembering Taeyeon and all the unique things that she did for me.
September 2009.
8:15 AM.
Ding dong. Ding dong.
I opened the door only to see Taeyeon standing before me.
“Good morning Tippany! The sun is up, it’s going to be a beautiful day.” She said
while jumping up and down on my living room.
“Can you just call me Fany, it’s much easier for you to say that.” I yawned again. I
sat on the couch and went back to reading a novel that I bought in the bookstore. I
peered through the book as I asked her, “What brings you here Tae?”
She leaned on the couch and stared at the ceiling. “Hmnn. Pany? Paa neee. Nope.
Pfaany. Fahhh neee. Fany.” She slowly muttered. “Fany! There! I finally got it.
Woohoo!” She yelled as she jumped up and down again while waving her hands
up in the air like an idiot. She was smiling like crazy.
I giggled. What a dork. “Ehem. I’m asking you, what brings you here? It’s 8 in the morning and it’s Sunday.”
She stopped jumping and sat beside me on the couch. “Oh. I know this sounds
embarrassing, but I ran out of food. Those shikshins Sooyoung and Yoona went to my apartment yesterday and ate everything in my fridge.” She pouted at me, her
eyes closed. “Can you please, kind, beautiful, generous, talented best friend of mine spare me some food?”
I was laughing hard at her now. “Hahahaha. I can’t believe you. Why don’t you
just stop by the grocery store and buy your own.”
“I will, later. But right now I’m just so hungry. Please? Food?” She got up the
couch and kneeled in front of me.
“Stand up there Tae. I don’t have a beggar for a best friend.” I grabbed her hand as we walked to the kitchen. “Help yourself.”
She opened the fridge immediately and gasped. “Where’s the food Fany?”
“What do you mean? There are leftover pizzas and hamburgers right there. And oh,
I have softdrinks at the bottom shelf too."
“Tsk Tsk Tsk. These are not food. These are all fast food stuff. And no they are not real food.”, she looked disappointed.
I closed the fridge and sat on a chair. “I’m sorry okay. I don’t know how to cook. I just order food. I really want to give you “real” food or nutritious food like what
Seohyun usually gives us during break time, but I don’t know.” I looked down realizing how lacking I am when it comes to cooking skills. No one ever taught me how to cook.
“Shhh. It’s okay Fany. I’m sorry too. I’m just not used to fast food, especially American food.” She held my hands and tapped my head. “Why don’t you change and let’s go out and buy you some real food. I’ll be your personal chef for the day, and if you’re not lazy, I’ll teach you how to cook.” She smiled at me.
My heart swelled at her words. She has always been patient and accepting of my shortcomings. I changed my clothes as we head out to the grocery store. When we got back, she cooked fried rice for me and taught me how to do it. Before she left, she gave me pieces of papers with recipes scribbled on them with her own hand writing. She was the best best friend, best chef and best cooking teacher I ever had.
November 2010.
8:16 PM.
I have been dating Donghae for almost 2 weeks now. It wasn’t really serious; I was just bored and had a lot of free time in between classes. Taeyeon has been
consistent on not liking him for me. Rumors about his womanizing activities were not new. But still I decided to go on dates with him anyway; we would just watch movies together and talk about anything under the sun. Our most intimate moment was kissing on the lips. More like just a peck on the lips.
One night I saw him walking out from the movie house with a girl in tow. They stopped for a minute before making out at the sidewalk. I was with Taeyeon that time. I was not surprised to see him with another girl. I honestly did not mind at
all. Well, my ego was hurt but that’s just it. What surprised me was what Taeyeon
did next. She grabbed Donghae’s collar and punched his nose. Wow. This midget sure has the strength of a giant.
Donghae looked up and saw me. I walked over and slapped him as his nose bled
“Don’t ever go near Tiffany again you asshole!”, Taeyeon shouted and glared at him. I’ve never seen her so mad like this. She grabbed my hand as we walked
away from them. As we reached the corner of the street, she looked at me and hugged me gently. Her hands were rubbing my back up and down. I could feel her warmth radiating on my body.
‘I’m sorry Fany. Forget him, he doesn’t deserve you anyway. You are the best girl any guy could ask for. He was just blind.” She said softly.
I smiled with Taeyeon’s words. She really knows how to cheer me up. I love the
way she comforts me. If every guy cheating on me would make Taeyeon hug me like this then I don't mind being cheated on for a hundred times. And with that I felt my heart skip a beat.
January 2011.
12:04 PM.
Taeyeon and I were at the school cafeteria along with our friends. I was
particularly thirsty during that day. I bought 2 bottles of freezing cold soda and gulped the sparkling liquid quickly.
“Wow. Look who’s thirsty.” Sunny exclaimed as she poked my back.
Gulp. “Yeah. I don’t know, perhaps the voice excercise we did a while ago got me thirsty.” I replied.
