Chapter 5 Living with the Difference: The Marital Relationships of Khmer-Kinh Couples
5.2 Adjustment Problems in Non-homogamous Marriages
The previous section suggests that education, homogomy, residential location and modernization are key factors influencing couples’ ability to adjust to and harmonize their culturally distinct ritual traditions and enjoy conflict free and mutually satisfying wedding celebrations. However, the only significant case of tension I came across is worth examining in detail for it too sheds light on the significance of education and homogomy in facilitating adjustment to cultural differences in interethnic marriages.
Tensions may arise in cases where couples are dissimilar in educational level, meaning that they do not share tastes, understandings, and views on life; or where a spouse lacks any personal experience or understanding of his or her spouse’s culture. Such a hypothesis flows from studies which show that class difference (educational and social status) creates problems in intercultural marriages, since social background determines not only manners or behavior but also attitude of a spouse toward many things (Romano, 2008, p. 96). In studying the marital relationship of Maori and Pakeha in New Zealand, Harré (1966) highlighted that the cause of many conflicts arising in mixed marriage was often associated with the degree to which the couple had shared group memberships and interests before
marriage as well as the idea each spouse had of the other and his or her group (p. 91). The following case enables me to explore these assumptions.
Thane’s hometown is in Chau Lang, a Khmer-dominated rural area, and he migrated to Long Xuyen city, a Kinh-dominated area. He worked as a government official and was the only highly educated member in his family so his voice was highly appreciated in his family. His Kinh wife, Yen, was a low-educated local resident and a garment worker in the city to which Thane had migrated. After some months of dating, Thane introduced Yen to his family and his mother asked for Yen’s horoscope to see if her horoscope was in concord with Thane’s, checking that the combination of the elements and the signs would lead to harmonious and fertile marriage. Satisfied that their horoscopes matched well, Thane’s parents supported formalization of his intimate relationship with Yen.
Normally, decisions about wedding ceremonies are considered the prerogative of parents and senior family members but Thane said that he was economically independent and mature enough to make his own decisions on his wedding rites. Having for many years interacted with the Kinh community during his higher education, Thane was aware of the divergent customs of the two ethnic groups. Hence he thought carefully about how his wedding rites should be celebrated. He consulted with a Ta Acha and also asked for Yen’s opinion about the wedding rites before discussing the plans with his parents. Their wedding ceremony is an example of a wedding that draws on both Khmer and Kinh traditional customs. In the following pages, I describe the wedding in detail to show how each of them adapted to the culturally distinct ritual traditions in this wedding.
As scheduled with Yen’s mother [normally, the father is the head of the household but Yen’s father had passed away so Yen’s mother was the representative of the family], in the ‘preliminary discussion’ rite [le cham ngo],35 Thane and his parents were accompanied by
35The Kinh traditional marriage process goes through three stages: the preliminary discussions (lecham ngo), the betrothal (lehoi) and the wedding itself (le cuoi). Each stage is preceded by offerings of betel leaves and areca nuts. During the preliminary discussions, all details are probed, bargained about, and agreed upon. The girl’s horoscope has to concord with the boy’s to ensure that the combination of the elements and the signs would lead to harmonious and fertile marriage. The two families discuss the formalities for the betrothal ceremony, in particular, the amount of betel and areca and tea that the suitor’s family is to bring on the day of the ceremony. The betrothal ceremony is organised to take place on an auspicious day, with the two sets of
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ten of his Khmer and Kinh colleagues as the representatives of the groom’s side coming to Yen’s house in Long Xuyen city. Due to the language barrier, Thane had his colleagues accompany him to help with translation during the preliminary discussion rite, since his parents were very limited in Vietnamese and Yen’s family did not speak Khmer. On the bride’s side, Yen’s grandfather, mother, uncle and aunt and Yen acted as the representatives.
