As I've said elsewhere in this book, you have the responsibility to control your behavior and how you act in the real world. Perhaps nowhere is this as important as how you deal with others, and being "assertive" is a crucially important skill. But this is actually very
BE ASSERTIVE-NOT PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE 69 hard for many people, not just engineers. So what are we talking about here? First, it is very hard for a young person (or anyone, for that matter) to "speak their mind" in the workplace. Despite all your learning and skills, you have entered a work world where you are a "rookie"-an inexperienced person who may not often be called upon to give advice or tell people what you think about things. This is because you haven't yet developed a "track record" of specific ac complishment, and those who are older and more experienced even your manager---can't or won't respect your abilities, or are re flecting a natural "generation gap," however unfair that may be. Coupled with this is the fact that many engineering students have been loath to speak up in school. Very few courses or professors will try to draw out the quiet students, who feel they can "get by" and never open their mouths, as long as they get the work done and pass the course.
I'm concerned that I am too elf-involved in my work-take thing too per onally. AI 0, if very difficult to deal with management that does n't eem to Ii ten.
-Mechanical engineer at ASME eminar
So here you are at work and perhaps frustrated at not being able to get your ideas across, or just uncomfortable that no one is asking what you "think" about something. This is not good. You need to be able to feel comfortable asserting yourself, and by this I do not mean getting people angry with you for speaking out of tum. If you think you are the only one who needs to be more as sertive, you are wrong. There are many titles at your local bookstore on "assertiveness," and it is a typical course in many "continuing education" programs. In essence, to be assertive means to say some thing in a direct, positive, and nonthreatening way. Being assertive is somewhere between being "passive," the unconscious mode of choice for many young engineers, and being "aggressive," which is an unattractive and usually ineffective way of forcing your thoughts on others, for example, "getting in their face."
Let's illustrate with a mundane but common situation-decid ing where to go for lunch with someone. The person you're going to have lunch with asks you, "Where do you want to go for lunch?" If you're passive, you reply with something like: "Oh, anywhere you want to go is fine with me." Or, "I don't know, you pick someplace."
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If you're aggressive, you might reply: "I only want Chinese food. If you don't want that, I'm not going." Or "I'm picking a restaurant this time. The last time, the place you took me to was ter rible."
If you're an assertive person, you might respond in these ways: "Since the last time we went for Mexican food, how about we try that new Chinese place over on Main?" Or, "Well, I'm not sure, but I really feel like Chinese food today, so pick a place." Or, "Let's go someplace close by since I only have an hour for lunch today."
I hope this illustrates the differences between passiveness, as sertiveness and aggressiveness, so that we don't have to go to a dic tionary for further help. Now let's talk about some work situations and how you can be more assertive in your behavior. Such situations occur all the time-in conversations with your manager about your work, in dealings with clients or customers, and in participating at meetings. The point is that for you to be more effective in these situ ations. You need to learn to be assertive, so force yourself to get more involved if you tend to be passive, and tone down your ap proach if you are on the aggressive side. Given that recommended approach, here's how to be more assertive in certain situations.
MEETING SOMEONE
An important time to be assertive is when we meet someone and, as common in Western culture, shake hands. Whether this is between old friends, meeting someone new for the first time, or saying hello at a job interview, the handshake is a way of asserting yourself posi tively with the other person. Done well, it tells the other person that you're glad to meet them, and look forward to talking with them; done poorly, it may signal that you are a weak person or, the other ex treme, too aggressive for their taste. How can all these feelings be transmitted in a simple handshake? Well, first let's describe the prop er way to shake hands. When you approach someone and extend your hand, it is important to make eye contact with the other person. Look ing away, especially looking down, could signal that you're afraid of them or their authority. And don't forget to smile, to tell them that you're happy to see them (even if sometimes you're not).
Another aspect of the handshake is how firmly you should grasp their hand. A rule of thumb (pun intended!) is to shake some-
RESPONDING TO "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS?" 71
Figure 8.1 Make eye contact when shaking the other person's hand. It also helps to smile! Shake hands as firmly as the other person grasps yours, and hold the handshake for as long as the other person does.
one's hand as firmly as they shake yours. Important: Don't just hold your hand out limply for the other person to shake (a sign of pas siveness), and, on the other extreme, don't grab their hand and squeeze so hard that you hurt them while also perhaps pumping their hand up and down (an aggressive approach). How long you should shake hands? Probably as long as the other person wants to, and then quickly release your grasp. If you are concerned that you're not understanding all of these tips, here's an easy suggestion: practice with someone! Get off to the right start with someone with this important ritual in interpersonal relations.
RESPONDING TO "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS?"
Perhaps no question unnerved me more as a young engineer than being asked what I thought. I didn't know what to think! In engi neering school, no one ever asked me what I thought, certainly not most professors. I was in the business of trying to learn complex technologies, getting the right answers from formulas, and, mainly, passing courses. There didn't seem to be much to "think" about.
Cut to our real world, and real projects on your plate. You now are expected to give your thoughts on many things. And it is not ac ceptable to simply shrug your shoulders or give a blank look and say "I don't know."
Important digression: "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable response that you will use many times in your career. Say it if you really don't know something, and, if appropriate, add that you'll
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find out and get back to that person. Don't think that you have to know everything; no one knows everything, or anywhere close to it, in our complex world. In fact, there are only two categories of things that you should know:
(1)
What you know in your head, and(2)
Where to find out the rest.Back to "What do you think?" Here's a way to help your think ing process. Before anyone asks you, get in the habit of mentally an swering the question of what you think so that you have a ready, thought-out answer. For example, what's your answer to the follow ing question from your manager: "What do you think we ought to do next on your project?" Think about this a moment, and say aloud your response. (OK, you may say this silently if you're among peo ple while reading this!) Get in the practice of thinking about things in a structured way. By the way, here's an improper but tempting an swer to your manager's question about what you think: "Gee, I don't know what to think. You're the manager . . . you're paid lots more than I am . . . so you tell me!"
Listen up: if you don't assert yourself and, for this example, don't say what you think the next steps might be, then you're as much telling your manager that you are clueless and unable to con tribute your ideas to helping your employer.
orne Key to Under tanding Yourself and Other
• Be a ertive. not pa sive or aggres ive.
• Under your elf better and how to relate to other
o Take the Myers-Brigg Type Indicator (MBTI) o What do you like to do?
o What don't you like to do? o What about others? (A k them!)
• Updated Golden Rule: "00 unto others a they would have done unto them."
• Detennine your mix among career objective: money. job ecurity. challenging job. recognition.
How else can you practice being more assertive? Here's anoth er easy way: read editorials and "Op-Ed" essays in newspapers and magazines. Editorials are the opinion of the publication on all types of subjects. Many newspapers have short "Op-Ed" articles, which stand for "opposite the editorials." Perhaps you all know what these are, but I'll bet that many of you have never read them or don't read them regularly.