“But unnie, wouldn’t it be bad for your voice if you drink cold beverages?”
Seohyun, the health conscious among the group said. She was right, but stubborn as I am I ignored her and continued to drink.
“I don’t care Seo. I’m just thirsty. But thanks for your concern anyway.”, I smiled
at her. I looked at Taeyeon who was wearing an unreadable expression on her face. She just looked at me then stood up. She grabbed the two cold sodas and threw them in the garbage can.
“Kim Taeyeon! What do you think you’re doing?! Those are my drinks.” I hissed
at her. She just stared at me with a blank expression. The atmosphere was tense. My friends kept silent. She leaned towards my ear and started to whisper
“I love the way you sing. The huskiness of your voice makes me want to listen to
you more. When you talk with your loud mouth you never fail to catch my
attention. And if it makes sense to you, I don’t want you to go ruin your precious voice just because you’re thirsty. Got it?” And with that she sat down and acted
like nothing happened.
"Got it." I said to her. I smiled at her and apologized to everyone. I understand why she did it. It was her way of disciplining me. But still she was sweet. Everything she does to me is unique whether it be scolding me, disciplining me or protecting me. I can't help but feel special. My heart skipped a beat again.
Distraction
April 2013.
4:25 PM.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I left the kitchen and grabbed my phone. There are two messages on it. One from Hyoyeon and another from Taeyeon.
“Tiff, my offer’s still up. Please go to the club later. I’ll be waiting for you :)” –
4:13 PM
I remembered Hyo’s invitation. It’s been months since I went to the club owned by her family. Hyoyeon’s a part of the Dance Department and she owns the dance floor, literally and figuratively. She’s always fun to be with. I’ve been ditching her club invitations lately, but maybe this time I’ll be going. I checked my phone for
“Miyoung, can we talk? You’ve been acting weird lately. I’m worried.” – 4:22 PM
Miyoung. Taeyeon called me Miyoung. She only does this when she’s serious. She wants to talk to me. She thinks I’ve been acting weird lately.
“I’m sorry Tae. I’m just so in love with you that I can’t bear it anymore. It hurts. I can’t let you see me like this.”, I said to myself as I went to my closet and picked out a black mini dress that showed my shoulders and thighs. I’m going to let myself loose tonight. I’m tired of hurting.
6:50 PM.
I stepped out of the cab and walked towards the club. “CLUB TWINKLE”, the
huge signboard sparkled with bright pink lights. Most of the clubbers here are from the Arts and Music Academy. The club has been a haven for those who wanted to relieve their stress or just wanted to have a good time. The 9 of us used to go here
I entered the club as the bouncer led me to the VIP area, a private booth especially
reserved for Hyo’s friends.
“Tiff! You’re here.”
“Oh my. I miss you. I love your red hair girl. Sexy outfit”
“Finally, it’s been 20 years! I thought you were swallowed alive by your apartment. Hahaha.”
I smiled at everyone and gave them all a peck in the cheeks. It was Hyoyeon,
Sunny and Yuri. They were the “party people” of the group.
“Where’s Jessi? And the others?” I asked them.
“Sica’s with her parents tonight. I don’t know with the others. Hyo invited them. I don’t know if they’re coming.” Yuri said. She is also from the Dance Department
“C’mon Tiff. It’s been awhile. I know it’s tight with your school schedule but once
in awhile you gotta have fun. Enjoy life.” Hyoyeon confidently stated. I smiled at
her and nodded. “Besides, I wanted to tell you all that I got to be the lead dancer in our class presentation for next term’s showcase. I want to celebrate it with you guys.” She beamed.
“Wow! I knew you’d make it big time Hyo!” I clapped and cheered. Every one of
us were cheering at her too, patting her back and head.
“So, for tonight. Let’s all have fun.” Hyo beckoned a waitress who brought along 2
champagnes and popped them open. Hyo took out wine bottles and poured out the sparkling white drink. We were all busy catching up with each other while taking a sip from our glasses. I took in more than anyone else. I loved the way alcohol takes my mind off things temporarily.
“Wow Tiff, you’ve been drinking your 10th glass now in just a matter of 15
minutes.” Sunny said as she looked at me with concern.
“Oh really? Did not notice. I love its taste. Mnnnn.” I said while putting down the
glass. I stood up and excused myself to the restroom. I tried to walk straight. The alcohol has been taking effect now. As soon as I was done fixing myself, I headed straight to the dance floor.
The music was blaring. Bodies were dancing, grinding, bumping. Alcohol and music. Two of the things that could keep my mind off Taeyeon. Suddenly
memories of her and Wooyoung flashed into my mind. I kept on seeing the ring on
her finger. I remembered her song for him. I felt the pain once again. I can’t take it.
I grabbed a random guy and danced with him. I did not bother looking at his face while I shake my hips seductively. He placed his hands on my waist as he moved it lower. I could not care less. I turned around. My back was now on his chest and his hand on my belly. I danced along with the music as I closed the gap between our bodies.