As had been discussed beforehand with Thane and Yen, the two families expressed their desire to maintain and practice their own traditional customs in the wedding ceremony and they decided to hold separate traditional ceremonies for each spouse’s side of the family. In addition, Yen’s mother also gave Yen’s date of birth to Thane’s parents to ask for the help of the Ta Acha to dictate the date and the exact timing of the wedding rite, which could bring luck and happiness to the couples. One indispensable topic discussed in the ‘preliminary discussion’ rite was the bride price (thach cuoi).36 Yen told me that her mother did not request an exact amount of bride price but left it to the capacity of the groom’s family. In addition, because neither family was wealthy they decided to exempt the betrothal costs (le hoi) to lessen the expense. After getting the date and the exact timing of the wedding rite from the Ta Acha, Thane and his parents came to Yen’s house again to present the amount of money to the bride’s family to buy necessary things for the wedding (tien dong) and inform them of the date and the exact timing of wedding rites.
As planned, the wedding banquet was held on the bride's side one day with the groom present to welcome the invited guests. The wedding banquet was held in the bride’s house with the food prepared by professional banquet caterers. The couple welcomed the invited guests at the table near the entryway and all arriving guests wished happiness to the couple and placed their envelope of cash into the wedding barrel. The guests were mainly Yen’s neighbors, her coworkers and her mother’s coworkers. No traditional ritual was practiced
parents meeting to discuss the wedding day, as well as the presents that the boy’s family must offer: money, jewellery, furniture, silk bolts, and so forth (McLeod & Nguyen, 2001, pp. 137-138).
36 Practised in both Khmer and Kinh customs, bride price (tuc thach cuoi) involves the bride’s side seeking a
certain quantity of money, gold jewellery and other items from the family of the groom. As the bride price can be seen as a reflection of the moral values of the bride, the bride’s parents may demand an excessive bride price. Bride price custom is applied flexibly as no exact amount is regulated; it varies dramatically across disparate socioeconomic families.
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on this day; the wedding banquet played a role as the public face of the couple and their families. Without a banquet, there may have been gossip from neighbors and friends about the reasons for their failure to organize a wedding banquet—which is particularly significant to women.
On the following day, the important Kinh traditional rite ‘the bringing of the bride’ (le ruoc dau)37 was conducted. The groom’s side came to the bride’s house in two cars around
8:30am. They queued in orderly fashion headed by the side of the groom’s chief representative (Khmer: Maha), followed by Thane’s parents and relatives, Thane, and four young men and women carrying trays of betel nuts and gift trays. They waited until 9:00am, the time dictated by the Ta Acha, then the side of the groom’s chief representative and the man carrying a ceremonial tray of wine went into the bride’s house to ask for the permission of the bride’s parents for the groom’s representatives to come into the house (nhap gia). With the bride’s side’s permission, the groom’s side, led by the groom’s parents and the representatives of the groom’s side, entered and commenced the rituals. After presenting all the of gift trays, including a pair of candles, wine, tea, and fruit for the bride’s side, the groom’s side’s representatives were invited to sit at one side of the table to have tea (the representatives of the bride side sat on the opposite side). Then Thane’s parents presented the bride price for Yen, including a pair of rings, a pair of earrings and a necklace, all made of gold. Yen and Thane exchanged rings for each other’s ring finger and the earrings were placed in Yen’s ears by Thane. In this rite, Yen wore a Kinh traditional dress (ao dai) while Thane wore a Western suit. Rites of respect to the bride’s family were then coordinated by the head representative of the bride’s side. Firstly the couple was asked to pray at the bride’s ancestral altar and then the couple bowed and invited her parents and
37‘The bringing of the bride’ (le ruoc dau): On the wedding day, at the fixed hour, the groom—accompanied by his father, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends—form a procession heading toward the bride’s house in a ceremony known as the ‘bringing of the bride’ to her husband’s house. Upon their arrival, all are invited to sit and are served tea; meanwhile, the bride’s father (or the eldest representative) invokes the souls of the departed at the ancestral altar to inform them of the marriage. The groom, followed by the bride, lights incense at the altar and bows down three times to his wife’s ancestors to announce his taking the bride home. Both groom and bride perform obeisance to the bride’s parents, who acknowledge them in turn by presenting the couple with their gift (in cash or kind) and their wishes for long life and numerous progeny. The same ceremony is performed upon the entry of the bride into her husband’s home, which then becomes hers as well (McLeod & Nguyen, 2001).
