Assertiveness may be one of the most talked about topics in lead- ership style. Managers on the way up want to make certain that they are “assertive enough,” while those at the top or near the top are sometimes advised to be “less assertive.” Assertiveness by defi- nition is the net outcome of acting like a leader — that is, giving people a reason to believe in your abilities to decide, to act, and to lead others. Assertive leaders are confident as well as decisive; they radiate power and seem in total control. That’s the good side. Sometimes too much assertiveness, like too much octane, leads to the “my way or the highway” attitude that instead of bringing peo- ple together drives them away.
There is another side of assertiveness, however, that is less talked about. It is for lack of a better term, quiet confidence. It is an attitude that does not proclaim, “Hey, look at me,” but rather says, “Hey, look at us.” Let’s call it reflective assertiveness, or a form of quiet power. It is confidence that emerges from experience, of hav- ing endured trials as well as triumphs. It may be a form of re- silience, too. Getting knocked down a few times takes the edge off the ego, but getting back up again enhances the ego. Why? Because you know you have what it takes to persevere, to get back into the game and ultimately succeed. Reflective assertive leaders know they can do it because they have done it. Such assertiveness is wise to cultivate and here are some things to consider.
LI S T E N FI R S T
A key to effective leadership is listening. Why? Because it signals to others that you value their ideas and their input. Listening in itself is a gift to others. It says to the speaker or the group, “You do matter!” When it comes to assertiveness, you need to know the landscape and the variables. That comes from studying the issues, but most often it comes from listening to others, ones closest to the situation. How you listen matters, too. You focus your attention on others and you ask questions of them to get them to share their input.
KE E P IT LO W
Reflection is the operative word in this form of assertiveness. Ab- sorb what you hear and learn, but also maintain your bearings. Often the strongest person in the room is the one who does not speak. This is true in certain Native American cultures as well as in Scandinavian cultures. People know where the power lies; the one holding authority does not need to advertise it. If you keep that model of quiet power in mind, it will enable you to remain calm when tempers fly and people hurl invectives at you. Your ability to take it calmly often is a sign of strength. When you speak, you do not speak in kind. You keep your emotions in check and your voice calm. Easy to say, but very hard to practice.
AC T DE C I S I V E LY
The payoff to reflective assertiveness is decisiveness. Those lacking in assertiveness are so labeled because they fail to act in a timely matter. They suffer from “analysis paralysis” and appear to dither and dally. By acting decisively, you demonstrate strength. For lead- ers on the quiet side, this is very powerful. It may catch people by surprise. Keep in mind that all situations may not call for swift ac- tion. It is often appropriate to ask for time before you make a de- cision, but if you call for “time out,” make certain you keep everyone informed of the decision-making process. Failure to “do” makes people think you are stalling when what you are really
doing is weighing the options. Reflective assertive leaders deliber- ate, but they keep people in the loop as they gather information, consider variables, and respect timelines.
While reflective assertiveness is a virtue, there are times that call for overt assertiveness. For example, when the house is burn- ing, you don’t invite opinions on what size hose to use. You grab the biggest hose closest to the faucet and turn on the water fast. In a management setting, assertiveness is vital to crisis management. You want the person in charge to know what the situation is and be in control at all times. Not control of the problem per se, but in control of his emotions as well as in control of people and re- sources. Returning to the fire analogy, on-scene fire commanders have this kind of assertiveness in spades. They know the dangers of the fire, and they know the best ways to put them out with the men and material available. They are also watchful for flare-ups and blow-backs that can unexpectedly occur and cause damage and inflict injury. Experience is their guide, along with their innate ability to lead others.
Even such commanders as these are quietly confident. They know how to dial up or down their assertiveness. When they issue commands, they do so with authority and conviction. Yet they maintain equilibrium and stay cool while the fire rages and others may be feeling less confident. Reflective assertiveness is an attrib- ute that leaders at every level can cultivate. It may be a form of hu- mility as well as a sign of strength. It brings people together for the right reason and in the process enables the leader to do his job. Such an attribute is especially valuable to managers who lead from the middle because they need to exert their willingness to lead and their ability to do so.4