For a moment there, I felt relieved to have another warm body next to me. My heart has been left out cold. I just needed a distraction. I grabbed his hand and led him towards a dim corner. I pushed him hard on the wall while I placed my hand on his neck. He understood as he bent his head lower. In just a few seconds, his lips were now crashing into mine. I nibbled on his lower lip. I parted my mouth and let my tongue out, asking for him to let it in his mouth. He obliged and with that our mouths explored each other’s as our tongues fought for dominance.
I pulled back from the kiss and pushed the guy away.
That soft angel-like voice was calling my name.
I looked around and saw her.
Fight For Love
April 2013.
8:47 PM.
“Miyoung.”
I pulled back from the kiss and pushed the guy away.
That soft angel-like voice was calling my name.
I looked around and saw her. “Taeyeon.”
“Who is he?” Taeyeon was wearing a blank expression on her face. I know she
“Ehem. I’m Choi Siwon.” The guy extended his hand towards Taeyeon.
“I’m not talking to you.” She snapped. She glared at Siwon. Shit. I’m in trouble. Taeyeon’s pissed.
“Uhm. He’s a friend of mine. Right? Siwon?” I took his hand and whispered something into his ear. “Wait for me outside. Please? I’ll just grab my purse."
“Okay sure.” He looked confused but obliged nonetheless. I looked at him as he
head out towards the exit.
There was only awkwardness between Taeyeon and me. We stared at each other
for a long time before I bent down my head. “Excuse me Tae. I’ll just grab my purse.” I went to the booth and hurriedly excused myself to my friends who were
all looking confused with my early departure.
“Where are you going? Is he the reason why you’re being like this? Is the one you dedicated your song to? Is he the reason why you’re keeping things from me?”
Taeyeon bombarded me with her questions. I refused to look at her. I made my way out but she grabbed my wrist tightly.
“Tae, you’re hurting me. You don’t know anything.” I said softly. Tears were now
coming down my eyes.
“...If it makes you happy. If he makes you happy. Then go.” Her tone was blank.
There was no emotion in her words. She let go of me.
I rushed towards the exit while trying to wipe out the tears. “I’m sorry Tae.” I
whispered.
I looked around the sidewalk and saw him standing near a car.
“Hi. I don’t know what you’re up to but it seems like you need a friend tonight.” He told me. He looked harmless. I was hesitant at first but I know he’s right. I need
someone right now. I just need a friend right now.
“Friends?” I smiled. “Look I’m sorry about what I did back there. I was just
impulsive. I just needed a distraction. I’ll just get this straight, I don’t like you.” I frankly stated.
“I know. I just want to help. It’s such a shame though. You’re a good kisser.” He smirked. I slapped his arm. He chuckled then apologized. “I’m sorry. But it’s true.
Well, I promise I won’t bite and do something stupid or impulsive. But I’d like to take you somewhere else, to a coffee shop or something. Looks like you need to
sober up.”
I was debating whether to go with this stranger. “Hmn. Promise you won’t bite?” I
asked him seriously.
“Hahaha. I won’t. Now hop in.” He laughed as he opened his car door for me. The
drive was silent and short. We stopped at Starbucks. He held out the car door for me as he led us into a table and ordered as hot coffee and some cookies.
“I guess we haven’t formally introduced each other. I’m Choi Siwon. I’m the Vice
President of Choi Corperation. You know, the company that exports car parts. Our
main branch is in Japan. I’m just here in Korea for a business trip.”
“Im Tiffany Hwang, I’m a student at Arts and Music Academy. I’ll be graduating next term. My friend owns the club, and I’m broken hearted and drunk and I just made out with you just for the fun of it.” I said.
“Hahaha. I love your bluntness. Don’t worry. I’m engaged to be married next month. Let’s just forget about the making out part. I don’t want my girlfriend to know that I’m cheating on her. I love her you know. And you there just grabbed me out of nowhere.” He smiled as he took a sip from his coffee. “You’re really
interesting though Tiffany. Tell me who is this bastard who broke your heart. What
did he do to you?”
“I’m sorry about you’re girl. I did not mean it. Yeah, we should just forget about it.
You seem like a cool friend though. You remind me of my brother, sans the
making out part coz that would be awkward.” I chuckled. “Hmn..” I continued.
“The one who broke my heart? It’s a “she” not a “he”.” I said carefully.
“Oh. I did not know you swing that way. I’m not judging you, I have friends who
are like that too. Let me guess, she’s the one in the club who snapped at me
earlier?” He said.
I nodded. “I’m not really gay. I mean, I don’t feel attracted with other girls. It was just her. She’s my best friend and I just fell in love with her. I’ve had boyfriends
and flings in the past, but my love for her is just...” I stopped. I could not find the right words to describe my love for Taeyeon.