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grandfather and her aunts to a cup of wine to thank them for raising her and the couple received best wishes from their relatives.
Then the family representative of the groom side’s (Maha) asked for the permission of the representatives of the bride’s side to bring Yen to the groom’s family house. Yen was ‘farewelled’ (dua dau) by her parents, her aunts and uncles and the family representative of the bride’s side. It took them more than an hour to reach Thane’s rural home by car. The couple was asked to change their suits to Khmer traditional dress to perform the ceremony. They were then invited to sit at a designated place in the middle of the living room. Offerings were made to the groom’s ancestors and the Maha conducted the ritual of cutting areca flowers (cat hoa cau). Then, before the wedding banquet was celebrated, the Maha
danced to a traditional Khmer tune symbolizing that the two families officially allowed Yen and Thane to become a couple. During the wedding banquet, Yen wore a Western-style wedding dress to welcome the invited guests, but when the wedding banquet was over, she changed her costume back to Khmer traditional dress for the ceremony. Yen and Thane went through many Khmer wedding rites, including ritual haircuts to symbolize their new married status and binding the couple's hands with a red thread to ensure the long-term happiness of the couple. Only those guests who were already married were allowed to bind the thread for the new couple and they also gave them valuable gifts with best wishes. Then, the couple was allowed to go into the bridal chamber (buong tan hon); the bride went ahead and the groom followed, holding the flap of his wife’s dress. In addition, the monks were also invited to chant and bless the new couple.
The complexity of these wedding rites illustrates the length that Thane was prepared to go to in order to respect traditions and appease both sides of the family. As the wedding’s principal organiser, he was concerned to ensure that the culturally distinct ritual traditions of both Kinh and Khmer sides of the family were faithfully incorporated into the wedding rite so as to accommodate the customs of both Khmer and Kinh relatives and keep them onside. However, Yen’s attitude was markedly different. Yen complained to me that even though she had learned of the different customs in advance, she was still shocked and tired at the lengthy and complex Khmer wedding traditional customs. She told me that while submitting to all of those rituals that were so strange to her, she had not understood what
people were doing or saying. She even complained that the chanting was so long that she could not stand up after it was over as her feet had stiffened and fallen asleep.
Figure 5.1Binding the hands of the couple with a red thread in the Khmer custom
Figure 5.2 Inviting the bride’s parents to a cup of wine in ‘the bringing of the bride’
In the aforementioned case, the tensions over wedding rituals arose partly as a consequence of the difference in educational level and cultural awareness between the individuals. In the case of Yen and Thane, we might attribute the tension—manifested in Yen’s frustration at her wedding’s ritual complexity and strangeness—in part to Yen’s relatively low level of education and lack of middle-class cosmopolitan willingness to sample exotic ‘ethnic minority’ customs as a distinction-making component of her wedding. In addition, owing to her life-long residence in a Kinh-dominated area, Yen was totally unequipped for her encounter with Khmer cultural traditions, which helps explain her dissatisfaction and feelings of discomfort toward her spouse’s alien wedding rituals. By contrast, her Khmer husband, a highly educated person who was successful in his occupation in a Kinh- dominated area moved more easily between the two cultural worlds. Moreover, Thane’s wedding provided an opportunity for him to display his high status and ethnic pride by scrupulously following traditional Kinh wedding rites, followed immediately by an elaborately staged ‘traditional Khmer’ wedding.